Jasper Lucas (sinsoftheson) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2018-04-26 10:41:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | #october 2017, jasper, jasper x jules, jules |
Who: Jasper and Jules (Sadie cameo)
When: Evening, October 20th, Friday
Where: The girls locker room inside the high school
Warning: NSFW, then all the Feelings
Status: Complete
While it sucked that the football team lost tonight, Jules was still happy that she had been able to attend and cheer, unlike the football players who had suffered concussions in the accident the week before. Her wrist was still wrapped up, but it was feeling better, and her persistent headaches had tapered off quite a bit by the end of the week. The loss was softened even more so by the fact that Jasper had shown up. Jules knew it had been to watch her, rather than watch the football game, and that had put her in a pretty good mood for most of the evening, despite the final score.
After the game was over, Jules knew everyone was planning on getting changed and heading over to Moxie’s. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was going to do, because she didn’t think Jasper would enjoy being shoved in a booth with a bunch of people who couldn’t stand him, and who he couldn’t stand. But there were other things they could do, and so when a couple of her friends headed onto the field to talk to her, Jules was a bit vague were asking her what her plans were. She could tell they were a little annoyed, but luckily they didn’t push her, or she might have snapped. Chatting with her friends put her well behind, as the other cheerleaders had long since headed back up into the high school to change and leave. The stands had emptied and people were leaving the stadium to head for the parking lot. Jules tried to find Jasper, but it was too crowded. Her phone was in her bag in her locker, so she supposed she would just text him when she got back into the locker room.
Jules parted ways with her friends at the doors to the high school, and she hurried inside, carrying her pom poms into the gym. The football players were leaving in small clusters, and she waved to a few of them before coming face to face with Mrs. Gaines, who was coming out of the girls’ locker room.
“Jules,” she said, surprised. “I thought you had come and gone already.”
“I got distracted,” Jules explained with a sheepish smile. “Time sort of got away from me.” Ms. Gaines nodded and glanced at her watch - who still wore a watch anymore? - before she lifted a blonde brow.
“Do you want me to stay and wait?”
Jules shook her head quickly, her smile coming easier. “No, it’s okay. I’m just going to change real quick and grab my things and go. I’ll be fine.” She so didn’t need a teacher to wait for her like she was a child. Sure, a bunch of weird shit happened in this town all the time, but Jules still felt relatively safe at school, and it wouldn’t take her more than a few minutes to change and text Jasper. As cool as Ms. Gaines was, Jules didn’t really want to be seen with a teacher walking her out to her car or anything. Thankfully Ms. Gaines seemed to be okay with it, and she nodded before smiling and saying goodnight. Jules slipped into the locker room, which was now quiet and empty, and tossed her pom poms on the wooden bench to start turning the combination lock to open her locker.
Jasper hadn’t given a shit about the football game, like he didn’t give a shit about any high school sports game, but he’d gone to watch it anyway for Jules. He knew she liked for him to be there when they had home games, and considering how disastrous the previous week’s game had been, he wanted to go support her. And make sure she didn’t get hurt any further. Not that he could’ve prevented anything from happening if she had a cheering accident, but he could still be there. He’d played on his phone through most of the game, finding an out of the way spot to watch from, and grinned through every routine Jules did. She looked damn cute in that little skirt, as always. She made the boring parts worth it.
Jasper had scooted out of the stadium as soon as the game was over and walked back up to the school building, intent on waiting for her. He watched the girls come and go from the locker room, a tiny bit of worry flickering as he didn’t see Jules right away. Jasper figured she was probably looking for him, and she would turn up eventually. She did, had her little chat with Ms. Gaines, then disappeared into the locker room. Jasper gave it a moment or two, but no other girls came out, so he felt safe leaving his shadowy corner and heading toward the door.
He wanted to surprise her with a bit of privacy in a risky place, but he didn’t want to scare her -- or any of the other cheerleaders -- so Jasper waited for a beat as he slipped inside and listened. He could only hear one person moving around, and Jules wasn’t talking to anybody, so he figured she was actually alone. “Are you decent, Miss Cooper?” he said as he started toward the row of lockers he could hear her behind. “I hope not ...”
Jules had just taken off her uniform top and sports bra when Jasper spoke, his voice echoing in the room. She was startled and nearly grabbed her t-shirt to cover herself with before she recognized the voice. There was the initial exhale of relief that it was just Jasper before she realized he was in the girls' locker room. It was late sure, but someone else could still walk in. Not that she was going to tell him to leave. "It's just me in a short skirt," Jules teased before pulling her bra out of her gym bag. She didn't rush to put it on, assuming Jasper would probably like the view before she got her clothes on. When he came into view, Jules arched a delicate brow, not at all feeling modest. "Where did you go? I was looking for you after the game."
Jasper rounded the corner and took in the view for a moment, leaning his shoulder against the row of metal lockers. God, she looked good. It was probably super cliche of him to really like the cheer skirt with nothing else on, but Jasper couldn’t care when his girlfriend was half-naked in front of him. He moved closer, a little grin toying with his lips. “Up here,” he answered. “I wanted to wait for you, surprise you. So ... surprise.” Jasper got within reach and hooked an arm around Jules’s waist to pull her in against him. He hoped that bra in her hand wasn’t going on immediately. “Good game, babe,” he murmured, hand sliding down to pat her ass through the skirt.
She was glad that she had gotten held up down on the field then, because this was a much better surprise than him just waiting out in the gym for her when she departed with the rest of the cheerleaders. Although she would have been pleased with that too. This was just... better. Jules watched Jasper move closer, unable to stop the way her body responded, even if she appeared completely casual and even amused by it. Sometimes it felt like he was some kind of predator stalking his prey, but Jules was more than happy to get caught. She let him pull her toward him, her sneakers squeaking softly against the floor. Jules smirked softly when he patted her ass. "Please. It was a terrible game, and I didn't play in it. But if you enjoyed watching me shake my ass in my skirt, then it was worth it." Unable to resist, Jules slipped her free hand up under his shirt and slid her palm over his abdomen before sliding it around to his back. "You could get into a lot of trouble being in here."
“Mmhmm,” Jasper hummed, not giving a single shit how much trouble he could get into. All the other cheerleaders had vacated the premises, along with the only teacher he’d seen around, so he felt pretty safe right where they were. It was hard not to feel anything but good with Jules’s bare tits pressed against his chest, and her hand on his skin. “I am trouble, you should know that by now,” he murmured, one of his own hands moving to cup and squeeze at Jules’s breast. He was hard in his jeans already, his body apparently excited that they were fooling around somewhere risky again. Jasper leaned in to brush their lips together, a tiny wicked smile still tugging at his mouth as he pinched teasingly at her nipple. He hadn’t quite intended to immediately start making out with her, but Jasper certainly wasn’t going to fight it if that’s what she wanted to do too.
Rational thinking and arousal were warring in her mind at the moment, and her body was very quickly overpowering her brain. She knew there was always a chance of someone coming in, or Ms. Gaines returning, but Jasper also felt so good pressed against her, and her entire body shivered when he pinched her nipple. It had been awhile since they had fooled around anywhere but one of their beds, and she had to admit, it was exciting being somewhere they could legitimately get caught. If they did get caught, they'd probably get suspended or expelled. That should have been enough to make her want to stop, but Jasper was such a bad influence on her. So bad. A soft breath escaped her and her eyelids were already feeling heavy, Honestly, it still sort of annoyed her how quickly Jasper could turn her on. Dropping her bra to the bench beside them, Jules moved both hands to the front of Jasper's jeans where she began to unbutton and unzip quickly. "We don't have a lot of time," she murmured. "And you can't make a ton of noise."
Sweet-sharp arousal spiked in Jasper’s system when Jules more or less gave the green light. Being able to stretch out and be comfortable and take their time in a bedroom was wonderful in one sense, but a quick and dirty fuck somewhere public was delicious in its own right. They weren’t immediately visible from the door, so that was good, but they would have to keep an ear out for someone else coming in. It was exciting. While Jules worked on his fly, Jasper tugged her cheer skirt up and got a hold of her bloomers and panties to pull both of them pulled down to her knees. He was starting to breathe hard already, an animal need taking over, his dick aching to get into her. Really, it was Jules who was going to have to work to be quiet, because Jasper was more than ready to fuck the hell out of her already. “Turn around,” he said in a low growl, grabbing Jules’s hips to help her do just that. Once her back was to him, he pushed on her to get her bend over a bit, his free hand moving to rub her pussy and get her wet enough for this.
Jules's heart was a jackhammer in her chest, and she felt that old familiar combination of arousal and fear of being caught, something she hadn't really experienced since they stopped fooling around in the back seat of his car. If they got caught here, that would be so much worse than if one of the cops knocked on his window. Everyone at school would know about it by tomorrow. Honestly though, with the way Jasper was touching her, it was hard to really give a fuck about the consequences. He was like a drug coursing through her blood, addictive and impossible to give up. She was just as desperate for him as he seemed to be for her, and Jules bit hard into her lower lip to muffle the sounds forming in her throat as Jasper turned her around. Her body felt uncomfortably hot and aching and she reached out to brace herself against a locker, pushing back against his hand a bit. It didn't take long at all before she was slick against his fingers. "Fuck me, Jas," Jules breathed, wiggling her ass a little. "Come on."
How could he possibly say no to that? Feeling Jules get wet against his fingers was always a powerful turn on, and Jasper wasn’t thinking about anybody else in the world by the time she was ready for him. He’d been fondling her chest while he toyed with her, and Jasper let go to get positioned better behind Jules, giving his cock a stroke as his eyes raked over her ass with the skirt hiked up. He rubbed the head of his erection against her folds once or twice, then nudged himself to the right spot. Jasper thrust into Jules in one smooth quick motion, a shudder of pleasure running up his spine. “Fuck,” he moaned low. Jasper held still for a couple of heartbeats to push down that urge to come immediately, his hands getting a good grip on Jules’s hips. He was thankful for their height difference, it was perfect for standing sex and gave him good leverage. When he did start to thrust, there was nothing slow or gentle about it. His body wanted to rut, and Jules said they didn’t have a lot of time, so Jasper just did what came naturally.
A satisfied sort of sigh slipped past her lips when she felt Jasper push inside of her. There was honestly nothing like that first thrust, no matter what kind of mood they were in. It was probably cheesy or corny or something, but Jules always marveled at the fact that he seemed to fit her perfectly. Like his dick was made to be inside of her. Her body squeezed tightly around his cock once he was buried deep and she smiled at the sound of his voice behind her. The way he sounded during sex always made everything feel that much more intense. Jules tended to think he could probably get her off just by talking to her, and some of her orgasms in the past had been triggered by his voice in her ear, or the filthy things he'd say to her. She didn't like to admit it though, not wanting to inflate his ego that much. As soon as Jasper started fucking her, Jules braced herself hard against the lockers, gasping loudly despite her efforts to keep quiet. She bit into her lip again, her cries muffled as she began to push back to meet his thrusts. If someone walked in now, Jules wasn't entirely sure she would even want him to stop.
It was so hot listening to Jules try to be quiet. When they had the privacy, she could be loud as hell, and Jasper knew just what kind of effort it took to hold back when you really wanted to make some noise. The way Jules thrust back at him made her ass bounce deliciously against his body, and he grabbed all that beautiful flesh in both hands to squeeze as he fucked her hard. She felt wet and hot and perfect around him, and Jasper was pretty sure there was no better feeling in the world than this. He got a little closer to the edge than he wanted to, so he occupied himself with pushing Jules flatter against the lockers, one arm coming around her front to pull her upper body closer to him, his hand grabbing one breast. Jasper leaned in to put his mouth near her ear, pushing his cock in deep and hard and slower for a second. He wasn’t oblivious to how much she liked dirty talk, and Jasper loved to deliver. “You’re fuckin’ dripping,” he murmured to her. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you like getting fucked in public, little slut. Teasin’ me all night in this tiny-ass skirt.” With his free hand, Jasper tugged at Jules’s cheer skirt. “You asked for this.” He let out a quiet groan and sped up some again, holding her tight.
The angle was exactly what she needed and Jules's moans turned into soft whimpers as Jasper worked her body into a heated frenzy. God, if they got caught they would be in so much trouble, but if she got an orgasm out of this, it would have been totally worth it. She gasped when Jasper suddenly pressed her against the lockers before she groaned deep in her throat at how deep he pushed into her. His voice in her ear caused her to tremble and her body throbbed around his cock as she tilted her hips back against him in a subtle tease. Jules reached back with one hand to grip his side. "I only like getting fucked in public when you're the one fucking me," she breathed. And that much was true. No way would she have ever done this with anyone else. Jasper made her want to push certain boundaries, and she couldn't help herself. He was holding her tight, which made it difficult for her to move against him, but she was okay with that for the moment. Sometimes it made her feel sexy as hell to be submissive for once and let him fuck her brains out. "You feel so fucking good," she whispered, closing her eyes tight as she focused on how everything felt. It was like all the blood had rushed directly to her pussy and it was starting to feel so good it nearly hurt.
Jasper knew that Jules wouldn’t have been fucking anyone else in the girls’ locker room right after a game. She had a reputation to protect. He liked to think it was because he was just that good, and he made her just as crazy as she made him, and sometimes they just had to have each other, no matter what. That was what this felt like, an overwhelming physical need to fuck Jules within an inch of her life. He also liked to think that he was the only one who would ever do that for her, who she would ever want this badly all the time. In the heat of the moment, he wanted to ruin her for every other man, so she would still be daydreaming about his cock when she was eighty. “I’m the only one you like fucking you, period,” Jasper growled, squeezing her breast harder for a moment. He nipped at her bare shoulder, then leaned back again for better leverage, his hands falling to grip her hips again. Jasper pounded into her, his teeth grit in concentration. “C’mon baby,” he said in a strained groan. “Come on this dick.” In spite of the noise-risk, Jasper couldn’t help but slap Jules’s ass, it just looked so pretty. That done, he reached around her to find her clit and start rubbing.
It was true, and she sort of hated him for it. Nothing lasted forever, but she honestly had no idea how she was going to ever have sex with another guy again and not think about this. It was so fucking unfair, and yet she couldn't get enough of it. Jules bit harder into her lip as her cries began to become uncontrollable. She couldn't keep quiet, and even if she could, the sound of their bodies slapping together echoed in the room and surely someone might hear if they walked by, The way he slapped her ass had her whimpering, but pushing back against him harder. She would be sore tomorrow, but it was so worth it. Honestly she wanted this to never end. She wanted to spend all night pressed up against her locker with Jasper pounding into her. Rationally Jules knew that it wasn't physically possible, but god, she wished it were. Jules was pretty sure that she was going to come without any help between the angle of his cock inside of her and the things he was saying, but as soon as she felt his fingers find her swollen clit, Jules exploded, a wailing cry escaping her before she could even process what was happening. Her hand slapped against the locker, her orgasm unexpectedly forceful. It flooded every inch of her, causing her knees to tremble as her cries trailed off into soft whimpers again.
Jules’s climax was so immediate and strong, Jasper couldn’t hold his own back through it. Her body just got so tight, convulsing like it was trying to push him out, and everything was so hot and he was so on edge already, there was no stopping it. Grunting with abandon himself, totally lost in this intense pleasure-haze, Jasper fucked her for all he was worth, sweat trickling down his back under the shirt and jacket he hadn’t bothered to shed. A series of breathless ‘oh fuck’s turned into a guttural moan as Jasper curled over Jules again, his head dropping against the back of her shoulder as he pushed as deep as he could and came inside of her. The pleasure felt like it shorted everything else out in his brain for a minute or so, his own thighs a bit shaky and unsteady as he twitched and throbbed in Jules’s pussy. God, he didn’t want to give this up, ever. Jasper tried to be mindful and not lean too heavy on Jules, and one of his hands left her to brace himself against the locker too as the last little aftershocks jolted through him. “Fuck,” he panted. Jasper pressed a kiss against her back and pulled out of her. He turned and put his back against the lockers and leaned forward with his hands on his knees, giving a breathy little laugh as his vision sparkled. “Swear to God, you’re gonna be the death of me someday,” he murmured, not sounding at all put off by it.
The way he fucked her through her orgasm only intensified it, and Jules could do nothing more than moan low in her throat when she felt him tense behind her, his cock pressing even deeper into her. After both of their bodies stilled, Jules rested her forehead against the locker as she started to catch her breath. She didn't want him to pull away, but Jules was aware of the fact that they couldn't exactly stay like that all night. They were pretty damn lucky they hadn’t been caught, and hanging around half naked in the girls' locker room after fucking was still pretty risky. She groaned in mild disappointment though, when she felt him pull away from her and Jules wondered if she could move without her knees buckling beneath her. Opening her eyes, she looked over at him beside her and grinned lazily. "You love it," she said, still sounding a bit breathless. With her blood cooling now, her body was starting to feel the chill in the school and she finally pushed away from the locker to get rid of her cheer skirt and pull her clothes on. She made quick work of her bra and panties before slipping into her leggings. She really needed a shower now, but she wasn't going to take one here. After she pulled her shirt on over her head, Jules stepped over to Jasper, slipping her arms around his waist. She kissed his chin and then his lips, the endorphins still flowing through her, making her feel sated and warm and good.
While Jules got dressed and he caught his breath, Jasper tucked his cock away again and zipped up. It always made him feel a little chuffed to be a guy, knowing he could just wipe his junk off and be done, but he kind of liked the idea of his cum leaking out of Jules on her way home before she got into the shower. Like she was carrying part of him with her, a reminder of all the good things he did to her body. He half-grinned at her when she came in close again, slipping his arms loosely around her waist as he kissed her back. He did love it, honestly, and he knew he’d never see the girls’ locker room door again without thinking about this. Quick but perfect. Speaking of perfect, Jasper’s hands slid down to Jules’s ass to rub and squeeze it a bit through her soft leggings. “You goin’ to Moxie’s now?” he murmured. It would be even more fun to think about her cum-soaked panties while she sat and hung out with her shitty popular friends, but Jasper knew his girl was too fastidious for that.
The very last place Jules wanted to go was Moxie's. Like she could even pretend to have fun there after this. Plus, no matter how sexy it was now to know Jasper had come inside of her, she really didn't want to drive over there and sit around with her friends once it started leaking out, because then it got kind of gross. What she really wanted was to invite Jasper to sleep over, but her mom was home this weekend, which made that kind of difficult. Honestly, Jules had never had a boyfriend who made her want to blow off her social obligations to hang out with him. It probably helped that most of her past boyfriends had all been a part of her social circle, so she'd never really had to make that sacrifice. And she realized she had been doing it much longer than she realized. How many times had she ditched her friends when Jasper sent her a text for a hook up? She shook her head a little at his question and pressed another soft kiss to his lips. Jules pulled back, but only a little, opening her eyes to look up at him. "I love you," she murmured, her fingers tightening in his jacket, as though he might disappear if she let him go.
Jasper had been busy gloating internally about how Jules was ditching those assholes to keep hanging out with him, and thinking maybe he could take her home for a while where they could shower and do this again ... and then his stomach dropped through the floor. For a beat he wasn’t sure he’d heard her right, and a huff escaped him that would’ve been a laugh in another life. He smiled reflexively. “What?” he murmured as those three little words sank in. Jasper’s brows drew together and he gave Jules a look that felt kind of pained and pleading. “Jules ...” She couldn’t love him, that was crazy talk. She looked serious, of course, but ... that felt so impossible that he couldn’t even wrap his head around it. Yeah, they were having a great time, and he felt more for her than he had any other girl who’d ever been in his life, but she was Jules Cooper, and he was a worthless piece of shit who wasn’t going anywhere in life. That was Jasper’s gut reaction, anyway.
It wasn't the ideal response, but Jules wasn't entirely sure what she had been expecting. She honestly didn't even know what had possessed her to say what she'd said. It had just felt right in the moment, which... wasn't ideal either, considering they'd just had sex and they were in the girls' lockerroom. But it was out there now, and she felt like it was true, even though she sort of hated herself for putting herself in this kind of position. She especially didn't like the look on his face, or the way he said her name. But whatever, it was what it was and she wasn't going to take it back. Jasper would just have to deal with it. Jules loosened her grip on his jacket, although she didn't pull back or step away. Instead she lifted her chin rather stubbornly, feeling defensive now, which was much better than what she could be feeling. "Jules, what?" she asked, her brow lifting as if to challenge him. "Is that really so terrible?"
She wasn’t super upset, so that was something, but Jasper knew he should tack a ‘yet’ onto the end of that thought. This was probably heading straight into Upset territory, because there was no way in hell he could say that he loved Jules back. Even if Jasper knew for sure that was what he felt, there were still so many snarls and snags in his head around the whole concept. “No, I didn’t ... I mean, might be terrible for you,” he muttered, then huffed again like that was supposed to be a joke. Too late, Jasper realized how that probably sounded and he made a frustrated sound and looked away from her intent gaze for a beat. Jasper licked his lips and glanced back. “Jules, I mean ... I feel ... things, for you. A lot of things, more than any other girl, but like ... we can’t just fall in love like that, you know?”
The smart thing to do would have been to just say 'okay' and let it go, because she wasn't going to hear what she wanted to hear, and stretching out this conversation was only going to upset her, or piss her off, or both and she was afraid of where that might lead. But she hadn't really been making smart decisions since June, so why would she start now? Her brows furrowed in confusion as he spoke and Jules dropped her hands from his jacket, letting them fall to her sides. "It's not terrible for me. What I feel isn't terrible. It makes me feel good. More than good, even. But... I guess I just don't know what you mean, we can't fall in love like that. In love like what, exactly? It's not like it happened overnight, and it definitely wasn't easy. It just... is, Jasper."
Why are you doing this to me? Jasper wanted to ask. He knew how well that would go over, though. He was sure that from Jules’s perspective she was just sharing with him, but it felt so much like being cornered. He had enough problems expressing any emotion that wasn’t anger, and he just didn’t know what to do with this. Jasper felt guilty that he couldn’t just pop off the right response for her. “In love like ...” Jasper started, and made a helpless little gesture between them. He heaved a sigh and moved his hand up to run it through his hair. “Look, you’re-- you’re gonna get out of this shithole, Jules. You’re gonna graduate, go off to college in the fall, escape this fuckin’ place and be somebody. And you should, you’re too good not to. But I’m ... not. So ... in love like we’re gonna ... get married and have this happily ever after. I know it feels good now, but ...” He studied her face, a sadness in his expression.
"What? Married?" Jules's confusion only deepened as she stared at him. "I'm not planning out the next ten years of our lives, Jasper. I'm not thinking about what happens when we graduate, or go to college, or whatever. I'm talking about here and now. I love you now and that makes me happy now. I mean, not right now, obviously, but... you know what I mean." She lifted her arms in exasperation. Ugh, why did she have to open her big mouth? Jules felt her chest tighten, but she didn't know if it was from frustration or disappointment or what. It wasn't really the time or place to analyze it and she didn't want to get upset in front of Jasper. "Look, I'm not going to take it back," Jules said as she turned away to shove the rest of her cheer uniform into her gym bag. "If you don't... feel the same way, that's fine. I'm not going to force you to feel a certain way, or like, say the words back to me. I just feel the way I feel and I'm not going to apologize for it, okay?"
Jasper had the sinking, awful feeling that he’d just fucked everything up, and it felt like such a blindside, he had no idea how to fix it. He watched helplessly as she stuffed things into her bag like she was about to leave, distress growing in his chest. “I don’t want you to apologize or take it back,” he insisted, because he didn’t. It had all just taken him so by surprise that he wasn’t sure what to do with it. He hardly felt like he had time to process what she was saying, the idea of him making anybody happy was so foreign to him. Did he love her? Jasper hadn’t thought about it in those terms yet. ‘Love’ had so many shitty connotations in his head that he didn’t want associated with what he and Jules had, but he had no idea how to tell her that. “I just ... I don’t want you to get hurt, you know? I feel for you -- a lot -- it’s just--” Jasper didn’t know what it was just. He made a frustrated noise and rubbed his hands over his face, straightening up from leaning against the lockers.
Jules sighed as she zipped up her gym bag and lifted it to slip the strap over her shoulder. She turned toward Jasper, still feeling slightly exasperated and still a little confused. Nothing he was saying made any sense to her, and it felt like he was just trying to come up with something that would make her feel better. Honestly, she would have rather he just been blunt about it and left it at that. The instinct to protect herself was strong, and she wanted to insist that he couldn't hurt her, but that was a bald-faced lie and he would know it. It would be pointless to pretend that he didn't have that kind of power over her. She had just told him that she loved him, so they both knew he did. It made her feel a bit weirdly vulnerable, like she was walking on uneven ground and trying to stay upright. Jules walked over to him again, her hand still gripping the strap of her gym bag. Her voice was calm, despite the uncomfortable emotions swirling around inside of her. "You don't have to worry about me getting hurt. And you don't have to explain anything. I know how you feel about that kind of stuff. I just wanted you to know, that's all. Let's just forget it for now, okay?"
Jasper gave her another pained look, though he was glad she didn’t just storm out. He knew better than all of that -- he did have to worry about hurting her, because he cared about her. He did feel like he had to explain himself, because it was pretty obvious that she hadn’t just wanted him to know, she’d wanted to hear the same thing back. And there was no way in hell they could forget it. That was just impossible. Jasper reached out to rub her upper arms a little, wanting to touch her but not quite sure if pulling her into a hug would be welcome. “That word’s just never meant anything good to me,” he murmured, looking into her eyes and willing her to realize what a human disaster he was and know that it wasn’t her. “I just want you to know that I’m not-- I’m not here just to fuck you, okay? Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” He glanced around at the locker room around them. “I give more of a shit about you than I do about anyone, except like, maybe my sister. If that’s love, then ...” Jasper shrugged.
Jules wasn't sure she wanted to be touched, but she didn't pull away when his hands found her arms. She was trying to understand where he was coming from, because his parents seemed to be pretty fucked up, and maybe the word did mean bad things in his head. But it was just hard to reconcile that with how she felt, because how she felt about him wasn't a bad thing. Did he think if he loved her, that they would somehow magically twist and turn into his parents? "I know you're not just here to fuck me, Jasper," Jules said. She knew he cared about her. If he didn't, they would have never become an actual couple. She brought her hands up to rub over her face for a moment, muffling her soft huff that might have been a laugh if she had been feeling any semblance of amusement. "Please don't try to like, placate me with that," Jules said finally, dropping her hands from her face. "I don't want you to stand there and shrug while you try to talk yourself into saying something you don't want to say to keep me happy. I get it, I do. Your parents were shitty to each other, so you think loving someone means being shitty to them. I mean, it's obviously more complicated than that, but that's the problem in its most simplistic terms, isn't it? It's fucking painful to tell someone you love them and not hear it back, but it's a million times worse to tell someone you love them and have them say it back when they don't really mean it, or they don’t know if they mean it. I know you care about me, and that's enough, okay? I promise."
Jasper wasn’t trying to talk himself into anything, he was just trying to express how he felt to Jules, but he obviously wasn’t doing a great job. He didn’t seem to be saying anything right. Maybe there wasn’t a right thing to say. He didn’t feel ready to say he loved her, and he knew that once they did start saying that, it would be something he had to say all the time, and that idea made him uncomfortable. He hated that he’d hurt her, even unintentionally. She’d brought it up, but still, he hadn’t responded right. That was a pretty common theme in his life. Jasper saw that he wasn’t going to dig his way out of this to make Jules feel better, and continuing to try would probably just keep pissing her off, so it was time to shut up. “Okay,” he muttered, letting his hands drop again. Jasper tucked them into his jeans pockets. “I mean it, though. It’s not ... placation.” He didn’t even know if that was a real word, but whatever. Jasper glanced toward the door and made sure Jules had room to lead the way out, if they were going.
Jules nodded, not really wanting to drag this conversation out any longer. It had already blown up in her face quite spectacularly and now Jules was starting to wonder if he was going to feel weird around her. Maybe he would just start ignoring her, or blowing her off until she got fed up and broke up with him. Or maybe he would just flat out break up with her first. The thought made her stomach hurt a little as she led him out of the locker room. The gym lights were still on, but nobody seemed to be around at least. And if someone saw them walking down the hall to the exit, well they were totally dressed and not doing anything wrong, so what did she care? Wanting to try and salvage the evening, despite how she was feeling, Jules reached for Jasper's wrist to pull his hand from his pocket so she could hold it. She really just wanted to drive home and shower and cry for a little bit, but she didn't want to part ways with Jasper with things feeling so out of sorts between them. "We're okay, right?" Jules asked, glancing at him. "I didn't totally fuck things up, did I?"
Jasper barely saw the gym they walked through, lost in his own head. He did feel weird already, but that wasn’t Jules’s fault. It was him. He was all fucked up and broken, and he couldn’t even properly love the only serious high school girlfriend he’d ever had like she deserved. Other people did that shit all the time, what was wrong with him? He felt sure suddenly that she would leave him sooner rather than later now. It would eat at her, his incapacity to love, and she would realize she didn’t want to keep dealing with him, and she would break up with him. It made him feel awful to think about. Jasper was a tiny bit startled when Jules moved to take his hand, but he let her do it, kind of dumbly grateful for the physical contact. It was easier to feel like she wasn’t mad at him when they were touching, so he twined his fingers with hers. Her question made his brow furrow as he glanced back at her. The idea that she could think she’d done something wrong was weird. “No ... I did,” he murmured. Jasper thought that was pretty obvious.
Jules felt a spark of relief when he slipped his fingers between hers, because she wasn't sure what she would have done if he'd pulled away from her. She knew how guys could get with emotions, and the word love and while it hurt that he didn't love her back, she didn't want things to end. But what if he went home and started thinking about it and it just totally freaked him out? "No, you didn't," Jules said with a soft sigh. "I brought it up." She felt her throat start to close up so she paused and swallowed hard, keeping her gaze on the hallway in front of them. "I just don't want things to be weird," she managed, glancing briefly at him. "And I'm afraid they're going to be."
Jasper could hear that she was upset, and it made his chest ache. The hallway was completely empty except for them, which kind of made him feel like they were the only people in the world. He stopped walking and used the hold on Jules’s hand to pull her in against him. It was easier for Jasper to talk if they weren’t looking at each other, and he just really needed to hug her right then, now that she’d given him permission to touch her. He pressed his lips against her hair, and then his cheek. “Please don’t be upset,” he murmured, a knot of his own emotions rising up from his stomach into his throat. “We’re okay, it won’t be weird. You’re the only person I wanna see every day, I think about you all the fuckin’ time, I haven’t even looked at another girl since we really started hooking up, you make my chest feel all crazy ... I feel it, okay? I just don’t want to fuck it up somehow. And the only ‘I love you’s I ever heard growing up were after my parents had beaten the shit out of each other.” It was terrifying, having serious feelings for someone, especially someone he knew was going to leave him in the future, but Jasper couldn’t bring himself to admit he was scared.
She nearly resisted when he pulled her to him, but she curled her free arm in against her chest and tilted her head down some when he pressed his cheek to her hair. She felt like she was in something of a cocoon with his arms around her, but it wasn't a bad feeling. It did make her feel a bit more emotional than she would have liked, and Jules clenched her eyes shut to try and quell some of the burning behind them. Jules was well aware of the fact that she could be over emotional sometimes. Jasper sure as hell knew it, given how many times she'd flipped out on him since they started hooking up. She figured he put up with it because the sex was just that good - or he found it entertaining. But now it was different. She wasn't screaming at him or throwing things. That was probably much easier to deal with than this kind of stupid stuff. Boys probably handled getting things thrown at their heads much better than tears.
Jules listened to him, nodding a little here and there to show him she understood. Everything he said she felt too, and maybe it did make her feel a little bit better. Jules only opened her eyes when he mentioned his parents, because while she knew they had been pretty shitty, she hadn't known that they were that shitty. Jules stared at the fabric of his jacket for a moment before pushing up on her toes just a little to press her face against his neck where she breathed him in for a moment. Unsurprisingly, it helped relieve some of her anxiety over the whole thing. "You're not your parents," she murmured against his skin. She didn't want to make a thing out of it, because she had a feeling that would only make him uncomfortable. "And you don't have to say anything to me that you don't want to. Just... you know how I feel, and I know how you feel, and that's enough, okay? You won’t fuck it up, and I’m going to try hard not to fuck it up too."
Jasper didn’t want to talk about his parents either. He didn’t need to bring up all that old shit in himself. He didn’t have to deal with his mother much anymore, and his relationship with Gavin was improving, and Jasper was good with that. His dad seemed like a happier person since the separation, even if he never seemed to broad actual Happy territory. It didn’t matter. Jules was right, he wasn’t them ... or he didn’t have to be. He was still a product of them, he carried plenty issues because of them, but he could make his relationships into what he wanted them to be. While they lasted, anyway. He wrapped his arms tighter around Jules when she put her face in his neck, nodding a little with what she said. They could both try, that was all they could do. And he could try not to be afraid of the inevitable future. A lot could happen between now and summer. His throat feeling too thick, Jasper pulled back a little, cupping Jules’s face with both hands so he could kiss her, soft and full of emotion. He lingered in it for moment, then whispered, “Come spend the night with me?”
Jules closed her eyes and returned his kiss, her hand gripping his jacket tightly. She felt raw and open in a way she never had before and it was scary to recognize that Jasper had the power to hurt her if he really wanted to. That wasn't something Jules had ever experienced before, always reaching for the upper hand in all of her past relationships. She craved control, but it seemed impossible to achieve with Jasper. And yet she was willing to take the risk because it drove her crazy just thinking about not being with him. Jules brought her hand from his jacket to curl her fingers around one of his wrists as she opened her eyes to look at him. A few minutes ago she had planned to drive straight home and bury her head under her pillow for the rest of the night. Things still felt a bit delicate between them, but not so much that she wanted to say goodnight in the parking lot. "What about your dad?" she murmured, not wanting another awkward run in. Maybe if they stayed in his room all night and she snuck out early...
He might not have been aware of everything he was feeling in that kiss, but Jasper felt plenty of it. It was because things felt delicate between them that he didn’t want to part company. He wanted to take Jules home and hold her and kiss her some more, and fall asleep curled up with her in his bed, clinging while he still could. Maybe a joint and some cartoons would make them both feel better. Jasper shrugged one shoulder and shook his head a little. “He won’t care.” It was doubtful that they would even see Gavin if they timed it right. He would probably be home late and then out the door early again, Jasper was pretty sure he opened the bar most Saturday mornings. And if not? Jasper could just escort her out and they wouldn’t even have to talk.
Jules thought it over quickly, figuring she could text her mom that she was staying the night at Tamara's house. Tamara would cover for her, she knew. And if Jasper wasn't worried about his dad, then Jules probably didn't need to worry either. Jules pulled lower lip between her teeth for a moment, still tasting him there. Then she nodded and kissed him again. "I'll follow you over," she murmured, not really caring what they did or didn't do. Even if they just curled up together on the couch watching television all night, that would be enough for her. It felt important just to be near him tonight, like if she went home alone something would change. It was a strange feeling, but Jules didn't want to read too deeply into it. She wasn't going home alone, so it didn't matter.
Jasper wasn’t too concerned with what Jules was going to tell her mom. He was sure she had some cover story, and he was glad that he didn’t need one. That was the one benefit to having neglectful parents -- he got to do what he wanted. There was the slim chance that Gavin would get weird about Jasper having a girl stay the night in ‘his house’ or whatever, but he doubted that would be the case. He gave Jules a grateful little smile when she agreed, and kissed her back. He felt the same, like they needed the time together. Jasper hugged her to his chest for another second, then kissed her forehead before he let go so they could head for their respective cars and get somewhere more comfortable and private and just be together.