Carson Durand (dontlaugh) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2018-03-31 11:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | #october 2017, carson, carson x rylee, rylee |
Who: Rylee and Carson
When: Evening, Saturday, October 14
Where: Their apartment
Warning: turns NSFW
Status: Complete
It had been a long fucking week. With the trips to Portland and home, the tension with Carson, and then her talk with Adam, Rylee was exhausted. Both mentally and physically, and there were times when she took a moment to breathe that she felt it deep in her bones. Without Carson working, but back on crutches, Rylee had picked up some extra shifts at the diner. While it gave her a good excuse to be away from home, she found it somewhat difficult to rally herself into being the kind of cheery waitress most people wanted when they came in to eat, so her tips weren’t as great as she had been hoping.
She helped close Moxie’s tonight and by the time everything was cleaned up and finished, it was close to midnight by the time she drove back to Castle View. She imagined Carson was asleep by now, but just in case, Rylee sat in the parking lot and smoked a cigarette, hoping it would calm her lingering nerves. It wasn’t that she was afraid of Carson. She just wasn’t sure how to act around him right now. Rylee had been feeling rather helpless ever since Tuesday, when he broke down in her car. She felt responsible for how he was feeling, and she found herself wishing she could go back in time and stop herself from confronting him about his feelings. Rylee knew Carson had been dealing with a lot, and she was pretty convinced that had probably made things worse.
Once she finished her cigarette, she flicked the butt away and picked up her bag to head inside. Rylee tried to be quiet as she unlocked the apartment door and stepped inside, not wanting to wake up Carson if he was asleep. All Rylee really wanted was a hot bath and a beer, and then maybe to sleep for eighteen hours or so.
It had been a long week for Carson too. Tuesday had been absolutely exhausting, and the next day hadn’t been much better. He’d felt better, much more stable, but the doctors were still concerned. Especially since he’d been lashing out at things in the exam room before they’d sedated him. After a night of sleep that passed more like a blackout, he got talked to by a few professionals, put on an additional trial medication, and released back into Rylee’s care. The ride home had been mostly silent and tense, but Carson’s misery had been muted, like somebody put a thick blanket over it.
That was pretty much how he’d been feeling since then too. Kind of numb and faraway, a little slow. He figured his body was just still adjusting to the new meds, and at least he wasn’t freaking out about mirrors and big dogs and all, right? He didn’t feel like crying because he wasn’t feeling much of anything.
It was also working in tandem with his sudden decrease in physical activity to keep him awake at night, so he was up when Rylee came through the door. Carson was lounging on the couch in his boxers and a roomy hoodie, arms crossed over his chest, the TV on some cop drama he was barely paying attention to as he idly scrolled through his Twitter feed. None of it seemed important. “Hey,” he greeted his cousin, glancing up at her. “I made some pasta, there’s leftovers in the fridge.”
Rylee hesitated for a moment before she stepped inside and shut the door. She was a little surprised that he was awake, but it didn't seem like he had been waiting up for her either, so Rylee supposed it was just a matter of him not being able to sleep. She went through the motions of putting her bag down and shrugging out of her jacket to hang it up. "Thanks, but I'm not hungry," Rylee murmured, turning away to head into the kitchen to take out a beer from the fridge. She grabbed a bottle opener from the drawer and popped the top off before glancing over at Carson. "How are you feeling?" He probably got sick of that question, but it felt necessary to ask, just in case his new meds weren't working, or he was having some strange side effects.
The tone of her answer might have stung a little if Carson could currently feel little stings. He couldn’t though, so he just didn’t care. He’d thought a few times already that maybe they got the dosage wrong on this new stuff, but he was pretty apathetic about that too. Maybe numbed was better, for him and everybody around him. Carson looked up from his phone at her question, noting the beer in her hand. Not hungry but looking for some of her own numbing. Understandable. “Uh, lesse ... insomnia, partial loss of appetite, lethargy ... and like my emotions are all wrapped up in cotton,” he said, ticking symptoms off on his fingers. He knew why she was asking. Carson knew the meds were working, he just wasn’t sure anymore if they were working too well or just perfectly. “How was your day?”
Based on his answer, Rylee wasn't terribly sure he really even cared how her day was. It was difficult, not feeling like she could talk to him the way she usually did, but again, a lot of that was her own fault. There was some underlying fear that he was still pissed off at her, or maybe he was just...nothing at her anymore. Rylee wasn't sure because she couldn't figure out how to ask. She wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer. Rylee took a pull from the bottle and studied Carson silently before she walked over to sit down beside him on the couch. "We'll give it time and see if you adjust. If you don't, we'll tell them and try something different."
Carson did care, but in a very distant, detached way. He didn’t want Rylee to be upset because he loved her and cared about her, but all the colors on those emotions were muted. Filtered through calm gray. He knew he didn’t like that, but he couldn’t really feel that he didn’t like that. It was like being way too stoned all the time, only with clarity. And much less of an appetite, apparently. Carson set his phone aside and turned the TV down a bit when Rylee sat down, and he sat up more to look at her better. They should talk, he knew that, he just had no idea where to start. Carson remembered how mean he’d been to her at the hospital and he felt bad about it ... bad enough that he actually did feel some of that guilt. He nudged his knee gently against Rylee’s. “You didn’t say how your day was,” he pointed out quietly. Maybe not feeling much of anything would help him talk to her for real, who knew.
Rylee didn't know where to start either. Or if she should even start at all. Things felt weird, and Carson was dealing with enough. It seemed unfair, in a sense, to bring up something that felt insignificant compared to everything else going on. Rylee set her beer down on the coffee table. It was fine was her instinctive answer, because that's what she had been telling everyone this week. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. But... he had been honest with her, so Rylee supposed she could be honest with him. "Long," she admitted, reaching up to pull the hair tie from her ponytail. "Exhausting. I spent the majority of it thinking about you and hating how weird things have felt lately." Rylee ran her hand through her hair a bit before sighing and starting to fidget with the elastic band between her fingers. "I feel like we need to talk but then it's so much easier to avoid it."
Any other time, Carson probably would’ve been wracked with guilt already that she felt like things were weird. Like that was all his doing. They were weird, and in a bad way, and it probably was all his doing, but his instinctual self-blame reaction died before it got very far. He watched Rylee’s fingers toy with her hair tie and tried to think of something helpful to say. Or at least not something callous. “I dunno how much easier it is,” he murmured with a faint smile, reaching up to nudge his glasses up his nose. He’d been wearing them more instead of his contacts since he wasn’t getting out as much. Carson was silent for a beat, his expression somber again. “I’m sorry for ... putting more stress on you. Things have been so fucked up lately ... I haven’t been myself, and I know I’ve been a bitch to deal with.”
Rylee shook her head. "You haven't been a bitch to deal with. I know things have been fucked up, and you've been dealing with a lot. I feel like I contributed to it the night I told you how I felt. I guess I don't know what I really expected to happen." Maybe it wasn't as hard to talk about it as she thought it would be. It had to be better to get it all out in the open than to repress it and pretend things were normal when they weren't. Not anymore. Rylee reached up to push some hair behind her ear, wishing she could just sit still instead of letting her nerves control her. "I think I just... expected everything to fall into place after that. And then they didn't, and I didn't know if it was me, or if... I don't know. But I'm sorry if I made things worse for you. I thought it would have the opposite effect, and it didn't. And I wasn't really sure how to apologize for it."
Carson studied her face while she talked. He was pretty sure he had been a bitch to deal with, between the mood swings and getting hurt again and being overly needy and confused. And then there were the things she didn’t even know about -- Brad and the sex, Brad and the money. Carson felt like he should be more worried about all that than he felt. He wanted to tell her that she hadn’t made anything harder, but Carson didn’t really know if that was even true. Maybe them confessing their feelings and sharing the night they had ... maybe that had exacerbated things. But he didn’t regret it. Not for his own sake, at least. After a beat of silence, he reached out to hook a couple of his fingers around hers, to at least partially hold her hand in hopefully a non-invasive way. “It didn’t make things worse,” he said. “Considering the circumstances ... it made me feel better. Like I didn’t just ... sexually assault you. I mean, I did, kind of, but ... knowing how you felt made it easier to handle. And I didn’t feel alone with it anymore. So don’t think it was all a bad thing, please? I don’t want you to regret being honest with me.” He paused, wetting his lips and furrowing his brow at her a little bit. “How did you want everything to fall into place, though? What would that look like to you?”
His touch seemed to help ease some of her anxiety over having this conversation and Rylee couldn't help but tighten her fingers around his, like he might pull them away at any moment. Carson's question prompted something of a self deprecating laugh from her. "I don't know how to answer that, honestly. Rationally, I knew nothing would come of it, for obvious reasons. But..." Rylee shrugged softly and found it difficult to keep looking at him, so her gaze shifted down to their joined fingers. "You're the only man I've ever said I love you to, which... you probably know already. And you know I'm not a romantic, Carson, but there was something inside of me that wanted it to be different. And I wasn't really sure how to act, or what to say. Things felt strange between us instead of good, and I'm not sure why." Rylee sighed, wishing she didn't feel so raw and open at the moment. It was an uncomfortable feeling.
Carson twined their fingers closer together as he listened to her, having that weird muted sense that he would be much more emotional about this if he felt normal. Or maybe he was losing track of what normal felt like. He’d had so many ups and downs lately, it was hard to know. Carson knew where she was coming from because he’d felt the same thing. There had always been an element of fantasy to how he thought about the two of them, when he allowed himself to think about it. Reality was turning out much differently. He took a deeper, slower breath, looking down at their hands as well. “I do love you, you know,” he said quietly. “And if you weren’t my cousin? We would be together. And I think ... we would actually be good together. I think we just ... I dunno.” He sighed softly and reached up to rub at one eye behind his glasses. “I didn’t know what to do either. I felt ... guilty and weird and like I was fucking up your life. Like, even more.” He let out a soft chuckle.
It was kind of weird, feeling like maybe she was being overly emotional while Carson seemed so calm. Usually it was the other way around and Rylee wasn't entirely sure how to handle it. She was so rarely emotional about anything. It was fairly obvious from the way he spoke that This wasn't going to become anything. They'd had their moment and now things needed to go back to how they were before. The logical part of her brain knew Carson was right. It was just that pesky, optimistic romantic side of her that never got to surface that felt the weight of disappointment. Again, Rylee wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but it still hurt in an entirely irrational way. How was she supposed to just go back to pretending? Could he? "Don't worry, no one fucks up my life but me," Rylee murmured with a faint smile. "Don't feel guilty, or weird. What happened happened and now... I guess it's over. So." She took a breath and managed a more sincere smile. "Are you okay, though? Do you need anything? I took a morning shift, so I might try to get some sleep."
Carson’s brow had furrowed a bit more. Just saying ‘guess it’s over’ didn’t feel right either. He didn’t think it could be over. This was a feeling they’d both been carrying for years that had finally gotten expressed. As much as part of him longed to be ‘normal’ and not have the life-complication of being in love with his fucking cousin, he didn’t know if he could go back to pretending that wasn’t the case. At least to her, the person who mattered the most to him. Especially now that he knew it wasn’t just one-sided. “Hang on ...” he said, looking at her with a fretful expression. “That’s it? You just guess it’s over? I mean ... I dunno what we do from here, Ry, but it doesn’t feel over to me.” He couldn’t help but think that he would’ve been handling it better if everything else wasn’t happening to him too -- being attacked by a fucking monster, having these emotional breakdowns because his meds were off or whatever, hallucinating. Carson hadn’t exactly been at his best lately.
It felt like Rylee had been trying to give him an easy out so they could just put this whole thing to bed and try to get back to how things were before. Obviously she knew it wouldn't be that easy but it felt like their options were extremely limited, if not non-existent. Her brows furrowed in mild confusion at his reaction and she felt a surge of frustration that had nothing to do with Carson and more to do with the entire situation. No, it didn't feel over to Rylee either, but she hated this feeling, like they were stuck in limbo with no way out. It was hard just to even talk about it. "I just don't know what to do," Rylee explained, a hint of that frustration seeping into her voice. “If we can't be together, I get it, but I don't know that we can be what we were before either. I don't know. And that's the worst part, is all the I don't knows." She exhaled softly and couldn't help but squeeze his hand. "What do you want from me, Carson. What do you want?"
He hated how stressed she sounded, and knowing that he caused the majority of that stress. Rylee could say that he didn’t all day long, but Carson knew better. She’d been taking care of him to varying degrees for years, and this past month or two had been exceptionally difficult. Her tone and questions made him feel dimly awful, because he didn’t have any answers. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, and he knew that was even more frustrating. Carson squeezed her hand back, looking pained even through his fog. “I want us not to be related so this wouldn’t even be a problem,” he muttered first, but that was an impossibility. “I don’t know, Rylee. I really don’t, I’m sorry. I just ... I want us to be free to feel how we feel about each other. I wanna come home and hang out and snuggle. I wanna kiss you and make you come and sleep in the same bed. But I don’t wanna be ostracized by our entire family and this podunk fucking town, where everybody knows everybody’s business. I don’t want it to ruin our lives, and I don’t want to cause you any more pain than I already have. But I don’t know if I can go back to pretending. I don’t have an answer besides like ... move and pretend not to be cousins somewhere else. What do you want? Do you want it to be over now?”
Despite how badly she wanted to hear those words, none of it really helped. Because there was still so much uncertainty. They couldn't move away, could they? And if they couldn't, what did that mean? He didn't think he could go back to pretending, and Rylee didn't think she could either, even if she tried. So where did that leave them? Rylee was silent for several moments, her gaze locked on the way his fingers held hers. Finally she sighed and rubbed her eye with her free hand. "I know you don't believe me, Carson, but you don't cause me pain. And if you have, it's been because your pain causes me pain, and that's not something you can help. I don't like seeing you hurt, or unhappy. I hate that you don't feel normal because of how you feel about me. I don't want your life ruined either." Dropping her hand to her lap, Rylee gave him a weary, almost resigned look. "I don't want it to be over. Even if I did, I don't think I could just turn it off. All I've been able to do is think about you and what happened between us and it's like... I don't want anyone else. I just don't know what to do about it."
Guilt tugged at Carson’s chest as his morning with Brad flashed through his mind. That had been so impulsive, making good on some sexual tension they’d had between them from the beginning, and a lowkey desperate bid to inject some normalcy back into his life. Only it had probably just complicated things further instead of helped. Knowing that he’d done that would cause her pain, he was convinced. Rylee didn’t want anyone else ... did he, really? Carson wasn’t sure. Not in any real, intimate sense right then. Sex was one thing, having a relationship with someone was something else. “That’s not ...” he sighed. “Look, there are a lot of things that make me feel not-normal now. How I feel about you is just one part of it. But honest to God, it’s the best part, the only one that makes me feel any kind of good, pretty much ever. The rest of it ... puts me in a wheelchair and makes me act like a giant bipolar asshole and see shit that’s not there and yell about mirrors, so. Don’t take that on yourself, okay?” Carson shifted his position to put himself a bit closer to Rylee, and he lifted her hand to press his lips to the back of it. “Maybe we don’t have to figure it all out tonight. But I’m glad we’re talking about it now, y’know? Because I’m constantly thinking about you too. Just ... in stupid circles that don’t get me anywhere.”
Rylee knew he didn't want her taking any responsibility, but she couldn't help it. It did something amazing to her insides when she heard him tell her he loved her, but it was always diminished some when he said how abnormal it was. She knew it wasn't normal by most standards, but it still felt... natural to her. She couldn't help it. And that told Rylee that she was probably just as fucked up as Carson was, just in a different way. But she nodded along to what he said, understanding it even if it didn't really bring them anywhere closer to finally a solution. "Maybe that's just where we're doomed to be," Rylee said. "Running around in stupid circles and never getting anywhere." She cupped his hand with both of hers now and brought it up to her mouth where she pressed her lips against his fingers. All she wanted was to just forget the bad stuff, the uncertainty. For that moment, Rylee just wanted to bask in how she felt and be okay with it. "You just felt so distant from me lately," she murmured, keeping his fingers in her hands and pressing her cheek against them. "I know you've been dealing with so much, but I was afraid I was losing you."
Carson moved his thumb to stroke her cheek while she was kissing it, his chest feeling a bit achey over all of this. That feeling probably would’ve been worse if he wasn’t chemically numbed, so part of him as kind of glad he was still adjusting to these meds. He wasn’t sure how to explain that he’d been so intensely happy that she loved him back, but it hurt so bad at the same time because he knew nothing could ever come of it out in the open. At least not while they were living in Point Pleasant and still had contact with their family. Some of them might understand, but he was pretty sure the majority wouldn’t. And he would be the fucked up brain damaged pervert in people’s eyes, and Rylee might end up being seen as some twisted trampy predator taking advantage of his illness or something. He just couldn’t imagine it would turn out well. Carson squeezed her hand gently and scooted over even closer to lean in and kiss her temple. “I know, I’m sorry,” he murmured. “You’re never gonna lose me, Ry. Stuck with me for life. And I want so badly to give us what we both want, but I dunno how without causing damage, y’know?” He sounded sad about it as he nuzzled her. She smelled good, even after work.
She was glad Carson was being rational, because Rylee didn't feel rational at all in that moment. She felt selfish and uncaring about how the rest of the world perceived them. It would pass, of course, but it was so difficult to care when it was just the two of them. Breathing in through her nose, Rylee exhaled softly and nodded, comforted by the nuzzle, even if it was difficult having him so near. There was that frustration again too. Because they couldn't pretend this meant nothing, but at the same time, it couldn't even be anything. So what did it mean? It didn't seem as if either of them knew. They were back to going around and around in stupid circles. Rylee brought her hand up to cup the nape of his neck as she closed her eyes. She just wanted to enjoy the nearness for a moment. "I think... damage will happen no matter what we do, or don't do," she murmured before pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his lips. "We're going to have to figure out how to deal with it eventually."
Carson’s rationality could only stretch so far, however, and it weakened considerably the closer he got to Rylee. Maybe ... maybe they could just have something that was only theirs. A private affair in the comfort of the home they’d already shared for a long time. Nobody would know. It was nobody else’s business to know. It seemed plausible in the moment, with Rylee’s hand on the back of his neck, and then it seemed necessary when her lips pressed against him. “We’ll figure something out,” he murmured in agreement, moving his head just slightly so their mouths brushed together. He had a vague thought about Brad and how he was going to handle that -- and any other opportunity for something romantic with someone else that might cross his path -- but Carson didn’t have the brainpower to really consider all that yet. All that seemed to matter at the moment was Rylee. “Just gotta ... pick our damage.” His heart had picked up a bit more speed, and while everything was still kind of muted, he definitely wanted to really kiss her.
Rylee supposed she had an advantage to all of this, in that she never worried about romantic entanglements, because she never allowed herself to have them. She slept with men, probably more often than she really wanted, but relationships, or potential relationships, just didn't appeal to her. Maybe because in her heart she knew it would never work out, because she was in love with Carson, and what would have been the point to try with someone else? She also knew it wasn't fair of her to want the same for Carson, but it was really hard to remember why with his lips so close to hers. "We'll figure it out," Rylee agreed before kissing him again. She was maybe a little tentative, but she couldn't really resist it with him so close. A kiss was okay, wasn't it? Maybe they could just... do this sometimes when everything else got too hard to deal with. Because kissing Carson seemed to wipe away the rest of her worries and she needed that desperately right now.
Carson didn’t know if this was a good idea or not, but it sure as hell felt like it, and he’d spent a few days now not feeling much of anything. So the rush of warmth and want that came through his emotional haze was impossible for him to resist, even if he’d had the will to. They hadn’t kissed since the night they’d spent together, and Carson found that their mouths still fit together perfectly. He let his eyes slip closed and just soaked in the silky feel of Rylee’s lips against his, lifting his free hand to slip it around her side. He pulled her a little closer as he parted his lips to deepen the kiss. Maybe indulging in this wouldn’t help them, maybe it would ultimately make things worse and harder, but Carson couldn’t deny that it felt right and good, and maybe they both really needed that. Especially considering the week they’d had.
It was so easy to justify it when they were in the moment and it felt good. It was like they were the only two people in the world and nothing else mattered. Nobody could touch them like this. Yes, reality would resurface soon enough, but Rylee wanted this, at least for now. Letting go of Carson's hand, Rylee brought her hand up to cup the side of his face when he deepened their kiss. He tasted just as she remembered and Rylee felt a sudden surge of sadness bordering on acute devastation, that this felt completely and utterly hopeless. It felt like the only way this could end was with heartbreak. Carson said she was stuck with him for life, but was that really true? Her emotions prompted her to grip him tighter to her as she clenched her eyes shut to try and keep the burning behind them hidden. "I love you," she murmured against his mouth.
Carson picked up on the subtle shift in Rylee’s breathing, but he wasn’t sure what it meant. If he hadn’t been halfway numb from the increased medication, he probably would have been right there with her, getting overwhelmed with feelings. It was bittersweet as it was, because he had all the same questions she did. Rylee was the most important person in Carson’s life and he would fight like hell not to lose her, but he couldn’t predict the future. He had the same fear of eventual abandonment that she did. The way she squeezed him pulled at something in his chest and he moved to briefly rub his nose against hers. “I love you too, Ry,” he whispered before he kissed her again. No matter what happened, he wanted her to be sure of that.
It felt like there was so much more they should talk about, but it was just so late, and they were both exhausted from the past few days. Rylee wished she could just take him back to her room where they could fall asleep tangled up together. It was just so much easier not to have to talk. Both hands cupped his face now as she kissed him back, trying not to let the desperation she was feeling seep into it. All she could was push down the emotion and just enjoy how good his mouth felt against hers. The memory of it would keep her warm later when she was in bed alone. No matter what happened, Rylee knew they needed to figure out how to deal with this. If they didn't, she feared it would just get harder and eventually drive a wedge between them that they wouldn't be able to fix. That scared her more than not being able to be with him, in all honesty.
Even though Rylee was trying to hold it back, Carson could sense that there was more tender feelings than passion in this kiss. His body naturally wanted him to try to ramp things up, but Carson wasn’t sure tonight was the night for it. He kissed Rylee a few more soft times, then pulled back to look at her, his hand rubbing lightly against her back. He just gazed at her for a moment, then quirked a tiny smile. “Can we sleep together tonight?” Carson asked in a murmur. It was a risky thing to do, he knew that, but he didn’t care. Regardless of what they ended up doing or not doing about their problem, they drew comfort from one another. Carson thought some comfort could do both of them good tonight.
As much as Rylee craved more from Carson, she was feeling far too raw and vulnerable tonight to try and make it happen. It scared her, finally letting these feelings loose, and it was something that Rylee simply wasn't used to dealing with. It didn't help that it was confusing and complicated and frustrating. She just wanted to climb into bed and fall asleep where she didn't have to think about it. But... climbing into bed with Carson and falling asleep with his arms around her sounded even better. Rylee smiled softly and nodded, letting her thumb glide along his jaw for a moment. "Definitely," she said before leaning in to kiss him softly again. "Do you need help getting to your room?" His bed was big enough, and she would rather be near his stuff in case he needed anything in the middle of the night.
They’d spent the night in his bed the first time too, and something about doing it that way again felt right. If these turned into bad memories, Carson didn’t want Rylee to have to sleep in them. He kissed her back through a similar gentle smile, then shook his head a little. “Nah, I got it. And I gotta stop by the bathroom first, so you go ahead.” He kissed her cheek one more time before he pulled back so she could get up. He leaned and reached for his crutches so he could do the same. Carson wasn’t sure if they would be able to sleep immediately or not, but getting stretched out and comfortable and being able to really hold her better would be nice and soothing. And why couldn’t they have that sort of intimacy all the time? It wasn’t hurting anyone, right? Especially if nobody knew about it.
Rylee stood and picked up her beer to take it back into the kitchen to dump the rest in the sink. She had to resist sticking around to make sure Carson didn't need her help, but she did glance back at him as she walked down the hall to her bedroom to change out of her diner uniform. After pulling on her pajama pants and tank top, she walked across the hall to Carson's bedroom. Rylee sat on the edge of the bed, remembering the last time she had slept there. It was probably the last time she'd had a full night of restful sleep. That had probably been a combination of Carson and the orgasm he had given her. Rylee probably would have slipped into the bed to wait, but she realized she needed to brush her teeth, so she flopped back, her hands on her stomach as she stared at the ceiling and waited for Carson.
Carson did his routine in the bathroom -- piss, wash face, brush teeth, rub some cream on the wound on his calf and re-wrap it -- then made his way to his bedroom. He’d showered earlier that day and hadn’t really done anything since, so he felt clean enough. He sat on the edge of his bed next to Rylee, smiling faintly at the position she’d taken up. Part of him thought she looked too dressed, too, but he wasn’t going to insist on anything. He leaned his crutches within reach and started to take off his prosthetic and the sock underneath it. It was a good quality leg, a bit of an upgrade from the one that had gotten wrecked, and he was looking forward to his other calf fully healing so he could take advantage of it. If his calf fully healed, that was. He would be pissed if it didn’t.
Rylee sat up as Carson began the process of taking off his prosthetic. She stood and kissed the top of his head before murmuring that she would be right back. After brushing her hair and teeth, she flipped off the lights and returned to Carson's room, walking around the bed to slip in under the blankets. "How's your leg feeling?" she asked quietly. He hadn't been complaining about any pain, but they hadn't exactly been talking a lot since Carson was released from the VA. Rylee just wanted to make sure she wasn't going to accidentally hurt him in the middle of the night if she ended up tossing and turning.
“Still sore, but it’s all right,” Carson assured her as he slid himself under the sheets as well. He’d flipped off the lights and shed the sweatshirt, so he was only sleeping in boxers, but he thought it would be dumb at this point to try and put more clothes on. He hated sleeping in clothes, and now Rylee had seen all of him in every possible condition, so why bother. Carson shifted in closer, slipping his arm around Rylee to pull her in against him. He pressed a soft kiss against her nose, and then one cheek. “I love you,” he murmured softly, gazing at her eyes. “And we’re gonna be okay, one way or another.”
Rylee scooted in closer to Carson, sliding her arm over his stomach as she curled in toward him. His body was solid and warm and she closed her eyes, pleased that she was managing to resist letting her hand wander. "I love you too," Rylee said quietly, comforted by the dark surrounding them. "I know we'll be okay. Sometimes it's just hard to see it. But... I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I mean, uncertain. I don't like not talking to you every day, like we used to. I don't want things to be weird between us. I tell you everything, and I want it to stay that way, you know?"
Carson slid his fingertips idly against Rylee’s back. Her body felt soft and warm and perfect against his side, and he felt some of the day’s tension leaking out of him as well. This was nice, and even more importantly it felt natural, like they belonged pressed together in the dark. He nodded slightly at her words, his free hand moving to curl lightly around her wrist, thumb rubbing against her skin. He wasn’t even thinking about touching her so much, it just felt right to do. “Yeah I know,” he murmured back. “So ... keep telling me everything. Talk to me every day. And I’ll do the same and we can ... go from there, I guess?” He couldn’t help but sound a little uncertain, mostly because there were a couple of things he hadn’t told her, and Carson didn’t know how to do so.
His touch was soothing and Rylee had to admit that she was more comfortable in Carson's bed, pressed up against him in the dark, than she'd ever been with any of her "boyfriends". This felt right and she let her eyes shut at the way his fingers stroked her skin, soft and comforting. It seemed almost natural for her thumb to press gentle circles against his rib cage. "Promise?" Rylee could hear the subtle uncertainty in his tone, and she couldn't blame him for it. She felt it too. "I know things have changed, but... I need you. And not just like this." Laying in bed together, intimate and wishing for more. Carson was her best friend. It felt unnatural not to know how to talk to him.
Carson closed his eyes, his brow furrowing a bit in the dark. “I promise.” He would have to tell her about Brad, and the money, but now didn’t seem like the time. He had to be prepared for her to get pissed at him about it, and they’d just settled down and Rylee seemed to be feeling slightly better, and he didn’t want to fuck it up. He would tell her, he promised himself too, and he would do his best to make her understand. He needed her to understand, even if it took a while. But for now he just wanted to hold her. Carson kissed her forehead. “I need you too,” he murmured. “You’re my favorite person in the whole world, you know that, right? No matter what happens.” He gave her a little squeeze, liking how her thumb felt against his skin.
Rylee laughed a little. "I know. And you're mine. Obviously." She didn't want to say no matter what happens anymore. She wanted to just believe that everything would work out, that things would eventually fall into place. 'No matter what' seemed to just implicated bad things could happen too, and Rylee didn't want to consider that a possibility right now. It felt too nice laying there in Carson's bed with his arm around her to let her mind go down that potentially dark road. She wanted to apologize for what had happened at the VA, for upsetting him. But it didn't feel like the right time now, and deep down she knew she had done the right thing, even if he had been angry with her over it. It felt like he'd forgiven her now, so that helped ease her mind a bit too. Rylee turned her face in against his skin a bit and smiled softly. "I'll try my best to keep my hands to myself tonight. But if I kick you in my sleep or something, wake me up so I don't hurt you."
Carson had barely spared more than a few thoughts to what happened at the VA ... at least Rylee’s part in it. He felt guilty for being such an angry asshole about the whole thing and making a scene. But being kept there and evaluated had obviously been something that needed to happen. He didn’t blame her for it. It had been pretty admirable, in fact, since he knew it hadn’t been an easy call to make. A tiny smile of his own crossed his face at her words, and Carson rubbed his hand a bit more firmly against her back. “Don’t try too hard on my behalf,” he murmured. “Hands to yourself, I mean. ... well okay, putting effort into kicking would be weird, so don’t try hard there either, but ... you know what I mean.” He huffed a little laugh and turned his nose into her hair to breathe her in again, feeling that familiar tug in his chest.
"I know what you mean," Rylee promised with a small chuckle. She spread her hand out against his stomach now, loving how his bare skin felt beneath her. It reminded her of the first time they had touched each other this way, how tentative both of them had been, but how amazing it felt in the moment. She still wasn't entirely sure what she could or couldn't do... or should and shouldn't do, really. But it felt nice being there with him, and her thumb stroked his skin when she felt him breathe in her scent. Unable to resist, Rylee tilted her head up so she could press a soft kiss to his mouth, since he was right there. "I won't kick," she murmured against his lips.
It was such a gentle, intimate connection, but it still made the whole front of Carson’s body tingle, especially around where Rylee’s warm hand was resting. He had absolutely zero desire to pull his mouth away from hers, or his body, or his whole fucking life, if he was being honest. He loved her, he truly did, and having her in bed with him felt more right than anything else he had going on, that was for sure. It made his heart ache, but that was distant enough for him to focus on Rylee right then and there instead. “I appreciate it,” he whispered back, quirking a tiny smile before he kissed her again. Carson kept it soft and gentle, but he lingered in it this time, just taking in the taste and feel of her again. Was it stupid to think you’d missed something after only having it once? Maybe, but the feeling was there anyway, like he’d been longing for this.
It was hard not to sigh with contentment when Carson kissed her again. She had been pretty certain that after that first night together it wouldn't happen again. Rylee supposed on some level that probably would have been better for the both of them, but now, pressed up against him with his mouth moving over hers, Rylee couldn't imagine how. She let her hand roam, though it stayed within appropriate boundaries, her fingers tracing over his skin and the tattoos she knew where there. She knew Carson would vehemently disagree with her, but to her, his entire body was perfect and desirable. Parting her lips slightly, Rylee deepened their kiss so she could taste him better, feeling warmer now than she had all evening. She finally felt like she could breathe, now that she knew he wasn't angry with her and still wanted her. Rylee had no idea what that meant or what could be done about it, but she was determined not to think about it tonight.
Not-thinking was appealing to Carson too. His anxiety was currently low enough that it was easy to sink into the mental quiet that came with kissing Rylee. They’d been doing it on the couch not too long ago, but it felt different in bed. Maybe because of what they’d already done, or just the vulnerable intimacy of it all, or ... something. It didn’t matter. All Carson knew was that he felt good kissing her, and her hand felt wonderful on his bare skin, and he wanted even more of that contact. He rolled onto his side a bit to get closer, though he kept his hips tilted a bit so he wasn’t fully flush against her, just in case she didn’t want that. Carson brought his hand up to cup the side of her face, tasting her back soft and slow.
It was insane to think she didn't want Carson pressed up against her. Even then it probably wouldn't feel close enough. Rylee slid her hand over his side and scooted in, closing the remaining distance between them herself. Like it had before, she felt a bit freer kissing him in the dark, like they could somehow hide from the world outside of his room. Kissing Carson had quite quickly become her favorite thing to do. The way his lips felt, and the way he tasted, it was intoxicating to her. There was emotion that always shifted between them, but a deeper passion too, one she was finding she couldn't get enough of. Rylee sucked lightly on his lower lip before slipping her tongue past his lips, her fingertips grazing down his side before she pressed them gently into his hip.
Feeling Rylee press in closer all on her own was even better than doing it himself, and Carson shifted into it naturally. She felt so good against him, curvy and warm and right, and the light pressure against his crotch along with the kissing was waking up his cock. He hadn’t been horny at all in the past week or so, everything was too much bullshit for that. This was the opposite of bullshit though, and his body remembered very well how it had felt to get intimate with Rylee. The way she touched and kissed him stoked a particular kind of heat in his gut, and Carson’s hand pressed more firmly against her back, his other one sliding down to rest on her upper chest while he flicked at her tongue with his own. He hadn’t really had this in mind when he’d asked if they could sleep together, but Carson wasn’t going to fight it, not tonight.
She hadn't planned on this either, but had been more than content with just curling up next to Carson and falling asleep. Rylee was mindful of his legs, but it was hard to stay focused when she could feel his cock starting to harden against her body. Some tiny part of her felt like she ought to stop now, before things got too heated, but the part that wanted to keep going overwhelmed all of that. His hands felt too good on her body and Rylee could feel the intensity rise in their kiss. It would be so easy to get carried away, and maybe that was part of the danger of sleeping in the same bed, as nice as it had been just resting against him. A soft moan rose unbidden in her throat and Rylee slipped the tips of her fingers into the waistband of his boxers, not moving them any further down, but simply touching his heated skin beneath the material.
That little touch was tantalizing, and while it crossed Carson’s mind to ask her again if she was sure, letting Rylee make those moves settled his mind about it some. Whether it was right or good for them or not, it was undeniable that both of them wanted it, and that had to count for something. Right then it felt like it surely counted for more than anything else. Carson had never been terribly good at impulse control, after all. And that moan of Rylee’s sent blood rushing faster into his cock. With only a bit of tentativeness, he moved his hand downward to cover one of her breasts, thumb stroking over the nipple through the soft fabric of her tank top. She was a lot more clothed than him, and part of Carson wanted to tear all of it off immediately, but there was always the chance Rylee could put a stop to this, so slow and easy was best for now. Carson just focused on kissing her and how her nipple got harder under his touch.
Rylee didn't want to be asked anything. She didn't even want to talk. She just wanted this, and to revel in the closeness between them for as long as she could. There was a soft, aching throb that began between her legs as soon as she felt Carson's hand cover her breast, and he stimulated her nipple, causing her to move a little against him as it stoked her arousal. With a quiet noise against his lips, Rylee drew her hand up to pull the strap of her tank top down, just enough that she could tug the top of her tank top lower, exposing her breast for him. He had seen her naked already, so Rylee wasn't feeling modest or shy about it, and it seemed to be only fair, given he was definitely more naked than she was right now. Besides, Rylee wanted to see his fingers against her bare skin, and she honestly didn't think Carson would mind it.
Minding anything that was going on was the furthest from how Carson currently felt. He moved his hand for Rylee to pull the thin cotton down from over her breast, then didn’t hesitate to replace his hand, letting out a soft groan of his own at how her bare flesh felt against his palm. She was so soft and so warm, and the gentle weight in his hand was delicious. He just wanted to bury his face in her tits and never leave. Instead Carson kissed her with even more heat, squeezing a bit and flicking his thumb over her nipple again, enjoying it even more with nothing between them. His hips pushed forward slightly, his hard cock craving pressure and friction and to touch any part of Rylee. This was all definitely easier in the dark, and Carson felt like this bed was their own private space, where nothing mattered but them and what they wanted. Foolish, maybe, but there it was.
Rylee was completely on board with Carson's bed being a safe, private place for them. It felt like an unspoken acknowledgement that nothing could hurt them here. It was probably silly of her to feel that way, but right now she honestly didn't care. It was getting harder to breathe with how fast her heart was beating now and Rylee couldn't help but press back against Carson instinctively, feeling her own desire for any kind of pressure between her legs. Arching into his touch, Rylee slid her hand further into his boxers until her fingers curled around his cock. He was so hard for her and Rylee licked gently at his lower lip as she began to work him in her palm. Nothing too hard or fast, but just enough for him to feel it in the confines of his boxers.
Carson had to break the kiss for a brief moment to inhale deep and unsteady when Rylee wrapped her hand around him. It made him feel hard enough to ache, and the drag of her skin against his cock gave him a little shiver up his spine. Why did her hand feel so much better than any other hand that had ever touched him? Fuck. Carson pinched lightly at her nipple for a moment, kissing her deeply again, before he started sliding his own palm down her body. He slipped his hand down the front of her pajama pants and then her panties too. The fact that they’d now done this before, and Rylee’s hand was in his underwear, made him feel bolder about it, like he had a freedom with her body that he’d never had. With a soft groan of appreciation, he cupped her pussy with his hand, one finger pressing up against her clit gently.
There was definitely less hesitation now than there had been that first night. Rylee had only been allowed to explore him that one time, but now it felt like she knew his body almost as well as her own. And she loved how hot and hard he felt in her palm, how she was the reason for it. More than anything, Rylee loved that he was touching her back. She couldn't get enough of it, and being with him like this now made her realize how much she had missed him over the past week or so. Yes, they had seen one another, and talked, but it had felt so distant. At least right now, Rylee felt like Carson was hers again. A soft, shaky breath escaped her as soon as his hand slipped into her panties and Rylee moaned at that first, exquisite touch. It sent a shockwave of pleasure through her and Rylee had to pull her mouth away from his to breathe, her hips pushing gently against his hand, encouraging him.
If only she had any concept of just how often he had been hard for her. Usually in the dark like this, only with less company and more shame. It was hard to feel anything but turned on and hungry for her in that moment. If only he’d known that the attraction was mutual, maybe they would have done this a long time ago. It felt like there was catching up to do, fucked up as it was. Catching up and making up, because Carson had felt that chasm between them for the past little while too. How could something wrong feel this healing? He gently butted his forehead against hers to stay close but let them breathe. Scraping his teeth over his bottom lip as he started to rub her, spreading the wetness that was already building. Carson already loved turning Rylee on and being able to feel the evidence of it. He wanted to make her moan some more.
Rylee had suppressed her feelings for Carson for a very long time, and she had convinced herself that they were both better off for it. Maybe they had been. Maybe this was all going to implode now and everything would change for the worst. She didn't want to truly believe that, because this felt so right, and so good, and how could anything this strong be bad? Rylee's eyes were closed now, her hand slowly stroking Carson as he touched her. Her moans were quiet in the dark room, but took on an edge of desperation the longer Carson rubbed her clit. She could feel how wet she was now and she wished she could shed her pajama pants and panties and just curl her leg over his hip and pull him into her. Trying to concentrate, Rylee brought her hand out of his boxers to lick her fingers before she returned to his cock and began to stroke him with a bit more pressure.
Carson already felt addicted to touching her, exploring her folds with his fingers, that velvety skin sliding under his touch in such a delicious way. He could easily imagine what it would feel like to sink into her, to feel all that heat and wetness slide down around his cock as he got as close to her as he actually wanted to. The tension and Rylee’s strokes had him breathing heavy and moaning softly, but the addition of spit into the mix really made him groan. Lubrication always made it better. Rocking his hips forward in short, slow thrusts, he pushed against her hand as he finally slipped a finger up inside of Rylee. Carson wanted it to be his cock so badly, but somehow this felt right too, like something they would have done as teenagers if they’d been bold enough. He added a second finger, his cock flexing in her hand at how tight she felt, and started to work them in and out of her.
Listening to Carson moan was one of the most erotic things Rylee had ever experienced. She loved his voice in general, but god, the soft noises of pleasure escaping him seemed to intensify her own arousal. Her body squeezed instinctively around his fingers and she began to rock her own hips, bending her knee up a little so he could move them in and out of her easier. Rylee's head fell back a touch as she bit her lower lip, her thumb brushing over the tip of his cock to spread the wetness she discovered there. Her nerves felt raw and exposed, burning up with an ache she couldn't quite soothe. Honestly, it was kind of sexy, being partially clothed, jerking each other off in the dark. Rather than lick her fingers again, Rylee pulled her hand from his boxers again before tugging them down enough to free his cock completely. Biting into her lower lip, Rylee slipped her hand down her own pajamas and into her panties, gripping Carson's wrist to pull his fingers out of her. She could hear how wet she was and Rylee rubbed her clit for a moment before fingering herself. One finger, then two, prompting a groan from her throat. She got her fingers slick and covered with her juices before pulling her hand from her panties to reach for Carson's cock again, working the wetness over his cock before she began to stroke him again.
For a second Carson thought she might be completely stopping him, and his eyes opened as he pulled his hand far enough away to give her room. He caught on when she let his wrist go, however. He could still feel what she was doing when she replaced his hand with her own though, his fingers brushing over the backs of hers as she got them wet. Carson was pretty sure feeling Rylee finger herself and hearing that noise she made was the sexiest thing he’d ever felt. He made a soft, answering sound of his own, which was quickly followed by a louder groan as she took that slickness and put it on his cock. His hips gave a little jerk and his hand pressed harder into her back as pleasure licked up his spine. He couldn’t even remember the last time someone had just jerked him off like this, but fuck, he was suddenly really close to coming. It was just Rylee, she had that effect on him. Carson eagerly started rubbing her again, fingertips brushing teasingly over her swollen clit before he slid two of them back into her, wanting her to experience this almost-fucking they were doing as intensely as he was.
Fuck, his fingers felt so good. Rylee couldn't stay quiet any longer, not with the way he was working her so close to orgasm. She spread that slick wetness all the way down his cock, squeezing him firmly on her way back up. Her hips moved against his hand, and with her eyes shut, it was so easy to pretend that he was actually fucking her. Yes, his fingers felt amazing, but she knew his cock would be heaven, thrusting in and out of her, hard and desperate. Jesus Christ, she wanted it so bad. The mental image of that alone prompted a whimper from her lips as she began to peak and she writhed against Carson's hand shamelessly. "Gonna come," Rylee moaned, the sound of Carson's heavy breathing and their hands working each other's bodies only pushing her faster and harder toward the edge.
Carson was helpless against the rising tide of his own climax, absolutely mesmerized by how Rylee moved and sounded and breathed. He finger-fucked her with abandon now that she was really on her way, thrusting like he would if it was his cock, his palm rubbing against her clit as much as possible too. Her hand felt so good around him, but that was almost secondary to everything else that was going on. Having any part of him inside her, being able to make her come, it was hot as fuck, and it was easy to imagine that hot wet squeeze around his cock instead of his knuckles. Carson groaned at her words, his eyes cracking open again to drink in her expression. “Yeah?” he breathed as he thrust his fingers harder into her. “Me too, come with me baby.” It came out as more of a plea than a demand as Carson’s balls drew up tight and his cock jerked in her hand, his breath stopping altogether as his orgasm crashed into him.
It was the sound of his voice, the way he spoke to her, that really did it. Rylee was somewhat relieved to know that he was right there on the edge with her, because she had a feeling she was going to be fucking boneless and exhausted after this, and she wanted so desperately to make him come. "Yeah," Rylee moaned, thrusting against his hand again and again until she shattered, the force of her orgasm stealing her breath as it flooded her body. It was then she felt the warm, thick liquid cover her fingers and panting, Rylee cracked open her eyes to look down between their bodies, watching in fascination as Carson let go, her hand squeezing and milking him through it. She had given him head last time, remembering how he'd tasted in the back of her throat just before she'd swallowed his load. But fuck, this was just as hot and she moaned softly as her body trembled, throbbing deliciously around his fingers that were still buried inside of her.
Carson was happily lost for a while in that mindless ocean of pleasure, only aware of how good his body felt and what Rylee’s body was doing. Coming at the same time while fucking was tricky enough, he thought doing it with just hands was probably some kind of miracle. The way her pussy clenched rhythmically around his fingers just made his own orgasm feel better, and Carson let his breath out in a low groan as his balls emptied themselves onto the sheet and Rylee’s hand. Fuck, he was hungry to do that inside of her sometime. Carson kept his fingers inside of her as he opened his eyes again, coming back to the real world a bit as his climax faded. She still felt like she was having little aftershocks, and he gently moved with them, his thumb pressing lightly against her clit, wanting to wring as much pleasure out of her body as he could. She was so goddamn beautiful, he had to kiss the corner of her mouth.
Rylee sighed contently, shivering a little at how his fingers felt inside of her now that her orgasm had dulled and faded. When she felt his lips, Rylee turned her face ever so slightly to kiss him properly, her hand still lazily stroking his cock. They would probably need to get cleaned up, but maybe that could wait. Rylee was so used to getting up after sex and taking a shower, or getting dressed to go home. It was nice knowing she could just lay there with him, knowing that he wanted her there. With the temporary euphoria fading, Rylee thought in a vague sort of way that she hoped Carson didn't think this was what she had planned to do when he asked her to sleep in his room tonight. He certainly didn't seem to mind it, but still. Rylee lingered in their kiss before she relaxed and opened her eyes look at him. "Want me to get something to clean us up?" she asked quietly, her lips twitching a bit at the sides.
Carson did not want to get up at all. For one, he was incredibly comfortable. For two, he had the dumb sense that getting up might break some spell, and they would instantly regret doing this again. He couldn’t fathom why at the moment, everything in him felt too good, but he knew that might just be the post-orgasmic bliss and the magic of being in bed in the dark. He wanted to hang onto that for a while. “Hang on, I’ve got something,” he murmured with a tiny half-smile of his own. Carson gingerly pulled his fingers out and away from Rylee. He instinctively brought them to his mouth to suck her juices off of them as he rolled onto this other side and reached down to the side of the bed. There was an old t-shirt down there he used to wipe off sometimes after masturbating, it would do for now. “Only used once since I washed it last,” he explained as he started wiping up the cum he’d left on the bed.
Right now, Rylee couldn't imagine regretting what had just happened. She hadn't regretted it the first time, not really. She had just been overcome with doubt and worry that it had changed everything between them, and not for the better. But this was nice and comfortable, and Rylee was more than happy to stay in bed with Carson, blanketed by the dark. No one else mattered but the two of them. Rylee stretched as Carson pulled away, her lips twitching when he sucked his fingers. Fuck, he was sexy. Cum t-shirt notwithstanding. It caused Rylee to laugh and she pushed up on her elbow to watch him clean up with the shirt. "Really? And when did you wash it last?" she asked teasingly, arching a brow.
“I dunno, the last time I did laundry,” Carson countered with a half-grin. He wiped his cock off, then folded the shirt a bit to offer Rylee a clean portion of it. “It was like four, five days ago?” And he’d only jerked off once in that whole time, which was really out of character for him, especially considering how often he’d been home alone. Carson just hadn’t felt the urge. Not until Rylee put her hands on him, that was. “It’s pretty clean, I promise.” He snickered a little, feeling too good and chill to care if she thought he was gross or not. Every dude had a cum rag close at hand.
"I believe you," she said with a soft laugh. Rylee took the shirt from Carson and cleaned up her hand. She could take a shower in the morning for everything else. She didn't think it was gross. Rylee had been with enough men to know Carson wasn't the only guy with a t-shirt near his bed. Some of the guys she had slept with just grabbed the shirt they'd been wearing before they'd gotten naked. It was handy and quick. Rylee handed the shirt back when she was finished and flopped down on the pillow again with a contented sigh. Now she felt like she could sleep like the dead for the next ten hours. It sucked that she had to open the diner again in the morning. Rylee reached out for Carson, wanting him to lay back down so she could curl up against him again.
Carson crumpled up the shirt and tossed it across the room toward his laundry basket. He would wash it again, since that had been a pretty big load. He just hadn’t been horny lately, so there’d been a lot of buildup, and it had just been too fucking sexy. He tugged his boxers back up into place and shifted back into Rylee’s arms, getting comfortable and holding onto her as much as he could. All he wanted now was for them to drift off together. They could deal with reality in the morning, or some other time. Carson let them settle and just breathe for a moment before he whispered, “I love you.”
Rylee closed her eyes as soon as Carson laid back down beside her, and it only took a little bit of shuffling to get comfortable. "I love you too," Rylee murmured. All she could do now was just hope that the morning wouldn't ruin this. She didn't think she could emotionally handle another week like the one they had just been through. Rylee couldn't predict the future, but this felt right, and laying in Carson's arms now, she was determined not to lose it. Fuck everyone and everything else. She would make this work, no matter what the cost.