Daniella Romero (browneyedwolf) wrote in shadowlands_ic, @ 2018-04-10 21:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | bertie eden, maggie swinton |
Who: Maggie Swinton and Bertie Eden
What: A frank discussion about wolves
Where: Black Park, the library
When: March 31st 1889
Ratings/warnings: Mentions of death and trauma.
Bertie hadn’t had plans for Easter beyond attending church and visiting his family, but when the weekend came, he found himself longing to spend it with those he hoped to call family as well. He took a train to the country early Saturday morning, hiring a hansom cab to bring him the rest of the way to Black Park.
In his coat pocket was a note from Lady Black, asking him to see her when next he visited. The thought of it had Bertie in a state of nerves, not knowing the reason why but able to imagine various scenarios, each worst than the last. She had been told something about him by Mrs Linden. She had heard of his assignations with other men. She had made arrangements for him to court someone of her choosing. She had decided not to allow him membership in the pack.
That last was always the worst by far, and Bertie tried not to think on it lest his stomach churn and render him unable to eat. Surely she wouldn’t...surely this wouldn’t be the end of his journey with the Black Park pack.
He had sent a telegram the prior evening, but his impromptu departure had given Lady Black no chance to reply before Bertie was on the train. He hoped she would not object--hoped, too, that she would even be in residence, and not visiting friends.
It would not do to hope that she was not in residence, so that he could delay the possible terrible news for longer. If he didn’t hear it from her, he would only wonder.
He was greeted with some warmth at the door by the footman and butler who turned out to take his luggage - a single valise, nothing more - and show him in.
“Would you please let Mr Hill know that I have arrived?” Bertie asked respectfully, not wanting to accidentally go around pack protocol, which he was still working out. He hesitated only a moment before adding, “And...and Lady Black, if she is in. Please tell her I would be honoured to speak with her, at her convenience.”
Maggie hadn’t been doing much that morning, being lazy and reading on a sofa in the library. She honestly didn’t feel up to much more than that, the baby was stealing all her energy lately it seemed. Hopefully it would let up soon now that she was nearly three months gone, the mothers in the pack she’d discussed it with all assured her that would likely be the case. With Lucien out spending time with Matthew and all the plans for Easter already made there was little she had to do that day anyway.
When (Butler name) informed her Bertie had arrived and wished to speak with her, if convenient, she instructed he be brought to the library. Sitting up, she put the book aside and waited for the Inspector to arrive.
Bertie tried to hide his trepidation as he was shown inside the library. Taking a single step inside the door, he bowed deeply to Lady Black. They hadn't spoken much, but he tried to show her deference and respect when they did cross paths, even if it was a different - more confusing - kind than the simple submission of showing his throat to Lord Black or Matthew. She was a woman, an American, an Alpha's mate, and the mistress of Black Park. She could very well hold his fate in her fingers, and Bertie had never been good with women.
That was an understatement.
"Lady Black," Bertie murmured as he straightened, swallowing down his nerves as best he could. "I hope I find you in good health, and that my presence here won't be an inconvenience. I'm sorry for not giving more warning."
“I’m fine, thank you.” Maggie smiled, hoping to put him at ease and calm his rather obvious case of nerves. “Your telegram last night was plenty of warning, don’t be silly. Please come in and sit down,” she gestured toward the other end of the sofa. “Lord Black and I discussed your situation the other day and I wanted to speak with you about it before any decisions were made that couldn’t be undone. You’re not in any trouble from me.”
It wasn’t a lie, exactly, but it wasn’t the whole truth. If Bertie wanted to be a true member of the pack, to be turned to a wolf, she wanted to be quite certain he understood what he was getting himself into and what he was giving up to achieve it. Unlike her, he had a choice in what happened to him and she was determined it be an informed one.
The revelation that this was about Bertie joining the pack didn't soothe his nerves at all, but he forced himself to breathe in after standing frozen for too long, and crept over to sit near her on one of the armchairs.
Perhaps he was misunderstanding. Bertie thought he knew what Lady Black meant, but if he were being fair, he had to admit there were a few options for what she might be referring to. "My situation, Lady Black?" he asked cautiously, his hands fidgeting uselessly in his lap at the creases in his trousers.
Maggie frowned in dismay at his reaction. She could see she’d only made him more nervous, but couldn’t think of a good way to set him at ease. The poor man was going to turn himself into a wreck if he kept it up.
“Your situation.” She confirmed. “You’re wanting to become a full member of the pack, a wolf. I asked questions Lord Black couldn’t answer, and I thought it best to speak with you directly.” This was going all wrong but how to fix it? She paused and thought about how to redirect.
“Unlike everyone else in the pack I was not born a wolf.” Maggie said after a moment’s silence that she was sure only made poor Bertie even more nervous still. “Up until I was turned I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Lord Black was merely a dear friend of my first husband and myself, I had no idea what he truly was. When I was attacked and turned, my life was changed drastically and forever in ways I couldn’t have begun to imagine before. Some of them have been wonderful, like finding love with Lord Black, and some have been more difficult.”
“I want to make sure you understand what you’re getting yourself into, and what you’d be giving up, before you make a choice that can’t be altered.”
Bertie looked down at his hands, hesitating. "Lady Black," he said after a moment, "I have been given reason to believe that my alternative to asking Lord Black to transform me, which he has been kind enough to suggest he would, is to end up dead, mad, or imprisoned by those who wish me ill. I spoke to him - Lord Black - about remaining as I am, which he did not refuse, but...my situation has changed, since then."
Bertie swallowed, looking up at Lady Black. "I'm not certain choice will enter into it, at least not so much as I would like."
Maggie frowned at his explanation, his words certainly weren't what she wanted to hear. But she'd never shrank away from the truth no matter how unpleasant.
“Is this about the business with Mrs. Linden?” Her friend’s animosity toward him was well known to her and distressing. She’d forgiven but not forgotten the scene Biddie had caused during the electricity demonstration, and the explanation given had not settled her mind on the matter.
Bertie nodded once, slow and cautious, before amending, "In part, Lady Black. I believe Mrs Linden only...awakened...what was already a part of me, and that I would have been in danger regardless. I was only ignorant of that until recently."
Bertie bit his lips, feeling badly for interrupting what had been a generous gesture for Lady Black to make. "If you should like to tell me how it was, for you, perhaps--as you say--I can make a more informed decision about my future."
“Very well.” Maggie smoothed her skirts made herself look directly at him. “Keep in mind that my experience was more traumatic than yours would be, if the decision is made then you’ll have the full support of the pack behind you to help you survive the turning. It isn’t so much being turned that I’m concerned with as the adjustment and new reality afterwards.”
“You already know that silver will become deadly for you, and the change on the full moons, but you have other things that you need to adjust to as well. Your senses become much sharper and sensitive, and you have to learn to use them all over again. But the biggest change you need to understand is that you’re giving up your humanity. You’ll live for centuries Bertie,” she used his Christian name deliberately. “Your family and friends will grow old and die while you barely age a day, and you won’t be able to tell them why, so you’ll eventually have to break off contact. You could be married and have a family with someone but if they aren’t your mate you could end up being miserable if you find her later.”
Bertie hadn't thought of it so matter-of-factly, with so many drawbacks to becoming something new. He'd romanticized it, dreamed of belonging to something greater, seen the strength and speed and wisdom and ignored the rest. He couldn't help but think of the other side of that bargain, however--that while he might lose some friends, and his family, he might gain the longer-lasting friendship of others.
"You have given me a great deal to think about," Bertie acknowledged, subdued. He cast after words to express himself, and finally ventured, "I can't help but think, however, of those friends I have who would mourn my life as an eyeblink in the scope of theirs--who might hold themselves back in their care for me, knowing how quickly I will be gone and how much it will hurt them."
Bertie swallowed. "I mean no disrespect, Lady Black, but my dearest friend has been dead as long as I've been alive, and while he may fade, I believe he will outlast me. Other friends I care for will go on for centuries, and those I feel more for..." Bertie couldn't speak of lovers in the presence of a lady, so he simply shook his head. "It is hard for someone to care for me, when they know how soon I will leave them. Even at work, I am one of the few who will not advance far, because I won't have decades or centuries to spend in service of the crown. I..."
Bertie fell silent again, fidgeting very slightly before stilling with some effort. "It is easier, perhaps, to be the one who leaves first, and not have to watch those around me grow old and be cut out of my life. But it is still hard to count among my friends so many who I know must do the same for me, if I remain human."
Bertie's lips parted, sealed, and then parted again. "And then there is the pack." The family he'd wanted, the only home he'd yearned for, since that first day among them. They were, if not everything to him, then very nearly so. He had to put them ahead of other considerations.
Maggie’s brow furrowed slightly as she listened, heart sinking. He was set on the being a wolf it seemed. “I’m not going to talk you out of it. I wanted to make sure you understood what you might be getting into and the consequences that could come from it. If this is truly what you want I’m not going to stand in the way and I’ll make sure Lord Black knows you’re fully aware of both the benefits and drawbacks for people like ourselves.”
The disappointment in Lady Black's voice and expression was unexpected, and Bertie felt dismay creep through him. She didn't want him in the pack. She would allow it, wouldn't make herself a barrier to his entry, but she wouldn't welcome him there happily. The alpha's mate. Bertie's chances of being accepted into Black Park seemed to take an abrupt drop.
"I haven't decided yet, Lady Black," Bertie replied humbly, trying not to sound ungrateful for her good intentions and concern for him. "Transforming might mean losing a part of myself that benefits the pack, and Lord Black has been generous in allowing me to explore that talent before making a choice."
Not transforming, of course, could mean madness and damnation, but Bertie would set aside the worst case scenarios for now. He had enough to think on.
Carefully, and not entirely certain he wished to hear the answer, Bertie asked, "What would you counsel me to do?"
“Follow your heart.” Was her immediate reply. She reached over and took his hands in hers, looking him straight in the eye. “Bertie, if you make up your mind and you're sure this is both the right choice and one that you truly want, then no one will be a stronger advocate for you than I.”
She let go and leaned back, but kept her gaze on his. “I didn't have a choice in what happened to me, but I wanted to make quite sure that you did and that it was an informed one. If on the other hand you decide that becoming a wolf isn't the correct path for you, you'll still have a place in the pack and we'll do whatever we can to help you with your ability. You've been a good friend to us and I intend to be one to you.”
Bertie bowed his head, acknowledging the great compliment, some of the tension bleeding from his shoulders at her support. "Thank you, Lady Black." He licked his lips and took a breath as he looked up at her. "I promise, I won't make this decision lightly. I'll remember everything you've said. And...I’m sorry,” he said more quietly, keeping his eyes respectfully downcast. “That it was that way for you. That wasn’t fair, for you to be denied a choice.”
“That’s all right, it wasn’t your fault and I’ve made my peace with it.” Maggie assured him, a small smile on her face now that she was sure she’d gotten through. “I’m just glad you’re not rushing into anything. If there’s some other way I can be of help please be sure to let me know will you? I meant what I said about being a friend.”
For a moment, Bertie was tempted to ask about Mrs Linden, but as his lips parted and he drew in a breath, he realized that he didn’t know what to ask. He swallowed instead, and nodded. “Thank you,” he promised. “I will.”