|Kay_ aka_Ari (kayakaari) wrote in severus_sighs,|
@ 2010-02-01 18:59:00
|Entry tags:||fic, member: ari, rating: r|
Title: Love Everlasting
Pairing: Severus/ Remus
Word Count: 4696
Warnings: None for now but death later (not main pairing).
Summary: After Remus convinces Lily to set him up with Severus, they begin a secret affair; but secrets breed lies and lies breed distrust. Fatal mistakes, other lovers, 2 wars and decades later, will their love be everlasting? Part 1: 1975-'81; Part 2: '93-'09
A/N: The first four chapters are the longest, and, to use use's mrscakeakajane's euphemism, most 'involved'. If you find it heavy reading, chapters become more focused and less 'involved' later ;)
“Severus, Adelaide, Remus and Isadora, a moment of your time, if you please,” Headmaster Dumbledore requested as they finished their breakfasts.
In a highly unusual though not unprecedented move, the headmaster had requested student volunteers from the fifth and sixth years to remain at the school for the first few weeks of the summer term to assist with various activities. For the first week, the sixth years had assisted the professors while the fifth years had been allowed to rest. Now they had been assigned tasks.
Severus marched to Filch’s office, his cloak billowing slightly in a weak echo of the image he would create in future years. He was furious. Not only had Lupin also volunteered to stay but he had spent that first week harassing Severus, begging him to listen to his pathetic pleas. Severus didn’t want to hear them. His last days of term had been a living nightmare. He could only hope that he had managed to pass the remainder of his exams in spite of the humiliation that Potter and Black had meted out to him for crimes unknown.
There was no love lost between them but this last unprovoked attack was more than he could bear. He had been minding his own business, sulking over his disagreements with Lily and Remus. He had been so caught up between studying and sulking lately that he hadn’t even been paying any attention to those fools. Yet they had attacked and Lupin, his lover, his supposed boyfriend, had just sat there, ignoring it all, acting like it meant nothing to him. Perhaps it didn’t. Perhaps they’d never meant anything to him. He stood outside Filch’s door and squeezed his eyes in an effort to regain his self-control. He refused to think about how he’d panicked and taken his hurt and humiliation out on Lily. His dear, darling sweet Lily. He hadn’t meant it. He loved her. She meant the world to him. She was his best friend in the world. She was quite possibly the only true friend he’d ever had. She’d cared when no one else had, she’d listened when no one else would. She enjoyed Potions as much as he had and when everyone else had been star struck by the jocks like Potter and Black, she had been one of the few to appreciate and share in his love for Potions and academia.
“Lily,” he said in a whispered sob, “Oh Lily, will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?”
“She will. I know because she told me.” Severus’ body went rigid as he was embraced from behind. He tensed, afraid and enraged that he had been caught off-guard in such a moment of weakness. The voice confirmed what his nose had already suspected, Lupin.
“Let. Go. Of. Me.” Severus enunciated.
“Severus, please don’t do this. I’m sorry. I am so sorry, my love. Please, you must believe me.”
“Let me go,” he repeated a little less firmly. His will was weakening. He briefly wondered if a spell had been cast on him.
Remus resisted the urge to smile with relief. He could feel Severus giving in. He maintained his hold on his lover’s trembling form. “She was so angry with me for not defending you, you know. She almost didn’t forgive me. I think the only reason she did was because she realized that I was genuinely contrite and she encouraged me to apologize to you. She warned me you would be stubborn about it but she also encouraged me to be stubbornly persistent. Now tell me, does that sound like someone who wouldn’t forgive you? She’s just hurt. She’ll forgive you soon enough.”
“Do you really think that?” Severus hated the naked desperation he could hear in his voice.
“I don’t think it, I know. Just give her time. You hurt her terribly. It was a terrible thing to say.”
“I know. Oh Merlin, I know!” He turned in Lupin’s arms, facing him, their faces so close he could feel the other’s breath on his lips. As always, the lips seemed to hypnotize him and he leaned forward to kiss those soft, sweet lips.
“What is going on here?” Professor McGonagall’s scolding voice rang through the halls. Filch immediately opened his door, the possibility of punishment summoning him faster than magic. Remus let Severus go and they jumped apart. “There will be no fighting during these vacation days, do I make myself clear?”
“Yes ma’am,” they chorused.
“Mmm,” Filch growled disappointedly. “I suppose you’re the ones that the headmaster has sent to help me with the detention cards, hmm?”
“What, both of you? Together?” Professor McGonagall barely hid her displeasure at the news. Severus bit his tongue to keep from retorting, ‘no both of us, apart’.
“Yes, Professor, Mr. Filch,” Remus replied, the twinkle in his eyes as he quickly glanced at Severus suggesting that he knew what the other was thinking.
“What ever is the headmaster thinking putting you two together? This is madness,” she strode off in the same direction from which she had come and Severus wondered amusedly if she’d forgotten her errand.
“Well come on then,” Filch sneered, “Plenty of work to do.”
Severus gasped as he pulled away from Remus. They were lovers again, almost as if they had never been apart. Once again the peace was kept by an unspoken moratorium on the names James Potter, Sirius Black and now Lily Evans. Sometimes Severus wondered how healthy a relationship with only partial communication could be but then Remus would kiss him and all thoughts had flutter from his head.
He sat up and drank an entire goblet of chilled pumpkin juice before returning to his lover’s side. He’d managed to swallow everything this time. He still hated the taste of cum but he’d decided that this time around, he’d give almost as often as he received.
Lying on the transfigured blanket on their rock in their part of the woods, he ran his fingers over the scarred flesh of his lover while the same was done to him.
“This one looks like it was very painful. Where did you get it?” Remus asked, fingering a long scar that ran from Severus’ left shoulder, down his left arm to just above his elbow.
“My dad,” Severus whispered. “He didn’t mean it for me, that time. I got between him and Mum. What about yours? Is it because of your Dad or your Mum?”
Remus kissed another scar, this one on Severus’ chest. He was stalling for time and hiding his face. Severus’ parents had done this to him? It hurt to hear Severus automatically assuming that his scars came from his parents. He kissed another scar. He knew he was stalling but he wasn’t sure he was ready to face Severus as yet. He knew he certainly wasn’t ready to reveal that he was his werewolf but he also wasn’t sure what he could say to explain away his scars. How could he explain to Severus that they were self inflected? That he’d scarred himself during changes when he was scared and confused. He didn’t want to lie to Severus though.
“No, not my parents,” he whispered, avoiding Severus’ eyes. “Some were by an animal and others I did to myself.” He tensed not knowing how Severus would react to the explanation.
“You did this to yourself?” Severus seemed worried and concerned and Remus felt guilty. “Is it because of your parents? I know sometimes I just wanted to run away. It’s how I met Lily. Once we became friends I could runaway to her, you know? Didn’t you have someone you could escape to?”
“No,” Remus answered truthfully, “no, I never had anyone else who could understand.”
Severus nodded in understanding. His heart wrenched just a little bit as he felt gratitude for Lily in his life. He felt disgust with himself all over again for having hurt her so badly. He hugged Remus tightly. “At least you’ve stopped now, I hope. None of these scars look recent,” he said while nibbling along the scar that had apparently almost severed Remus’ ear. He sucked the lobe into his mouth and chuckled as Remus moaned in delight.
“Yes, I’ve stopped,” Remus agreed. “I don’t feel so alone anymore.”
“What about next week?” Severus asked, worry returning to his voice. “What about when you go back home to them? You won’t hurt yourself again, will you? I could teach you stuff. Things you could use to protect yourself. Potions you could make without magic, for instance.”
Remus hummed noncommittally. In the back of his mind a voice was shouting to him that he should object to Severus’ suggestions but his hormones were in charge at the moment and he was in too much bliss to care about his nagging conscience.
Remus rolled on to Severus’ naked body. Both boys shuddered as their naked erections touched for the first time. Experimentally, Severus arched his body to recreate the feeling. Once again they shuddered and gasped. Looking into those obsidian depths, Remus smiled and licked his lips. He chuckled as Severus’ gaze followed his tongue. He pressed down on to his dark haired lover, rubbing their erections and kissing with equal intensity. Separating only for air, he bent to nibble on the long pale neck. Severus moaned when Remus bit his clavicle, the pain immediately dulled by the gentle licking and caressing of the skillful tongue. He grabbed Remus’ hips and pulled him closer to increase the friction.
Feeling his balls tightening, Remus recaptured Severus’ lips in a passionate, almost desperate embrace. He wanted to come kissing but the feelings were too intense and he pulled up for air. He captured Severus hands in his; their fingers entwined, and pressed them at their sides.
“Severus!” “Remus!” they cried with a shout as fluid warmth spread between their connected torsos.
Shuddering still, Remus rolled to his lover’s side, pulling him into a shaky embrace. Severus was the first to recover, using his wand to clean them both, he also transfigured one of their towels into a blanket to cover them.
He smiled as he realized that Remus had fallen asleep. Looking tenderly at the scarred face, he gently brushed back a few errant locks of damp hair. “Remus,” he sighed in contentment before he too fell asleep.
Two hours later they had awoken and were swimming in the waters near the rock. It wasn’t safe to go out farther but it was only six feet deep at this part of the shore line.
“This is great,” Severus enthused. “It’s everything I had hoped last full moon would be.” Remus flinched at the reminder. “No! I don’t mean- listen, let’s not think about that, OK. I didn’t mean to ruin the mood. Still, it’s a shame that we’ll be separated from the next full moon. I would have loved to make sweet love to you under the light of the moon.”
Remus smiled and responded with a kiss. “Severus,” he began, somewhat uncertainly, “will you write during the holidays?” He hoped the other wouldn’t notice how he’d changed the topic.
“I would but I don’t have an owl,” mumbled somewhat evasively.
“Why? Are you not allowed?”
“My father is a Muggle,” he said the word with a certain bitter scorn that made Remus uncomfortable but he didn’t want to fight with Severus so he masked his feelings. “He hates magic and he would never allow such a reminder of my freakishness at home,” he shrugged, “and anyway, we probably couldn’t afford one.”
“Oh, well I can use my mother’s owl and you could send the reply back with it. If you’d like.”
“I would,” Severus smiled. He was thrilled that Remus wanted to remain in touch with him during the holidays. He couldn’t wait to tell Lily. He quickly swallowed the resulting pang of sadness. “We should use code names so that people don’t find out though.”
Remus struggled to smile. He never really understood why Severus insisted that they keep their relationship secret. True, he had agreed because he wasn’t sure that Jamie and Siri’s tolerance could extend that far but he still felt uncomfortable at the possibility that Severus was ashamed of him. If he was ashamed of dating a Gryffindor, would he ever accept a werewolf lover? Scolding himself for speculating about Severus’ motives and a little ashamed that, once again, his Gryffindor courage had failed him when it came to confronting a loved one, he asked, “What sort of code name?”
Severus shrugged. He considered telling Remus about the Half-Blood Prince, a secret identity he had created in the lonely moments of his unhappy childhood. He hadn’t told anyone other than Lily about the name. She’d laughed at him and he’d never mentioned it again. He held his tongue. He did not think that Remus would laugh but his boyfriend had shown that he was weak to the manipulations of Potter and Black and if Lily had laughed… he shuddered to think of what those two would do if they ever found out. Swallowing he said, “Have you ever heard of the Muggle novel ‘The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’?” At Remus’ blank look he continued. “It’s a story about the duality of human nature. In it the narrator investigates the connection between his kindly friend, Dr. Jekyll and the anti-social Mr. Hyde. It later turns out that they are different personalities of the same person. I think it’s supposed to mean that Mr. Hyde is the hidden evil side of Dr. Jekyll and is supposed to show that we all have hidden sides and no one is completely evil or completely good.
It’s a bit deep, I guess, but I think it would be a good nickname for us. You will be Jekyll and I will be Hyde. If you like,” he added, bashful and a little embarrassed.
He’d gotten a bit verbose while describing the novel, one of his favourites. He had connected to the character- the inventions and potions- and had even adopted some the duplicitous characteristics. At home, whenever his father and mother fought, he often wished that his Mr. Hyde would come out and defend him and then he could return to being the innocent Dr. Jekyll. Some days he wondered if he could create a potion or a spell that could do just that; poly-juice just changed how you looked.
He had been fascinated the first time that he witnessed Mulciber use the Imperious Curse. Meredith Smythe’s previously gentle rabbit familiar had acted like a rabid dog and ripped apart some Hufflepuff’s pet kitten. Used to working with disgusting potion ingredients, the sight of the animal being dissected hadn’t bothered him although he the piteous sounds from the kitten had stopped him trying it himself. The power that Mulciber had over the rabbit had thrilled him however. His dreams in the following weeks had been mostly pleasant scenarios where he’d Imperious’d his father. He only regretted those dreams in which the kitten’s cries appeared and morphed into his mother’s or Lily’s.
He was so caught up in his thoughts that it did not immediately register with him that Remus had not responded. “You don’t like my idea,” he stated flatly and a little angrily.
“No, it’s not that. It’s very clever,” Remus hesitated, a concerned look on his face. “Do you really think of yourself as Mr. Hyde though?”
“Don’t you?” Severus retorted testily. “Everyone else does. In fact there are some who think me worse, that I don’t have a Dr. Jekyll side.” The ‘like Potter and Black’ remained unsaid but clearly communicated.
“Well I don’t but then I suppose that’s because I know your Dr. Jekyll side… and I really like him,” Remus blushed, “a lot.”
“So then it’s agreed?” he was pleased.
Remus nodded and sealed the deal with a kiss.
Severus was sad to say goodbye to Remus as they disembarked from the train in London. Their goodbye was made premature by the sight of Sirius Black and James Potter standing on the platform with the Lupins. He had almost left without saying goodbye, jealous and upset because Remus had not told him that they would be there. He had been marginally comforted by Remus’ quiet grumble of displeasure at the sight. His mood had improved greatly when Remus had then yanked the blinds down and kissed him thoroughly, exacting promises that he would respond to the owls and declaring how much he would miss their kisses. His joy was made almost complete when only Black’s bellow aboard the train had caused Remus to finally pull away apologetically. He had slipped out behind his lover, a little disappointed that Black hadn’t noticed that they had left the same car but was cheered up when Potter, coming up behind his partner in crime, had spotted them, frowning at Lupin’s bruised lips and flushed face. He couldn’t resist a chuckle when he overheard them questioning Remus about what had happened to his neck. He’d deliberately marked the other boy’s neck above the collar earlier that day. Only the appearance of his mother’s sullen face had kept him from laughing as Remus’ glared at him.
As soon as he could escape he made his way to the Evans family home, determined to apologize to Lily. So of course, Petunia would be the one to open the door.
“You. What are you doing here, you horrible boy! Go away before the neighbours see you,” she spat.
“Call Lily,” he demanded tersely.
“I want to come in and speak to Lily,” he repeated through clenched teeth.
“You can’t come in here with your dirty old clothes. Don’t you ever wash? I’m sure that shirt’s supposed to be white,” she sniffed.
“You stupid, pathetic, useless Muggle,” he sneered, pointing his wand, his temper getting the better of him. “Do you know what I could do to you? Have you ever heard of the Imperious Curse? I could command you to do anything I wanted,” he hissed, narrowing his eyes in malicious glee as Petunia paled, pursing her lips and flaring her nostrils and breathing through her nose is scared puffs, complementing her equine appearance nicely. “Even make you lick the dirt off the sole of my shoes and then beg me for more. Or what about the Cruciatus? No? It’s a curse that would make your every nerve ending hurt so that you would wish that you were never born!”
“Unforgivables?” Severus’ blood ran cold as the outraged cry left Lily’s lips. He hadn’t noticed her descending the stairs.
“Lily, please,” he began.
“How dare you come to my home and threaten my sister with dark curses!”
“Lily, I would never- I didn’t mean-”
“You never mean the cruel things you say and yet you go around saying them anyway. And do you know why, Severus? It’s the company that you keep. You’re becoming just like them!”
“Lily,” he begged, stepping through the door, an ashen Petunia jumping out of his way.
“No! Go away Severus. Just go,” Lily’s voice broke as she ran up the stairs in tears.
Petunia, cautiously staying out of the firing direction of his wand, giggled with renewed glee. He turned to her with an angry growl. With a squeak, she hopped behind the door, kicking it shut in his face, his reflexes being the only reason his nose hadn’t gotten caught.
Severus walked around the house to where he knew Lily’s window was. She stood there looking at him, tears running down her face. She shook her head sadly as he mouthed his apologies and pulled the drapes.
Despondent, he dragged his feet to the park where they had first met, kicking a stone along in front of him, not bothering to seek shelter when the cold rain began. He sat on Lily’s favourite swing, a sad and lonely figure in the rain, and cried.
After the failed attempt to apologize to Lily, he never returned to her house. He’d told Remus about it in their regular correspondence, demanding that the other keep it secret. Remus had promised to keep it confidential but also recommended that he give Lily time to cool down.
For the first time in a long time, he saw his mother smiling from time to time. She never asked him about the frequent owl visits but she seemed happy he had a friend. He’d told her about Lily but she’d never really seemed interested. She was an enigma, his mother. She’d married a Muggle and made him a half blood yet she seemed dismissive of the Muggle born Lily. Shaking the thoughts from his head as he ate his tasteless porridge, he was cautiously thrilled to see an owl nearing. Jumping to open the window he was rendered motionless by the sight of his father clubbing the owl with a mop.
“Bloody menace!” Tobias Snape growled.
Severus couldn’t tell you how he’d done it. He certainly didn’t remember doing it but his mother’s screams and his father’s bloody shirt and frightened bulging eyes were proof that it had worked. Sectumsempra was a curse he had been working on but without someone to try it on, he hadn’t been certain it would work. Yet there his father was, three bloody stripes appearing on his chest. He looked at his hand in horror. He couldn’t remember taking his mother’s wand from the kitchen drawer where she hid it. He looked at his mother, terrified.
“I,” was all he could say.
Eileen Prince Snape looked at her son. She had never heard that curse before and was quite certain that it wasn’t on the Hogwarts curriculum. She didn’t say anything though, simply prying her wand from the frozen fingers. Lifting the injured owl, she removed the scroll from its leg. She healed the owl and offered it a small piece of fatty beef.
“What are you doing, woman! Do you know how hard I worked to buy that meat?” Tobias shouted.
Ignoring him, she handed the owl and note to Severus who accepted them, stepping backwards out of the room. She turned to her husband, her wand pointed in his direction.
“Put that away, now!” the strength of the command was weakened by the tremor in his voice.
Severus stood in the doorway, half afraid that she would kill his father, half hoping that she would. He had never understood why she wouldn’t use her magic to defend herself and, it seemed, he never would. She simply healed the cuts on her husbands’ chest which, in spite of all the blood, had merely been superficial scratches.
Sitting on Lily’s swing, as he had done almost every day since he had returned to Spinner’s End, Severus sketched in the old text book he had been given by Professor Slughorn. The book, already old, was to be his text book in the upcoming year. His parents could not afford to buy many of his books so his professors often allowed him to use books which had been left in the castle by students of past years.
He loved potions; it was one of his favourite subjects and he found himself doing some advance reading and wishing he had a lab in which he could try some of these recipes. Potions got more exciting as they become more advanced. A potion which could mimic death, luck you could drink? It was all simply amazing.
Distracted, he etched in the borrowed book, ‘Property of the Half-Blood Prince’. With a sigh, he flipped to the page he’d bookmarked and began reading. It did not last long, however, as he was still distracted by memories of the previous night. Ever since the Owl Incident as he had dubbed it, his father had been wary of him. Unfortunately it seemed to only make him more violent towards his wife who he was outraged to discover insisted on keeping her wand. Furious that she wouldn’t hand it over, they had fought the night before, their voices waking him. He walked down the stairs to witness a distraught Eileen searching for the wand to hand it over and a furious Tobias punctuating his shouts with the occasional clout to his wife’s back.
Outraged, Severus revealed that he had the wand. He hadn’t told his father though he knew his mother would know that he had been using it to avoid any detection from the Ministry for the use of underage magic. He used the Levicorpus spell on his father until the terrified man had passed out from the rush of blood to his head.
Sighing, he looked at the book and realized that he had written the name of the spell in its margins as he was wont to do. It was as if by writing it he could gain the satisfaction of doing it without dealing with the consequences.
He jumped as an apple core hit him on the head. Looking up with a start, he was upset to realize that he hadn’t heard the village bullies approach.
“Why don’t you eat that, Snape, you look hungry,” the rugby playing jock he knew only as Paul guffawed, his three cronies joining him in the laughter. “Be charitable, boys, that’s what I always say.” He snatched a greasy paper package from one of the other boys and rubbed it in Severus’ face. “Mmm, do you smell that, Snape? That’s the smell of fish and chips. You can eat the paper if you’d like a little taste. I’m sure it certainly tastes better than anything you’ve had to eat all week.”
Severus ground his teeth. He was hungry and indeed the scent of the meal was better than the gruel he’d had all week. He always missed Hogwarts during the summers. Everything was better there. That Paul had merely spoken the truth didn’t make him any less furious.
He gasped as Paul smacked him in the back of the head. “Eww, it’s every bit as greasy as it looks!” Paul complained, chasing his laughing mates with the outstretched hand.
The movement had caused the wand to poke Severus’ side. “Levicorpus!” he yelled, laughing as Paul swung up in the air, the pale pink and yellow floral vest he wore under his threadbare jumper becoming visible. Severus laughed at the horrified screams and yells. Power was wonderful; vengeance divine!
“I bet he’s there on your swing as always, the freak! I don’t understand why you want to be friends with him again. Do you see him? Lily? Answer me!” Petunia puffed.
Severus turned quickly, dropping Paul. His eyes widened in horror. Lily was standing behind the swing, looking at him, a mixture of emotions flittering across her face, none of them good.
“Lily,” Severus whispered. Lily turned to Petunia and pulled her away. “Lily wait! It’s not like it looks. Lily, come on, it’s just Paul! You know what a bully he is!”
Lily turned and silenced him with a look that clearly said, ‘just like you’ and walked away.
The rest of the summer went by slowly for Severus. He spent the first week after the Levi-Paul Fiasco worried that Lily was so angry that she would report him to the authorities for his violation of the secrecy act. She hadn’t, as Remus had assured him she wouldn’t and, he supposed, he had known that too.
His correspondence with Remus continued except for an unplanned break caused when Black had gone to visit Remus. On his first day, he had read the note that Jekyll was writing to Hyde. Curious about Remus’ secret friend, he had introduced himself in the letter and sealed it so that upon Remus’ return, he had sent he note off with the owl in its altered state. Severus had returned the note with his terse response written below Black’s addition, ‘Explain’.
Remus had apologized profusely in a reply owl but had not written again for four days.
For Severus, September 1st could not come fast enough and yet it came too soon.