Entry tags:

event: anti-valentine's day 2013, ficlet, member: annescriblerian, pairing: severus/harry, rating: pg

It's Not What You Think by annescriblerian
Title: It's Not What You Think
Author: annescriblerian
Pairing: Severus/Harry, Ron/others
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~850
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters and their worlds belong to their original writers and no copyright infringement or offense is intended. No money was made from this story.
Summary: Ron has lost a bet and must proposition all of his Hogwarts' professors. He saves Severus for last.
A/N: My husband did SPaG on this, and I'm afraid he may never recover. Now I know he really, truly loves me. And now I'll have to get him a pretty good Valentine's Day gift. Severus is offstage in this crack!fic, but I know how we all like to use our imaginations!

It’s Not What You Think

"Flitwick wasn't so bad, really."

Harry couldn't stop himself from flinching. Hermione, surprisingly, was hanging on Ron's every word.

"I mean, his hands are so small and everything, well, I felt a bit like a giant, if you know what I mean."

Harry threw up a little bit in his mouth. But a bet was a bet, and the twins had put him in charge of verifying Ron's compliance with his penalty for losing. Harry gulped and laughed at the same time at his own use of the words "verifying" and "compliance." His inner voice was sounding more and more like Severus.

Unfortunately, the resulting noise made him seem anything but educated. Judging from Hermione's look of disgust, Harry was pretty sure he had dropped off the human scale of behavior altogether.

And speaking of non-humans . . .

"And Hagrid, Ron? Did anything happen there?" asked Hermione.

Ron scoffed.

"As if Hagrid would do anything like that!"

Hermione spoke in a calculating tone, "Well, there is Madame Maxime."

Ron cut her off at that.

"Yeah, well, he said we were like his own children. He'd said he'd as soon finger Fang as he would me."

Harry gagged again as he unwillingly imagined Hagrid pulling off the giant, slobbering dog while explaining proper dog wanking technique in a Care of Magical Creatures class. He emitted more choking noises.

Ron took exception. He glared at Harry, and his voice got quite a bit louder.

"So sorry I'm making you sick, Harry. Maybe next time you won't be so eager to jump on board with the twins! And anyway, I don't know how you can sit there and be disgusted by me when you are letting that slimy bastard bugger you six ways from Sunday!"

Harry saw a familiar, frightening gleam in Hermione's eyes; she was always disturbingly interested in what he and Severus got up to.

"Does he, Harry?" Hermione asked in a breathy tone. "Is that what happens?"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Oi! We were talking about Ron's sexual escapades, not mine. And it looks like half the Common Room is listening, too."

That caused both Ron and Hermione to blush (interesting, that), and Ron continued in a quieter voice.

"McGonagell took points . . ."

"Were you that bad?"

Harry was glad to see Hermione turn that curious stare towards Ron for a change.

"What? No! She took points because she was 'disappointed that I would lower myself to harassing professors.' Then she asked what I would have made the twins do if they had lost the bet."

Harry smirked, another habit he had picked up in the dungeons, and imagined all the pranks McGonagell would have been subjected to when she was the twins' Head of House.

"Now Trewlaney, that was the weird one. She made me strip off and do a dance."

"A dance?"

Hermione and Harry barked this out in perfect sync.

Heads were turning in their direction again, and Ron was making frantic shushing gestures with his hands.

"That's hardly going to draw attention away from you, Ronald."

Ron glared at Hermione.

"As I was saying, Harry, she made me do a dance. A Seven Veils sort of thing, if you can imagine."

Harry would rather not.

"So that's Flitwick, McGonagell, Hagrid, Trewlaney," Ron paused for a quick shudder, "and that's that! You can tell the twins that I propositioned all of my professors on Valentine's Day. And we shall never speak of this again."

Hermione pointed out the obvious flaw in Ron's plan to forget the whole thing.

"What about Snape?"

Ron looked smug and leaned back against the couch, stretching out his arms along the back.

"Snape's off limits, cause of Harry here. You wouldn't want me making the moves on your boyfriend, would you, Harry?"

Harry cleared his throat.

"Um. Well. The twins wouldn't budge on that one. And when I told Severus, he was actually rather keen."

Ron really looked quite horrid when all of the blood dropped out of his face like that.

Hermione was actually rubbing her hands together in glee.

"But. No. He's not . . . Harry! I don't want to be buggered by Snape!"

There was no chance that the entire Common Room hadn't heard that one. Even the firsties way over by window were laughing.

"It's not what you think, Ron."

"Well, sure you'd say that! You love it!"

Harry was beginning to regret his agreement with the twins. This was supposed to be about humiliating Ron, not Harry. But the twins never could resist a two-for-one deal.

"Be that as it may, I can promise you that you will not be harmed during your time with Severus. Much."

As Harry watched Ron's mouth work silently, he thought that it really was worth it, after all. Even better, Hermione was trying to convince Ron to let her accompany him down to the dungeons. Harry hoped Ron would agree.

Severus would be ever so pleased to get "donations" from two virgins. And he was always complaining about how difficult it was to get females to cooperate.

Harry was sure that this was going to be Severus's best Valentine's Day ever.