It's All Part of a Plan by bonfoi Title: It's All Part of a Plan Author/Arist:bonfoi Pairing: Severus Snape/Filius Flitwick; Severus Snape/Rubeus Hagrid; Severus Snape/Peeves the Poltergeist; Severus Snape/Remus Lupin Rating: PG13 Word Count: 1,659 Warnings: None Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters and their worlds belong to their original writers and no copyright infringement or offense is intended. No money was made from this story. Summary: Headmaster Snape is bemused by the strange behaviour of his fellow Hogwarts' residents. A/N: Many thanks to my beta, badgerlady. She always makes me a better storyteller. This was written for prompt number nine: 9. “Why don’t people like me?” with the emphasis on people. Severus is pursued by all manner of magical creature and rarely humans... Firenze, Hagrid, Griphook, Dobby, the Giant Squid, Zombies Inferi, Veelas, Vampires, Werewolves or any assortment of magical beings. Go crazy, homes! Severus can take it! #likeaboss
It’s All Part of a Plan
"Filius, if I ever catch you charming my bedclothes to do such, such," Severus sputtered as he searched his mind for a strong enough word, and then sneered when he found an adequate one, "such denigrating things to my person, I'll feed you to the Giant Squid, joint by infinitesimal joint!" His wand gouged up and into the other professor's gobsmacked—but still lustful—face, leaving a long bruise. Filius just stood there, softly panting as Severus took one decisive step back and slammed his chamber door, a flurry of wand movements and muttered syllables locking and warding it from everything he could think of.
Once all the wand-waving was done, Severus shivered and wrapped one arm around his middle, his other hand still gripping his wand tightly. The third being in as many days, he thought behind haunted eyes. Why don't people want me?
Severus sat at the high table, surveying the students, looking for any damage the Carrows might have inflicted on them over the course of the night. Of course, the Gryffindors were looking a bit ragged around the edges, and the majority of Slytherins were practically bristling with energy, but everything seemed norm—
"Perfessor Snape, I've brung ye a present!"
Severus would have rolled his eyes if it wouldn't have been dangerous. Standing before the high table, in front of Merlin, the Carrows, and the students was Rubeus Hagrid, holding a cage. Everyone backed away from him very carefully when the thing inside the cage hissed and the bars of the cage bent outward. Some kind of liquid dripped onto the flagstone floor.
"I knows ye like yer potions ingredients fresh, and lil Clive, an' well, he's allus droppin' bits and pieces about and I thought ye might fancy him." Hagrid looked so hopeful, so innocently lustful, that Severus felt one microsecond of awe at the attention turned on him. Then the blasted beast showed itself.
The creature was pressed up against the bars, spindly fingers wrapped around them as if strangling them. Wispy, limp strands of hair stuck to its skull, and papery, grey skin was mottled with pustules and flakes. Hagrid thrust the cage forward with a smile. "Meet Clive. He's a barrister-hag hybrid. Ain't he cute?"
Those seated at the high table jumped out of their seats...well, most of them did. The Carrows were tumbling over each other as they scrambled away. Minerva had transformed into her feline form and was hissing back, spine arched into a bow and fur sticking straight out. Madams Pince and Pomfrey were tangled in the tablecloth and pulled half the dishes onto the floor as they fell back and off the platform. Only Professors Vector, Flitwick, and Snape had their wands out. Madam Hooch was looking around in a bit of shock from having her arms filled with a fainted Argus Filch, who shouldn't have been anywhere nearby, but so very inconveniently was!
The barrister-hag hybrid—Severus had a fleeting thought of that mating and cringed—yowled and spit toward the high table. Severus and Madam Hooch—clutching Filch awkwardly to her chest—both cast Protego Charms at the same time, thus blocking the noxious expectorate. Madam Pomfrey got herself untangled and cast Finite Incantatem on Hagrid.
The half-giant blinked and looked around the Great Hall with wide, disbelieving eyes. Then he looked down at the cage he was still holding and growled. "I'll be askin' yer pardons, perfessors, seems I brought a pest in here unknowin'." He looked at Severus with a sad smile. "Headmaster, could ye cast a container spell on this here blighter? Will make it easier goin' through the castle." Severus did and everyone watched Hagrid leave with bated breath, waiting for something else to happen. Luckily, nothing did. That day.
Severus had just settled back into his chair, a cup of coffee laced with firewhisky to his right and the latest edict from the Dark Lord to his left. It would have been a normal evening, if not for the transparent form wavering front and centre before his desk.
He rubbed at his right temple with his knuckles, trying to sooth the throbbing vein there, but to no avail. Peeves didn't disappear, nor did the ectoplasm-covered blood roses from Salazar Slytherin's own potion garden.
"Why did it suddenly seem as if I would return your...your sentiments, Peeves?" Severus asked in a tight voice. He had to force the words out at the poltergeist's hang-dog look.
"Ickle Snapesy, so brooding and dark, needs a smile an' a happy lark," Peeves said in a rhyme. Severus' left eye developed a tic at that.
"Have you ever been attracted to anyone living, in that way? Before?" The vein in Severus' right temple was a dark blue and bulging, no matter how hard he was grinding his knuckle into it.
The poltergeist slowly shook his head, a look of dawning terror coming over it. "Master, master, Peeves has created disaster!" he shrieked. His filmy eyes looked at Severus behind the headmaster's desk, around the office, and back to Severus, his mouth falling open. "Oh, the wand did command I sue for your hand!" With those cryptic words, Peeves shot off like a Weasley Wheeze and straight into the fireplace, upsetting the coals and the old salamander that slept there.
Severus licked his lips, ground his teeth, and reached for his now cooled drink with a trembling hand. What in the Seven Hells was going on?
Two days later, he was rousting Filius—sane, urbane, quite normal Filius Flitwick—from his private chambers in the Slytherin Dungeons. Severus blushed as he remembered how the wizard had charmed his sheets to writhe across Severus' body, corners twisting into phantom fingers to wrap around his aching cock and flutter over his sensitive nipples.
Even two hours later Severus felt the sensation of silken stroking and a firm pressure on his body. He stared into the fire, eyes bloodshot, and nerves frayed. A bottle of Ogden's Best lay on its side, corked, almost half of it gone into Severus.
"Ah, fuck it," he growled to himself. "Next beastie that makes a play, I'll take..."
"That's a lovely way to greet an ally."
Severus jumped from his chair and spun, but the firewhisky interfered with his motor-skills and he wobbled drunkenly on the hearthrug. When the room stopped spinning around him, he stared in the direction the voice had come from only to see Remus Lupin lounging at his ease against his bookcase.
"How...how'd you get in?" Severus asked with a hiccup. "Warded the place to hell an' back."
"I got your message via the house-elf." Lupin stood up and away from the shelves and stalked toward Severus. I've gotten all your messages. It was a chore slipping them to Harry and the others, but, just as you wanted, no one knows you’re feeding us the information." Lupin stopped a hand's-width away from Severus, sniffing the air.
"Why are you bathed in firewhisky, Severus?" Large hands reached out and gently pulled Severus' swaying form against Lupin's chest—where Severus made a soft noise of protest before burrowing his face into the man's open collar. "Have the Carrows done something?"
"No, no...just too much..." Severus sighed into Lupin's throat, his lips brushing the artery there, feeling the acceleration of the other man's heartbeat. Severus licked his lips, which meant he licked Lupin's salty, tangy skin as well. "So lonely..." he murmured.
Lupin wrapped his arms more firmly around Severus and then, in a show of strength, picked him up in his arms so that Severus' head lolled on one broad shoulder. "I think it's time for all good wizards to sleep, don't you, Severus?" Lupin said softly. He strode toward a door tucked into the corner; it opened seconds before he could touch it and he passed into Severus' bedroom.
Severus was laid on his ready bed, covers pulled to the foot of it, sheets folded back invitingly, while Lupin took care of his boots and socks, a whispered Divestimio undoing the line of buttons on both the outer and inner robes Severus wore. He was left in his linen shirt and trousers, bare feet wriggling in the cooler air as Lupin conjured up a fire in the bedroom grate.
"There, that should help." Lupin turned to look at Severus, a dark, brooding look, and then smiled. "You should sleep, Severus. I'll wake you in a few hours and then we'll talk, and I'll get back to...to where I'm hiding." Lupin bent down to pull the sheets over Severus and was surprised to find himself sprawled across Severus' chest, his face pressed into the side of Severus' throat.
"No." Severus' embrace was awkward, but secure. "I said I'd take the next beastie an' while you're not beastie, you're next, so I'll have you..." Severus said in a rush.
"Severus, what are you saying?" Lupin squirmed and got himself properly on the bed, still fully dressed. "You're drunk, man, and you need some rest."
"No, I was drinking...and thinking...and I just need...help me forget, Lupin, for just a moment..." Severus bit his lip, waiting.
"Severus..." Lupin's voice was lower, rougher, the breath playing across Severus' skin hotter than he'd imagined. "You only had to ask." Lupin's hand was turning Severus toward him and then there were lips and teeth and tongues, moans and pleading....
Albus Dumbledore slipped between the mortar and stones of Hogwarts Castle, a smile on his ghostly face. He oozed into Alecto Carrow's room, Peeves already waiting for him. With a firm nod, they proceeded to scare the daylights out her, as the Bloody Baron and the Grey Lady did the same to Amycus. All around them the castle stood silent, the secret door to Severus' rooms latching shut, the doors of the Carrows disappearing into the stone walls...for one night, Headmaster Snape could rest while the castle took care of everyone else.