Valentine's Day, Humbug by snapesgirl Title: Valentine's Day, Humbug Author/Artist:snapesgirl on IJ or snapesgirl62 on DW Pairing: Rabastan/Severus, Rodolphus/Bellatrix, Lucius/Narcissa Rating: PG-13 Word Count: 1323 Warnings: Crack, pure Crack Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters and their worlds belong to their original writers and no copyright infringement or offence is intended. No money was made from this story. Summary: True love takes a beating and keeps on ticking A/N: Many thanks to elfflame and unbroken_halo for hand holding and beta reading.
Valentine's Day, Humbug
"I need to give her something special. It has to be unique and symbolize the purity of my intentions." Lucius Malfoy said while looking in a shop window.
"There is no reason for a fuss, it's just another day."
Severus Snape's protest made Lucius turn and frown at him. "Your failure to understand is because you have no sense of romance."
Rodolphus Lestrange chuckled and patted Severus on the shoulder. "Ignore Lucius, he's being a prat because Narcissa gave him an ultimatum."
"You have it easy, Rodolphus. All you have to do is present Bellatrix with a still-beating heart, preferably with the dead Muggle at her feet, and your wife will be ecstatic. Narcissa is more refined than her sister."
"Translation: you made her angry and you need to grovel." Rodolphus pointed at something in the window. "How about that antique vanity set? Two potion bottles, comb, brush, mirror and a jar in a nice travel case."
"Far too common for a rare jewel like Narcissa."
"He's so deep in trouble it isn't enough to bail him out." Severus' comment earned him a glare.
"What would you give to your beloved mudblood?" Lucius peered down his nose at Severus.
"She isn't mine to bribe with trinkets in the name of a dead Muggle saint." Severus stomped off, ignoring his friends when they called for him to come back. He had no use for romance or this so-called holiday that was just an excuse for men to waste money on bribing a female into liking them.
Rabastan Lestrange approached and made him stop walking. He gestured to the duo behind Severus. "My brother and cousin are calling to you. What have they done to annoy you this time?"
"Valentine's Day, bah, humbug." Severus spat on the ground to punctuate his remark.
"That good?" Rabastan sighed and waved a hand at the others. "I take it they are waxing poetic over their brides."
"Lucius is making an arse of himself over finding the perfect present."
"What about Rodolphus?"
"In honour of the occasion, he's planning on taking Bellatrix out for a bit of Muggle baiting."
"Which makes perfect sense, they are a bloodthirsty pair." Rabastan led Severus to the Leaky Cauldron.
"Who are you going to woo on this benighted day?" Severus allowed Rabastan to open the door and entered in front of his friend.
"I thought I might spread some flower petals on his bed, maybe leave a bottle of champagne cooling in a bucket next to cupid's alter, and-"
"And get your prick bitten if you try any of that in our flat." Severus half growled his promise, making Rabastan smile.
"You really are the soul of romance." Rabastan leaned against bar. "Two bitters." He tossed a sickle and two knuts onto the bar.
The drinks were placed in front of them. Severus lifted one and nodded at a corner booth. Rabastan picked up his drink and led the way to the booth. They sat facing each other.
"To bachelorhood." Rabastan offered as a toast. He took a sip and grimaced.
"Why did you order a bitter when you don't like it?" Severus took a drink and sighed.
"I keep trying to see if this will grow on me." Rabastan took a long drink and set down the tankard. "Severus, do you really think Valentine's Day is nothing but humbug?"
"Please don't tell me you are falling for that twaddle." Severus grumbled and toyed with his tankard.
"No, actually, I am looking for a bit of fun at Lucius' expense."
Looking around to see if they were being observed, Severus replied, "I'm in." He leaned forward with an evil grin. "What do you have in mind?"
"We are going to switch the addresses on two presents." Rabastan's smile made a nearby wizard flinch and move away.
Severus finished his drink. "Shall we get started?"
"All right. I think we need a cover story for joining Lucius and Rodolphus." Rabastan shoved his tankard over to Severus.
"You found me, plied me with beer and convinced me to return to witness their insanity." Severus finished Rabastan's drink.
"Everyone knows you do not indulge in alcoholic beverages." Rabastan stood up and offered Severus his hand.
“I do not need assistance." Severus stood up and regally swept to the back entrance.
Rabastan followed him out. They wandered around Diagon Alley and eventually found Lucius with Rodolphus in a Knockturn Alley shop specializing in things that would make Bellatrix happy.
"What have we here?" Rabastan put an arm around his brother's shoulder. "Ah, the party assortment of whips and chains. Just what your little bride would adore."
"He purchased an edged weapon for her." Lucius rolled his eyes. "I still think you should just give her a Muggle to torture."
"I plan on taking her out to test the new toys."
"How romantic of you." Severus looked at Lucius and smirked. "You have yet to find the perfect present?"
"I found it and the package will arrive by owl on the fourteenth." Lucius straightened his cuffs. "What made you decide to find us, Severus?"
"Rabastan thought I could benefit from more time among humans."
"Tell me, Lucius, where did you find the perfect gift for dear Narcissa?" Rabastan reached over and flicked a bit of imaginary lint off of Lucius' robes.
"Flick's Frilly Follies," Severus offered.
"Nothing that déclassé." Lucius shifted his weight and stepped out from between Rabastan and Severus. "Since you insist, Regina's Corsetry."
Severus nodded his head. "I have heard of this establishment. They require full measurements, don't they?"
"I know what size my wife wears." Lucius sniffed and nodded his head at them. "I have an engagement, good day, gentlemen."
"Would you like for me to play delivery boy, brother?" Rabastan batted his eyelashes at Rodolphus, earning a laugh.
"I remember what you did at Yule. I think I can wait for the present." Rodolphus ran a hand over Rabastan's head, mussing up his hair. "Run along and play with your friend."
Rodolphus laughed at him and made a shooing gesture.
They left the shop and wandered away.
"He is too suspicious," Rabastan grumbled.
"You have pulled too many pranks on him." Severus took the lead.
"Where are you going?"
"The corsetry, we need to change the address on Lucius' package." Severus turned and looked back at Rabastan. "Come along. I will take care of the second problem after we do this task."
February 14th, 1979
Severus stared out the window of his and Rabastan's shared flat. He noticed a flurry of activity on the street and walked to the bedroom.
"Your brother is here," he announced.
Sticking his head out from under the blanket, Rabastan grumbled; "I didn't hear anyone at the door."
"He and Lucius are on the front walk."
"Shite." Rabastan sat up and rubbed his face. "I'm getting dressed. Stall them."
They flinched at the sound of someone pounding on their front door. Severus pulled out his wand and went to answer it.
"Where is the little bastard?" Rodolphus called out as he entered the flat.
"How lovely to see you, do come in." Severus gave him a half bow. "And Lucius, to what do I owe this honour?"
"My brother almost got me killed."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Severus, cease pretending to be innocent. You know very well that Rabastan had my present for Narcissa sent to her sister. Narcissa was less than amused to receive a dagger and matching stiletto with garter sheaths."
Rabastan entered the room and ducked a hex from Rodolphus.
"What was that for?" He called from around the bedroom door.
"You had the audacity to have a powder blue and silver lace covered feminine frilled confection sent to Bellatrix. She almost castrated me!"
"This holiday is sheer madness. Expectations are set, women get disappointed and then they become violent," Severus explained to their guests. He dived behind the sofa when a hex was cast at him by Lucius
"Rabastan, come out and take your punishment like a man," Rodolphus bellowed.
"Humbug. I told you, Valentine's Day is nothing but humbug." Severus' declaration was followed by both Lucius and Rodolphus attempting to hex him.