So We Begin Again
itle: So We Begin Again Author: Midlagedfangirl Rating: Mature/Adult Content Pairing: Severus/Remus Challenge: HPPS
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TSo We Begin Again
“Lupin! Lupin! Wake up you lazy wolf” Severus whispered in his lover’s ear as he snuggled him closer and fondled his bum.
“Hmmm...whatcha want Sev’rus?” Remus said sleepily, gently sighing and wriggling deeper into Severus’ embrace.
“You’re undying love and undivided attention for the rest of your life of course! However, I will settle right now for a kiss and you joining me for a shower. We are supposed to meet with the Headmaster today, if you recall, and although he didn’t specify an exact time, I took ‘morning’ to mean before noon, not after!” Severus said, nuzzling Remus’ ear and gently kissing his neck.
“But it’s still early, Love! Why don’t we just cuddle and sleep for a while yet…the full moon was just two days ago, and you know how tired I am after.” Remus asked, barely opening his eyes but still managing a pleading look. “Please?”
“You’re lucky I love you, Lupin, and am willing to coddle you.” Severus said with mock severity. “Very well, we can rest for a while longer. But if we’re late, you get to explain to Albus.” Severus knew how exhausted Remus was, and to be honest he hated to make him get up at all. By all rights he should be allowed to stay in bed and rest at least through today, if not tomorrow.
Severus frowned to himself as he thought of the reason why Lupin’s rest, and the time that he wanted to spend caring for his lover was being interrupted. It seemed Potter’s spawn was entering Hogwart’s this year. Dumbledore felt that young Potter was especially vulnerable right now. He didn’t believe that Voldemort was gone for good, and Severus agreed with him.
No matter how much Severus grumbled, he knew it would be in the Dark Lord’s best interest to remove the problem that the child presented before he even learned about his magic and how to use it. With the Dursley’s and their attitude towards Harry and to the existence of magic at all, this transition would be the best time to achieve that goal.
Damn Petunia and her ridiculous lout of a husband and dimwitted lump of a child anyway! You would think that they would be glad that Potter’s Hogwarts letter arrived and they would be rid of him for all but a couple of months of the year from now on! But no, they were trying to prevent the letter from reaching him. Petunia always was a jealous and emotionally constipated bitch, he thought bitterly.
Severus wasn’t completely clear what he and Remus responsibilites would entail. Dumbledore was sending Hagrid to retrieve the child and take him to Diagon alley to get his school supplies and catch the Hogwart’s express. Although Severus would have actually enjoyed the opportunity to see Lily’s sister again and intimidate her, he had to agree that Hagrid’s size would work in his favor. Where Severus would probably be tempted to use an unforgivible curse on them for their stupidity and arrogance, he doubted that they would try anything physical with Hagrid’s enormous size and imposing appearance. Harry too would be better set at ease and helped to accept his status as a wizard with the jovial Hagrid. Severus knew that he would quickly become impatient with the child and his questions, simply because of his resemblence to his father. (It would be a much more comfortable situation if the child took after his mother!) That would then lead to Lupin being unhappy with him and possibly them having a row. They had only recently gotten back together after all the long years apart following Black’s “prank,” and Severus didn’t want to lose any more time with him.
Severus sighed and stroked Remus bare back gently, remembering the day when he stepped back into Severus’ life and heart. Dumbledore had called him to his office, and Severus stopped in shock when he saw Lupin sitting in one of the chairs by the Headmaster’s desk.
“Thank you for coming so promptly, Severus! I apologize, but I must step out for a few minutes. There is something I must deal with that just came up and cannot wait. Please, both of you, have some tea. I’ll be back as quickly as I can!” With that, Dumbledore turned and left before Severus could manage to do more than glower. A house elf popped in and and left a rather impressive tea tray laden with small sandwiches and all manner of sweets, popping out after requesting that they call out for Twinkle if they needed anything.
Severus stood, frozen to the spot as he found himself looking deep into Lupin’s blue eyes once again. It had been almost 10 years since he had seen him. His hair was shot through with silver, and he had deep lines on his face. But, Severus thought to himself, he was still so very good looking. Just like he always had been he thought with sigh. At one time they were quite close. Extremely close in fact. They had been lovers in secret for around a year, until Black’s infamous “prank” that had almost cost Severus his life pushed them apart. Severus had felt betrayed by Remus’ not sharing his condition with him, and refused to believe that Remus was not involved with the prank. He had convinced himself that Remus was planning to make a fool out of him and didn’t really love him as he had claimed. By the time Severus realized that Remus was a victim too, it was too late. Remus had disappeared.
The last time they had seen each other was at the Potter’s funeral. At the cemetary after the services they found themselves standing next to each other. Lupin, obviously upset, his eyes red and swollen from crying, said to Severus “Well, Severus, now perhaps you’ll believe me when I tell you I had nothing to do with Sirius’ prank. This shows how much he values his friends. I’m not sure why he didn’t murder me too. Perhaps he doesn’t consider me a threat unless it’s the full moon!” Lupin abruptly apparated away before Severus could reply, and he hadn’t seen him since.
“Well, Lupin! This is a surprise! I assumed you had gone feral and were roaming the woods with others of your kind. To what do we owe the honor of your presence?” Severus said, looking down his nose at the other man with a sneer.
“It’s nice to see you again too Severus. I see you’re still just as charming and pleasant as ever! However, I’m glad to see you are well.” Remus said calmly with a small smile.
Severus looked back at him with a small, barely perceptible smile. “Well, well. You seem to have grown at least a bit of a backbone during the last decade, Lupin. I doubt you would have bothered to respond. What have been doing with yourself anyway? Obviously, nothing too profitable!” Severus sneered, looking Lupin up and down, taking in his overly long, shaggy hair and shabby but clean clothes.
“I’ve been helping my mother care for my father. He was quite ill and was an invalid for a number of years. He passed away a few months ago. My Mum has gone stay with her family in the United States. She was muggle born, if you remember. I’m considering joining her, actually. Albus’ had owled me, encouraging me to come in and visit, so I decided to hang around for a bit. And how have you been, Severus? You look like you’re doing well.” Remus said quietly, another small smile on his face, a look of pained longing in his eyes that vanished so quickly Severus almost wasn’t sure he had seen it.
Hearing about Lupin’s father and his illness and death stopped the snarky comments that had risen to Severus lips. He remembered how close Lupin had been to his parents and how much this would have effected him. Severus’ own mother had been ill for a long time and Severus had cared for her – or arranged for her care during the school year while he was required to be at Hogwarts. His father had vanished too not long after the Potter’s funeral, leaving her alone. It broke Severus’ heart to see his mother’s health slowly decline. She had been through so much with his father and his drinking. Severus had been relieved to see the back of him.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Lupin. My mother passed away last year after a long illness. My father had abandoned her years ago. I think perhaps I understand a little of how you feel.” He said, his voice almost a whisper. “You care for them for so long and hate to see them so weak and ill. But when they finally pass, you’re still crushed. You’re glad they’re not suffering anymore, but you wish you had them back…as they once were.” He finished, looking at his feet instead of Lupin.
Remus didn’t say anything for a bit, then he reached over placed his hand on Severus’ shoulder, gently squeezing. “I’m sorry Severus. I know you loved her very much. But me saying that doesn’t help, I know. Anymore than all the condolences helped me after my Dad passed. But if there is ever anything I can do for you, anything at all, please let me know. I’ll be happy to render whatever assitance I can. Even if it’s just someone to talk to who does understand what you’ve been through.”
Albus returned before Severus could reply. He looked back up into Remus’ eyes and could see the honesty of his compassion. The man had mean’t what he said, it wasn’t just pretty words or pity. At that realization, Severus felt something warm in his chest that expanded outwards to engulf him. He could still feel the warmth of Lupin’s hand on his shoulder even though he had removed it.
Once again, his pain at having misjudged Lupin flared brightly. In his youthful arrogance he had refused to listen to Remus’ explanations. He insisted that Remus didn’t love or trust him, or he would have told him of his curse. He sneered at Remus as he tried to explain his fear of losing him. Obviously Remus’ fears had been justified. His own attitude had been responsible. All those years of lonliness and bitterness were his own fault.
They spent a pleasant couple of hours talking with the Headmaster. After leaving Dumbledore’s office, Severus and Remus walked together down the hallway, finally stopping by the front doors.
“It’s been wonderful to see you again, Severus.” Remus said quietly, smiling at Severus and leaning over to place his hand on his shoulder, giving it a gently squeeze again. Severus again felt the warmth bloom in his chest to in response to Remus’ touch.
“Yes, it has.” Severus replied.
“I hope I see you again soon. Take care.” Remus said, again with a small smile. He let go of Severus’ shoulder and started to turn to open the door and leave.
“Lupin…Remus. A moment, please?” Severus said quickly before he could talk himself out of it. “Would you care to have dinner with me this evening? Unless you have other plans, of course.” Severus whispered, looking down at the floor as he spoke, slowly looking up into Remus’ eyes when he finished.
A smile, a big one this time, crossed Remus face and shone in his eyes. “I would be delighted to Severus! Thank you very much! Where did you have in mind?”
“I thought perhaps we could dine in my quarters. It is the break now and the students are, for the most part, home for the holidays. Of those that are left, none are my responsibility. Considering the weather outside, I thought it would be more comfortable by the fire than trudging in to Hogsmeade.” Severus found himself saying.
“That sounds wonderful Severus. Lead on!” Remus said, his blue eyes sparkling as he gestured grandly for Severus to preceed him.
Severus shook his head at Remus’ nonsense, turning to stride down the hall. “Follow me, Lupin!”
They walked together in silence until they reached Severus quarters. Severus opened the door, and gestured for Remus to enter. With a wave of his hand, Severus set the fire blazing in the large fireplace in his sitting room. “If it’s acceptable to you, Remus, I thought we could sit by the fire and enjoy our meal. As I’m sure you remember, the castle gets rather chilly at this time of year.”
“That would grand, thank you, Severus. There’s nothing like a warm fire and good company on a cold evening!” Remus said pleasantly. Severus looked at Remus closely, wondering if he was serious. As he noticed Severus’ regard, he said “I mean it Severus, I’m not having you on. I’ve always enjoyed your company.” The last was said in almost a whisper, as if Remus was afraid that if he said it too loud, Severus would get upset.
Severus called for Twinkle the house elf and ordered dinner for them both. “Very good, Master Severus! I shall returns with it soon.” The elf said, popping out after giving a bow.
“Would you care for a glass of wine before dinner, Remus? I have some elf-made wine here that is an excellent vintage. Or something stronger, perhaps?” Severus inquired, looking closely at his guest, thinking again just how good looking Lupin was, especially when he was in good spirits as he seemed to be now. A shiver of desire went down his spine as he remembered how soft his lips were and how sweet his kisses. He shook himself slightly before his mind went too far down that path. It would not do for him to allow himself to get aroused. “I doubt he would still be attracted to me anyway. Especially after the way I’ve treated him.” He thought to himself sadly.
“Wine would be lovely, Severus, thank you.” Remus replied, smiling his small, gentle smile, his eyes sparkling in the firelight. Severus found himself remembering what those eyes looked like after making love, relaxing in the warmth of the fire while they lay in each others arms.
Twinkle returned with their meal, setting it on a table that he conjured between the two chairs. “When you are finished Master Severus, just calls Twinkle again and I will clear the mess away for you! It won’t take but a moment. Anything you need, you calls Twinkle.” The elf said again, bowing as he disappeared.
They enjoyed their meal, talking about current events and magical advancements and discoveries. They lingered over their dessert as their conversation slowly died down.
“I’ve had a lovely evening Severus. Thank you again for inviting me. But it is getting very late, and I’ve imposed upon you long enough for one evening.” Remus smiled, but Severus could read the reluctance to leave in his eyes.
“Please have a drink with me before you depart, Lupin. A fitting end to a enjoyable evening.” Severus said, walking over to the cabinet where he kept his liquor. “Brandy or Firewhiskey? Or something else perhaps?”
“Brandy please, Severus, and thank you again.” He smiled as he relaxed back in his chair.
“Twinkle! Severus called. The elf appeared almost immediately, bowing again to Severus. “Would you remove the dishes please?” Severus asked as he poured brandy for Remus and himself. He watched Remus out of the corner of his eye, enjoying the sight of him stretching out his legs and his slim, beautiful hands towards the fire. He felt another surge of desire as he remembered just how good it felt to be touched and caressed by those hands.
“It certainly is a right foul night out, it is, Master Severus. No one should be going out in this weather. The Headmaster says it’s a blizzard and it probably won’t stop snowing for days yet. Master Severus’ guest shouldn’t be going out into this weather, it isn’t safe, even though Twinkle is sure that Master Severus’ guest is a powerful, clever wizard. If you be needing extra blankets or or another room or anything, you calls Twinkle. Good evening!” Twinkle said as he winked out with his customary bow.
Severus walked over and handed Remus his brandy, and silently toasted him with his own drink before he took a sip. “I hadn’t realized it was snowing. But then, it’s not like I have windows here in the dungeon.” Severus said with a wry look on his face.
“It was snowing lightly when I arrived in Hogsmead this afternoon, but it had stopped by the time I had gotten here. I didn’t know there was a serious snowstorm coming.” Remus said with a frown. “Thank you for the brandy, Severus, it will help keep me warm!” Remus said, finishing his drink with one swallow. “A real shame not to savor that, but I really need to be going.” Remus said as he sat down his glass and stood up. “I need to get home before the weather gets any worse.”
Severus found himself looking up at Remus with a feeling of dissapointment and sadness at the thought of him leaving. He wanted Lupin to stay. Tonight. With him – preferrably in his bed he admitted to himself. He hesitated to ask him for fear that Lupin would turn him down. Nicely, of course, because that is how he was. He didn’t think he could take that.
As he stood up he took in Remus’ thin, worn cloak. The man would freeze to death or catch pnuemonia going out in this weather like that. The though of anything happening to Remus strengthened his resolve, and he forced his fear of rejection down.
He took a step closer. “Remus, don’t you think it would be advisable for you to stay here during this storm? I’ve told you that it’s the break and there are no students that require my attention. I’ve got almost two weeks off and you would not be an imposition.” Severus said, reaching out and brushing Remus’ hair back from his face. “It would be much warmer and comfortable here than out in the snow, don’t you think? Unless, of course, I am making you uncomfortable?” Severus whispered.
Remus eyes fell closed and he let out a small moan as he felt Severus. fingers in his hair, gently grazing his cheek as he pushed it back. When he opened his eyes, Severus saw they were filled with tears. “Oh, Severus. It’s just that…well…it would be, too HARD to stay here with you and not, well…sleep with you! I still care for you Severus, and I’ve missed you so very much.. I’m sure you think I’m foolish, but…”
“Hush now.” Severus replied, placing his index finger over Remus’ soft lips and looking deeply into his eyes, his own heart pounding. “I do not think you are foolish, for I find myself feeling the same way. Apologies don’t come easy for me, Remus. as you well know. I was wrong for not listening to you, for not believing in you. I let my pride get in the way, and I’m sorry.” He leaned forward and brushed his lips over Remus’.
As he felt Severus’ lips brush his own, Remus’ groaned loudly and wrapped his arms around Severus, pulling him close. He parted his lips for Severus’tongue, twining it with his own. “Severus…” he whispered when they stopped to breathe. “Oh Severus…please?”
Severus pulled Remus close against his body and buried his face in his soft warm hair. Remus’ soft plea went right to his heart. He felt his body surge with desire as he lost himself in the feel of Remus’ body against his. “Please what, Lupin?” Severus whispered in reply, nuzzling and gently nipping Remus’ neck. “What do you want?”
“You Severus. I want you. I want to make love with you. I want to go to sleep in your arms and wake up in them.” He sighed, burying his hands in Severus’ thick, shiny hair and pressing kisses to his cheek.
“That sounds like an excellent plan.” Severus replied, reaching up and starting to unfasten Remus’ clothing. “I think that we should adjourn to the bedroom” he said in a deep, seductive tone before he kissed Remus deeply. “We are wearing far too many clothes” he sighed as he finally opened Remus’ shirt and stroked his hand over the warm, bare skin.
“Yes…” Remus hissed, “I agree.” He snarled as he wrestled with all the buttons on Severus’ robes. “I can’t open these, damn it!”
“Come” Severus said, grasping both of Remus’ hands in his and pulling him in to the bedroom. “Perhaps you are having problems because your hands are shaking?” he whispered to Remus with a slumberous expression on his face. “I wonder why that is? What do you think?” he said as he opened Remus’ trousers and pushed them, along with his pants, down over his hips, letting them pool around his ankles, and grasped Remus’ cock and stroked it firmly.
“Oh GOD Severus!” Remus breathed, collapsing against him. “Don’t stop! Sweet Mother of God, don’t stop!”
Severus gave a very pleased sounding chuckle. “I have no intention of stopping. Here, let me help you!” he said, using a wandless charm to open all his buttons. He toed off his shoes and socks and quickly divested himself of his clothing, turning his attention back to the gorgeous man who was trembling with desire in front of him. He quickly removed Remus’ remaining clothing and gently layed him down on the large four poster bed. He removed his shoes and socks and started kissing and licking his way up Remus’ long, strong legs. Remus’ breathing quickened and he moaned softly.
“Severus! You’re a tease!” he chuckled breathlessly, burying his hands in his hair and gently pulling him up so he could kiss him passionately. “There, that’s better. Severus, you taste wonderful. I’ve missed this so much.” He whispered.
“I’ve missed you too. I’ve missed touching and tasting you, and feeling your skin against mine!” Severus growled, rolling on Remus and thrusting against him. “I miss being buried deep inside you, and watching your face while we make love. You’re still so beautiful Lupin…so very beautiful. You aren’t getting away from me again, do you understand.” He said, punctating his words with another rolling thrust of his hips.
Remus’ eyes almost rolled back in his head as he felt Severus rubbing their cocks together and saying such wonderful things. “No, never Severus! I don’t ever want to be away from you again!” he gasped. “I want you inside me now, Love! Now, please! Don’t make me wait any longer!” he cried.
Severus almost lost control as he heard Remus’ impassioned plea. “Patience, my Love, patience!” he crooned. “I won’t hurry and take a chance on injuring you! Severus whispered a spell to prepare Remus, and with a long, slow thrust entered him. He had to stop and hold still for a minute to savor the wonderful feeling of being inside Remus, encased in his tight heat again after such a long time. Remus gasped and moaned in pleasure, wrapping his legs around Severus hips in an effort to pull him in as deep as he could.
“Oh Severus, you feel so wonderful! God how I’ve missed you!” he sobbed, reaching up and pulling Severus down so he could kiss him.
“As do you, Love.” Severus sighed, pulling out slowly and thrusting in again over and over. Severus was shaking with the effort it took him to go slowly. Having Remus in his arms and in his bed again was worth taking time over and savoring. This was no casual shag. It was making love in the truest sense. As their eyes met, Severus saw the love glowing in Remus’ eyes, and he felt the missing space inside himself being filled.
“I love you Remus!!” Severus cried out loudly as he reach his climax, thrusting in to Remus one last time.
“I love you too, Severus!” Remus cried as he followed Severus in bliss.
Severus sighed with deep satisfaction, rolling off Remus and pulling him into his arms. Remus lay his head on Severus chest and closed his eyes, smiling in satisifaction. They lay entwined together, their pounding hearts and panting breaths gradually returning to normal. Severus sighed contentedly to himself as he watched the fire light shine in Remus soft wavy hair and make his pale skin glow. They lay there quietly, exchanging soft kisses and murmuring endearments. Remus was just about asleep when he felt Severus stoke his hair again and felt him nuzzle his neck.
“Remus?” Severus said softly. “Yes, Love?” Remus said, opening his eyes sleepily and looking up at his lover.
“Stay with me?” he said gently. “Not just during the storm. But always. Here and at my home in Spinner’s End. No one has to know but Albus. It will be safer that way, you know.” He whispered, kissing and gently biting Remus shoulder. “Until we know for sure about the Dark Lord. I truly believe he will return. It wouldn’t be safe for you if he were to become aware of our relationship. I will not risk your life, risk losing you because of him!” Severus said passionately, holding Remus tightly.
“Are you sure, Severus? Do you mean it?” Remus said, looking up into Severus’ eyes, his own wide open with no trace of drowsiness in them now.
“I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t sure. I know I’m not the easiest man to live with, Remus. I’ll understand if you need your own space so you aren’t overwhelmed. I’m sure Albus will won’t object to us adding Wizard space to my quarters. Unless you would prefer to reside elsewhere, of course.” Severus said, his words casual but his eyes pleading and almost fearful.
“I do not wish to reside anywhere but where you are Severus. Never again if we can avoid it. Thank you. I can’t tell you how much this means to me, finding out you still care…you willing to take a chance on me, on US, again. Oh my Love, if I had known this would be the result, I would have visited weeks ago!” Remus said fiercly, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
“Good.” Severus sighed, letting out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. “Now that that is settled, I suggest we both get some rest. I don’t plan on allowing you to get very far from this bed for quite some time. We have all those years of seperation to make up for, you realize.” He said with mock severity.
“Yes, Severus. You’re right of course, as always.” Remus said with a smile as he closed his eyes and snuggled close. Severus pulled the blankets up, tucking them around their bodies snugly.
And so they the long, lonely seperation was ended. They had cherished every day they spent together. Severus had lovingly cared for Remus after every change, trying to ease his pain. They were both overjoyed when Severus discovered the Wolfsbane potion. It was wonderful that Remus could keep his human mind and not worry about injuring or turning anyone. Unfortunately it did nothing to ease the pain of the transformation or the exhaustion that persisted for days after.
Severus listened to Remus’ gentle snores, looking at the lines of fatigue that were still etched upon his sweet face, only just starting to fade. He stroked Remus hair softly, wishing he could do something to ease the strain upon his body.
Severus gently disentagled himself from Remus’ embrace, careful not wake him as he carefully got out of bed and put on his dressing gown. He went into the sitting room, pulling the door to the bedroom closed after him.
He walked over to the fireplace and knelt down, grasping a handful of floo powder and placing a call to Albus.
“Albus, a word if you please.” Severus said seriously as he saw the Headmaster appear before him. “Is it imperative that Lupin and I meet with you this morning? Can it not be postponed for at least a couple of days? The full moon was barely 24 hours ago! Surely you realize how painful and exhausting it is and how much of a strain it is upon his body!” Severus said, scowling.
Albus looked taken aback for a moment, but then the twinkle returned to his eyes. “I had not realized that the full moon had just passed, Severus. I certainly wouldn’t have requested that you both meet with me today. Please, tell Remus to rest! What I need to discuss with you can certainly wait a couple of days. We still have several weeks before the new year starts. In fact, why don’t I plan upon seeing you both when you return to Hogwarts next week?”
Severus was surprised that the Headmaster agreed so readily. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion as he quickly tried to figure out what the maddening man’s ulterior motive was. He decided he’d deal with that when it came up. For now, he’d just be grateful for the reprieve he had been able to gain for his lover.
“Thank you Albus. Remus will be very grateful to you. He could hardly keep his eyes open earlier.” Severus told him.
“Go take care of Remus, Severus. He needs you now. You both need each other! I’m glad you worked through your differences my boy. The two of you were always good for each other and it was a tragedy when you seperated. Please don’t let anything come between you again! It was painful to watch you both suffer so. I don’t want to lose either of you, you know. You are the son I never had, Severus. I want you to know that. Whenever you are in pain, I am in pain too. Now, off you go! Remus will be unhappy if he wakes up and you aren’t there!” Albus told him as he ended their call.
Severus slowly stood up and walked thoughtfully back into the bedroom. He removed his dressing gown, and slid carefully back into bed, pulling Remus into his arms again. Remus stirred and opened his eyes slightly, his exhaustion evident.
“M’sorry, Sev’rus.” He murmured. “I’m trying to wake up, but it’s so hard!” he said, frustration evident in his voice.
“Shhh…Love. It’s alright. Go back to sleep, I’ll take care of you.” Severus said soothingly, pressing a kiss to his forehead and stroking his hand up and down his bare back, dropping to grope his bum again. Remus smiled and pushed his backside up against Severus’ hand. “That’s not fair! You’re teasing me when you know I’m too tired to respond properly!” he chuckled. “But what about our meeting with Albus?”
“Don’t worry about that now, Love. You need your rest. I spoke with Albus and we decided that we would meet when we return to Hogwarts. So go back to sleep.” Severus whispered as he kissed him tenderly on the mouth.
Remus smiled and snuggled closer to Severus. “Thank you Severus. You take such good care of me. I don’t mean to be burden. But I love you…so very, very much.
“Don’t be ridiculous, you aren’t a burden! But rest assured I shall tell you if you become one, wolf!” he said with mock severity. “I love you too, Remus. I love you too.”