Part 2 - both parts unbeta'd
~~~*50 years later*~~~
The first thing I am aware of is the insistent, soft beeping.
"Professor."
Who's there...?
"Welcome back, Professor Snape. You are on board of Hogwarts IV, currently headed towards Gliese 581 of the Libra constellation."
What...?
"Sybill Trelawney II foresaw a new magical world awaiting us ten years ago. With the cooperation of muggle governments around the world, we've advanced magical and technological knowledge to new hights. The space frontier has never been penetrated deeper than this before."
The fuck...?
"Unfortunately, we were not able to salvage your body due to damage from Nagini's poison. However, we're working on creating a clone, using undamaged dna samples pieced together to form the new basis for your body."
Oh shit. Oh shitohshitohshitohshitohshit--
"In the mean time, we were able to extract your soul from one of your horcruxes and stabilise you into R2-D2 prototype X. Unfortunately we are still unable to synchronise the magic core with mechanical bodies, so you will not be able to perform magic. However, you should have no problems with movement or communications."
My eyes snap open. Who the hell is this? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Ah, some young guppy. Of course.
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!"
"No need for such harsh language, Professor. You should be able to find everything you need to know in the Captian's Log in the cockpit. There are signs should you get lost."
This can't be happening. I have to get out of here. It's all a bad dream.
"Currently, we are the only people awake. Like I said, you should find everything you need to know in the cockpit. By the way, don't worry about damaging this body. Remus Lupin did quite the good job assisting you in creating your horcruxes. You still have thirty-five horcruxes left."
"BEEEEEP! Beep bop click beeeeep?"
"Yes, the chocolate bars. Again, no need for such language."
"BEEP!"
"I'll just ignore that. It's time for my hibernation cycle. See you in a hundred years, Professor!"