This is How You Remind Me
Title: This is How You Remind Me Summary: Remus’ thoughts during the final battle Pairings: Severus/Remus, Remus/Dora both implied only Rating: PG-13 for mild cursing and canon death Warnings: This is NOT my usual fare! It’s sad and there IS canon character death in it, so you have been warned! Disclaimer: If you think any of these characters are mine please tell me what world you live in so I can move there posthaste! This Is How You Remind Me by Nickelback (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cQh1ccqu8M) is not mine but I wish it was! :D The lyrics (abbreviated) of the song are at the end as it was what gave me the idea and I listened to it far too many times while writing this. AN: Special thanks to countesszero who gave this a quick once over. Any remaining errors are of course mine as I am compelled to tweak things after they’ve been betaed. Author: azure_rosa AN: originally written for the Decade of SS RL challenge.
This is How You Remind Me
I had forgotten.
You made me forget and I loved you for it. I forgot I was less than human, that I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, that I was deficient, a monster mothers frightened their children with. To you I was just Remus, nothing more or less. You understood. You said the population at large judged based on the strangest and most unreasonable of standards. I had tried so long and so hard to fit in, rather like you, but no matter how hard I tried, how much I sacrificed, I would always remain an outsider. You knew what it felt like. You told me you were as tired of trying to fit into their naïve cookie-cutter categories as I was.
You just had to ruin everything, didn’t you?
Sometimes I think good things happen to me just so they can be snatched away for someone’s puerile entertainment. It wasn’t enough that I loved you. I wasn’t enough to stop you. I should have known. You pulled away from me in these last few months. You have never been fully honest, even when we were alone, but this was more than your usual burden of spying. You would get this lost expression in your eyes and stare blankly into the distance after returning from the Death Eater meetings. At that time I thought the grim reality of the war was catching up with you and breaking through your stoic façade. Little did I know your mood was due to your conversations with Albus, not the meetings themselves.
I am not unfamiliar with betrayal. From the time I was bitten everyone I loved shied away from me and those who didn’t shy away, ran as though their lives depended on it. Once I thought nothing could throw me more off course than the realisation that Sirius of all people had been the spy until I learned we all had been wrong, turning my world up-side-down again, but then you always had to one up Sirius, didn’t you, my love?
The day I learned from Harry you had killed Dumbledore didn’t just turn my world upside down, no, my world stopped turning and then ceased to exist.
I hated and I loved you. I wanted to stop, I wanted to be human enough to break our bond and turn against you like everyone else did so easily. I longed to never want to see you again, but I was certain I would stop breathing if I didn’t. I convinced myself I had failed you, that you would never had done this to Albus, to me, if I hadn’t failed you. I should have reached out and forced you to share your burden regardless of Albus’ demand for secrecy. Could I have changed your mind? Convinced you to come away with me instead? Or was it my corrupted presence which poisoned you against us all?
You used to make me feel human, you made me whole, safe and normal. I don’t think I could ever adequately explain to you the gift that was. But now I must remember I am a monster, I am not allowed the nice things others take for granted. I don’t get to keep the person that makes me whole. Instead I get Sirius’ younger cousin shoved into my arms because she wants me, so I should just take her and be grateful regardless of my own feelings.
You didn’t give me an explanation, not when you pulled away from me, not when you murdered Albus, but then you were never one to explain yourself or apologize for your actions. I was a fool to think you were the key to my long awaited happy ending, but I never claimed to be wise, did I?
I gave you my heart. You knew how I felt and you even returned the sentiment a few times. You never really said the words, but I thought I knew you did. You acted like I was as important to you as you were to me. Was it all an act? Did taking up with me ascertain your loyalty to our cause in Albus’ eyes? Was that what I was to you? A mere pawn, a useful tool to make you look more trust-worthy?
I would have run away from everything with you. I would have abandoned everyone if you had only crooked your finger in my direction. Before you crushed the heart I so thoughtlessly gave you that didn’t seem so damn foolish. Now I wonder how much I told you that you did not already know, how many plans were foiled, or have been since, where the blame could be laid solely at my own feet. How many more have died because I loved you? Because I trusted you?
So here I stand, on the grounds of Hogwarts facing an army of Death Eaters and their allies. Dora is home, safe with young Teddy and instead of my thoughts being consumed by the need to protect my family, as they should be if I was a decent person, they circle around you. Are you here, hidden behind one of those horrible masks? The idea of you hiding in plain sight right in front of me draws a twisted smile to my lips. Didn’t you always hide behind a façade, love?
Ambivalence rules my thoughts about you even now. If I saw you, could I, would I kill you? Or would I pull you into my arms for the first time in far too long and kiss you before begging for the truth, just this once? I doubt I could bring myself to harm you knowingly. At times I feel I should want to hurt you, as you hurt me, but I know I am every bit the inhuman monster I’ve always been accused of being. I could never harm my mate.
I hear Bellatrix’s mad cackle to my left. She is engaging Dora in a duel. Damn and blast! Rushing to her aid I manage to take out several Death Eaters on the way. As each one falls I wonder and dread the possibility of it being you.
I suddenly catch your scent on the breeze. My inattention lasts barely a moment, yet it’s enough that I falter and poor Dora, still not quite herself after giving birth, is felled by her own Aunt’s hand.
I was so close to saving her. She might not have held my heart, but she was dear to me. She and Teddy were the only things that kept me going. Numbness consumes me as I realize I have failed to protect the only person in the world who truly loved me.
Shock does not have long to reign as the next thing I feel is one of the Death Eaters I thought I’d disabled fires at me from behind. The last thing I see is the ground rushing up to meet me in a green flash and the last thing I hear is the voice I still love so dearly, screaming my name as if his heart is breaking.
…
And this is how you remind me This is how you remind me Of what I really am This is how you remind me Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken For handing you a heart worth breaking And I've been wrong, I've been down, Been to the bottom of every bottle these five words in my head scream "are we having fun yet?"
…
it's not like you didn't know that I said I love you and I swear I still do And it must have been so bad, Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
And this is how you remind me This is how you remind me Of what I really am This is how you remind me Of what I really am