The lion, the wizard and the wardrobe Title:The lion, the wizard and the wardrobe Author:shoeboxes4all Pairing: Severus/Harry Rating: PG13 probably on account of the knob jokes Word Count: 814-ish Warnings: none really. Knob jokes ahoy. Summary: A comedy skit in which Harry gets wood and Snape is evil… A/N: There is no lion, unless you count the doofus Gryffindor. I started this for snow’s humorous drabble challenge, then I was going to finish it for the anniversary challenge. Better late than never I guess. Contains the prompt, “Severus stared blankly at his lover and said, "No, there's not a potion for that.” Cheerled and betad by atypicalsnowman. Thanks lovey, you are the best :mwah: ObDisclaimer - These characters are not mine, they were created by someone else. I just give them stuff to do in their spare time.
Severus Snape perused the contents of his armoire. Long fingers brushed through the rows of identical—to the casual observer, at least—robes looking for the perfect one. Hmm, he thought, choices, choices, greeny black, bluey black, perhaps browny black? Ah yes, the old classic, blacky black.
Removing the chosen garment, he shut the cabinet door. A quiet whimper came from somewhere. Frowning, he opened the door and looked inside. A gasp this time.
“What have we here?” he pondered, pushing the door shut. Another whimper, louder this time. He knew that voice.
The wardrobe groaned. “Severus, please, let go of the knob.”
Snape dropped the door knob as if he’d been stung.
“Harry? Dear, oh dear, what have you gotten yourself into this time?” For the first time in his life Severus Snape let out a guffaw-snort. Desperately stifling the urge to howl with laughter, and demonstrating the cruel streak he was so famous for, he grabbed and twisted the door knob.
“Owwww! Was that really necessary?” said the wardrobe.
Smirking, he asked, “How on Merlin’s green earth have you managed to get in this mess?”
“Would you believe I was looking for Christmas presents?”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he said, “It is August, Harry. The height of summer and months until Yule so what do you think? Come on, what were you really doing?”
“I was going to surprise you,” wardrobe!Harry whispered. “I was reading a Muggle magazine and they said that long-term relationships sometimes need shaking up. I did some more research and discovered that jumping off wardrobes and swinging from chandeliers can spice a relationship up. I was trying it out for size when it sucked me in! Severus, I’m in the wood!”
Trying very hard to swallow another guffaw at the unintended innuendo, Severus willed an impassive expression onto his face. Pinching the bridge of his nose again, he feigned exasperation.
“Did you not think to research the more classical ways to revive a flagging sexual relationship—like the Kama Sutra or the Perfumed Garden—instead of believing ridiculous 1970s Muggle innuendo with no basis in fact? Our sex life is hardly flagging in the first place. We do it twice a day and three times on Sundays.”
“Oh…” said wardrobe!Harry, crestfallen. The door knob seemed to droop a little.
“Unless you feel differently?” Severus had a nasty thought and started to prepare himself mentally for the rejection that would surely follow. Thrown over by a wardrobe. He’d never live it down. “You don’t, do you?”
“No. Oh. No! I just wanted to surprise you, is all. Can you help me get out? Watch this. Accio wand!” Harry’s wand clattered against the little metal handles on the bottom drawer of the armoire (for twas a gentleman’s wardrobe with drawers at the base). The handles wiggled ineffectively. “See, I can’t reach.”
Severus stared blankly at the wardrobe, and said, "No, there's not a potion for that. I suppose I could whip up some polish to keep you in tip top condition while you work out a way to extricate yourself."
“Stop messing about. You can do more magic than potions. Help me, Severus. I’ll be very very grateful.” If the wardrobe had had eyebrows, it would have waggled them at this point.
Severus’ eyebrow, however, was practically touching the ceiling. He fingered the knob thoughtfully which perked up no end.
“Mis-ter Potter, I can assure you that I am not messing about, as you so eloquently put it. There IS no potion to cure your predicament, and no spell that even I, with my extensive knowledge of dark magic, can think of. You defeated a dark lord with a simple Expelliarmus so I am sure you can disentangle yourself from a piece of wood.”
“Oh, oh,” The wardrobe sighed. “Hey! Get your hands off my knob! Stop torturing me, you evil git! I need help here.”
“Harry, I have made myself clear. I cannot help you. Now if you don’t mind, I do have somewhere to be this evening.”
The wardrobe watched as Severus changed into his best blacky black robe, and made his way towards the door, giving the knob a little tweak on his way past.
“Severus, please.” The wardrobe was very close to whining. “Don’t leave me in my hour of need. I’ve got splinters everywhere.”
Ignoring the whinging furniture, Severus exited the room. As he walked down the hallway he twitched his wand and muttered something that might have sounded like Finite Incantatum.
The wardrobe spat out a spluttering and very naked Harry Potter.
“Ooof! Thank you.” Harry called, as his bare butt skidded across the rug.
“You are most welcome. While I am out, why don’t you think on about just how grateful you are. I will return in one hour. And put some clothes on. I think you will find them in the wardrobe.”