It’s in my blood and I stain every heart that I used to heal Who: Caspian & Laura What: Dropping of Caitlyn for the weekend When: March 1 - early evening Where: Cas’ flat, Hell’s Kitchen, New York Rating: Mid - mild language; fighting Status: Complete
“I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need, but it’s never gonna come the way I am. Could I change it if I wanted, could I rise above the flood? Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?”
It was his weekend to have Caitlyn.
Caspian looked forward to these weekends - coveted stretches of days which went far too quickly. He picked her up from dance class, school, when Laura was not able to get to her and he as he parted from the girl even then he was left with a sense of yearning. All of those years as he watched her grow from an infant he craved more time. In court he wanted to fight for more - moretimemoreanythingpleasedonttakeher - but even back then he knew Laura had needed Caitlyn. She had needed the girl in a way he never could.
He had been fooled once into thinking things would work, that they’d all be fine living as a small family in a big world but that dream had turned into a nightmare.
Even now he still struggled from the aftershock. The only real light in his life was that girl. Moments were spent tidying his flat so that it was pristine for Caitlyn. He did her laundry, vacuumed her room, the kitchen was spotless. His daughter had a penchant for culinary art - the cooking she had gleaned from Caspian and the baking had come from her mother. He had taught Caitlyn to prepare meals at a young age in case she had been with him on an evening that might not play out the way he wanted it to. In his line of work you were always available though he was adamant about not meeting clients when he was with his daughter. He sent his second in command in those circumstances, he didn’t advertise where he lived, nor did he have social media.
Protecting his daughter was of the utmost importance.
He had just finished lighting a lemon scented candle when the knock upon the door came. Right on time as always. Caspian didn’t need to touch their minds to know who was just beyond the door, Laura’s knock had not changed much over the years and Caitlyn was nearly squealing with delight.
A few steps and he reached the door, pulling it open. Before he could say anything the girl had thrown herself upon him, those arms wrapped about his frame as best as they could reach. He exhaled, beamed radiantly, and peered down at his daughter. His left hand ruffled through her hair having come from the doorknob. Eyes lifting he found Laura’s gaze and he held it silently.
While Caitlyn and Cas looked forward to this time together, it was torture for Laura. It wasn’t that she didn’t want them to be together, to the contrary, it warmed her heart to see her daughter so happy to be around her father. But it was also a consistent reminder that Caitlyn had a broken family, that she had to go back and forth because the adults who she trusted most couldn’t figure things out any better way.
It was supposed to get easier as time went by. It was supposed to be a routine, it was supposed to be easier to play nice, to adjust, to adapt. But Laura was finding it increasingly difficult each time she had to drop Caitlyn off with Cas. On the outside, nothing had changed. Caitlyn was always this excited to see her father, he was always just as happy to have her, and undoubtedly wanted more time with her. But lately, it was more painful for Laura. There was this steadily creeping fear that this might be the last time, that when she went to pick Caitlyn up they may not be there. One of these days she was going to lose them both, and there was nothing she could do about it. That was terrifying.
When the door opened, Laura tensed, her whole demeanor shifting to distant and cold. And it was purposeful. It was too difficult to watch her child walk away from her, too difficult to turn and walk away. And it got to the point where now it was too difficult to even look Caspian in the eye. There was a time, so long ago now, when Laura felt like she couldn’t breathe until she saw his face. Now she barely looked in his direction.
Clearing her throat, she purposely interrupted their moment together and quickly broke eye contact. Handing over Caitlyn’s bag to Cas, Laura kept her gaze diverted to some random spot on the wall approximate enough to his face. “She’s got a recital next month. I put the information about it in her bag. I called your parents and left them a message inviting them as well.” There was no hello, how are you, no pleasantries or small talk. That was too hard. This was the best she could do, and she wasn’t even doing this all that well.
He could have read her mind if he had wanted to, gotten to the bottom of what had happened to them all of those years ago. But in spite of everything he could not bring himself to violate her trust and interrupt her privacy. Angela would have given him a look had he mentioned being so intrusive to a woman in that sort of a capacity - or maybe she wouldn’t care but lately Angel had been all about equality as long as you had abilities and you weren’t opposed to her ideals. The bottom line was he respected Laura even after all of this time.
The look on her face, what he could see of it anyway, told him enough. A roll of his eyes at her behavior and Caspian drew back from those small arms. “In you go, dear,” went to Caitlyn, the girl darting into the apartment around him.
His eyes lifted to Laura again, already bored with the interaction. It wasn’t quite a yank as he took the bag from the woman though it was close.
“Aren’t you thoughtful.”
Formal greeting had flown out the window ages ago. He didn’t care much for small talk or even inviting Laura in. It hurt to look at her. Every single time she was there, looking at him like that, he felt the knife twisting in his heart that she had stabbed him with. The pain of considering what they could have been together, the direction their lives would have taken was challenging. Not thinking about it was easier, much easier when he couldn’t smell her perfume.
“Da!”
Caspian turned to peer over a shoulder, his daughter’s smile making his own appear again from where it had faded into the stoic expression he took naturally. “What is it, love?” He found himself turning around to face Caitlyn, moving away from the door enough that Laura could get in if she wanted to. Caitlyn’s bag was set gently into a chair.
“Can I make popcorn?”
Caspian nodded at her and she twirled around as a ballerina might before the sound of pattering feet could be heard in the scramble toward the kitchen.
Once he had hold of the bag, Laura’s hand dropped, doing her very best to avoid even the chance of touching his skin again. As Caitlyn went off inside, Laura’s facade cracked briefly. Her face fell, pain sparking briefly in her eyes as the little girl went off like her mother wasn’t even there. That stung, more than the sarcasm she thought she heard in his tone.
Lips parted to protest, to argue. But that’s how it always went. And did it ever make anything better in the end. She was tired of it, and her patience with this little game they played was wearing thin. She lowered her voice a bit, but it still had a dry, sharp edge to it. “If you want me to stay home, I will. You and your parents go to the recital. I’ll ask one of the teachers or someone to record it for me.”
Hearing Caitlyn’s voice again, Laura looked hopefully in that direction. Maybe she was coming back to talk to her, to say goodbye at least. But she wasn’t calling for her. Why wasn’t she calling for her? She was happy here, she didn’t need or want her here… Laura shook her head to try to dispel all those troubling thoughts. So for now she just stood and waited, for something to tell her it was her time to go.
Those words stung.
Caspian paused. He pivoted around on the balls of his feet to face Laura where she lingered like a ghost in the doorway. The expression on his face nearly mimicked her own inner feelings - he was utterly done with all of the fighting, the blaming, the coldness. That was all they seemed to have in common lately other than the eight-year-old standing in his kitchen.
“You think that’s what Caitlyn wants, then? For her mother to not be there at her recital?” His words were cold, sharp.
Caitlyn peered around the wall of the kitchen at the pair of them. “Mummy? Aren’t you coming in for popcorn?”
He didn’t acknowledge his daughter yet. This was not something he was going to let lay there without being prodded. “Why the bloody hell would you even consider that as a viable option, Laura?” It was harsher than he had intended, that snap of words. Why she grated on the last of his nerves so badly he didn’t know but he hated it regardless.
“Mummy? Da?”
Worry began to flood into his mind. Caspian exhaled and closed his eyes, fingers lifted to the bridge of his nose to squeeze there lightly. “Ay, your mother is invited in to have popcorn if she would like.”
The worry began to recede and Caitlyn was waving Laura inside with a bright grin.
Laura hadn’t moved an inch. But his words pushed her further and further away with each angry syllable. She closed herself off the most she possibly could. Her eyes, moved to stare at the floor, her jaw tensed tightly, her back straighter, on defense. But she said nothing. If she said anything, she knew her voice would shake and betray her. But if she said nothing at all, he couldn’t get any closer to the answers he wanted. He couldn’t win and break her. At least no more than she was already broken.
Shifting her attention to Caitlyn immediately, Laura shook her head a little. “I’d love to, but I should get going soon, I have to work tonight. Besides, this is your special time with dad, I don’t want to interrupt.” Her voice was gentler now, and sincere. She couldn’t lie to that little girl, not even if her life depended on it.
And for a moment, when she and her daughter made eye contact, Laura was herself again. Her real self, the person she had found inside herself when she met Caspian. The woman she wanted to be, happy and confident and strong. Just as quickly, she was gone. The shadow of herself returned, slowly crossing her arms over her chest and her face turning just slightly to Caspian. “If she needs anything, all she has to do is call.”
Lowering his hand to his side Caspian opened his eyes. He watched her as she stood there. Where had they gone so wrong? Once he’d been over the moon for her and only her and now …
His eyes narrowed, eyebrows furrowed. “I’ll telephone if she needs you.” Realistically Caitlyn would call if anything was needed unless there was an absolute emergency.
“Okay mummy,” Caitlyn managed, moving past Caspian to her mother. Small arms wound around Laura in a hug. “Goodbye! Popcorn next time!”
“Come now, love. The popcorn should be ready in a moment.” The popping noises began to grow noisy, the smell was inviting. Caitlyn smiled, pulled back from her mother and waved.
That hurt, more than she expected. Maybe more than he meant. But given the look on his face, Laura was sure Caspian intended it. Maybe even enjoyed it. Swallowing hard, her eyes finally, briefly met his.
When Caitlyn moved back to her, Laura smiled and crouched down to give her a tight hug, burying her face in the girl’s hair. “Next time. Be good, as you always are. I’ll miss you, baby.”
Just when Laura was working up the courage to let her go, Caspian urged Caitlyn back inside. Letting the child wriggle out of her arms to go, Laura gave her a small, half-hearted wave but didn’t stand. “I love you. I’ll see you soon.” And then she was gone, off to her adventures of popcorn and fun plans.
Brightly Caitlyn looked at her mother. “I will, mummy! I’ll miss you too but I’ll see you soon,” she giggled. Gentle, loving kisses peppered Laura’s cheeks. She loved the scent of her mother’s skin, her hair.
With a wave the girl was gone and back into the apartment. “Love you, mummy!”
It hurt Cas to see Laura like that. Even hiding behind harsh words and feigned disapproval didn’t make anything feel any better between them.
Against his better judgement he moved forward, stepping up to Laura, hands extended down to her. “I’ll keep her safe, I promise,” he breathed, throwing the towel in for a change. He hated fighting with Laura, loathed the way he knew he made her feel. Once upon a time pain on her face, sadness in her heart, distress upset him. She had deserved nothing but happiness and there was that ever hanging dark cloud over the both of them, enough to blot out the sky, the sun.
Laura’s throat burned with things she couldn’t say and tears she wouldn’t let fall. When Cas approached, Laura stood quickly, on the defensive again. But when he spoke, she relaxed, just slightly. Taking a deep breath, she nodded, her voice barely a whisper. “I know you will. You always do. Thank you.”
Laura was too tired to fight, too drained emotionally to keep at this circle they’d nearly perfected. One would start, say something vague, typically meant to be harmless, and things would escalate from there. They couldn’t seem to shake the pattern, but at least they both seemed to be growing weary of it by now.
As she stood a step back was taken to give her ample space. Extended hands fell and he watched her stand there. That stoicism faded into a frown. He didn’t like to see her this way, never had, and yet time and time again they did this to each other. His daughter’s mind was a trove of things, thoughts and emotions, and while he didn’t pry sometimes it was loud enough that sneaking a peek didn’t have to be considered. It was near yelling.
“You don’t have to thank me. She’s more precious than anything in this world, you know I’d give my life for hers. There would never be a question.” Even if Chrysalis was hunting him down for treason he would spend his dying moments protecting Caitlyn.
Sighing softly, he nodded at Laura. “I’ll have her phone before bed, FaceTime even. She will want to say goodnight to you.”
He was no spring chicken. Worrying about what Laura was up to was an old hat and his priorities these last years had festered into something new all together. And entertaining an old feud took energy out of him necessary for other things.
Without a farewell as per usual in this dance, Caspian turned and made his way back into the flat to dive into the evening.
“Thank you.” Laura sighed, not in relief but in acceptance. She knew he didn’t have to offer that, there had been times they’d slammed doors in each other’s faces. Separating this way was better than other times. But it was never easy, it never would be. There was too much between them, and they both cared too much about Caitlyn to give up and walk away for good.
Laura had begun to say something more, but it was too late. He’d turned to go back to Caitlyn, and she could already hear the little girl chatting excitedly. The door closed and Laura was left standing there, alone. Empty.
She stood there longer than necessary, and contemplated the same thing she did every time. Maybe she’d just wait there, outside his door, until it was time to take Caitlyn back to her home. When they’d first begun this toxic situation, she’d done that. More than once she did nothing but sit outside and wait until she could hold her child again.
But now, she had to walk away. She scheduled her time with work, and distractions, and occasional drinking, which never ended well. But it made the time pass faster, and sometimes it helped her forget how much she hated this part of her life. Raking her hand back through her hair, she hesitated a moment longer before turning and walking away, filled with regret.