After the spell was completed and Angel woke up from the recurring nightmare that was his very long life, he hadn’t wanted to face anyone. A handful of people had stopped by to check to see if he needed anything, and Fred had come by to see him. She’d been her usual self, but he was hardly himself yet. It didn’t matter how often it happened or how short the soul was gone, Angel could never really jump right back into things afterwards. Sometimes he’d had to suck it up to get the job done, but his thoughts were scattered.
This time, he was able to use the excuse that he had to clear a few things with the agents and people in charge before he was officially released. It wasn’t entirely untrue, but he had extended the time a little while longer than probably necessary. He simply needed and wanted some time to gather himself. Angelus’ presence always left an impression.
Angel had just finished discussing a handful of things with one of the directors and returned to the room they’d let him use for himself after the spell. He was gathering up the very few personal effects he had with him when he heard a light tap at the door. The door was still opened, but he turned to see someone he remembered being there during the spell. Some of it still wasn’t completely clear.
“Hey,” he said. “Please come in.”
John couldn’t compare. Oh he’d let a demon in. But it hadn’t been him. It had been that thing. In this case...it was just who Angel was. Deep down. But he’d been given a chance and he’d been using it to atone and John Constantine of all people couldn’t fault him for that. And he’d wanted to meet him. He’d actually knocked rather than making himself known with a lighter click and a breath of smoke. Though that did follow.
“You go by Angel normally, yeah? I don’t know if we officially met but I’m John Constantine, and I led the team that gave you back that battered and bruised soul of yours.”
He felt like he needed to explain why he’d left the Romani curse in place. There was a reasonably sized chunk of nervousness involved. He’d crossed the Romani before and he hadn’t been about to do it again. Mostly though, the curse was serving a purpose. It was a punishment and by all accounts it was deserved.
“What’s the plan now?”
“Yeah, Angel is fine,” he replied. It was only a small difference to the name, but both carried a lot of weight with each alter ego. “It's good to officially meet you, John. And thank you for what you did with the spell. As strange as it is being here in the first place, it's good to know that there's someone else out there that can help keep me in check. I don't think he believed the spell could be completed without the help of the usual tools and spell.” Angel wasn't sure if they had the Orb or not, but he hadn't seen Willow around anywhere.
At his question about what next, Angel shook his head and laughed lightly. “I'm not sure. I meet with the Admiral and a few others later this afternoon to see if I've got any info about these other agents that they can use. I don't know a lot, but I hope I can give them something to help. After that, and whether or not I'm staying or leaving, I'm not sure.”
A part of him did want to stay and help, but he wasn't sure if he belonged here or not. People he cared about were all here, including Fred who he never thought he'd see again without blue hair and skin, but he wasn't sure if this was his home. This wasn't his mission. “What was it that made you stay on here? If you don't mind me asking.”
“Did what needed doing,” He said simply. “And I didn't do it alone.” That being said he was grateful they'd worked it out before any real damage was done. And it was nice to meet him under better and much less ranty circumstances.
“Tell the truth you're not the only one with a need to atone. I've a lot to make up for and so I do what it takes, walk that darker path so no one else needs to face what I do.. And I stay because… fate dragged me here and it must be for a reason. Maybe it's like that with you too. Maybe you came here as your evil twin to give us insight into COS? Maybe you're meant to stay.”
John didn't believe in coincidence. He'd seen too much for that.
“Way I see it, it's everyone's fight. But no one's gonna bitch if you decide it's not for you.”
He paused for a moment.
“The curse the Romani put on you was very specific. And I need you to know it's intact. Caveats and all. I didn't even try to alter it. They had their reasons and apart from anything they're not to be toyed with. But mostly, it was their punishment and I have no right to alter that. But I did need to square it with you.”
“Still,” Angel started. “Thank you for your part. The spell felt… different in the way it was performed, but as long as it did its job? I don’t care how it happened.” Angelus was gone for the time being and that’s what mattered. There was always going to be the chance that he’d get let out of his cage again, but he wasn’t free anymore. Though, it was usually more of a ‘when’ instead of an ‘if’ he got out again.
“The curse. Yeah.” Angel wasn’t sure what he thought about the curse still being in tact. Well, technically, the soul in and of itself was the curse. The perfect happiness clause was just an aspect of it. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me. I understand, and you’re right. It’s there for a reason.” He would never be able to deny that it wasn’t there without cause.
He sighed. “I guess the fight here is everyone’s, like you said, but… it’s different. For me, I mean. I just don’t know if it’s the one I’m supposed to be actively fighting day in and day out. It’s not just about atoning because I know I’ll never be able to do that after everything. But helping people back home, it’s how I know I can make the most difference. But I’ll gladly offer over any information I might have that would be helpful about my interactions with COS.”
“It was different. Had to throw it all together but the end result is...you.” And if he did stay, John would keep an eye on him, make sure he didn’t go that way again, and if he did, he’d damn well pull him back again. He understood about the curse, not that he’d have cared either way but he had more respect for the man with that answer. It really was there for a reason and him knowing that boded well for the future.
The other part though. Nice in theory but John was pretty convinced it was bollocks. Or fear on the part of the vampire about the people he had hurt.
“We’d be glad for anything you can give us about COS but don’t just assume you’re not needed here. Plus, people say no time passes, so, the people you help here, this fight, it doesn’t mean you don't get to continue your fight at home. There’s no handbook for atonement, trust me. End of the day, what you do is up to you. But make it your decision and not what you think you’re supposed to do. What do you want to do?”
"To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to do yet," Angel said. "I think I need to speak with the others I know from home first." He wasn't going to let them make the decision for him, but he still wanted to speak with them before he made his decision on whether or not he was going to stay. Hearing their reasons might give him a perspective that he hadn't thought of yet. Plus, they were the ones that knew him best and knew why he still felt the pull to go home and fight the fight there.
Angel rubbed the back of his neck with his palm. "It's a lot to take in. Being here, I mean. I know that I was here for a while as Angelus, but afterwards it's always like I'm coming out of a very realistic dream. Sometimes it takes some time to focus and really wake up again."
Though, as bad as it was and as much as he never liked losing his soul, Angel had to admit that it could have been much worse. Much worse. If he'd hurt Fred, Buffy, Faith, or any of their children then he never would have forgiven himself. Hurting others that he didn't know was bad enough.
“I’ve been possessed before. It’s not the same but, doing all that damage and knowing, I don’t know, do you know what he does when you’re him?” John thought back to possibly his second most reckless idea ever and how close he’d come to damnation. He was going to hell in the end anyway but he had every intention of taking as many of the bastard demons as he could to hell in the interim.
He’d been caught before he did anything he couldn’t take back at least. So that was something he could live with. If he stayed.
“Get the opinions you need. Figure out what’s best for you, but don’t leave because you think people want you to. Make it your decision, yeah?”
“I don’t know what’s happening at the time it’s happening, but when the soul comes back, after a few moments, it all comes back. Everything that happened, I remember.” And he remembered for decades and centuries to come. Even sins that he committed decades ago would still sometimes pop up into his memory from time to time. That was the purpose of the curse. Angelus would always be with him one way or another.
Angel knew that it could have been a lot worse. He’d killed people, but he hadn’t killed or hurt the people he cared for most. Or their daughters. How strange it was to him to think that both Fred and Faith were mothers. One more so than the other, but he wasn’t going to admit that to anyone out loud even if she was probably already thinking it anyway.
He nodded. “Yeah, it’ll be my decision.” He knew that Fred would probably want him to stay on a while but would understand if he didn’t. He just wasn’t sure if he could stay when he knew what needed to be done back home. Even if technically no one would miss him there, according to what he’d been told. No one even knew he’d be gone. Still, his thoughts would always be back on the people in LA.
“I guess I probably should stop hiding in here and go face the music, huh?”
“Hiding doesn’t solve anything. Go face your music and then decide. But for what it’s worth, you’d be an asset here, and I’d like to buy this non psychopath version of you a beer sometime, get to know who you really are. And I’m sure I’m not the only one.”
He didn’t know what the vampire would do, but he deserved to know that he wouldn't be despised for what his other self had done. People could be bloody saps sometimes.
“Either way mate, good luck.”
With a nod, John left the vampire to his thoughts.