Gwen Cooper was dead. Jack told him on the Network. Katie Bell was dead. The authorities of Atlantis let him because she was his flatmate. There were other fatalities, others who were injured, but these names stuck out for the Doctor because of his close connection to them. And it was most poignant due to them being the first in this war they’d been called to fight.
A darkness fell upon the Doctor that went far beyond brooding. From the rooftop of Tower #2, he stood at the edge, looking over the city, hands clasped behind his back. The wind was cold, but he didn’t mind the weather. He wasn’t so lost in his thoughts that he couldn’t hear the arrival of somebody else, and he briefly glanced over his shoulder to see who it was. Clara. The Doctor scowled and turned away, speaking curtly, “What do you want?”
~*~
Clara wasn’t part of the mission, so she didn’t know much about what was going on, just the weird stuff that had been happening in the city. She had just returned to the towers when something deep down told her to look up. And she did. At first she wasn’t sure what she saw on top of one of the towers, but the more she looked the more she wondered if she had really seen somebody up there, standing on the edge. There was only one way to see. She quickly made her way inside of the building and to the rooftop. Whoever was up there, she hoped they didn’t slip and fall or worse, jump.
Once she was on the roof, she slowly starting to walk towards the person and it didn’t take long for her to figure out who it was. “Doctor?” Why was he up here and why was he being careless? “I saw you from the ground. Well, I didn’t know it was you. I just saw somebody and wanted to come up here.” The tone in his voice bugged her too. She knew what it meant. “What’s wrong?”
~*~
“What’s wrong?” The Doctor turned to face her and repeated with a snarl, “What’s wrong?! I’ll tell you what’s wrong! I am. I let myself go off guard with all the socializing and distractions of this damned city! I’d decided to be lax, when we were told right from the start we’d be fighting a war!” His face contorted with anger, directed not at Clara, but at himself - she just happened to be there to bear the brunt. “I should’ve been more diligent, doing more to find out what was going on with this war, how involve myself. Now what’s happened? This mission that all these field agents went on? They were sent into a battle! We weren’t even bothered to be told. Jack contacted me… he was wounded, but he’s a Fixed Moment in Time, he can’t be killed. But Gwen Cooper, she was killed! My flatmate, Katie Bell, killed! Kirk, grievously injured. All while I played in the snow and wasted time on the Network!”
~*~
Clara had listened to the Doctor blaming himself for things that he couldn’t control. This was not at all surprising to her. “You can’t blame yourself.” It might fall on deaf ears, but she had to say it because it was true. The Doctor didn’t bring them all here. The Atlantians did. It was their fault. “I’m sorry about what happened to everyone, but you still can’t blame yourself.” A lot of them had forgotten the fact that they had been brought there because of a war, but it was easy to forget because most of them hadn’t been put into positions that had anything to do with it. Most had been given normal, everyday jobs. “Let’s go inside and talk, huh?” Before you somehow slip and fall, she thought to herself.
~*~
The well intended attempt to pacify the Doctor, along with Clara’s request to come inside, fell on deaf ears; he was too agitated to be reasoned with. “If only I had been there, I could’ve prevented it!” The Doctor was 100% convinced of this. “I’ve been in wars, fought battles on such scales that you have no idea!” His mood suddenly became even more sinister as he roared into the night, “Well, if it’s a war they want, it’s a war they’ll get! I won’t even need the TARDIS. They’ll learn why my enemies have called me the Oncoming Storm!”
~*~ Clara knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Nothing is when the Doctor is involved. “But you weren’t! You weren’t chosen to be there. They were. And I’m sure they knew how dangerous it could be, but they still went because they knew that it was right to do so.” She could only guess, but right now what she said was something she thought the Doctor needed to hear. “But I do know,” she said under her breathe. Her eyes went wide as he yelled out into the night. “Don’t do this! You really don’t want to do this. Nothing good will come out of it.”
~*~
It didn’t matter whether or not he was chosen - the Doctor believed that had he really exerted himself, he would’ve been able to join the rest of the Field Agents on the mission, or maybe he could’ve gotten Jack to somehow sneak him along. Between his anger and guilt, he wasn’t thinking very clearly.
What Clara said next wasn’t what touched the Doctor, it was how she said it. The desperate concern in her voice cut through the cloud of his grief and made him pause. He turned around to look at her: Clara’s expression was firm, but he could see the worry she had for him in her eyes. Strange, but for somebody the Doctor never traveled with, Clara gave him the same feelings as did his long-time Companions. He could read her face like a book, every expression a chapter, but that wasn’t what struck him, now.
Nothing good will come out of it, forced him to view himself from the outside, and in a flash, he realized that he was channeling the Time Lord Victorious, the Doctor at his worst. He’d slipped into the mentality without realizing, the same mentality that got him through both the Time War and the 900 years of fighting on Trenzalore. It was a mentality he despised, which he never wanted to feel again, but Atlantis had brought it back to the surface.
Shocked by this revelation, the Doctor stood motionless, his jaw slack. “Clara?” he spoke her name with a strained voice, and his body teetered dangerously close to falling off the edge of the roof.
~*~
Clara wasn’t sure she was getting through to him. It wasn’t like she could see his face since his back was to her. She could only imagine the things going through his head right now. But, no matter what those thoughts may be, she wasn’t going to let him go through with any of them. She’ll beg if she had to. Hell, she’d jump on his back if he started to leave to do whatever he might think was a good idea.
When he finally turned to look at her, she tried to hide how concerned she was, but it was getting harder by the minute. She cared. She couldn’t stop caring. This was the Doctor. Somebody she would always care for and care about.
“Oh no you don’t.” She quickly closed the gap between them, grabbed him by the arm and pulled him off of the edge. “Are you okay?” She heard the way he had said her name. Was he starting to remember? She wasn’t sure, but she wasn’t going to ask. She’d let him say so. Just in case.
~*~
The longer he looked at Clara, the more light headed the Doctor became. There was something about her, he couldn’t put his finger on, but it all seemed so familiar. Internally, the neural block in his brain was working hard to fight back the memories that wanted to push through, but the Doctor chalked it up to his emotional state.
Instead of answering, the Doctor reached over to hold Clara in an embrace, which helped steady himself. The hug served a dual purpose, since it prevented her from seeing his expression, the tears welling in his eyes. The hug lasted for a full minute, which felt like an eternity to the Doctor, and when he pulled back, he’d composed himself, though he still sounded miserable.
“I’m alright,” he said. “I went a little overboard, but I’m okay now. Damn wind in my face.” He scrubbed his hands over his eyes to hide the evidence of his tears, using the weather as an excuse. “Thank you Clara… for being here.”
~*~ “Oh. Okay.” Clara hadn’t expected the hug, but she hugged him right back. This felt like old times and she wasn’t going to let go. She’d let him pull away first. And when he did, she looked up and gave him a small smile.
“Are you sure?” He could just be saying it, but she wanted to make sure he really meant it. “It’s understandable, but next time, you feel like this find me or text me or get me on the network. Something. Anything is better than what happened.” She didn’t believe him about the wind. And she could tease him about it, but instead said, “yeah, it’s pretty bad up here.” She smiled again. “You’re welcome. Now let’s get inside and get something warm to drink.”
~*~
No, he wasn’t alright. But he was going to fake it until he was. The alternative was not acceptable. Hanging his head and averting his eyes like a beaten puppy, he nodded. “I did get a little out of hand, didn’t I? Don’t answer that.” He wrung his hands. “Something warm to drink sounds good. I could go for some hot cocoa, how about you?”
~*~
“Just a little,” she told him even if he didn’t want to hear it. “You read my mind. I was definitely thinking that hot cocoa would be the perfect thing to drink.” She grabbed a hold of his hand.” Come on, let’s get inside,” she said as she started to lead them inside.