Natasha of the goats (somebodyseyes) wrote in saveatlantisic, @ 2018-03-23 20:49:00 |
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Entry tags: | *jeanna, natasha romanoff |
Who: Natasha Romanoff
When: March 23, evening
Where: The beach
What: Reflections
Rating: PG for mention of past misdeeds, etc.
Status: Complete Narrative
Natasha had found the spot not long after she'd arrived in Atlantis last summer. She'd been jogging on the beach one morning when she'd seen something strange near the edge of the trees. Her curiosity piqued, she had jogged over and been surprised to find what appeared to be a small lean to shelter. Someone had evidently decided that they wanted a little privacy for whatever reason. It was big enough for one person to sit in and even sleep in comfortably and there was a wooden box in the corner along with a ratty blanket. Natasha stepped inside and opened the box which was empty and looked around for some clues but found nothing. Whoever had built it hadn't been there in some time it seemed and she immediately decided this would be her space. There were times when she needed to be alone, when things from the past would weigh heavily on her and she had to get away. She'd had a few of those places back home but hadn't yet found one in Atlantis. This was perfect, she decided, and over the next few months, she'd put a tarp on top to pull down in case of rain, added a sleeping bag, a decent blanket and a pillow along with a battery operated lamp. It had become her refuge and so far, no one had found it. She hoped no one ever did. When she'd talked to Steve earlier in the day about sitting somewhere and contemplating her existence, she hadn't been kidding. She'd been planning on coming here and as she pulled back the tarp, tossing it on top of the lean-to since it was a pleasant evening, she grinned, wonderingwhat he'd say if he knew that she'd hadn't been joking. After turning on the lamp, taking off her shoes and lying down on the sleeping bag, she settled in and crossed her arms behnd her head and looked up at the ceiling above her. How long had it been? She remembered it so well, Clint had come to kill her but he hadn't. He'd seen something in her that had led him to bring her in, believed that she was worth saving. She had been anything but cooperative but over time, she'd begun to change and she regretted some of the things she'd done when she was being controlled by the KGB. While she still blamed herself, she also knew that she'd had no choice, they wouldn't hesitate to kill her if she disobeyed and Natasha had a very strong survival instinct. At what point had she fallen in love with him? Natasha couldn't remember a specfic time, it was as if she'd always loved him. Perhaps it was becuase she'd never loved anyone before, she'd never expected that she'd be allowed to love anyone just as she had been forced to undergo a hysterectomy as a teenager so that she could be the perfect spy, not distracted by thoughts of a family whether real or one she desired. There had been no choice, and she understood that now even though for years she had blamed herself, tried to tell herself that she could have run, she could have fought back but the truth was that she was little more than a child and she had no place to go, nowhere to hide. Clint had understood that somehow and he'd saved her but that wasn't why she loved him. She loved him because he didn't expect anything of her, he didn't expect her to be anything other than who she was. He loved her for her, he made no demands of her and they made a good team. They were two halves of one whole but eventually things began to change. Clint wanted a normal life and Nat didn't begrudge him that. She couldn't give him that though, she didn't believe that she deserved a normal life and that she wassn't good enough for him. He had protested but she had insisted and in the end he'd met Laura and Nat had let go. She liked Laura and she made Clint happy which was all that she could have ever wanted for him. Reaching up, she fingered the arrow necklace that she wore around her neck. Clint had given it to her and she'd never taken it off even after he'd married Laura. He was still her best friend, he always would be, and wearing the necklace was her way of keeping him close. The funny thing was that she had taken it off just one time in all those years, in Syria of all places because she was undercover in a place where women didn't wear jewelry. When she'd come here, she didn't expect to ever see it again but then just before Christmas, it had appeared in her room and she'd wondered what it meant but it didn't matter, she was happy to have it back. When Clint had arrived, she'd been happier than she'd let on although Daisy knew what she was feeling. It had been wonderful having him here, almost like old times but then there had been the power surge and Laura had appeared. Nat kept trying to tell herself that it was okay, that he was happy to have her here, that maybe they could work things out but there was another part of her that still held out hope that he still remembered what they'd had together and might want that back. She hadn't talked to him very much since Laura had arrived, partly because she knew they had a lot of things to talk about but also because it hurt too damn much. It wasn't that she didn't like Laura, she did, and she adored their kids but she had never really stopped loving Clint and she doubted that she ever would. So tonight she was in her private spot, staring at a thatched ceiling and wondering what would happen next. There was no telling but one thing was for certain, she'd survive it. She always did. |