emilia spinnet (pasticcere) wrote in saveatlantisic, @ 2018-02-21 22:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, *hannahgrace, *lena, cappie, emilia spinnet |
log. cappie & em. 15th February
15th February
Cappie ✦ Emilia Spinnet
Confessions & a breakup :( Talk of accidental infidelity PG - Complete |
Cappie felt as though his soles were weighted down with lead as he trudged the long walk over to Emilia’s building. He had actually woken up in Tower One that morning. However, rather than being in Apartment 208 with his girlfriend, he’d woken up in 202, in Octavia’s bed. The walk of shame home had been one full of anxiety that he would bump into Emilia at any moment and have to have that conversation, the one he was on the way to have with her right now, before he’d mentally had chance to prepare. Even now, hours later, he had no idea what he was going to say to her or how he hoped the conversation would pan out. It was all Atlantis’ fault, anyway. Octavia was great and everything, she was a good friend and definitely the person he wanted to be with if he was ever attacked by a cannibal mass-murderer with a chainsaw again, but he felt completely sick that he’d cheated on Em with her. His relationship with Em hadn’t exactly been full of the joys of spring ever since those future kids had shown up in December and put a spanner firmly in the works but he hated cheating and cheaters. It was a horrible thing to do to someone and he would never have even dreamed of showing her such disrespect if Atlantis hadn’t got involved and messed with his mind. Lady and the Tramp? Come on! How was that fair? It was like he’d been set up for failure. But he had failed, hadn’t he? He hadn’t been able to resist the compulsion to be with Octavia, even after spending an amazing afternoon with Emilia at the zoo the other day. Okay, so he hadn’t been completely Trampified then - it had come on gradually, so much so that he’d barely realised it was happening until it was too late and he was more Tramp than Cappie - but he felt now like he should still have been able to remember enough of himself to be able to stop before things went too far. But he hadn’t been able to stop himself and now he had to go back to Tower One, and walk past the door to Octavia’s apartment that he’d been sneaking out of just a few hours ago, to go and tell his girlfriend that he’d slept with someone else. He couldn’t have felt more disappointed in himself. Eventually, arriving outside Apartment 208, he raised his fist, hesitated for a moment to take a deep breath and steel himself, then knocked on the door. He knew Emilia would be waiting for him - his message would have ensured that - so the moment of reckoning was fast approaching. He just had to man up and be honest; he owed Emilia that at the very least. It was obvious to Emilia that something was wrong, even if she wasn’t sure what. It hadn’t escaped her attention that Cappie seemed different these past few days, but several people in Atlantis did. It was one of those things that just happened here and she knew things would be back to normal soon. Opening the door quickly, that feeling of something being wrong was reinforced when she got a look at his face. She ushered him inside before closing the door behind them and concern was written all over her face. “What is it?” she asked him softly. Cappie felt his stomach lurch horribly as he saw Em’s face appearing behind the opening door. He sidled inside quickly, trying not to make eye contact with her, and crossed the room to put some “safe” distance between them. There was no easy way to tell her what had happened, no way to sugar coat it or make the blow softer, so he might as well just come out with it and cut short the excruciating wait. “I slept with someone else,” he replied, turning around to face her, although he was still looking somewhere around her left shoulder, rather than her eyes. He didn’t want to see the expression in them when she realised that he really was as much of a douche as he sometimes came across. “What?” Emilia was nearly speechless when those words filled the room. She knew he’d not really been himself, but at the zoo he’d still somehow seemed like Cappie. Had he already done it then? The hurt was there in her eyes, even as she questioned him. “When?” Why was what she wanted to ask, but she stopped short of asking that one. Oh shit, there it was: that pain. He knew what that felt like. He’d felt it himself when Casey had gone behind his back with Evan. He’d promised himself he’d never be that guy, but here he was. “Last night,” he said, lifting a hand to run through his hair before subconsciously messing it up again, just for something to do with with his limb. He wanted to make excuses, tell her he hadn’t been himself and that he hadn’t meant it, but that was a fucking cowardly way to try and snake out of this. He needed to grow up and own his mistake for once. “It’s why I wasn’t at the ball.” “Because you were... you weren’t yourself. You’ve been [...] different for days.” Maybe a part of her was saying it because she wanted to believe it, but she’d seen things like this before. Here with Cupid, back in Breck with people randomly falling in love, no matter who they were supposed to be with. It had seemed a lot funnier when it was Rose and Alicia publicly flirting with one another. She’d had to watch Luke go after Angelina, too, though, so it wasn’t like this was her first experience in the weird magical matchmaking, even if she’d never seen it go quite so far before. Cappie took a deep breath, lowering his head so he could look down at his sneakers. “Well, yes,” he admitted awkwardly. Trust Emilia to make the excuses for him. “I’m pretty sure I thought I was the Tramp from Lady and the Tramp… but that’s beside the point,” he added, shaking his head as though to shake off the excuse. “I should have done something to stop it before it went too far, but I never do because I always ignore my problems and just hope they’ll go away.” He paused, wondering whether he should say the thing that has really been bothering him since before Christmas, since the kids had turned up, but decided not to at that moment. One thing at a time, Cappie. One thing at a time. “But it wasn’t you. It wasn’t really you.” It still hurt, knowing what had happened. It hurt like hell, but Emilia believed what she was saying, even if it didn’t make it easy to think about him being with someone else. “It was just one of those Atlantis things.” The way she kept saying that same thing in different ways made it sound like she was clinging onto that fact for comfort. It made him feel even shittier than he already had. He’d done wrong and he’d been too much of a coward to act up when he’d sensed that things weren’t right. “Em, you gotta stop making excuses for me,” he told her, sounding almost exasperated. “You’re always making excuses for me but, this time, I fucked up and that’s on me.” Cappie turned away and paced off across the room, running his hands over his face as he tried to order the thoughts that were running through his head. “You know, maybe this happened for a reason,” he said, more quietly than before. He found that the words stuck against a painful lump in his throat but it was the thing that had been playing on his mind since he’d woken up that morning beside Octavia. What if Atlantis was trying to push home the point of which Cappie already suspected: that he and Em’s relationship was finite? It had never really been a problem to him before - he was a fly by the seat of your pants and see where it takes you kinda guy - but ever since the kids had turned up in December, it had bothered him that this relationship was at least 66.6% doomed to failure, one way or another, and that he was almost certainly going to be the reason it failed. “It did. It happened because you were being possessed by a character from a film!” she argued. “You weren’t yourself. What happened wasn’t your fault, Cappie.” She believed that. He wasn’t perfect, she knew that, but this was something she couldn’t entirely blame him for. Cappie turned around to face her, finally finding the courage to look her in the eye. “I’m not talking about that anymore,” he said, frowning. “I’m talking about the fact that we both know we’re just killing time until this relationship ends.” He sounded resigned to the fact, despite the fact that it was the first time he’d said it out loud. “That’s not true,” Emilia argued, shaking her head. “We don’t know what will happen here. We don’t know [...] anything.” Which future would be real, if any of them would be. She didn’t want to think about the one where he went home when their daughter was still very young or even the one where Casey showed up, but there was one, as she understood things, where they had still been together and happy. That meant there was a chance it could happen. Enough that she still had some hope. “We know that we both still have feelings for other people,” he countered, raising his eyebrows as though challenging her to deny the fact. That was the thing that had been bugging him all this time, the thing that the kids showing up had brought home to him. He wasn’t over Casey. He didn’t know if he would ever be over Casey. And he was pretty sure Emilia felt the same about Luke. “That doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Emilia didn’t understand why he was being like this, pushing the idea that this was temporary between them. Maybe it was or maybe it wasn’t, but neither of them knew how long they were really going to be here and she knew that for however long that was, she wanted to be with him. That had to be what mattered, more than what might happen. Damn Em and her sensible person logic. Still, although Cappie couldn’t deny that he did have strong, real feelings for Em, that didn’t negate the cloud of What Ifs hanging over their relationship, just waiting to tear them apart. “What if Casey showed up tomorrow?” he asked, probably sounding a little more vitriolic than he’d intended. “I mean, that thought must have been bugging you ever since Madison showed up. It has me. I’ve spent the last two months feeling guilty about something I haven’t even done yet.” He gave a mirthless snort. “Perhaps this whole thing was just Atlantis’ sick way of actually giving me something to feel guilty about.” “If she does, she does,” she said, managing somehow to sound more calm than she felt. “We can’t live our lives on a maybe. I can’t and I won’t. That’s not living. Whatever the future holds, I’ll face it as it comes.” How was she so calm about all this? Of course, it was Emilia, so she was bound to be calm and kind and understanding, but he didn’t understand how she could be this calm. He felt anything but. “Okay, answer me one question: me or Luke?” “I.. I don’t know. I can’t answer that, Cappie.” It was Emilia’s turn to look away. A part of her thought the choice should be easy, but it really wasn’t. She loved them both. If Luke showed up here, she honestly didn’t know what she would do. “You know I can’t answer that.” “I know,” Cappie replied sadly. He knew because would feel the same if asked to choose between Casey and Emilia. That was exactly his point. Didn’t they both deserve someone who could be certain? Could a relationship ever really work between to people who weren’t? “I guess that’s it then,” Cappie sighed after a moment, taking a few steps towards the door. “I guess there’s not really anything left to say.” He paused, though, and turned back to her. “I’m sorry you got hurt. That really was never my intention.” That’s it? Emilia stared as he walked toward the door, opening her mouth to speak, but she didn’t even know what she would say. A part of her knew it wasn’t fair, asking him not to go when she’d just admitted she couldn’t choose between him and Luke, but Luke wasn’t here and Cappie was. She thought that mattered somehow. “You don’t have to go,” she said softly when she found her voice. Cappie wished that was true but, now that everything he’d been worrying about and stewing over was out in the open, he felt like he couldn’t possibly stay. He was sure that this conversation had hurt her just as much as initially finding out he’d slept with another girl but he felt like it had needed to be said. Now, though, he just needed to get out of there, away from all the honesty and maturity and responsibility. He needed to forget for a while. Why, oh why, didn’t Atlantis have a good strip club? “No…” he replied, shaking his head slowly. “You deserve better, Em, and I wish I could be better for you but I can’t so it’s best I just go.” With a deep breath, he walked the rest of the way to the apartment door and pulled it open before looking back at her. This felt horrible. It felt like his heart was literally breaking. More than anything he just wanted to cuddle her and make all this pain go away but he knew it was too late for that so, with a last, regretful look, he left, shutting the door behind himself. |