Alex sighed and leaned into Danny’s shoulder as they sat outside the madness that was Medical ever since the attacks started. It was chilly outside, though the sun helped to make everything feel a little warmer. She looked at the light breeze that moved the leaves and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she closed her eyes.
Up until now, Alex hadn’t felt they had really been in a war. Yes, there had been missions and some people had gotten hurt, but this was real. People had died. They weren’t just sent back to their worlds, they were gone forever.
Flashbacks of her death in the arena had been haunting her. She knew it wasn’t the same. She died but it was all a trick from COS, but it had felt too real. And the nightmares she thought she had buried deep down had surfaced again.
“Sorry I’m so quiet,” she apologized quietly.
Danny has been staring absently out across the harbor, watching the golden, evening light on the rippling water. The last few days had been difficult, not just because they’d been physically demanding, which they had, especially so soon after healing from his injuries, but because they’d brought back memories of the attack on Pearl Harbor.
It hadn’t so much been the attack itself as the aftermath, which had made Danny feel like he was living through a haze of déjà vu. He’d found himself doing the same kinds of clear up tasks that he’d taken part in during the days after the raid, such as combing through the wreckage for casualties and anything that could be salvaged, mourning friends that had died, keeping it together. Even now, days later, the air still smelled heavy with ash and soot, despite the beautiful clearness of the day: a constant reminder.
They were lucky, he supposed. Although the Medical staff had been worked off their feet helping the injured, they’d only suffered a few fatalities, compared with the thousands at Pearl. While Danny knew that it didn’t make it any easier for the people who’d had someone they loved taken, didn’t make it easier for him to know that Octavia - his Breckentale childhood friend - was gone, the fight wasn’t lost. They’d been dealt a hard blow but they still had the capacity to win this war.
Danny has checked in with both Betty and Alex as soon as he’d been able to after the attack and had been stopping by fairly regularly ever since, whenever his duties brought him by Medical. Both of them had been working almost solidly since Friday night and Danny thought it was a miracle that he’d managed to catch Alex during a quiet moment. Two cups of coffee sat beside them on the bench, untouched as of yet. His hands were clasped in his lap, his cheek resting against the top of her head, his eyes glazed and unseeing until her voice brought him back to the present.
“It’s okay,” he replied, lowering his chin to glance down at her. “Quiet must be nice after the weekend you’ve had.”
“Yeah.” She looked up at him and brushed her nose against his chin. She didn’t know where she would’ve been at that moment if it wasn’t for Danny. He brought her peace and quiet to her soul, and she desperately needed that right now.
She looked down at her hands, where her fingers had been absently twirling her ring on her finger without even realizing. “I died... In the arena,” she admitted for the first time out loud to someone who wasn’t her grandfather or the shrink. “I’ve been having flashbacks of it every time I close my eyes ever since the first attack.” Her voice was quiet, almost weak.
Danny pulled his head back a little to get a better view of her face, wanting to make sure he was understanding her meaning. Alex had mentioned the arena before and he’d got the impression then that there was more to the story. He supposed this was it, the ‘more’. His lips parted, although he didn’t know what to say, so he moved his arm to wrap it gently around her in silent sympathy.
“I get that too,” he told her, after a long moment. “The flashbacks.” It was something he’d been living with since he’d arrived the first time and, while he’d learned to cope with some of the symptoms, he understood how hard it was, how scary, especially the first time it happened. The fact that Alex had been able to carry on with her duties at Medical at all was, frankly, heroic.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, uncertainly.
She leaned more into him when he wrapped his arm around her, feeling the comfort his presence and physical contact gave her. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I... I’m scared it’ll happen again, and this time I won’t wake up in Medical thinking it was just a bad dream.” She knew it was a normal fear, being scared of death, but this battle was making it feel more real, more of a possibility.
“How do you do it, deal with it?” she asked, looking up at him.
“The flashbacks?” he asked, lifting his eyebrows. “You just breath through them. I list things around me, focus on the moment I’m in, rather than the one that’s trying to take over.” It was a technique his psychiatrists had taught him as a way of coping. Strong smells and other distractions helped too, apparently, although all he’d been able to smell during the Housing attack had been smoke and sweat and gunpowder, which had only served to remind him of that night in China, his last night on Earth.
“The fear that it’ll happen again…” he continued, more slowly. “I don’t know how you’re supposed to deal with that.” That was much harder to put his finger on. He didn’t know any hard and fast techniques to rely on. “I suppose I just keep reminding myself that I’m lucky to have been given another chance,” he said, looking down at her with wide, sincere eyes. “I don’t wanna waste it.”
She listened to his words, nodding lightly. Focus on the moment, list things... She could do that. It was better than trying to forget about the memory by just shutting her eyes hard and saying it was just a dream over and over again.
She wrapped one of her arms around his waist and squeezed him gently as she looked up at him. “I’m glad you got another chance... Thank you,” she said softly, her lips curling in a loving smile.
Danny couldn’t help but notice that the last week had changed the relationship he had with Alex. It didn’t feel possible that it was only seven short days since he’d been getting ready to meet her for Tango at Trocution. Some of the nervousness had gone from between them since then and, instead, there was a feeling of safety and security. Amongst the chaos, it felt good to be with Alex. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her blonde head.
“You should drink your coffee,” Danny said, picking up the cup from beside him and offering it to her. He knew that this was just a stolen moment, that it wouldn’t be long before she had to get back inside and start tending to her patients again, and he had to get back to patrolling and assisting with the clear up operation. He couldn’t deny that he was worried that she was working herself too hard but, now he knew about the flashbacks, he understood a little better why she was pushing herself; she was not giving herself time to close her eyes and let the fear set in. He also understood that anything he said wasn’t going to make a difference, at least not overnight and not while there was still so much to do in Medical, so for the meantime coffee was the best he could offer to help her through.
Alex closed her eyes when Danny pressed his lips on her forehead, her body relaxing as she allowed herself to close her eyes for a moment, knowing she wouldn’t get those flashbacks. Not when she was with him. He calmed her fears and demons down, made them disappear for as long as they were together.
Grabbing her coffee from him, she nodded and brought it to her lips. She appreciated the caffeine more than he could ever imagine. She had been living on coffee and snacks people from Atlantis had left in Medical ever since the attack started. She had fed only once. She knew she needed to feed more, but she was putting her own needs aside to help the patients and make sure they were fine. They were more important right now.
She placed her coffee next to her on the bench and snuggled closer to Danny. “I wish we could stay like this for a whole night.” She would probably get some decent and very much needed sleep if he was next to her.
Danny swallowed, trying to ignore the way his body reacted to the thought of spending a night with Alex. His face felt hot and he could feel his heart skipping enthusiastically. Perhaps the nerves he’d felt when they’d kissed the weekend before hadn’t dissipated as much as he believed they had.
“Yeah, it’s nice,” he agreed, gently stroking the top of her arm where his hand fell, his arm resting on the back of the bench. With his free hand, he picked up his own cup of coffee and took a long, drawn out sip.
Alex grabbed her coffee and sipped silently on it, focusing on Danny and how good it felt to have his arm wrapped around her and nothing else. She didn’t want to think about the flashbacks, about the war or about what was awaiting for her back in Medical. She just wanted to focus on the now.
At some point she had closed her eyes and relaxed so much against Danny she’d felt herself begin to fall asleep. She rubbed her eyes and tried to hide a yawn behind her hand. “I should go back,” she said, though she made no sign to move from where she was, safe in their little cocoon.
Danny could hear Alex’s breath slowing and becoming rhythmic. A quick glance down at her confirmed that she was on the brink of dozing off. He made sure to keep very still until she stirred naturally; she clearly needed whatever rest she could get and he was happy to be her pillow for what little time they had.
He was a little disappointed that she seemed to have roused so soon but he nodded in reply. He understood. She was needed. He knew what that sense of duty felt like; he felt it himself.
“I’ll come check on you tomorrow?” he said, a question in his tone, although he already knew that he would.
Alex reluctantly moved to sat up straight, though she didn’t want to lose the feeling of his arm around her just yet.
She nodded at his question, her lips curling into a smile. “Tomorrow,” she said, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his lips. She really didn’t want this moment to end, so she lingered in the kiss for as much as possible before pulling back.
Danny’s breath caught in his throat as Alex leaned in to kiss him and his eyes closed when he felt her lips against his. His hand floated up from her shoulder to entwine with her blonde hair, where it was pulled back in a hastily tied knot at the back of her head.
He took a deep breath as they parted, a small smile spreading across his lips. He still wasn’t used to that being something that they did and he could feel the familiar twinge of guilt at the back of his mind, in the place where he stored his memories of Evelyn. Still, he pushed it down and focused on the moment he was in - it turned out the skill was transferable.
Danny sighed then stood up from the bench and offered his hand to help Alex up too.
Every time he smiled, Alex felt her heart skipping a beat. She took his hand and stood up, though she didn’t let go to his hand just yet. She squeezed it between hers and smiled up at him. “Thank you,” she said softly. Had it not been for him coming to see her, she knew she wouldn’t have taken a break, nor she would’ve talked to anyone about the arena and what this war was making her feel. She knew she was lucky to have him in her life. Very lucky.