She hadn’t seen Cappie in person since their previous night at Trocution a couple of weeks ago when he helped her through receiving her memories. At the time, she had been so bombarded with things - from dying to Angel to Angelus - she hadn’t stopped to think what else had been upsetting her about the situation. After all, what she already had to deal with was more than enough. She’d had time now, however; time to sit and think and sort out of her feelings. Whenever she felt overwhelmed or like she could see certain images creeping back into her brain, she thought of Cappie and the time they spent drinking and talking, then dancing. She thought of how nice it felt when he curled up with her in her bed that night - above the covers, no hanky panky. It was usually when that came to mind that her spirits fell a bit as she realized something important, but not altogether surprising - it was Angel levels of nice. Sure, she’d had a slight moment of panic when she woke the next morning and he wasn’t there but she calmed herself, thinking it through rationally (well, as rationally as she could with a massive hangover) and knowing that it wasn’t the same situation she had been in before. Cappie wasn’t going to show up and hurt her, change into some soulless creep. If he had well, needless to say she was joining a nunnery.
There had been moments before when she let herself feel what she’d been feeling for a little while now, little ones that she hoped he hadn’t noticed and were mostly of the blushing variety. It always ended up the same, though - they were just friends. Like a big brother and little sister. Again and again she told herself this, even trying to make comparisons to Xander, someone she actually thought of as a brother. When that wouldn’t work, Buffy simply told herself what she thought had been the obvious - he didn’t think of her like that. She was some teenage girl with a ton of baggage, even more now than what she’d arrived in Atlantis with. What she had was nothing more than a harmless little crush that would never - could never - develop into anything. She’d actually laughed at the thought before, content with what their relationship was. He was a good guy and she cared about him beyond the physical, beyond anything romantic. She didn’t need that when it came to Cappie.
Atlantis being Atlantis, however, that contentment was not to last. She found herself texting things to him that she never would have, the logical part of her brain all but screaming at her to stop - cut her fingers off, break her device, anything. She couldn’t help herself, though, something inside her screaming just as loudly, if not moreso, to keep going. You have to tell the truth. The truth will set you free. Well, maybe that had been true in this case. He had figured out long before she did that it was Atlantis making them tell the truth and somewhere along the way she’d ended up spilling the beans, that logical part not screaming anymore but merely tsking at her. It wasn’t like she could help it! She wanted to take it back at first, take it all back but well, once again somewhere along the way he was coming over and she was a ball of nervous energy.
Buffy was already in the dress she was going to wear that night when he invited her out, both in case they decided to actually head to Trocution and to see if it would spark any more honesty from him than he was already giving. She should’ve felt a little ashamed for that fact but the truth was winning out this day and the truth was that she really didn’t care. She wanted answers more than anything, to have a real adult conversation about what they were feeling and how to deal with it. If showing a bit of leg was going to get that result for her then she certainly wasn’t above doing it.
Taking a deep breath, she looked to the door when she heard a knock at it, heading out of her bedroom and opening it up. All right, no immediate urge to jump him, he had been right about that. Well, no more urge than usual, at least, and she was able to control herself. She gave him a small but sincere smile and said, “hi” before stepping away from the doorway and opening the door further to let him walk inside.
~
Cappie was entirely certain that going to Buffy’s was a bad idea - trouble, as she would put it. This was a dangerous path to be going down, not least because she was just shy of legal. He’d always known that he was playing close to the mark, being as friendly as he was with a sixteen (newly seventeen) year old, and in the past he’d found himself reassuring numerous people, including Rebecca while he’d been dating her, that he and Buffy were ‘just friends’.
Before tonight, that had been true. Before Buffy’s text had caught him off guard, he would have been able to type ‘just friends’ to Tallie with no problem when they’d been discussing their relationship over the network. As soon as Buffy’s thoughts were out in the open, though, it had become impossible. It had altered his truth. Because the fact was that he did like Buffy more than he would just any old friend. He liked spending time with her, liked how she was a combination of pure power and fragile innocence, liked her off-the-wall sense of humor, liked how she looked up to him, to him. No one had looked up to him for a long time. It reminded him of home and he liked it. A lot.
Then there was the fact that she was gorgeous. He’d always been aware of the fact that she was attractive - he had eyes, after all - but since she’d gained her new memories something had changed. She’d become more mature over night and not just physically. He could see it in her eyes. Some of the teenage peppiness (which he could identify with and enjoy but which wasn’t something he was attracted to per se) had melted away and been replaced with something deeper.
Still, he couldn’t ignore the reasons behind that change. The memories of Angel had left her in bad shape and Cappie knew that she was hurting. Although Cappie was an expert at getting over someone by getting under someone else, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be the warm body in this scenario, not because of a sense of pride or dignity (sex was sex and he knew how to enjoy it for what it was without being at all sentimental) but because he knew he wasn’t a wise choice for her to pin her hopes on. His love life was a mess. Ever since he’d returned home for two weeks earlier in the year, his feelings, about Casey, about everything, were a complete jumble. It had broken him and Rebecca up and he was pretty sure it had stopped him from forming a meaningful connection with any of the women he’d been hooking up with since. He didn’t want his baggage to be the reason she got hurt again, not when her heart was still healing.
Cappie’s first instinct, as ever, was to ignore the problem and hope it would go away. It was why he’d told Buffy not to ask him any questions that might have incriminating answers. Mightn’t it have been better for both of them to just go on as they always had; brushing Buffy’s revelation under the rug, chalking it up to Atlantis fuckery and leaving it at that? He would have pushed for that course of action if Tallie hadn’t told him to deal with the issue. How could he ask her to go on as if nothing had ever happened when he’d as good as admitted to her that he had feelings for Buffy? He remembered the way his stomach had given a betraying leap of excitement when Tallie had asked him, naive of the situation, if he wanted to be exclusive with Buffy. No, he couldn’t just ignore the situation any more. That wouldn’t be fair on anyone.
When Buffy opened the door, Cappie returned her smile, his eyes travelling over her. He was glad he’d been forewarned about the dress otherwise he was sure his expression would have betrayed him. He wasn’t honestly sure that it wasn’t now.
“Hey,” he replied. He ran his tongue over his dry lips before walking past her into the house, careful not to touch her.
Once he was inside, he headed straight for Buffy’s bedroom. He knew it from when he’d brought her home and, as he entered, his eyes lingered on the bed where he’d held her until she’d fallen asleep. Damn. Thinking back on it now, he’d been way further into the ‘too much’ area than even he had realised.
He turned to look at Buffy, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his black jeans and feeling his new, blue shirt cuff snagging against the bracelets clustered at his wrist. Now he was here, he didn’t have a clue what to say.
“Nothing like a bit of forced honesty to get the heart pumping,” he joked, although his accompanying chuckle didn’t completely live up to Cappie’s usual brand of warm joviality. He was nervous.
~
She fought back a bigger smile when she noticed him taking extra care not to touch her as he stepped inside, biting her lip and slowly closing the door quietly behind him. If anything that was one of the reasons she liked him so much - he had always been nothing but a gentleman with her. And sure, maybe some of that was for his own self-preservation but she couldn’t deny how it made her feel. It wasn’t often that she could feel like just a regular girl, what with the slayer powers and everything, but he made her feel...normal. There was no hiding who she was from him, no pretending; but he didn’t make a big deal out of it, either. He treated her with respect and like an adult, something she yearned for just as much as living a normal, everyday high schooler’s life at times. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. Hell, she wasn’t even the same girl that showed up in Atlantis, let alone Sunnydale.
Buffy watched as he made his way to her bedroom, her heart pounding a little faster at all the thoughts that were suddenly running through her head. It only pounded more when the realization struck her that there was a very possible chance she was going to blurt those thoughts out, embarrassment already sweeping over her. Talking about feelings she could handle - talking about what was and had been on her mind when it came to other aspects of her relationship with Cappie, well...that was a different story. There had been times when she wanted to kiss him, wanted him to kiss her; and now that she knew what it felt like, she would be hard-pressed to say that she didn’t want to be with him, too. She tried to shake those thoughts from her head for the moment, though. Put them somewhere in her brain that this truthfulness couldn’t access.
Following him, she shut the door to her room behind them to avoid any interruptions and stood there facing him, standing a little awkwardly as she laughed nervously at his quip. Why did this seem so much easier through texts? When she was imagining it in her head waiting for him to arrive? Now that he was in front of her, it was so much harder. She had meant what she said - she didn’t want to get him in trouble; and yet trouble was the only thing she could possibly think of. She had been so set on talking this out, behaving like an adult and now that they were together and he was looking so, so hot...all she wanted to do was plant one on him and let him know everything he needed to through that.
She’d become adept at fighting those kinds of urges, though, between Cappie and Angel. Granted, eventually that all fell through with the latter but they’d both made a valiant effort - just the same as her and Cappie. Taking a step forward, she cleared her throat and opened her mouth, unsure what was going to end up coming out but willing to roll with it. They couldn’t just stand there staring at each other all night - that and they had to take advantage of this truth thing while it lasted, or else it may never get dealt with. And she wanted it dealt with, one way or another. “We should talk about how I have feelings for you,” was what ended up coming out, prompting her to purse her lips after the fact.
It felt good to actually say it and say it to him to boot. She wanted to leave it at just that but found herself unable to, the need to keep going overtaking her. At this point, she wasn’t entirely sure that it was the truth situation to blame. “I know, it’s really bad timing. After everything I just went through but --” Buffy swallowed hard, making the decision right then and there to just ride this train until it reached its destination - whatever that may be. “I liked you before that. And it just made me realize that...what I’m feeling, it’s real. It’s not just some stupid crush or - or a physical attraction.” She paused, gesturing to him, up and down with her hand. “Though, I mean. Duh.” Tucking her hair behind her ear, she took another step closer to him, wanting to be respectful of his own boundaries despite knowing that her own were now basically nonexistent. “I know what I feel. I’ve known what I felt.”
She swallowed again, breathing a little heavier as the words kept flooding out of her mouth, turning around and putting her back to him as she spoke, on a tear now that she found herself unable to stop. “And - and it doesn’t make sense that everything that happened with Angel happened because all I’ve wanted is you.” Turning back around to face him, she continued, “I didn’t go to bed not liking you anymore and wake up suddenly in love with him. I woke up and I still felt for you --” She took a sharp inhale of breath, suddenly wanting this train to stop, to derail, anything; but she couldn’t stop it. It was barreling down the tracks at break-neck speed and there was nothing she could do about it. “I felt for you what I remembered feeling for him. And it was so confusing. Because I’m here, right now. Living this with you.” Her shoulders dropped and she let her arms fall to her sides, helplessly. “You were still the only person I wanted to see. The only person that I knew I could talk to, that would make me feel better. And that as much as it hurt and as broken and shattered as I was...it didn’t change anything.” Buffy couldn’t help but laugh a little, looking him in the eye as she finished, “It was still you.”
~
A myriad of emotions crossed Cappie’s face as he listened to Buffy talk. There were a few moments when he’d gathered his thoughts, ready to speak, but each time Buffy had started up again and what he had been going to say dissipated again or lost relevance. His heart, too, kept rising, soaring almost, then plummeting again as the reality of the situation set in. Eventually, he let out a long breath then crossed to the bed and sank down to sit on its edge.
“I wish it wasn’t me,” he said. It hadn’t come out the way he had meant it to but it was the truth. “I don’t think I can give you what you’re looking for,” he clarified, frowning. He lifted a hand and ran it across his face before letting it drop into his lap.
“I’m not going to deny that I feel something for you too - I couldn’t, today, even if I tried - but my personal life is seven shades of fucked up. I can’t let you get dragged into that. You’d just end up getting hurt and it would be my fault because I’m supposed to be the fucking adult here.” How had he got here? How had he ended up being the one to put responsibility before pleasure?
~
Once again there was that nervous, unstoppable little laugh that came from her lips, shaking her head and moving to sit down next to him but stopping herself. Maybe the two of them on a bed together right at this very moment wasn’t the best of ideas. Instead, she moved to lean back against the dresser, hands resting on either side of her body. “Cappie, I slept with a two-hundred-plus-year-old vampire that I was stupidly in love with and made him turn evil. Really don’t think you’re winning this one when it comes to fucked up personal lives,” she stated bluntly.
Glancing down at the floor, her fingers wrapping tightly around the edge of the dresser, she continued, “What makes you think that you know what I want, anyway? I just said that I wanted you. That could mean a million different things.” She paused, once again trying to keep herself from continuing but unable to, already wincing as the words came out of her mouth, “Sure, I’d like for you to be my boyfriend but if we were just having a bunch of passionate sex, it’s not like I’d be mad about that, either.” Buffy made a face at herself and immediately put her head in her hand, closing her eyes and actually wishing she could become invisible like that girl back home had. “I - I - sorry, I can’t --” she stammered, licking her lips and moving to sit on the very end of the bed, her back to him once again.
Reaching down, she smoothed out her dress and tugged it down a little, the whole showing a little leg thing seeming a bit silly and childish now. “I wish it wasn’t you, too,” she said softly. “Not for me, but for you.” She looked over her shoulder at him and bit the inside of her lip, tucking her hair behind her ear again only to have it fall back in her face. “I want you,” she repeated, this time adding, “I just want you in my life. And if that means we have to be just friends, then I can handle that. I’m still definitely going to think about kissing you but I was doing that before, anyway.” She reached out to touch him but once again thought better of it, letting her hand fall to the mattress. “You don’t have to handle this all alone. You don’t have to be the adult, here. You’ve never treated me as anything but an equal before, don’t stop doing that now. We’re in this together.”
~
Cappie’s gaze followed Buffy as she crossed to sit on the end of the bed and he twisted his body a little to face her. When her hand moved to rest on the mattress, he reached out and covered it with his own, giving it a little squeeze. He didn’t want their friendship to end either. It was selfish, he knew. Everything she’d just told him made him think it would be easier if he stayed away, just like Octavia had done for him when he’d been in something similar to Buffy’s situation, but he’d lost so many friends since he’d been in Atlantis that he didn’t think he could bear voluntarily giving up another.
“I can’t be your boyfriend,” he said softly. “And, as amazing as I’m sure it would be, we can’t have a bunch of passionate sex either. It would be taking advantage. And I’m not saying that because of your age - that doesn’t really have anything to do with it.” He took a deep breath, already able to feel the truth bubbling up inside him, about to spill out. “It’s because I know from experience that sex stops being just sex when there are emotions involved. It wouldn’t be fair to encourage what you’re feeling for me when I’m not sure I could ever fully reciprocate it.”
He shook his head. This truth magic made everything sound so blunt and harsh. It made him feel both guilty and anxious about what was going to come next. It also made him feel an overwhelming need to explain himself.
“I really like you, Buff, and, damn, do I think you’re hot? But there’s someone at home and, well…” He paused. “I’m still in love with her.” It felt strangely cathartic to admit his lingering feelings for Casey out loud. “I know I can’t be with her in Atlantis but, as long as I know there’s a chance she might show up or that I might get sent back home, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on. Not really. And, after everything you’ve told me tonight, I couldn’t live with myself if I took advantage of you whilst knowing that about myself.”
He gave a small, mirthless laugh. “I'm starting to wish I’d come over here when you told me I was sexy and not given you the chance to keep talking. They do say ignorance is bliss, right?” Still, what had been said had been said and neither of them could take any of it back now.
~
She looked up a little when his hand covered hers, returning the squeeze he'd given her and brushing her thumb against the back of his hand. Buffy didn't want their friendship to end, either. That was the absolute last thing she wanted, which was part of the reason why she'd kept everything to herself for as long as she had. She wasn't one to stop hanging out with people if they still wanted to hang out with her - case in point, Xander Harris. She thought she'd messed up everything by not having feelings for him but here they were, still friends despite it all. Her fear had been that Cappie wouldn't want to still be friends - that her feelings would've made him uncomfortable enough to want to stay away. So, she hid it all and pretended like it was fine, tried to look at him as a brotherly figure, not expecting Atlantis to ever have a say in things.
Smiling a little as he said he couldn't be her boyfriend, she felt a sharp pain in her chest despite having expected this all along. She would've been more shocked had he thrown caution to the wind and said, yeah, let's do this. Thrilled, but shocked. Cappie was too good of a person for that, though. She could tell him until she was blue in the face that it wouldn't be taking advantage, that she had more clarity on the Angel situation now; but she couldn't deny that anything between them wouldn't simply be just sex - he was absolutely right about that. Feelings were already involved and if their friendship was the most important thing to her - and it was - then she couldn't put that at risk just because she wanted to be with him. Laughing slightly, she glanced back down at their hands and nodded. "Yeah, I don't think there's any way it could be meaningless with us."
Buffy looked up at him when he spoke of this girl back home, a little surprised by it. As he explained about it, she cursed to herself that this was really only making her like him more. She scoot over on the bed, moving to sit next to him. It was a risky move, to be so close to him after everything that had been said tonight but she trusted herself now, trusted that she would and could respect his wishes - especially now that she had a bit more understanding of why it had to be the way it was. Putting her hand to his cheek, she smiled genuinely. "Whoever she is, she's incredibly lucky. I hope she knows that." Her smile turned her a little smirk as she pushed his head to the side with her hand before letting it fall back into her lap. "You jerk, making me like you more by being in love with another girl." She let out a sigh and closed her eyes at the admission, grumbling under her breath, "This truth thing can stop anytime now."
Looking down at her lap, she scooted a little closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. "I guess it's the same for me, too. Apparently Angel doesn't stay evil forever and I don't know what that means. I don't know what he does as Angelus, if I would even still be able to love him. I never even thought about what would happen if he showed up here. I've just had this one-track mind of, oh this feels like it does with Cappie so that must be real." She looked up at him again, resting her chin on his shoulder and tilting her head to the side. "You must really, really care about this girl if you've even thought about the possibility of her coming to Atlantis or you going home and how that would affect things." She pulled away from him and moved her gaze back to her lap, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I hope things work out with you guys," she said softly - and she must have meant it, because she couldn't exactly lie right now.
She couldn't lie to herself, either and say that it didn't hurt but it was a hurt that she could deal with. She also couldn't lie and say that there wasn't a tremendous sense of relief at everything being out in the open now, too. She felt like she understood Cappie better and that played a huge role in being able to deal with the rejection - though it didn't exactly feel like a rejection. Buffy shook her head and frowned a little. "It wouldn't have mattered, it would've come out one way or another. Especially if we were in the same room together. I could barely keep it together through text, are you kidding?" Biting her lip, she said, "I regret the way I said some things...that I even said some things in the first place; but I don't regret that this came out. It needed to or else it might've started to affect our friendship and I don't want that. I'd rather have you as my friend than nothing at all."
~
Cappie let go of Buffy’s hand when she moved close to him, letting his hand rest on her knee instead. It was a familiar gesture but one that didn’t hold promise or intent, just closeness.
A rueful laugh escaped his lips when Buffy spoke about Casey knowing how lucky she was, how he must really care about her. His and Casey’s relationship had been anything but plain sailing and he’d spent a long time feeling angry at her after her brief stay in Atlantis but, after his recent trip home, he couldn’t deny the love he still felt for her. Besides, he’d seen his show. He knew that they stayed together this time at home and that they were going to leave Cyprus Rhodes to start a new life together. He knew that he had something to go back to, if he ever did decide to leave Atlantis. If he was honest, it had made staying that little bit harder this time.
Cappie nodded in agreement. It probably was better for their friendship that this had come out now, although he couldn’t help wondering what might have happened if they’d kept on growing closer without all the massive, premature declarations of feelings. Could their friendship have developed into something more? He guessed they’d never know the answer now. With a sigh, Cappie leaned in and pressed his lips to Buffy’s forehead.
~
She would likely be wondering the same thing, unbeknownst to him - what would’ve happened had this truthfulness epidemic not swept over Atlantis? Would something have just happened between them one day? And what would it mean for their friendship if it had? Buffy had to be honest with herself, forced truth or not - she didn’t have the best luck with guys. While Cappie was older, definitely not like anyone she had ever been with before, there was still that chance of the whole thing gloriously blowing up in their faces - and then what? As much as she liked him, as much as she wanted him, she didn’t want to hurt him. Her future was uncertain. For all she knew, she would wake up one day with memories of marrying Angel. If they had been together here, how would that have worked out?
Either one of them could’ve been sent back home at any minute; or the people they loved back home could show up whenever. Them being together really only served as a recipe for disaster, as much as she hated to admit it. And she wasn’t okay with being the second choice, the one he was with because the one he really wanted wasn’t there. That would always be in the back of her mind. No, she needed someone who was able to give themselves to her completely - and frankly, she wasn’t even sure that she could do the same with him, as much as she would’ve wanted to try.
She smiled a little when he kissed her forehead, eyes closing and letting out a heavy sigh. “This sucks,” she stated bluntly before opening her eyes and standing up, holding her hand out for him to take. “Which is why we should go dance. Much more of the fun, less of the suck.” Smiling a little more, Buffy gestured with her head toward the door. “I’m still game if you are.”