Clarice Fong + John Proudstar
mention of torture/gunshots | Complete
Clarice had ran to John’s bedside the very same second she was told she could do so, and hadn’t left yet. Not to eat, drink, talk to anyone… she couldn’t. After what had happened while she was away, she might never leave his side again just in case. There were no Purifiers here but she knew very well that there was danger.
Most of her body was stiff and numb from sitting in the same position for a while, and her hand was cramping up but she hadn’t let go of John’s own hand once, not even to wipe the copious tears that had made one of the staff bring her a box of tissues at some point.
“I’m so sorry,” Clarice murmured, voice coarse. She pressed her forehead against John’s hand as if to beg forgiveness. “I shouldn’t have left you. I was so scared. When I get scared I run away, it’s all I know how to do, but I shouldn’t have. I lo- I care about you too much to fuck up like this, I should know better.”
She sniffled, then huffed, “I shouldn’t have said this while you’re not awake either now that I think about it…”
“You love me,” John mumbled hoarsely, eyes still closed. He was more than a little groggy and not entirely sure he was actually awake. Whatever they were giving him had to be some good stuff, because he didn’t hurt nearly as much as he thought he should. Blinking against the bright light of the room, he squeezed Clarice’s hand and offered her a weak smile.
A sniffle that somehow managed to sound surprised was Clarice’s reaction to hearing John’s voice when she was sure he was asleep. She blushed heavily and felt all at once confused, embarrassed and relieved. Giving John a slight smile, she shrugged and wiped a tear from her eye. “Yeah, well. Yeah I do. So what?”
“So, I love you, too.” This probably wasn’t the right moment to be saying those words for really the first time, but the thing about a near death experience - even one you somehow managed to have in your sleep - was that it tended to make a lot of things pretty clear. He probably should have told her he loved her a long time ago. “How long have I been out?” he wondered aloud. It felt like he’d been sleeping for a while or at least he felt pretty rested.
Maybe it was the nerves, but John’s response made Clarice give a snivelly, sad laugh coupled with a sigh of relief. Given what she had just done, jury was still out on whether she deserved all the love, but what the hell, she was going to take it. Clarice entwined her fingers in his and kissed the back of his hand. She finally got up from her chair then, giving John a sad, apologetic smile while, pushing the hair off of his forehead. Absently, she continued rubbing her thumb over his temple “Been hours. The kids are out there, super worried about you. I got you your muffs, you seemed really overloaded. How do you feel?”
“Better,” John admitted. He was lucky that he healed fast and he wasn’t flinching at every little noise anymore. Overloaded might have been an understatement after the Purifiers had used sound to torture him during their interrogation attempts. “I knew people could get memories from home, but I didn’t know it could be so... intense.” Catching her other hand with his, he gave it a light squeeze. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, you know,” he told her. He’d heard her apology, too. “You saved me, Clarice. I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for you.”
Tearing up again, Clarice shook her head, then nodded, then pulled John’s hand up to kiss his knuckles. “If I hadn’t left they wouldn’t have gotten to you, John, I just…I should have been there. ” She closed her eyes briefly, shaking her head again in regret. “I knew it would always be bad, I think it always will be. And my first instinct, my muscle memory, the fight or flight response is flight.”
Clarice let go of John’s hand to pull the chair closer to the bed and knelt down on it, keeping close and on level with John. She leaned against the bed and took John’s hand into hers again. “But whatever happens… over there you have to know,” she laid his hand over her heart, “how I feel about you is never in question. Okay? Even though it doesn’t excuse anything I just need you to remember that.”
“Hey, no, it wasn’t your fault.” John hadn’t been happy that she’d left, but he sort of got it. Back here where he’d been living another life in a way, he could see his actions more clearly. Maybe he had made some questionable choices out of desperation. He’d needed so badly not to fail what was left of the Underground, but the truth was that he was losing. He’d already failed Lorna and Andy and the others who had left for the Inner Circle. He just desperately didn’t want to fail the rest of them, too.
“I do know, okay?” he reassured her. “No matter what happens, I hope you know how I feel about you, too. It’s not always easy for me to say it, but I don’t want you to ever doubt how much I love you.”
“Yeah, well, I sure didn’t help.” Clarice grumbled, sarcasm all over her words though she wasn’t in a mood to really joke. She looked down at him with the hint of a smile, her free hand cupping his cheek. “When you look at me sometimes it’s like nothing else exists. It’s like you’re seeing the most amazing thing in the world. I didn’t think anyone would ever look at me like that but you do. So I know. Screw all the background noise John, I know.”
Leaning down, Clarice kissed John’s forehead softly, then nuzzled him with her nose. “I love you too. Screw all the background noise.” she whispered.