Marina finished her cigarette, dropped it to the ground, and stomped it out with the heel of her shoe. Then, remembering that she was under surveillance, she reached down and picked it up before waving it in the air to show whomever was watching her that she wasn't littering, before depositing it in a nearby bin. The smirk on her face faded as she looked up at the outside of the offices where Claire Callahan worked. "Therapy", she mused, setting her shoulders and heading inside. Part of her, some part she couldn't identify, was telling her that yes, this was a good thing and yes, she needed to do it. But the rest, the part of her that was in control, didn't like the idea at all.
She opened the door and walked in, ignoring anyone calling out greetings before she reached where Claire herself office and brushed past people asking if she had an appointment. Did she care about checking in or whatever? No. "Claire knows I'm coming," is all she offered, pulling a door and walking into the room as if this was something she did every day. With the return of her smirk, she dropped herself into a seat and glanced over at Claire, priding herself on not being so cliche as to say 'What's up, Doc?'
The best part about being the resident shrink was being able to have an office that wasn't underground. Claire had been very clear that while offices and rooms underground had some holograms of windows it wasn't the same thing. Her office wasn't huge, but it had a desk in the corner, two couches facing each other by the window looking out over the sea. There were a few scattered bookcases with a mix of books, toys, coloring books and other shrink tools. On the coffee table in the middle, there were some fresh pastries and a couple of glasses of water with a full pitcher.
Claire was looking through Marina's file when she heard the door open and her two o'clock barge in.
"You are either going to count down the minutes or, you’re really happy to be here." Claire answered as she gathered up Marina's file putting it to the side and sitting up straight to look at her patient.
"In my line of work, adhering to time and schedules is rather important," retorted Marina, examining her nails and purposefully avoiding eye contact with Claire. For now. She was perfectly aware that she had requested to come in today, though, and knew that being a complete bitch about it wasn't going to earn her any favors. At the same time, she also knew that she was required to schedule sessions with a therapist, so that at least made her feel less pathetic about the whole thing.
"Whenever you're ready," she added, gesturing to the seat opposite her. "Unless you just want to talk across the room."
Noting the lack of eye contact was something that Claire filed away to think about later. She didn't respond to Marina's comment about keeping to schedules, that was important though, it was filed away next to avoiding eye contact.
Standing up Claire walked to the window and waved her hand motioning for Marina to come stand by her. Looking out at the water Claire waited a beat before speaking. "We can be extra formal, or we can forget the stereotypes of shrinks asking you how you feel every six words and the really awkward couch beds and just have a conversation. It's up to you though." She said glancing at Marina.
Marina rolled her eyes at Claire's back and got back to her feet with a Oh, it's one of those kinds of meetings look on her face. She very nearly stalked over to the window, but admittedly felt a bit less angry when looking out over the water. She wondered briefly if that was Claire's intention. Probably. Psychologists could be some pretty tricky people when they wanted to be.
"Is this the 'I want to be your friend, not your therapist' approach?" she asked, dryly. But her heart wasn't really in it. She immediately sighed and crossed her arms over her stomach. "Informal is fine."
Claire shrugged. "I thought about starting with kumbaya or the circle song but decided they both got too annoying." She responded deadpan.
Looking away from the window and to Marina, she smiled, just a little bit. "Good," clasping her hands together she smiled. "I'm in need of good coffee and a non-stale pastry. Up for a trip to Footsteps?" Claire asked watching her carefully.
Marina could appreciate some deadpan humor, but her mind wasn't really receptive to it at the moment, and thus no laugh. A bit of a tight smile, maybe. Claire had made her get up and come to the window and now she wanted to go for a walk? What kind of therapy was this supposed to be, anyway? Was she expecting thoughts to flow better when your feet were moving?
Still, good coffee and a pastry did sound good, so Marina shrugged slightly. "I guess? Is public therapy a thing?"
"You opted for non-traditional, and I've found with some patients it's better to get out of the traditional settings." Claire had a lot of house calls at home, and here almost anything went.
"If you're worried about anything we talk about getting out, it won't, whatever you say to me stays between us." Looking directly at Marina she paused for a second before looking away and heading towards the door.
Holding the door open, she motioned for Marina to head out. "So, you got here just in time for the bonfire, how'd you find it?"
Inwardly, Marina was curious as to how discussing anything in public with anyone around to hear would be anything but between just them, but she suspected there were technologies or even rituals that could accomplish that. So, she followed Claire to the door, shrugging as she did so. This was a lot of moving around already, she hadn't realized she'd been signed up for physical therapy.
"I… didn't go," was her response about the bonfire. What she left out was her brief excursion to go see what all the noise was about and the surprise hug from Julia. And the weird feeling that came with the hug. Or how it'd been bothering her ever since.
Claire led them towards the stairs and started down them as she glanced over. “Why not?” She asked with a soft tone to her voice. “Don’t get me wrong, sometimes the parties here can be very... “ she paused searching for the right word. “Strange.” Claire offered with a small tilt of her head.
“Atlantis isn’t your average kind of city, but I’m sure you have some knowledge of the unusual.” She left it open just in case Marina would share anything about anything unusual in her life.
Marina barked a laugh. "You have no idea," she responded. Whether or not she was referring to the strangeness of Atlantis or that she was used to the unusual was anybody's guess. Probably both.
She knew this wouldn't get anywhere if she didn't answer Claire's questions, though, and that was the whole point of being here. And if she didn't answer questions, she might never get off this protocol that she'd been assigned to, so really there wasn't any point in being stubborn unless it was being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn. "I didn't go because I'm not looking to make some friends and smile and try to fit in like some kind of needy bitch," she answered, shrugging one shoulder as she gripped the handrail and followed Claire down the steps.
Claire shrugged as she indicated a turn and softly said. “Shortcut.” She listened to Marina and nodded a few times making sure not to tilt her head.
“So, you don’t want to make any new friends in Atlantis? Or you don’t want to speak to the people you know from home? Or both?” Claire asked with a small shrug. “You know, wanting friends isn’t needy, it can feel that way sometimes, leaning on people, opening up, but most people like it when they feel like someone wants to share with them.”
"I don't make friends. And I don't care what most people like," answered Marina, adding a little irritation to her voice. "Friends die. Or betray you. Or disappear." She frowned at the admission, but stood by her response. If people don't get close, they can't hurt you - like they always do. She'd had enough of that in her life, between Brakebills and its students to hedge witches in New York to what she was sure would eventually happen here.
Claire could almost feel the pain, or at least at the indication of the pain. She knew people could be horrible but she also knew they could be fantastic. “It sucks to hear, but it might be the kinds of people you were becoming friends with.” She gave Marina a sad smile. “Who hurt you?” Claire added as they were about a block away from footsteps.
"Who hasn't," answered Marina, before cursing herself for answering too quickly. "Rather, I mean the type of person doesn't seem to matter." She hated that sad smile, that 'you have had a hard time, I pity you' smile. No one had any right to look down on her life and give her pity, she didn't want or deserve it. She could feel the indignation boiling up and she sighed, releasing it before it moved too far towards anger. Something was broken inside her, she just didn't know what. It was just easier to push people away now.
"How much further? I'd rather have a mouth full of bagel to avoid some of these questions."
Nodding to the door of Footsteps she paused to open the door and motioned for Marina to head to the counter. She didn’t say anything else until they both had ordered and were waiting for their orders.
“Okay, so everyone in your life is an asshole?” It was partly a statement, and partly a question.
Marina'd half expected some kind of evaluation on her order, like a chai latte and sesame seed bagel would be telling of her youth or outlook on the weather. The question she got, however, was a little surprising. "No," she answered, taking a seat to wait oh so patiently for her order to be ready. "I'm the asshole. I have to be. We all have our roles to play."
She pulled out a fresh cigarette and just held it in her fingers instead of lighting it or doing anything else with it. Just for the motion and the sensation of having it between her fingers. "Because it keeps things with people where it needs to be. Distant. Useful. It is less of a shock when they inevitably let me down."
“I don’t know a lot about your world, but unless people are born with things added to their names like Marina the asshole, or I'd be Claire the annoying, I don't think you have to be anything you don't want to be. If you want to be an asshole, well, that's a different conversation." She answered.
"I don't think smoking is allowed in here," Claire warned gently, she noted that Marina wasn't lighting it, but a reminder couldn't hurt.
"That sounds lonely."
Whereas Marina originally wasn't intending the light the cigarette, she almost did at that comment, just to be contrary. But, like before, she knew she had to get through all of this if she wanted to stay. And she wanted to stay because home meant death; at least until she found a way around that, too.
"My world," she started, instead. "My world is full of people who will do whatever it takes for every scrap of power they can get. They will build you up into thinking you have a great gift and compliment you until you believe it yourself, then as soon as you think you can do something on your own with that power, they'll turn on you and take away everything you know. Literally." With the last word, she tapped her forehead to show that she indeed meant taking away memories.
But she didn't stop there. "Then they'll cast you out and force you to scrape by on your own with no help, no guidance, no friends. Because those friends you thought you had, they were fine with you getting turned out on your ass, too. And something's wrong, but you don't know what. You don't know why you can't remember years of your life. You don't know why you can cast spells or what to do with it."
"So you fight your way into anything you can, then work your way to the top because anything less is being used by someone else. And you get used, sure, but you do whatever it takes. Whatever. It. Takes. Then you get to the top finally, and then what? There's people who used to be like you that need protection. But you can't protect them completely. Not without what was taken from you. But through careful planning, you get it back. Oh yes, you get it back. But even that doesn't even seem to fill this hole inside of you, and you don't know why."
Marina didn't even noticed that she crushed the cigarette while she was talking. Didn't hear her name get called for her order. Instead, she just tightened her face up angrily and leaned back in her chair.
Claire listened carefully and carefully didn't show pity in her eyes, her eyes crinkled a few times as she took everything that Marina was saying in, there was a lot to unpack and work within what she'd said.
Claire reached across the table and squeezed Marina's hand softly before standing up and getting both their orders. She made sure the drinks were in to go cups before bringing over the food and sitting across from Marina.
"It sounds like you wanted to help people who were in the same situation as you were, that doesn't sound like an asshole to me." That was where Claire decided to start, there was a lot more she wanted to know and a lot more she wanted to ask, but she needed to start small.
Marina hadn't withdrawn her hand when Claire touched it. She wanted to. She should have. Being touched was not something she was generally "okay" with. But she didn't. All she did was stare at her hand when the other woman had gotten up to pick up the orders and was still staring at it when she'd returned. After a moment, she curled her hand into a fist and ground the cigarette up some more before making a quick movement with her fingers, using a quick spell to quickly incinerate the remains of the cigarette. It wasn't smoking, not strictly.
"Nice hedges don't last long. Friendly hedges get eaten alive, sometimes literally. People follow strength, people who don't take any shit. People who can protect them and do what needs to be done without batting an eye." She smirked a bit and leaned forward again before continuing. "I'm not a nice hedge. Part of me feels like I should be, or could be, so I can fake it. But I'm not."
“Hedges?” Claire asked figuring she didn’t mean hedging bets or well, hedges in the term of shrubs. It seemed to mean something else and Claire wanted to know what it was. Claire took a bite of her scone to give her a moment to think of everything she was learning. “Is everyone in your world just after power?” Claire added as power was a very big part of Marina’s world.
“I think you could be, if you wanted to, but that’s up to you.”
"Hedge witches. Google it," responded Marina, offhandedly. Then she waved a hand and continued. "Magic users who haven't gone through formal training. Or, you know, kicked out of formal training, mindwiped, and left to fend for themselves." She was tempted to pull out another cigarette, but maybe she was in some kind of groove.
"Magic in my world is a world within a world. They're all out for #1. At least the ones who aren't jaded yet," she added, sort of referring to the others here in Atlantis. They were all basically kids in the world of magic.
"And the school is Brakebills?" Claire knew the answer to it, but she wanted to confirm. "Sounds like a shitty group of people to kick people out with abilities they might not understand." Claire knew a thing or two about people with abilities they didn't completely understand although she knew the magic Marina had and the troubles were probably very different.
"And what about the jaded ones?"
"Supposedly, they only do it for special cases," Marina admitted. But the follow-up made her raise an eyebrow. "What about the jaded ones? We're the ones who are used all the bullshit and the backstabbing and the power plays. You have three choices when you're out there. You kick everyone's ass until you're on top, you follow someone who kicks ass, or you die doing something stupid."
She tapped her foot on the ground for a quick moment. "Okay, there's a fourth option where you give up magic, but that'd be like giving up breathing."
"What do you mean only for special cases?" There was something in that that she wanted to learn more about, why only special cases?
"What about practicing magic but walking away from the toxic world with other magic users, or do you need other magic users to practice your magic." Claire held up a hand before adding. "I'm just trying to understand more about the magic. It's not one I know much about."
While Claire was processing and asking more questions (always with the questions), Marina picked at her bagel. She was starting to get a little worn out from all of the sharing. Which was ruining her appetite.
"Why don't we save the special case material for next session?" asked Marina, giving a bit of a smug smile while taking a sip of her latte. "For the rest… magic attracts notice. Some of it you don't want. Others require more cooperative spellwork, which means you need help. I don't think you can possibly understand what it's like to have magic and know there's more out there, then try and just… not learn more."
Why didn’t I bring a notepad. Claire thought but pushed the thought away just as quickly as she noted the smug smile. There was something there and Claire could tell it would be important to Marina’s therapy.
Nodding, she got that. “Well, have you spoken to anyone you didn’t already know since arriving in Atlantis.” Switching the subject was key sometimes. Besides, it helped her judge how Marina reacted to situations.
"A few," offered Marina, but nothing beyond that. It was accurate, but not very informative. She wasn't going to tell Claire that she'd had several hit or miss conversations with people - mostly miss, because she was, as discussed, not great at making friends. She took another sip of her latte, a larger one this time, before making an effort to spread some cream cheese on her bagel in a slow pattern, designed to show that she wasn't intending to give more detail.
“Anyone you plan to speak with again? Doesn’t have to be to make friends it can be acquaintances, nothing wrong with that.” She suggested. “Listen, everyone hates homework, but I’m going to give you a little bit. By next week when we meet, again I want to hear about two people you’ve met and had more than 10 minutes of conversation with.”
"Aw, Professor, do I have to?" teased Marina, taking a bite of her bagel and chewing it while also being absolutely careful not to mess up her on-point lipstick. Once she'd finished chewing, she quickly waved her free hand in a bit of dismissal. "Okay, two people. Ten minutes of conversation. Fine. Do you need me to get them to sign something as proof that we talked?"
Claire laughed shaking her head. “Nope, you just have to tell me about it.” Smiling she stood up with her coffee and half her scone. “I’ll see you next week, and it’s Doctor, not Professor.” She corrected with a smirk and tilt of her head before heading towards the door.