Two months ago Atlantis had been home, it had been the place he wanted to be but now it felt alien to him. Waking up from that alternate reality they’d all been living for nearly two months to find that his wife and unborn child were gone had been enough to have Leo wanting to go back to that reality where he believed Jemma had just gone to visit her family. Here though she was gone and he knew she might not come back the same.
He was trying not to think about it but waking up to an empty bed in an apartment he was sharing with someone else made it impossible to ignore. Normally if he wanted to escape reality he’d throw himself into work but right now that was only going to make him think of Jemma so instead he’d done something he rarely did and headed to find a bar where he might be able to drown his sorrows for a little while.
Walking in he spotted a familiar figure sitting at the bar. He knew his friend was probably dealing with his own issues but he still headed over and took the stool next to him, ordering a neat whisky from the bartender as he did before turning his attention to the man beside him. “How much do you hate Atlantis right now?”
His own issues didn’t matter right now. Grant still had a lot of good people around him and Atlantis had given him a second chance to get to know Rose. It had given him a lot, and over the years and the bouncing through worlds, yeah, he’d learned to roll with the punches this kind of thing could throw.
But Fitz had lost Jemma. And more than that, she’d been pregnant. Another Jemma turning up might just make everything worse.
“I mean, it’s not been the best day.” he said simply, nodding to the barman for another drink for Fitz.
“I’m gonna miss her too.” he told Fitz simply. “And whatever you need, you just ask, okay?”
Saying he hated Atlantis was probably a little dramatic, he didn’t entirely hate the place but right now he certainly wasn’t fond of it. Normally he could ignore the way it worked, could overlook the way it sometimes messed with people but now it had taken the one person in life he knew he couldn’t really be without.
To make it worse if she came back things could end up worse, if she came back and their baby was gone he didn’t know what he’d do.
He gave his friend a weak smile as he ordered another drink, he might look like he couldn’t handle his liquor but the truth was he was blessed with a strong constitution.
“What I need is for her to walk through that door and tell me it was a silly mistake and she and our baby are okay,” he said sounding sorry for himself as he practically downed the first drink. “Sorry… I just don’t know what I’m going to do without her.”
“You’re gonna be strong. And you’re gonna hope every day she gets back to you, but you’re not gonna just sit back and wait either. She’d want you to do what you need to do. II know how hard it is for you to be without her. And I’d get her back for you if I could but...”
He took a gulp of the whiskey in front of him before turning to face his friend.
“I’ll be here. And so will Daisy, Coulson, May. You’re not in this alone.”
“What if she comes back and it’s different though? She could come back and not remember this place and the baby… the baby could be gone.” He stopped himself to take a sip of the second glass in front of him. It was that which he was really struggling with, their baby was just gone, like they never even existed.
He didn’t know how to be strong like that, to get through the days and hope she would come back to him the same as before.
“I know I’m not, I definitely wouldn’t be able to handle this if you weren’t all here and… Phil, I should check he’s okay, I mean he just lost his mum as well.”
“Stop it. You would. You’re stronger than you think you are Fitz. Always have been. You see the good in people. You saw it in me even after everything I did. You’re brave. You’re smart as hell and you’re strong.”
He knew what it was that bothered him most.
“I don’t...know how I’d deal with that. My daughters are gone again but I knew them. To lose what you did...it’s gonna be hard.. It’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna be a struggle but I believe you’ll be strong enough to get through.”
“I’m strong when there are people around me, alone… I’m weak. I could never make it on my own, not like Jemma can. I’m smart but that can work against me just as much as for me, I overthink things and come up with so many outcomes for things that I can drive myself crazy.”
He toyed with the ring on his finger, staring at the drink in front of him.
“It’s a blessing in disguise that when we got back our rooms had changed, we were starting to put together a nursery, if I’d come back to see that… it would have been too much. I need to do something, I need to find something to do to take my mind off things, any suggestions?”
“Don’t think Jemma wouldn’t feel the same if things were reversed. She would. She’d overthink too and she’d take a long time to come to terms with it. I’m not saying move on, I’m not saying you need to get past this, but you need to learn to...tolerate it. Or you’ll lose your mind. Trust me, I know from experience how that goes”
Suggestions. He watched Fitz playing with the ring on his finger for a moment.
“When I’m trying to do that, I run. I work out or I drink. When I lost Kara I basically lost it. When I lost Daisy it was a different kind of hurt. It took a long time but I figured out how to cope. But I’m not someone you should aspire to be when it comes to coping mechanisms.”
“You’re right, she wouldn’t. She’d worry constantly and fret in that way she does. Trust me, I know I need to learn to tolerate it, I don’t want to lose my mind but it’s hard not to think about it when everything here reminds me of her. It’s not like I can get away unless I ask to go home and then if I do I’ll never get back what we had here.”
Leo had found himself playing with the ring on his finger a little more in the last couple of days.
“I’ve done the drinking thing, it never really helps, and all it does is make things hurt a little less for a little while. But working out… that could work. I just never really did it before. I’d probably end up hurting myself. Unless, would you help me? Make sure I don’t go do something stupid?”
“We’d miss you. If you did. And you’re right, there’s always the chance she’d come back.”
It might be good, training him, helping him. It might be better for them.
“Of course I’ll help you. And don’t worry, we’ll start slow. I’m not gonna have you running 10k’s before you’re ready. And it’ll help. I promise. We’ll start tomorrow. But for now, we sit, we drink, we miss her. Then you check on Phil. He’ll need you now more than ever.”
“And I’d miss you all, not that I’d know of course. I have to stay here, in case she comes back, if she comes back I need to be here.”
It was something he’d always meant to do but things had always gotten in the way. It could be just the thing he needed right now though.
“Thanks, Ward. I know you won’t have me running before I can walk.” He smiled a little at his friend, glad he had people he could count on like Ward which might seem weird to think after everything but he was definitely one of Leo’s closest friends. “Sounds like a plan,” he said, finishing his drink and gesturing to the bartender to refill both their glasses. It wouldn’t be easy but he would get through this and he’d help his son get through this too. He raised his glass to Ward’s in a silent toast to Jemma, trusting the other man would understand and not make him say the words.