Enjolras and Grantaire
PG - Mentions of death and alcoholism | Complete
Grantaire hadn’t exactly been avoiding Enjolras since Eponine left. But, he hadn’t been looking for his company either. Which of course, had nothing to do with Enjolras, and everything to do with Grantaire’s lack of self worth. He’d failed. Failed himself, and most of all failed his lover. His Apollo. He couldn’t even stop drinking. He was that worthless. He didn’t know why Enjolras still even wanted to be seen with him. The cynic, the drunkard, the winecask. Who was so dependant on wine, he couldn’t go even a few months without falling back into the bottle again. It was especially hard now he’d started drinking again. He’d been trying to hide it. But, from the disgusted looks he could see on his marble lovers face, he knew he’d failed. Oh, he knew Enjolras would deny everything, he was too good to him. He’d say he was worried, or some such platitude. But, Grantaire knew the truth, he wasn’t even worth the leader in red’s ire anymore. Just his pity. He knew, that the only reason Enjolras even put up with him now, was pity. And, a martyr complex. Thinking that he needed to be fixed. But, he can’t be fixed. Not even if Enjolras willed it so.
So, here he was, hiding in the darkest corner of Cava. Avoiding the man he loved more than life itself. To wallow in self-pity and self-doubt; and drown himself in a bottle of wine.
He didn’t know how to proceed. He’d talked to Claire, he’d done whatever he could to help and still things were...terrible. He couldn’t fix this, couldn’t bring Eponine back, couldn’t even take the wine from Grantaire’s hand without protest.
Yes, he was hurt. He had thought for a time that he could be enough. That Grantaire’s love for him would keep the wine from his mind, but, here they were. And here he was after some searching, in Cava. Where else, he’d already asked Lexi not to give him alcohol and he knew the vampire would oblige him.
“Is this what we return to? I miss her too Grantaire and believe me, I feel the guilt of her death, I feel it for all the fallen I led into battle. But I can’t...watch you do this. Not again. So please, let me help you?”
Grantaire, looked up at the sound of his Apollo’s voice. Tears in his eyes, as he realised what he was putting Enjolras through.
“It’s not just about her, or them anymore.” The tears started to fall down his cheek, “I just don’t know how to stop. Not again.” The tears had turned into full blown sobs now, and he buried his face in his arms.
“I tried very hard to be enough.” he said, sliding into the seat opposite Grantaire. “I know it’s more than that. It was made very clear to me that it’s an illness. And all the time I spent back home calling you...I was cruel. And that could not have helped matters. But I thought things were better here.”
He was at a loss. He wasn’t good at letting his feelings be known at the best of times. It was because of Grantaire he was getting better at that. And now… “I don’t know what to do. There is no speech I can make, no fight to lead to fix this for you. I’m of no use. You need Claire, you need the medical staff, there are things that they can do.”
Grantaire lifted his head to look at his beloved. “I want you to be enough. But, I’m not good enough…..” He wasn’t sure he needed to continue that sentence, or even how to. “Things are better here. I never could have even contemplated stopping back home.”
“I know I don’t deserve to ask this, but help me?” The artist began, stretching his arm out to not quite touch Enjolras’s hand. “Come with me? To medical. Please, Apollo.”
“You need to stop properly. Claire tells me there are ways to do this but you would have to trust me to do the right thing for you. You would have to trust me.” he said as he moved his hand to rest at Grantaire’s arm.
“It’s not your fault R. None of this is, this is...it’s fixable.”
He was terrible at this, as he’d said, without speeches.
“Of course I’ll come with you. We can go now, no time like the present as they say”
Grantaire nodded at what Enjolras was saying. He knew Claire had told him that originally, but he’d then decided to do it on his own. And, that obviously had not helped.
“I trust you, mon ange. Of course I do.” He still couldn’t believe that Enjolras did not seem angry with him. But, he no longer had it in him to question his good fortune. He was selfish like that. Would take whatever he could get from his Apollo.
“Now?” Now seemed too soon, and yet too late. But, he wouldn't question it. If Enjolras wanted to go now. Then go now is what they would do. “Yes, now seems good.”
Now was the only option they had. If it wasn’t now, things would only get worse.
“I’ll be with you as long as they allow me to be and I won’t be far at any other time. Trust me.”
He stood up, taking Grantaire’s hand, ready to go and do the thing neither of them wanted to do but both knew they had to do. It was the only option they had left and they both knew that on one level or another.
“Things will be better after this.” He didn’t say what came to his mind as they left the bar.