who jalec what sparring where basement of gulu gulu when bendy times to after this status/rating completed/angsty
There was an ache in his heart, fear in his gut, and emotions warring in his head. Alec hadn’t been lying when he told Izzy he wanted to fix the problem. Yes, she had pointed out not all problems could be fixed, but Jace was his brother. He was going to try! He had to try. When any of his siblings were hurting, having troubles, he had to try and make things right. Alec was the protector, the caretaker of his family, and he bore the burden for his family.
His wrapped fist collided with the punching bag. Anger surged through him and he threw a harder punch.
His parabatai wasn’t good at talking and neither was he. They were just two Shadowhunters with issues. Emotions were a weakness, they held a person back, and yet he had watch an emotion make people stronger. Love. Love had made them all do incredible things.
Damn it! Alec reached out and stopped the swinging punching bag. His breathing was ragged and his gaze flickered to the wall decorated with throwing daggers. Feeling for two was getting to him and he was pretty sure things were only going to get more emotional tonight. Something neither of them were good at dealing with.
“I can sense you,” he finally said. His hazel eyes took in the sight of the stairs as he waited for his brother to appear.
Alec finally stepped away from the punching bag with a frown on his face. Things were probably going to get worse before they got better. He just hoped they wouldn’t hate each other after their sparring session.
Jace had known that Alec was feeling his emotions, he just...hadn’t realized how badly it had been affecting his brother until Alec called him on it. He didn’t want to be around anyone but he couldn’t just sit back and ignore this anymore. Even though he hated the idea of being around anyone right now. It had been what made getting out of bed and leaving his room to go to work so damn hard each day.
He’d paused at the top of the stairs, trying to force himself to appear calm. Like he wasn’t exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. He walked down them, exhaustion obvious on his face as he looked at his brother, leaning against the wall. “I’ve been trying to keep things down.” He said simply, shrugging. He hadn’t been sleeping well since getting buried alive, terrified of waking up in the dark again. Salem definitely seemed to get a kick out of using him a punching bag.
“You look like shit,” he said helpfully before moving towards where his water bottle was sitting on a bench. Alec snagged the bottle and popped the top. His gaze never left Jace as he took a long swig of the water, trying to buy time before they ended up doing whatever they were going to do. He had no real plans. He had just wanted to get Jace out from wherever he had been hiding. The emotions were stronger now that they were closer together and Alec could only frown.
He pulled the water bottle away and quirked an eyebrow upward.
“Sure you can actually spar, little brother?” His fingers popped the top back on the bottle before he gave Jace a challenging look. Izzy had said Jace’s language was fighting so that was what he was going to try first. If that didn’t work? Well, he’d force his parabatai use real words.
“If you’d like we can always just go get a drink.”
“Thanks for that. I needed the confirmation of what my eyes were telling me,” Jace said drily, rolling his eyes as he stepped away from the wall. Everything just felt wrong inside him right now. That was the only way he could think to describe it but he didn’t know how to put it into words. That was why he wasn’t good at talking about his emotions - he was better with the physical side of things.
“When am I ever sure of anything,” he muttered, stripping out of the coat he’d put on for the walk over here. His arms were covered in runes to keep him alert and awake, some of them drawn more precisely than others. “...Drinking just makes it worse brother,” he said, rolling his shoulders and glancing at him as he tried to find a stance. His heart wasn’t in this though.
“Anytime,” Alec deadpanned. He watched Jace take off the jacket and he couldn’t help staring at the runes that were visible. His fingers twitched slightly with the need to fix the ones that weren’t as precise. He settled on giving his brother a look that clearly stated the other was an idiot.
“First? I never said anything about that type of drink. The cafe does serve stuff besides alcohol.” Raziel, he wanted a beer badly. Yet, somehow, he managed not to fall into the bottle again. That wasn’t going to help anyone at this moment. His eyes narrowed slightly at the poor attempt of finding a stance. He wasn’t entirely sure what came over him, but he moved and the next thing he knew he was staring at his outstretched arms in surprise. Blinking slightly he finally glanced down at Jace sprawled on the ground.
“...whoops?”
Jace ignored that look, looking down at the floor so that he could pretend not to see it, the surge of guilt that tumbled into all of the other emotions he was feeling making it clear that he had.
“Yeah I know but...it’s what’s tempting me the most,” he admitted, looking up at him as Alec came closer to him. He hit the floor, not expecting that sudden push and he lay there, nothing graceful in the way he’d fallen, staring up at his brother. He hadn’t been expecting to be shoved and he shook his head as he pushed himself up into a somewhat seated position. “Yeah right...I deserved it though. I can’t...I can’t Alec,” he said, closing his eyes as he flopped back down onto the floor.
There was this awful hollow feeling that was starting to form in his chest. Jace was falling apart, the spark was dying out. Alec’s eyes widened in mild horror as he lowered his arms. I can’t. Can’t what? Can’t try? Can’t talk?
“No,” he said softly. “For whither thou goest, I will go, Jace.”
He had lost his parabatai twice here. The first time he had damn near self destructed, the second had hurt just as bad. Now here was his brother just barely existing. Anger welled up inside of him like a large bubble. He sank down onto his knees and glared at the blonde. “Shit happens. We’ve been through alot and I am not going to let you,” he motioned to his brother with a hand. “You aren’t sleeping, your runes look like crap, and I want to help. You have to talk to me, Jace. I love you and don’t think for one second I am about to let you just....you have to talk to me!”
Jace felt that surge of anger and it was almost worse than a punch in the face. Actually it was worse because he knew he deserved this. That he’d caused that anger. Just everything here was...becoming too much for him. They hadn’t been trained to deal with being buried alive or losing the person you loved. Or being kidnapped. That hadn’t been part of their training back home.
“I can’t sleep. I sleep...when I disappeared a couple months ago? Remember? I got buried alive Alec. Somebody knocked me out and buried me in the damn cemetary! I close my eyes and...I can’t sleep. And then Clary...I can’t,” he said, closing his eyes. “I can’t take all of this. We weren’t trained to deal with any of this!” he said, gesturing around them from where he laid on the floor. “It’s too much. You and Izzy and Clary...I’m not as strong as you all think. As I should be.” He muttered. “I can’t even explain what I’m feeling…”
There should have been happiness at the fact that Jace was talking, but it only made the bubble of anger grow more. Alec stared at his brother as if the man had suddenly sprouted two heads. “Trained...to deal with this,” he repeated back as if he couldn’t believe those words had been uttered. Red, he was seeing red, but trying to stop himself from lashing out. He breathed in deeply and tried to force his own emotions down.
“Jace-” He jumped gracefully to his feet before he started to pace, his one thumb digging into the palm of his other hand. How did he even start to address any of this? “I don’t think you are supposed to be anything besides my brother,” he managed to say without any anger. This wasn’t a matter of strength.
“You left me here twice,” the palm of his hand was starting to turn red from his aggressive fidgeting. “I felt like my soul had been ripped out twice, Jace. My boyfriend got turned into a dragon, I got attacked by wraiths, and life hasn’t been the greatest ever, but I wake up every day because I know you all depend on me. I get that you are hurting because Clary left, but you should have told me that you couldn’t fucking sleep.”
Alec wanted to reach out and punch his brother, but he didn’t. No, he kept pacing and fidgeting.
“I don’t want to leave here,” he blurted out. “I have friends outside of my family for the first time in my life. I have you and Iz, I have the Blackthorns. Jace, you have to focus on the good things. You can’t let the bad swallow us both whole. I feel what you feel and it is hurting both of us. I threatened to cut someone’s hand off the other day!”
That was the dangerous part of the parabatai bond. They fed each other’s emotions. Especially in moments like this one. Even though Alec was trying to stay calm as he spoke - Jace felt the anger surging up in him. He sat up slowly, watching Alec pace without saying anything. Just...listening for once. “It...everybody expects me to be more like you. You know that,” he said, eyes watching Alec as he kept moving.
“Leaving wasn’t my choice. You know that…” he snapped at him without meaning too. “I figured you had enough on your plate without me telling you that I’m having nightmares every night. And I never said I wanted to leave here!” He took a deep breath, knowing part of this anger was due to Alec’s anger. “I know you’re happy. I can feel it. I just...everything’s that happened to me here just got to be too much for me. I don’t know how to deal with this. ...You did WHAT?”
Everybody expects me to be more like you. Alec shot his brother a look that stated he thought that was bullshit. Their own mother treated Jace like he was some golden child that could do no wrong. He was trying to remember a time when Maryse had ever told Jace he wasn’t good enough, that he had to try harder, that he had to be his older brother. “I know, Jace.”
His steps slowed and he finally ran his hands through his hair.
“Damn it, Jace,” he said in a voice laced with hurt. “I wasn’t trying to say- I could feel that you were hurting, that things were wrong, and you weren’t talking to me. You are affecting me and I don’t know what is mine and what is yours right now. My emotions are erratic and I am no better at handling this than you are. You have me and Izzy, we are a team, family. Stop shutting us out and just let us help you.” He waved a hand dismissively at the question in regards to his threat of chopping off a hand.
Jace sighed at that look, laying back down and covering his eyes with his arm. Their mother had been subtle about it, her comparisons to Alec, pushing him to train harder, to study harder, to be more like his older brother. Be more the type of person the family could rely on. The type of Shadowhunter who could run an Institute one day.
Sparring would be less draining than this conversation but it was what they needed. A part of him knew that. When he spoke again his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. “I'm scared Alec. What happened...scared me. I can handle being hurt. I'm used to it.” He said, a bitter laugh escaping him. One thing Valentine had made sure of while raising him was that he could handle that part of life at least.
He stared at his brother and felt a slight pang in his heart. Jace was scared, something Alec wasn’t entirely sure how to fix. This wasn’t some injury he could draw a rune to fix. As far as he knew there were no runes that could fix being scared. He blew some air between his teeth before sinking down on the mat next to his parabatai.
“Then we stay in the same room,” he finally said. His thumb rubbed at the side of his hand as he tried to figure out how to phrase exactly what he wanted to say. “Spend the night with me or Izzy, or both of us. We’ll watch you. I’ll watch you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
There was no reason for any of them to deal with stuff alone. Oh, he wasn’t looking to tell the Blackthorns that the Lightwoods were having issues. No, this was staying between the Lightwood siblings. Jace was his brother, his parabatai, and he would help him somehow. “I can have Mags make a ward so you can’t get kidnapped out of a room again.”
“I wasn’t in my room when they knocked me out. I was patrolling for the police.” Jace said, looking up at his brother. “What are we gonna do about this Alec? You and Izzy can’t watch me 24/7” He said. Although that part of him that was scared was very tempted to take Alec up on the offer to stay with them.
“Why can’t we?” Alec knew it was impossible, but his knee jerk reaction was to try and watch Jace 24/7. He stretched his legs out and stared at his feet as if they held the secrets to the world. “Our bond helps, but I think Magnus can create something to help you. A talisman.”
He was already trying to figure out a way to keep watch on Jace. Maybe Faith could help? The problem was he didn’t want to involve a lot of people, but he wanted his brother protected. “I can take some time off from the cafe,” he ran his fingers through his hair. “Raziel, Jace, we are going to figure this out. You have to go out on a patrol? You call me or Izzy. I’m not budging on this.”
“Because you have jobs? Stuff going on outside of my mess that’s why you can’t,” Jace said quietly. “You didn’t find me in the graveyard. I...you know I’ve slept with my witchlight every night since then?” he said, trying to smile but it didn’t quite work.
“Alec...It’s my job here. Patrol is a part of it. I don’t go patrolling off duty by myself. I’ve kept that promise.”
Jace’s remark was like a blade to the heart. You didn’t fine me. Yeah, that blade was twisted and caused Alec to flinch. The fact he hadn’t found Jace, that he hadn’t been able to help, well, it was still something gnawing at his heart. Alec had failed his parabatai and that wasn’t something he would ever forget.
“Jace...I’m aware you have to patrol for work, but either a cop or one of us goes with you.” He was trying to help now, but his brother was just shooting things down. “I happen to know my boss so it isn’t a problem for me to take time off.” His thumb dug into the palm of his other hand again. “I’m sorry bad things keep happening to you, Jace. I get it, honest. But...Iz and I want to help you. You have to let us help you.”
Jace hadn’t meant it the way it came across. He hadn’t meant to hurt his parabatai. “Sorry. That...I know you tried. You know the shitty part of that? It wasn’t even about me. Somebody wanted to play a game with the guy who found me and used me for it. Next time I get locked in a coffin it better be about something I did,” he said, trying to hide behind humor when things started getting too real. The way he always did.
He sighed and looked over at Alec. “Just...promise me you won’t take any chances and do anything stupid while helping me?”
Alec rolled his eyes slightly, but didn’t say anything right away. “Well...I am sure Raphael can find you a casket for next time.” The joke came out sounding flat and he didn’t try to fix his words. He blinked and looked up at his brother with wide eyes. His lips quirked to the side as he debated what to say. He wouldn’t go out of his way to do anything stupid, but he’d pretty much do anything for Jace. They had gone through a rough patch and he didn’t want to recreate that. No, he now knew who he was and wasn’t hiding anymore. Alec was going to do his own thing and protect his brother.
“I promise I won’t do anything stupid on purpose,” he finally settled on saying. That was the best he could offer.
“He’d probably be happy too. And I’m sure I could find some way to convince him to bury me. I just have to annoy him.” He said, shrugging as he shoved himself into an upright position.
“That’s all I can ask,” he said, looking at him and sighing and then laughing. “We were supposed to spar. Sorry?”