In all my memories, getting stronger the older I got, I was always wanting it... not to die. Never to die. Not to leave an imprint on everyone with my death. But just to fade away like objects in the darkness. Where their edges get softer and slowly disperse and eventually they're nothing at all.
[taking his hat off again, turning it over and over in his hands]
Maybe my mother would be alive then. Everyone I killed. Perhaps my family would be different. In that dark place where I'd never been born.