No, I'm glad you're saying all this. Especially if it's not... really something you can tell your team.
I wish I could just tell you the answers. But I think the best thing I can say is... don't forget how you feel. Not the part where it's better to be a backstabber, you don't believe that. How you really feel. And don't forget how everyone else felt. If you forget, then this happens over and over.