missing gossip and other things
Characters: Becka and Violet Setting: clinic
There were all sorts of thoughts on Becka’s mind as she settled back down in the clinic, sitting at one of the desks and moving the chair back and forth slowly. She couldn’t stop thinking of Wren, of everything she’d gone through, and yet how when Wren had come across her feeling so down and pathetic in the spiritual room last week, she’d jumped at the chance to help her. She hoped that things would get better for Wren somehow. After a little bit, she glanced over at Violet with a small smile. “Do you believe in fate? Or like karma and stuff like that?” she asked curiously.
Violet glanced up from her inventory and the spread sheet she was working on. "Hmm." she said thoughtfully, smiling and liking the puzzle of a question. "I would saaayyyy....I like the idea of fate." she decided. "I don't know if I'm completely sold on it or not, but the concept is compelling." She continued to ponder. “As for karma, I love that idea, but I don’t think I believe in it. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a few too many people get destroyed and I know that they didn’t deserve it.” she said, thinking of the children’s ward at the hospital.
As Violet answered, Becka frowned, sighing softly even as she nodded. “Yeah, me too,” she agreed. As much as she’d always considered herself an optimist, she’d seen enough to not blindly believe in karma. “I mean, like, I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I don’t know, sometimes it feels like it’s getting harder and harder to believe that. I talked to someone here today, and she lost everyone, and then went down for a bologna charge because she was the only left to charge for it.” She sighed again, shaking her head slightly. As much as she didn’t think she belonged in prison, even if she accepted it because she broke the law, she thought Wren didn’t belong here even more.
Violet considered that, setting her pen and clipboard down, and she leaned back in her chair. "Well that definitely makes me mark that in the 'Karma isn't real' column." she said. "But fate, who knows. Maybe she's meant to be here. Or she's meant to be somewhere else, after here." she suggested.
Nodding slightly, Becka said, “Yeah, fate I don’t have as much trouble with. I want to believe karma is real, but it’s hard to. And I don’t know, she’s got a real gift for helping people, so maybe she’s meant to be here. Anyway! Sorry, it was just on my mind since I just talked to her when I was getting food. I just really hope things work out for her.”
Violet smiled. "Don't be sorry." she said. Propping her chin on her hand, she kept her eyes on Becka. "You seem a lot happier today than you did last time I saw you." she pointed out. "Feeling better, then?"
Becka glanced down at the question, running her fingers over the edge of the desk lightly. “I guess you could say that,” she answered, glancing back at Violet. “Adam and I talked, worked out some things, which is good. So yeah, I’m a lot less stressed about all that. There’s enough to stress out about here,” she added with a small grin.
"Good!" Violet remarked firmly. "That's the spirit. So, yay talking." she said. "Always better than stressing. Because yes, there's enough out there, most definitely." Including who the hell knew what was coming. She'd still been a bit upset about the washers and driers that morning, though things still appeared to work. It was just still damp, and that wasn't fun.
“Yes, definitely better than stressing!” Becka agreed emphatically. “Though we decided to just try to be friends, so... there’s that. But it’s okay. It’s better this way, because he’s got things to work through, and if I’m being completely honest? I’m not so sure I’m ready for any kind of more than friends thing anyway. I’m much more comfortable focusing on work-shaped things,” she admitted, wrinkling her nose a bit though she was still smiling.
"Good for both of you, then. Making mature decisions, and handling things like adults." Violet said. "Sooooo many people don't. I swear, at the hospital I worked at, it was a trashy nighttime drama there, all the time with people and their crazy relationship stuff." she said with a sigh. "Though being without it has made me miss it, just an eeeensy bit." she confessed with a smirk.
Becka laughed at that, nodding in understanding. “Oh my god, tell me about it! I didn’t really do a whole lot of dating, so I never really had the crazy relationship drama until here, and that was just... crazy. Yeah. But I always got earfuls of everyone else’s at work. Drama, drama, drama.” She giggled softly at the confession. “I know what you mean. My best friend, Lucy, she always had the craziest relationship stories. I miss that.”
Violet laughed. "Yeah, I didn't do much dating either. I'm a workaholic. So, I was always too busy for that. But everyone else very much had their own insane tales to share. And y'know, everyone was always dying to gossip." she said. "I think I miss that. Gossip. Which is terrible of me, I know, but still."
“Well, at least I’m not alone,” Becka said with a little laugh. It was nice to know that she wasn’t the only one who’d been a bit of a workaholic. “I don’t think it’s terrible! I think gossip gets a bad rap when it isn’t always bad. It’s natural to want to know what’s going on with people, and unless you’re spreading lies or something about someone, I don’t really think it’s all that bad.” Though her mother would likely disagree, even just on principle as she knew that her mom liked a good bit of juicy gossip as much as the next person.
Violet had to grin at Becka for that. “Well that’s one way to put it,” she said, loving that particular angle. “But you’re right, it is natural to be curious. I really did like knowing what was going on in people’s lives all the time. Even if the details were sordid. It was just kind of...nice.” she said wistfully.
Becka had to giggle softly, almost under her breath at Violet’s admission, understanding it completely. As much as she’d not always done wild and crazy things, it really was entertaining to hear the stories. “Living vicariously through those not as utterly focused on work-shaped things,” she offered a reason for it with a smile that said she was speaking from experience on that.
"And with twenty percent less crazy in your own life." Violet said with a laugh. "So, there's that too!" Sometimes she knew the drama was compelling to hear about, but hell if she wanted to be the girl sobbing in the breakroom over someone cheating on her.
"Right, exactly!" Becka agreed, smiling at Violet. She was feeling far more normal than she had in awhile here, and she was glad that there was someone here that she could actually relate to on some level. She went quiet for a few moments, then, her thoughts wandering. "Although... sometimes I wish I hadn't been so focused on work," she admitted almost abruptly, though her tone was soft and quiet.
"Oh?" Violet asked. "Feeling like you missed out? Or...?" she prompted, wanting Becka to expand on that. There were a million different reasons she could have for feeling that way. So, she was curious what it meant to Becka.
When Violet prompted her to expand, Becka tilted her head, humming softly. "Yeah, maybe a little. But, I don't know, I think maybe if I hadn't been so utterly focused on work, I might feel more equipped to deal with certain things. It's not completely logical or anything, I know that, but this whole experience so far, even though it's only been a little over a week, has just been really overwhelming," she explained, hoping that made more sense.
"I know you were having issues with a guy..." Violet started. "Is it more than just the significant other thing?" she asked. She wanted to be sure she understood fully. Violet was the type who really liked getting to know everyone as well as possible and she liked Becka.
Becka frowned, sighing. “It is so much more than just Adam, but yeah, there’s that too.” She really wasn’t sure she could fully explain where this insecurity was coming from. She’d just been feeling so off all day, and it was unsettling. “I feel so... sheltered. I mean, I’ve seen bad things on the job, but the world I lived in was just so different from this place. Even the prison I was in was wildly different than here. It’s an adjustment.” And that really was the best way she could think to explain it.
"What was your prison like?" Violet asked, knowing she herself noted that everyone seemed to have wildly differing experiences. So, she was curious how things had gone for Becka. How it was different from here. "Do you think prison was better than here?" she asked.
Becka was quiet for a moment as she thought about how to explain what Shakopee was like, especially with this facility being the only thing she had first hand knowledge of to compare prison to. She smiled faintly at the next question, though, and answered that first. "Oh yeah, I really do. Things were... different there than at other prisons, I think. Like, more relaxed or something. We didn't have a fence or bars or anything like that, but only a handful of people have tried to escape in like twenty years. For the most part, people did what they were supposed to. And, of course, I was able to see my family a lot, and that's definitely better than here. I miss them so much."
"Why don't you ask to go back?" Violet asked, thinking that was the logical conclusion, if Becka really felt that way. She found it surprising, but not strange, so much. Becka's mention of her family was clearly a huge deal, and her saying she came from a very relaxed environment to start with seemed like a good deal.
That wasn't something that Becka had even considered would be a possibility, and she knew that some surprise showed in her expression. "Oh, I don't know. I guess I didn't really think about it. I mean, it's not like they asked if we wanted to participate in this program to begin with," she pointed out. But maybe she would ask. As much as she adored some of the people she'd met here so far, it just couldn't make up for everyone she'd been pulled away from. "Don't you miss your family?"
Violet nodded. "I do. But we weren't all that close. I come from a pretty big family, and people sort of went in their own directions. We're the kind of family that really pulls together in a crisis, but have our own lives in the meantime." she explained. "So, I miss them, sure, but I don't even really know how often they would visit even if I were within driving distance."
Smiling sadly, Becka nodded slightly. That seemed more the norm, really, and she couldn't fault Violet for not really being able to understand just how close Becka was to her own family. "It's not that I didn't have my own life - I just hadn't really branched out too far yet. I mean, I still lived with my parents when... Yeah. And..." She sighed, lifting a hand to mess with her hair, twisting a strand around her finger and tugging on it almost absently. "So yeah, I kind of wish I'd taken more chances or done more or something. I dunno."
"Regrets aren't anything great to hold onto. And if you're missing your family like that, and you were close, why don't you ask to get sent back? I don't know that they wouldn't honor that, and it seems like you'd much rather be there..." Violet encouraged, not seeing any reason whatsoever for Becka to be here if she didn't wish to be. There could be other people in the prison system who would give up a limb to take her place, and if she wasn't happy here...it didn't make sense to her to perpetuate it. "Maybe if you got sent back, you could start working on some of those regrets."
"I'm not usually like this, I swear," Becka said, pulling a face. "I'm not one to have a bunch of regrets or to seem depressed or whatever. I dunno, maybe it's the weather," she joked weakly. "But yeah, when I get out I definitely plan to reprioritize things, and I might ask to go back." She shrugged, dropping her hand back to her lap.
Violet looked slightly confused for a moment. "....Becka, I wasn't complaining about anything. I wasn't even making a judgment on things." she said gently, wondering if Becka's default stance was to be very defensive, assuming everyone around her was judgmental. It was kind of hurtful for her to be cast in that light, when she'd not been implying in the slightest that Becka was being dramatic or anything. She thought the girl was given a bum deal here, and had every right to be feeling everything she was feeling. So Becka's statements seemed out of the blue for Violet, like she missed a step.
Becka frowned, brows furrowing in confusion at Violet's words, realizing that she'd misunderstood where her comment had come from. "Oh, I didn't think you were! I'm just frustrated with myself," she clarified. "I don't like feeling this way. It's stressful and exhausting and makes me feel like I'm wearing someone else's skin. I'm usually happy and optimistic and everything. So yeah, I really didn't think you were complaining or being judgmental at all."
Relief crossed Violet's features. "Oh! Okay then!" she said, feeling better. "Yeah, cuz I think you're perfectly within your rights on it all. I just feel bad that you're here at all, if you don't want to be, and were happier elsewhere." she said honestly. "Doesn't seem fair in the slightest."
The relief in Violet's features made Becka feel just a little guilty for having given the other girl something to worry about in the first place, but she wasn't going to dwell on it since it had, thankfully, been figured out. "It doesn't, yeah. I mean, at first I thought it sounded like a good idea, the chance for a fresh start without the conviction following me, but I don't know. It just feels like there's more going on here than that. And I miss having that clear set of rules and like the predictability at Shakopee," she admitted.
"I'd definitely ask to get sent back, if I were you." Violet said with a sigh, propping her chin on her hand. "I know what you mean about the rules, thing. I don't really know how we're meant to behave when we've got no structure whatsoever."
“I might. I don’t think I want to make a decision when I’m feeling like this, y’know? So maybe I’ll sleep on it and see how I feel about it all in the morning. And who knows? Maybe they’ll have taken suggestions into account and give us more of a purpose. And maybe this storm will break up and we’ll have some sunshine again.” Literally and figuratively. She could hope, right? “But yeah, I feel like I’m floundering without any real structure here,” she agreed even if it wasn’t exactly how Violet had worded things.
"I'm definitely more used to a structured world. There are rules, both of the workplace and the world in general. Everyone knows what they are, people follow along...I miss the security of knowing what's expected of me." Violet said.
"Me too," Becka agreed, wrinkling her nose. "Me too." And that, she knew, was like the straw that was breaking the camel's back in all of this. She could deal with missing her family, she thought, through writing them letters and looking at all the pictures she had of them, but not having her family and not having any real structure was making things very difficult for her. "So I guess we're both hoping that they'll give some direction or rules or something."
Violet smiled. "Here's hoping." she agreed wholeheartedly. Then she sat up straighter. "And on that note, the both of us ought to go find something much more entertaining to do." she said decisively. "We're both cooped up down here! Let's go find something fun to do, at least for tonight."
Becka laughed lightly at the change of subject. “You know, we really should,” she agreed, standing up, more than happy to get out of the basement. So, where to do you think? The activity room?” she suggested, assuming that Violet meant for them to go find something to do together. It would be nice, she thought, to hang out with her without the ‘work’ setting or crying about dramas.