Casting Light on Shadows
Characters: Adam and Wren Setting: Library, evening
Adam was still upset with Charlie, but he couldn’t do anything more than clean up his dishes after the guy, then went back to his room. He clicked through the journals for a bit before looking at his hand for a little longer as the storm started up. It wasn’t anything different than the storm the earlier, but the lights flickered which had him looking at them for a long moment. He didn’t actually have a plan for the power going out beyond sitting in the dark, so maybe some candles or something would be a good idea.
He set out towards the spiritual room, thinking he’d seen candles in there when he checked the room out, relieved to find a few left. He snagged two, making a mental note to take them back after, then started towards the cafeteria to find some matches. He remembered a box of them by the bar.
Finally feeling prepared, even as the lights kept flickering, he started towards his room, slowing as he passed the library, thinking that he saw a familiar figure. Smiling a little he stepped into the room, looking towards where he thought he’d seen her. “Wren?”
Wren was in a quiet, thoughtful mood after speaking with Wu. She'd gone to the library, thinking that she was meant to be doing things with other people, but she spent lot of her time alone. And while she was aware of the 'threats', she wasn't certain she felt all that threatened. She'd gone to the library and had a stack of heavy books on the floor next to her, that she was trying to go through even with the power flickering. When she heard her name, she looked up, and smiled when she saw Adam. "Hello." she said. "How are you?" She dog-eared the page she was on, and shut the book.
He couldn’t help but answer her smile with one of his own, moving closer to her and eying the stack of books. What mattered was that she was smiling. That was definitely a good sign. “M’alright I guess. Got the stitches out of my hand. Some blood drawn.” He wanted to bring up Charlie, but considering it hadn’t gone well, he wasn’t sure how to.
"I'm glad you got the stitches out." Wren said. "What did you need blood drawn for?" she asked, thinking of Kyle. Was everyone getting tested for something? At least Kyle was healthy, thank goodness. She didn't really know how to go about dealing with disease. She hadn't had to deal with it much in the commune.
Adam set the candles down and sat with her, back against one of the shelves. “Couple of things. One for my diabetes. Then just...to make sure I’m okay otherwise.” He was probably supposed to tell Wren about things too, like Autumn had suggested.
She looked at his hand, to see if she could see where he'd cut it, though she didn't try to reach out and move it to make sure she could. "Do you think you'll be okay otherwise?" she asked. That seemed fuzzy to her. Vague. She sort of felt like she should be reading subtext there, but wasn't quite positive what it would be.
He spotted her looking at his hand and tilted it so she could see. It was still a little scabbed, but healing. At her question he let out a sigh and shrugged. “No idea. My luck, probably not, but I guess...I’m not worried about it really. What’s one more issue right?” He already had plenty. Adding to it just seemed fitting.
She saw the pink, healing skin there, and the scabs, and thought at least it did look much better. That was good. Then she looked back up to his features. "...I feel like I'm missing something." she admitted to him. "Like, you're talking to me but not saying what I need to know?"
“I know. I should be telling you more. I’m just not sure I’m ready for how you’re going to look at me after the fact.” Adam gave her a weak smile. “It’s... a lot of things. Mostly prison things. Things that happened.”
Wren looked confused. She was silent, mulling over what she knew of him, even if it was still little at this point. "Are you speaking about why you don't like it when I hugged you?" she asked, thinking that was the only major thing she'd stumbled upon. But even then she wasn't exactly sure what had gone on. "Why would I look at you differently than I do right now?"
Adam shook his head. “It wasn’t that I didn’t like it,” he said first before sighing again. “But yeah that’s part of it. Or why it happens.” He was quiet, trying to find the right words. “In prison. I was attacked. More than once and...” Fuck he got stuck on the word. Every time.
Wren was patient. She didn't try to supply the word for him, she merely waited, the information not coming as a surprise. She understood that it happened, it had happened in her prison as well, after all. She'd not been victimized herself, her own abuse coming in the emotional and mental variety as opposed to others. Still, she'd put things together, when he'd been talking to her when she was on the farm. or, she'd put some of it together. She had it clicked into place more completely now.
When she didn’t say anything, Adam looked pained, looking at his hands and not her. “...Assaulted.” It was quiet, very quiet. “I’m working on the hugging thing. But it wasn’t you.”
She wasn't entirely positive that was the only word that could have been used, but she accepted it anyhow. "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help." she told him, voice light, gentle. "And if you ever want to talk, I am a good listener." she added. Which he knew, he'd already leaned on her, just as she had him. But the offer was made regardless.
He glanced up at her, smiling just a tiny bit. “You do enough already. Just bear with me a little.” Adam shook his head and let out a breath. “I don’t want to dump that on you. It’s not pretty.” And he still wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it, even though Cal had been pretty sure he needed to.
"The world isn't a pretty place." Wren told him, voice very even on that. It was true. She held out her arms, to show the scars there. "I'm aware just how ugly it can be, in quite the up close, and personal manner. Both physical violence, and beyond." She'd been through a lot. her world had been shattered, and she was still trying to collect the pieces. So, she didn't consider his keeping something ugly from her as a valid source of reasoning.
Adam reached out to take one arm, squeezing it near her wrist to be reassuring. “You never told me about these. Not yet at least. But I know you know. I just don’t feel comfortable talking about it.”
"If you don't feel comfortable talking about it, that's okay. I won't force you to." Wren said. "Just...know that it's because you don't want to talk about it. Don't frame it as if you're doing me a favor by not sharing." she advised. She looked at her arms again. "I was attacked. I'm told someone was attempting to make a name for themselves. I never saw it coming. One moment everything was okay, the next someone was trying to kill me. I spent a lot of time in the infirmary, and after that they moved me to a lower security prison, with less...volatile inmates. An argument was made that due to my past and the fact that I was not a violent offender, I should be kept in a place that was less likely to be harmful to me."
“Maybe I’m doing me a favor then,” Adam said looking at her arms then back to her eyes. “I hate that that happened to you. That it took that to put you somewhere where you were safe.” He knew how not feeling safe felt, what it was like, and he didn’t want that for Wren.
"I learned a lot from it." Wren told him. "It was awful, it was painful, and terrifying, but I learned from it." she continued. "Why do you think it's doing you a favor?" she asked.
“What did you learn?” he asked, honestly curious about that. “Because it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve never talked about it. I wouldn’t now, but you should know why I reacted badly to your hug.”
"That I knew even less about the world than I had originally learned when I was brought outside the commune." Wren told him. "That people can do things like that, and for reasons that make little sense to me. That I needed to pay better attention. That the infirmary staff was kind." she said. "Among other things." She shrugged one shoulder. "You can learn a lot from anything, if you take the time to look at it." she added. "Even if it's painful, and you learn things that don't make your world a happier place." She was quiet again for a moment. "What happened to you is part of you. It makes up who you are today." she told him. "Whether or not it makes you uncomfortable, it's part of you. You're figuring out who that is--perhaps it's very, very important for you to accept it, and learn from it yourself. Or even just learn that it's part of who you are."
He nodded a little, feeling like he learned a few of the same things. “The infirmary staff at our prison wasn’t bad either. I spent a lot of time there too. Not just for what happened. I was there for the diabetes.” He didn’t want to admit she was right, but he supposed she was. “I guess I don’t want it to be. That I could forget it.” Which he also knew was unreasonable.
"In my experience, forgetting things doesn't make them disappear. And it means you've taken nothing away from the experience in itself. Bad things happen. But it doesn't mean they shouldn't, or that it's best to sweep them under the rug. I believe in remembering exactly where you've come from. Otherwise how are you going to move forward at all?" she posed.
Adam pressed at one finger with his thumbnail, nodding. “I know that. I do. It makes perfect sense, but it doesn’t make it something I want to do any more than not knowing that.”
"People always have to do things they don't want to do." Wren said. "It doesn't mean they shouldn't do them." She drew in a breath and let it out slowly. "I understand people have difficulty talking about things. There's very few topics I do, but even I stumble at times. Though, I suppose my own issues with topics are due to the fact that I'm not certain I fully understand the implications."
“I know. Cal wants me to talk to him.” And Wren for that matter, but Adam kept it to himself. “How so? Like what others will think or what it will say about you?”
"Do you want to talk to Cal?" Wren asked. "Would that be different than talking to someone else?" She frowned slightly when he asked his last question. "...no, because I'm detached from it." she said. "I'm told my whole life was full of abuse of several shades, and I have trouble connecting with that idea. To me it was just my life, to others, it was a horrible ordeal full of bad things. Why would..." she trailed off. "Adam, other people are always going to look at me as if I am an outsider, because I am. People are always going to find me odd, because I am. But what they think doesn't matter to me. What I think matters to me. What people close to me think matters to me." she made a gesture towards the door. "But 'them'?" she shook her head. "They don't matter like that." She looked back to him. "And people can say all they want. The only words that matter to me are those spoken by those I care about."
“No. But not because it’s Cal, because like I said. I don’t want to talk.” Adam shook his head, knowing it was stupid, but he really didn’t feel ready to dredge it all up. “As for Cal...yeah. He’s the doctor right?” And the other part, about being a shrink, but Cal had asked him to keep that to himself. At the same time though, he wanted Wren to feel okay with speaking with him when he approached her. “He’s good at that sort of thing. If you were looking for someone who was.”
“I don’t think you’d be able to adjust to that sort of news easily. Not without someone to talk about it. Or through it or whatever.” Adam could only imagine what that was like. At least the abuse he saw came in the form of an attack, something he was familiar with. “I don’t find you odd in a bad way. I mean, you’re different, but I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t bother me.” He was quiet for a moment, looking at his hands again. “I talked to Charlie today. About you.”
"Well, if you come to a place where you decide you're going to talk anyhow, I'm available." she told him. She also might have commented more on everything else, but he brought up Chester. "Is he alright? He was...quite drunk when I saw him last, and I'm afraid he might be under the weather because of it."
Adam squeezed her arm again, holding on to it for a moment. “I know you are. Just like you know I’m here for you if you need it.” He gave her a half smile before she asked about Charlie. “Was he? Go figure.” Adam shook his head and shrugged. “He was fine. He doesn’t like me very much anymore. But I couldn’t...I couldn’t not say anything.”
Wren felt like she was missing things again. "...what did you say?" she asked.
Adam frowned a little. “That he shouldn’t have lied to you. Or made you feel like what you felt and thought wasn’t worthwhile. That he shouldn’t have made you feel like you weren’t able to help. Because you are. You help me all the time.”
"I'm glad that I help you." Wren said. "I've...started feeling better about that, on some levels." She was still hesitant, that was clear, but she wasn't entirely opposed anymore. "Kyle says I helped him. Becka says I helped her. And I talked to Chester, who didn't mean to make me feel the way I did." She paused, nibbling at her lower lip. "He lied to me because it was part of what he was doing. When we met, I was a stranger, just a part of an organization he saw as corrupt. Abusive. He lied because he had a job to do. I can understand that." she said. "It hurts, that he lied. But I understand it."
“Kyle said you were going to do a reading for him, did you?” Adam asked, hoping the answer was yes. “You do help Wren. You see things differently than I do. Which helps.” He listened to her about Charlie, but shook his head. “I don’t see how he could keep lying. What was his job anyway? What good did it do?” he asked. “He might not have meant to make you feel that way, but he did. He hurt you and he didn’t even realize it. I guess...I don’t want anyone to hurt you. You’ve been through enough.”
Nodding, Wren confirmed that she'd done a reading for Kyle. "It seemed to make him feel better, on some levels." she said. She again, might have continued on other tracks, but felt the need to attempt to explain Chester's behavior. "I appreciate your concern." she told him genuinely. "It makes me feel good to know you care that much, to want to protect me." she added.
"Chester did realize he hurt me. He wasn't oblivious. And he could keep lying, because that was what he was meant to do. He was there for a reason, he didn't lose sight of that reason. He wanted to try and break up the...the cult." she said tripping over the word 'cult' as usual, but she was making an attempt to put it in terms she knew fundamentally were true, even if they were difficult for her to say. "To tell me the truth would have broken his plans, and the second Brian heard of it, he would have been ousted from the community, and he would never have seen any of us again." she continued. "As for what good it did...it didn't. But that isn't the point. If people were only ever judged by their successes, then the whole world would be a much more miserable place. Intentions count. He intended to do something good. It did not work out the way he wanted. But just because it didn't doesn't mean he shouldn't have tried, and it doesn't make it any less good that he put in the effort." She rubbed at one of the runes on her wrist. "If Kyle had not felt any better after my reading for him, would it have made my efforts useless and unnecessary? Would it have negated my intention to help give him guidance?"
“Kyle said he was looking for direction. So I’m guessing if you helped with that, you helped him plenty. I’m glad you did it though. The reading. Glad for you.” Adam smiled a little with it, trying to be reassuring.
“Wren..” he started, glancing up as the lights flickered again, then shook his head. “He didn’t really help. He might have, but he didn’t. I guess I have a hard time justifying the lie when it didn’t help things. When it hurt you on top of everything else. I can’t imagine lying to someone I care about. Not like that.” He watched her fingers rub at the marks on her arms, wondering what it meant. “No. If you were still giving him guidance, then it would have helped. Though I guess you’re trying to justify what Charlie did?”
Wren also looked up when the power flickered, and there was a huge roll of thunder outside that almost drowned him out. It didn't quite, however. Her attention went back to Adam. "I can't either. But the world is made up of all sorts of different types of people." she said. "And it hurt, but I'm not--I'm not dwelling on that. That isn't keeping me awake at night. I understand it." she continued. "I'm not holding it against him."
"I'm not trying to justify it, I'm trying to put it into perspective. I understand why you feel that it's wrong, and I understand why you take issue. I just don't think that's the whole picture, so I'm presenting the parts I believe you're missing." she told him. "He did what he thought was right. What he truly believed in. He wanted to help a whole lot of people. It didn't work out that way. But it took bravery to try it in the first place. It took commitment. He was there for years, away from his family, away from his loved ones. Because he believed in saving people like me. Whether or not he managed it..." she shook her head. "That isn't a reflection on the man. That's a reflection on Brian. You're aiming your discontent in the wrong direction. If you want to be angry at someone who hurt me, look to my 'husband', not to the only friend I ever truly had there."
Adam listened to her even if he had a hard time giving up on how he felt about Charlie hurting her. “You’re okay with what he did here? You were pretty upset about how he made you feel. Like he was humoring you.” He looked at her, needing to know she was okay with things there first, before he could consider anything else. At mention of her husband he made a face. “I don’t know if I can get into how upset that might make me. You really...married. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around that.”
"They're entirely different things." Wren said. "His lying to me about who he was, and his attempt to help have no bearing on him humoring me or making me feel bad. They're all different things. I'm uncertain why you're linking them together when they're so very separate. Also, as I told him, just because I don't like how he made me feel doesn't mean I'm upset with him because of it. When people say something you don't like, I know most people take it out on that person, but it's an ignorant response. What's the saying? Don't shoot the messenger?" she asked, hoping she got it correct. "What he said and who he is are different things. What he's doing now and what he did then are different. I'm not angry with him. I never was. Just...upset. But I'm feeling a little better now." she assured Adam. "...should I not mention it?" she asked, unsure how to respond to his saying it was upsetting for him to talk about her husband. "I can refrain, if it makes things easier for you."
“I know they’re different. It’s just the fact that it’s all there. That he did all of it. I know it’s not related, but it’s the total of things as a whole.” Adam let out a sigh, not entirely able to argue with her logic. “Don’t shoot the messenger,” he confirmed. “It’s a little different though. That’s more if he’d told you what someone else said, then you wouldn’t really be justified in being angry with him. I think you still have every right to be angry with him in your situation. But that you’re not...I guess it makes you a more tolerant person than the rest of us. I’m glad you’re feeling better though.” He shook his head. “No you can. I want to understand. And if you want to talk about it, then definitely. I just hate the idea of you being all but forced into a marriage where you didn’t really love him. Or he didn’t love you back.”
"When it comes to me, I believe he's slightly misguided. I think he would prefer if I was kept safe from everything, and to him, safe means far away from anything and everything." Wren said. "To him that means I would be safe. To me that means something different. We've agreed to argue about the subject." she shared. "I suppose I see things differently. To me, it doesn't matter who the 'message' came from, even if it's him. I know, however, that I tend to take nothing personally, when most people do. I'm...objective, by nature. I always needed to be at the commune. My own personal feelings or opinions didn't matter, it was what Fate had to say that was important. And, I wasn't allowed to truly be me around people, because they expected me to be their guide, which meant I wasn't allowed to have a bad day around them. It was only ever Chester who treated me like a real person." she continued. "So, even if people would view it that I have a right to be angry...I'm really not."
She tensed as the lights flickered and stayed out this time. "I'm still not entirely certain what 'love' truly entails." she said, figuring the lights would be back shortly, and if not, they would need to go find candles. Which she knew there were some in the spiritual room. "I wasn't so much 'forced' into it as it was merely my duty, one I had been informed of...you know, I don't think I remember an exact time when I was told. It was sort of just there, from the start. I was going to marry him when I turned fifteen. That was just how it was."
“I want you to be safe, but I don’t want you to be cut off,” Adam said shaking his head. She’d been cut off for too long hadn’t she? “You can be you now. With me. I’d like that actually. I think your personal opinions and feelings matter, and that he’s not the only one who cares or wants to treat you like a real person now.” He let out a sigh and shook his head. “If you’re not angry, you aren’t. I understand that I guess, just so long as you’re not thinking you don’t have a right to.”
When the lights flickered out Adam looked up, reaching for the candles he’d gone looking for earlier. What did it mean if the power went out? “I can’t really weigh in on love either, never been there, but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be more than a duty. Or marriage is supposed to be. And you really aren’t supposed to be expecting it at fifteen.” There was a pause where he looked at her, eyes starting to adjust to the dark. “Were you...with him? Physically?” Was that legal?
Wren smiled in the dark. "I know I can be myself around you, Adam." she told him warmly. "I appreciate it." She listened to everything else he had to say, thinking that from everything she'd been told since leaving the commune, and everything she read, she knew her situation had not been normal in the slightest. and that love should have been present in her life, especially with the man she was married to, but it had not been there. "Yes." she answered him. "It was expected. I was his wife."
Adam had his hand on the candle he’d brought trying to get used to the dark so he could actually see something and light it without setting himself on fire. When she answered his question he looked at her, glad she couldn’t see his face because he was sure he didn’t look good. Something between sick and angry. “That’s not even legal. I mean, no it’s not. Shit. Shit.” There was a pause where he tried to get his emotions in check. “I’m sorry.”
She didn't really need to see his face, she could hear it in his voice. "My mother consented." she said. Though she was still slightly hazy on whether that mattered. All she did know was in no uncertain terms, she was told by her lawyer that she was not legally married. She wanted to reach out to give his arm a squeeze, but she didn't want to make him uncomfortable. "But you are correct. It was not legal. I am not married, in the eyes of the government. I suppose, in my own eyes as well. It's just been hard for me to really come to terms with the fact that essentially, I've been made to understand it was never real to begin with. But, for me, I was married at fifteen, and was not removed from the commune for many years after."
Adam ran his hand over his face, frowning a little. “No it probably wasn’t legal and I definitely feel like they could have busted him for statutory rape if they wanted, but...” He trailed off for a moment, looking at the candle in his hands which was starting to take shape as his eyes adjusted to the dark. “If you thought it was real then I suppose it was. It wasn’t right or fair but it still happened. Even if it wasn’t legally binding.” He fished in his pocket for the matches then managed to light one with some fumbling, lighting the candle and setting it between them.
"Correct. Just because I'm told it wasn't legal, it wasn't 'right', it wasn't many things, it still happened. I had no idea of those other factors." When he lit the match, she squinted her eyes. "I've been told it was 'abuse'." she said. "On many levels."
“So it still happened to you, you still went through it. And I suppose in a way it was. I think that’s what they call being with a kid no matter the situation. You shouldn’t have had to be with someone like that until you were ready, not just because you were married.” Adam was quiet for a moment, watching the flame on the candle before looking up at her. “Do you miss him? Or I guess...were you close enough to him to miss him?”
Wren considered that. She supposed she hadn't thought about it in such terms. "I don't know." she said. "He fed poison to everyone who believed in him. Everyone I ever knew." She stared into the dark, trying to sort through how she felt. "I don't think I do. Sometimes I think I miss a presence that's so sure. Brian was always sure of himself. Not once did I see him falter, not for any longer than a second. That part was nice. It made me feel...safe. Like everything was taken care of. But since then, I realize it was different than that, really. I wasn't safe, I was captive. It's...it's hard to describe. I'm sorry I'm not doing a proper job."
Adam shook his head. “You’re doing a fine job,” he promised, reaching out to find her hand, trying to get her to look at him. “Maybe you miss being around someone. Having that kind of connection.” She deserved someone who wasn’t going to let her down, someone who was going to be confident like Brian had been, but without being as dangerous as he’d been. “Do you want that again? With someone else?”
She looked over when he touched her, letting him take her hand. She threaded her fingers through his. "I miss being around someone that sure, I suppose. It's comforting to think you're in something with someone who knows what they're doing." she said. Which she pretty much hadn't felt since that awful day. Confusion flickered over Wren's features at his last questions. "...do I want...what, marriage?"
Adam faltered for a moment, not sure what to do with her holding his hand like that. It was nice, no doubt about that, but he was surprised that she was doing it. “Knows what they’re doing how?” he asked, then shrugged. “Maybe. Or maybe just something serious. Or at all.”
"...I've felt lost since the day everyone died. I miss someone seeming like they know what's even going on." she said, hoping that filled in the blank better. The other question she had to ponder over. "I think so." she said, though her tone was very hesitant. Unsure. "But I would want it to be like it is meant to be? And I feel I am ill suited to such things. I don't even know if I'm fully capable of it. I don't know how I would even identify it if it happened. Seems unfair, to saddle someone I cared about in that manner to deal with such a fumbling partner."
Adam nodded. “I could use someone who seems like they know what’s going on. Probably what I like about Kyle. Though at times I like him more when he’s less to put together.” He smiled a little at the thought of his friend. “Fumbling? There’s a lot of fumbling partners out there. I’m fumbling. It’s not something that you’re saddling someone with if they want to be with you.” He squeezed her hand.
"Why do you like Kyle when he's less put together?" she asked curiously. "And I don't know. You managed to have a girlfriend here, and so very quickly." Wren said. "So you can't be that fumbling." she said. "You're much more normal than I am." she added. "I don't know what someone would find attractive about me. Because that's what it's meant to be about, yes? Attraction?"
“He’s more real like that,” Adam said straight away. “I like that he’s confident, that he knows who he is, but I do really like the broken parts too. The ones that make him seem less perfect. Like he’s more like me.” It was an odd thing to like, someone’s flaws, but Adam couldn’t help it. Wincing a little he shook his head. “Don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t think I was that close to one, but yeah that’s definitely not happening now.” Which he still was feeling bad about. “You don’t...you’re joking right?”
Wren actually smiled at that. "You sound like you...like him." she told him, giving his hand a squeeze. "When people talk about liking someone for the cracks they show, that's what it's always been. Whenever I advised people at the commune, when they talked like that, I knew what I was hearing." she told him. "And you were. I spoke to her earlier, and she was sad when you came up. She was good about it all, and I believe she holds no ill will whatsoever, but she became sad when your name was mentioned." she shared, thinking he needed to know that. He was discounting something there that needed to not be discounted. "...what would I be joking about?" she asked, blinking at him blankly.
Adam opened his mouth twice, then made a face, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I don’t like him. I’m not...” Not what? Into guys? That made sense, except without warning Adam’s mind spiraled away from him to thinking more of Kyle like something other than his friend and he physically shook his head until it went away. “He’s just my friend. Probably my best friend here. Or in a while. Or at all.” Because Jeffrey hadn’t been all that good for him, especially in the end. “I get sad thinking about her too. But I couldn’t be what she wanted. Or needed.” He half laughed at Wren then shook his head. “About not knowing what about you’s attractive. Because it’s an awful lot. Even Kyle thinks you’re pretty and he doesn’t like girls.”
Wren watched him, seeing the denial there. "It's okay, you know." she told him. "Just...that's what you sound like. Like you've got more in the works for Kyle than mere friendship." she said, giving his hand another squeeze, to reassure him. "We could always ask the cards, if you really wanted a better picture." she offered hesitantly.
She was left staring again at the last part. "Kyle thinks I'm pretty?" she asked. "I...oh." she said. Physical beauty hadn't been stressed as important where they'd been. Life was about other things. And it wasn't as if she'd never ever heard it before, it was merely something she didn't quite think about on anything like a regular basis. "I...oh." she repeated, at a loss.
“More in the what?” Adam said fumbling over it before shaking his head. “No. I mean it’s fine yeah, but no. Friends.” Though the fact that Leandro was out of the picture jumped into his mind and Adam internally swore at himself. When she offered to ask the cards he raised an eyebrow, looking at her. “You can do a reading on me and Kyle?”
Adam nodded, squeezing her hand. “He does.” There was a pause, then the next part blurted out before he could stop it. “I think you’re pretty. Really pretty.”
"I would probably do something that was more you-centric." Wren told him. And she stared at him yet again. "You do?" she asked. Then she smiled, a sudden, warm, genuine expression. Her cheeks darkened, barely seen in the light, but there. "Thank you." she said, voice a little shier than a moment ago.
He thought about it for a second then nodded. “You should then. Do a reading for me. You said you would a while ago.” Or he thought she did. He hadn’t been as interested in her help back then. Her blush was met with one of his own, Adam’s head ducking to run his fingers along the back of his neck. “Yeah I do. So just..stop worrying about that part. Because you don’t have to. Anyone would be stoked to be with you.”
"Isn't it supposed to be more than just someone being pretty, though?" she asked. "Let's say you're right, that I am pretty. I'm still a strange girl who was part of a cult, does strange things and believes things other people don't, I still know nothing about the world. I'm...very damaged. I think I've been seeing that more since I got here than I have in the years since I was taken from the commune." she said honestly.
“Well yeah of course it is, but...” He trailed off for a moment, trying to find the right words. “You’re right. About those things, but there’s more to you than that. You have these moments where you’re spellbinding. And you seem to be so pure in how you feel about things, how you see things. Maybe what you need is someone who wants to show you new things. Who’s fine with you learning as you go. Because...that’s not a bad thing.”
Spellbinding. That...was a word Wren was positive that she would never have put in the same sentence as herself, let alone use it to describe her. She watched Adam as he spoke, not feeling like he was lying to her at all. Like he was telling her things to make her feel better. It left her speechless for a few long moments. "You really think I'm worth all the other terrible things?" she asked very quietly. "...what...spellbinding?" she was going to have to really process that idea.
He shrugged. “Yeah, you are. You’re more than the bad things. And I think when you figure it out you’re going to be...better than the rest of us.” He smiled a little biting at his lip then running his tongue over it and repeating the whole thing again. “Yeah. That too. That’s why I stare sometimes probably.”
"I'm better than no one." Wren said. "No one at all." She hadn't noticed him staring at her at all, so, either she'd missed it, or he was very good at hiding it. Or she'd thought it was for another reason at the time, and brushed it off so as not to have noted it strongly. She kept her eyes on him, watching him worry at his lip. "I never noticed you staring." she told him.
He shook his head. “You are though. You’re so much more patient and you’ve got this way about you. You are.” She was better than him for sure. “Good. Because you noticing would be embarrassing. But I have before. And I probably will again.”
Wren wondered if that meant Adam liked her. Though, she imagined if he did, he would say as much. And she was already thinking he liked Kyle. Though, it was always possible to like more than one person--that had been a problem at the commune as well. With everyone living so close together and all, people quite often found themselves distracted by more than one person. And this was a situation not that different, on some levels. "Okay. Should I notice, I will be sure not to draw attention." she assured him, with a little smile that just barely bordered on a pinch of impish.
He laughed a little and shook his head. “You can tell me if I’m doing it. If you see it. I probably shouldn’t be.” He squeezed her hand lightly, letting out a sigh. “Someone else probably sees it too. Someone less...well you know how I am.” And he wasn’t sure he could be any better at being with Wren than he was at being with Becka.
"I know how you are." Wren said. "I don't mind." she added. She didn't. She could understand. And her nature was to accommodate people, really. So, she easily did that. "Are you talking about a specific 'someone', or you're speaking hypothetically?" she asked, curious.
“I’m glad you don’t. Makes it a little easier for me,” Adam told her. It made him feel just a little less self conscious about it. “Hypothetically. I haven’t heard anything otherwise. I’ll let you know if I do.” For now he supposed it was just him, in his own little way.
"I would appreciate it." Wren said. She was quiet for a few minutes, watching him, still. She said nothing, just taking him in, thinking when she'd first set out to help him, she hadn't imagined this scenario.
“Of course.” He was fine with her looking at him, but then it went on for a little longer than he expected and he frowned. “What did I do?”
"Nothing." Wren said. "You're just sweet. I appreciate that." she told him, being totally honest. "I was thinking about how when I decided you needed my help, I never imagined this sort of thing." she said, glancing around them. "I was prepared for you to dislike me. I even told you as much when you were upset about your door, remember? I told you that because you didn't especially like me, it could possibly be easier for you to talk to me. There would be no pressures in other areas."
“I am nothing if not sweet,” Adam said shaking his head. He was still half hating hearing that, but at least it was different coming from Wren. Less of a ‘pat on the head’ kind of comment. “I remember. I was actually pretty sure I was going to hate you. Didn’t quite work out that way.”
That got a little laugh out of Wren, and she smiled at him, a bright one. "I was certain you were going to as well, after your reaction. I was just determined. I'll go through hell and high water if it means I can help someone." she said. "I suppose I'm still unclear how it did not work the way we both seemed convinced it would."
“Well it wasn’t entirely my best day. Actually about as far from it as I could get.” Adam shrugged a little, answering her smile. “See? That’s what makes you better. That hell and high water thing. As for why...I have no idea. Good luck.”
"An argument could be made that I was merely a nosey person pushing her nose in where it didn't belong, and was entirely unwelcome." she pointed out. But it was with a smile. "And you certainly helped me. You were really there for me, when you didn't really have to be. You dropped everything to go to Kyle's side, even if you had not hours before been going through a very hard time yourself."
“Well yeah. That was the argument I was making that morning. But I was also really fucking tired and my hand hurt and I was pretty damn pissed at the whole world.” He felt his cheeks pink a little and he shoulders shrugged a little. “I’m not usually in a space where I can help. So I wanted to. Plus, he really needed someone. I couldn’t say no.”
"Don't lessen it." Wren chided gently, patting the hand she held with her free one. "Don't turn it into something it isn't, or try to make it seem like it wasn't a good thing. It was. Being there for people is the mark of a good friend. You've proven you are one. So, take that. Hold it close. You need to remember about being a good person. I think you forget, a lot."
Adam thought about that, surprised where his mind went. “I don’t think I’ve ever really had a chance to be a good friend. Not like...not like this.” He’d been a good friend to Jeffrey in the way he followed him, the way he stuck close to his side even when things went to shit, but that might not have been the right route to go down. “I think I forget too.”
"Well, you've had your chance and immediately fulfilled the requirements." she told him, giving him a warm smile. "Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that you are a good friend." She turned their hands so his was on top, and she traced onto the back of his hand. "Wunjo. It's a rune that's linked to things like friendship, harmony, community, joy..." She paused, then twisted slightly, pointing out where it was on her forearm. “This one.”
“I like that conclusion,” Adam said, smiling, but he fell silent when she traced the lines on his hand, trying to figure out the shape before she showed it to him, moving in closer he pulled her arm towards him, towards the light to trace the tattoo on her arm. “Interesting. I like these,” he said tapping the ink on her skin. “I don’t think I’ve said that before. Way cooler than mine.”
Goosebumps rose up on Wren's arm when Adam traced it, and she shivered a little, laughing at the sensation. "Thank you." she said with a smile. "I like them. Though I will admit I got many strange looks in prison. They're all over." she explained. "What are yours?" she asked curiously.
Adam caught the shiver and the goosebumps, shocked that he’d done that to her. That was surprising. “All over?” He’d seen quite a few of them on her shoulders and arms but that was it really. The way she spoke, there were more than that. “Just the one.” He pointed to his shoulder then realized he could just show her and pulled back, turning his back to her. It took a moment to pull his shirts up, showing off a lot of back before the tattoo on his shoulder was visible, the tribal style hawk, nothing too fancy, the there across his shoulderblade.
She nodded. "Yes, all over." she confirmed. "Runes, latin, numbers...a lot of things." She sat back when he did, and she moved the candle slightly so she could get a better look at his back. "It has very sharp lines." she said, a note of approval in her voice. "What does it mean to you?" she asked, glancing at the rest of his back as well, though she wasn't sure what for. Scars? Like hers?
“All over. That’s...a nice mental picture.” He smile slightly and shrugged. “A couple of things. I wanted to do something different, sort of out of my usual box, so the idea for the tattoo came to me. I read this thing once about hawks symbolising vision and insight. Awareness. That felt like me. I’m good at noticing things.” He was observant, having spent too much time on the outside looking in. Adam was going to let his shirt drop, but glancing at her over his shoulder had him spotting her looking at the rest of him. There wasn’t much to see there, just some scattered freckles, lines of lean muscle. The injection spot for his pump was just above the line of his jeans, with a few small pinprick sized scars around his hips on either side.
Wren wasn't entirely sure what to say to the idea of her tattoos being a nice mental picture. She found herself blushing again, and she wasn't even positive why. Probably because she wasn't a shy person, but she also wasn't used to the idea of anyone looking at her and appreciating the view. It was a foreign sort of idea. She got caught up in his story, however. "I know how that feels." she told him. "Being good at noticing things. I like it. I like the design, I like the reasons behind it. I think it's fitting, for you." she told him. Her eyes stayed on the tiny scars. It was good he didn't have larger ones like she did. "These?" she asked, glancing back up.
Adam twisted slightly to see where she was looking even if he had a good feeling where she was looking. “From the pump,” he said, touching the site to explain, like a plastic spot on his skin, small tube running from it. “Diabetes. I’ve had the pump since...high school maybe? It’s easier,” he said pulling it out of his pocket so she could see it. “The scars are minimal, and they fade after a while if you take care of them. I have to move it every couple of days.”
She looked at the pump. There was a flicker of a frown on her features. "What do you need for this?" she asked, looking back up at him. "Is this something you can have help with? Could I keep something in my room for you, should you have an emergency?" she asked, unsure about the entire thing. She didn't know anything about Diabetes, so she wasn't sure what it could entail. All she did know was if she could help take precautionary measures, she would.
Adam let his shirt drop, turning to face her better, smile spreading across his features while he held the pump to the light so she could see it. “This is how I get my insulin. Because my body doesn’t make it so I can’t process sugar without it. As for help, you can’t help too much, but if you wanted to have a stash of simple sugars in your room in case I get low, that’d be great. Not necessary, but yeah. I can show you. I have my own stash in my room.” He tucked the pump away. “I’ve had it since I was a kid. I’m pretty good at taking care of myself at this point. Only had a few mishaps. And I’m glad I’m here because I finally have control over it again. In prison, not so much.”
Leaning closer to the pump, Wren looked it over more thoroughly. She didn't touch it, because she didn't want to do anything wrong. When he said she could keep sugar in her room, she looked back to him. "I can do that." she said with a nod. "I will do that." she added. It wouldn't hurt. And, after all, currently she was assuming she was stuck there for the night. What if they'd been in block b? He would have been stuck there and there wouldn't have been anything she could think of to give him. Was there simple sugar in fruit? She wasn't sure. "I'm happy that you can have control again as well." she told him, absolutely understanding what he meant there. That had to have been awful, really. Having others so much in charge that you couldn't even properly care for yourself.
“Cool,” Adam said with a smile. “Kyle says he has no idea what to do and has opted to keep his distance for fear of killing me. But I promise, it’s not that complicated. Just something I have to deal with. Of course it sometimes contributes to my mood. Like if my blood sugar is low, I can get really testy. Angry. And snarky. Jeffrey used to laugh when I got low and told people to fuck off.” Not the best memory, but there were definitely worse ones. “I feel better already. It’s been what? Nine days? I finally feel even as far as my health is concerned. It’s great.”
Wren didn't seem to think it was funny. "...what's funny about feeling like you need to tell people something like that?" she asked. It meant there was reason, right? She didn't think she could find the humor there. But then she'd been told Jeffrey wasn't the best of people in the world. She did smile at the last part, however. "Good, that you feel better." she said. "It's got to be relieving on a lot of levels, just having that control back. I know I felt a huge relief when I had my cards again."
“Probably because I’m not like that. And I didn’t really mean it. I just lashed out.” He smiled a little, trying to get her away from the part where she didn’t get the joke. “Definitely a relief. Favorite part of first arriving her. Having my own space and having my pump back.” He’d talked to Cal about it, about how it made such a difference to have control over at least one small thing. It wasn’t much, but it felt huge. “Are you still glad you have your cards?”
After a brief hesitation, she nodded. "I think I'm getting back there." she said. "People tell me I've helped. Maybe I do. Maybe it can't hurt. I suppose it's what I do. Turning back now wouldn't do me much good. It just makes me feel more lost. I’d felt like I had a purpose again. Like I could take an active role, help people. I’ve never had anything else in my life, it was terribly empty without that."
“You do help. With or without it, but...as you learn more about you and about everything else, I think the cards are definitely a good way for you to help. People can use your guidance to help themselves and you’re not quite having to sort out their real world problems.” Adam smiled a little. “I think you should take a more active role. Help. And get some help yourself when you need it. If you have something that makes you feel less empty, hold on to it.”
"I think I will." Wren said, giving Adam a little smile. "As for an active role...I was talking to Wu, today." she said. "Talking about the state of things here." she fell quiet, settling her back against the shelf again, pulling her knees up beneath her skirt, arms resting lightly around them. "About what this place needs."
Adam shifted closer to her, moving the candle so it was in front of them. “What did you figure it needs? I had a terrible answer to that question they asked us about on the journals. Mostly it was ‘I have no idea’.”
"We need a few things, but one of the most important, I believe, is we need a reason." Wren said. "We've been given a goal, but after talking to people, it seems a rather disturbing amount of us has no faith or trust that 'graduation' will ever happen. People are distrusting the administration by default. So, even if we've been presented a goal, I don't think people feel it." She glanced his way. "People need a reason to unite. Common ground, common enemy, common goal. It doesn't matter what it is, but people need it. Otherwise, we're just going to keep doing what we're already doing. Wandering through our days, doing not much of anything. If I know anything in this world, it's how a coherent, working group functions."
“Maybe we should put you in charge,” Adam said with a smile before leaning to bump his shoulder against hers. “I guess that makes sense though. I hadn’t really thought about the graduation part, but yeah I’m not sure I believe it either. Some people do. I think Becka does. But yeah a goal would be good. A task or something.”
She smiled at the bump to her shoulder, though she shook her head. "No one would listen to me. That isn't my place." she told him. "No one would take me seriously." She was just some weird, backwards, ignorant girl, after all. "Wu suggested the same. I told him I...lack certain aspects that would be required in someone who were to lead in a place such as this. If I was anywhere near it, it would need to be behind that person."
“I’d listen to you. And take you seriously. And I think people would see the girl who took charge with the stocks. You’d be surprised.” He looked at her, soft smile on his face. “Which aspects are you lacking?”
"I think people didn't like that I took charge with the stocks. I think that would be a black mark on my record." she told him. "As for which aspects..." she drew in a breath, and drew her fingers through her long hair. "I lack the capacity for violence." she admitted. "I'm not geared toward it. I can see it brewing, I can watch for it, be vigilant, but I am more than aware it will come to pass here, in one way or another."
Adam shook his head. “I don’t know if they’d all see it that way. You were doing something. That’s more than most.” More than he did. “Maybe you don’t need it. Maybe it’s better that you don’t have it. Maybe you can stop it when it comes.”
Wren turned her hands over, and traced along one white scar that bit into the heel of her hand. "I haven't been able to before." she said. "And I don't believe I would here either. I'm still healing up from Kasper attacking me." she pointed out. "I can't even defend myself. I would be ill equipped to defend anyone else. Therefore, I have a glaring weakness that anyone could exploit, if I were in a position of leadership."
He watched her trace the line of the scar before reaching out to stop her fingers. “Then you need a bouncer. A protector. You make the decisions and pick someone for your muscle. I’ll do it, but I’d be terrible at it.”
Looking back over at him, Wren smiled. "I appreciate the sentiment." she told him. "But no. I would need to be a whisper in someone else's ear." she explained. "It's something I'm used to. Something I understand. And it would mean there wasn't only one person wielding a lot of power. I've seen the devastation that can bring as well."
“So we need a group of people to run us,” he said, wanting to make sure he had it right. “I can see that. Makes sense and all. Not sure who we’d pick, but maybe there’s some good candidates.”
"A few." Wren said. "If it's too big, that doesn't work either." she added. "No, it has to be people that are trusted, but no single person who holds sway." She was quiet for a moment. "I'm unsure I would want to take it on at all, however. Wu warned me. He told me that I may have to be willing to sacrifice whoever I set up in that position. I know no one I would be willing to do that to. I don't know that I'd be capable of it at all, honestly."
“Sacrifice them? That sounds dangerous.” And less like something he wanted to put anyone up for either. “Who can be trusted by everyone here anyway. I have a few people I trust, but not many. And I don’t think everyone is going to trust them.”
"I'm not sure dangerous, so much as devastating for the person. I think he was talking about a different kind of sacrifice. After all, a position of leadership...it's no easy task. On any level." she said. "And I know. That's what I'm getting at with people needing a reason to come together. If it's just 'here, follow this person', it won't work either way. If there's something specific happening that has people banding together, then that's different."
“So it might take more of out of them than we want it to,” Adam said, hating the way that sounded. He didn’t want that for anyone he trusted either. “That sounds like it has to get worse before it gets better.”
"Exactly." Wren confirmed with a sigh. "So, it requires a lot further thought." she concluded. "And yes, I fear that's exactly what will come to pass." Drawing in a breath, she let it out slowly. "I have an idea." she told him. "One that will get all of this heavy business out of our minds for a little while. I am stuck here, since I am assuming that the elevators are out of commission. Do we want to go see if we can find some friends, and have a little camp-out in the spiritual room?" Then she paused. “...would you and Chester tolerate each other’s company?”
Adam listened, considering adding in that they could go to his room, but then she went on and that idea wasn’t really bad either. “I think I could find a friend. Maybe,” he said, sounded enthusiastic about it. But when she said the part about Charlie and he winced. “I don’t think he’s going to want to be around me...” he said at first then looked at her. “If you wanted me to though. I could.”
"Do I need to diffuse things?" Wren asked, pushing herself to her feet, and she bent to retrieve the candle. She left the books where they were, she'd get them tomorrow. It wasn't as if she would be reading more tonight.
“Diffuse things? Maybe. I probably can say I was just looking out for you.” He shook his head as he got up, shrugging one shoulder. “I’m not as good a person as you are. I still don’t like that he hurt your feelings.”
"'I'm sorry' goes a long way, usually." Wren added. "I appreciate you looking out for me. If I had to guess, I would imagine he would too." He was protective. Maybe a little over protective, but the core of it was wanting her to be safe. "Does it count at all that I'm okay with things?" she asked, honestly wondering.
“I know it does. I’m used to saying it. I will. And I think he did appreciate it, I just don’t know if he expected to be the person that someone would try and stop from hurting you.” Charlie hadn’t seemed like he thought he was to blame for anything. “Yes. A little. I think at the same time though...I don’t want you to get manipulated.”
"I don't want to be manipulated either." Wren told Adam honestly. "And I do hope he doesn't attempt to. But for me, until he seems to be going that route, I'm going to trust him. I..." she paused, trying to think of how to word things. "Last night we were messaging each other. Things went...well. Very poorly." she said, starting toward the door. "And he told me that if I felt the way I did, that he was going to bow out of my life, unless I specifically needed him." she said. "And...." She sighed. "It made me sick. Physically sick. To think of him just not being there, it...it was awful."
Adam opened his mouth to answer, but realized he didn’t know what to say. “I...I guess that would be a reason to have things be okay between the two of you,” he said. “I can’t...I can’t imagine anyone feeling that way about me. Or feeling that way about someone. Well...maybe.” His thoughts went to Kyle, but he firmly ignored that.
"I couldn't either, but that was how I reacted. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I've never had that happen before." she admitted, still mystified by the entire event. "I think it's just...he was my only friend. I was only imprisoned three years ago, and I'm twenty-five. And in all that time, he was the only person who ever treated me like I was a person too. He was the only person who wanted to talk to me because he wanted to talk to me, not because he needed something out of me. He just disappeared on me, and...I don't know. I suppose now that he's returned in my life, the thought of him being gone again was a little too much for me."
“That sounds more like a panic attack,” he said shaking his head. Adam reached out, catching her hand again and pulling her to look at him. “He’s not your only friend anymore Wren. I know he was, but you know you’re not dependant on him for that anymore.”
Blinking, at both the terminology he'd used and for his taking her hand, she stopped to look at him, giving him her attention. When he spoke, she found herself smiling at him, a soft expression. "I know." she told him. "I suppose it's just...it's taking me a while to fully recognize it. But I appreciate you, you know." she said, looking him directly in the eye as she said it. "More than I can express."
Adam smiled a little, but mostly because she was. “I haven’t had a lot of friends either Wren,” he said softly. “And I appreciate you too. And if you ever need me to point it out in a painfully awkward way, I will. I’m pretty great at that.”
She laughed at that, a warm sound, and she looked at him a few moments. "May I hug you?" she asked.
For a moment Adam hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
Careful of the candle, Wren wrapped her arm around Adam, and gave him a warm hug. She drew in a breath, and let it out slowly, relaxing slightly as she did so. She tilted her head against Adam's, and held him.
It took a second but then Adam hugged her back, surprised at how good it felt to be held. Like it had been when he’d hugged Kyle, but not quite the same. It was a strange, how much he might have actually just needed that.
Wren smiled, and held on, thinking this felt nice. She wasn't really used to hugs either. She wasn't very physical with people, and had been even less so when she'd been in prison. But this was very nice. She could handle it just fine.
Adam leaned his head towards hers a little, giving her a little squeeze. “You’re gonna be okay Wren.”
"You are too." Wren told him, sounding convinced of it. She squeezed him back, before stepping back with a smile. "And we'll get there together." she said firmly. "Now...let's go claim the spiritual room. Get everything cozy."
Adam nodded, not quite letting go of her hand. “I know we will. And you can ask me if you need anything at all.” He smiled a little. “I like the idea of finding somewhere cozy. Lead the way.”