Consultations
Characters: Adam and Cal Setting: Morning, the clinic
Adam had been putting off going back to the clinic but at this point it was necessary, if only to get his hand checked out again and to get his own round of testing done. The different between himself and Kyle was though, while Kyle was anxious, Adam wasn’t. So what if he was sick? It was just another thing on a list of already shitty things that had happened to him. It was almost not worth getting his hopes up that he’d be fine. He’d never really cared much before prison, why care now?
The thoughts of Kyle asking him about not believing he could be loved were swirling in his head, even if he’d gotten the message the night before, as he made his way downstairs, leaning in the doorway to see if he could see Cal before barging into the clinic. Maybe Cal would be busy and he could go back to staring at his ceiling like he had the night before. Sleep hadn’t really happened, and the shower wasn’t fending off his exhaustion. Maybe he could nap. Probably not, but it was a nice thought.
Cal looked busy enough; his desk covered in papers that made up two distinct piles of activity. He’d tossed up a few quick journals, messaged Kyle, and set to work on both Leandro’s and Kyle’s plans. Sketches for one, lists and timetables for the other. Pulling open a desk drawer, Cal pulled half a sandwich and a bottle of water from it and took a bite, spying Adam as he sat back and chewed.
He grinned around the mouthful, holding up a hand to ask for patience before chasing his food with a gulp of water. “Adam,” he greeted, “What’s the haps?”
Adam held up his hand before making his way into the clinic, headed towards Cal. “I think you said you wanted to look at my hand again?” There were other things too, his own battery of tests, but he could get to that after a moment. “You not too busy?”
“Always got time,” he answered encouragingly, taking one more bite of his sandwich before it went back. “And yeah, I did want to check up on that. No problems with it, I’m guessin’? No irritation or bleeding?” Cal asked as he hopped up, moving to wash his hands.
Adam moved back towards where he’d been tended to the first time and shrugged. “It itched a little the first day, but didn’t really bleed much.” It hadn’t been too much trouble beyond that first day despite how it looked.
Nodding at that as he toweled up and slipped on a pair of gloves, Cal headed towards the exam table in the clinic. “Just gotta check,” he assured Adam, “But this won’t take long.” Mindful of himself, Cal raised Adam’s hand up, squinting at the bare sutures he’d put in with Becka’s help. It looked like he’d taken care of it; slight lines of scab tissues showed between the taut skin, and the edges were already looking like they could start flaking to expose new skin.
“I can pull ‘em now if you make sure to take it easy on this one for a few days, cool?” he asked, “Too much force could break these back open, so no boxing or fistbumpin’ or volleyball. Doctor’s orders.” Assuming Adam wanted them pulled, Cal stepped away to grab a pair of snips and tweezers.
“No boxing, fist bumping, or volleyball. Got it. Pretty sure I wasn’t going to get into those things anyway, so it shouldn’t be too much of a stretch.” Adam watched Cal walk away, running his tongue along the inside of his lower lip as Cal walked away. “I heard you were drawing blood to get tested?”
Tearing open the packaging for a pair of tweezers, Cal glanced back at the question with an even nod. “Done a few tests for people, if they’re lookin’ to have it checked. I’d recommend it for everyone, but not havin’ a license means not havin’ as much impact with my advice. You want one?” he asked, figuring it’d be the reason for bringing the procedure up at all.
Adam shrugged again, looking at his feet. “Yeah, probably for the best. Might be able to get my A1C while I’m at it, since I haven’t had that checked in two years.” And it was a good idea to do that in addition to everything else.
“Simple enough,” Cal agreed as he moved in, pulling down a pivoting light overhead for a better look at Adam’s hand. “While I’m doin’ this, which might feel a little weird by the way, I need to ask about any possible risk factors that could contribute to this test’s results,” he warned, juggling tools before gently working the minute scissors under a suture and clipping it. “What I’m lookin’ for is the last time you had a test, and the frequency of unprotected sexual activity or intravenous drug use.” It was plainly stated, but not harsh; Cal knew Adam had a history of use, and with the flirtations with Becka? There was good reason to have a sample processed.
Adam settled in a little more, biting his lip a little as Cal looked at his hand. “Um, haven’t ever been tested? It wasn’t really much of an issue before, I was better with protection I guess beforehand.” That was probably not the best route with things. “It’s been two years since my last A1C check, like I said. Wasn’t much of an intravenous drug user,” he said making his way through the list. “Unprotected sex was...prison.” His eyes darted away flinching slightly as Cal touched his hand even if it didn’t hurt.
There was no reply for a moment, though Cal did look Adam’s way intently with that insight. He’d assumed at least one person in here would have that burden, but putting a familiar face on the likely statistic made it harder to keep objectivity. “Just gon’ be a sec,” he murmured, looking back down and gingerly slipping the thread free from Adam’s knuckle. Discarding it, Cal hesitated before lining up the next. “Did you report it?” Cal asked then, doubting it. Most male rape victims didn’t. “I’m askin’ because if you didn’t, and you’d like to talk about it...” he trailed in offer.
Adam nodded, not watching Cal work because that felt just as weird as he’d said it would and he guessed it looked worse. “There was a report, when they found me bleeding in the showers. I didn’t give them any information and after screaming when they touched me I spent a week in solitary.” Not his best moment, but at least he hadn’t been around his attackers for a few days. He’d just been left alone with his own thoughts for a while. There was a pause and then he went on. “It wasn’t the only time.”
Well this was a whole other level of trauma that Cal hadn’t anticipated in his few prior dealings with Adam, though it explained some things. The whole ‘punching the mirror’ thing mainly. “Same guy?” Cal asked plainly, wondering just what sort of trauma he might be working against. In either case it was a dehumanizing thing to endure, but if it had been one perpetrator? It was an issue of dominance and how it could warp Adam’s self-worth. Multiples? It was worse, that was a blurring over the the entire sense of identity under a layer of helplessness. Neither was a good thing to see, though Cal felt lucky to have this chance.
Adam shrugged the shoulder that wasn’t attached to his hurt hand. “Does it matter?” he asked honestly, though there was a darker tone to the question. He didn’t feel like it did. After a moment he shook his head. “No.” He’d been a target for more than one person, and moved around more than once, though they might have all been in the same group. Adam hadn’t bothered to find out. He was only vaguely sure that they were different people. “Did Kyle talk to you?” he blurted, as if part of him needed to change the subject.
“He did,” Cal answered with a slight nod, looking away from Adam long enough to start removing the other sutures. The redirect was blatantly obvious, but he could let it go for a moment. The worst thing to try with a rape survivor was pushing them too fast, it built up walls that did more harm than good. “Can’t say much more than that, of course, but Kyle’s doin’ okay. An’ I’m glad he’s got folks who’re concerned about him. That’s what community is, y’know; carin’ more ‘bout your neighbors than what’s yours.” Which it seemed was the case with Adam, though Cal would now say that Adam needed some of the same kindness.
“Did it help? Talking? For him. I tried to help. Because like you said, I am concerned. He’s my friend. He said he felt...well not better. He was pretty specific on the not better part. Just less bad I guess. Then he got some sleep which he needed. But...” Adam stopped for a moment letting his thoughts actually take a coherent trail instead of blurting out anything to not talk about the original topic. “What I’m asking is if you’re...you’re good at that? Talking people through stuff that isn’t you know, this.” He gestured to his hand, watching Cal, waiting on an answer.
Cal frowned slightly at the first question, eyes intent on Adam’s hand as he snipped another bit and eased the suture free. “I’d like to say it did, but only Kyle really could. And he said that bein’ able to come to someone in the house as a friend did, yeah,” he confirmed as he worked, setting scissors aside for fresh gauze and tape. “What we talked about is definitely givin’ him some consideration, too.”
He was deft with the little bandage, quick and practiced before Cal withdrew and gave Adam a bit of space on the exam table. “Can I ask you to keep somethin’ quiet, Adam?” he asked then, not a direct answer to Adam’s own question.
Adam felt his cheeks flush at what Cal said, at least until he realized Kyle probably meant a friend in Cal, not a friend in Adam. Why would he talk about him to Cal? As a result of his misguided mind he wanted to squirm, but also didn’t want to mess up Cal’s work, which left him fidgeting with the hem of his shirt with his free hand. “Um. Yeah. I guess so.” Adam sounded hesitant, but not because he wasn’t sure he could keep something quiet, more because he was worried he’d done something wrong. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked about Kyle.
Nodding at the agreement, uncertain as it was, Cal reached up to click off his light over the table and pushed it back into place. “I was about six months shy of my psychiatric credentials when I got busted,” he admitted, “And I haven’t brought it up to people around here because folks react differently around a shrink. I’m startin’ to see that I can try and help, but I don’t think announcing it’s the best call just yet. So to finally answer your question, yeah, I think I’m okay at it.” He grinned reassuringly then, nodding at the space around them. “Any time you want to come down and talk, anything you wanna talk about, door’s open.”
Cal wasn't kidding about being good at that sort of thing. Adam watched him for a few moments, but wound up nodding. "That's appreciated, but I was more wondering if you'd be up for talking to someone else. Since you're…well qualified." And he was worried about Wren. Adam was determined to be a good friend, but there were things he wasn't sure he was going to be much help with. Not with her escaping to the other block. "Or consider it, I guess."
“A referral, hey?” Cal asked with a warm humor, nodding in agreement. “No consideration needed, m’man. Whoever it is, have ‘em shoot me a message on the journals so I can make sure I’ve got the clinic to myself. And if you think I need to approach them? I can do that too.” He needed to, really; that was something Cal had finally realized when meeting Jun-he.
There were so many of them here now, who knew what possible risks and concerns were out there? Kyle’s bloodwork and Adam’s confession about what had happened confirmed that there were problems among the others, and it was outright remiss of Cal to just sit down here every day. “‘Course, I’d like a chance to do the same with you,” he added, “No one oughta be carryin’ what you’ve got by themselves. Not if there’s any chance of helpin’.”
Adam looked at his newly bandaged hand, not quite meeting Cal’s eyes. “You might have to talk to her. I’m...I’m a little worried about Wren. People giving their things away is a bad sign right? And her room is...bare. She seems lost. More lost than me maybe.” He shrugged his shoulders, then went back to fidgeting with his shirt. “To talk to me? It’s not...there’s nothing to talk about.” He’d told Carmel the same thing. What could he say that would make it better?
That wasn’t unexpected, earning a slight nod from Cal. He hadn’t met Wren yet, but had definitely taken note of her both in the facility and on the journals. “If that’s how you feel, I can’t make you come down,” Cal clarified, “But with convicts I worked with before, ones who’d suffered assaults like yours, talking helped sometimes. It didn’t fix anything by itself, but it did help them to recognize their own thoughts on what had happened and see how those thoughts bled into their behavior and actions. It’s a standing offer, so no worries there.”
And he hoped Adam would want to try, but if he didn’t? Cal couldn’t make him. “And yeah, people givin’ away their things can be a bad sign. Sometimes it’s a good one, but based on what you’re sayin’ this doesn’t sound to be one of them,” he agreed, “I’ll make a point of catching her as soon as I’m able, anything past that’d be a breach for me to share.”
“I just want her to be okay,” Adam said. “She’s been a good friend to me.” He tapped his feet a little, bouncing as his thoughts wound up back on himself again. “What can I say? There’s not much to say.”
“Say you’ll give it a try,” Cal recommended easily enough, “Sometime soon, after I’ve talked with Wren and things have a chance to settle down around here. Just come on down for an hour, or I’ll come up and we’ll take a walk somewhere. If there’s nothin’ to say? Well hell, you’re still one hour closer to gettin’ out of here.”
Adam opened his mouth to answer, but the comment fell short at what Cal said. “You think to get out of here I have to talk about it?” That wasn’t exactly what he had in mind.
“I think that being able to talk about the things you’ve endured and been changed by is part of rehabilitation and an ability to work in normal society, yes,” Cal clarified. “But no, I don’t think you have to. What I meant was that we’ve all got nothin’ but time in here, and if something came from talking? That’s a good use of that time, right?”
Nodding a little Adam felt his shoulders shrug again. “I guess yeah. Though it’s not exactly going to be easy,” he said. It wasn’t like talking about things was just going to make them magically better. it was actually probably going to suck a lot. He bit at his thumb on his good hand then ran it through his hair. “Hadn’t thought about...needing to be able to talk about it. Just sort of thought...I’d get over it.” Which he was realizing was probably not the case. Not if his issues with touch were any indicator.
Moving back to his desk now that Adam’s hand was tended, Cal plucked his water free for a drink, head shaking lightly at the assumption. “That’s a common line of thought, the idea that you’ll get over it, move on, go back to whatever passes for normal,” Cal told him, thinking that Carmel had been similar. She’d recognized the changes in herself, but had also accepted them without really voicing them. “But the things we don’t like to talk about... they tend to have a stigma attached, whatever they are. I think it’s important to know that you can talk about it if you want to, instead of feelin’ like you’re choking on things you can’t say.”
Adam was looking at his feet instead of Cal. He hadn’t thought about it like that, but as soon as Cal said it Adam felt like it was right. He was choking on the things he wanted to say. “So you’re saying there’s just no getting past it?”
“No, I’m sayin’ that if you want to get past it, it’s going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of courage to say things you don’t want to, and patience,” Cal warned, “With people I’ve worked with, it was a matter of being able to see how what had happened affected their behavior. When you’re willing to look inside, and more than that, to open up with someone? You start to see how behavior is influenced and how it can be controlled if you can recognize the source of that influence.”
He smiled faintly, taking another gulp from his water. “It’s a long road to try and walk, but you aren’t gonna be doin’ it alone if you decide to try. Try, and I promise you a chance for things to be different.” Granted, that chance would end up hinging on Adam’s own strength of character, but Cal felt like maybe he needed to hear that.
“I’m not always great with being touched. Autumn said she’d help, but I get twitchy, even when I don’t mean to,” Adam explained, feeling like he needed to point out that he knew it was affecting him. Biting at his thumb more, he shrugged. “I guess...I guess I could try.” Because the prospect of things being different, that was tempting. That was what he wanted even if he wasn’t usually up for saying that outloud.
It was encouraging, even if Adam was reserved in his words. “That’s all you need for a proper start,” Cal encouraged, “Opting to try and recognizing that how things are isn’t how you want them to be. Past that, I’d say that until we talk, and even after or throughout or whatever happens with you stopping in here? Rely on people like Autumn when you need to. Her, Kyle, anyone in here you count as a friend; that’s going to be your biggest strength in resolving whatever you can about what you’ve been through. You need to remember that you’re not alone in this, and that there’s people who don’t want you to be, no matter how isolated you feel.” He frowned gently, giving a little nod with the sentiment. “That isolation’s a common root of what you’re describing with your aversion to physical contact. But you can beat it, Adam.”
Isolation. It was like Cal had jumped straight to the heart of what he was feeling. While he didn’t fault her, and he was trying not to fault himself, things ending with Becka had left him feeling more than a little alone. More like a lot alone. “I hope so. Sometimes I think I do worse with being alone.” If he could beat it, that would be great. Maybe he could be more like how he wanted to be in his head.
“I’d give you two goals to work towards ‘til the next time we get together,” Cal advised, “Whether it’s tomorrow or two weeks from now? Work for somethin’ new every day. Try either meetin’ someone new or doin’ somethin’ you haven’t, go to the spots around the compound you don’t frequent usually and see who you run into. The whole idea of ‘community’ is bein’ involved with the folks you live with. Chase that.” Even if there’d been a few incidents so far, Adam seemed to have a good head on his shoulders and a sincere ability to try for change.
Adam thought about that, nodding a little. He could probably do that. He needed to do that. There were things he probably needed to find out about himself. Even if it was just what he liked. “I can try that,” he agreed finally. There was a pause before he went on, staring at his feet. “I’ll try and come back too. To talk.”
That was good to hear, though the way Adam stood as he said it? Not so much. “One more thing, then you can get clear of my constant requests,” Cal added with a chuckle, “Eyes up, man. My pops used to tell me that a man who looked at his feet too much spent his time thinkin’ about where he’d been; better to look up, think about where you’re goin’.” It’d have to start with building self-confidence, which in turn would start with deconstructing the unresolved trauma of Adam’s rape. Or, as Cal’s pop also liked to say? Sometimes you had to break something down so you could build something better in its’ place.
It took a second before Adam glanced up, looking at him. “Sorry,” he said biting at his lip. “Habit when I get anxious.” Forcing himself to keep his eyes on Cal, he waited a breath more. “Do you need anything else from me?”
“No apologies needed, man,” Cal assured him, “Just bear in mind that if I point somethin’ out, it’s because I think it can be helped. And that’s not the kind of thing folks ever gotta say sorry for. But past what we talked about? You’re good to go.” Leaning on the edge of his desk, Cal finished off his water with a sigh and a stifled burp before he chuckled Adam’s way. “Like I said, take it easy on that hand for a few days, and as soon as I get results from your bloodwork, I’ll send word. Anything comes up before then, don’t be afraid to drop a line my way.”
Adam nodded, taking a step back. “Habit. The apologizing thing. Drives Kyle nuts,” he said managing part of a smile before rubbing the back of his neck. “Thanks for this. And the talk.” Adam lingered for a moment more, then took two backwards steps before turning and leaving properly.