Just Keep Talking
Characters: Cal and Kyle Setting: medical bay, evening
Kyle looked at his watch. Eight on the dot. Taking a breath, he headed into the medical bay. “Cal? Doc?” he called, trying not to let any nervousness sound in his tone. Sure, he felt more stable now than he had that morning, but still - having a talk with the doctor remained a good idea, he thought.
Cal had prepared for this, as much as he could. He’d seen to his appointments for the day, meeting with Jun-he in the library and seeing to matters in the clinic through the day, but through it all Cal knew the clock was ticking down. Upstairs, there’d been a cookout and a memorial for Caroline, as well as what he hoped was kinship forming among the others in the wake of these new tragedies. But down here? Cal was just waiting.
He’d bagged up a pair of sandwiches, sealing them up and tucking them in a little cooler downstairs with some bottles of water before settling in to wait. Really, the clinic’s sterile conditions weren’t as welcoming as Cal would’ve liked for a therapy session, but everywhere else was public space. He would just have to make do. Which he was doing when Kyle stepped in with Cal’s name on his lips. “C’mon in,” Cal answered from his desk, slipping out of his seat and turning the chair. “How’re you feelin’?”
Kyle headed over. “Honestly? Better than I was,” he admitted. “There’s some good people here. People who talked with me and kinda grounded me a little more. I’m - somewhat ashamed of my behaviour this morning,” he admitted. “But - thank you for seeing me. I think I probably should have asked you before you brought it up.”
“It’s good to hear,” Cal said encouragingly, giving a warm grin as he grabbed his own water and tipped it Kyle’s way in an unspoken offer. “And I wanna say sorry again, I really should’ve kept that private when I sent word. But what’s important is that you’re here now, right? Not if or when you asked?” It was an early guess on his part, but between Kyle’s first visit, his journaling, and his reaction to Cal’s message? Cal was willing to bet that Kyle had some issues with self-blame.
“No, thanks,” Kyle said, with regards to the offer of water. “And don’t worry about the offer thing - a lot of the people who contacted me said I should come see you anyhow? So I think the fact that you’d put that out there actually made them feel better straight off. So, arguably, you did me a favour,” he added, ignoring the questions. Kyle was good at ignoring things he didn’t want to deal with.
That definitely wasn’t lost in the shuffle. In fact, it pinned itself neatly in Cal’s mind to the way he’d been on his first visit, when the walls came up. “Well I hope you’ll do me one in turn, then,” he said as he moved for the other chair and settled in. “Trust me with whatever this is, okay? It’s not just your tests, man,” Cal pressed with a light frown, leaning forward with a careful bit of sympathetic body language, “But whatever it is, it’ll be treated like every other doctor-patient interaction. Confidential.”
Kyle nodded, accepting that fairly easily. He knew that this guy must have been convicted of something, but to Kyle’s mind he was still a doctor, and that meant he was bound by certain rules. He trusted him not to break those. “No - it’s not just about the tests,” he confirmed. “I mean - yes, the tests, waiting for the results, the not knowing - that’s freaking me out and all. But, it’s not just that.”
The growing problem in Cal’s awareness was that it wasn’t confidential, not entirely. They were being watched, and if he wanted to keep doing this with the others? If there was a chance for any real progress or therapy with Kyle, Kasper, or any of them, it couldn’t be watched by whatever cameras there were. But in a house full of convicts, no one would want to go blind, least of all the people in charge of it. “Somethin’ with another resident, then?” he ventured evenly, “I know it’s only been a week and change, but that’s a good amount of time for interpersonal dynamics to start developin’ with all of us livin’ together.”
"Not in that way. It's not his fault," Kyle averred. "It's my fault. Wren says I shouldn't be so hard on myself but... All of this, the tests. I should have thought about it, come here myself. I didn't. I didn't even think about it. Not until it was pointed out to me. He could have been hurt. I could have made him sick."
“Now I may not know Wren, but it sounds like she’s got the right idea,” Cal corrected with a gentle humor, “There’s so much for us all to deal with in here, you know? It’s not just whatever tests the people in charge are dolin’ out.” Definitely blame and guilt at work here, self-doubt threading every ‘could’ that Kyle said.
“We’re learnin’ how to live with each other, and even if we’re not a community? It’s a trick. Jailhouse rules don’t fly here, we’re free to grab a drink, share rooms... it’ll flip you, if you let it,” he advised, “What I’m sayin’ is that the adjustment to being here makes it easier to lose sight of things, and that’s not a problem designed jus’ for you. Got my word on that one.” He grinned then, uncapping his water for a quick swallow before Cal set it aside.
Both arms folded across his knees as he got more intent on Kyle, hoping for a direct engagement instead of the redirects and dodges Kyle seemed so good at. “But you have to stop lettin’ those could’ve-been ideas twist you up, man,” Cal stressed, “Livin’ life hurting over things before they happen isn’t somethin’ anyone deserves. You gotta change the reaction, Kyle. Don’t ever just say ‘It’s my fault’; instead try to change the behavior that’s landing you in that situation. It’s not easy to do, but if you’re here, and if this Wren’s got your back too? You know you’ve got help in the attempt.”
Kyle shook his head. “No - it’s not like that. It’s - it’s really good that this time nothing happened. I’m really thankful about that. No - the problem is me. It’s that I didn’t think. And, this time, it turned out okay. Someone else pulled me up on it before anything could happen. So, no harm done. But - the issue is that I do this. I don’t think. I don’t consider the consequences of my actions and what I do and I’d known that and I’d been trying to stop doing that. Trying to change my behaviour to think more. I actually look and see how what I do will affect things, because I knew that I didn’t used to and bad things happened. And then this came up. And I realised that I can try all I want to, but it’s not going to help anything, because the problems with not seeing things is that you don’t see them, which means you can’t avoid them. And now all I can think is what the hell is wrong with me and what’s going to be the next thing that happens?” Kyle said, the dam finally bursting, releasing a torrent of words which were practically falling over one another to get out.
Cal was quiet for a long moment, just listening and watching Kyle, studying the anxiety playing across the younger man’s face. “Kyle, if that’s all you can think about, then you’re blinding yourself to the exact problem that you’re talking about,” Cal said first, “Spending every minute wondering what’s gonna go wrong, looking for a problem before it hits? That leaves you missing out on what’s happening now. And here and now, that’s a lot.”He had a faint smile then, a flicker of encouragement as Cal slipped his glasses off, idly cleaning the lenses on his shirt.
“However much or little we know about each other, I know just from what you’re sayin’ that you’ve got people watching your back here. Now, whether or not you can change your own behavior, which I think you can, for the record? If you ever fall short, you gotta recognize that there’s people here who’re ready and willing to help. Even if it’s just supporting you when things go wrong, you’ve got that,” Cal mused, “And past that, you can’t quit trying when you feel like you’ve failed at improving your behavior. Everybody fails at something, some of us keep on doing it even after we know better. For me, the motivation’s always been the idea that I can make life better for someone else even if I can’t fix my own. You got anyone in here you feel that way about? Anyone who’s worth the doubt and anxiety, just on the chance that they like life more from havin’ you in it?”
Kyle smiled sadly. “I don’t know. Maybe. Might have already screwed that up. Might just depend on the results. I - I don’t know,” Kyle admitted, looking down at his hands. “But - I don’t know, I just... I thought things were better. And this feels like this massive step back. And it’s made me question everything. But, at the same time, I feel like I’m massively overreacting. And I seem to be doing that a lot. Like things’ll be okay, and then suddenly there’ll be something and it’s like I just blow things way out of proportion and even I can see that I’m doing that but I can’t stop it. But this time, it feels like it’s more serious. What’s going on is more serious. And I don’t know whether what I’m doing is an overreaction, or just enough reaction for what’s going on.”
“I wouldn’t say it’s an overreaction,” Cal confirmed, head shaking slightly. “Results like these are a big deal, you’re not wrong on that. It’s got the potential to redefine a lot of how you live your life, whether you’re in lockup or on the outside, and that’s not something anyone should deal with without blinking. So the first thing you gotta try accepting is that this isn’t wrong of you, feelin’ this pressure. Not knowin’ what to do, feeling like you’ve got no options or that you can only pull other people down and complicate their lives? It’s a common perception, but if you keep telling yourself that you’re blowing it up then you’re doin’ two things: you’re trivializing your own feelings and undermining the ability of others to help you with it.”
Slipping his glasses back on, Cal leaned just a bit towards Kyle, trying to get him to look up from his own hands. “Things can be better here, I believe that. But we’ve gotta work at it, you know? Getting a second chance like this means facing up to a lot, from the consequences of our actions that led us here to the root behavior that motivates those decisions to the changes that happen when we’re allowed to be more than a name and number in the system,” he mused, “Right now, you’re startin’ to see that heap of challenges, and the missteps you’ve taken that stacked ‘em up. That’s some scary shit right there,” he joked softly, without any real humor, “And as much as seeing it all and realizing how much there is feels like a step back? Not dealing with it is the real one. Being here, whatever the reason or the sequence of events that got you here, is a step forward. And after this? I’m ready to try and keep you goin’ in that direction. I’m bettin’ I’m not the only one, either, but you’ve gotta want that for yourself. More than you want to believe the doubt and the fear and the idea that shutting yourself away is what’s best for everyone.”
“I want to try. I’ve been trying. To accept what I have done wrong, and the mistakes I’ve made. The choices I have made. And to face up to the consequences of those choices. What I’ve done and caused in my life. I don’t want to hide from them. That’s why it’s hard for me to realise that I might not always see my mistakes. Or I might forget, or just - I don’t know. Just not think.” Kyle took a breath and tried not to sink back into that spiral. “People keep telling me that I shouldn’t lock myself away. And, honestly? Right now I don’t feel like that’s an option anyhow? It was pretty much proved to me today that if there was even a hint that that’s what I was trying, there’s at least one person who would physically hunt me down. So - you’re telling me I should take that support? Should I be asking people to call me on shit, or...?” he asked, wondering about that.
That actually got a little chuckle from Cal, some wry amusement at the hesitation in the question. If Kyle already put so much blame on himself, having others do it too might make him flinch just at the idea, but the fact that he actually asked? That was a good sign. “I think so, yeah,” Cal answered then, “But you can’t just tell everyone to do that. You gotta start small with it initially; take one or two people whose input you trust, explain how you’re feelin’ to them, and ask them to speak up if or when it seems like you’re missing something, or if you’re steppin’ on toes. And past that, you gotta prep yourself for it, mentally prepare for hearing criticisms and mistakes from whoever you opt for, but keep yourself viewing it as things that need to be worked on or talked about, not things to blame yourself for. Remind yourself that when it happens, it happens because these people give a damn. We’re social creatures, right? Tending to each other helps us tend to ourselves.”
“I’ll try and find someone,” Kyle agreed. He wasn’t sure who though. God knew where he and Leandro were right now. Adam? Had far too many of his own issues for this kind of pressure. Becka worked here and he was slightly uncomfortable with involving her in this side of things as a result. But, he would work something out. “And - I get what you’re saying? But - if something’s my fault, I’m not going to avoid blame just because I asked to be called on it. That wouldn’t be right of me.”
“If you’re lacking for candidates, my door’s always gonna be open,” Cal offered first, “But let me ask you somethin’ here. What does blame accomplish?” He wanted to walk Kyle through the thought process instead of letting him respond reflexively when things went wrong, but clearly? The younger man was stubborn, not to mention well-practiced.
“Acceptance of guilt for something makes you stop. And it stops you doing it again. It’s also atonement - it doesn’t put things back the way they were. Nothing can do that. But it balances things out more, stops them spiralling downwards. It’s the right thing to do,” Kyle said, without pause or hesitation, his voice sure and certain.
With a slight nod at Kyle’s words, Cal almost felt bad for this. He didn’t want to break Kyle down, and that meant delicate wording against Kyle’s thoughts. “But blame and guilt are two different things, right? You don’t need to be accused to feel guilt for something, and guilt doesn’t always come to some people no matter what they’ve done,” he said first, “More importantly, by your definition then both factors would be corrective solutions to bad behavior. But... you already told me that you keep missing things, that you feel like you look right past problems. I’d say that your concern with not having a full perspective regarding your actions is pretty distinct from the idea that guilt makes you stop. And maybe it’s worth considering that you can acknowledge fault in yourself and adapt it to your perspective. It’s the right thing to do if you come out of it better in some regard, but not if all you do is twist up inside.”
“Blame and guilt aren’t all that much different. Something’s my fault: I’m to blame. I feel guilty. I am guilty. And I know it doesn’t always work like that, that some people don’t feel guilty, no matter what they’ve done. But I have no interest in being one of those people.” Suddenly, Kyle had that awareness that the person he was speaking to was a criminal. Talking to a doctor was one thing, but talking to someone whose own moral code may be off, was different. “I don’t want to go through life pulling shit and then justifying it to myself to make myself feel better. If I’ve done something, then I need to accept that and accept the consequences. That is what will make me come out of it better, at the end of the day.”
“Close,” Cal agreed, “And you’ve got some solid reasoning there. To me, the only missing bit is that you’re drawing the line at acceptance and calling it done. Accepting your role in things, and the consequences? Yeah, it’s vital. But so is evolving your self-perception in accordance with that. If you make a mistake and you take the blame and whatever else comes from it, you also need to try and make it a part of your outlook. Otherwise all you’re adding is the stigma of what went wrong, not the experience that helps you avoid repeating it. Growth and survival are both about adaptability, and it’s important to find the personal line for you where you can admit to your mistakes, but not let them stifle you.”
Kyle frowned at that, not sure how to take it. “I don’t get what you mean,” he confessed. “I don’t let my mistakes stifle me.”
“So when you opted to have the test done, you didn’t pull back from anyone? Whoever it was that made you think to come see me?” Cal asked gently. “Because what I saw on the journals was a reflexive outburst that, given what we’ve talked about, could’ve been brought up to one of the people in here who you can confide in but opted not to. And I’m glad you came down, I’m not trying to say you should’ve just gone to someone else, but it strikes me as a choking-off of outlets of support. What I mean is that when something happens, I think you feel closed-off, and I think you need to work against that feeling.” He was warm but intent with the suggestion, hoping he’d read Kyle right. It had been too long since a proper session, and Cal was starting to wonder if he wasn’t rusty, past surface observations.
Kyle winced as he was called on things. “Does it make it better that I confided in someone as well?” he asked, tentatively. “But, okay, yeah - I pulled back. I... Especially with one person. I pulled right back.”
Cal was quick with a sympathetic nod as Kyle flinched, trying for the unspoken cues that it was okay. “It’s crucial to try and keep in mind that this is pretty common in the prison system, plenty of people feel this way. And yeah, I’d say it definitely matters that you had someone you could talk with. Havin’ that outlet is going to be helpful as long as they’re being supportive. Now, admitting that? And more importantly being able to recognize that you did it, that’s good to see,” Cal encouraged, “The step beyond that is asking if it’s a penalty you give yourself whenever you’re assigning blame. When you feel like you’ve crossed a line or done some trespass, do you feel like you don’t deserve support?”
Kyle shook his head. “No - it wasn’t like that. It was more... We’d started this... thing. I mean, there was something there and then - well, this came up. He was the one who mentioned it and suddenly it was all ‘oh shit’ for me. And - I couldn’t do that. Not with not knowing what was going on. So, I called halt to everything we both knew. And then today he got his results and they were clear and he contacted me saying that he didn’t care what mine were and he’d be there anyway and - I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let him do that, because it’s not fair. And I couldn’t let me do that because... the pressure there? Well, yeah. So - one thing led to another and I just ended it entirely. Chased him off. And I hated doing it, but it felt like the right thing to do, under the circumstances. But it’s not like I feel like I don’t deserve support - I’ve been talking to other people and that’s helped and this time I feel like there are actually people there. It’s good to get out of my head, I think, sometimes.”
It was obvious who Kyle was talking about, given how few of the tests Cal had performed so far. Not that he’d call attention to the personal details on his own, but it was a curious bit of insight on Leandro too. “From where I’m sitting, Kyle? You’re gonna be okay,” Cal assured him, “With the tests tomorrow, we’ll deal with them when they come in. But you? You and your head are gonna be alright. There’s definitely reasons I’d like to keep doing this, if you were open to the idea, but overall what I’m seeing is that you made a lot of responsible choices in how you dealt with this. The fact that someone else had to bring it to your awareness needs work, sure, but from that point? What you did was exactly right if there was any concern for his safety. And I know it’s frustrating in the moment, terrifying in the scope, an’ painful in the distancing? But you’re doin’ good, man. And it sounds like right now you’re seeing the problems that need tending pretty clear.”
That felt good to Kyle. If he had just been told that he was okay and doing all the right things, he would have simply dismissed it. But to be told there were things about himself which still required work, that felt like he was being seen, being listened to, not being dismissed. He nodded a little, then paused. “I - It’s been suggested to me that maybe I have some problems with anxiety? Because of the way I react to things? Do you think that’s the case?” he asked, almost nervously.
“I’d say it’s possible,” Cal admitted without any judgement, “One in five people in the States have it in one form or another, but only ‘bout a third of them get proper diagnosis. Likelihood to develop it kinda blows up with circumstances like ours, too.” He’d probably have to come clean about his training soon if he wanted to keep at this, but for now? Kyle seemed keen on his input. “If you’re ever interested, I can write up a dietary plan and prescribe something mild. I don’t like the idea of handin’ out heavy prescriptions in here.” And it was clear that wasn’t aimed at Kyle, either; there were just too many risk factors for Cal to let anything potent out of the pharmacy.
“I don’t want drugs. Not serious ones,” Kyle said, jumping right on that one. “Dietary plan - I’ll give that a go. But, I’m vegetarian, so... It’d have to fit with that.” He would do whatever was advised, as long as it didn’t involve medication. He wanted to be better than he was, and he would take whatever help with that which was on offer.
If Cal remembered correctly, Kyle’s charges explained his immediate aversion. “No problem on both counts, the diet’s mostly a low-caffeine deal, probably some timetables for what to eat when. I’ll do a write-up for as much as I remember about the drug-free parts of a therapy plan and get it to you soon,” he offered, thinking that wouldn’t take long at all. It was basic behavioral rehab, sans prescriptions. “I’d also say that this,” Cal went on with a wave between them, “Or somethin’ like it with a friend in the facility, would be a good call for you. A regular chance to talk about what might be worryin’ you keeps it from building up.”
“If it’s okay, I’d prefer to talk to you than my friends?” Kyle suggested. “I - I’ll probably talk to them as well, but, with this - I know you’re not just gonna tell me what I want to hear.” Kyle thought back to what Brady had said that morning. Someone who wouldn’t pander. That was just what he needed. Plus, with Cal he wouldn’t be concerned about stepping on other issues. He wouldn’t feel the need to self-edit the way he did with Adam and some of the other people he knew.
Grinning earnestly at Kyle’s assessment, Cal nodded in understanding. “It’s absolutely okay,” he was quick to answer, “And I hope if you catch wind of anyone else who needs a hand, you’ll send ‘em my way if they’re willing. I miss out on a lot of the minglin’ down here, don’t always catch early signs of trouble.” He sat back at last, stretching long limbs expansively before speaking again. “When would you want to come by next? I just gotta make sure the nurses have some warning.”
Kyle gave a smaller smile in response to the grin. “There’s already a couple of people I’ve suggested might want to come down,” he confessed. “I think it’s a good idea - hope you don’t mind keeping busy,” he joked, lightly, though he was still wringing his hands a little nervously. He doubted he would be able to let that go until he got out of here. “As for meeting next? Can I leave that call until after the results have come in? I think that’s going to really affect how things need to go.”
“Of course you can,” came a quick response and an understanding nod. “And do you want to stop in for the results, or should I send word on a terminal?” The latter, Cal was sure of it. The possibility of the test already had Kyle strained thin, no way would he want to chance a positive result in front of someone else. “And you send whoever, I’m never gon’ turn someone away if I’m conscious. And if I’m not? Knock my damn door down,” he assured Kyle.
“The terminal,” Kyle confirmed, immediately, for the very reasons which Cal had suspected. It would be horrible, receiving those results alone. But it would be worse, getting them in company. At least, if it came to it, he could have his breakdown in private, and then patch himself back together before he had to face the ‘what do you want to do?’ inevitable questions. He took a breath, deciding that now was probably time to leave. Standing, he offered his hand to the other man. “Thank you - I won’t take up any more of your time,” he said, formally.
Ah, the walls were sliding back up. Even if it was slight, Cal recognized the little formal dash, pairing it with the look of thought. Gears were turning, and not good ones. Still, he shook Kyle’s hand from his chair, standing tall after to see him out. “Glad we had the chance,” Cal answered as they moved, “We’ll talk soon, Kyle. Take care, yeah?”
“You too Cal,” Kyle said, giving him a nod before he walked out, heading back to his room. He figured he would be like Adam tonight - lying awake, staring at the ceiling. It was going to be a long one.