Step One to Fixing Things
Characters: Autumn and Adam Setting: Autumn’s room, midday
Adam stayed with the sleeping Kyle, for a good little bit, just to make sure he was sleeping soundly. Deciding he was out cold enough, he left, making sure the curtains were shut against the sun, light out so Kyle could rest. He hesitated for a moment then went back writing a note out on a scrap of paper.
You will be okay. Find me if you need anything, Adam
He left it near Kyle’s bed so he’d see it when he woke up. Adam just had to hope that Kyle believed him.
After getting back to his room he showered, putting on clean clothes for the first time in what felt like a long time, then headed towards Autumn’s room, knocking on her door. He wasn’t sure what she wanted, but he figured it’d be best to make sure he went to see her, especially since she’d messaged him first. And maybe he was little worried in addition to all of that, despite her reassurances.
Autumn hopped up and opened up the door, smiling at Adam. She had one of the paper flowers Mazie had made her pinned up in her hair. "Hey, Adam." she said. "Nice to properly meet you. Want to come inside?" she asked, stepping back so he could enter. And if he didn't want to, they would head out someplace else. Where ever he was comfortable.
He’d spent too much time with depressed people. That much was official the moment he saw her and her sort of overall positive demeanor and smile. “Um. Sure yeah. Nice to meet you too.” He moved into the room, in the space she gave him, looking at the flower in her hair. “That from Mazie?”
Beaming at him brightly, she nodded. "It is!" she said. "She gave me a bunch of them. Aren't they nice?" she asked, pointing to where she had them displayed on her desk. "It was so sweet. I just love them." she said, unabashedly gushing for a moment about it all.
Really happy. That was new and jarring after his morning with a sleepy and down on himself Kyle. “They are,” he agreed, moving to look at the flowers. “I know she wanted to do something. She was worried they wouldn’t give her real flowers if she asked for them for you.” He smirked a little at the way that she talked about Mazie, liking that. “Looks like this was better anyway.”
"These won't ever wilt." Autumn said. "Plus, it's just sweet to think that she'd put the effort in for me. There's a lot to be said for the simple things in life. Sometimes they mean so much more than anything extravagant. And as someone who knows extravagant, I'm an authority on the subject." she said, with a wink.
Adam perched against the edge of the desk, watching Autumn. “She likes you a lot. That much she’s been clear about to me.” He smirked a little at the wink. “I saw your post, the two truths thing. Good that you like Mazie despite that.”
"I like Mazie because of who she is." Autumn said. "Not despite anything. That girl is amazing." she told him, a gentle, minor correction that didn't really seem like one with it's wording. "And I'm still not saying what my lie was!" she added, laughing.
“She’s pretty great. A good friend.” Adam always felt like Mazie had his back which was probably more than he could ask for in most situations. “No? And here I thought I’d get the answer. I was even considering telling you which of mine was a lie.”
Autumn laughed. "See, now you're cheating. Because I want to know everyone's answers! I'm hoping people do spill. It'd be great to know what's what, even with people who put silly things down." she said. She smiled at Adam, letting her gaze linger there.
Adam met her gaze, crossing his arms over his chest. “Are you accusing me of putting down something silly?”
"Absolutely not!" Autumn said, mock-offended. "I am positive that your extensive training with dragonslaying is quite the tale to tell, and I for one feel much safer in this place knowing you're here with us." she told him, almost keeping a straight face, but not quite managing.
She was infectious, and Adam had a hard time not smiling at her. “I should ask for a sword...” he suggested, holding his straight face a little better than she had. “I probably wasn’t quite as creative as I could have been.”
"Hey, you got a smile out of me. I dare say I wasn't the only one." she told him. "I think it was creative and fun, and lighthearted, and honestly? This place needs a lot more of that than it's getting these days." Autumn believed every word, that much was clear.
Adam nodded along, feeling like he agreed too. Things were heavy, with himself, with others. “I’m not sure I’m always the guy up for the job, but I can try.”
"That's all that counts." Autumn told him. "So...I asked you to come meet me, because Mazie's worried. And, after what she's said, I am too. Now, I didn't get the details--she never even said the word in question, but she mentioned that you had a rough time on the inside. And that it's left it's mark on you." she told him, voice light, gentle. "How much do you know about what I used to do?"
Adam’s smile fade almost instantly and he swallowed hard. Of course it was that. It wasn’t something normal. He’d almost wished she was mad at him for something. Looking down at the ground instead of Autumn he shrugged, rubbing his face. “Everyone’s got marks from things.” He frowned a little, not sure what to do beyond shake his head. “Not much.”
"They do." Autumn agreed. "But you don't have to live with them affecting your life like I believe this is yours. Also, most of the time, people need help to get past things. And that's what I'm offering you." she told him. "What I used to do, beyond the obvious, is I often chose clients with...for lack of a better term, special needs. Not everyone, of course, but many. People have issues. Sometimes they need a helping hand to get through those issues, and sometimes it needs to be someone that's there for that reason. Family and friends always want to help, of course. But sometimes? It's just something that takes someone you trust that's just there for that purpose. Someone who knows what they're doing, someone who understands, and is there, just for you. No social demands whatsoever."
“Autumn I don’t...” Adam started, but didn’t know where to take it. He’d just said something similar to Kyle hadn’t he? Being worried that he had issues being touched and he might freak out on Becka. “Autumn...I don’t think I’m following.”
"Bad things happened. You even admitted everyone's got marks. I'd like to help you with yours." Autumn told him. "Maybe help you get through it, make some of those issues less prominent, or give you a way to get past them. If you let me, and if you can learn to trust me, I can do my level best to get you back to where you want to be. Think of it as...therapy. Just...kind of really specialized therapy. And I won't ask you about your mother, or slap you with prescriptions just to dull the ache."
Adam made a face, looking as if he was concentrate hard on that and struggling with his own demons at the same time. “Therapy?” he ventured, sure that he wasn’t following this properly. Because it wasn’t lining up with what he knew about what she’d done before. “You don’t...you don’t have to do this.” He wasn’t even sure what it was, but he was starting to get anxious, twitchier, running his hand over his hair a couple of times.
"No, I don't." Autumn agreed. "I want to." she told him. "Look, here's how it is. My profession? I did that because it's what I wanted to do with my life. Maybe it's silly, but I have a philosophy about it all. I view myself a lot more like a Companion, in Firefly, than I do some 'whore'. Not everything I did with my clients had anything to do with sex, and some of them had some pretty major issues to get over. And I knew that going in--I screened my clients very carefully. People had to apply to get a slice of my time." she told him. "I'm offering this, because I think I can help, and anyone important to Mazie is important to me. And even taking Mazie's concern out of the equation...I truly believe no one in the world should have to deal with issues concerning intimacy. Intimacy is important. It's a whole part of the human experience in and of itself, and it's one of the only ones that should cause nothing but a deep seeded joy and satisfaction. Not having access to that, or not being able to get there? That, to me, is unacceptable."
And there was the conversation all but taking off without him. Adam pushed away from the desk, anxiousness turning into pacing, slightly. “Autumn...I can’t. You’re...” She was way more than he was sure he was ready for. She was with Mazie. Even she was keeping it away from sex she was still talking about intimacy and Adam was surely aware of the fact that he was still Adam, which didn’t bode well for himself. He was pretty sure he needed to sit down, dropping onto her couch a little harder than normal.
Watching Adam pace, she didn't try to stop him, having known this would be difficult for him at best in the first place. When he dropped back down to sitting, she gave him a moment. "I'm...?" she prompted.
Adam looked at her, face pained. “You’re...you?” That didn’t sound right, or brilliant in anyway, which probably explained at least half of his issues. “Mazie...”
"Mazie told me about all of this because she knows what I did out there." Autumn told him. "Besides, it isn't like I'm saying, 'Hey, Adam, drop your pants, show me heaven'." she told him. "I'm just talking about knowing a hell of a lot about intimacy in general, and knowing people even better, along with the issues that come with both."
For a moment Adam forgot how to breathe, staring at her and flushing hot pink. After swallowing twice he wound up just covering his face. “Sorry. I just don’t know what you’d even be able to do or where things would start.”
"Honey," Autumn started. "That's why you've got issues, and I'm the one who's telling you I'm the expert here. Just because you don't know, doesn't mean I don't. You're too focused on you in this. Which, I completely understand, what with the subject matter. But take a second, and think about me. Think about what I've said, what I've told you about myself, and just...give it a second." she requested.
Adam closed his eyes, trying to do as she asked before he nodded. She was right, she was the one with experience here, and he was the mess who tended to freak out for what felt like no good reason. Running his hands over his face a few times, he took two more heavy breaths before peeking at her. “You really think it’ll help? That there’s an answer? I’m not saying you don’t know, like you said, I just...I worry I can’t be helped.”
"Yes." Autumn said with an easy confidence. She said it while making eye contact, and there was absolutely no hint that she was anything but one hundred percent in her belief. "The only way you won't be able to be helped is if you don't try, or you for some reason want to keep your issues. But if you don't, and you want to give this a shot, then I can help you. I can't promise that it'll be like nothing ever happened? But I'll be able to get you to a place where you can start feeling good again in those regards."
As hard as it was to believe her, Adam wanted to believe her. Badly. He wanted to be fixed no matter how resigned he was to the fact that he couldn’t be. “I don’t want to be like this,” he said first, making that clear. “And it’s not all bad. Yesterday, Mazie caught me in a bad day after some really crazy shit and I was worse about things.”
"Everyone has bad days." Autumn told him, giving him a small smile. "I'm just glad I know now there's something to do here." she added. "What issues come to mind for you?" she asked. "Tell me about what happens with you, you can be as detailed or vague as you want, for starters. I just want to know generally where I'm starting from." She watched his eyes. “And I need you to be as point blank honest as possible. And just a little reminder, I was in fact a call girl, so there’s absolutely nothing you can say that’s going to shock me.”
“I dunno, there’s some terrible shit out there,” Adam said without thinking, before pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. He really wasn’t sure he could explain things while looking at her. “I...I get jumpy. Sometimes, I’m fine with touch, hugs and things, but I guess..it depends on the day. Yesterday I had a bad day and then what happened in prison came up and I was thinking about the...” He faltered on the word, looking up at her so she’d know what he meant before looking down at the floor again. “And the last person I was...with. She’s dead.” And he’d gone to jail for it. “It was better today. Maybe cause I was doing the touching or I could see it coming or something.” He paused for a moment then looked at Autumn. “Am I even answering the question right?”
Listening patiently, Autumn kept her eyes on him, letting him stumble through things. The hesitation and skip over the word 'rape' was pretty normal, but she definitely noted it. When he asked the question, she nodded. "You're doing just fine." she told him. "So, with touching, you're okay with things when you're the one to initiate?" she asked. "Are there times when you are not?"
“For the most part. If I’m not okay with it, I don’t initiate it. I know when to keep my distance. There’s times when I’m not okay with it and others initiate it. Yesterday I was yanking away from Mazie and I know she wouldn’t hurt me.” Adam still didn’t feel like he was answering the right questions, but he tried, mostly because Autumn said he was doing an okay job.
Nodding, Autumn accepted that. "So, sometimes it's prominent, and definitely comes out with others." she said, figuring he would correct her if it wasn't the case. "What if, say, I tried to give you a hug?" she asked, though she made no move to do so. It was a question, not an action.
Adam nodded as well, feeling like she had it right. “Depends. I guess if I knew it was coming I’d be better, if I knew the reason. There’s still a good chance I’d flinch pretty bad.” He let out a little sigh and looked at his hands. “I was fine making out with Becka not too long ago, but, not sure I’d be as okay doing that now. Definitely not yesterday.”
"What about simpler touches?" Autumn asked. "Walking close to people, hand holding, if you weren't ready for it, if I reached out to pick some lint off of your shirt, would your automatic reaction be to flinch?" she asked.
“At least half the time?” Adam guessed. “Depends. Kyle and I are okay with it, but I guess I initiate and he follows up. So it’s not the same. Sometimes I just freeze.” Talking about it made him feel ashamed, looking away from her.
"Understood." she said. "What are your personal relationships like?" she asked. "And I realize you have a limited sample here, what with only being here a week. But do your best." she encouraged, even if he wasn't looking at her. She knew that was normal too.
“Mazie. I’m usually fine around her, except the other day. I guess we’re really comfortable with each other but she’s like...like a sister I never had.” A really pretty sister with a hot girlfriend, but they were friendly, pretty strictly that. “I’m sure my freak out was terrifying for her since I’m usually better around her. Wren...Wren I scared when she hugged me yesterday and I flinched pretty bad. She doesn’t touch me anymore. But she held my hand last night.” He ran his fingers over his hair, foot tapping with his nerves. “And Becka. And I think she worries I’m not...not physical enough. Or affectionate. That was the word she used.”
Autumn noted it all, even if she hadn't met Wren yet. But she kept it in mind, either way. She noted that everyone he mentioned was female. "What did she say exactly?" she asked, figuring if someone said something, that was probably an issue area.
Biting his lip, Adam took a moment to remember. “She was upset because I didn’t hold her hand for long when we were out in the courtyard, with the stocks. Because...I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what it meant or if I was really... up for that.” He shook his head after another breath. “Not because of the touch thing, just the fact that everyone was there. I wasn’t really up for broadcasting things. And she brought it up and said she was really affectionate and wanted that and I said if we were alone then yeah, but... I always know that lurking behind all of it is all this.” He waved his hand like that explained things.
"Before anything else happened, were you someone who was into public displays of affection?" Autumn asked first, because that was a valid question. Some people were not. She had some clients who when they were in public kept at least a foot away from her at all times. Others couldn't stop touching her anytime she was in reach. Everyone had different preferences on that front, and she wanted to know where his were. That issue may have little to do with his others, really.
“No. I mean...There’s never been anyone,” Adam explained. “There wasn’t anyone to really be public with. Maybe some heavy flirting at a party that led to being taking back to a room, but I was drunk. I’ve not...been in a relationship.”
Nodding, Autumn took that in. "Not everyone in the world has a predisposition towards public displays of affection. If you are not, then that's fine. But you need to be up front about that with someone who may be expecting it. What was it you were nervous about? The touching? Was it feeling odd for you? You said you didn't know what it meant--what were you waffling over? You said you weren't up for broadcasting things as well. Can you get into that a little more?"
“I don’t want to tell her no to things. It’ll upset her.” Adam hated that he’d already made Becka cry and after their last talk he was pretty sure he wasn’t doing much better with things. “I’ve only ever been a one night stand. So I wasn’t really sure what...hand holding meant. Maybe I’m just a private person. I’m not the type to brag about what I have and haven’t done. So maybe it was less the touching, and more the message. I don’t know.”
And there was a giant red flag. Autumn moved to sit down on her computer chair, moving it closer to the couch but still distant enough that she wasn't crowding him even a little. "Adam," she started gently. "Relationships are give and take. They don't work if you tiptoe around. They don't work if you're afraid to be honest. They don't work if you're just trying not to upset someone." she told him. "It means you're not being honest with her or yourself. You are a person of your own, and editing yourself and your needs not only does you a disservice...it does her too. She needs to know if you have needs, or issues, or both, just like she's got needs and desires. Everyone's got these things. And if you neuter it all, if you just live your life in fear of upsetting someone else--that isn't a real relationship. It means she has no idea who you really are, and that isn't fair to her or you."
She sat back a little, drawing in a breath and letting it out slowly. "Let me tell you a story. It's about my parents." she said. "My parents have a very good marriage. They're happy. They're still in love, they hold hands on walks, go on dates, and laugh and smile a lot with each other." she told him. "It's almost sickeningly sweet, honestly." she added with a little half smile. "My mother is a call girl. She always was. I got into the business through her. And at no point was my father unaware of her profession." she told him. "They had full disclosure, and an arrangement--my mom's job was her job, her marriage was her marriage. They didn't talk about it much, but that didn't mean it was an issue hanging in the air. They didn't talk about it because that part of her life wasn't who she was with her family."
She smiled at him. "Being honest with another person, letting them truly know you, is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone. It's also one of the greatest gifts you can receive. It takes trust. Trust that the person is still going to be there, despite the issues, and trusting that they're still going to like you, even after they see all those darker, dirtier parts of yourself."
Adam listened to her, he did, taking it in but he was still left shaking his head at all of it. “I can’t. She won’t,” he started then let out a breath. “She won’t look at me the same. She will only be thinking about fixing me.” Because Adam was pretty sure Becka wouldn’t give up on him, finding out about what was wrong with him, she hadn’t yet with everything she did know, but he was sure she’d turn into the nurse, poking, asking questions and wanting to get to answers.
“I’ll be a project, or a pity case or that’s all we’ll talk about. I don’t want that. I don’t want her to think she has to fix me because that’s not fair. I’m not even sure I can be fixed and she’ll ask about it, wanting to know everything and then I’d really let her down because I don’t think I could see things the same way after that.”
"How do you know?" Autumn asked. "It's not fair to answer for her, either." she told him. "We're back to the trust aspect of things. And if you aren't ready, if you aren't willing to be honest with people, then you aren't ready to be in a relationship with them. I know it's hard. I know it's scary, and makes you feel vulnerable, and I'm sure the first instinct you've got is to run in the other direction and hide. That's...pretty normal, honestly." she told him. "And if it's too soon for you to attempt a relationship, then it is. But you still need to be honest with her about that, too."
“Because she has before,” Adam said softly. “There’s holes in my memories, about what happened, when I got arrested. Big gaps. And when I told her she just launched into nurse-like questions, like I hadn’t been asked them before. Like she would figure something else I hadn’t struggled to figure out for the past year and a half.” The words are tumbling out of Adam and as soon as they were there he felt bad about it. It wasn’t fair to Becka when she was trying to help, but he hated that feeling, being put on the spot. “I told her that too, that it’s been a week and she was upset, like that wasn’t a good answer. I feel like I’m missing something and starting to really blame myself. I’m not doing the right thing or being what she wants and she won’t tell me so that I don’t just do it to do it and yet I try being honest and it’s wrong.” Adam took a deep breath, trying to slow his mind.
The reaction he was talking about Becka having was normal too. So she could understand what had happened there. When you cared about someone, sometimes those sorts of reactions were hard to curb. But the rest of it was what she was focusing on. "You told her what that upset her?" she asked, feeling like she needed a little more context on that. "As for not being what she wants--Adam, your job is to be you. Her job is to be her. If you mesh well together? Great. That's a beautiful thing. If you do not, then you don't, and you both need to find people who are going to mesh well. You deserve someone who you don't have to alter yourself for. She deserves someone who she won't have to alter herself for. You both deserve people who will be able to fulfill your needs. If that isn't each other, it's unfortunate, but as you've said, it's only been a week, so I'm sure the heartbreak won't be too traumatic. There doesn’t even have to be blame or someone at ‘fault’. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, and it’s no one’s fault." She paused. "What's upsetting her the most?"
Adam looked pained again, taking another deep breath. “That I didn’t know what I wanted from her, from us. That I was still getting my head around her liking me. It was the truth, but it didn’t seem the like right answer. And it might have been the situation, it was a shitty morning but she hasn’t really reached out to me since, which is fine. I messaged her about my bad day, so she’d know I wasn’t avoiding her.” He looked at the floor, frowning more. “I’m not much of anyone Autumn. It’s hard being me when I don’t know who me is.” He was starting to wonder if Autumn was realizing that she’d bitten off more than she could chew taking him in like this. “I think she’d still be upset if it doesn’t work out. She said...she said she’s never felt like she feels about me about anyone else.” And as much as he was confused about things, Adam hated the prospect of taking that away from her.
"Well, there is no 'right' answer, hon. Your answer is your answer. If she didn't like your answer, that's fine, but that doesn't mean it was 'wrong'." Autumn told him. "You are going to need to come to terms with the fact that things aren't your fault, and you don't have to scramble to please someone else. Especially if it means you heavily editing what you say or do, just to avoid upsetting someone or to be what they want you to be." she said. "Keeping the communication open about having a bad day and such is good. It's never fun to be in the dark, especially about something like relationship stuff, so keeping that going is very important. People will do amazingly harsh things to themselves with too much time on their hands and silence on the other end."
"If you don't know who you are, then that'll need to be worked on. How can someone else be with you and love you for who you are if you don't know? You might need to take a big time out and just have you-time. Time to work on you, work out who you are, who you want to be." she told him. "And I'm sure she would be. Maybe if she does honestly feel that way about you, if you're honest with her about your issues, she'll be able to understand. And if she does, maybe she'll be patient, too. I know you said you don't want her going in to nurse mode, but that's probably natural for her. But it also doesn't mean you can't be honest and tell her that you don't want that. How has she dealt with the knowledge that you've been assaulted?"
“It felt wrong,” Adam pointed out, shoulders sinking until his elbows were on his knees. And he was better at being what everyone else wanted him to be, bending his ways to be the version of himself they wanted. “I am working on it. I’m only just...just figuring out that I didn’t really know who I am. I didn’t need to in prison and before that I just did what my friends did, liked what they liked.” He looked at his hands, not sure he could look at Autumn. “I have told her that, that I don’t want her to be the nurse, there’s other people for that, but I don’t know if she can be anything other.” His eyes ticked up to Autumn’s at the last question, confusion creasing his features. “She doesn’t know. I haven’t told her...I don’t think I could.”
"Kind of a rough realization." Autumn said, with a light tone. There were days where she glanced at herself in the mirror and wondered much the same thing. Not to the degree that he was clearly experiencing, but occasionally...she played parts. It was what she did. So sometimes, where those parts ended and where Autumn began were fuzzy to suss out.
She might even have said something on the subject, but Adam's last statement was one that needed immediate addressing. "Adam, I'm sure it's difficult for you, but if you plan on anything even passing as a casual relationship with her, she needs to know." she told him, and while her voice was gentle, it was also firm. No room for argument.
She held his gaze, and continued. "You've got issues. Major ones. And that's okay. It's understandable, and normal. And she needs to know. If she doesn't, then she doesn't know why you react how you do, and if she doesn't have that information, then she's flying blind, and it's incredibly unfair to her to force her to wander through a minefield, blindfolded." Her tone was absolutely not accusational. Because she understood why he didn’t say anything. But it was also very clear. His reasons didn’t change the result.
“Yeah sort of jarring,” Adam agreed with a nod, but when she went on to talk about telling Becka he shook his head. “Autumn I can’t. I can’t. She won’t....she’ll see something else. She’ll see a victim. She won’t...won’t want to be around me.” He looked at his hands, pain creasing his features. “She’s not been with anyone. I can’t tell her that. I can’t tell anyone. I don’t think anyone would want to be with me.”
"You don't know that." Autumn told him. "And Adam, you were a victim. That's something you're going to need to take ownership of. I'm very sorry about it, but it's something you need to come to terms with. Then you can stop being one. But sitting there, suffering in silence, not telling anyone and hiding it all, that just means you're still being a victim. Only you're doing it to yourself." she said, voice very gentle.
"As for the notion that no one would want to be with you, that's ridiculous." she added. "Honey, you're adorable. You're sweet, you're funny, Mazie likes you--and her approval is gigantic, by the way--I've known you for like, fifteen minutes and want to snuggle you to death. At no point are you going to wind up desolate and alone unless that's where you put yourself." She was quiet for a moment, giving him a second. "What happened to you happened. But it isn't who you are, and unless you don't think there's any merit to you, how could you think no one would want you just because of something bad that happened to you?" she asked. "People are assaulted all the time. Do you know the numbers? They're awful. But people move on. They learn how to live with it, and people love them for who they are." She gave him a light smile. "Warts and all, as they say."
“I would look at me differently,” Adam protested. “I do look at me differently.” And sometimes he couldn’t even bear to see himself. He should have fought back, even if he was smaller. Was was the worse that could have happened? They killed him? He swallowed hard, barely looking at her. “I’m broken Autumn. No one wants that.” He wished he could go back, maybe he would have noticed sooner, done something else. “I have so little left, that’s one of the only things and it’s awful.”
"Adam, you look at you in the worst light. That's abundantly clear." Autumn told him. "Other people are never going to see you exactly the same way you do. It would be impossible. No one lives in your head but you. So if you think people are going to look at you the way you do, you need to keep in mind that you aren't the center of the universe, and everyone else has their own input, opinions, thoughts, feelings, histories and reactions." she said. "If you would look at a victim and feel repulsed, or loathing, then that's you. But it isn't going to be everyone else. As for being broken, a lot of people are broken. And right here, right now, you're taking a step to make yourself better again. That's a start. You won't be better tomorrow or anything, but you'll get there. If you want it. But if you just make everyone's decisions for them and take the worst light on everything for you and everyone else, it's going to be an even harder road to walk." she told him.
He bit his lip, hard to keep tears from surfacing. He’d cried once and he didn’t need to again. “How am I supposed to see things differently? I want to Autumn. I want to, I just don’t know where to start. And I’m scared others will see it.” Adam paused for a moment. “I want to get better.”
"We'll get there." Autumn said. "It's not going to be overnight. You could get people you trust on board. You can talk to them, I can talk to people, set up as much of a productive environment for you as possible." She reached a hand out towards him, an offer if he wanted to take it. "Don't worry about the how so much. There isn't a single, right answer. It's going to be a lot of different things, all together, okay? And remember--you don't need to have the answers anyways. That's what getting help is about." Autumn smiled at him. "I don't see awful things when I look at you. I see a sweet, sensitive guy who's going through a rough time."
Adam watched her hand for a moment, then reached out, fingers grazing against hers. “Yeah the how feels a little scary,” he admitted softly. “Because I have no idea what you could even do.” Letting out a sigh he nodded. “Kyle...Wren. Mazie. Those are the closest friends.”
"Kyle, Wren and Mazie. Got it." Autumn said, noting the names down in her head. She was wondering if he was saving the maybe girlfriend for later, when he felt more stable. She could see how it might work, though she still thought Becka should know what was going on in general. "And you don't mind if I talk to them?" she asked, just to clear things with him.
He looked up at her. “You were going to talk to Mazie anyway right?” he ventured. “And no. That’s fine. You can talk to any of them. Just...I don’t think Wren knows. I haven’t told her. But she might have guessed.”
"I was going to tell her I'd talked to you, but wasn't going to get into anything without your approval. Just like she never got specific with me, she just gave me enough clues to draw my own conclusion." Autumn told him. "She'll want to know if you're okay or not, how you're doing." she added. "But don't assume that just because you share something with me it will automatically be passed on to Mazie." She nodded at his last bit. "Alright. I'll talk to her and keep that in mind too." she promised.
"Okay, I have a question." she said. "How would you see me if you knew I'd been assaulted?"
Adam nodded, taking that in. It was good to know he supposed, though he had sort of guessed that at least some of it was going to come back to Mazie. At her question his face changed, confused for a moment. “I don’t know. I mean...I’d be worried. Feel bad, hate that it happened. I’d look closer.”
"But you wouldn't want to not talk to me anymore, not be around or touch me in case it was catching, or feel disgusted, or anything of the kind?" she posed.
“What? No,” Adam said instantly, shaking his head until it clicked and he looked bashful. “It’s different Autumn.”
"Why?" she asked. "And you do need an answer, 'just because' doesn't count." she added.
For a moment Adam closed his eyes, biting his lip. “I should have fought back. I just...I was too scared. Too sure they’d maim me.” He looked at his hands again, fists clenching and unclenching. “It feels different.”
"It isn't. And it doesn't matter if you didn't fight back. A lot of people don't. Especially your circumstances, which were much different. It doesn't make it any different, it doesn't make you any worse than anyone else, and it doesn't change a thing. People always think they're going to react the 'right' way in circumstances. But look at any footage of a crisis and you will see people doing a hell of a lot they never thought they would do. No one knows til they're there, til they're happening. Honestly, I imagine it was a survival trait kicking in for you. There's nothing wrong with that at all." Autumn assured him.
Without thinking about it, Adam’s hand went to his face, where he’d been cut during one of the assaults. The scar wasn’t there, too well taken care of. “Survival?”
"Well, of course." Autumn told him, ducking her head to catch his eye. "You were in prison, yes?" she asked. "In that circumstance? I absolutely think it was survival." she said, tone firm again. "If it happened at all it meant people could get to you, and somewhere you weren't protected. So...in that case you do what you have to do, and if that means you shut your eyes and wait for it to be over, you stay breathing longer. Survival."
He just barely looked at her, listening then nodding. “Yeah that was most of it.” And it had been awful.
"You know, if you did what you had to to survive, and you walked away, that means you've got strength in there." she told him, tone light. "Just got to find it to get yourself back to where you want to be." she added. "And no one would look at you like you were awful or anything else because of it, either."
The laugh he gave was more a response than something he thought out, a humorless noise. “I almost never think of myself as strong.” Adam ran his fingers over his hair again, something to do with his hands. “Why do I feel like they will?”
"You're projecting." Autumn told him, not having to ponder over that one. "You see your not fighting back like it makes you...deplorable, or weak, other things that are full of bad. You just have to keep in mind that you wouldn't see someone else in the same circumstances the same way you see you."
Adam frowned. “Is there way to stop doing that?” Because that might be easier, if he stopped worrying about what everyone else would see. He wasn’t sure he believed it, but it would be easier if he stopped thinking that everyone was going to see him as this pathetic mess.
"Whenever it comes up in your mind, just turn it around. Make it specific. Ask yourself 'would I see this person like that?'. Chances are the answer is always going to be 'no'. So, when you get to that conclusion, just tack on the end of it 'They will not see me like that either'." Autumn suggested. "Kind of seems silly, but if you need to pound something into your own head, that's a good way to do it. Repetition, for starters, but also just making it a part of your day to day life." She paused, then went to her desk, and she dug through, grabbing a small sheet of paper. In pen, she wrote down something, then handed it over.
I think Adam is awesome! - Autumn
"Dig it out when you're feeling like people might be viewing you poorly, and just turning things around doesn't work."
He tried to think about how that would work, putting himself through a mental scenario and had the feeling it wasn’t going to be easy. “It’s going to take some serious getting used to doing that,” he said softly before taking the piece of paper which brought out a little more of a smirk. “Awesome?”
"Yeah, but you gotta do what you gotta do." Autumn told him with a smile. When he smirked at her, she winked. "That's what it says." she told him, tone lightly teasing.
“I suppose I do.” He looked down at the paper again. “Awesome. I would have started with something smaller. Maybe...pleasant.” He was teasing as well, even if he was secretly flabbergasted by it. Awesome. It seemed like a lot to live up to and he wasn’t sure he was up for the task. Which was probably why she’d given it to him in the first place.
"What, like super duper cute?" Autumn told him with a smile. "Cuz I could add that, if you want." she told him. She kept things light, liked the more rapid back and forth. Plus, he was looking less miserable, so that was good too.
He held it out to her. “You can draw a picture of a bunny to go with ‘super duper cute’, “ he deadpanned. Since bunnies were cute. And apparently Adams.
Autumn laughed and grabbed the paper, quickly scribbling a little bunny. She wasn't a fabulous artist, it looked more like a bunny Peep than anything else, but she also put 'Adam's also super duper cute! Like this bunny! (no really, it's a bunny)' on it too. Then she handed it back.
He’d been half joking but then he was giving the paper back with the bunny, which did look better than any bunny he’d draw, and he had to laugh. “This might be so ridiculous it works.”
"I think that's a good way to look at it." Autumn told him. "I think it's a place to start, and hey. You can always whip it out as a conversation starter. 'Look at this lame bunny!'" she told him, setting her pen down. She smiled at him, liking the laugh. It was good to hear.
“The only person who would think it was a lame bunny is Kyle, and I’d probably tell him I drew it so he wouldn’t be snobby,” Adam said, looking at the page again before folding it in half and then a quarter neatly. That done he tucked it into his pocket as she’d instructed and looked at her again. “So what else?”
"What, and take credit for my talent?" Autumn teased playfully. "I scoff at this. Scoff!" she said, smiling. Then she let it fade, but it didn't depart from her eyes, even as she spoke. "What else, is do you have questions." she said. "We've got a good start going here, I think. A good foundation. I figure we'll meet up every few days, every day if you need me in the meantime, and this is where I tell you my door's always open, and you can call on me any time you need it."
“It’s not taking credit. It’s...shielding you from criticism. Though it is a ton better than anything I could have done, so maybe it’s taking some credit.” Adam smiled at her teasing, her scoffing at least until she went on. “I’m not sure I’d ask the right questions. I guess beyond, what I asked, what else I need to do.” Because he still wasn’t completely sure just what he’d signed on for. “I guess I could say mine too, but that seems pointless. But that’s good to know I guess.”
"Oh, I can take criticism with the best of them." Autumn assured him. "There are no 'right' questions, hon. If you want to know something, ask, if nothing comes to mind, it's fine. If something occurs later, ask then. As for what else you need to do, right now, just talk to people. I said you've got a lot of people to go having a chat with, and you should try to do that. Go at your own pace, you don't have to do everything all in one day or anything, of course, but still."
Adam nodded, taking the assurance to heart. “The people I need to tell about what happened?” he asked, not able to look at her just yet, but wanting to clarify. It might be easier if he didn’t have to talk to anyone about that, but he guessed that he wasn’t getting off the hook on that one.
"Right. Kind of get them on the right page with you, let them know what happened, and that you're trying to deal with some issues productively, might need their help a bit." Autumn told him.
Instantly his thoughts jumped to Becka. He was going to have to tell her wasn’t he? That wasn’t going to go over well. “I’ll try. If they ask...what kind of help?”
"Being patient. Realizing you have a few issues with touching, and that it isn't them. Later on, there might be more, but that's later. Right now, I just want you to work on opening up lines of communication with people." Autumn said.
Adam let out a breath and nodded. “I can try. I think some of them know. The others I can clarify with.” His eyes glanced up at Autumn, not sure what to make of her, but feeling grateful that she was even willing to try. It said an awful lot about her in Adam’s eyes. “Thank you. For wanting to help.” Even if it didn’t work, at least someone wanted to.
"Thanks for being open to it." Autumn told him, genuinely. "A lot of people aren't. But it's good that you're not running. I think this'll work out well, Adam." she said, confidence in her tone.
He shrugged one shoulder. “I’m sort of out of options otherwise aren’t I?” he asked, looking up at her. Maybe he wasn’t, but that was where he felt. Full of issues he didn’t even know how to start to tackle on his own.
"Well, technically you could ignore everything and go about things like you have been, but I don't think that's a good option. Or you could have kicked me in the shin and told me it was none of my damn business." Autumn said. "So, hooray for this option winning. Which will be hard sometimes, but better in the long run." she promised.
“Well I wouldn't have kicked you. More...yelled at you.” It wasn’t nice to hit girls. Of course he was in here for just that so what did he know? “It’s hard already. Not this, but everything else, I don’t think I get to complain that you’re helping me is that awful.”
Autumn smiled at him. "Well, either way, Adam, I'm happy you showed up to talk to me." she told him, nodding to firm up that impression for him.
Adam wanted to point out that she’d asked, which was usually all it took for him, but he nodded anyway. “Yeah me too.” He thought. He had a feeling he might take that back, but so far it hadn’t been bad. She said it would get harder, which left him slightly anxious, but he’d meant what he said. He was under the impression he was completely out of options.
"This'll be good." she promised, giving a firm nod. "Promise."