The Optimism Torch
Characters: Becka and Violet Setting: Becka's room, afternoon
Violet considered, and stopped at the activity room before she went to Becka's room. She found some construction paper, folding it into a card shape. She quickly drew a flower on the front of it, and wrote on the inside: I'd bring a real flower but don't know where to get one. Sorry my drawing skills aren't great. But still! Hope you're doing better soon! - Violet
With that done, she headed to the girl in question's room, knocking on it then stepping back slightly so she wasn't crowding the door.
Becka was not feeling well at all, no matter what she’d said in her private messages. She was pretty sure she was still drunk, or maybe a weird combination of drunk and hungover? Whatever it was, she just really wasn’t feeling her best. And so she had the lights out except what shone from her computer, and she was curled up on the couch having herself a little TV marathon. It was relaxing, a way to just lose herself a bit in shows and get out of her head for a little while. She just curled up with her quilt and tried to pretend that everything was all right.
It was even working for a little bit, but the knock to her door pulled her out of it, and she nearly groaned at the thought of having to get up. It was probably Violet, though, and she did really want to meet the other girl, she just wished the circumstances were better. Uncurling herself from the couch, Becka stood up and went to the door, pulling it open with as friendly a smile she could manage in that moment. "Hi," she greeted the girl on the other side. "I'm going to guess you're Violet?" she said, standing off to the side a bit, a silent invitation for Violet to come in if she wanted.
"Hello." Violet said with a smile. She was immediately trying to assess the other girl, see if she thought she was unwell. She held out the card she'd made for her as she stepped inside, seeing that Becka had been watching some things. "I'm sorry if I'm interrupting you. I can certainly come back another time if you'd prefer." she told her immediately.
The card was completely unexpected, and as Becka took it, her smile softened, the tension in her loosening a bit. It was such a sweet gesture, something she might have done on the outside, even, and it told her so much more than any of her other short communications with Violet had so far. "Oh, no, I'm just watching reruns of stuff I've already seen. Nothing crazy. Lights are out because my head's pounding even with the aspirin I took, but I can turn them on if you prefer?" she offered as she closed the door. If need be, she could always turn on the bathroom light and leave the door cracked.
"It's fine, really." Violet said, smiling. "How are you feeling? Do you need anything?" she asked, perfectly happy to run errands if it was required of her. She wanted to be on good terms with her co-workers. She always thought it was a much better work environment when people were genuinely getting along. Beyond being co-workers, she was living in the facility with her as well, so all the more reason to be friendly.
Becka nodded and moved toward the computer screen, holding the makeshift card up in the light coming off the monitor so she could see the flower and read what was written inside. "Awww, this is really sweet, thank you!" she said, genuinely pleased. She propped the card up on the desk before addressing the questions Violet had asked. "Oh, I'm... I'm all right. It shook me up way more than it should have, seeing her fall, and I'm not really sure why it did. But, I'm just really so grateful that there was someone else here who could help Cal out with her. I just... couldn't even think about it at the time, you know?" She would have done what needed done if Cal hadn't sent her away, but that really wasn't the point, and she wasn't about to admit to drinking or confide in her about Adam just because she really didn't know Violet yet.
Violet looked concerned, watching Becka as she spoke. "...has someone tried to make you feel as if you're overreacting?" she asked gently. "Because...you witnessed a traumatic event that ended in the death of a human being. That should shake you up. You shouldn't be unsure why it did, you saw someone die. That's reason enough." she said, ignoring the part about helping Cal. She was much more concerned with what Becka was saying about the actual events.
Becka closed her eyes, turning her head away at the question and following statements. Only closing her eyes had the images of Caroline's death playing behind her lids, and she snapped them open again, praying that the images would go away with it. "Thanks," she began softly. "I know. I know it's reason enough. It just makes me feel like... We're nurses, you know? We should be able to handle it, I guess. But that? It was completely different. I need to stop beating myself up about it. It's not like I freaked out or anything." At least not directly about that. She sighed, blowing out a breath. No, it wasn't her reaction to Caroline's death that she was beating herself up over.
Shaking her head, Violet sat on the arm of the sofa. "We're nurses, and yes, we see people dead, dying, we're around when it happens, just after, the long haul before...but what you saw is different. You saw the event itself, and that's not the same thing." she told the blonde. "You've got nothing to be apologetic about, or claiming blame for."
Nodding, Becka dropped into the computer chair, pulling one knee up to hug against her chest. "I know, and I'm not really... It's not about that, not really. I just went a bit stupid on someone because of it, and I really wish I could just go back and undo it. Which is a pointless mindset, because you can't go back, you can only go forward." She shook her head, rolling her eyes a bit at herself.
"...if you'd like to talk about it, I can listen." Violet offered, clasping her hand against her knee. "And if you want to tell me it's none of my business, then that's fine too. But I'm a very good listener." She gave Becka a light, encouraging smile.
Hadn't she just thought that she didn't want to confide in Violet about this because she didn't know her? And yet, Becka still found herself wanting to do just that, to just get it out. She look speculatively at Violet for a moment. "It is none of your business," she said lightly, grinning a little. "But God, yeah, I kind of want to talk about it. So maybe? But only if you promise not to tell me I'm being completely stupid about all of it, cause I already know that I am."
"I never tell anyone they're being stupid, when things like this are happening." Violet said genuinely. There were far more diplomatic as well as constructive ways to tell a person they needed to look at something differently, after all. And in this particular case, she didn't even know if Becka was wrong about anything at all. So, she could quite easily offer that.
That answer seemed genuine enough, but Becka fell silent for a few moments, trying to figure out just how to explain what had happened without launching into a long, detailed story of everything that had happened in the last week. "Okay, well basically I have a... thing going with one of the guys here, and after I got Cal, he told me to go get him, so I did. Only when I got there, I woke him up, which wasn't good but I hadn't been thinking, and there was another girl in his room. I don't really think anything happened, but... Once the shock started to wear off, it just struck me, especially since he wouldn't say why she was there." She paused, reaching out for the little cup of water she'd been sipping on since she'd woke up.
"What was his explanation?" Violet asked, frowning a little as she listened. "Did he offer anything? And waking someone up when you've just witnessed a death really shouldn't be something all that terrible. If you're with someone, they're part of your support system. You should be able to rely on them."
Becka wanted to laugh and cry all at once at Violet's words, appreciating them more than she could say. If only she'd been able to express that to Adam yesterday, maybe things would have gone much differently. "He just said that she needed someone, and that they were up late." She hated the way she cringed just a little bit at that. "Which... I like her, or well, I liked her well enough in the one conversation I've actually had with her, and if she's going through something, it's good that someone's there for her, but it was kind of a shock to see her there when I was just expecting him. And God, I kind of hate this, but I was jealous of the way he was with her," she admitted, groaning softly and scrubbing her hands over her face as if trying to get the nasty feelings off.
This was why Violet had done a lot of study in the area of psychology. It helped. Kind of when you least expected it. "That means he did tell you." Violet told her gently. "If you think it isn't a good enough explanation, that's one thing, but it is an explanation in itself." she said, just so Becka would know there was a difference. She could very well understand why she wouldn't think it was a good enough explanation--but it wasn't an utter lack of one, which was what Becka had first implied. "How was he with her?"
It really shouldn't have annoyed her for Violet to point that out to her, but Becka was already feeling like crap as it was, and she'd told her she didn't want to be told she was being stupid about things, so there was no stopping it. Rather than commenting on it, though, because she just couldn't bring herself to be snippy, she focused on the question asked. "He was like really worried about her, I could tell. And like, he touched her really easily. It's just little things, that on their own really don't bother me at all, but... Even after she left? He was so distant with me, like I was an intruder or an inconvenience. I'd just seen someone fall to their death, and I was in shock, and I wanted him to be there for me like that. God, that sounds so selfish." She shook her head quickly, hating the way she was sounding right now.
"It doesn't sound selfish at all." Violet told Becka gently. "It sounds like you needed him to be there, and he wasn't, or wasn't in the way you wanted. Everyone has expectations of how things should be in a relationship. Granted they don't always match up. But you expected him to be there and support you, and you...I'm reaching here, so correct me if I'm wrong, but you feel like he was giving support to someone else and you don't appreciate the differences you could see?"
"Yeah, something like that," Becka confirmed. "It didn't even really bother me that he was giving her comfort, it was how he was with me after she left. And then I opened my stupid mouth and jumped all over him about what he wanted from me or out of the thing or whatever like an idiot. Looking back? I probably sounded like a crazy person, cause we've only known each other a week, but I've never done this before, not like this. I've had guys that were just friends, and I've had guys that I've gone on dates with, but this casual, just go with it thing we have going right now? I have no clue how to navigate it at all, and I feel like I'm just messing up every time I turn around." She was rambling a little now, but it just couldn't be helped.
Violet let her ramble. Becka was clearly upset and had a lot going on, so she was free to go on as long as she wanted, as far as Violet was concerned. "Have you two defined things as 'casual'?" she asked.
Becka let out a short, humorless laugh at that, shaking her head. "No, we haven't defined anything at all. We made out once, kissed a few other times, and I've told him I want to be with him. God, I don't even think he's actually said he wants to be with me? I don't know, that's kind of a guy thing, right? Like, show rather than tell? But I want him to say it or something. I don't want to wonder. And it's not like I want some big declaration or anything like that, but just a 'hey, yeah, I'm into you and want to see where this goes' wouldn't hurt. And why I couldn't just tell him that, I don't know." She sighed, pressing her fingertips against her temples. "Very early in the morning when I've woken him up on very little sleep and am in shock myself really wasn't the best time to bring any of that up, anyway," she said, her tone showing a bit of her guilt at that.
"I don't think that it's a 'guy' thing." Violet said first. "And I think if you're asking him what he wants, and it's been a short time, then you are not suited to a causal relationship, or one that's ill defined." she added. "Which is fine. I actually think most people in the world aren't. It's why people still get married, get committed to each other. And yes, you probably could have picked a better time, but that's life. Stuff happens, things explode at the least convenient times." She gave a little smile.
Becka still kind of thought it was a bit of a guy thing, but she wasn't going to argue it. She just wasn't the argumentative type. "I'm not," she confirmed. "And I never really thought I was, but I've also never really tried before. And he's never had a real relationship either, as far as I know. Just hook ups, which is definitely not the kind of person I am. So I don't know. If we're not suited, then we're not, but I'd like us to actually give it a shot before just writing it off, you know?"
Nodding, Violet gave a smile. "This is probably something you already know, but I'll say it anyways. You need to tell him all that. That's all. Then you'll know if he's even interested in giving things a try. Just...do it with less explosions, and when you aren't already dealing with a really awful trauma of your own, because...I'm just very sorry that you had to witness that at all."
Huffing a soft laugh, Becka nodded. "Yeah, I know. And I left it in his hands, that if he wanted to hang out and talk or whatever, he knew where to find me. And he messaged me to say probably tomorrow, so hopefully we'll both be in a better frame of mind to talk about things." She started picking at her nails even though they were clean from having washed up in Adam's room that morning. "I... I wish I hadn't, but at the same time? I'm glad that someone did. She... The way she was falling, it didn't look intentional, and that helps a little bit, that I'm not wondering if what happened yesterday pushed her to jump." She wondered if that made her a little twisted, but she felt like she had to take what little comfort she could out of it.
"So you don't suspect outright suicide." Violet said, nodding. She personally wasn't sure if that meant she felt better about things or not. But she kept it to herself. Becka seemed fragile, so she wasn't going to be sharing opinions on things that might disturb her. "Good to know." She smiled again. "Feel any better?" she asked.
Nothing made it okay that Caroline was dead, it didn’t really make it easier to deal with, but Becka felt like it would have been worse if it had been outright suicide. “I don’t, no. I think she was trying to escape and fell somehow.” It wasn’t pleasant to think about either way, and Becka really didn’t think things were so awful here that trying to escape after just a week made any real kind of sense, but she knew that she couldn’t even begin to try to understand Caroline’s actions. “Not really,” she answered honestly with a tight smile. “But I appreciate you trying. I just need to get out of my head for a little while, refocus and all. And tomorrow will be a new day.” Some of her natural optimism, her brightness that had dimmed in the past few days came through on that last bit.
"It's never good to be too far in your own head. I know, I do the same thing sometimes. It never works out well for me." Violet shared. "I'm sorry you don't feel any better. I hope that tomorrow you will." she added. "Do you need anything? Want me to run and get you some food? Anything?"
“Exactly, and I have been too far in my own head way too much the past few days,” Becka agreed, clearly annoyed with herself for this. “I’m sure that tomorrow will be better,” she said confidently. Today was just kind of a wash, and she had every intention of just vegging out, watching reruns on the computer and getting it all out of her system so that she could try to be more herself again tomorrow. She was so tired of feeling so completely off. “Oh, no, thank you though. But how are you handling things? You’ve been here about a day, right? Kind of a crazy situation to just be thrown into.” Her tone was soft and genuine, her concern for Violet able to come out now that she’d got past her own issues for a little bit.
"Well, you don't have to feel alone anymore, I'm around whenever you need to talk." Violet said with a smile. "As for myself, it's definitely been crazy. I've been dealing alright, though, I suppose. Rolling with the punches, so to speak."
Becka smiled at that. “Well, thank you. I really do appreciate that. And I swear, I’m not always like this.” She wrinkled her nose. “Rolling with the punches is good. Hopefully things won’t be quite as crazy as they have been, but that’s starting to feel a little too optimistic even for me,” she admitted, sighing softly.
Violet smiled. "Well, I'll keep hold of the optimism torch! I'm optimistic myself. Never saw the use of looking on the down side. Better to look at the bright side, and find the way things can get better than dwell on the darkness, right?" she said. "So, maybe I can help you keep the optimism up as well."
Becka found her smile feeling even lighter and more natural at Violet’s words, and she couldn’t help thinking that she was going to be really good to have around. “That’s definitely right,” she agreed. “And I’d welcome the help! Never really thought I would need it, but I suppose it happens, right?” Even Adam had said that no one expected her to keep it together all the time, or something to that effect. “Do you need to get back to Cal?” she asked after a few moments. She wasn’t sure what they still had to do, and she would hate to leave Cal shorthanded even if she did want to talk with and get to know Violet better.
"Everyone in the world needs help sometimes." Violet said with conviction. "So, absolutely no problems with me being around to help bear the load. And no, Cal and I took care of everything we were able to, so you just rest and watch tv, and have a good rest of the day, okay? Everything has been taken care of."
It surprised Becka a bit how this short conversation had somehow released some of that tension that had continued to linger in her, how she felt just a little more her normal self even with the pounding headache and lingering drunkenness. “Oh, that’s good. That’s really good. I’m hoping they’ll take care of her properly.” She wanted to ask Violet about herself, but she wasn’t sure whether or not she was planning to stay with the way she’d said that.
"I'm hoping so as well." Violet said with a sigh. "If not, then I'm not looking forward to attempting to work out how to deal with things tomorrow. But, I suppose we'll just have to wait and see what happens." she said. Then she sat up straighter. "But, you were relaxing! I should get back down there, see if there's anything else Cal needs. But if you need anything at all, just let me know, okay?"
Becka understood the sentiment, and she nodded a bit. “We’ll see,” she agreed. She smiled softly when Violet said she was going to go, a little disappointed, but not upset. She would get back to her zoning out on old shows, recharge, and get ready for whatever tomorrow might bring. “I will, definitely. Thanks again, Violet, really. And maybe tomorrow we’ll hang out and talk about something other than silly relationship drama?” she suggested with a little smile.
"I'd like that." Violet said with a bright smile. "Have a good rest, Becka. Things'll look brighter tomorrow!" she promised, even if she had no way of knowing that. She liked to trust in tomorrow being a better day.
“Yes, they will,” Becka found herself agreeing, and she almost did believe it now. And as she saw Violet out, she thought that she might not lose sight of that optimism quite as easily as she’d seemed to in the past few days with Violet around.