Matthew Jacobs (matt_jacobs) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-11-02 19:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | day seven, edan, edan and matt, matt |
Finding Calm In The Storm
Characters: Matt and Edan
Setting: Room 11 when the storm broke
Edan left Wu and Carmel taking two steps towards the cafeteria then an awfully loud clap of thunder hit and she was backtracking, headed right for her room. She hadn’t even gotten dressed yet, still in the oversized pajama pants and tank top, cold in the cool air, but none of that mattered. Not with the sky looking the way it did and thunder rolling again.
Then the rain started.
She just missed getting caught in it, but it went from a gray sky to buckets falling, pouring like she’d never really experienced. It was interesting for a moment, but then the thunder and lightning clapped again and she was ducking into her room, door closed against the storm. This was a stupid fear, a childish one, but at the same time, she couldn’t stop her heart from pounding.
Matt was still watching from his vantage point on the balcony so he saw the way she bolted for her room at the roll of thunder and resolved to go and see her straight away even if he had yet to relax from his run-in with Brady. Letting himself back into his room, he quickly gathered his camera, a couple of the books he'd borrowed from the library and his second hoodie before turning and, making sure his room was locked behind him, made his way downstairs. It only took him a couple of minutes in all but in that time the grass of the courtyard was already turning sodden under the deluge of rain, washing away the evidence of Caroline's fatal fall.
Arriving at Edan's door, he waited for a break between the rolls of thunder before knocking. "Edan?" he said, voice far louder than usual so he'd be heard over the rain. "It's M...Matt."
Edan had only made it to her bed, pulling her knees up to her chest, head covered with her hands. Was this place even safe in a storm? Would it get worse? When he knocked she heard it, but it took a really long breath before she could bring herself to get up and let him inside. She was shaking still, trying to figure out where to be, what to do and cringing as the thunder rolled again.
With the balcony above him providing shelter from the rain, Matt wasn't going to rush Edan by knocking again, figuring the last thing she needed was him adding to the noise echoing off the courtyard walls. That said, it didn't make him any less concerned the longer it took her to open the door and, tentatively resting his hand against the wood, took another step towards it.
She waved at him once the door was open, still not dressed, strap from her tank top falling off one shoulder. "Hi," she tried, her voice sounding shakier than his did when he stuttered. One arm was across her stomach, half protecting herself, half just trying to hold on while the thunder rolled outside.
"Hey," he replied, unable to stop his frown from deepening at seeing the state she was in. Hurriedly shutting the door behind him before another clap of thunder hit, he placed down his small load and flicked on the light. "I th...thought I should come down, w...wanted to come down." He wanted to ask how she was but it seemed almost pointless given that he could tell just by looking that the answer was going to be 'not okay'. Unsure of what else to say though in that moment, he wound up doing just that, hands twisting in his sleeves as he pushed his hood back. "How are you faring?"
She knew why he was there, though hearing that he wanted to be there helped distract her, even if for just an instant. What she wanted to do was get into his arms, have him hold her, but odds are they’d both be a mess in that situation. “I don’t know,” she said moving away from him so she didn’t scare him, curling up on her bed again, back against the wall, knees tucked up to her chest.
After tugging the curtain closed, hoping he wasn’t taking liberties in doing so, Matt followed behind her, albeit keeping some distance between them. “That’s okay you know,” he told her, tugging over the coffee table where he’d put his things and perching on the edge of it. “It’s been a strange kind of morning even w...without the storm.”
Edan drug her fingers through her hair, most of it had fallen out of the loose ponytail, falling in messy waves around her face. “I haven’t even gotten dressed yet.” The thunder rumbled again, louder than before and she cringed with it. It was awful, being afraid of something so stupid. It was a sound, nothing more.
Matt had of course noticed her relative state of undress, granted in his usual detached way for the most part, but he simply shrugged as she mentioned it, unbothered by it and seeing no reason why she should be. “That’s okay too,” he said gently. “Though as you mentioned it, I thought you might...” He twisted around slightly and untangled the sweatshirt caught around his books and camera, the navy one Edan had expressed an appreciation for, before holding it out to her.
She wasn’t entirely bothered by it, maybe kind of embarrassed because she didn’t have a bra on, but that was it. The offer of the hoodie though, that had her looking up more, reaching for it. It helped her missed the next two rolls of thunder, smiling a little bit as she pulled it closer, pressing her nose into it for a moment before she worked her arms into it. It smelled like him, like soap and paper, something relaxing despite her frayed nerves.
She may have missed the thunder but he was very aware of it, making sure to pay attention so he could gauge her reaction to it, so he couldn’t help relaxing a little himself at see her positive reaction to the hoodie, glad it was able to distract her if just for a little while.
It was too big for her, but Edan had it on anyway, hood sitting on her so she almost looked like him. “Why were you coming down here? Did you need something?” She’d forgotten why he was here, sure he’d said something, but she wasn’t sure.
Thrown a little by her confusion, Matt shook his head. “I s...saw the storm coming in and remembered what you said,” he said, suddenly feeling self-conscious, worried at how his explanation might sound. “I thought you c...c...could benefit from a distraction and some company.” He indicated to the other things he’d brought with him.
She rubbed her face a little with the sleeves of his sweatshirt then looked at him, nodding. “You didn’t have to do that. But thanks.” Dropping her knees a little so that she could see him better she leaned forward, closer to him to see what he brought. “What’s all this?”
Confusion only deepening at why she thought he’d feel obligated to be there, he managed to shoot her an awkward little half smile. “M,,,maybe not but I wanted to,” he told her sincerely. As she turned her attention to what he’d brought, so did he, aware of the decreased space between them and for the moment deeming it to be acceptable. “It isn’t much I’m afraid, just my camera and a couple of books but I know the computers have things available to watch or I can go to the library for you. N...not that you couldn’t go for yourself but I thought you might not want to go out.”
She watched him for a moment, liking the way he explained things. He was right. She didn’t want to go out. Not with the weather like it was, that wasn’t going to make anything more acceptable. “What’s the camera for?” The rest made sense, but that didn’t. “I’m glad you’re here,” she added.
At her question, Matt picked it up and gently turned it over in his hands a couple of times; despite only owning it a couple of days he was already acutely familiar with every inch of the camera, how it’s weight shifted in his hands when he moved it and the little idiosyncrasies that it had developed. It had become almost an extension of himself so when he placed it into Edan’s hands, it was a almost as significant as when she had first touched him. “I thought I could show you how to use it,” he explained, an uncertain expression on his face as he spoke, unsure of how she would react to the offer.
Edan took it, trying to hold it the way she’d seen him holding it, lifting it up a little to study it. “I thought you were going to say you wanted to take my picture.” She peeked at him over the top of the camera, wanting to see his reaction.
It was a blessing that she was holding the camera because he would surely have dropped it in surprise at her statement, a blush rising to his cheeks that was quickly becoming a regular feature when he spent time with her. “I...I....I,” he said, fumbling desperately for words that all seemed to have upped and left his brain. Of course he wanted to take her picture, he found her compelling in a way he had no-one else before, but he was unused to doing so in such a close setting, normally if the subject of his photo was a person he kept as much space between them as possible. “Do y...you want me to?”
The thunder rolled again which left her shaking a little, but Edan let herself focus on Matt’s blush instead, letting that distract her. Holding the camera up she tried for a smile, though it was a little weaker than she would have liked. “I think I should be asking you that, if you wanted to.”
Just as she was focusing on him to distract from her fear, he zeroed in on the shakiness of her smile, letting his concern for her push back the uncertainty threatening to engulf him. “I w...would could consider myself v...very lucky to get to photograph you Edan,” he said slowly, choosing each word carefully so he didn’t trip over them. “But right n....now, my concern is with what you want.”
She had an answer, something teasing in her mind, about how he really didn’t have to ask, that he’d already taken the one photo of her, but he added that last part and she forgot it. She shifted closer to him, but not too close, smiling a little more, something soft and for him. “What I want?”
With the distance between them closing, Matt felt an all too familiar panic start to rise in his chest but he forced himself to stay still, wanting her to keep smiling at him like that and certain she’d stop if he pulled away from her. “Yes,” he replied, offering a small smile of his own. “Providing that I can.”
“You can do plenty,” Edan said. “You proved that.” Holding the camera out to him she nodded. “Yes. I want to see what you see.” And she was sure that Matt would be better at showing her with the camera than anything else.
“What I see?” he replied, taking back the camera. “I see what everyone else does.”
Edan’s look shifted, something doubting him just slightly. “I don’t think so. You’re the one taking photos. I don’t think you see the same thing as others.” She paused for a moment, looking at her hands instead of him. “I’m curious how you see me.”
Matt shrugged, eyes focused on his camera. “It’s not w...what I see that’s different to other people, more how I look at it I suppose,” he explained, blush darkening slightly as an acute self-consciousness spread through him. “A detail that catches my attention might be totally uninteresting to someone else or they might not even notice it all.” It was one of the things that had fascinated him when he started looking at the photography of other people, how the same subject could look so different through someone else’s lens. He couldn’t help but look back at Edan however when she mentioned herself. “Is how I see you so different to everyone else?” he asked, his eyebrows coming together a little in confusion.
Pushing the hood back on her borrowed sweatshirt, Edan nodded. “You just said it, details are different, or you notice them. I’m...curious what you see when you see me.” Her cheeks pinked a little, more at what had already happened between them than anything else. “No one else is here right now Matt. Only you. I think that explains that you see me at least a little differently.”
Intellectually, Matt knew he didn’t have to answer her question, at least not honestly, but he didn’t want to lie to Edan and even though her question had him feeling like he’d been put under a spotlight, he found that he wanted to answer her as much as he was able to at least. That didn’t mean however that he wasn’t nervous about offending her and he stood up so he could move around as he spoke, eyes back down on his camera which he held onto like a talisman as he spoke. “I see cracks,” he said quietly. “Like fissures in ice where it’s been broken then refrozen, something thats impossibly strong and at the same time still delicate. I see something beneath the surface but not what it is and I want to know.” He paused and took a shaking breath. “I see scars and pride and hurt and the way you carry it all with you and wonder what you were like before, if you would have spoken to me in your old life and I’m glad I don’t have to know the answer to that question.”
She didn’t like him moving away but once he started speaking she was caught up in that instead. As he said that, she was blushing, feeling like cracks were something bad, no matter how strong and delicate she seemed. When he was done she was looking at her hands, the scars across one, not sure what to say. “I was happier. But I would have talked to you. I talked to everyone.” She’d been popular, pretty, and well-liked. She would have spoken to him, but part of her wondered if she would have really noticed him.
His lips twisted into a self-deprecating smile at that and shook his head. “With everyone to talk to, you wouldn’t have needed to talk to me,” he said wistfully. “And with all those people around you, I doubt I would have had the courage to talk to you.” And like her, he doubted that she would have even noticed him.
“Matt, don’t do that. Don’t make this about that,” Edan said, getting up even if the thunder made her shake again. “I would have missed out if that was the case.” She wanted to wrap her arms around him. “And it doesn’t matter. I’m not her anymore. And we’re here.”
He looked up at her then. “I’m not trying to,” he said. “I was saying how grateful I am that I know you now and the woman you are at this point in your life.” His smile warmed a little then. “Even if it is here in this place.” His conversation with Brady had left him feeling less than charitable to their overseers but regardless of any issues he may have been having, he couldn’t fault that the circumstances had allowed him to meet Edan.
She was closer to him, hands between them, wanting to touch him. “I am too. Grateful. Lucky.” He gave her a reason to let someone else into her life, someone she wanted to be close to, even if he couldn’t stand it. “It’s the top of the list of good things about this place.” A list that was getting shorter. There was a lot of alarming things that were starting to come to the surface.
Matt’s smile grew then; as much as he found it difficult to come to terms with, the fact that Edan shared his feelings was amazing to him. The smile stayed, albeit taking on a crooked edge as he unwittingly echoed her thoughts aloud. “A short list it has to be s...said,” he replied.
She nodded sagely, agreeing. “Too short. Though I find myself adding more than one thing about you just to make it longer.” Like how kissing him had gotten added to above the list of things, but talking to him stayed there as well. “Did you see what happened this morning?”
“You do?” he asked, expression turning bashful as he rubbed the back of his neck. The feeling was quickly dampened however by her question and for the second time that day, he was forced to shake his head. “Caroline was already on the ground by the time I made it out of my room,” he said. “Though I’m pretty convinced that she fell rather than it being something...deliberate on her part.”
She wanted to kiss him again, just for that face. Moving the tiniest of steps closer she nodded. “I do.” Wrapping her arms around herself at the change in topic she nodded, feeling safer in his hoodie. “Same with me. It made me sick. It’s a good thing I hadn’t eaten or I would have been sick.”
Matt noted the move closer but with her hands wrapped around herself, he wasn’t too concerned by it in that moment. “How are you feeling now?” he asked. “I mean, did you want me to go and get some food if you’re hungry, I know you try to eat the same time everyday.”
Edan thought for a moment, surprised that he’d noticed that about her. How had he done that. “Um. I don’t...I haven’t eaten today.” There’d been too much going on, too much that was too distracting. “I don’t want you to leave though.”
Really there was no great mystery to how he had figured it out, on their first meeting she’d talked about finding a routine and the rest was being observant on his part, granted he took being observant to a higher level than most people. “I haven’t either, can’t say I’ve had much of an ap.p.p.ppetite today,” he said. “And I won’t leave if you don’t want me to. If we get hungry, we could try heading to the kitchen or if you didn’t want to do that, perhaps we could message someone over the journals? See if they’d be willing to drop something by.”
Edan nodded, taking a few steps back to sit back on the bed. “Maybe we can try. Maybe the weather will get better. I haven’t been hungry either. It’s just...terrible.” She tucked her feet under herself, looking up at him instead. “Thank you.”
Waiting until she was seated on the bed with her legs up, Matt followed her and reclaimed his perch on the coffee table. “No need to thank me Edan, I’m h...happy to be able to help,” he told her warmly and if that meant sitting out the storm with her then that’s what he’d do.
“I’m still getting used to that part, because I think you really do mean it. That that you want to.” She’d had people around, but after her brother had died, some many of them seemed to be in the tone of being there because they were supposed to be, not because they wanted to be.
“Is it really so hard to believe that I’d want to spend time with you?” he asked, setting down his camera and resting his hands on his knees. “Because if it is, I w....worry about the kind of people you’re used to having around you.”
Edan let out a sigh, then shook her head. “I’ve been around good people, I just haven’t been close to them. People were around because they felt like they needed to be, because they knew that I need sympathy, but I didn’t need to be close to that many people because I had my brother. Then he was gone.” She paused for a moment then moved on with her explanation. “Then there was prison and no one wanted to be around anyone else. I forgot what it felt like.”
Matt frowned a little, unsure of what exactly Edan was saying. The part about prison was easy enough to understand given it was an experience they had in common but the rest? Not so much. “So because you kept people at a distance, you don’t expect them to want to be around you?” he said, confusion clear in his voice.
She thought about how he worded it then nodded a little. “I guess yes. That’s bad I suppose.”
“I’m h...hardly in a position to judge you for not having had people close to you,” he said gently. “You at least had friends.”
“I thought you said you had a friend, a best friend,” Edan said, relieved he didn’t judge her for not getting close to people. She liked people, loved talking to them, or she had then, but she’d always felt closest to her brother. He knew her secrets.
Matt nodded, an abortive little gesture that looked as uncomfortable as it felt, before his gaze fell on his hands. “I did yes,” he said, voice quiet as thoughts of Rachel rushed to fill his mind. “But the time we had together....it wasn’t long enough and she...” He stopped then, words caught around the lump that had formed in his throat.
Edan’s eyes shifted, attention on Matt instead of her own insecurities. Shifting closer she watched him, trying to duck her head to catch his eyes. “She what?”
He took a breath that shook far more than he would have liked and ran trembling fingers back through his hair, trying to compose himself a little. “She n...never saw me they way I did her,” he finally said.
“Ohh,” Edan said nodding slowly. She knew how that went. She’d heard that story before. There was an urge to touch him, holding out her hand towards him, knowing he won’t take it but wanting him to know the offer was there. “Her loss.”
Seeing the offered hand teamed with her kind words, Matt couldn't help but give her a small lopsided smile even if it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Thank you," he murmured.
The smile was a good sign, but it didn’t seem as bright as it could be. “I mean it,” Edan added, wanting to drive the point home. Wanting him to know for sure that was how she felt.
Although his shoulders stayed slumped, the hurt feelings of the past not so easy to shrug off, Edan's reassurance did strengthen his smile a little. "I know you do," he replied. "I don't know exactly what I did to deserve it but I'm grateful for it."
“There wasn’t something you had to do,” Edan said. “Just being you was enough.” It was an honest admission on her part. He’d surprised her, been someone she could find herself relaxing with, someone she looked forward to seeing again, and there hadn’t been someone like that in too long a while. She could tell he was still hurting and while she hated seeing it, part of her was aware that she couldn’t just expect it to go away. Her pain didn’t go away no matter how nice he was to her. That was how it worked. And for both of them, it might never go away, but there might be other things that push it out of the forefront. “Though you kissing me did help matters.”
"Did it now?" he said, smile softening further and, had he been more experienced on such matters, he might've raised an eyebrow. Instead he, once again, found his cheeks getting warm.
Edan nodded slowly, smiling a little more. “It did. I can’t...can’t stop thinking about it.” Which was also true. Minus the moment where Caroline’s death had overpowered her thoughts, she’d found Matt preoccupying them.
Her admission took Matt by surprise and for a moment all he could do was blink owlishly at her. True, his mind had largely been focused on her too, thoughts of Edan frequently arriving at the strangest times, leaving new and often confusing, though not unpleasant, feelings in their wake. In his case though, he was treading on unknown ground, sailing in uncharted waters, whereas Edan....Well he hadn't expected her to be so affected by what had passed between them. "Really?" he asked, sounding as pleased as he did surprised.
“Mmhmm,” Edan agreed wordlessly, nodding slightly. There’d been boyfriends, though no one who really took over her life or anything that lasted more than a few months. There was experience, but it had been a while and maybe part of her was latching on to something that made her happy, made her feel less alone. No matter the origin though, the result was Matt and how she felt about him.
In that moment Matt was startled by just how much he wanted to kiss her again, to have her lips against his and to keep him in her thoughts the way she was in his. It battled against his need to keep space between them, the space his brain insisted be there so he would be safe, and his heart began to pound in his chest seeming so much louder than the thunder that still rolled outside. “I've thought about it t...t...too," he told her, smile bashful yet solid despite the raging din in his chest.
Edan pulled the sleeves of his sweatshirt down over her hands, the same way he did, smirking slightly though for the moment she couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “What did you think about?” It was easier if they were talking. If she didn’t ask another question she’d be too tempted to push past the space he needed. As much as she hated it, she didn’t want to run him off as well.
"About the kiss in and of itself or the circumstances around it?" he asked, the distinction an important one as while his feelings on both were positive, his thoughts were different.
She wasn’t expecting a question back, but maybe she should have. It was Matt. “Both,” she told him finally, looking up to meet his eyes.
"Both," he echoed, unsurprised by Edan's answer. Really he had made the distinction for his own benefit so he could try and get something resembling a coherent response to either of them. "The k...kiss is simpler in it's way, I guess I'd equate to doing anything for the first time. I know I said at the time how much I liked it and how that surprised me and I keep finding myself remembering it, wanting to do it again if it will be the same or different, better even. Then of course there's a part of me that worries that it won't be, that it was a one off, like lightning caught in a bottle." He sighed and rubbed his neck. "The circumstances you already understand a little but...you have to understand, I've never felt like this. For the first time I want to touch someone, have someone touch me and that in itself is a scary thing to me. Exciting too but I wonder about what that means and how to deal with it and how it feels like I'm fighting myself when I'm around you..." He looked down at his hands and realised they were shaking again. "It is paradoxical to me and that in itself would be amazing but then to have you as well with your thoughts and the things you say to me." He smiled and glanced back up at her. "I don't think I've ever been this happy about being scared before."
She let him speak, eyes wide with an eagerness to hear what he had to say, what he was thinking of. “I think it will still be good, probably better, if it happened again.” And she hoped it happened again. She wanted to show him that it could be better, even if she wasn’t sure how to do that. His shaking hands had her moving hers closer, not to touch but there as if just being in the vicinity would help calm them. “I wish I could tell you what it means, at least outside of the normal connection to others that people feel. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid though, especially if you’re happy.”
As supportive and understanding as Edan was being, it didn't stop Matt from feeling self-conscious at having said so much and though he continued to smile, instinctively he started to duck his head. "What do you think about it?" he asked, turning the attention back to her so he could try and get a hold of himself, curious as to what she would say.
Biting her lip, Edan considered the question, not sure what to say at first. “About it happening again. About more happening,” she said finally. She bit her lip again then let out a breath before saying more. “And I worry about scaring you off because I do want more. And I don’t know what you want. Or if you wanted to again.” She winced and closed her eyes trying to figure out the right words. “That’s not the right question. If you were still okay with things. With more. Or less.” She was getting everything wrong, and as a result she was sure she was saying things she shouldn’t.
She may have felt like she was saying the wrong things or using the wrong words but it made sense to Matt or at the very least, he thought he understood what she was trying to say and couldn't help but be touched by it. Reaching out, he laid his hand on the bed next to her, hoping she would feel the pressure there. "It's okay Edan," he told her, voice gentle. "I'm okay. I won't deny that I'm scared but that isn't your fault, it's my issue. You have been nothing but wonderful."
That little bit of pressure on the bed she did feel, and as simple as it was, it helped. “But you’re afraid of me. Wonderful or not.” She bit her lip again, closing her eyes for a moment. “I wish you weren’t.”
"Hey," he said, firmness lacing his tone and urging her to look at him. "You don't scare me Edan, if you did I wouldn't be here at all. Being touched scares me and it's irrational that even with the way I feel about you, the thought of having you too close brings me out in that sweat but that isn't you." He let out a shaky breath and ran the hand that wasn't next to her through his hair.
The firmness in his tone got her to look up at him, watching his eyes. “I hate that. That you’re scared of me being close.” Edan felt bad the moment she said it. “For you. Because you...feel about me.” Though what it was he was feeling she was still only half sure about.
"You hate it?" Matt said incredulously. Even if Edan had quickly added that it was for his sake, he wasn't so naive to think that was all it was. He didn't envy her position, nor could he imagine what it must be like for her but that did little to temper his own frustration. "Can you imagine how it feels when I see you, knowing how much you want me to touch you, need it even, and I am physically incapable of doing something as simple as hugging you?"
“Matt. Not like that,” Edan said, meeting his eyes. “I can’t. But I know how it feels to want to touch you and terrified of you hating it, hating me. And it shouldn’t be able me needing it or wanting it. It should be you wanting to. If you don’t want to we don’t have to.”
"But I do want to!" he said, voice climbing in volume as frustration flooded into it. "I don't know what it's going to feel like or what’s going to happen between and I still want to and I can't!"
That worried her and Edan untangled herself from the knot she’d twisted herself into, trying to inch closer, hands going towards him but she managed to check them before touching. “Matt stop. It’s fine. You’ll get there. I know you will. You did already. I can wait.”
Matt's hands were both clutching at his hair now causing it to defy gravity even more than usual. "And if I don't want to wait or you get tired of it? What if I can't get over it?" He let out a noise and pushed himself up to his feet, starting to pace back and forth. "I just don't know what to do." And that in and of itself was almost as terrifying as the prospect of being touched was.
She wanted so badly to pull his hands from his hair, smooth it down and hold him until he calmed down, but that wouldn’t calm him down. “Matt, we’ve got nothing but time,” she said, watching him pace. “And you might be able to. It might be a matter of wanting it more than being afraid. Or learning how it isn’t bad.” She stood up as well, shaking slightly as the thunder rolled, but she tried to swallow the worst of it. She was inside, she was safe. “You don’t have to do anything. I don’t expect you to do anything.”
The sight of Edan shaking did more to calm him down than her words had, forcing his mind away from his own issues and bringing his focus back to her. "I know you don't," he said, managing to summon a small smile to offer her as he stopped pacing. "And I'm s....sorry for getting angry. I didn't want to....Right now you are what I care about."
“You’re allowed to be angry Matt,” Edan said. What he said made her stomach flip in the best of ways, that rollercoaster drop that took the air from her lungs for an instant. Holding out a hand to him she beckoned back towards her bed because that space seemed the safest right now. “I’m sorry I upset you.”
Unsurprisingly he didn't take the offered hand but he did take a step back towards the bed. "Maybe I am allowed but I don't enjoy feeling that way," he told her, embarrassed at both his loss of control and the fact that she had seen it. "And p...please don't feel like you have to apologise, you did n...nothing wrong."
“Everyone feels angry. It happens.” Edan sat back down, looking up at him. “I did plenty of things,” she said wrapping her arms around herself. “But...when you’re ready...maybe there’s things we can come up with that don’t involve as much touching.”
"None of them were wrong Edan," he said, kneeling on the floor at the end of the bed so he was looking up at her. Her suggestion had his smile brightening though and he rested his elbows on the bed. "But I like the sound of that."
He was too sweet to her, and it made her smile. She smiled down at him and nodded. “Well you are the photographer. And for the moment...we’re alone...” She trailed off, letting him take the suggestion wherever he wanted.
Matt glanced at his camera then back to her, unsure of what exactly to suggest. He’d never been in the situation of having a willing model but then perhaps he shouldn’t have been surprised given the way Edan was constantly putting him in new situations. “I’ve never had someone model for me before,” he admitted, moving around to reclaim his camera.
“Well provided I can trust you not to show everything off to everyone or sell them to tabloids, I think I might be up for anything.” She flushed slightly when she said it, but managed to smile at him still. “Only if you want.”
The implications behind the word ‘anything’ weren’t lost on him and he flushed in turn, clutching his camera to his chest. Despite that he held her eye as he replied, “You can trust me Edan.”
That earned him a brighter smile and a nod. “I figured as much.” She shifted so she was more on her stomach, closer to eye level with him, fingers twisting in her hair as she tilted it to one side. “I’m not sure why, but I figured that.”
Matt might have said something but the image Edan was presenting in that moment was one he couldn’t let pass and, rocking back on his heels, pulled the lens cap free. “Don’t move,” he said, an oddly commanding tone to his voice despite how softly he spoke and, lifting the camera to his eye, snapped a photo.
The commanding tone to his voice was different and she had no problem with doing just as he said, holding still so he could take her picture. It was really different, that voice, and after a moment, she was starting to think she liked it. “What next?”
Not moving from his position crouched on his heels, Matt looked contemplative - he still wasn't feeling entirely sure of himself but the way she had just done as he'd told her, and it was telling because he certainly hadn't asked was making him feel more confident. Before he could say anything though, a particularly loud clap of thunder roared outside, lightning flashing at the window. "Lets go into the bathroom," he said, an idea coming to him as he gracelessly stood back up.
She was doing a good job of ignoring the thunder, focusing on Matt instead, and honestly, while it was bad, it wasn’t as bad as some of the storms she remembered. That last flash of lightning and thunder though had her hiding her head, dropping the position she’d held for him. She was more than welcome for the suggestion, feeling too close to the windows even if they were across the room, and already thinking the bathroom would be safer. Despite his being closer, she was in the room first, arms wrapped around herself. This is the safest room in the building. A mental mantra, just to get her breathing under control considering it was starting to come in gasps.
He kept out of her way as she moved into the bathroom, her distress all too clear to him, before following her in and, switching the light on, closed the door behind them. The small room left little space between them but for the moment he was able to ignore his own discomfort for the sake of easing hers. Moving to the tub, he turned on the faucet, letting the sound of the running water drown out the storm outside. "D...did you want to light some candles?" He asked, hoping she might find the act calming as well as it being a distraction.
Edan had to admit she had no idea what he had in mind. She wasn’t really thinking about it too much, but the fact that he was turning on the water in the tub confused her. It showed for a moment on her features before he asked his question and then she was nodding, opening up the cabinet to find one of the book of matches she’d taken there, then let herself focus on the candles littered around the room. Lighting each candle was close to a process, watching the match burn before holding it against the wick, waiting for it to double in size as the wick caught the flame. She used each match until it was almost gone, as if savoring them like the little match girl from the story her mother had told her when she was a child.
Matt had the right idea of how she’d enjoy the act, relaxing as she did it, not completely but at least some. When her eyes met his again she was calmer, less shaken. Part of her was waiting though, expectant on what he might say next, if he’d give her another directive.
Matt kept out of her way, staying silent as she went through her little ritual with each candle, unable to stop himself from taking a few photos of her during the process though given how focused she was, he strongly doubted that she noticed. By the time she turned her attention back to him however, the camera once again sat idle in his hands and he offered her a smile, reaching over to turn out the overhead light leaving the room bathed in the flickering candle light. Then he came unstuck, unsure of what to do next.
These were the moments it was going to be the hardest that he was so afraid. Her fears were easily blocked out, just like now. Between the water and the low lights it was hard to even notice the storm raging outside, but Matt was still afraid, no matter how badly she wished he wasn’t. She went to sit on the edge of the tub, not really thinking as she adjusted the temperature of the water to something warmer, more comfortable. The laugh slipped out before she could stop it, something that lacked real humor and was more self-deprecating than anything else. “I just had a ridiculous idea,” she said to counteract it, explain it.
The laugh may not have been the most joyful in the world but it broke the silence and for that he was grateful. The explanation that followed was largely unnecessary for that reason but he was glad it was offered and with it, his curiosity piqued. "What is it?" he asked, offering what he hoped was an encouraging smile.
She glanced back at him, glad the dim light hid most of her blush. “You wouldn’t like it,” she prefaced, so he knew she was aware of that and maybe also to give him an idea of what she had thought of. “But a bath would be pretty great.”
Tensing slightly at her warning, Matt couldn't help but look past her to the bath at her suggestion and, unlike her, enough light was hitting his face to clearly show the blush that sprung up there. "Oh," he said quietly. "W...well, you can do that if you want, I can wait in the other room or we could draw the curtain..." Another possibility struck him but he kept it to himself, worried it would sound strange.
Edan raised an eyebrow at him, liking that blush that echoed her own. “Neither of those would make it a ridiculous idea...” she started because she hadn’t thought of sending him out or hiding behind the shower curtain. She’d thought of him joining her, which she was positive he would hate and die of fear from. She pushed the drain closed, letting the water start to fill. “Plus it’d be lonely that way.”
"Oh," he said, acutely aware he was repeating himself and wondered where exactly his usually dependable vocabulary had disappeared to. Of course it had never had to deal with being voluntarily shut in a small bathroom with a woman proposing to take a bath so really it wasn't that surprising. "You w...w...w...want me to stay then."
Nodding, Edan managed a small smile in his direction. “Among other things. Though I know...I know what your limits are.” She was trying to be understanding all the while surprised at how forward she felt she was being. But at the same time, how long had it been? A year at least, maybe more. She really couldn’t remember her last date and her last relationship had been a while before. Plus, knowing that there were so many roadblocks to the simpler first steps made alternative options far more appealing. Like not having something made her want that much more of it.
Matt shook his head. "I think you have to actually have done something in order to have limits," he pointed out awkwardly.
“You have done something,” Edan pointed out. “And I’m guessing you joining me is beyond that.” She couldn’t help it. Maybe it was because she knew he wasn’t going to that she was so fearless in saying it. Tugging at his sweatshirt she got it off, setting it aside reverently.
He started to nod but then she was taking off the hoodie and the reality of the situation hit him, an all too familiar panic starting to rise in his chest. “Edan, w...w...wait,” he said.
That got her to stop, looking at him. “What?”
“I...” He stopped, unsure what it was he wanted to say, what he should say, but knowing that he wasn’t ready to see Edan that way. It wasn’t that he was a prude, rather that his feelings towards her were already so overwhelming that he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to deal with him if she were to cross that line. “I don’t think I, that you should...”
Edan didn’t move again besides to turn the water off, looking at him. “No?” she asked gently, feeling more than embarrassed, but trying to hold it back even if quite a bit slipped through. “I said it was ridiculous.” And she’d been more than right apparently.
Immediately struck with guilt on seeing her embarrassment, Matt shook his head, desperate to reassure her. “It w...wasn’t ridiculous Edan,” he said, taking a step towards her. “Just...too soon I think.”
“Too soon makes it ridiculous.” She traced patterns in what standing water there was, maybe half full, a little less than she would have liked for herself. Maybe just enough to for two. She really needed to get those thoughts out of her head. Matt didn’t want that and as much it frustrated her, she didn’t want to lose him.
He looked at her then down at the water and the ripples spreading across its surface. “It isn’t your fault,” he told her, kneeling next to the tub and tracing his own patterns into the water, watching as the two sets blurred together, sending out new ripples in turn.
“It is,” Edan said because even now she wanted to be closer, wanted to be next to him. “I just keep finding myself not knowing what to do.”
“I don’t know either.” He looked back at her, hand stilling in the water. “I wish I did, that I had something to suggest.” He let out a small sigh. “Maybe I should request some X-Men comics from the administration, try and find something.”
“I hate that everything that I think of doing would scare you.” Edan’s fingers didn’t still, still tracing figure eights in the water. “What good would comics do?”
“There’s a character in them, a mutant, who literally can’t touch anyone because otherwise she steals their life-force,” he explained. “So she has to wear gloves all the time and keeps herself distant from people so she doesn’t hurt them but that doesn’t stop her wanting to be close to people so I thought...” He trailed off, eyes dropping back to the water.
Edan listened patiently, then moved her fingers closer to where his were, tracing new lines in the water that sent ripples towards his hand. “You thought you’d figure out how she did it.”
Matt smiled faintly as the water lapped against his hand, sending a ripple of his own back to her. "I think its somewhere to start," he replied, glancing up at her.
She nodded, not sure if it was somewhere to start or just somewhere, but she could work with that. Leaning forward she smiled at him, lightly despite the sadness that lurked in her eyes. “You’re going to figure it out Matt. Or figure something out.”
He looked at her properly then. "Well I have an excellent incentive," he said, hand moving that bit closer to hers, the water providing an oddly comforting kind of buffer.
“There’s always a chance it’ll be like opening floodgates,” Edan teased though she doubted it would be like that. It would come slow, steadily, in bits and pieces. But maybe eventually the need would outweigh the fear. “Once you start, there’ll be no stopping.”
"Maybe," he said, smiling a little at her teasing which he much preferred to seeing her looking sad on his account. "I have been known to get...overly enthusiastic when something interests me."
Her smile shifted to something a little more coy, more just for him. “I look forward to overly enthusiastic. Well, provided you’re thorough, which I am guessing you would be.” Everything about him all but screamed that. It was a distant thought, but Edan was almost sure that once he figured out how, he’d be very good at it.
Flirting was a new thing to Matt having never had a need for it before but something about where they were, the soft light from the candles and the sound of water lapping at the sides of the tub, made it come surprisingly easy even if his cheeks began to colour as he spoke. "Oh very." His smile took on a coy edge of its own as he added. "My college professors always told me that I applied myself more than any of their other students."
Fingers traced another circle around his, dancing closer, watching the water lap before she looked at him. “I have a feeling you’d become the teacher before too long.” Edan refused to let herself think of what they were saying as sad, wanting it to be happy and fun.
"And what if I want you to be the teacher?" He asked, turning his hand over in the water so her fingers could pass over his, close but still not touching.
She ran her fingers right where he wanted, close but not there yet. “You’d be my favorite student.” Edan smiled more, eyes glancing at him a little. “Teacher’s pet even.”
Matt went as far to raise his eyebrow at that. "Teacher's pet you say? I guess I'll have to work extra hard to earn that title, bring gifts to class..."
“I like gifts,” Edan teased. “But you might have to stay after for an independent study. I hope you can make the time.” Her tone was teasingly sad, as if she hated putting him out, but her smile hinted at so much more.
"My education is incredibly important to me, I'll gladly put in as much extra time as you think is necessary," he replied, trying to keep his voice serious though there was no hiding the sparkle in his eye as he said it. They were truly playing parts now, like actors performing a play, and it was oddly freeing. It even seemed to get easier as they went on, the reality of the situation forgotten for the time being.
“That’s good to hear,” Edan said, nodding. “Because some of the work is a little labor intensive.” She was surprised at how easily he was going along with it, but it was fun, distracting. “Some...you just have to keep doing until you get it right. And then...well then you don’t want to stop.”
"I'm not afraid of hard work," Matt told her, the sentiment a genuine one in spite of their silliness. "Which is probably a blessing as I'm something of a perfectionist and....well, it isn't always easy but there'd a reason they say a job well done is it's own reward." Something he hoped would be the case with this.
“I think being a perfectionist is going to do nothing but make you good at this,” Edan said with a smile, flush starting to creep into her cheeks. “And I think in this case there’s an extra reward for a job well done.”
He actually grinned at that though it was highly likely the sight of her blushing contributed to it. "That is very reassuring to know," he said. "Though I must confess I am intrigued to know what this extra reward might be, will you tell me or must I wait in suspense?"
She let out a small laugh biting her lower lip for a moment before looking at him, blush not fading, not with the direction things had taken. “Beyond general satisfaction, because there would be a lot of that, sometimes things get reciprocated. Or new things are tried. Or maybe you just get a guaranteed chance to do it again.”
"I think I could be quite amicable to that kind of arrangement," he replied quietly, all too aware of what they were talking about. "Providing I prove able to...start lessons." His own blush deepened a touch but he kept hold of his smile despite the presence of his own fear reasserting itself. "And I do w....w....want to."
“Whenever you’re ready, I’m here to teach,” Edan said, feeling painfully honest about that. The moment he wanted more she was bound to drop everything. Nodding a little she found herself, leaning in again. “Me too.”
Matt's smile widened a touch, his gratitude clear, and didn't pull away as she moved towards him. "I'm so lucky to have met you Edan," he said quietly, an unmistakable awe in his voice like he still couldn't believe his good fortune.
She smiled with him, nodding a little. “I feel the same way.” Part of her ached to kiss him again, but she didn’t, not wanting to scare him.
He felt the same ache and it should have been easy to do with things so open between them and the intimacy of the setting but he wasn’t able to muster the courage. Instead he just offered her another a smile, his eyes falling on their hands in the water, drifting around each other as close as they could possibly be without actually touching, and couldn’t help but note how it seemed to sum up their relationship so far.
Edan let the her fingers trail around his, similar thoughts to his running through her mind, among everything else. “It’s gonna be okay Matt,” she said softly before looking up at him.
Optimism didn't come easily to Matt and with the business with the stocks and Caroline's death still very present in his mind, it was even harder to grasp than usual. There was something in Edan's voice that compelled him to agree with her though, at least in part. "I hope so."
She bit her lip again, nodding. “We have each other at the very least right?” she asked, wanting him to feel like if they stuck together they could get through this, even with everything seeming to go haywire.
It was easier to smile at that and so he did, nodding in agreement. "Yes we do," he told her, letting his fingers brush against hers in the closest approximation he could manage to squeezing her hand.
The brush of his hand sent a small shiver up her spine, having spent too long waiting for something and reacting to anything. Still, she smiled, nodding a little. “Will you stay till the storm ends?”
"Of course I will," he told her, not missing how she'd reacted to his touch and feeling oddly thrilled at having made her do so.
“Thanks,” she said, relieved he’d agreed. She was almost sure he would, but it made things easier. Smiling a little she traced another line near his fingers. Her nerves were still a little raw, but having him there definitely made it better.
Still smiling, Matt shook his head. "You really don't need to thank me Edan," he said. "Like I said earlier, I'm more than happy to be here." He paused, eyes dropping, and his smile grew shy. "In fact, there's nowhere I'd rather be right now."
She smiled as well, looking at him and smiling more. “I’m glad that’s the case. There’s no one else I want to be with.” Or at least no one she could think of in that moment.