Kyle Van Allen (arty_kyle) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-10-28 22:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | day seven, kyle, kyle and leandro, leandro |
More Than Pillow Talk
Characters: Leandro and Kyle
Setting: Coutryard, Leandro's room, morning
After the turmoil of the night, Leandro had slept like the dead for several hours. He woke up face down in his pillow, breath wheezing audibly against the linen. Uncomfortable, he sat up and rubbed his fingers into his ribcage to relieve the stressed muscles. He had been unaware of the sounds and events of the hours past.
Rousing once more from bed with a pulsing headache, Leandro went through the motions of preparing for the day. A steaming shower soothed his nerves a little further. When he was through he brushed the steam from the mirror and looked into his own eyes, his neck, his shoulders. The sprawling symbols reinforced his resolution. Today would be a different day.
Clean and dressed in his usual dark pallete and boots, he stepped from his room only to be greeted by a dispersing throng of people in the middle of the courtyard and something odd on the ground. He wrinkled his brow, instinctively looking around for more information. He saw a familiar figure headed in the other direction and charged into motion again before he got away.
"Kyle," he called in a short bark, then coughed into his fist. He tried again when he made it closer. "Hey, Kyle. What's going on?"
Kyle had carried on walking for a few paces before he clued into the fact that his name had been called and he stopped and turned, his face pale. "Hey," he said, quietly. He swallowed and formed the words in his head before he tried. "A girl - she fell off the roof. Or jumped - nobody seems to know. But - she died," he said, his voice under heavy control as he tried to keep it together. And not add 'and everyone else has decided to go for coffee'. "I, erm - I was just going to go..." He shrugged. He didn't have an answer for what his destination had been going to be. He'd just needed to be away. "Somewhere. I don't know," he concluded, sounding a little lost.
Leandro's eyes widened a touch at that news. "Dead...?" He echoed, not trying to hide his astonishment. "I... Who was it? A girl? She really jumped off the roof?" That was more than extreme, and though Leandro understood the things that bring someone to do such a thing deep in the darkest pits of his heart, still it was a shock to know that someone had carried it out. It was a sick, nightmarish road getting to that point. Either that, or it had been one of the more delicate personalities not cut out for surviving on her own. That thought didn't settle well with him either.
He shook his head to douse the thought. "I want you to come with me," he said surely, knowing that he did not want Kyle to be alone after seeing such a thing. He reached over to snag his hand just slowly enough that if Kyle wanted to escape the touch he could. He still wasn't sure about how the artist felt about even more public displays. "Or I'll go with you. Either way, let's go somewhere. Anywhere you want."
Kyle shook his head, but allowed his hand to be snagged, taking a half step forward, but no more. "I don't know - they don't know. She might have fallen." He looked up, though they were under the cover of the walkway. "I didn't even think anyone would be able to get to the roof," he added. He didn't seem to catch the comment about going somewhere. Kyle was clearly not processing everything well today.
With one more glance spared toward the courtyard, Leandro squeezed his hand a little tighter and started to lead Kyle away. "You can talk about it if you want to," he tried, his eyes full of concern. "Or not talk about it. Whatever you want." The crowd appeared to be headed for public areas, so Leandro decided to take Kyle back somewhere private to give him a chance to relax. If he changed his mind and wanted to go somewhere later, they'd figure it out then.
It was only until he was several steps back towards his door that he realized he'd forgotten his own darkened mood. It had suddenly seem less important than the chill over Kyle's face. It made his heart tremble a little, but his stomach turn with nervousness at the same time.
Back at his door, he gathered his steadiness and opened it. "You should rest with me in here for a while."
"Okay." Kyle let himself be led, unusually docile as he walked inside Leandro's room and sat on the edge of the bed, his back straight, his hands on his knees as he stared at the floor. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened, about what was going on, yet at the same time, he couldn't properly process it either. Someone had died. One of them. In their tiny little community, it seemed so close and even though he hadn't known the woman, it didn't matter.
Blinking, he looked up towards Leandro. "Could I have a glass of water?" he asked.
Leandro watched somewhat helplessly as Kyle sat down stiff as a board. His own teeth worried and wrestled with his lip ring, anxiety growing. He wasn't great at comforting people, but felt absolutely compelled to try. It made his throat feel tight, breath stuck up high on his tongue.
He swallowed it down when he heard Kyle's request, nodding and moving from having stood there dumbly in the middle of the floor. "Yeah, okay," he agreed, shuffling towards the bathroom. He hoped Kyle wouldn't mind that he wasn't going to get him good water from the kitchen, but he had hoarded away a clean plastic cup from there amongst the other "just in case" things he habitually stole and squirreled into the cabinet. It was there amongst scissors, thread, some nails, several cans of food, and the like. He gave it a quick rinse out before he filled it and brought it over.
"Ah... here you go," Leandro murmured, passing it to him. Once his hands were free he hesitated a second, and then could not help but sink onto the bed too and give in to his desire. He threw his arms around Kyle and engulfed him in a firm embrace, pressing his lips to the side of his head. He had no idea what to say to accompany that, but he hoped the message came across.
Kyle accepted the water, and then managed not to spill it as he was suddenly being hugged. He turned into the other man, resting his forehead against his shoulder and just breathed for a moment, his eyes closed. His free hand felt its way to rest against Leandro's hip, not returning the hug, but appreciating the move. After a moment or two of allowing himself to just rest and take comfort he took a deeper breath and pulled back, turning away and taking a slow sip of the water. "God. I just..." he muttered. He took another sip. "...Fuck."
Leandro leaned back into Kyle while he had him in his arms, snuggling his cheek against the top of his head while Kyle rested against his shoulder. It was warming to have him that way, and he regretted it when Kyle pulled away. His arms fell limp onto his thighs.
"I know," he sighed from what he gathered of Kyle's sentiment. "I know. It's..."
He turned his head up to watch Kyle's face. He observed the way he drank from the glass as if taking him in. "Are you afraid? You don't think it will happen again, do you?" That was not to say that Leandro didn't expect more death. He did. But something in him would have been sad to know that Kyle did.
Kyle blinked and looked over at Leandro. “Afraid? No - I mean... I don’t think I’m afraid.” He paused, collecting his thoughts, then suddenly erupted into a stream of words. “Not like ‘oh fuck, we’re in the middle of a horror movie and we’re all going to die’ kind of afraid. Like falling off roofs or jumping or anything like that’s contagious or that there’s some kind of murderer out there.” He stopped, realising what he just said and barked a humourless laugh. “Well, aside from the murderers.” For once, he didn’t seem to be including himself in that assessment. “But not afraid like that. Or - I just... She’s dead. It’s just... You don’t expect that kind of thing to happen. Fucked up shit I could understand, but not death. And definitely not like that.”
He looked away again and took another sip of water. “I just... Didn’t expect it,” he said, more quietly again.
Leandro was silent throughout Kyle's outburst, sliding his hands in between his own knees and squeezing them together while he listened. His head bobbed once in something of a brief nod. "I... wasn't expecting it either, but I'm not super shook up. I've seen this shit happen before. People get fed up and just do it. A few times I saw people who had nothing to lose do stupid things. Once or twice people who uprooted everyone by messing up."
He closed his lips again abruptly, not sure how that actually helped. Or if it helped. Or if it would just be uncomfortable and wrong. Maybe it was cold of him for the death of someone he didn't know not to strike him through like it did Kyle. But after a while of the same story on the news - someone shot in the rough part of town - it became part of the way things drifted in and out of life.
Kyle seemed to listen to that, and he nodded, once, inhaling deeply. He squared his shoulders and set the glass down by the side of the bed. “You’re right,” he said - though his voice very much sounded like he was trying to convince himself. “Shit happens.”
For some reason, hearing the way Kyle repeated it made it sound wrong. Leandro grimaced sharply for a second, before he could get his face to relax and broach the subject again. "That's... That's not really what I meant. I mean, its a bad thing. It's really bad. But she kind of made a choice, didn't she? She decided that being out of here, whether it was suicide or her trying to get out, was worth her life. I'm not sure a lot of people would make the same choice right now but she made it."
His hands clasped a little more firmly at his knees, trying desperately to turn his brain to something more compassionate, more comforting. At last, he just moved his hand to sit on Kyle's leg and said, "I'm sorry it hurts you like that. Or however it is you feel. I, um... I really like you, so I wish it didn't. It upsets me that you're upset."
Kyle looked down at the hand on his leg and listened to what Leandro said. Looking over he cocked an eyebrow, his expression saying clearly that he was very aware that the other man was bad at this. “Y’know - there’s not a right thing to say right now,” he said, resting his own hand over Leandro’s and squeezing softly. It was his way of letting him off the hook.
Kyle's gaze felt like a spotlight on Leandro's face. He half-smiled into it sheepishly, shifting in place. "I guess..." he admitted quietly. "I wanted there to be though. Is that good?" He ducked his chin, but gave Kyle a hopeful look in return under the fringe of his hair. His thumb started to smooth back and forth over Kyle's knee.
Kyle chuckled a little. It figured that Leandro would have to actually ask that question. He hardly screamed ‘relationship’, after all. And Kyle had been working on the basis that the other man simply didn’t do them. So, he was softly amused at the question, and warmed slightly that Leandro had put himself into a position that it could be asked in that way. “Yeah, that’s good,” he agreed, reaching out and pushing the curtain of hair back from his face. “Are you okay?” he asked. “I mean - you said that you’re not shook up and all, but - you okay?” He asked the question honestly, wanting to check, with no suggestion that he was assuming one way or another. He knew that Leandro was appearing to be alright - if somewhat concerned about him - but still, he knew what it was to act, to put up a front. Kyle wasn’t going to simply let things slide that way. He would prefer to be upfront. So far, that seemed to be working for them as they felt their way through whatever this was.
The feeling that Kyle was amused helped to make Leandro feel even more sheepish. He felt like a mess when he wasn't slinging jokes or being outrageous, and when his hair was brushed back it revealed how puppy-ish his gaze was. He liked that feeling, though, so he held his muscles taut and refused to recoil as he might have otherwise. This was only growing more difficult by the second, knowing what he had to say to Kyle and that there was no good time to tell him. Or imagining that it would compound and make life even worse for them. For now, he just wanted to absorb this rare sunshine.
"I'm okay," he decided without moving his head. "It's good that I found you. I wouldn't have wanted you to be alone after seeing that. Maybe you're not used to these things happening... I mean, not that anyone should be, but that's kind of..." He shrugged vaguely, realizing that he hadn't really answered the question in regards to himself. He didn't want to just yet.
Kyle felt a flash of guilt at that that his instinct hadn’t been to seek Leandro out, but he was glad that he was here now. Even though he hated the clear fact that this was almost normal for the other man. That wasn’t fair, that wasn’t right. Nobody should have a life like that.
“You shouldn’t be used to this.” The words were out before Kyle was even aware of them. He had only meant to think them, not actually say them out loud. It wasn’t as if he could change Leandro’s life, after all.
"Used to what?" Leandro murmured automatically, and that probably said enough. He did perk up a bit though, brows raising curiously. When it hit him, he glanced down again and shrugged another time, this time more coolly. "Oh, you mean... this. It is what it is. Desperate situations make for desperate people. I've been through this myself, remember? I'm not saying I'm okay with it, or that I think it's a great choice, but sometimes it feels like the only one. There's nothing to do for her now. She couldn't handle this little experiment, so..."
He huffed a shallow sigh. That didn't feel satisfying. Like there was something else he should say. He gazed at Kyle seriously. "I don't think the situation here is so bad to warrant that... Yet. But I don't know. You're here. That's pretty good. I think we're having a good time despite."
Kyle’s brow furrowed. “No - I don’t remember,” he said, trying to place that. “What - are you saying?” he asked. Leandro had mentioned before that he’d seen this kind of thing, but what had Kyle going right now was the fact that the man was talking about how sometimes if felt like the only choice. The way he worded that brought up all sorts of possibilities about Leandro’s life that made Kyle sick to his stomach with worry, regardless of the way Leandro seemed to want to spin things somewhat positive.
There was a little distress seeping into Leandro's expression. They'd had an entire conversation about how Leandro had come to expect death, had tested it and edged toward it, and he very much wanted Kyle to remember it. It had taken a lot to say it. Even now, it took effort to re-establish the facts. He licked his lips uncomfortably.
"Just... shit that's happened," he started ineffectually. "I've seen people get shot. I've seen people give up. There was..."
Now his momentum made him start a story and he wasn't sure he wanted to finish. He tried looking hard into Kyle's eyes to find a reason not to tell him, but all he came back with was that they were very pretty eyes, even when they were upset. This was beginning to border on ridiculous. Leandro clenched his lips, then continued.
"I was on the street and there was this guy. Homeless, skinny like he hadn't eaten in a while, missing an arm from the elbow down. I think he was a veteran or something. Anyway, he would sit under this overpass where I bought my shit, night after night. One time I bought a bottle of xannies and he finally came up and begged for a couple so he could sell them and get something to eat. I'd just downed like five so I let him have them. I didn't even know where I was at that point. I think he just took them. But we sat there under the highway watching the cars go by, just being out of our minds. It felt like we were there for hours."
Leandro paused to squeeze Kyle's hand a little tighter, as if for reassurance that he would not suddenly slip back into this memory. "After a while he says, "I pissed myself." I said "What the hell?" And he just said it again. "I just pissed myself." Then it was the most surreal thing. Maybe the xannies made me hallucinate all of it. But he got up and walked into traffic."
He stopped yet another time, biting it back with the sheer force of his lips together. Their edges were turning white. His eyes tracked up to Kyle, their depths black and empty. "I guess he didn't feel human anymore."
Kyle watched and listened, his eyes on Leandro, never leaving him. He didn’t say anything, but once the other man had finished, Kyle scooted backwards, pushing himself up the bed, pulling Leandro with him - or, at least, encouraging him to come with. Kyle positioned himself against the pillows and held his arms out, silently asking Leandro to come into them. Right now, he just wanted to hold him. The story spoke more of what hadn’t been said, of the kind of life that led to that sort of an an anecdote. And, more than that, Kyle remained worried in a way he hadn’t connected to before. Sure, they had talked about the way Leandro hadn’t felt alive, and yet somehow Kyle hadn’t made that true connection to what that might have actually meant until right at that moment. Now it had slammed home and Kyle didn’t know whether to specifically ask about what he was afraid might be the truth, or whether he should just let Leandro carry on talking about the death he had seen around other people.
Leandro ran all out of steam for talking about death at the moment that Kyle pulled away. His first instinct was to take it wrong, recoiling his arms until he felt the pull on them that meant Kyle was trying to take him with him. It was as though a great and terrible weight had lifted, but still left in its place a sour residue of uncertainty. He looked at Kyle for a time, looked at his inviting arms, the soft place within them that he might lay his head. It took him several moments before the ice around him thawed and he joined him. Leandro crawled over and slipped in beside Kyle, wrapping his arms in return around his waist and pulling him close. His face tucked into Kyle's neck under his chin, and he let himself rest that way, feeling the rhythm of his breath so unlike his own. So steady and strong.
He didn't speak for some time. It wasn't until his own posture eased, his spine going more flexible under Kyle's hands, that he said, "I don't want you to feel sorry for me. At least not as the main reason why you hang around me."
Kyle wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in and holding him close, his head dipped so he could rest his nose in the long, dark hair. He let the silence drift. If felt better to just concentrate on the physical for a time. He felt no pressing need to talk. Comfort needed no words, though Kyle was not entirely sure who was comforting whom right now.
When Leandro finally spoke, the artist lifted his face just enough that his words wouldn’t be muffled. “That’s never going to be the main reason I hang around you,” he promised. “But I will always regret that you had to live through that kind of thing. Nobody should have to. None of it.”
It didn't matter to Leandro who was comforting whom. For the moment, he had Kyle with him and he had not gotten up and run away. The silence was like a blanket, soothing and warm against the echo of his own breath on Kyle's skin, the radiation of his scent. But Kyle did speak too, eventually, and Leandro answered him in a mellow whisper.
"I wouldn't really be surprised. You know. If you couldn't handle it. Or if you ever came upon something about me you couldn't handle. Maybe it's bad... but it's me, and I don't know anything else. So..." This was his statement of resignation. It was impossible to separate this from his identity by then, at least for him, so to see the good in him was to eventually see the bad too. Kyle would hear about it soon enough. "It is what it is."
“Yeah, it is what it is,” Kyle agreed, not arguing that point. “But I don’t give up on people easily. So - let’s just take this as it comes, okay? Anyway, who knows - you might find something about me you can’t handle first,” he suggested, softly placing a kiss on the top of Leandro’s head, starting to trace the ends of his fingers back and forth along his spine, just the lightest of touches, but firm and steady for all of that.
In truth, Kyle didn’t want to think about the possibility too much. Whenever he thought too much about the reality of the people around him, he could feel his heart beginning to race - and not in a good way. Meg, Leandro, Adam - they all had pasts. By the very definition, everyone here had something in their past that wouldn’t stand up to scrutiny. Kyle had decided that the best way to get through that was simply not to prejudge. To just try and take people one step at a time. Get to know them. Not think too much on what was in their pasts. Bite sized - it was easier that way. He didn’t feel so much like a lamb to the slaughter that way. He could make like he knew what he was doing, like he was strong and capable. He didn’t have to feel like the victim he refused to be.
Leandro had to smile softly at that. A blossom of tenderness arose from the spot that Kyle kissed. It was a beautiful gesture. "I doubt that. I can handle a lot. Anyway, you've been good to me. You asked me for more when a lot of people would have turned away. I won't forget that, you know."
It felt appropriate to let another moment of peace go by, one in which Leandro smoothed his own hands over Kyle's form, from the edges of his ribcage to the hill of his hip bone, with an admiring touch. Kyle was not innocent, but he was good. He was clean in a strange way, having done what he did seemingly without ever plumbing the depths of what it really meant. He had been safe up on his cloud above it. Normally the thought of that would have made Leandro furious, but this time... it just felt like it had kept Kyle safer, like he was still someone who could speak of conscience and not have it be a lie.
"I meant what I said, you know," he said all of a sudden. His face pulled back enough to look up at Kyle steadily. "I never hurt anyone. I didn't want to. Even when the worst things ever happened to me, I couldn't raise my hand against a person." Slowly, some of that hope from before trickled into his expression. Maybe he could be the same way. A little scuffed, but not entirely without merit.
Kyle quirked a smile in return to Leandro’s. “So long as the main reason you’re hang around me isn’t out of some sense of obligation, because I gave you a chance,” he teased, clearly more self-confident and at ease about this situation than the other man. He didn’t need labels for this to be familiar territory for him, and it was a nice break from the trials of this morning, for all that they were still edging around difficult subjects. Kyle would take comfort where he found it and allow it to feed him.
As Leandro continued speaking, a declaration that it seemed he was almost desperate for Kyle to believe, the artist maintained eye contact, threading his fingers into the curtain of Leandro’s hair and pulling it back out of his face, holding it, still twined in his hand, at the back of his head, though not tightly. It wasn’t meant to be a controlling statement, but rather a connection, a closeness. And, also, a way of simply keeping the hair out of the way as Kyle leaned in a brushed a soft, chase kiss over the other man’s lips. “I believe you,” he said, resting back against the pillow again. What he really meant was ‘I want to believe you’. In this place, it amounted to the same thing. Nobody could really be sure who was telling the truth and who was lying, but Kyle had made the decision that he believed Leandro. The other man had a softness that he kept hidden and it suited Kyle to believe that it was all a carefully crafted front. That this man, with his extensive tattoos, with his piercings, with his cocksure attitude, had actually never even hurt a fly.
Leandro was patiently still while Kyle's hand swept through his hair, gathering it up to pull it out of his face. It seemed as though this particular gesture was becoming a habit, something symbolic. It was like Kyle's way of revealing him. He had a way with that. Leandro's full face stared back at him without the inhibition of his hair, none of its softer shapes obscured.
When Kyle kissed him and said those words they made his heart pick up again with a strangely light quality. The heaviness of their previous conversation hardly mattered; it was gone now and there was a kiss on his lips. Leandro smiled again, soothed. "Thank you. I'm glad that you do. I believe you, too. I know it would probably be easy to say anything here, since there's nobody from your past around to correct you. But I don't think you've done that."
He moved then to press his own kiss onto Kyle's lips. His were not exactly chaste, but they weren't overbearing either. He held him by the hip and leaned into him, enjoying just as much the connection of the body. When he pulled away he did so only very slowly, letting their lips part gradually so that at the very last they could just sense them having touched. He opened his eyes and smirked softly.
"Oh, yeah. I meant to ask you about that. What's this about giving me a chance? And never being able to get a straight answer out of me?" His brow rose too, and he moved his hand to brush his fingertip against the line of Kyle's lower lip. Some of his previous boundary-defying confidence crept back in. "Has this beautiful mouth been busy even when I'm not around?"
There was a flash of something which passed over Kyle’s face at Leandro’s response, but it was gone before he kissed him for a second time and Kyle returned them, chasing after the other man’s lips slightly as he drew back. His eyes fluttered open, his almost serene expression turning to one of wariness as he saw the smirk.
“Huh?” he asked, the sound making his breath ghost out hot against Leandro’s finger. “What was...?” It wasn’t that he was trying to deny anything, it was simply that he hadn’t expected to be asked about it. The question left him feeling unbalanced for a moment, especially coming on the heels of the start of making out.
Leandro's smirk widened into a crafty little grin that fed off of Kyle's disorientation. The flutter of his eyelashes, the breath on his finger... It was amazing to feel so wanted. It had him feeling back to full strength. He easily pressed in on Kyle harder, wanting to get him while he was lying back so that he could slide in on top of him and lie against him, faces hovering close together. His hands sought out Kyle's wrists in an attempt to push his arms back into the pillow, as if it were time for an interrogation. Leandro playfully rubbed their noses together though, just to quickly reassure him that he wasn't mad. This was a game.
"I heard you've been talking about me," he purred. His hips also shifted, every move easily translating between them. "Is that true, baby? Did you think somebody else would know how to handle me?" He laughed at that, almost dismissive of the thought. Adam was too busy being terrified of him.
Kyle lay down, letting himself be pushed and surrendering his arms without resistance, shuffling further down the bed so he could lie prone, his shirt riding up a little with the movement to expose a sliver of pale skin. If Leandro was going to be like that, then two could play at that game. He looked up a the other man, his blue eyes wide as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and held it for a moment. “I didn’t realise that you were meant to be some kind of big secret,” he suggested. “So, sure - maybe I mentioned you to a couple of people...”
Oh, Kyle must have been so proud of himself for finding such a foolproof tactic. That sweet look never failed to turn some sort of switch in Leandro, making him feel like he had suddenly become aware of starving for ages and being presented with a perfect little bit of dessert. And now he didn't have to hold back as much. His mind emptied of nearly everything else but getting his bite, focusing in on the delicate flesh of Kyle's throat. He bent his head lower and smothered it with his mouth, just below the Adam's apple, drinking deeply of his skin before introducing the sharp points of his teeth. He just barely scraped them along the length of his throat to grant him an awareness that they were there before stopping.
"I want to know what you said," he said in that same dark tone as he returned to Kyle's face. "If you can say it to someone else, you can say it to me."
Kyle arched his back and stretched out his neck as Leandro’s teeth scraped down the column. “I said that it’s hard to get a straight answer out of you, sometimes,” he said, meeting the other man’s eyes unabashed. “Which, you have to admit, it is. ‘Maybe I’m messing with you, Baby Blue or maybe I’m not’. ‘Maybe I’m a nice boy’. ‘Maybe I meant this, or maybe I meant that’. You, darling, love giving obscure answers that you can back out of and you already know I think that so this shouldn’t be news to you,” he pointed out with a smile playing across his lips, for all that Leandro’s tone was dark.
Leandro hissed a breath between his teeth when Kyle arched his back, since in his position that just pushed them together tighter. It was hard to resist the urge to let go of his wrists, but that would have given Kyle too much of an opening yet. He stayed as he was, though his knee went to put pressure between Kyle's, trying to slide in between them.
"I can't help it if I like your face when you're thrown off-guard," he countered. His eyes stared back into Kyle's steady look, and he made for one of his devilish grins. "It's too bad though that the person you told thinks it means I'm a liar. He doesn't like me much. Maybe he would change his mind if he knew what I said about you."
“Oh? And what do you say about me?” Kyle asked, tilting his head to the side slightly, wanting to hear what the other man would have to say to that. Wanting to hear the words. As he felt the pressure on his knees, he parted his legs, just enough to allow Leandro the access he so clearly wanted. For now, he made absolutely no comment on Adam. He knew that specifying that would break the mood, and he was really, really enjoying the mood right now.
Now Leandro did let go of Kyle's wrists, but only so that he could glide one of his hands back down Kyle's side, following down to his hip and finally onto his open thigh. He stroked it along the underside and then folded it back in against his hip for a very suggestive pose. When he shifted up a little higher he could fully push their hips together. It was obvious he was enjoying himself too despite the topic of conversation.
"What did I say?" he echoed, taking his sweet time with his words. "I said you're beautiful, and smart, and fun, and I love your fire and your fearlessness at just the right times, and that I couldn't wait to get you back into my bed in a big, blushing, sweat-soaked heap."
He let the last part sit for a moment before breaking into a soft laugh. "Okay, so I didn't say the last part. But I thought about it plenty since yesterday."
Somehow Kyle doubted that saying that would get Adam to like him, but he was politic enough not to say that aloud. And anyway, he was far too distracted by the rest. When Leandro let go of his hands, Kyle left them where they were for a few moments, resting stretched out above his head, as though Leandro had glued them to the spot.
He finally brought one hand down to hook round Leandro’s neck as he finished speaking. “You’ve thought about it?” he asked, very, very aware of their positions right now. He smiled a little. “Really?” he asked, almost coy - something that was entirely contradicted as he brought his leg up, running the sole of his foot along the back of Leandro’s calf and rolling his hips up, just enough.
Leandro didn't actually have any illusions that that conversation would not go badly. It was more or less a segue into saying sweet things for Kyle, enjoying the way he touched his neck, the way he smiled. He murmured a soft sound of appreciation for what he did with his leg, the knowing angle of his hips. Leandro very much wanted to stop right then and kiss him again. To release some of the boiling tension that so easily seemed to build between them.
But there was that question, and it was begging something. Something to be remembered. The haze of his mind swirled, bringing up bits of conversations from the past evening. Finally, Leandro admitted to himself what he had been pushing aside. His shoulders went slack, as did the rest of his posture against Kyle, and he sighed heavily.
"Yeah," he admitted simply. With his loosened grip, he was able to roll to the side and get off of Kyle, falling back against the bed. His eyes focused on the ceiling to make himself press onward. "Yeah. I'm sorry. We have to stop. We have to talk about something." Now he'd really done it. He'd let himself play around, and now this was going to be bad and messy. Anxiety fluttered in his chest.
“What?” The word left Kyle’s mouth at the same time as his brain processed the fact that he wasn’t currently being kissed within an inch of his life, the way he had expected to be right now. He expected closer, more, now. Not a sudden coldness as Leandro was suddenly gone.
Ignoring the complaints of certain parts of his anatomy, he pushed himself up onto one elbow, turning onto his side so he was looking down on Leandro. “What’s wrong?” he asked, wondering what was going on that had so suddenly derailed everything.
Leandro was quiet for some time, just staring at the ceiling in the same way. After a while his eyes did track towards Kyle's, though he seemed no more uneasy. He felt cold too, so he sat up on his elbow to match and reached to cover Kyle's hand with his own.
"Listen. I really don't want to lie to you. I never meant to mislead you, or make you do things you wouldn't have agreed to. This is just really important and really scary, okay?" His lower lip trembled a little as he spoke. He wanted to pause, but he didn't think it would help as much as just keeping his momentum right then. "I can't... do stuff with you right now. I'm... I'm waiting for a test back from the doctor. For any... problems from prison. I won't do anything to you until I have it and I know for sure. I never would have put you at risk. But I..."
Here was the real hard part, the part that had him clenching at Kyle's hand harder almost as if to plead with him. "I understand if this is too much for you and you don't want to do this at all. That's okay."
As Kyle processed what he was being told, it felt like all the breath had suddenly left his body. He blanched, staring at Leandro entirely unmoving for a moment. The words echoed in his head. ‘...problems from prison’. Round and round. He felt like he’d been slapped. Hard.
That reaction had Leandro feeling completely sure it was him. That Kyle was so disturbed that he'd gone pale like that. "I-I'm sorry!" he stuttered nervously, letting go of his hand and recoiling. His own mind was racing with fears about what Kyle would do now. Would he run away? Would he tell everyone? Had this all been a huge mistake?
Kyle felt like he was going to be sick. He was an idiot. A fucking moron. He hadn’t even stopped to think. He’d just been going along, once again not even considering the consequences of his actions. And he’d been thinking he was better than that. That he’d learned from his past.
Leandro’s words pulled him out of it though and he looked across, his eyes widening more as he realised what the other man would be thinking right now. “No - no, not... Don’t apologise. Shit. God, don’t apologise. I am the one who should apologise to you right fucking now. Not you. God. Fuck.”
Leandro calmed a little, but he still shivered a little even as he went to replace his hand back on Kyle's. Kyle looked terrified and he thought he needed something, but that statement was ultimately confusing.
"What do you mean?" he asked. "What do you have to apologize to me for? Did something happen...?"
“Lee - you’re not the only one who had ‘problems from prison’. Only - you thought to get yourself checked out. Like any fucking responsible person with a damn brain. And I... God, I didn’t even think about it.” Kyle felt sick again, the consequences hitting him hard. Not just because of what it might mean for him, but what it might have meant for Leandro as well. “I’m a fucking idiot. I’ve always been a fucking idiot.”
Lee? That was a new one, and it was very... well, it was very different from things he had been called before. He smiled absently about it, but it wasn't long before it faded again into something more serious. He squeezed Kyle's hand a little harder, trying to keep his attention focused on himself and what he was about to say, not the sadness that this could possibly mean.
"It's okay. Maybe you just weren't ready to think about it. But don't beat yourself up," he started. "Hey, if you need a test, I'll go with you if you want me to. The doc is pretty cool, he won't judge you. We'll get it figured out, and then... we'll go from there, okay?" He tried to smile again, this time more reassuringly. "I don't know how you feel and I won't assume, but if you need me I won't walk away. Even... even if you're sick, I'll stay." It was a difficult decision and he knew that, but if it had been him he would have enjoyed having the gesture extended to him if only to turn it away. He prepared himself for that, too.
That brought on a whole new level of horror for Kyle as he was forced to connect not only to the idea that he might have something, but to the reality that if he did, he’d be going to be classed as sick in the most definite of ways. His life would be changed irrevocably. This crime that he had admitted to, had pleaded guilty to, it would stop being a way to clear his conscience and re-balance his life. It would have become him giving himself a death sentence.
Kyle’s breathing started to come in shorter and shorter bursts as he thought of it all. He had been telling Leandro the truth over the journals - he wasn’t prone to panic attacks. But this - this had really blindsided him. He didn’t know how to cope with this. He squeezed his eyes shut and shuddered in a deep breath, holding it to try and break the cycle of panic. That helped a little. Exhaling, he squared his shoulders. Letting go of Leandro’s hand, he turned, moving slightly away from the other man - still in touching distance, but not actually touching. “Thank you,” he said, his tone one of highly controlled calm. “That’s sweet of you. But I don’t expect you to promise anything. I’m sorry I put you in this position - I’ll... I’ll go and see the doctor. Given everything that’s gone on, he’ll probably be busy for a while, but I’ll ask to see him as soon as possible. And then we can at least both know where we are, right?” he asked. Absently, he was aware that he had lapsed back into highly formal speech, but it was easier to control himself that way.
Leandro sat up the rest of the way and looked on, his hands locked together in his lap. He had already gone through this - the terror and mortal realization, the long-term projections, the short-term projections in case a long-term wasn't even an option. In truth, he wasn't even finished with it yet. There were still a great many questions about his future that he kept close to his heart when he didn't assume that a future was out of his reach. Seeing Kyle go through it was hard. It felt like lead in his gut. He'd never had any trouble imagining Kyle with a future, but it would be bitterly expected if the innocent way with which he handled his life had robbed it from him. Kyle deserved to have more. His mistake had been so simple, and not even all his. He'd just sold something. He hadn't controlled who took it or what they did with it, and who could?
It just made Leandro shake his head sorrowfully. "You can expect whatever you want, but I meant what I said. Don't rush off. It won't change anything. Take a bit to catch your breath, baby. Let him take care of what happened this morning, and then we'll go." He shifted on the bed, just so that he could feel like he was meeting Kyle face to face while he talked to him, leaning over slightly. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"
Kyle broke from his icy front and laughed at that, though there was not humour at all behind it. It was a harsh, cutting sound. “What else is there to talk about?” he asked, his tone razor sharp. He hadn’t done beating himself up and that was leaking out right now.
Leandro winced a bit at the laugh, trying not to show too strong of a reaction. Still, for the second time that day he was plainly concerned, his eyes soft on Kyle. It made him ache in a strange and powerful way to see him so torn up.
"Anything," he suggested. "Just talk to me. If this is the first time you're realizing anything like this, then I know you're afraid of what's about to happen to you. Maybe you're mad you let it happen. But I'm sure it's not your fault."
“Isn’t it”? Kyle asked, still in the same tone. “I made the choices. I put myself in that position. I... This is my fault. And if you hadn’t said anything... If I am - and we’d... God. Fuck.” He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering himself. The very idea of what could have been, what he could have done to Leandro, to someone he liked, who he cared about, who didn’t deserve this. “I am so sorry.”
Though he shook his head again, Leandro couldn't help but smile a little. Everything Kyle was saying sounded so very familiar. "You did, but for damn sure if you had been given a choice you would have never did what you had to have done to be at risk. But I know what it means to be there, and imagine that it's either that or have something even worse happen. And hey, I took my sweet time stopping too. We were having fun. You're very good." Then he did grin, reaching out to nudge Kyle just slightly on the arm. He didn't yet breach fully touching him again yet. "But let's just be glad that we did stop and talk about it. Stuff could have happened but it didn't. What we did do is not going to hurt us. And not a thing of it matters if we both have it." There he snorted softly, his fingertips picking at the sheet.
“Oh fuck, don’t say that,” Kyle muttered, falling forward and into Leandro, finally giving up. He wanted contact right now, his arms seeking out. Right now, he just wanted to be held.
Leandro blinked in abrupt surprise when Kyle tumbled at him. It knocked a puff of a cough out of his chest, but he easily wrapped his arms back around him and steadied him against his shoulder. One hand came up to smooth through his hair, the other held tight to his back. He whispered softly into Kyle's ear, "It's okay. We'll get it figured out. If we have it? We'll deal with it. I'll survive just like I always did, and I'll show you how too. Becka promised me that she and the doctor would do everything they could to keep everyone safe. If we need medicine or something, then we'll just do that, okay? It's not..." He paused, churning through the words he knew that might be right. "Well, it's not automatically the end. It sucks, but we're not going anywhere."
Kyle turned his head in to Leandro’s neck nuzzling against him, needing that closeness right now. “If I have it, and you don’t,” he began, forcing himself to speak. Forcing himself to say things he didn’t want to even think about. “I don’t want you to stay. I don’t want you to feel like you have to and I won’t keep you to it. I won’t have you thinking like you have to give that to a guy you’ve known less than a week, just because. And I don’t deserve that.”
Leandro's eyes widened a fair degree upon hearing that Kyle had to say. At first he just stroked his back, absorbing it, and then he could not help but laugh softly. He nuzzled closer to Kyle too, snuggling his face into his hair and dropping generous kisses all over his ear and the side of his forehead. "You have no idea," he chuckled. "We are so much more alike than we might even realize. But you know what? Even if something like that happened, something tells me that's not the end of us. I mean... maybe we're just twisted up inside from the situation but I think this is kind of... cool. You and me, hanging out." A bit of a pale explanation for them so far, considering how comfortable they seemed to be already and how intense their interactions could be, but Leandro trusted that Kyle knew what he meant.
Kyle drew back a little at that, just enough that he could search Leandro’s face, looking for answers there. He looked uncertain for a moment, then clearly made a decision, even if he didn’t vocalise the thought process. “Friends,” he said, determinedly. “And, no - not the type with any sort of benefits. That would just... confuse matters.”
He liked Leandro, for all he hadn’t known the guy that long and for all he had a real awareness that there was far more that he didn’t know about him at this stage than what he did. And Kyle got Adam’s reservations and dislike and he could see how there was a personality clash there, but that was Adam. Not Kyle. For Kyle there was no personality clash, quite the opposite, in fact. He felt like he got Leandro, like they connected on a level he wasn’t used to. As the other man had said - they were so very different, yet totally the same. Maybe that had helped develop the sense of trust that he had in Leandro, that confidence that, no matter how much the guy sometimes pushed at his boundaries, when it came down to it, he would respect them. And Kyle had been hoping that maybe they could explore whatever this was together. He’d not allowed himself to hope for anything more than that, because he had his own issues, and Leandro was, well - he didn’t seem the commitment type and whilst Kyle wasn’t sure what he was after, not thinking too hard about it seemed to be the simplest remedy there. He didn’t want to scare either of them.
Now they were here, facing this. Both of them. Facing it together, and yet at the same time facing it alone. For the time it took Leandro’s results to come back and for the time it took Kyle to have a test and wait for his own results. And eternity in a few days or weeks. Kyle didn’t even know how long test results took. And then, depending on what they said, it could mean a definition of what they were that Kyle hadn’t wanted to put on things. Because he knew that if he was sick, ‘friends’ would be all that was on the cards. He wouldn’t cling to something with a guy that he wasn’t even sure did relationships in the first place when said guy could have a chance at whatever he wanted with someone else. And if Leandro was the one who was sick, well then Kyle would have to think more on that and how he felt. He couldn’t answer that right now. Friends, at least, was somewhere to be where neither of them would be trapped by some kind of guilt and obligation. He just hoped Leandro would accept that and he waited, watching for an answer.
Leandro looked back at Kyle, unsure of what he was mulling over or what he was searching in him for. He didn't know what to supply either. His hands were still firm on the other man, reluctant to let go, maybe anticipating that he would be asked to.
When Kyle finally spoke, when that clarity came to his voice, Leandro just bowed his chin. It wasn't what he wanted to hear somehow. He wasn't sure what he did want to hear, but he could not deny the very real, very heavy sag in his heart. He cursed himself for ever imagining anything else and for being so reluctant to tuck Kyle away into that place he put things that had come to pass away. Like all things, he was saying, this too would be over.
"For good?" he finally asked, barely audibly. When he brought his eyes back they were questioning too, but in a much different way. He wondered if Kyle would give him the acknowledgment that, for at least a minute, this had been something rare and wonderful. Sparks did not last long, but when they jumped they were a sight to behold, and that's what it had felt like between them the day in the activity room as they eagerly rooted through one another's thoughts.
But he had been told something that might as well have been a command, so slowly he let his hands drop off of Kyle. He wanted to prove one last time that if Kyle drew a hard line on a boundary, he wouldn't violate it. He would leave Kyle as safe and sound as he had found him, and go back to his own place in the world.
Kyle let Leandro withdraw and then he purposefully reached out to take his hand again. “Don’t get me wrong,” he said, slowly and determinedly. “I really like you. But... If the worst happens, for either of us, I think that friends would be best. No commitments. No promises. No ‘but you said’. Friends will let us both figure things out the way we need to. And we can still be there to support each other.” There was clear regret in his tone. He didn’t like saying any of this. But it seemed the sensible thing to do. The mature thing to do. It was his way of making up for the fact that he had carelessly put Leandro at risk.
Leandro smiled wanly, looking down at the hand in his. He turned it over, cradling it, smoothing over its curves just as he had done the day before. Though he had so much trouble vocalizing what he meant at times, it would have been hard to miss the true seed of affection there that had just started to dig in. He had a way of going startlingly soft in these moments, his touch featherlight over every line like water following its way down.
"You're right," he said. "I know you're right. I told myself the same thing just last night. I wouldn't want to hurt you either. Doesn't mean it isn't a damn shame, though. We were just getting started. Who knows...?"
Both of his hands folded in on Kyle's then, holding it up to his chest. He bent his head towards him. His eyes slowly sunk closed. He wanted to kiss him one more time, soft and close-lipped, just to have it; if either of them turned up sick, it would be the last time they ever kissed like that. He wanted one more to remember. One more to tell him what it had in it that he was putting aside from then on.
Kyle leaned in, pressing his forehead to Leandro’s for a moment before kissing him softly, letting that linger for a moment. He didn’t want to particularly pull away either, and when he spoke, it was from such a distance that his lips still brushed against the other man’s, that his skin was still pressed against his. “Maybe it’ll be nothing. Maybe it’ll turn out alright. You never know.”
That was sweet, the way Kyle tried to inject a little optimism into it. It was a dire situation, and they each stood to lose a lot not only together but separately. Somehow, it seemed more profound than many other things Leandro had gone through in prison. This wasn't about the past. It was about what happened next, a place Leandro rarely dared to go. His own lips just barely moved with unrest as Kyle's ghosted over them, the click in his breath strong. He tried to smile, but his face wouldn't cooperate.
"Maybe so. I guess we'll see. So if we're going to try to stay strong about it, let me tell you this: if we do have the opportunity not to be friends, as soon as we know for sure, you're going to spend the whole night with me and it's going to be everything. Got it? Look forward to it."
Kyle closed his eyes for a moment, bringing his other hand to lace around where Leandro had joined there and pulled them both back down to lie down enough that he could lie flush against him. “God, baby - okay...” he said, marshalling his thoughts. “If this comes to nothing, god yes, I’ll spend the night with you. Gladly. Try and keep me away. But... Let’s have that talk then, okay? I mean... I want it. I want us. I want... I just... Right now. Please don’t ask me to make any promises. Okay? I don’t... I half feel like I would promise you the world, but at the same time, it would be a bargain, if you could get me out of this. And I don’t want that. I want - I want it to be about you and me. Please - don’t ask me for promises right now.”
Most of Leandro was silent except for his breath as he let Kyle take him back down to the bed and listened to him talk. Leandro had a way as well of not answering until Kyle had finished saying everything he had to say, rarely being one to interrupt. Their original intent on having come to his room in the first place had been to relax, and now they both sorely needed it. It was easy just to lie there with his cheek against Kyle's forehead and think about nothing anymore. But once again Kyle was asking him for something and he shored up the energy to agree. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. I won't make you promise anything. I won't promise you anything else either, in case that makes you feel all wrong. I'm sorry I can't make this stop. All I know how to do is to just... move on from it. Keep moving forward. That means we have to get you down to the doctor eventually. We can rest for a while, but we shouldn't hold out too long. Then we'll have our answer sooner."
Kyle swallowed, and couldn’t stop himself from pressing a kiss to Leandro’s cheek. “I’ll get that done,” he promised. “I know - I know you said you’d come with me, but - I think this is something I need to do by myself.” He hoped Leandro could understand that. “Start as I might have to go on. God. Yeah - I need to do this by myself.”
Leandro turned his head to just look at Kyle for a moment. He wanted to know that he was sure. After a moment, he nodded slightly. "Okay. If you say so. But you can stay here until you're ready, if you want to." He smiled softly at the kiss on his cheek, shaking his head as if to use the pillow to brush it in.
"I want to," Kyle whispered against Leandro's cheek. God, how he wanted. To move from here meant admitting to reality. There was no getting away from it, of course, but that was different to embracing it.
"Mmh..." Leandro murmured back at Kyle, in a wordless resignation just to lay there a while longer. He thought he might have had his head together a little more clearly than Kyle right then, so he would take it upon himself to watch the clock and not let him lie there too long. But for now, just letting him regain some strength was fine. Any damage from being too close after resolving to be friends until their answer came was certainly already done. This couldn't be any worse.