follow up
Characters: Adam and Wren Setting: Block B, farms, mid-morning
Adam hadn’t even bothered to lay down again, despite the urge to crawl back into bed after Becka left. Sleep wasn’t happening. Not after that conversation, after the feeling like he’d said all the wrong things and hadn’t made her feel better after dealing with what happened this morning. Which meant he was jumping in the shower to try and rinse away the rest of his sleep and checking his blood sugar once he got out of it. No wonder he felt like shit, it was high. Grabbing a spare water bottle he’d hoarded, he adjusted for the sugar and dressed, locking the door behind him as he headed towards Wren’s room.
When no one answered the door he fought the urge to panic. Peeking in the window showed her things weren’t in there and he looked at the courtyard, not seeing her there either. He wasn’t quite moving that fast, but as quickly as he could towards the other block, taking the elevator down and back up again. He hadn’t even been here yet, which was weird, but it had been a long few days. Thankfully though, once he left the room the elevator opened into, he spotted her. At least she was here and not in the mix of death. Letting out a sigh he started towards her, navigating the plots of the farm to get closer to her.
Wren had put her things in her new room, carefully getting it all together, even if there wasn't much to do. She kept looking at her cards, itching to draw one for people she cared about, but in the end she knew she shouldn't. She should give them away, like she had her runes.
Kyle would like them. Perhaps she should give them to him. It was just difficult to picture her life without them, that was her only hesitation. In the end, she couldn't sit in there staring at the walls, so she went out to work on the farm plots, since that was to be her new lot in life. It was an easy thing to fall into, quiet.
When she saw someone approaching, she looked up to see Adam. "Is Becka alright?" she asked. She certainly had not looked it when she'd left.
Adam made a bit of a noise with the breath he let out, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know. Maybe? She got pretty insistent that she was okay then the conversation went way out into left field and I think she was better when she left, but I honestly can’t tell you. I think she and I officially have issues.” He rubbed his hands over his head, looking at her. “What about you? Are you okay?”
Frowning, Wren didn't like hearing that. "I'm sorry." she told him, genuinely. She bit her tongue on her automatic offer to help, reminding herself yet again that she didn't do that anymore. "What was 'out into left field'?" she asked. "As for myself...it's quieter here."
“She started asking me about what I wanted from her. From...us. We, um, made out the other day.” He shrugged a little then tucked his hands into his pockets. “I don’t have an answer and I don’t think she was okay with that. I think we’ll be okay, but it might take some time getting there.” He looked around them then nodded. “Much quieter. How can I help?”
Matters of the heart Wren wasn't as familiar with. That itch to consult her cards hit again, because normally, that would have been how she related. It felt like a piece of her was missing, and the broken pieces were left to try and navigate this conversation. She felt more than ill equipped. "What answer does she want? What does she want from you?" She realized she had skipped his last question, but she didn’t know the answer to that.
“I’m not sure. She said some stuff about wanting things to not be just physical, to be excited about the potential relationship I guess. But at the same time, I’m not sure that was exactly she wanted. She held off on telling me because she didn’t want to affect my answer.” He wasn’t any better at matters of the heart either, but Wren asked, so he was telling her.
Wren considered that, taking a few long moments to concentrate on her work, though her mind was on his statement. "Why would it affect your answer?" she asked first. "You're your own person. You should have your own thoughts and feelings, does she not trust you do?" she asked, wondering if that was an issue. "Beyond that...if you don't know what she wants, you can't provide it for her. You aren't..." Wren sighed. "Psychic."
He watched her work, wondering if he could do something to help or if he’d run the risk of killing what plants they had. “I guess she’s worried I’ll just say I want the same thing. She said she thought I was humoring her.” Which had sucked, though she’d said too much else at the time to get hung up on it. “That’s what I was thinking. Not a mind reader. I told her that.”
"If she believes that, then that's not good. It's a terrible feeling, being humored." Wren said, knowing exactly how that felt. She'd even told Adam that she felt like Chester had been humoring her. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. "Why does she feel that way? And what did she say to that?"
He remembered what Wren had said when she pointed out how terrible it felt and Adam stared at the ground for a moment. “I think she was thinking I was only going along with things because she wanted to. I wanted to, I told her that, that I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to, but I’m not sure how I can correct that from humoring.” He glanced back at Wren and shrugged again. The whole thing had left him so confused he wasn’t sure what else to do other than shrug. “That she didn’t want me to guess, she wanted me to just tell her what I wanted. Except I’m pretty sure there was still a wrong answer in there somewhere.” That was how it had felt, and not knowing hadn’t been the right answer either.
Her cards would be able to clear this up so much faster. She'd have him shuffle, she'd lay things out, and she would be able to direct him. But it's stupid, and probably not even real, and it isn't your role anymore, so stop it. Fighting her natural instincts was difficult. She grit her teeth, closed her eyes, and refocused. "Perhaps you should write her. Or write yourself. Write down what it is you do want. Maybe just in general, maybe in relation to her." she said, laying out a few options, before she bit her tongue. Now she was just handing out advice that wasn't even directed by her cards, that had to be worse, right?
Adam saw that look, the way her expression changed for a moment and while her advice wasn’t bad he wasn’t sure what to make of what was going on with Wren. “What was that? You just...you look like you’re trying not to say something.” He kept his eyes on her, not wavering. “Though I might. It might help. Might at least help me figure out what I want.”
Wren looked up at him and looked truly miserable for a moment. "Normally, I would do a reading for you." she told him. "But I'm not doing that anymore. But it's what I've been doing since I was six years old, and it is far more difficult to get past that instinct than I imagined." she admitted.
That look almost killed Adam. “What if I want one? If I’m asking you to do one. You promised on the journals a while ago you’d do one for me, or show me at least.” He hated her fighting what was instinct and he hated her not believing in something she’d believed in for so long.
"That was before I found out how untrustworthy my opinion is." Wren told him, looking back at the ground. "It was also before I did what I thought was right, and a woman is now dead." she said, not outright saying that she blamed herself, but the implication was clear. "You don't want a reading from me, Adam. You don't want anything from me."
Adam was going to just directly counter her comment, but then she said something that caught his attention. “Dead...You think Caroline dying was your fault? Wren, you didn’t have anything to do with that. Not a damn thing.”
"I was the one who put her in the stocks. I talked her out of her room." Wren said, not looking at Adam. "I fail to see how things as they stand could find me innocent. If she'd been allowed to stay in her room, perhaps today would have started very differently."
“Wren, you didn’t help her climb that wall. You aren’t the reason she fell.” Adam tried for stern, even if it wasn’t a tone he took on often. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for that.”
Wren said nothing to it, recognizing his tone. She continued what she was doing instead, not sure what to think. She just knew it felt like a huge sign to her. A sign that Leandro and Chester were right. That she never should have got involved, that she was wrong.
That had Adam’s shoulders sinking as he moved to be closer to her. “You don’t believe me do you?” he asked.
"It's not a matter of belief." Wren told him honestly, voice quiet. "It's a matter of what it feels like. And you can't change what it feels like." She couldn't even rely on saying she thought she was right, since she'd decided her own views were skewed at best. What that left her with was her emotions, as battered as they were.
Adam wasn’t sure what to say for a long moment, understanding where she was coming from. Feelings weren’t always easily explained away. “What about...what about an outside opinion? Remember when I broke the mirror and you said that I was essentially breaking myself? It didn’t feel like that. It felt like I was just hitting something, that I was mad, that it was an easy way to lash out. But you were right. I did it because it was making me nuts, just seeing me was too much. I wouldn’t have thought of that if you hadn’t pointed it out.” He let out a breath, then carried on. “So..this is the same for you. You didn’t push her, you didn’t give her a reason to climb and I know you, I know you well enough Wren to know that if you had seen her doing it you would have talked her down long before she fell. You aren’t responsible. She made the choice to climb. They weren’t going to punish her again, there wasn’t any backlash from her being in the stocks. You did nothing wrong. You kept her from getting hurt yesterday by coming up with a safe way for her to do what they asked of her. You didn’t let anyone touch her or hurt her. She made the choice. What you did had nothing to do with it.”
He made sense to her, but it didn't ease that guilt in her gut. She almost wished it did, just so she could make him feel better, but it didn't. She looked up at him again, and said nothing for a long moment. "I really appreciate you trying." she told him, with a very heartfelt expression and tone. She meant it. She very much did. "I appreciate you talking to me, and allowing me to stay with you last night. I appreciate you listening."
When she didn’t respond to what he said, Adam wasn’t sure he was helping, wasn’t sure it was going to ease what she was feeling or that he could. He knew that feeling too, the moment she’d told him he’d broken himself he’d lashed out at her with words, and later, when he realized she was right, he’d felt worse. “Just, try and remember okay?” he asked, even though she’d moved on to something else. “Any time. I like talking to you, despite the whole yelling and swearing thing from last time. And you can stay whenever you want. Just let me know. Or I can come over here if you don’t want to be alone or you don’t feel safe.”
She nodded. "I will remember." she promised. That part was easy. She could definitely keep it in mind, even if she didn't believe it herself. It was nice to know someone didn't blame her, and nice to know someone didn't want her to blame herself. It actually helped some just on that level, even if it was abstract. "I appreciate it." she told him at his offers. "My plan is to just work on the farm, bring the goods to the kitchen when they're ready, and..." she trailed off, since that was her entire plan. It was less a plan and more a single focus, really.
“And hang out with Adam,” he finished for her, giving her an expectant look, humor in his eyes as if he was daring her to change her mind, to say otherwise.
Adam actually earned a smile at that. "And hang out with Adam." she repeated. She wasn't sure how often it would be, though he had already showed up to check on her. So, he was clearly concerned. He was sweet to her and had been there when she desperately needed someone, so she was absolutely not going to turn that away.
Her smile was echoed with one of his own and nod that went with it. “Good. Because this girl, really like her, she gave me this bag of runes and I was kind of hoping you could at least explain them to me. Plus we have an art project to work on and I will try to not kill everything in this farm if you need help. No promises though.” His tone was jovial, a little bit of teasing behind it, but positive, making a list of things for her to focus on.
She smiled at that too. "It'd be hard to kill everything here. If you really want to help I can show you, it isn't all that hard. And maybe sometime I can explain the runes to you." she said. She didn't know if it would be soon, she wasn't sure she could handle it. Like she kept wanting to go back to her cards, but she wasn't allowing herself to. Because it wasn't right, and she wasn't right, and she needed to stop with that. But if he wanted them explained, she could do that, right?
“Oh... you haven’t seen me try. I could do it given the proper...okay motivation doesn’t quite work there.” He smiled more, liking that she said ‘sometime’. It didn’t have to be today. It was actually better if it was in the future because it meant she expected a future. “I’m going to hold you to that. Because if Mazie’s yelling at her computer in the middle of the night is any indicator, she hasn’t figured out how to get back to Google or Wikipedia or something yet, so I’m going to need an expert to explain them to me.” He smiled for a moment longer before his expression shifted to something more serious. “You’re gonna be okay Wren. We’ll figure this out.”
Wren watched his eyes for a long moment, wishing she believed that. She really wanted to. He sounded confident. Maybe he knew things she didn't. But what she did believe was that he was going to try and help her. That he was going to try to be there to figure things out. Instead of actually answering, she got up, and gave him a hug. It was a little awkward, because she wasn't used to that sort of thing. But it seemed like the best way to express herself.
He wasn’t any better at the hugging part of things, if the awkward one he’d given Kyle the night before was any indicator. And the flinch that was there, that was all too obvious. Adam did manage to get his arms around her though, even if it took a second, hugging her back with a surety he wanted to feel, not the nagging insecurity that was lingering in the back of his mind.
Well, the flinch was impossible to miss, and Wren stepped back, looking down. "I apologize." she told him. "I did not mean to make you uncomfortable." She hesitated, unsure of herself and it was really not that familiar a feeling for her. She was usually sure. Secure in her knowledge that she was on the level, but that was gone. "It seemed a better way to express myself than with words. I will remember to use words next time." she promised.
That sent Adam’s heart sinking to his feet. Finally he’d felt like he got through to her and there she was, looking an awful lot like he guessed he looked. “No...it’s not you. That’s...that’s me.” He let out a hefty sigh and ran both hands over his head. “Prison...wasn’t fun. I’m guessing things weren’t easy for you either.” He’d seen the scars on her arms and the way she talked about the comune, the way she seemed before these moments, didn’t align with that. “I’m still getting used to being normal. That’s...that’s a perfect way to explain yourself. I actually completely and like a hundred percent got it when you did that. I’m just weird. It doesn’t really bother me, I just can’t help that.”
Wren nodded, understanding. "I will still be more sensitive to your needs." she told him, still viewing it as a transgression on her part. "Things weren't easy for me, no. I don't really think they were for anyone." she said with a little sigh, looking away. She was glad Chester had been spared it, even if it did mean he had a huge gap in his understanding of things. "I don't think you're weird."
“I probably need to stop being afraid of it. To remember that it’s not all screwed up.” Adam didn’t want her to think she did anything wrong, not when he felt the guilt fell solely on his shoulders. “You’d be one of the few who don’t.” His eyes fell to her arms, reaching out to touch one forearm lightly. “I almost wish I had the scars so I wouldn’t have to explain, but between being drug to the nurse everyday for my diabetes and people were really good at not leaving more than bruises, I don’t have any.”
Wren thought her own personal definition of 'screwed up' didn't match up to anyone else's. Just like her definition of 'normal' apparently fell into the category of 'abuse' for other people. So... she didn't comment on that. "Who thinks you're weird?" she asked.
His eyes ticked back up to hers, making a small face. No one had ever really asked which left Adam struggling for an answer. “Here? Leandro probably. He is very much on the ‘Adam has issues’ side of things and he thinks I don’t have a sense of humor. And I’m starting to think not liking his sense of humor makes me weird.” Who else was there? Mazie didn’t think so he guessed, though he’d woken her up screaming. Kyle...well sometimes Adam had a hard time deciding how Kyle felt about him in general. “People I knew before...I don’t know. I guess I’ve always felt weird. Different. I have diabetes, my parents died when I was a kid, I wasn’t really athletic or cool or anything. Weird sort of fit.”
Wren looked at him for a long moment. "My mother gave me to a cult leader, and I was raised to believe I was a prophet, and then everyone drank poisoned wine and died." she told him. "I think you are far more normal than you think." she told him, hoping that it did put things in a different light for him.
Adam’s eyes got a little wider at her comment, then squinted at her. That was a lot to take in in one big block there. “Okay, you probably have me beat on that one,” he finally said, finding a little laugh to go with it because he wasn’t sure what else to do besides laugh. “Lucky for you, I think weird should stick together.”
"Maybe." she agreed. Though one thing itched at the back of her head, and she spoke before she could stop herself. "And Adam, people have health problems. That's not weird. And not everyone is athletic, I am not. I would say most people here aren't. That doesn't make you weird either. As for... 'cool', does it matter?" she posed. "It doesn't. Whether or not you were out there doesn't make that who you are in here, and in here, you're someone who showed up very late at night to check on someone who really barged in and bothered you before when you were having a hard time. And you helped her out, and you've been a very good person today, and you're doing your best. And that's all anyone can ask, and none of that makes you 'weird'. Don't think of yourself like that. You aren't. It’s not fair to you."
“It’s not a problem,” Adam said defensively before he could stop himself. He’d always tried to fight that, but that wasn’t what Wren meant. Forcing himself to slow down he took a deep breath and let what she said sink in. “I’ve been trying to change. Or...I want to. And I wanted to help you. I’m trying not to think that way, but I’ve been thinking that way for a long time. All that stuff used to matter, and then I got a away from it for a bit, which was great until everything spiraled out of control.” He managed part of a smile, ducking his head a little so his eyes were more level with hers. “As for you, sure you had kind of a bizarre life, but I’m pretty sure there’s others out there with a similar background. And since you’ve been here, you’ve calmed a crowd of people who were hell bent on being upset and you continued to talk to a guy who needed help but said some pretty nasty things to you without knowing you. I think you’re doing a pretty good job too.”
"I didn't calm things down. I made things worse. Ask Chester. Ask Leandro. Ask Caroline." Wren told him. But she sighed. "Just...remember you aren't actually weird. And if you have things you're sensitive to, tell people you care about, because it will help them not trod on those sensitivities."
“I don’t want to ask them. I’m telling you. I stood out there, watched people pick sides, make choices for people, get upset with one another and then you showed up and just did something. No one else was going to. And even if you didn’t do it for the reason to ease things? Sending everyone out of the courtyard was the best decision anyone could have made. You helped Wren. If they can’t see that, then they’re blind.” Adam watched her, wanting her to believe him, to understand how he saw it and how different it was from Leandro and Charlie. “You should do the same.”
I'm not going to need to tell anyone things, I'm not going to be talking to people. Wren thought to herself, but didn't say. Because she understood his sentiment, and she could agree there. So, in the end, she nodded, to show that she accepted it. "Alright."
“Is there anything I should know about, since we’re here?” Adam asked, deciding that they could do this now, might as well. “For me. I get jumpy, I don’t like games and the whole pretending to be something you aren’t stuff, and I have nightmares so I don’t sleep.” That seemed like a good start for him and he looked at her, waiting to see if she had anything.
"I'm not any good at pretending." Wren told him, so he would know she wasn't going to be attempting that with him. "It doesn't occur to me to do so." Which was also true. "I have a condition where sometimes, I sleep walk, following along with my dreams." she admitted.
“That’s actually really refreshing,” Adam said with a nod. “I don’t think I’m creative enough for it. And I wouldn’t want to.” He made a little face at what she said. “That’s different. What’s it like?”
"I don't really know. To me, I'm dreaming, and when I was in prison, sometimes I would wake up with a lot of bruises." she explained. Before then, sometimes Chester would wake her up gently. He kept an eye on that for her, when Brian hadn't been in her home.
“Probably from bumping into things or whatever right?” Adam found that interesting and a whole hell of a lot better than his night terrors. “Has it happened since you’ve been here?”
Wren shook her head. "I don't think so." she said. "I never know when it might. It's never had a pattern." None that she could discern, and while some of the people at the prison had attempted to figure it out, no one had. She knew it had caused issues when she'd been in recovery. That hadn't been pretty.
Adam nodded, taking in the information. “Well I don’t think it happened last night. At least as far as I noticed. Despite it not being long, I think I actually slept decently last night.”
"It's usually noticeable." Wren told him. It wasn't exactly subtle, as far as she understood. "I'm sorry about your nightmares. Though not sleeping, that generally doesn't help with being jumpy." she added. "I don't know how you would help it, however." she added, since she didn't have a useful solution for him.
“No, it’s more of a vicious cycle thing that spins in circles and occasionally I just pass out from exhaustion.” Adam shrugged a little, not really full of answers either. “Though the nightmares don’t make me any less jumpy. Cal had an idea for a sleep study? But we haven’t really sorted that part out yet. It might not help but it might give him a direction to go with.”
"I hope it works." Wren told him genuinely. She gave him a tentative smile. "I guess neither one of us is good to have around at night." she said. Though they'd both managed to not fall victim to their sleep disorders last night, which was good. She couldn't take the extra guilt that would have piled on.
Adam nodded a little then looked at her, echoing the smile even if his was a little brighter. “Maybe. Or maybe we’re the only two that would understand each other well enough to not be bothered by the other.”
She smiled at that too. "Maybe." she said. "Or maybe you'll get better, and then won't have to worry about that. Which is what I shall hope for." she told him with a firm nod. She knew her condition didn't get better, it was something unfixable. But his could be worked on.
“You and me both,” Adam said with a nod, even if he wasn’t entirely sure the nightmares would go away. There was still a lot of blank spaces in his mind that they were trying to fill. He couldn’t help but smile at her again before clapping his hands together. “Alright show me what I can do to help that isn’t killing plants. You’ve got me until lunch or we get rained on.”
Wren laughed a little, then turned back to the plot in front of her. Then she held out the trowl she was holding towards him. "You'll get dirty." she told him. "But let's start right here." she motioned, then got back down to start showing him the basics of plant care. It was good to take her mind off of things, that was for certain.