Wearing thin
Characters: Cal and Carmel Setting: Afternoon, Clinic
Carmel was exhausted, but she knew after building the shade for Ryan and Caroline that she wasn't going to get to sleep any time soon. So she decided to do what Becka recommended after she went to splash her face with water again and put on a little more make-up to hide the tiredness.
She decided to try the infirmary first, thinking the walk would probably do her some good. She stifled a yawn in the elevator and then continued into the infirmary, knocking politely on the door to see if he was there, or if she should have started with his room in the first place.
Cal was definitely in, lips pursed around a pen as he chewed the end in concentration and poured over a sheet of paper on his desk for whaat felt like the tenth time in the short span since Kasper, Brady, and Reece had left the clinic. Logically, Cal knew he was expecting answers too quickly, that there was no magic fix that would fall in his lap to help Kasper. But here and now? He wanted one, if only for the safety of everyone here.
Still, that state of mind made the knock on the clinic door more than welcome as a distraction, and Cal was quick to drop his pen. "One sec!" he called through the closed door, moving to pop it wide quickly as he readied his usual warm grin and found himself aiming it at Carmel. "Miss Carmel," he greeted, eyebrows raising uncertainly, "Everything okay? Can't say I expected to see you down here so soon."
Carmel gave him a smile that came close to her normal, though not quite there. "Hey Cal," she said, pushing her hair back with one hand. "Yeah, I don't normally, but I've got this killer headache," and that screaming she'd heard earlier hadn't helped, she had gone out the door just as the fight was ending, so she hadn't been able to help, "and I was hoping I might get some ibuprofen or something. Maybe some to take back to my room to last me a few days?" she said hopefully. She really didn't want to admit that she was half dead on her feet, he already knew she had trouble sleeping.
It was hard to miss the signs Carmel was showing even if she kept the distress from her voice. The smile was diminished a touch, her posture spoke of weariness, and if Cal trusted his instincts? There was something strained in her eyes, something that traveled all the way to the hand Carmel ran through her hair. " 'Course you can, c'mon in," he answered reassuringly, stepping back to make room for Carmel and gesturing to one of the desk chairs. "Seems like a shaky day for all of us, you know? Those messages, the business in the courtyard, hell there was a scrap not too long ago," he shared, deciding not to get specific with it even if it seemed likely that everyone upstairs would know. "What kind of headache we talkin' about? Pretty standard, or are you totin' around some extra conditions? Any extra sensitivity to light or your sense of smell? Where's the pressure seem focused at?"
Carmel followed him back inside, grateful that he was going to give her something. Though he'd always been nice so far, the way things were going these last few days she was taking nothing for granted, including her ability to get something for her headache. "Shaky couple of days, honestly. I was there when they took Dominic the other day," she admitted. It had truly upset her, and she was still trying to process it. "And then the alarm this morning, and all of that... Yeah, I heard the screaming from my room, but they had it dealt with before I got out there." Though she would have had no problem diving in to help, if she'd been needed.
"Let's go with 'my head is a giant throbbing thing on top of my neck,'" she said somewhat dryly. "So somewhat all over, like a vice around my brain.I didn't get much sleep last night, and the alarm woke me up just shortly after I finally got some sleep."
"Gonna guess there's still no real word 'bout why he got grabbed?" Cal asked with a slight frown, hating that possibility hanging over any of their heads. This place was a real chance for change, something to hope for with a group of people who didn't have anything like that. To have it yanked away was just... he couldn't even imagine, but wasn't sure he could withstand it. Still, he noticed the ripples that even talking about it caused in Carmel, leaving Cal somewhat mindful of her headache itself.
"Yeah, sounds like a sleep-deprivation ache, maybe a stress headache too. Used to get 'em all the time when I was younger, so you've got my sympathy there," he offered, moving to shut the door of the clinic. "You been getting much on any night?" Cal asked as he watched her. "A regular sleep cycle's pretty vital, without it your body's got a few tricks to hit you with, case in point. If not, and I know you passed last time, but I've got a few pretty mild sleep aids in the supply room and a good memory of what I learned in nutritional classes; I think I could do up a list of foods that'd help."
"Lots of speculation, no proof of anything," she said, shrugging one shoulder up. "I don't think he did anything wrong, personally, no matter what everyone else might say. I talked to him a fair amount, he wasn't looking to cause any trouble." Only thing she thought he would have over, was Meg, and his only problems seemed to be with Meg lately.
She shrugged again. She figured she should be honest with him on this, since he was a doctor, but that didn't mean it would be easy. "Not really, to be honest. A few hours here and a few hours there. Afraid I'll wake up screamin'." Plus it was hard to fall asleep sometimes, hard to shut her mind up even if it wasn't thinking about important things. And she just missed having somewhere there as she fell asleep, she'd admit it to herself if no one else. Might not like them being there when she woke up--that scared her sometimes--but going to sleep was a different story. She sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I guess I can take something for a night or two. I hate the feeling they give me, but I can try something to see if it'll get me back in a routine, I suppose."
Cal had a sympathetic smile for her as she touched on her own difficulties, nodding slightly and moving to the supply box he always had ready to go. Popping it open, Cal rummaged around for a small pill bottle, shaking it once before tossing it to Carmel. "If we're bein' honest, it sounds to me like there's deeper issues throwing off your sleep patterns. Now I'm sure you've already admitted that to yourself," he disclaimed gently, "But I wouldn't be doin' right by how I was raised if I didn't try to help there. What you've been through, it stays with a person even after they think they resolved it, there's studies that show equal levels of trauma and stress between rape survivors and soldiers who see combat. Despite how different those experiences are, it makes sense at a fundamental level; something happened to you that tore out some of the foundations that our world operated on."
He was quiet for a long moment, lips pursed in consideration as Cal tried to think of what might genuinely help her in this. Medication was a temporary fix, and advice was probably less. Maybe a bit of each? "What's important here is to recognize that, to be able to admit it to people who'd want to help and to accept that, even when you know it won't make anything better in the immediate moment," he advised, "And maybe this isn't the best place to try starting that habit, but if there's people here you fel okay with, that you can talk to or that can confide in you? Well... trying won't make you sleep less than you already are, I'm bettin'." Cal tried for a bolstering grin, moving to linger by the door to the supply room with a little nod to Carmel. "Get yourself some water, those are soluble tablets so they oughta work their magic a touch faster than a normal pill. I'm gonna track down somethin' for the night time, won't take but two seconds."
Carmel managed to catch the bottle against her chest, glad she still had some of her reactions up to snuff, or nearly. "There is. I've had trouble ever since the rape," she said. She listened to him and nodded, agreeing with what he said. "It is, a bit, and dreams is where it hits me, rather than in the day to day. It's just gotten worse again, with all the upheaval and change. Last six months, I finally had a cell mate I got along with, and we sort of worked things out so I didn't disturb her as much, and I watched out for her. Not that I'm complaining about coming here," she added, "it's nice here, but it's so uncertain at times." And Carmel worked hard to make stability for herself and others, always had. Moreso now than in the past.
Her lips twitched faintly. "I'm pretty upfront about what happened to most people," she told him honestly. "I see no point in hiding it." The easiest person to talk about it with had, unfortunately, been Dominic, who wasn't here now. "It's unfortunate, since Dominic was the one I'd talked to the most," and possibly the only one, so far, she would have considered admitting to weakness in not sleeping hardy at all to. Carmel fetched a little water and swallowed a couple of pills while he was fetching whatever he was going to get. Cal had some good ideas, she just wished she knew someone here she could trust like she'd slowly trusted her last cell mate.
Returning from the supply room, Cal still seemed caught up in consideration of everything she was sharing with him, nodding slightly as he moved over and offered a small pill bottle that rattled faintly. "Now there's a difference between being able to talk about what happened, and being able to talk about how it affected you," he pointed out gently, "And if I had to guess, I'd say that that difference is why you have the sleeplessness and the dreams when you do manage some shut-eye." It was a bold assumption to make, at least to a relative stranger who wasn't even coming to him as a psychiatrist, but Cal wasn't going to let that stop him.
"I think it's worth asking yourself how different your responses would be on those terms, being able to really voice just what this did to your life. I'm not saying it'd fix everything, but... closure is more than seeing something through to its' end, Carmel, y'know? In something like your assault, when it disrupts your career and relationships with friends and family, getting even doesn't mean getting better," Cal ventured. "Unfortunately, it's not something you can force. Like you're sayin', the uncertainty of this place and the newness of everyone here with you makes it harder to do, but if there's someone you feel like you can try with? Try," he stressed hopefully, "Let yourself grieve for what was taken away, if you haven't yet. Remember that even if you don't know someone inside-out, they may still want to listen. I know I will, if you ever want to talk. Hell, sometimes total strangers throw you for a loop with how much depth of feelin' they can offer."
Carmel leaned against the wall as she waited for him to come back. It wasn't long, and she gave him another weary smile when he returned. Cal had a point, she was willing to admit, but how it affected her was something she didn't always like talking about. Well, if it would help someone else, but it wasn't always easy if it was just for her. Especially since Franklin had ended things. She'd trusted him with everything, and then that had ended, and her confidante hadn't quite been her complete confidante anymore. "You could be right," sheconceded. "I've not done too much of that since my ex and I broke off the engagement."
She sighed softly. "No, getting even doesn't mean making things better. I think I knew that before I even did it," she admitted softly. "But I still kind of hoped, in a way, but I knew." He'd deserved it, and she still wasn't really sorry about what she'd done. Even if it hadn't quite helped. "I'll try to find someone, though with everything still new, I don't know that I'll find someone right away." She nodded at his offer; she might take him up on it, she wasn't sure yet. "Grieving is harder than it sounds, when your entire world ended up gone. It's easy enough to tell what happened to strangers, but it's harder to tell anyone how it affected everything."
"You gotta start small," Cal advised, realizing that even figuring out where to begin must've been daunting. "Don't focus on how to explain everything, not right away. Pick an aspect and just take a shot at it with someone who maybe could understand? It's... it's going to be about trying, failing, and trying again. That's no easy task, not when you know how it's gonna go those first few times." He sighed quietly, commiserating with Carmel's plight even if Cal knew he couldn't understand how deep it ran. "Maybe start with what's plaguing you here and now; either the dreams or how little sleep you get because of them. I know that folks in here aren't gonna get it exactly, but I don't think it's a long shot to assume one of us is sufferin' on a similar level. Tryin' to forget, to just let themselves rest for one night..." Cal trailed with a sympathetic smile. "And if it doesn't work, or if it does? Whatever I can do, I will. We're all in this together, and you strike me as the sort who's gonna try holdin' others up. So if I can do the same? Count me in."
This conversation made her wish again that Dominic was still here. She was going to have to put that out of her mind, come to an acceptance with it. It wasn't like she'd known him for long. She would deal with it, it just seemed a bit bigger than it should right now, she told herself. Put everything in a better frame of reference, though it was hard when she was this weary. "Yeah. It's not easy. And I don't want to be seen as weak," she admitted after a moment. It was dangerous, in a place even like this one, where most people seemed to be trying to get along. "I don't want to wake people up with screaming or nightmares, I don't want to be targeted by anyone because I have problems. It took a lot of work to find a cell mate who would help and not make things worse before I got here." It was a legitimate fear of sorts, and though she was a generally trusting person, she hadlearned to be wary. "I'm gonna try, you're right. I like helping other people."
Cal grinned widely at that last bit, nodding in encouragement. "That's the ticket right there, girl. You gotta let folks help you if you're gonna keep helpin' them, otherwise you're gonna wear yourself thinner than secondhand shoes," he agreed, "And there's enough of us here who're just trying to get a fair shot that anyone who targets you is gonna have a whole string of problems to sort through. F'real, that fight today? Sounded like it went all of five seconds before four people jumped in and got it sorted properly. And not just broken up, but like dragged 'em down here so I could patch 'em up, at least one of 'em." For all of Kasper's instability, it had been good to see the group respond to a threat so effectively, and to even see Kasper herself realize how wrong-headed she'd been. "Keep me in the loop on it, cool? Like, if you try and things go sour or if they pan out first try? Lemme know, I feel like I've got somethin' invested with a lot of us in here, and that count includes you."
Carmel grinned, unable to help herself with him grinning at her like that. "I'll try. That's all I can promise, Cal," she said honestly. "I'll try to reach out more for myself." To who, she really didn't know. She'd keep her eyes open, though, for opportunities. She wouldn't disregard his advice, she would just have to work on it, work on reaching out for herself as well as for others. Though for now, a little sleep with the pills would be more than welcome. Tonight, though. No sleeping in the middle of the day for her. "Yeah, I would have stepped in the middle of that if I'd been out there, but I'd stepped inside to freshen up." She nodded. "Yeah, I'll keep you in the loop, thanks, Cal," she told him.
"Sounds like a plan," Cal agreed easily, glad to feel like he could help even when he knew it was a small step. Still, a small step in the right direction was a victory he could deal with. "And no thanks needed, for real. I'd say that the amount of home cookin' I've had this week alone gives you a solid month's worth of visits, no matter what the issue is. And if you try those out to catch some sleep," he went on with a nod to the pills he'd handed over, "Let me know if there's any quirks you can't stand. I've got a few other things in back that might work, we'll find one that's right." All they needed was time, and in here? They were sure to have plenty of it. "Feel better, Carmel. I really hope you do," he added warmly.
She smiled more easily at the mention of cooking. "Well, if there's anything in particular I can make you, you be sure to let me know, you hear?" she told him, pushing away from the wall she'd been leaning against, shaking the bottle of pills lightly. "I'll let you know. Is there any specific side effect I should look for?" she asked curiously. She pushed her hair out of the way, again. She wished for the umpteenth time for a stylist. She did well enough, but sometimes a professional... "Thanks. And anything I can do for you or anyone else, you lemme know, okay?" she said, stopping with the door half open.
He watched her head for the door, silently hoping that this would be enough for a start. Without people like Carmel, or if they got too worn down? This place was only going to be a slow struggle that ended poorly for the lot of them. "I'll give it some thought as far as cookin'," he promised with a shrug, "And if somethin' strikes me, I'll send word. As for side effects? Might see a small hit in your appetite, but otherwise you oughta be okay." Really, Cal would only have concerns if she was using the sleep aids regularly, and Carmel had already made it clear that she wasn't looking to do so. "Yeah, yeah... I'll let you know," Cal assured her, leaving it at that as she reached the door. With everyone seeming ready to support everyone else, he wanted to believe their chances were good. It'd be easier to do so without the stocks in the courtyard, without patching up Kasper after the fight. But easy or not, Cal was going to try. That was something he was pretty sure the two of them had in common.