This second chance
Characters: Brady and Edan Setting: Her room, the courtyard, early afternoon
Brady was silent in the elevator, annoyed at still having to be around the psycho bitch for the short ride to where he got off on the first floor. It didn’t matter that she was behaving herself, he just wanted to be away from her. He was distracted as he went into the cafeteria, but the picked at pile of rewards from the administration managed to distract him, and he wandered over, finding the two small packages with his name on them easily enough. He grabbed them up and wandered out, proud of himself for not having let himself even look at the bar no matter how much he really wanted a drink.
As he started down the walk from the cafeteria to go around the gym, though, he noticed some guy in a hoodie coming out of Edan’s room. He knew it was her room because he’d kept an eye out for her and had noticed her coming and going from that room. He’d always recalled seeing her with that guy during the drama this morning. It made him curious, but it also made him realize that he hadn’t actually talked to her since she’d left his room in a tense ball of emotions. Now was a good time as any, right? Probably not, since he really just wanted to go decompress in his room now, but he still found himself crossing to her door and lifting his free hand to knock.
Edan was in a weirdly happy place. She was still reeling from the kiss, or well kisses, from Matt. She was thrilled at the prospect of him, of it happening again. Hopefully it did. Hopefully he would. There was that plus her room was now full of candles including the tall pillar sitting in an intricate stand which was burning brightly and for some reason, easing whatever tension she had.
When someone knocked on her door she smiled, thinking it was Matt, jumping up to answer. “I thought you were...oh.” Her bright smile faded a the sight of Brady, leaving her a little speechless. “Everything okay?”
Brady was watching when the door swung open, so he caught that smile, and he also noticed how it faded when she realized who was at the door. “Mr. Hoodie?” he filled in the blank with a raised brow. “What? Oh. Yeah, everything’s fine, I guess.” He shrugged. “Just saw... Anyway, realized I haven’t really talked to ya since... And yeah.” He was starting to think that he just hadn’t thought this through.
At mention of Matt, Edan couldn’t quite fight the blush. “Matt,” she corrected, hesitating a moment before taking a step back. “You want to come in? You seem like you need something.”
At that blush, Brady’s other brow rose to join the first. “Matt,” he repeated, filing the name away and making a mental note to figure out what he could about the guy, some kind of protective instinct rising up in him for her. “Oh, uhh, sure,” he said, stepping into her room. “Don’t really need anything. Just wanted to see how you’re doing, I guess.” He moved aside so she could close the door if she wanted to.
Edan hesitated then closed the door, not really sure she wanted to share whatever might come from anyone else. “Yeah Matt. He’s the one with the camera.” She nodded towards the loveseat, then went towards her desk, leaning on it as she shrugged. “I’m as good as anyone could be, considering.” She bit her lip a little thinking of that kiss, how it had made her stomach flip and her skin go warm.
When she nodded to the loveseat, Brady went to it and sat down, setting his boxes next to him. He looked at her as she spoke, and Jesus fucking Christ, it was like she had a sign on her head that screamed ‘I’m into Matt!’ He tried to shrug it off, told himself that it wasn’t any of his business, and yet he still found himself speaking, “Yeah. Look, I know I don’t know ya really, and I got no place to really say anything, but there’s some people in here for some fucked up shit. If you’re gonna start something up with someone - I dunno, keep it in mind, I guess? Fuck. Ignore me,” he finished, shrugging a shoulder.
Edan’s mouth opened in a surprised little ‘oh’ but she didn’t say anything right away. “Brady he’s not like that. You don’t even know him.” She felt herself go on the defensive without any real need to. What had he said other than to be careful? Nothing.
Brady let out a short laugh at that, nodding his head up slightly. “You’re right, I don’t know him. And I’m not saying you should steer clear of him, just... Be careful. No lecture here. Trust me, I’m the last person that should be lecturin’ anyone on anything. And way I figure it, there’s also people here who’re deserving of the second chance they’re advertising, and I’d put you in that group. So I guess if there’s someone here you can click with, more power to ya. Just, be careful. Wouldn’t sit right with me if I didn’t say it, y’know?”
She didn’t really know. She didn’t know him. “You don’t have to worry. He can...” Edan started but trailed off. That wasn’t her thing to tell. “Since when did you not deserve a second chance?”
“He can what?” Brady asked, not about to let her off the hook on that one easily. “Since I did all the fucked up shit I did. Doesn’t matter, anyway. I’m here, so I’m getting a second chance whether I deserve it or not,” he pointed out. He still had absolutely no plans of starting over, but she didn’t need to know that.
Edan looked at her hands, thinking of how hard it had been for Matt to hold her hand, how it must have been near impossible for him to kiss her and he had nonetheless. “He’s kept his distance,” she wound up saying, looking up at Brady. “What did you do that was so awful?”
Brady accepted the answer with a simple nod and no further comment. At her question, his gaze remained unwavering on hers as he answered. “I killed a cop,” he said bluntly.
She was relieved that he took her answer, but at the same time it didn’t explain things. He’d kissed her. That was a big deal. At Brady’s admission she felt her jaw go slack, not sure how to explain that. “What...not on purpose?”
It was good that she looked so shocked, it was important that she knew that he wasn’t a good guy, that his fuckups had killed someone. “No, but it’s no less my fault. Still on my fucking shoulders,” he said, shrugging.
Edan gripped the edge of the desk, forcing herself to breathe. “What happened?” she asked, needing to know more. At least it wasn’t on purpose. At least it wasn’t intentional.
Brady moved then, lifting a hand to rub over his jaw as he sighed. He’d expected her to ask, of course. “I was spiraling. It was getting pretty bad,” he began, his eyes glazing over briefly as a flash of memory went through his mind of Brenna, broken and sobbing. He shuddered, scrubbing that hand over his eyes as he tried to push the image away. “I was drunk. Went driving. Crashed into the cop’s car. He was off duty,” he explained in short, choppy sentences.
“Brady...that’s not...that’s not nearly what it could have been. You’re responsible, but you didn’t kill him in cold blood or whatever.” She was looking for the right words, to explain but it was hard to say without downplaying his guilt. “You can turn around from that.”
Brady shook his head at her words. “You don’t understand. That’s not... It’s not all of it.” He blew out a breath, hand pushing up to run through his hair. “It should’ve been me. It was supposed to be me,” he admitted on a breath.
Edan tilted her head not understanding that. “What..what are you trying to say, how could it have been you?”
Brady shook his head. It was something he hadn’t told anyone, even through his arrest and sentencing and the therapy where he’d not said much of anything at all. “I’m not going there, Edan,” he said simply.
“Why not?” she asked him, voice slipping into something more stern. She wanted to know why. “Did I tell you what I did? Why I’m here?” she added, wanting to give him something in return.
Even with the stern tone, Brady kept his mouth shut, but when she asked her next questions, he shook his head. “No, you didn’t,” he answered. He hadn’t actually even processed that she must have done something criminal to have ended up in prison.
“You aren’t going to answer my question? Don’t you think it’d help to tell the truth?” she asked him, still leaning against the desk even though she wanted to sit down. She wanted to let her legs go, give them a rest from holding herself strong through what he was saying. “I burned an Army recruitment office to the ground.”
“Who will it help? Trust me, Edan. You don’t want to know,” Brady retorted. It was more that he did not want her to know. He didn’t want anyone to know. When she told him what she’d done, Brady let out a, “Fuck,” groaning and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and drop his head into his hands. “Damn it, Edan,” was all he said further on the topic. He didn’t need to ask her why, and he couldn’t be completely pissed at her for it. “Anyone get hurt?” he had to ask, though.
Edan frowned, looking at him. “It’ll help you Brady. It’ll help you get better.” When he made that face she flinched some, this time moving to sit in her chair. She was feeling a little sour about what he said until he asked her if anyone got hurt. That had her sitting up straighter. “No. I’m not stupid. I knew what I was doing. I was making a point not causing a scene.”
Goddamn fucking bleeding hearts, Brady cursed mentally, thinking of how Autumn had tried to encourage him into believe he was worth it as well. He rolled his shoulders at her answer, able to at least let go of some of the anger at what she’d done. “I’m not gonna fucking lecture you about it - I’m sure you’ve heard it many times already, but fuck.” He shook his head, really not able to say anything else about it.
Edan crossed her arms over her chest, eyes level on him, scars across her right hand peeking out just slightly. “What’s there to even lecture me about? You’re the one with secrets and some sort of guilt that’s truly trying to eat you alive and I’ve been labeled a domestic terrorist. They killed him. I reminded them of it.”
Brady shook his head at that. “They didn’t kill him. You can’t blame the fucking recruiters for that. He made the choice to join up, and as soon as you sign that contract, you’re signing over your life. It’s a possibility, whether a soldier’s family can handle it or not. The recruiter’s didn’t kill him, some fucking Haji did.” He was assuming, anyway. “And me? You really wanna know my big fucking secret?” he asked sharply, the truth on the tip of his tongue.
“They did. He went with a friend, and they talked him into it. Every time he went back someone guilted him into something. They needed him. He truly believed that. It was stupid. And no one knows who killed him. They wouldn’t tell us. They said he wasn’t a hero. You as much as anyone knows he was a hero. I wasn’t about to let them take that away.” Edan’s voice was raising, not enough to yell, but enough to make a point, and to prove that she felt far too strongly about all of it. “And yes, yes I want to know. Because you have to tell someone. Tell me.”
It was like she’d dropped a bucket of fucking ice on his head, and his eyes went cold, a dangerous kind of fury in his expression. He didn’t even have the words to express what he was feeling. All he knew was that he could not, would not disagree with what she’d done if that was the truth, if they’d really said Evan wasn’t a hero. “I was on my way to buy ammo to put a fucking bullet in my head,” he said without even realizing the words had come out, words that he’d held closed up in his mind for far too long.
For an instant she felt it, satisfaction in his reaction, like he finally got it, but all that faded away when he told her the truth. She should have kept her distance, there was always that chance he’d hurt her, he’d hurt that other woman, but Edan didn’t, moving forward to stand in front of him. In her mind it felt tentative, but her fingers were actually very sure as they moved along his shoulder to the back of his neck. “Why on earth would you hold on to that?”
Brady’s only reaction when she came to him, touched him was to look up at her with an oddly blank and lost expression. He couldn’t quite process that he’d told her what he had, or why he would tell her that. “Why... What?” he asked, voice low.
The only reason she didn’t pull away was that look, that confused state he’d found himself in. “What you said, about ending your own life. Why would you keep that to yourself? Shame won’t make you better Brady.”
When Edan explained, he looked back down at his hands, palms up, fingers spread a bit. “Because I don’t deserve to be saved,” he said roughly. And if people knew, they would try to save him.
“Bullshit.” Edan’s voice was gentle when she said it but the word carried enough with it. She kept her hand on along the back of his neck, almost massage against the tense muscles. “Everyone deserves to be saved.”
That caused him to look up again, and Brady’s brows furrowed. “Edan...” He shook his head. “I’m dangerous. I don’t mean to be, and that’s almost worse. I can’t control it most of the time. I... I shouldn’t be in a position to hurt people. I shouldn’t be here.” And if he wasn’t worried about knocking her over, he’d probably have jolted up and left right then and there.
“You shouldn’t be here, right now with me? Is this coming from the same guy who just gave me a lecture about the company I keep?” Edan asked, giving Bray a bit of a look. “And you can say whatever you want, but you won’t change my mind. If someone can be saved from death they deserve it. Brady you’re getting a chance to do better. To figure out if you can control it, if you can make up for it.”
“I never said I was good company for you to keep,” Brady pointed out, his mind slowly catching up with everything. “Damn it, Edan. Even if this is a second chance, what is it really offering me? A new identity where I’ll have to pretend my kids don’t exist, that they aren’t the most important things in this world? Me sucks, but I sure as fuck don’t want to be anyone else.” Not that it mattered, because he really didn’t think he was getting out of prison.
“Yet I bet you think you’re better for me than Matt,” Edan pointed out even if what he said made her skin crawl a little. There were perks to no longer being Edan Winters, but so much of her name was tied in with Evan’s name, so much of it was him, that starting over hurt, far more than she expected it to. There was family too, her parents, who she got along with but wasn’t nearly as close to as she’d been her twin. Swallowing hard she shook her head. “I don’t have an answer for that. But you’re getting another shot at life Brady. Think about that part, about doing something right this time.”
“I never said that. I don’t know Matt. All I did was encourage you to be careful if you’re gonna start up some kind of romance in here,” Brady retorted, because it really hadn’t been difficult to miss the cues that she was interested in this Matt guy. “Maybe, but there’s nothing right about living a life pretending like I don’t got kids,” he said, firm on that issue. Whether he planned to be a part of their lives or not - and Autumn’s lecture was still ringing in his head on that point - well, he just didn’t think he could move on from them, from Brenna emotionally.
“It’s not...” Edan started feeling her cheeks turn pink. She couldn’t say it wasn’t a romance because it was something. That kiss was something. Romance just sounded so specific, so not them. Maybe she should ask him about it. “I don’t think anyone’s expecting you to forget about them, or act like they don’t exist. I’ve never met them, but I can’t forget your son. Not now.”
“Didn’t say it was. It’s pretty clear that you’re into him though, so the encouragement’s still valid,” Brady pushed his point. It was her decision who she spent time with, and he wouldn’t dare try to say otherwise. He shrugged at that, not sure he could explain just what made him so incapable of accepting the idea of a true second chance at life. He just couldn’t see how he could start over, not with all the weight on his shoulders. “Doesn’t fucking matter, anyway,” he said, shrugging.
“I told him it was obvious,” Edan murmured before moving to sit on the edge of the coffee table, facing him. “I know it’s stupid, but...he says things and they’re not things I even dreamt someone would say to me.” She closed her eyes for a moment, wishing she didn’t feel the need to explain herself. “It does too matter. Don’t you dare tell me you don’t matter. You do.”
Brady was more than a little surprised when Edan started talking about how it was with Matt, and he had a ‘what the fuck?’ moment. “That’s not stupid,” was all he could think to say. He couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like if he hadn’t spiraled to this, if he was still with Brenna and got to watch his kids grow up. Would he have got the chance to tell Madelyn that she deserved the very best? God, if he had to fucking live, he wanted to be with his children, even if he knew they were better off without him no matter what Autumn had said. “What makes you think I do?”
“Oh but I’m pretty sure it is. It’s just...he seems like he means it.” She wasn’t quite sure why she was saying it, but who else was she going to talk to? And Brady was here at least. “You do. You fought for our freedom, you’re a hero not matter what you might think. You’re a father, you’re loved.” She looked at her own hands for a minute mind drifting to the darker moments in her life. “You dying doesn’t affect you. It ends you, but that’s it. You cease to exist or you move on or whatever you believe. Losing you, that leaves a you-shaped hole in the world. It leaves people to pick up the pieces. It doesn’t affect you at all, it affects everyone else and rarely for the best, usually for the very worst. I imagine there’d be a gaping wound left behind if something happened to you, to a lot of people.”
“Why shouldn’t he mean it?” Brady countered. Fuck, she was lecturing him on mattering, and yet here she was saying things to imply that she didn’t deserve a guy saying sweet things? It made no sense. He listened to her lecture, wondering if she’d somehow joined up with Autumn to try to make him believe he had a reason to keep going and wishing that she would just shut the fuck up. “I’m already lost,” he said simply, rubbing his hands over his face as he flopped back to lean against the back of her couch.
“You’ve never said something to a girl, just because you knew it was the right thing to say in that moment?” Edan asked. She doubted Brady had trouble with women, he was damned good looking, but she wouldn’t be surprised if he said yes. “Matt’s not like that though. He barely knows how he feels. Lying about it would be a whole other skill set.” She looked up at him, tilting her head to the side. “You feel lost. You aren’t lost.”
The laugh at her question was quick and surprised even him. Brady shook his head and scrubbed his hand over his face. “Course I have, but not all guys are assholes,” he answered honestly. But that had been before Brenna. Once he’d met Brenna, his whole world had shifted into place, which made him sound like a goddamn romantic. “Well there ya go, then. Should just accept that he does mean it.” Brady looked over at her, a long almost searching look at that. “I am, though,” he disagreed, voice oddly light.
There it was, just to believe him. Edan wanted to, and truly she did. She needed the extra bit of push though, reassurance almost that it wasn’t just in her head. Looking up at Brady she shook her head. “I don’t think so. Maybe you’re just on a new path that’s unfamiliar.”
Brady was more than happy with not continuing on the topic of whatever romantic entanglement Edan was developing with Matt, and even though he didn’t particularly care for the other topic any more, it was still easier to focus on. “Yeah? And where’s this new path gonna take me? To a ‘normal’ life?” Why couldn’t she get that he wasn’t going to be able to have a normal life again, no matter if he was rehabilitated or not?
Edan got up after a moment, looking at him. “Where do you want it to take you? I think that’s a large part of what’s coming, you deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life. What’s going to make you feel like you’ve atoned for what you’ve done.”
Brady’s eyes followed her as she got up, and he frowned at her words. “Edan, there was never supposed to be a ‘rest of my life’,” he said patiently.
She shrugged her shoulders. “Tough luck,” she told him shrugging her shoulders. “Someone or something is watching out for you. You’re gonna have to accept that.” Her eyes glanced towards one side, wanting Evan to see her, to agree with her, but he wasn’t there. Of course he wasn’t.
When she glanced away, his eyes followed her gaze, wondering absently what she was looking at. “There is no starting over for me,” he said firmly, each word punctuated with its own inflection. “I destroyed things with Brenna, and if I can’t have a life with my kids, there’s no goddamn life for me. So stop, just fucking stop trying to convince me that there is.”
Edan squared her eyes on him, letting the ghost of Evan go for a moment. “Then what are you going to do Brady? What exactly is your new plan of attack?”
Blowing out a breath at the questions, Brady looked back down at his hands. He hadn’t really worked that out, and he didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know. Right now? Right now I’m just... existing. One day, one moment at a time,” he answered, shrugging.
Edan reached for him again, fingers against his neck. “Then start there. Focus on existing. On doing something every day you’re proud of. Put together a schedule and stick to it.” That was what she had done, but now that she thought about it, she’d let hers fade away today, too caught up in Matt to remember. When did she eat last?
Brady shook his head at her words, but he didn’t dispute them. “I... I should go,” he finally said, not wanting to hear any more about how he should be giving living a chance.
She pulled her hand away, not sure what she wanted him to leave, but what reason did she have for him staying? “Okay. I’m glad you came by,” she said softly, taking a step back and out of his path towards the door.
“Yeah, sure,” Brady replied noncommittally. He couldn’t say he was thrilled with how the conversation had gone, but a part of him was glad that he’d caught up with her. He stood up and crossed to the door. “Just... Don’t worry ‘bout me, okay? I’m not... I’m not gonna do somethin’ stupid. Just take care of yourself,” he said with his hand on the doorknob, not looking back at her.
Edan was patient, watching him, taking in his warning. “If you worry you might...do something stupid, come here first,” she told him. She wasn’t going to not worry, she couldn’t help it. Not with what he’d said. “I will.” That she’d take care of herself, that much she could promise.
Brady gave a sharp nod, but didn’t actually say that he would do that. He couldn’t promise that he would come here first. Whenever he’d got to that point in the past.... He didn’t really stop to think - he just acted. Of course that had worked out so well for him in the past. He didn’t say anything else, just opened her door and left, closing it behind him.
It wasn’t until the door closed behind him that she let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding. Running her hand through her hair she looked back at the room, sure she needed to sort out that mislayed schedule when she spotted his things, still on her couch where he’d left them. Figured. There was a moment of debate before she gathered them up, and left her room, not bothering with shoes as she followed after him. “Brady!”
Brady was already halfway across the courtyard when he heard her call his name, and he almost ignored it, just wanting to get back to his room and find some way to get the fuck out of his head for a little bit. Maybe he’d go to the gym or go for a swim. It made him feel like too much of an ass to just ignore her, though, and after a moment, he glanced over his shoulder at her, slowing to a stop. “What?”
Edan was hesitant about the courtyard, not with everything that had gone on that morning, but also barefoot in the grass. Grass was not a commodity in Arizona. Her first two steps were tentative then she was hurrying again to catch him. “You forgot your things,” she pointed out, holding them out to him.
He had forgotten them. Brady almost told her that he didn’t care, that it didn’t matter because he just didn’t care what he’d got, but she’d made the effort to bring them out to him, and he’d already been enough of an ass today, so he took the couple steps to her and took the packages. “Thanks,” he said gruffly. “See ya later.”
Once her hands were empty she wasn’t sure what to do with herself, tucking a stray bit of hair behind her ear. “Of course,” she promised, taking a step back from him, letting him leave first.
Brady nodded at her when she took a step back, tucking his packages under his arm as he turned and continued on to his room.