Sometimes People Surprise You
Characters: Edan and Matt Setting: The cafeteria and Edan's room
With Wren’s request that everyone leave, Matt felt a pang of something approaching relief that a peaceful resolution had been found, even if he was no better informed than he had been before, and turned to look at Edan. "If people are leaving, I may head to the cafeteria before it gets too busy." He was hardly the materialistic type but the message from the administrators had mentioned a reward waiting there and he was curious as to what that might be. He paused for a moment, debating with himself before adding, a note of uncertainty in his voice. "Www....w....would you like to come with me?"
Edan was watching people then Matt was saying he was leaving and she almost considered asking for him to come with her. She did have something waiting for her in the cafeteria as well so she wound up nodding, smiling a tiny bit at him. “I would, definitely.”
He offered a small smile in return and, taking a step back, indicated she could walk ahead of him with a slight sweep of his hand, the closest he could do to offering her his arm to hold. "After you," he said.
He shouldn’t make her smile like he did, but Edan couldn’t fight it when she took a few steps forward, turning to walk backward so she could see him. This wasn’t the place for feeling like this at all, but it was hard to ignore. “Why thank you.”
Matt's smile grew a touch wider at the sight of her walking backwards and ducked his head in what could have been a vague approximation of a bow. "You're more than welcome," he told her, the sentiment a genuine one in spite of the silliness they seemed to be indulging in.
Edan liked that, biting her lip to keep her smile in check as she turned again so she was close to him while they walked. “You’re quite the gentleman aren’t you? No matter what I bet, manners always prevail hm?”
He shrugged, faintly embarrassed by the compliment, and rubbed the back of his neck. "When you struggle to talk to people like I do, good manners are a useful thing to fall back on," he explained. "Then at least you're the polite guy who c...c...can't string two words together."
“You string plenty of words together,” Edan corrected. His stutter got him sometimes, but it wasn’t all the time. “I’m torn between telling you to talk to more people, to give them a chance and not.”
"Around you I do," he pointed out. He raised an eyebrow at her dilemma and couldn't help smiling a little as they left the courtyard and crossed the threshold into the cafeteria. "Why not?" he asked.
“Lucky me then,” Edan said, but she was used to that. Who she’d been before prison was good at putting people at ease. “Because I sort of don’t want to share.”
The implication of her words wasn't lost on Matt and they caused colour to once again rush to his cheeks as his smile took on an almost bashful quality. "I d...d...doubt you'll have to worry much on that score," he said. "Given that I've been here since the beginning and I can count the number of people I've spoken to on one hand."
“I think I’m in the same boat,” Edan pointed out gently. Which was odd for her to think on, not being as chatty as she had been. Prison, it was prison that had changed her. She realized that, but sometimes the qualitative evidence of it surprised her. Looking back at him, letting his bashful smile warm her instead. “I still don’t like the idea of sharing.”
"Ah but is that a conscious effort on your part or just a result of circumstances?" he posed. In his case, it was certainly the former but with Edan it was harder to tell. He couldn't help but smile a little wider at her continued sentiment and on an uncharacteristic impulse, leant down towards her and said in a hushed voice, "Neither do I."
That was a harder to answer question than it should have been. Her new routine had kept her busy, having a hard time meeting new people that didn’t overlap with her plans, but if meeting Jason was any indicator, she wasn’t entirely to a point where she was that outgoing yet. “Maybe both,” she admitted softly, ready to turn away, to focus on the boxes laid out for residents when he leaned into her and returned what she said. For the smallest of moments Edan’s breath caught in her throat. That wasn’t like him, and it was Edan’s turn to flush ever so slightly at the attention. “You really don’t...don’t have to.”
Matt could understand that and didn't push for her to explain further. Then she was blushing which set off that squirming feeling in his stomach that only seemed to happen around her. "Don't have to what?" he asked, confused by her confusion, baffled at why his words had made such an impact with her. "Tell you the truth?" Because that's what his statement had been; an only child with a life spent without friends, he'd never needed to share and could be fiercely protective of what he viewed as his.
That made her almost smile, recovering from being flustered even if her blush didn’t quite go away. “No, you should tell me the truth,” she said, dropping her eyes from his. “You don’t have to share.” Admitting it like that made her skin heat up more and she pressed a hand against her cheek, half covering the blush and half trying to cool it down.
"Then I'll continue to do just that," he replied, pleased to see the almost smile. Her admission however hit him much harder, the butterflies in his stomach shifting into something larger, a gaping hole that had him freeze to the spot, breath seemingly knocked from him. "I don't?" His voice was barely loudly than a whisper and hesitant, like he wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly.
Edan bit her lip, moving half a step closer, giving him a little nod. “Not at all.” Because who else had she found herself so comfortable around? Not a soul beyond Matt. Maybe someone else would, but so far it was just him.
She had no idea, and how could she be expected to, of the impact her words were having on Matt, the permission she was giving him to feel a way he hadn't since Rachel's death. It was as terrifying as it was liberating and while he had yet to grasp exactly how he felt about Edan, he knew he liked being around her - the rest could come later, safe in the knowledge that she wasn't going anywhere. "Thank you," he said, the words woefully inadequate for the gift she'd given him but all he had to offer.
“Of course,” Edan said, smiling more around the bit lip and leaning just a little closer. “Though that should have been obvious, considering I was more than willing to let you figure out a trap door into my room.” She was teasing, but only because it kept her from reaching for him, getting closer than he would have liked.
Matt shook his head, hood falling back slightly in the process to allow a tuft of fringe to poke out beneath it. "Not necessarily," he countered, seizing her teasing tone for himself as best as he was able before he got caught up in all the possibilities inherent within the newly declared boundaries between them. "Ppppperhaps you just really like the idea of having a hatch in your ceiling and figure I'm your best bet for getting one."
Edan rolled her eyes a little, teasing smile still there. “Or maybe I just want to be closer to you,” she suggested then took a step back, wondering if he’d follow her.
It was probably hideously telling that his reaction to that was confusion, eyebrows coming together in a slight frown as he pushed his hood down the rest of the way, not feeling the need for its protection while just the two of them were in the room. “Why?” he asked, taking a small step after her, wanting to understand. “I am not the...easiest of people to be around.” He’d learnt from experience that his own awkwardness tended to put other people on edge.
“Why?” Edan asked, smiling a little. “Really? You don’t see it?” The ease she had around him, the way she reacted to his smile. “I thought it was obvious how easy I found it to be around you.” She moved forward a little more, excited to see the collection of boxes and knew he’d stick close to her. Finding one with his name on it she held it out to him, but close enough to her that he’d have to come to her to get it.
“There you are using that word again like it actually applies to you,” Matt said, a touch of fond exasperation colouring his tone. He’d spent a lot of time watching people and knew obvious when he saw it. Edan certainly didn’t qualify. Of course it didn’t occur to him that perhaps the reason she didn’t seem obvious to him, particular with regards to her interactions with him, had more to do with himself than it did her. “But I’m glad you find me easy to be around, many people don’t and I wouldn’t like to put you off.” When she held the box out to him, he smiled and closing the distance between them like she’d intended, carefully took the box from her, their hands as close as he dared but still not quite touching.
Edan laughed a little. “Which word?” she questioned, eyes on him even as he took the box. She liked that, that he was breaking his own rules to almost get close to her. “Why are you so against me liking you?” she asked in a hushed tone, eyes almost narrowed, but she wasn’t upset.
“Obvious,” he clarified, taking a step backward but it was noticeably smaller than it would have been from anyone else. He carefully traced his fingers around the box, looking for the best way in, only to be caught off guard by her question and fumble with it, barely managing to keep hold of it and stop it from crashing to the floor. “I’m n...n....not against it,” he said, eyes not meeting hers as his grip tightened on the box in agitation. “It’s just hhh...hard for me to understand.” He took a breath and looked up at her. “This doesn’t really happen to me.”
Was she not obvious? She thought she was. Maybe she’d have to work on that. No one had ever told her as much before that was for sure. When he fumbled with the box she reached for it steadying it a little. “Well I do. I don’t know what there is to understand.” She gave him an attempt at a stern look but it faded into a smile. “And that’s a shame. It should happen. I feel bad for everyone else.”
Her words brought the bashful smile back in force though this time it held a touch of something more playful. “But if it did happen then you would have to share me and we’ve already established you don’t like that idea,”
That had her smile breaking out more, almost blushing with it. “Alright you’ve logicked me into a corner,” Edan said giving him a little pout before smiling more again. “You gonna open that here?”
The pout was all kinds of distracting even if its appearance was a brief one and it took a couple of seconds before Matt registered the question, looking down at the box then back at her. “I don’t see why not,” he said, smiling as he gracelessly dropped into a crouch and started to undo it. “Did you find one for you?”
When he hesitated, Edan gave him a curious look, not sure what to make of that moment. She frowned a touch, but more out of curiosity than anything else before she went back to the table and found one for her. “I did,” she said trying to lift it and having to set it down again. “And it’s heavy.”
Seeing her struggle, he set down his own parcel for the moment and stood back up. “Do you need a hand?” he offered.
She gave the box another lift then nodded. “Yeah I think so. What did they give me that’s so heavy?”
Coming over, he picked up the box with surprisingly little effort given how slight he was in appearance and looked round for where best to put it. “Did you ask for anything?” he suggested, adjusting his hands to get a better grip.
Edan watched him lift it with ease and her eyes went a little wider. It really was a shame he was wearing that sweatshirt wasn’t it? She had to guess that without it, his arms looked fantastic. After a second of staring at him she found her words. “I don’t....oh no I do know.” She said reaching for the top of the box and trying to find a way to open it. “I asked for candles.”
Realising he was being stared at, Matt flushed slightly but managed to shoot her a smile in spite of it. “C...candles huh?” he said, hitching the box a little higher to test its weight. “I’m guessing they didn’t want you to run out if that’s what’s in here.”
“Good. I’d hate to run out,” she said, looking up to see that smile and blush. “What? You go and impress me, Superman and I’m not allowed to notice?” Edan grinned at him then found a way into the box as her eyes went really wide. “Wow. This is...wow.” There was definitely more than she expected, lots more. “Can...is it too much to ask you to help me get it back to my room? I’ll carry your box...”
It was difficult while holding onto the box which, easy as he’d made lifting it look, wasn’t exactly light but he managed to shrug one shoulder. “I always saw myself as more of a Marvel guy to be honest,” he said. He would’ve said something else but then her eyes went really big and it was his turn to stare for a second before replying to her request. “No, not at all though...” He nodded towards a stack of packages all of a similar size slightly further down the table. “I think there’s something else for you down there as well.”
Edan looked up in time to see him staring, but when he sent her attention in a different direction she went with it. “Oh, wow. What a day.” She grinned a little then hurried down to go through those packages and found one with her name and one with Matt’s as well. They weren’t nearly as heavy, more squishy, which had her heading back to grab his box as well. “I think that’s everything.”
“Well let’s go then,” he said, offering her a small grin in return before heading for the door. “So what did I get?” he asked, glancing back at her, his half opened box on the top of her little pile. Unlike her, he hadn’t asked for anything and was curious as to what his ‘reward’ might be.
Edan shifted things in her hands to look into the box, and tilted her head to the side as she lifted up the camera. “A Polaroid?” she asked holding it up so he could see it while they walked, relived her room was down the same hallway as the cafeteria which meant they didn’t need to head back into the courtyard and deal with that mess.
Matt blinked a couple of times in surprise as the camera was placed in his view. Edan was right, it was a Polaroid but he only knew that from his reading over the years, he’d not actually used one himself. “Yeah,” he told her, glancing down at the box and spying a few boxes of the film laying there. “I thought about getting one for a while to experiment but then they stopped making them and the film got really expensive.”
She looked at the camera turning it over in one hand then put it back in the box. “I guess someone likes you,” she said looking over at him. Which she secretly hoped wasn’t the case because it made her a little anxious, but Edan kept that to herself. As they got closer to her door she fished into her pocket to get her key.
He quirked an eyebrow at her in amusement. “Whereas you getting enough candles to light the facility for a week should the electricity go out is perfectly innocent,” he pointed out, jostling the box a little for emphasis. “Clearly the administration are making a point about the benefits of us doing as we’re told.”
For a moment she gave him a bit of a look then she frowned. “I hope the power doesn’t go out,” she said softly before letting them into her room. That usually meant a storm and that was not something she wanted to deal with.
Seeing her frown like that quickly robbed Matt of his easy mood and his tone grew serious. “I don’t think it will,” he told her, hoping he sounded reassuring. “Granted there’s no way of knowing for certain but a place like this most likely has back-up generators and the like if we’re as self-contained as they like to tell us we are, especially with the subterranean level.”
“I’m not...well more the reasons for the power going out. Storms.” Edan’s shoulders bunched with an uncomfortable feeling between her shoulderblades.
Even an unobservant person would have noticed her reaction and Matt was anything but. Setting down the box of candles on her coffee table, he took a step towards her hoping it might put her more at ease. “They scare you,” he said, not even attempting to make it sound like a question when the evidence was clear in front of him.
Edan set the other things down on her bed, not quite looking at him yet as she shrugged her shoulder and let out a half laugh that wasn’t really humorous. “It’s childish, being afraid of something so stupid, but...they’d get so big in Arizona.”
He shook his head, closing a little more of the space between them. “It’s not childish Edan,” he told her, voice gentle. “Irrational perhaps but that’s what phobias are by definition and I certainly don’t think less of you for it.”
“Telling me it’s irrational doesn’t help,” Edan said, finally pulling her eyes around to Matt. “Even though I know it is. I’m glad it doesn’t color things for you though.” At this point though he hadn’t seen her shuddering and hiding in her bathroom over a few bolts of lightning. That might change things.
Matt’s expression turned wry. “I know it doesn’t help,” he said patiently. “Just as the fact that I know that you don’t plan on hurting me doesn’t stop me from pulling away from you.” He let out a small sigh, the sound carrying more than a trace of regret. “I guess I just want you to know that I understand.”
She leaned a little closer to him, wanting to get next to him. “At least we’re not alone in it then.” Needing something to do that wasn’t trying to wrap her arms around him, she went for the second package with his name on it. “What’s this?”
“No, we are not,” he replied, managing to smile a little. “As for that, I haven’t the faintest idea. Yours looks close to it in size and shape so it follows they contain something similar. Open it if you like.” Without being able to give to give Edan any kind of physical reassurance, he hoped the gesture of trust would go a little way to soothing the situation. Lifting the polaroid from it’s box, he set about putting film in it though he kept an eye on her while doing so.
Edan gave him a little look then opened up his package, raising her eyebrows at the selection of clothes. The two pairs of jeans looked like the ones Matt had on, which wasn’t really anything surprising, same with the shirts. The find that really had her smiling was the sweatshirt like the one he was wearing, just in a slightly different shade. “I like this...” she said with a smirk holding it up for him to see.
Giving her his full attention and abandoning the camera for a moment, his smile grew at the sight of the hoodie she was holding. “Clearly they noticed my clothing proclivities,” he said, liking the softer colour of the new sweatshirt, a touch closer to grey than the dark blue he currently wore.
“Clearly,” she said with a smirk. “I like that one better though,” she added nodding towards the one he had on and setting it down, curious if he’d wonder why. Edan reached for hers, opening it up to see what was in there.
Matt took the bait, continuing to ignore his new camera for the moment. “May I ask why?”
“Because it smells like you,” she told him matter of factly as she dug into the choices that had been left for her. In the same way that the administration had understood Matt’s style, they’d given Edan one outfit that was more casual, jeans and layers to wear on top, and one outfit that was far more feminine. She didn’t glance over at him until she held the dress up, obviously short and strapless.
He found himself completely unable to say anything in return to that and so sat in slightly stunned silence as she went through the clothes gifted to her, wondering how on earth he had found himself in this situation. Seeing her with the dress did little to help matters and the fluttering sensation surged up again in his stomach and before he had time to think about what he was doing, he lifted the camera that had been sitting idle in his hands and pressed the shutter, wanting to capture her in that moment.
The picture surprised her, not what she was expecting from him at all. After it snapped she shook her head. “Why...I was barely looking. I’m sure I’m making some awful face,” Edan chided, but she still moved closer, wanting to see the picture.
“No, you looked perfect,” he said, voice slightly distant as he tugged the polaroid from the bottom of the camera, holding the snapshot delicately between two fingers and watching as the picture slowly took form. If he was honest with himself, he had taken better photographs but there was something about it, the contrast of Edan’s outfit with the dress held in front of it and the angle it had caught her expression that he instantly loved.
Edan was going to move so she could see over his shoulder, but that comment stopped her dead in her tracks. “Perfect?”
Enraptured as he was with the photo in front of him, Matt didn’t miss the way she froze like that and looked up with a guilty expression on his face like a small child with their hand caught in the cookie jar. “Should I n...n....not have said that?” he said, panic seizing hold of his chest, terrified he had made a mistake he wouldn’t be able to undo.
Her mouth seemed stuck a little open before she could speak then shook her head harder than she needed to. “No...only if it wasn’t true, then no, but if you meant it...did you mean it?”
“Why would I say it if I didn’t mean it?” he asked, looking from her to the photo in his hand and then back again. “I saw something that I wanted to be able to keep looking at, a moment I had to capture before it was lost.”
“Because guys say things to girls they don’t mean all the time,” Edan pointed out, sitting down next to him and looking at the photo. “Me? You want to be able to keep looking at me, looking...weird.”
Matt frowned. “Well in that regard I consider myself grateful that I’m am not most guys,” he said, feeling a touch defensive though he managed not to shift away as Edan sat next to him. “And yes you but I’d like to point out you do not look ‘weird’. You look...” His eyes dropped back to the photo, words failing him.
“I’m grateful too,” Edan said, feeling herself blush as the full weight of the complement sunk in. She watched him, looking at the photo and when he didn’t finish she smiled just a little more. Biting her lip a little she laced her fingers together so she’d keep them to herself. “If I knew you’d enjoy it I’d kiss your cheek for that.” It was a touch forward, but at the same time, it was a really sweet thing he was saying.
He looked up at her then, a faint blush of pink staining his cheeks as a crooked smile tugged at his lips. “If I could know for certain I w..w...would then I’d let you,” he said quietly.
Edan made a little face. “I can’t tell if you’re telling me you want me to or that no one ever has.” Both made sense, but she still had a hard time with the second one, that no one had before.
Blush deepening, Matt’s eyes dropped along with his smile. Oh certainly he’d been on the receiving end of such things, from female family members and Rachel had done so once or twice, but not in a long time and never from someone who made him feel the way Edan did.
Edan watched his cheeks go darker and his smile fade and she felt her own heart break. “Matt...” she said softly. That was wrong, that he really didn’t know. “Do you...there’s been no one?”
He shook his head, unwilling to look up meet her eyes lest all he see there was pity and he didn’t want that from her. “N..n...not in the way you’re talking about,” he told her, voice as quiet as hers had been. “But that’s been mmm...m...my choice, I’m not some tragic victim of circumstance.”
It took everything in Edan to keep herself from reaching for him. She grew up with a twin whose touch could cure all ills and in her mind, that was what would fix that soft voice, the stammer that only came out when the topic changed to something Matt wasn’t sure about. But Edan had seen the way he’d barely been able to hold her hand and she was pretty damn sure that throwing her arms around him might give him a heart attack. Biting her lip hard to keep focused she was quiet for a moment, fingers flexing against one another, but they stayed in her lap. “Why? Help me understand.”
“W...what is there to understand?” Matt asked, catching the movement of her hands in the corner of his eye and feeling grateful that she was keeping them to herself, the conversation was awkward enough as it was without having to deal with that as well. “Physical intimacy never appealed to me and even if it had...” He trailed off and gave a helpless little shrug.
That left her shoulders slumping slightly, not sure she understood it properly. How could it not appeal? How could being close to someone not sound wonderful? Had there really been no one that made Matt’s stomach flip and take over every thought he had? Unlocking her hands in her lap she turned them over, palms up to hide the scars on one arm. “I would.”
He felt rather than saw the change in her posture and that along with her statement had him finally turning back to look at her, confusion etched onto his face. “You would what?”
To say he’d gotten under her skin was probably an understatement, and while everything he’d said had made her smile, made her feel at ease, it was that face, confused at what she was trying to tell him, that left Edan twisted up in knots. “If you were interested. I would be.” Holding his gaze made her blush a pretty pink, but she didn’t let the heat pull her away from watching him.
“Oh,” he said and then it was his turn to blush. Not just because she was expressing an interest in him, something he struggled to fathom, but because he was interested in her. Maybe not in the physical sense though he certainly felt drawn to her but there was no denying the way he felt around Edan or the way she would pop up in his thoughts for no apparent reason. A silence stretched out between them for a few moments seemingly filling the room, his eyes not leaving hers the whole time before finally he broke it, his voice seemingly impossibly loud despite how softly he spoke. “You do interest me Edan.”
Edan’s mouth opened as if she might echo his ‘oh’ but no actual sound came out of her. It had been a year since she’d let herself feel so vulnerable, so many walls broken down and in one small sentence, Matt had done just that. “Ohhkay,” she managed though it was shaky from nerves she didn’t even fully understand. “If you...changed your mind about wanting...” She couldn’t bring herself to finish it, as bold as she could have been before everything had gone so wrong, that life, that Edan, felt like lifetimes away. Shaking her head from embarrassment she pulled her eyes away from his, pressing her hands into her cheeks so cool them. She felt stupid and silly for just putting things out there for someone who didn’t want them.
Feeling like he had somehow done something wrong or said the wrong thing, Matt let out a noise of frustration and ran his hands through his hair causing it to stick up even more than usual, wishing he had the words or experience to better explain how he was feeling. “Edan, just because I don’t want...” He made a flailing gesture with one hand, hating the fact he couldn’t just come out and say it. “You make me feel something I haven’t felt before and that means something.”
It was so hard, so hard not to lean into him, to close what little space was left between them. Who had ever talked to her like that? Probably no one and this was hardly the place to be thinking about that sort of thing, but just the words made her breath hitch a little and she shook her head again. Something he hadn’t felt before. Glancing at him slightly, she felt a ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “You’d definitely earn a kiss for that.”
“Would I?” he asked, expression softening slightly as the faint trace of Edan’s smile took the edge of his frustration, able to relax again knowing she wasn’t upset with him like he’d feared.
Edan nodded, looking down at her hands for a moment. “I’m trying very hard not to,” she told him gently. “It’s not every day a girl hears a guy say that to her. Some never hear it.”
Matt’s heart began pounding his chest, torn between fear and curiosity, a part of him desperately wanted her to do, to experience a proper kiss and see how it would make him feel when just being near Edan made his stomach flip. “Well you d...d....deserve to hear it,” he told her, offering a small smile.
She was blushing wildly again looking at her hands and not him, though she did peek at him from the corner of her eye. “I wouldn’t want to hear it from just anyone.” Edan had to wonder if he knew just how much of an effect his words had on her, on what effect they’d have on any girl. It was a wonder he hadn’t found anyone yet, not when he was so good at saying things that made her want nothing more than to get even closer to him.
His smile grew a little wider at that and while his cheeks heated a little, he didn’t look away from her. “No?” he said. “W...what makes you want to hear it from me?”
That brought out a smile in her and she glanced at him again, liking that blush on his cheeks. “Isn’t that obvious?” she teased gently.
“You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means,” he said, adopting a slight accent as he said it. If she was going to tease then he’d do his darndest to do it back and if that meant utilising the favourite films of his childhood to do it then so be it.
She almost laughed, biting her lip again as she smiled and drifted ever so slightly closer to him. “It is obvious. Because it’s obvious that I like you.”
Matt’s breath caught slightly, his heart still racing as the space between them slowly disappeared. “I’m starting to realise that,” he said, his eyes for some reason drawn to the way her lip was pulled between her teeth.
“It’s probably common knowledge to the rest of the world,” Edan said softly, watching the way his eyes changed where they were focused. “I always feel so obvious around you.”
“The rest of the world being the few people you’ve spoken to since being here?” he ventured, looking back up to meet her eyes. “And you don’t seem obvious to me Edan. You just...you’re just you.”
When she shook her head it as merely a slight movement, enough to convey the meaning but not actually cause her eyes to leave his. “I’m giving the whole world credit. Even if they can’t see us.” She blushed slightly, tongue running over her lips while she took in that comment. “Just me? Is that good or bad?”
His focus may have been on her eyes but Matt didn’t miss the thing she did with her tongue which really was all kinds of distracting and the next breath he took had a distinct wobble to it as a result. “Oh it’s d...d...definitely a good thing,” he said quietly.
“Matt...” Edan started, but it was more a breath that had his name on it than anything else. Not touching him was making her ache. All she wanted to do was hold on to him, pull him closer and actually feel something.
No-one had ever said his name like that before and it’s effect was instantaneous, sending a delightful shiver down his back and a pleasant ache to start uncoiling low in his stomach and he found himself wanting her to say it again. “Yes?” he replied, breathing heavily now as his heart seemed to pound loudly in his ears.
She didn’t really have a follow on to whatever she’d started to say. Maybe there was something, but it wasn’t coming to her. “It’s hard,” she managed softly. “Not...this is not easy.”
Matt didn’t need to ask what she meant and, not for the first time, hated how his issues with touch had impaired his life. “It isn’t easy for me either,” he told her. “To w...w...want something and at the same time, be t....terrified of it.”
That he wanted it too made something in Edan’s chest swell so it was almost hard to breathe. “I would but...I don’t want you to hate it. Because it’s not supposed to be bad. It’s supposed to be great.”
“But what if I don’t hate it?” he said. “What if it’s different and great like you say and I won’t ever know because my brain is too tied up by this irrational fear and...”
“Won’t ever...you’ll know at some point,” Edan told him, sureness in her voice. This time her hand moved towards him without her thinking about it, wanting to calm the rush of what he was saying. “Eventually you’ll want it bad enough to not be afraid of it, or so that being afraid doesn’t matter. And whoever it is will be so lucky.”
“And what if I want it to happen with you?” Matt asked, so caught up in what they were saying he didn’t even notice her hand moving towards him.
Edan felt the breath leave her lungs again and for an instant she struggled with both breathing and trying to find something to say to him. “You wouldn’t have to ask.” It was shaky, mingled in with the breath she was forcing herself to take and paired with her fingers making contact with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, like she had outside.
With her words about wanting something badly enough that it didn’t matter if he was afraid still ringing in his mind and the fact that for the second time that day, she was giving him her permission, he threw caution to the wind and with adrenaline screeching through his veins, leant forward and kissed her.
In the short time they’d been talking about it, she’d played out a million different directions that moment would go and none of them were him kissing her. She was sure that if it happened she’d kiss him, but not the other way around. It took a second, maybe less, for her to respond, but then she did, answering his kiss with something of her own, something just the tiniest bit eager.
Although part of his brain still screamed in protest, Matt didn’t stop kissing her and that ache that had been stirring in his stomach grew larger, unfurling with a warmth that seemed to spread through his whole body. It was strange, like nothing he’d experienced before but he found himself enjoying it, the act so different to anything else it didn’t seem to invoke fear the way a normal touch did.
She couldn’t stop herself from reaching to thread her fingers into his hair, holding him closer. If he was going to kiss her she figured it wouldn’t hurt to make it worth his while, which had her deepening the kiss slightly. There was no stopping the soft noise that slipped into the kiss, something pleased with everything going on that moment.
The hands in his hair he didn’t enjoy as much and might’ve been enough to make him pull away but then Edan deepened the kiss and with the little noise she made, his attention quickly honed back in on her and a hesitant hand rose to touch the side of her face.
His touch, which was simple, sent lightning through her, coursing through veins and it earned him another pleased noise, letting him know he was definitely doing something right. She wanted stay like this, to keep the moment, but she was quickly losing her breath and while she didn’t want to she had to let the kiss taper off to an end. When she pulled away it was just barely, still close enough to kiss him again. “Matt...” It was the same breathy way she’d said his name before, though this time with something else under it entirely.
It really was horrifyingly unfair the impact Edan just saying his name had on him and before he lost his resolve entirely and pulled away from her, something deep down he knew was going to happen regardless of how much he was enjoying it, he hurriedly pressed their lips together again.
She made another surprised sound when he kissed her again, but this time there was no hesitation in kissing him back with the same eagerness from before. Deepening the kiss again she shifted closer, not able to stay far away from him when he was the one kissing her first.
Edan had said that kissing should feel great and it really did. In fact, great didn’t begin to describe the feelings that came with something that, in the grand scheme of things, was so small, so simple. The rest of the world just seemed to disappear leaving just the two of them and while the fear hadn’t been totally silenced, for the moment it was mercifully quiet as his brain just wallowed in the sensations of being connected to someone in a way he’d never been before.
Somewhere along the lines, he’d done something, probably something simple, but Edan was just as lost in the kiss, attention completely caught up in Matt. All her walls were broken down, leaving her more open than she’d been in over a year. In the existing moment, she was, like he’d said, just herself.
As glorious as the kiss felt, as singular as the experience was, eventually his body’s need for oxygen began to press down on him and with it, the growing realisation of just how close she was to him and that voice in his head he had managed to muffle began to increase in volume. Unable to ignore either urge for long, he finally broke the kiss and abruptly let go of her cheek and moved back as much as the small seat would allow, his chest heaving with exertion and his eyes wide.
The last thing Edan wanted was for the kiss to end, even she needed to breath as well, but then he was pulling away and it was almost as if her heart broke all over again. She wasn’t any less short of breath, cheeks flushed from her own effort, watching him with one lip bit to try and keep everything she was feeling in check. Raw, all of it had left her raw emotionally, and his distance was stinging, not matter how well she knew the reasons behind it. “I...” she started not sure what really to say to him, but not wanting to sit there in silence staring at one another.
But stare was all Matt could manage for a moment, his expression caught somewhere amazement and surprise though traces of the fear he was trying desperately to shove away also clung there. His heart still hammered in his chest and his hands shook slightly as one rose to touch his lips, eyes never leaving Edan. “Ttth....ttthh...that was....”
Edan felt herself blush deeper under his stare, looking away from him, to look at her hands instead. “Hopefully not as bad as you thought it might be,” she supplied. He didn’t look completely terrified, even if it was there and she’d hoped it wouldn’t be.
Reaching out for her when she looked away was more than he could handle in that moment and he hated himself for it, his desperation to say the right thing making it even harder to speak than usual. “Aamm.mmm...mm....” He stopped himself, screwing his eyes closed as he took a breathe that shook as much as his hands then looked back at her. “It w...was ammmazing.”
She’d glanced up when he started to speak and while she was sure her cheeks couldn’t get any redder, what he said did the job. “Good,” she managed, voice a little breathy herself. “Really good.” At least he hadn’t hated it.
“Good?” he said, a wave of self-consciousness rising up in his chest and threatening to crash over him.
That made Edan smile a little as she nodded, turning in her seat more to see him. “Good that you don’t hate me for that or hated it...because I’d feel awful if you did when all I can think about is doing it again.” She found herself tugging at a loose strand of her hair, twisting it around her finger for a moment before looking at him again. “Amazing definitely works.”
“Oh,” he replied, feeling more than a little foolish as relief started to ebb away the tension that had rushed into his body though her comment about wanting to kiss him again had a blush rising to replace the newly vacated tension. “I c...c...couldn’t hate you Edan and that....” He trailed off, looking sheepish even as a smile began to pull at his lips. “I would like to do it again as well.”
“You were afraid of it and I talked you into it. You could very well hate me,” Edan protested, shaking her head. “We will have to then. Whenever you want.” And she really hoped he did sometime soon.
Matt shook his head in turn, hand clutching slightly in his hair in an unconscious mirror of what she’d been doing only a moment before. “I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to Edan,” he told her, hoping she’d feel assured. “Yes I was scared, I’m s....still scared but....You didn’t make me do anything.” The fact that she was willing to do it again, wanted to, but only on his terms was something he couldn’t begin to wrap his thoughts around in any cohesive way, that there was now someone in his life who wanted to be close but was allowing him to decide when and how it happened. “I can’t quite believe that this is actually happening, that you’re real.” But there was inescapable proof, the polaroid sitting just a little away from him which he reached out for, a version of her he could touch without inhibition on his part.
Edan thought about it, scrunching her nose up slightly as she finally relaxed more. “If you think about it...I didn’t really touch you...you touched me.” It made her smile, something teasing in her eyes. “I think if you were imagining me, I’d be a little more perfect.”
He smiled a little at her distinction. “I know,” he said, letting go of his hair and letting his hand fall to join the other holding the photo. “I don’t think I could’ve...I’m glad it happened that way.” If she had been the one to kiss him he hoped it would have been as amazing but he didn’t trust his own reactions, feared that he might’ve ruined whatever fragile thing they had because of his own stupid fear. Her comment about being perfect drew him away from those negative thoughts though and had him shaking his head in disagreement. “Sorry, I don’t see how that’s possible.”
“Me too,” Edan said honestly. She was itching to move closer, but after that she supposed he needed his space. Looking down at her right arm she tilted it towards him so he could see the scars. “I doubt I’d have these. Or be here.”
Matt continued to his shake his head, lifting his hand to hover a way over her arm and the scars she so freely showed to him. “But the experience of getting these has made you the person you are now, the you that I know,” he told, his voice gentle. “And if you weren’t here, how would I have met you?”
She was surprised at how deeply, how desperately, she wanted him to touch her. Edan had a sensation that she’d never wanted anything as much as his fingers on her skin and for a moment that was all she could think of. “You might have found me,” she said distantly, watching his hand.
He shrugged and offered her a wry, half smile. “Maybe,” he said. “But more likely I would have done my time then gone on to whatever life they’ve got planned for me when I’m done. Things happen the way they do for a reason and we’ve pound up on paths that have crossed and for that I’m grateful.”
Again Edan found herself wondering if he knew what he was saying, how it left her stomach in a twisted knot and had her nodding before she fully thought through it. “You keep turning my logic against me,” she teased him lightly.
His smile softened then and with his hand coming back to his lap to join it’s twin, he looked down at them and the photo between them. “Price of being around someone who actually listens to what you say I’m afraid,” he told her, matching her tone with surprising ease.
That made her laugh and Edan finally felt herself completely relax from everything that had gone on between them. “Well...since it’s you, I’ll consider myself lucky.”
The sound of her laughing was something Matt was fairly certain he could listen to all day and he couldn’t stop his own smile from widening in response as he looked back up at her. “That makes two of us then,” he said warmly.
It was hard not to move close enough to curl against him when he agreed with her, which meant Edan was getting up, reaching for the box with her candles in them. “That’s settled then. Which means you can help me put these away.”
“Does it now?” he said though it was telling that he was already moving forward to do just that.
Edan had one of the candles in her hand, a plain cream colored pillar one she was sure she’d wind up burning first, when he said that. Giving him a bit of a look she put her free hand on her hip. “It does...well unless you had something else in mind.” The tease had her raising an eyebrow at him suggestively, more than willing to drop everything if he did have something else in mind, but she was definitely going to tease him about it.
He had already reached into the box to fish out a couple of candles before she started to speak, a move he regretted when she raised that eyebrow at him and he dropped one of them, narrowly avoiding the camera still sitting on the coffee table.
She would have laughed, but in the instant Edan felt so bad about it that she made a face instead, reaching for the dropped candle. “Or not. Sorry...I was...thinking about it.”
Matt went to do the same thing, their hands almost meeting as they both reached for the candle. “No, it’s okay, you just c...caught me by surprise.”
Edan bit her lip, not pulling her hand back even as his almost grazed it. “Why?”
“Why?” he echoed, pulling back to look up at her. “This is new to me Edan, all of it. It’s going to take me some time to....” He smiled self-consciously. “It’s a learning curve.”
Edan kept the candle between them, holding it out to him as she stood up straight and moved closer to him. “I know that, but after that kiss...how could I be thinking about anything else?”
Feeling like there was no right answer he could give to that question, Matt shrugged helplessly as he took the candle from her. “No-one has ever acted around me like you do and I like it, more than I thought I would ever like this kind of thing,” he told her, moving to stand up. “But you will catch me off guard from time to time.”
That no one had hurt her, hating that no one had seen him like she did. Someone should have. Of course if they did, he might not be here for her to see him, but she didn’t want to think about that part. “I hope that’s not the case,” she said softly. “Or at least if I do, then it’s for the best.”
He smiled at that, a crooked little thing that looked like he was trying hard not to and failing. “I think the odd surprise is good for the soul,” he told her. “And if they’re coming from you...Well I won’t be complaining.”
That smile made her follow suit, grinning at him a little more. “Then maybe we work on some surprises. I suppose I wouldn’t complain about a surprise from you either.” She bit her lip a little leaning towards him.
“What kind of surprises are we t...talking about here?” he asked, not losing his smile despite the stutter. He didn’t pull back from her either though that may have been in part to the distraction of what she was doing with her lip.
Edan kept biting at her lip while she thought about it, chewing slightly before smiling around it. “That kiss was quite the surprise,” she told him, eyes finding his.
Which were still kind of focused on her mouth until he felt her eyes on him and looked back up. “Wwwell, I surprised myself there,” he said, voice barely above a murmur.
She liked that, that he was watching her mouth. It seemed important in its own way. “Maybe we keep that one in mind then?” she offered.
“Ss..ss...sure thing,” he said with a nod, not ready to do it again just yet but looking forward to the moment when he did.
That made Edan smile, really smile as she nodded again, reaching for another candle. She was looking forward to it too and hoping he didn’t wait long or she might not be able to do the same.