Reassessments
Characters: Autumn and Brady Setting: Pool, late morning
After Autumn had laid down after her bath with Mazie, and Mazie had taken off, she'd laid there, staring at the ceiling. Nothing felt right to her. Nothing at all. So much so, in fact, that she snuck down to the cafeteria so she could grab a bottle of bacardi, and then she went to the pool. She didn't get in, merely rolling up the pants of her jeans and she drifted her feet back and forth slowly through the water, taking pulls from the bottle as she stared into a middle distance.
All was silent, save for Autumn singing very very softly, something that echoed very lightly in the room, the acoustics strange to her ears. Her singing slowed the tempo of the actual song, and of course it was broken up in verses by drinks, but she wasn't all that bad.
"This emptiness we're passing out, like candy coated water drops, I'm spilling out my thoughts, you're spilling out your guts...I can't help but stop and think that, if the world stopped spinning, if the end was beginning, would you even notice if I wasn't there? If the world stopped spinning around..."
This whole place was one hell of a mind fuck, that was for sure, Brady thought as he headed back toward his room after a pretty crazy morning. He didn't like the idea of the stocks or putting people in them any more than anyone else, but in Brady's world, things were black and white. Those people had done wrong, they hadn't denied the charge against them, and so it was their responsibility to carry out the punishment set forth. It wasn't cruel, not if they made sure no one fucked with them while in the stocks, and he fully planned to spend much of his day doing just that.
As he neared his room, though, Brady was pulled from his thoughts by a sound coming from the pool room. It was soft, faint, and he wasn't sure what it was, but he found himself detouring that way out of curiosity. As he came into the room and saw Autumn sitting on the edge of the pool, singing that song, Brady leaned against the wall. It took all of his control to keep the memories that were threatening to pull him in at bay. "Fuck," he breathed, rubbing a hand over his jaw.
Brady pushed away from the wall and approached her slowly, and as he reached the pool, he was still a ways down from her. He kicked his shoes off and sat on the edge as well, dipping his feet in. "Hey," he greeted softly. He'd wanted a chance to talk to her again, to apologize again, and he hoped she would give him that chance now.
Autumn looked over, not having quite realized he was there until now, and that was probably not a great thing. She should be more aware. She'd been too deeply mired in her own thoughts, and the song died out as she looked at him. "Hey." she greeted in return. "You're not going to hurt me, are you?" she asked, not aggressively. Not in the slightest.
It would have been impossible to miss just how miserable Autumn looked. There was nothing of the cheerful girl he'd met here just the other day, and for some reason that struck Brady as just wrong. But then this whole situation was seriously fucked. And he was trying not to think that the missing light in her expression had anything to do with his brief and reflexive attack on her. "No," he answered immediately, not even bothering to waste time in taking offense to the question. "And I'm really fucking sorry I did before. Dunno if you heard me say that then."
"I did, actually. Or, thought I did." Autumn said, taking another drink. She went back to slowly drifting her feet in the water. "Convinced Mazie that I didn't think it was quite your fault. And that there was a difference between 'acceptable' and 'understandable' actions." she said, voice soft. "I'm glad they didn't put you in the stocks for it."
Brady nodded once at that, glad that she'd heard it then, but even more glad that she was giving him the chance to say it again now. He didn't repeat it though; he'd said it, and that was that. "There's a really big difference between 'acceptable' and 'understandable' actions. What I did wasn't right; there wasn't anything right about it. I'm not proud of it, it's not something I set out to do, but it happens. There're reasons for it, reasons that explain it, but it doesn't make it right." He nodded to the bottle then. "What's got you all twisted up? Just the conflict of the stocks?" he asked, though he wouldn't push if she didn't want to talk about it.
"That's what I thought." Autumn said with a nod, eyes on the water. She took another drink, and set it down, the sound seeming loud to her ears, even if she didn't think it really was. "Everything?" she suggested, giving the ghost of a smile, though it died immediately on her lips. "I hate this." she said, softer than before. "I hate the entire way they handled everything, I hate how it all went down out there, I hate that the closest person to me in here seems to be of the opinion that 'well, everyone was violent before, maybe everyone deserves a second chance!' like it's nothing." she said.
She reached up, and rubbed the heel of her hand against her eye. "Don't get me wrong. I believe in people. I believe in second chances. I just also believe that if you turn a blind eye, it's stupid. There's also a difference between blind faith and intelligent leeway." She took another drink, looking down in the water. "I also feel very, very isolated." she said, this one almost a whisper. She was drunk, clearly, she was telling him everything, but she needed it out there. Or that was what it felt like. "I looked at that list. The one the guy who got pulled out of here put up? About what everyone did? I felt like I was practically the only person in here that wasn't in for hurting other people."
Brady's expression remained unchanged at the answer that rang as more a question than an answer, and he just waited her out, letting her get out what was on her mind. There was a list? Brady was curious about that, but he put the thought aside for the moment. "You know what I believe? I believe that some people are just fucked up. Some people do shit, hurt others just for the sake of causing trouble or just because they like hurting people," he said without waiting for an answer.
"You're in prison, honey. You're just a sweet girl who made a living being whatever people needed, and you got thrown in with wolves. There's gonna be violent people here, and you can't afford to turn a blind eye to that. You should be suspicious, take precautions to protect yourself," he pointed out. He'd considered her one of the bleeding hearts he'd referred to more than once before, but now he was realizing that maybe she wasn't so obliviated to the danger of blindly trusting her fellow residents.
"I know. Some people are. Fucked up, I mean. Like you said." she said, making a vague gesture in his direction. "And some people are just capable of terrible things, and some people go through with them because they can and some people are pushed there, but violence is violence. And I believe in forgiving people. I do." she said, looking at him and nodding. "But I don't believe in forgetting." she added. "I think if you forget, all you're asking for is for someone to do it again." She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling her eyes well up, even if she really didn't want to be a crying mess at the moment. She did manage not to sob, and no tears fell or anything, but she was close. "And I was a lot of things for a lot of people, and I helped, and I liked helping people. Some people there's just...there's just something wrong. And sometimes they aren't really going to be able to fix it. Some things aren't fixable, end of story. So you do your best." Then she stopped, and remembered who she was talking to. “...but, I’m just a whore to you,” she recalled, taking another drink. “Nevermind.”
There was a whole lot Brady wanted to say in response to all of that, but all of it went by the wayside at her last words, and he shook his head at her. "Nope, you're not just a whore to me. All I meant was that the term still applied to what you did, not who you are. I don't know you, so to say you're just a whore would be a pretty fucking asshole move."
Brady held his arms out, looking down at the tattoos there. "I don't believe in forgetting. I don't even know how much I believe in forgiveness. God knows I haven't managed to forgive myself for the fucking laundry list of fuck ups I've managed to accrue. My world's pretty black and white, though, it always has been. I sent my father to prison; stopped him from molesting my sister anymore, took the beating that came with standing up to him, and forced my mother and sister to suffer through the shame and humiliation of a trial. And when he got shanked in prison six months after he was convicted, I didn't go to the funeral. It makes me sick to my stomach to think there might be fuckers like my father here, and you can bet your ass they won't be advertising what they did. So yeah, sometimes there's just something wrong with some people, some of them just aren't fixable, and some of them don't deserve a fucking chance to be fixed."
His explanation actually helped. She nodded, accepting it, and it eased something in her a little. It wasn't that she'd ever been ashamed of what she did--she wasn't. Never had been, never would be. But it couldn't help but bug if people dismissed her before knowing who she was. Which he just pointed out he didn't know. So, that made it better for her. She looked over when he showed his tattoos, trying to get her eyes to be slightly less blurry in the process. She flinched a little when the world 'molesting' came out. That was awful. "I'm sorry about your sister." she said quietly. He wasn't quite on the same page as she'd been about people being broken, but it made more sense with their conversation than her own thoughts had been to start with, so she merely accepted that, too.
Brady shrugged at the apology. "Don't be. Shannon's strong, really fucking strong. She's married, has some kids now. She came out of everything a better person than I could've hoped to be. Sometimes I think I have more of him in me than I wanna admit, but Shannon? She got all the best of the both of them." He went quiet then, staring down at his hands for a long moment before looking over at her. He wasn't sure what else to say, then, so he just stayed quiet.
"I'm glad it didn't break her." Autumn said honestly. "I...had a client that had been abused like that as a child. Meant to be intimate, things needed to be very...specific. I always felt awful that they couldn't have a normal intimacy life, and they felt so ashamed of themselves." she shared.
Brady nodded in understanding at that. "I would bet that Shannon felt ashamed for a long time. There was no way we could afford a shrink or anything, but I always tried to do what I could to make sure she knew it wasn't her fucking fault. Her husband's fucking gold, though. Most patient man I've ever met," he recalled. And last he'd heard, things were still going great with them.
"I believe in therapy." Autumn said. "But I've definitely seen it fail a lot. I wish I could say that people could heal, and be happy, but I think there are scars, sometimes. And scars will always be there. They're always going to remind people of things." She smiled at the last part, though. "That makes me happy. I'm glad to hear it. Amen for patient people."
"Therapy failed me," Brady said without thinking. If he'd given it any thought, he'd have kept it to himself even though he'd already told her some about that whole thing the other day. He shrugged, though, as if it wasn't any big deal. "I thank God every day that she's got a good man. So, there's a list somewhere of what people've done?" he asked, not wanting to focus on his own demons just then.
She nodded, looking at him with some sympathy in her eyes, but not pity. "I'm sorry it did." she said. "Also, I don't actually remember if I said anything, but thank you for your service." she told him. She held the bottle up in offering. "As for the list, yeah. The guy who got taken out that they told us about? Which--by the way--they haven't with everyone. But they announced his removal. He asked everyone what they did and a bunch of people did comment on it. But at this point..." she sighed and shook her head. "Not everyone answered, and now I'm wondering about the people who were up front about things like 'negligent homicide'. And of course, people who I'm sure just...lied. Because it isn't like they prepared us for anything. They didn't tell us anything about each other."
Brady merely nodded his head in acknowledgement of the thanks, far too used to it even if he hadn't heard it for a long time before here. "They haven't what? Told us about everyone who's left?" he asked for clarification, though it was the only thing that made sense. "But really? I'd be shocked if no one lied, and I'd be even more worried about the people who didn't answer at all. Someone who's killed, they only own up to it for one of two reasons: either they're cold as fuck and have no regret and are confident that nothing can touch them because of it, or they know they fucked up and they're trying to atone for it. Negligent homicide? That's just a fancy way of saying that shit went down and they had to pin it on someone."
"Yeah. One day, two guys just arrived, one of them's the tattooed guy? Leandro? And there was another guy with him. I suspect a whole lot of prison bullshit intimidation shit was going on. Anyways, I cut in, and the one guy, Chance, he mouthed 'help me'. So, I did. But he's gone now. I went to knock on his door and no one answered, and I sure haven't seen him. So..." she trailed off, shrugging. "There's someone in here for it." she said. "The negligent thing." she added, feeling like she needed to speak more clearly. It was possible that she was starting to feel a little too drunk.
As Autumn told him the little story of Chance and Leandro, Brady couldn't help but snort out a short laugh. "Huh. Well fuck. They sure do love to explain shit to us, don't they?" he said sarcastically. He really hated the lack of explanation, but it wasn't going to stop him from getting shit done. He was used to following orders. It was a way of life. "Yeah? Not surprised. Betting there's probably someone in here for just 'bout everything." If this was some kind of psych experiment, they'd need a range of backgrounds and crimes, right? Made sense to him, anyway.
"Probably." Autumn said, sighing. She capped the bottle, then set it down and rolled it away from herself. She was definitely drunk at now. Just not in the nice, happy way. "I think I realized today that we're just...rats in a maze." she told him, staring at the water again. "We don't even know where we are. We may not even be on american soil, at this point. And I was wondering...we're meant to get new identities. What happened to our old ones? Have we been deleted from the system already? And if we have...well. That's a terrifying idea."
As Autumn spoke, Brady watched her, considering what she was saying. His brows rose at her last words, and he took a moment to formulate his response. "That's a really fucking shitty thought. I'm not gonna lie - being erased isn't as horrible a thought as starting over with a new identity, though. My kids, Brenna, they're better off without me, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna pretend to be someone else, pretend like they don't exist somewhere out there or that they're not the most important things in this world." He would rather die, and the truth was that he fully planned to die in prison.
Autumn was quiet for a moment. "Even if you believe they're better off without you, it isn't like you didn't exist to them? What did they tell your kids? Anything? Are you just gone forever, poof? Did they tell them you're dead?" she posed, putting the questions that ran through her mind out there for him to consider. "What if they get told nothing? Are your kids going to grow up thinking their dad didn't give a damn?" She shook her head. "Nothing is one sided. Nothing is."
Well now, Brady hadn't stopped to think that far into it all. "Don't know. It's not somethin' I have any control over, but what happens when we leave here with those new identities? What's to stop us from contacting our loved ones? And we're allowed to send mail - you've seen the mail drop box, right? So maybe you should send something to whoever it is you're so worried about disappearing from." Like she said, nothing was one sided.
"And say what? I don't know where I am, and I'm terrified?" Autumn posed. She shook her head. "Mom and dad don't need to know that." she said. "And any contact with any of my clients will result in very bad things for me." she added, quietly, staring into the water. "I know it's none of my business, and I know it's useless anyhow, because you're in here and we don't know what's going to happen, but children thinking a parent doesn't care is terrible. I've had more than one client, and more than one friend who had that, a parent that just didn't give a damn, and it causes deep psychological damage, a lot of the time. Creates issues with trust, self esteem..." she trailed off. "I've seen people better adjusted with a parent in prison who cares than people who grew up feeling like they somehow didn't measure up enough to be loved. You might think they're better off...but that might not be the case, and it might just be easier for you to think that's the truth. I don't know your story, but you seem like a decent human being. Someone who did the right thing in a ridiculously difficult situation, protecting your sister when no one else would, and against your father, to boot. That's strength of character. That takes a whole lot of heart. And bravery. And conviction. So does being in the service. I know you have other...issues, but a man who's done just the few things I know you have? That's someone who should influnce their children's lives."
"Lie," Brady answered simply, though she probably hadn't expected an answer. "They don't need to know that you don't know where you are or that you're scared, but telling them that you're alive and whole and that you love and miss them - that would probably help you both." He'd done it many times himself, lied to Shannon and Brenna, particularly during deployments. They hadn't needed to know the things that he was dealing with.
As she went on, though, it didn't matter that she'd acknowledged that it was useless because of their circumstances, her words still caused his heart to pound in his chest, anxiety and stress and guilt all building up in him. He rested his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his open palms, trying to breath through the tightness in his chest. He wasn't a good person; he'd done terrible things. He was a ticking time bomb that destroyed lives, reset, and then did even more damage the next time. She didn't know; she couldn't understand. "I hurt her," he whispered in a pained voice. "More than once. It was only a matter of time before I hurt them. I couldn't live with it." He wasn't completely in the present now, wasn't completely aware of what he was saying.
Watching him quietly, Autumn wished she wasn't drunk. He looked like he needed support. And she did take on board what he was saying, definitely noted it, but then again, she'd already been on the receiving end of violence. She might have commented on his suggestion to lie to her parents, had even had an answer, but she didn't share it. She deemed the last points much more important. "Was it like what happened with me?" she asked, voice soft. Gentle. "A trigger?"
Brady didn't speak. He couldn't. He was so sucked into the well of guilt and depression in that moment that he couldn't find his voice. He nodded mutely. Brenna was the love of his life, he... "Couldn't've hurt her on purpose," he said without even realizing that he'd said it out loud.
She didn't nod, because he wasn't looking at her. He was somewhere else, she could tell. Miles away. "It's awful, and unfortunate, and it shouldn't have happened. But what you did could be explained to your children. I know some things can't be fixed. I understand your desire to not be near anyone you care about so bad things don't happen. But nothing'll ever take away the part that you're their dad. And you're a good man. That's something they should know, first hand. They shouldn't be left with questions, or blank spots, or worse, left to figure it out on their own. I don't believe they're better off without you. I think you can't live with your actions, and you're making that call for your children." Her voice was still very soft, very gentle. She could see he was going through a lot. But sometimes people needed to hear things. Sometimes, people were excellent at hiding things from themselves, right up until the moment someone put a little crack in their flawed logic. She'd done it before, many times. The results varied, but usually people were better off for it. Illusions were a defense mechanism, but they weren't necessarily the healthiest one. She definitely didn’t think this one was. It certainly painted him in a terrible light, and that was of his own design.
Whatever the reason, Brady was convinced that given enough time, he'd have hurt his kids too, and there was no convincing him that it would have been worth the risk. Still, her words pushed through, and they were true enough that they compounded on the guilt. They brought tears to his eyes, and he pressed his fingers against them. "Jesus, fuck," he cursed. He rubbed his hands over his face a little more firmer before pushing up abruptly to stand, pacing away from the pool. He was back, not lost in some memory he couldn't handle even if they were all festering under the surface, threatening to bubble over and suck him in again. "Maybe I can't. Maybe I can't fucking deal with the shit I've done, and you don't even know the half of it. How am I supposed to live with it? How am I supposed to be... It doesn't fucking matter anyway. We're here, and I don't know if I'll ever see them again. It's out of my control."
"Of course it matters." Autumn said. "You have to deal with it. And...I'm sorry, but obviously you aren't. And I'm also sorry that I don't have an answer for you. I wish I did. But I know there's no simple fix, no easy way to wave a wand and make everything better. And no one can make you come to terms with things yourself but you. I just hope you're able to, some day. You're probably worth the effort."
Jesus Christ, why did people seem to insist on seeing good in him? He wasn't worth the effort - he was a fuckup of exponential proportions, and if he kept going it was only a matter of time before he fucked up someone else's life, and he didn't want that to happen. He really wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of that, not on top of everything else he was carrying around on his shoulders. She didn't get that though, obviously because for whatever reason she thought he was probably worth the effort. "Weren't we dealing with your issues?" he said abruptly changing the topic. There was no easy fix. "What about the person closest to you here? Is it your little blonde guar... Mazie, I mean?" It was probably an asshole move, but he couldn't stand talking about his own issues anymore.
"We were." Autumn said. "But then we were dealing with yours." She gave a half smile, looking back at the water. She accepted the subject change. She'd said what she wanted to, and he was going to take it however he wanted to. "Mazie." she confirmed. "No one's ever actually done that for me before. Defended me like that." A smirk touched her lips. "It was actually pretty hot, if you ignore the way it started." she said. Then she sighed. "But she...she went out there today, wanting to poke the bear. She wanted to start something. She was telling me that we needed to 'show them'. Like...like we have a single card we can even play against nameless, faceless people who apparently control our entire lives and everything in them. And it absolutely terrifies me that she's going to keep at it, and she's going to wind up the next person they 'remove'."
Brady relaxed minutely when she went with the subject change, and even managed a small grin in response to her smirk and words. He had a quick reply on the tip of his tongue, but he bit it back because she was sighing, and he let her continue, listening. He moved slowly over to her, sat down next to her. "We don't. Have a card we can play against them, I mean. They're the ones in control. There's no telling what they do to the people they remove. You can't start a revolution against an invisible enemy, anyway," he pointed out with a shrug. "And fuck - whether the stocks are right or wrong, did anyone stop to notice that neither one of them claimed they were innocent?"
"You might not wanna sit by me." Autumn said. "As you learned before, I'm kinda...touchy-feely. And I know better now, but I'm also drunk." she warned, half joking. "I think she's just...she's a hacker. So Mazie's battles were all fought where she was very far away from any real confrontation. And I feel like she's just...not seeing the situation for what it is. We are helpless right now. And god, I'm feeling that right now. I hate it. I've never been one of those girls who feels like she needs to be rescued, I've always been the one doing the rescuing, in my own way. But fucked if I don't feel like I need some rescuing right now." She was quiet a moment. "No, neither of them claimed innocence."
Brady let out a short laugh at that and leaned over to nudge her shoulder with his lightly. "I'm not drunk," he pointed out. "And I'm also not lost in some memory." He'd made the conscious choice to sit next to her, knowing full well that physical contact might occur, and he wouldn't have done so if he thought he might freak out on her again. He was in control in that moment, and he was going to try damn hard to stay that way in spite of their recent discussion of his issues.
As Autumn spoke, Brady surprised even himself by lifting an arm and putting it very lightly around her shoulders. "No one wants to feel that way, but the truth is that everyone does sometimes. I'm probably the last fucking person you'd buy this from, but I'll be damned if anyone's gonna hurt you." It was ironic, him saying that considering he'd hurt her just days before, but he meant it. He felt a protectiveness surging up in him toward her, and maybe it was because she seemed to believe in him, but it was there, and he'd never been one to ignore his protective instincts.
She was surprised at the contact at all, but looked over at him and gave him a smile. It was still tinged with sadness, but it was present. And when he put an arm around her, she leaned against him and sighed putting her head against his shoulder. It felt nice. Autumn was a physical person by nature, and she was feeling terribly vulnerable, in a way she had never in her life experienced. So, it was nice.
When he told her esentially that he wouldn't let anyone hurt her, she smiled, laughing just a little. "Don't tell Mazie. She might get jealous." she said. "Or, she could decide maybe you're alright, and she can stop being mad." she added. "Thank you, though. It helps." she shared. He knew how to handle himself, and she sure as hell didn't. Not in that capacity. And sure, it didn't help the apparently omniscient boogeymen disappear, but it was nice to know. Autumn would take the security blanket offer. Even if she knew it for what it was.
When she leaned against him, Brady rested his arm a little more firmly over her shoulders, squeezing lightly. He chuckled under his breath at the warning not to tell Mazie. "I'd rather not have her punch me again. We're being cordial, don't ya know? Well, that's the plan anyway. Haven't run into her again, so who knows." And he had a feeling that if Mazie could see them now that she probably wouldn't be pleased, but he couldn't bring himself to give a flying fuck. "You're welcome," he said, giving her another little squeeze.
Autumn smiled a little, and some of the tension in her frame relaxed a little. "Any advice for keeping my brazen, 'screw the man', danger ignoring, trouble inducing, beautiful amazon princess safe?" she asked.
Brady smirked at the description of Mazie. "Nope. She's her own person and you can't force her to make the safe choices. All you can do is remind her that she's got something worth sticking around for. Good luck with that," he said with the slightest note of teasing.
It got a little laugh out of her, and a smile. "Thanks. Something tells me I am so going to need it." she said. But she was feeling a little better now. Things seemed less overwhelming. And having a reconciliation with Brady here, and having it come out not only very well, but she felt like they could possibly strike up a proper friendship, was a massive pick-me-up for her. It helped her feel like herself more. Less the frightened rabbit she felt like that morning. The sick twist in the pit of her stomach wasn't just dulled by the alcohol now. All in all, she was really glad he'd interrupted her private party.
It was like his own little victory when she laughed that little bit, and Brady grinned a bit more at it. "Yeah, I think we're all gonna need some luck here." His expression went somewhat serious then, and he turned his head to try to catch her eye. "Just keep in mind that old habits die hard, and people who are as passionate as she clearly is have a hard time containing it when they feel they're being herded like sheep. Not everyone's designed to follow orders without a questioning thought on it."
She looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah, I know." she said. And it was true. She'd seen it. Some people were just built that way. Just like some people were built to follow orders. It was humanity. Everyone had their own quirks. "I'll be patient. I'm not even upset with her, really. I'm just upset about the situation, and the awful things I wonder about. I don't want to wake up and have her just...gone." She gave a little smile. "I know I haven't known her long, and I'm very much taking things slowly with her, but I'm really not ready for her to be missing from my life. She's the first person I really felt connected with since I got convicted."
Brady nodded, accepting her words that she wasn't upset with Mazie at face value. "I get that. It's not easy to find someone you really click with in prison, but you can't get yourself all twisted up about the possibility that she might get removed from this program. I mean, I get that you're worried, but like you said before, they've removed people for no apparent reason before and no explanation. It's not something either of you have any control over, so stressing about it is just gonna keep you from experiencing good things with her while you can." Perhaps not the most optimistic approach to things, but he'd never been accused of optimism.
That got Autumn to laugh, and she gave him a bright smile for it. "You sound like me, on a normal day." she told him. "You're right. I shouldn't stress myself out about what I might lose, when I haven't lost her yet. I should concentrate on today, on now."
Brady snorted out a laugh, shaking his head. "Well now you're makin' me sound like I know what I'm talkin' about or something. But yeah, focus on the here and now, otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy." Because the mood seemed lighter, Brady couldn't keep from wiggling his brows at her. "So, happened to see that pretty steamy kiss after things went down the other day." He'd seen it even without being able to acknowledge it at the time because of being caught up in his own issues.
Autumn laughed, a happy sound, and she grinned at him. "Ohhh yes." she said. "It was a butterflies in your stomach kiss, that's for sure." she told him. "It was actually the first kiss." she confided. "I mean, I'd been planning to eventually, I've just been taking things slowly, being careful with her. But after that?" She winked. "I couldn't not lay one on my hero."
Well, at least something good had come of it, Brady thought with a grin. His brows did raise a bit at the admission that it had been the first kiss. "Well shit. Happy to have helped things along," he teased with a wink. Yeah, the thought of what he did still made his stomach twist with guilt, but he could find a way to joke about it now.
"You definitely made it memorable." Autumn said, happy to get the bright side out of that at this point. Especially with Brady turning out to be a good guy. She had very definitely needed to readjust her view of him, and she was happy to do it. "I found out what it was like to have the 'my hero!' moment. And she got to be one, and got rewarded for it." she said. "And I wasn't really damaged, so we are calling it good." she said firmly with a little wink.
Brady smiled as she spoke, but when she finished, his expression took a little more serious a turn. "Can't say I can really see us as being even just cause you got to have that 'my hero!' moment, or that I'll be able to actually forgive myself for doing it in the first place, but well... I'm two days sober, which doesn't seem like much but it's a start, and I'm working on it," he told her in a quiet, honest voice. He wasn't good at forgiving himself, and he had a feeling she'd been able to figure that one out already.
"Good for you." Autumn said genuinely. "I hope you can keep up with it, especially in this environment. It's already awful. I shouldn't drink either. I just...today seemed to call for it." she sighed. "And just know that I'm not harboring lingering feelings of anger or resentment towards you. We're good in my book. I'll be more careful, so will you, and I figure we'll be just fine."
It didn't sound disingenuine, so Brady just nodded once. "Yeah, can't say I didn't have the urge to get lost in a bottle of Jack, but I kept busy in other ways. I really wish they'd get rid of the fucking bar, though. This situation's crazy enough without throwing alcohol in the mix." Not that they wouldn't have been able to make their own brand of moonshine if they really got desperate for it, but that took a lot of effort. "Good to know. I'm sure we'll be fine." He pulled his arm away from her then, and rested his hands on his knees. "It's gonna be fine," he said, though they both knew there was no guarantee of that.
Autumn let that statement ride, looking into the water.