Autumn (autumn_ruby) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-10-13 14:42:00 |
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Entry tags: | autumn, autumn and mazie, day six, mazie |
unsettled
Characters: Autumn and Mazie
Setting: right after leaving the courtyard, autumn's room
Six days. Huh. Autumn had a point then, but that just spurred Mazie a little more. "Then we have to show that we aren't going to take this crap lying down. If they're trying to test us now, then we show them that we aren't just going to get pushed around by them. We show them that we are functioning members of a society that we choose to be a part of, not blind followers to some on-high law that they lay down."
Autumn said nothing even if she was getting steadily more upset as Mazie spoke. She kept walking, faster than usual, until they got to her room. Unlocking the door she let them both in, and she shut and locked it immediately behind them. She felt a little like she was going to burst, tension shot through her frame making her ache.
"How can you think we can 'show them' anything?" she asked, voice shaking just slightly. "Mazie, have you looked around? We have no power here. This isn't...this isn't you doing something from a safe distance, like you used to with your computer. This is right here, in the heart of trouble, and..." she trailed off, too upset to continue.
That stopped Mazie in her tracks. She turned to look at Autumn and tugged her closer into a hug by her hand, wrapping her arms around her. “Hey...hey....” Her voice was softer this time, calmer than out on in the courtyard. “You’re right, it’s not me behind a computer. It’s me here. And I know I’m not playing by their rules, but I think their rules suck and someone has to stand up for us, for our right to an opinion, or we’re going to lose it before we can even blink.” She pressed her head into Autumn’s neck, chin on her shoulder. “I don’t want to scare you, Autumn, that’s the last thing I want to do...and I’m really really sorry if I did.”
"But you're not standing up for your right to an opinion, you're outright trying to start a riot out there, getting people to destroy things." Autumn protested. "I don't like the way this has gone either, not even a tiny bit, but I just...I took a look around today, and saw this place for what it is. We are somewhere unknown, and all of us are trapped here. We have no one here who would stop any fight that broke out, there aren't guards, there isn't anything. Mazie, we're rats in a maze. And we are most certainly at our keeper's mercy. And you're deliberately provoking them!" She held onto Mazie tight, but felt like things were spinning out of control.
Ok, now Mazie was really confused. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to keep up with this, to make them know that they weren't going to push her around or anyone else here, not if she could help it, but Autumn was not happy and she was starting to feel guilty, like maybe all her screaming had gotten Autumn to this state. Which was probably really self-absorbed, but Mazie knew her screaming hadn't helped now. She was quiet for a long time, thinking that yeah, she definitely agreed that they were rats here and they couldn't leave, but she also wanted to let all the other rats know that they all still had a fighting chance to be more than rats…maybe.
"I'm sorry, Autumn," She started, not letting her go from the hug yet. "I just didn't want them to do this to us. I don't think it's right to make us go through with a punishment we didn't agree upon. I don't want them dividing us as a group…I didn't ever want anyone to think it was ok to put you in that thing. What do you want me to do? I'll do it. I don't want to lie to you, I think it's important that we don't shut up completely. I still think that we have to have some fight left in us or they'll strip that and everything else away before we can stop them…but I'll tone it down if you want. And try to be quiet, if that's what you want." Anything to just get Autumn to not sound so frightened.
"We're already divided. You saw it out there, Mazie. People split up. There were three groups. Two choosing a side and one on the fence." She'd definitely been on the fence. "So, they've already accomplished that. I don't know what I want you to do. I honestly don't. I just...I just don't want you to make yourself a target, and wind up in a worse situation than that out there." she said, making a vague gesture towards the door. She sighed, drawing in a shakey deep breath and she let it out slowly, letting Mazie go for a moment to walk over to the bed. She sat down heavily on it, feeling like she wanted to cry. "I don't want you to...to neuter your feelings or responses or...I don't want you to not be you. I just don't want to wake up tomorrow, and wonder what happened to you. I don’t want to find out what the ‘consequences’ are for not complying with their insane shit. I don’t want them deciding to make you an example."
When Autumn let go, Mazie stood still for a moment and tried to quell an oncoming headache left over from lack of water, bright sun, and hangover. She followed Autumn a moment later and knelt down by her legs, looking up so she could try and catch Autumn's eyes. "I'll find a way to have my opinions and try not to upset them too much." Between Autumn and Adam, she was already upsetting two of the people that meant the most to her so maybe there was something to be said for taking a step back and thinking this through first. For letting herself contemplate before reacting. "Autumn, I am so sorry. I promise I'll find a way to handle this that's better than just provoking them."
"I would appreciate it." Autumn said quietly. She looked down, searching Mazie's eyes. "I don't want anything to happen to you. And I'm just...scared. All of this is terrifying to me. And I was thinking that they said they were going to give us new identities...have we already been erased? What were my parent's told? Is anyone missing me? What exactly is the deal here? I just...don't know the answer to any of that, and the more I even think about it the more I think 'what if?'. Which I know is a bad thing to do, I know that, but I can't help it."
Mazie pulled herself up onto the bed and sat beside Autumn, wrapping her arms around Autumn’s middle in a hug again. She wasn’t ever really this open or easy with touching or hugging other people but it was just different with Autumn, especially after their recent night together. The fact that Autumn was so concerned about already being erased was spurring Mazie on more. She needed to get access to the outside world, she had to. If this was already going down, then she needed to be that lifeline for people here to know what other people in their lives were finding out. “We’ll find out, Autumn. I’ll work on it, try to find out what they’ve been told.” Once she had some sort of form of internet access, real internet access if she could manage to even get such a thing, then maybe she’d be able to ease some of this concern. She didn’t want to think about if she could get access to that, she preferred to think about when she might be able to and try to work towards it.
“What’s to say that even if they give us new identities, we can’t go back to our families anyway? I don’t like the idea of this whole new identity thing anyway...” She’d liked her identity, not to mention that she sort of wanted a chance to get back to her father and try to convince him he hadn’t failed at raising her properly, try to show him that what she was doing was helping those who needed it.
"I don't know. And that's what scares me." Autumn said. That was what all of this boiled down to. She had thought she knew what this situation was about, and she'd just had the awful realization that she knew nothing at all. It was terrible, on so many levels. She hugged Mazie tight, and said nothing more than that, just wanting to keep the blonde close and let her stomach stop feeling so queasy.
"We'll figure it out, Autumn," She said, though she felt like she was being really crappy at this comforting thing. She didn't really do it often and with the wind out of her sails regarding the anger-fueled need to poke The Man with sticks, Mazie wasn't entirely sure what to do. So she just sat there with Autumn and closed her eyes for a moment. "…I feel disgusting. Don't ever let me drink with Jun-he again….I went to go start my Korean lessons and he invited me to drink some soju yesterday and…god, never drink that stuff. Ever." Maybe they should change the subject? Because it seemed like between their general helplessness here and Mazie's real effective means of knowing entirely the wrong thing to say almost always, maybe just a different subject would work better for now?
"Want me to draw you a bath?" Autumn asked, figuring that might be a good way to go. Just...do something else. She could concentrate on Mazie, maybe later they could go look and see what they got in their tokens from the administration, but she didn't want to leave the room for a while.
Mazie looked back at Autumn and tried not to make a show of really thinking about this. She did want to take a bath, it sounded like a really nice plan, but she was kind of surprising herself with how much she also wanted Autumn to be in the bath. Or even just be in the room. After a moment, she told herself to get over the little nagging feeling in her mind that maybe it was too much and just said what she wanted to say anyway. "…Do you want to join me?"
Autumn really wished that that question came at a less horrible time. But in the end, she nodded. "Yeah, I do." she said quietly. They could get in, and maybe just be quiet for a while, be close. Something. Anything that meant she could stop feeling like she currently did.
Which was pretty much where Mazie's head was at anyway. Yeah, a repeat of their session earlier would be nice, but probably not when Mazie was still sure she smelled a little like booze and felt a lot like even though she brushed her teeth, she still hadn't gotten rid of that smell either. Standing up, she reached for Autumn's hand and tugged gently to get her to stand too, heading towards the bathroom. "I gave Reggie and Jun-he the notes…" She said, keeping her voice lower than normal.
"Good." Autumn said, swallowing down the wave of upset that accompanied the news. They'd just been talking about her poking the bear, and she didn't want to talk about her other transgressions. Not right at that moment. Instead,she got into the bathroom, then started drawing the bath, taking the aromatherapy bubble bath and she liberally dumped it into the rushing water. "How was drinking with ...what's his name?"
Mazie stood near the doorway, leaning on the wall as she watched Autumn. She was useless at baths and bubbles and salts and all this sort of stuff, so she was more than happy to just let Autumn handle them. "Rough. He's too good at it. He decided we needed to chase this..soju stuff with beer, worse decision ever."
There was still a lot about Jun-he she needed to figure out, including the history he'd given her. And sure, they could talk about puppies or fresh laundry or something nice that wouldn't remind them of any of this, but it hadn't taken long here for Mazie to realize that Autumn's opinions really mattered to her. "We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to but..I'm just curious. Do you think that maybe, sometimes, violence can be acceptable in certain situations?" Jun-he had unloaded some pretty heavy stuff on Mazie and while she remembered a great deal of it, what really stood out was his extremely violent past. Or at least extremely violent in Mazie's opinion.
Autumn considered that for a long moment. "I think sometimes it's inevitable, but inevitable doesn't mean acceptable." she said, starting to get her clothes off and she shut the bathroom door to let the heat start filling up the small space. "So, I would have to know what the specific circumstance was? But my gut reaction is 'no'."
For the first time, Mazie was starting to wonder if the things that Jun-he had said, he said to her in confidence. He hadn't mentioned not to say them elsewhere, but did that mean he would dislike her telling them? "Jun-he was telling me some stuff and I'm..not sure how I feel about it. Stuff about what got him into this place. Just another thing to add to the plate of stuff to think about here, I guess…"
However, there was something else there she could focus on, something easier to focus on and definitely something she'd much more happily pay attention. Autumn, getting undressed. She followed suit, thinking that yeah, she did want Autumn's opinion, but she kind of wanted to sink in the nice-smelling warm water with her more than talk about this stuff. "You know what? Not important..let's not..worry about that now. Let's talk about other stuff…I don't even know what kind of music you like best. Let's talk about that…" Something nicer, something she could justify talking about when they were both naked in a bathtub.
Autumn frowned a little, looking at Mazie again as she got the rest of her clothes off. "...if he was violent, and you don't know how you feel about it, and you're hanging out with the guy and drinking while you're at it, I'd say it's very important." she said honestly. Did she want to think about that right now? Not really, but that didn't quite matter, if things were making Mazie nervous. She definitely didn't like the sound of what had just been said.
"I don't think he'd be violent against me or anyone else here really…I just, he had a really shitty past and did some violent stuff…and I don't know that it's fair for me for me to judge anything, really, because I wasn't ever in a position like that. My family didn't get ripped apart from me that way…I'm just wondering if violence is what you knew at such a young age, then maybe it's…understandable that he reacted the way he did."
She really didn't want to be talking about this now, not with Autumn really naked, but she had brought it up. "We can talk about it later? Maybe now we don't need to talk about this kind of stuff…maybe we just need to try and get our heads back on straight first? With warm water and bubbles and baths." It was really hard to keep her focus on any sort of concern she had outside of this room when Autumn was there, full glory, and Mazie was steps away from being in a bath with her.
"Violence is violence. And if that is what he knew from a young age, that just means it's probably all the easier for him to resort to it." Autumn said. "Which doesn't make me feel better about you spending time with him while not on top of your game." she added. Autumn sighed and dragged her fingers through her hair, before she moved to slip into the tub. "Sorry, I know you want to relax, and just forget about things, but...how would you feel if you found out I was spending time with someone who might be dangerous?" she posed, holding her hand out towards Mazie to help her into the tub.
Mazie followed Autumn, settling into the tub and making sure she gave Autumn enough room, but being pressed up against Autumn in a tub was definitely a good way to turn the morning around. She watched Autumn for a moment and then reached up, gathering her hair and gently running her fingers through it. Her mother had been the only one to ever do this for her and even then it was only when she was sick, but maybe Autumn would like it now.
"Aren't we surrounded by dangerous people? We're all criminals and some of us had to be brought in for violence, right? I don't know, I really don't think he's a threat, just that maybe he made a decision I'm not sure I would have. I don't like many people…You and Adam, but I'm actually enjoying getting to spend time with him too. Maybe it's a lesson in us trying to work as a group or whatever, giving everyone an equal chance to turn over a new leaf if they want? At least he wasn't hiding it from me, at least he admitted what happened. He didn't have to. You're right, I wouldn't like it if I knew you were spending time with people here that might be dangerous, but apparently we all might be dangerous so I just..want to try and give him the benefit of the doubt here."
Autumn reached out to shut the taps off, then settled in again, liking Mazie playing with her hair. "I'm not dangerous." Autumn said. "And just because we might be surrounded by dangerous people doesn't mean we should just say 'fuck it, let's ignore the bits we don't like'." she continued. "I don't really judge people. Humanity is full of different circumstances, and no one person can ever truly know how another views the world around them, because everything's subjective. But honestly--do you really think taking the track of 'oh I guess we all might be dangerous so, whatever' is the way to go? That it means you should be less careful?" she asked, completely baffled at Mazie's logic on that. She couldn't follow it, even a little bit.
Mazie felt like she was floundering here. Was she not saying the right things? The last thing she wanted to do was make Autumn more upset. Continuing to play with her hair, Mazie frowned a little. "I don't know…maybe there's some good left in us. I'm not trying to go search out every single person here and obtain an extensive list of their past decisions, but I've met you and I've met Adam..and I just want to see if there's some good left in the other people I do meet. If this is supposed to be our home for now and not a prison…" Which it was starting to feel a lot stranger than just a non-prison environment," If we're supposed to be rebuilding ourselves...I don't want to be afraid of the people who live here, even if some of us are dangerous. It's going to make every day more stressful. Aware and cautious, maybe, but being afraid all the time is going to just…suck."
Autumn frowned, feeling hurt. "...good 'left' in me?" she asked quietly. It killed everything else she had to say on Mazie's words, even if normally she would have had a lot to say. But the blonde's phrasing just left her feeling like she'd missed a step. She didn't like the implication that she had good 'left' in her, like she'd been some monster previously. The circumstances were different. She'd never hurt anyone.
"What?" Mazie asked immediately, looking back at Autumn with wide, confused eyes. "What? No! No that's not…no, that's not what I meant. I meant…us, as a group of criminals, everyone else here in this place. Not you! I would never think you weren't completely good, because you are. You're the best person I have ever met in my entire life. Autumn, no! I would never…God.." She shifted a little, trying to catch Autumn's eyes. "I swear I did not mean that that way. Please believe me." How the hell was she managing to ruin an amazing, warm, beautiful bubble bath with gorgeous Autumn? How? Why couldn't Mazie just shut her big mouth and not upset Autumn, especially when doing that was the absolute last thing she wanted to do.
Autumn sat up, looking back at Mazie. The hurt was still there, even if she did believe her. That it had come out wrong, that she'd not meant what it had sounded like. She was quiet for a moment. "Mazie I understand the fundamentals of what you are saying. What I don't agree with is giving everyone here a free pass, when you saw that courtyard. There were people divided, and I heard what some of them were talking about. Possibly going and forcing people to do this. I can smile, and get along with just about anyone in the entire world, but it doesn't mean I would ever willingly ignore common sense about who people are beneath the surface, and my own safety. Or yours."
This was so not the way Mazie had expected this to go down. Right now she felt a lot like no matter what she said, it was going to be the wrong answer. She was quiet, listening to Autumn and really wanting to make a case for Jun-he, but right now she was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to voice it correctly, since apparently she was voicing everything wrong today.
"I understand," She said after a moment. "I'm sorry, Autumn. I didn't mean to upset you, really…" She really wasn't sure what else to do other than apologize. She didn't really go about the business of lying to anyone, especially not Autumn, and so she didn't want to say that she wouldn't ever hang out with Jun-he again or any of the other people here who might be considered dangerous here.
"You don't have to be sorry." Autumn said first, because she did believe that. She wasn't holding anything against Mazie. She just was very concerned about her attitude. In normal circumstances, she maybe even would have sided with her. But after today, she just couldn't ignore things. Not when at the very first sign of strife there was practically a mob mentality building, and in under an hour. It was terrifying.
Mazie nodded a little, scooting closer before she leaned in and pressed a kiss to Autumn's cheek. Maybe now wasn't the time for this, she never really was good at social situations, but she wanted to bring them back to where they were supposed to be all along, just enjoying each other's company in a warm, fragrant bath. "We can keep talking about this if you want," She started, looking back at Autumn. "Or I can wash your hair for you. Not that your hair is dirty or anything…it just might be nice." Something nice to take their minds off of everything right now.
Autumn knew that nothing was solved. That there were going to be lingering bad feelings, that things weren't going to magically get better, because they ignored them. But she also felt like they were at an impasse. So, she did what she knew wouldn't help in the long run, but might for the next few hours. "Let's come back to it." she told her. "You wash my hair, I wash yours?" she suggested, attempting a smile. And, for the first time, she put it on, instead of doing one naturally. But she of course pulled it off. Autumn was very good at giving people what they wanted.