All little blondes
Characters: Hannah and Becka Setting: Hannah's room, then the farm, mid-morning
As Becka made the trip from her room to the elevator, down the underground hallway to the other elevator and up to Block B, she tried her hardest to put thoughts of her quilt and home out of her mind. She was a little surprised that Hannah had messaged her to begin with, and she couldn't help but be curious about the other girl, about what she was doing in prison, but at the same time she just really wasn't sure she wanted to know.
She was beginning to realize that as much as knowing sucked, not knowing probably just wasn't the safest route to go.
Before long Becka found her way to room 40, and after taking a moment to steady herself and focus on Hannah and not all the racing, conflicting thoughts in her mind, she knocked.
Having been sitting at her desk with a pillow clenched tightly at her chest, Hannah jumped slightly at the sound upon her door. She had read the message sent back by Bekah but hesitated still as she stood from her chair. Approaching the door, she opened it only a crack and peered through. On the other side she saw a short blonde girl who was no doubt her anticipated guest. “Rebekah?” she questioned in a whisper.
Becka fixed a friendly smile on her face, pushing away her discomfort and worries about everything else and just focused on trying to be the friendly, happy person that she normally was. It was a little curious that the door opened only a crack, and she couldn’t get a good look at the girl on the other side, but she kept her smile in place at the whisper. “Yeah, that’s me. Hannah?” she asked, voice not quite a whisper but still soft so as not to startle her.
Biting her bottom lip, Hannah stepped back from the door and pulled it open. She stepped another foot back as the inertia continued to widen the crack into a properly open space. “I’m Hannah, yes,” she answered, trailing one hand up the opposite arm. “Thanks for coming.”
It was definitely awkward for Hannah, especially after the incident with Rusty, who was evidently right next door. She wanted to be less freaked out about everything like a worried kitten, but it was difficult. So difficult that she just couldn’t shake a myriad of jumbled memories warning her to take heed of her surroundings.
It would have been impossible not to notice just how anxious Hannah looked when she pulled the door open, but Becka’s smile remained gentle and friendly. “Well, it’s good to meet you. And, you’re welcome. Would you like to sit and talk for a little bit, or just get to looking around?” She really wanted to put Hannah a little more at ease, but she just wasn’t sure how to do that. Maybe if they talked for a little bit first, she could get her to feel a little more comfortable around her.
Hannah backed up more until the backs of her knees hit the bed. “Stay for a bit maybe,” she said, plopping down onto the mattress. “I appreciate you helping me out... by the way, why are you here?” Her question was rather blunt but she had to be sure that she wasn’t being deceived. There were always nice, kind people but their kindness was often a facade to hide something deeper and darker. Besides, if Becka was here then she had done something awful enough to land herself in prison. Then again, so had Hannah herself.
As Hannah backed up, Becka nodded and let herself into the room, hesitating only briefly before closing the door gently. She hoped that wouldn’t upset the other girl. “I really don’t mind,” she said, and while the rather abrupt question as to why she was here surprised her a little bit, she moved to sit down on Hannah’s couch, curling one leg under her as she answered. “I was a nurse, and the short story is that I helped a terminal patient commit suicide,” she said, though she would elaborate if Hannah wanted to know more. “And you?” she asked, though she really wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
Placing both palms on the bed, Hannah bunched up the blanket on top between her fingers. She listened to Becka’s words carefully, imagining clearly the sight of a blond female nurse slowly pricking her patient’s skin with a needle. In death, there is retribution, she heard echo through her mind. A familiar voice she had carried with her ever since leaving Nebraska. Hannah figured that there was no crime in giving relief to those already dying. It was almost a shame that Becka was even here.
Her head had turned slightly in thought, eyes going out of focus briefly until the unexpected question brought her back. “I....” she hesitated, clearly unprepared for being the subject of the same question, “I just....” What was her crime, really? She had been charged with nineteen counts of manslaughter but convicted on eight of them. Eight years on something she wasn’t even sure herself was a crime.
“I was an accessory to murder,” she half lied at first, but then her brow knitted. “No, I helped murder people. It was what I was supposed to do.”
When there was no real reaction to her own crime, Becka just continued to sit quietly, allowing Hannah as much time as she needed to formulate her own answer. She gave her a small encouraging smile when she seemed to have difficulty coming up with the words. When she finally answered though, Becka’s lips parted a bit in shock. Hannah looked so young, just a sweet little blonde girl, and yet she’d helped murder people?
Becka tried to contain her reaction, though she did lift a hand to rub over the back of her neck as she tried to figure out what to say in response to that. “What do you mean, it was what you were supposed to do?” she asked. It was very disconcerting that she’d said it that way, and though she didn’t like thinking it, it made her wonder if there might be a bit of mental issues going on there. Though why she’d have gone to prison and not a hospital if that were the case, she could only guess at without knowing more.
Hannah figured that what she had said may have freaked Becka out a bit. Maybe more than she was showing. “I didn’t want to do it,” she began to explain, “Not at first anyway... Well I never really did. I just began accepting that I had to do it.” Hannah began to feel a little confused at her own words. “This man,” her tone became softer, “He took me from my family when I was younger and when he was done with the things he wanted to do to me, he made me do them to others. Worse things. Eventually he got caught and they found me. Some of the families they forgave me, others never said a thing.”
Her eyes cast downwards, almost afraid to look Becka in the eye. What else could she say that made more sense than what she already could comprehend herself? She was forced and then she just fell into a habit that was forced upon her. Maybe she was to blame. She could have saved more if she really tried...
It took all of Becka’s control to sit there and listen with as open a mind as she could. Hannah’s words, that she’d murdered people because it was what she was supposed to do just kept going through her mind, though, making it so difficult. As Hannah began to speak again, though, she blew out a soft breath, hoping that that was true, that she hadn’t wanted to do it. She seemed confused, like maybe she wasn’t even completely sure of what she’d done or why, and as she began to explain more, Becka’s eyes went wide and she had a very strong urge to go wrap the younger girl in a hug.
Becka fought the urge, though, because with as skittish as Hannah had seemed from the get go, and knowing she’d helped murder people, she really couldn’t be sure such a thing would be received well. “Oh, Hannah,” she breathed, voice soft and sad for her. “How old were you when he kidnapped you?” It made her sick to imagine it, to think that some man had kidnapped a little girl and done terrible things to her and then twisted her into doing terrible things to others.
Hannah was used to people feeling sorry for her. She smiled a bit and moved her hands into her lap. A flash image of the last birthday party she ever had came to remind herself of the answer. “I was thirteen,” she replied, leafless branches moving across her vision and the sound of her own helpless screams in the background. “You get used to things,” she added, “Eventually you just get used to them and then when they come for you, even you’re not sure if you’re at fault anymore. So that’s why I’m here I suppose.”
Becka’s expression turned so sad and sympathetic at the answer. What had she been doing at thirteen? Cheerleading, hanging out with Lucy, joking about boys even though there was no way she would have been allowed to date for three more years. Just living, having fun, and her heart went out to Hannah that she’d missed out on all of that. She stood up slowly at those last words and motioned to the bed. “I’m going to come over there, okay?” she told her so that it wouldn’t startle her as she started to cross the short distance from couch to bed.
Becka settled sideways on the bed so that she was facing Hannah, one leg curled under her. “Hannah, did he rape you?” she asked directly. If she’d been thirteen, and she had to be at least eighteen now, then she’d suffered at least four or five years of abuse and that was concerning on so many levels.
Becka’s voice seemed to repeat itself in the back of Hannah’s mind, different familiar voices repeating the same question to her over and over. Her first reaction seemed to want to defend what had been done to her, but she knew better. Blinking twice to try and make sense of herself, Hannah looked over to Becka. “It wasn’t always like that,” she answered, “I remember it being really awful for a long time, but then it was okay.” Sure, it didn’t hurt anymore and it was bearable, but by definition it was still rape. Somehow she still managed to try and defend it, but she wasn’t quite sure if she meant to or not.
It was very difficult for Becka to imagine what Hannah had been through, to imagine how the abuse had somehow turned into something ‘okay’. There were things that she wanted to ask, but she held herself back from asking them, not wanting to insult Hannah or come of in a way she didn’t mean to. She reached over slowly, resting her hand on Hannah’s and squeezing it briefly before pulling back, not able to keep herself from giving some kind of contact, some kind of support. “You know... You do know that what he did was wrong, right? That anything he coerced you into doing with him is his fault, not yours. It’s what you do from here on out that truly matters,” she finally said, trying to apply some of what Cal had told her yesterday regarding Adam to this situation as well. She thought it fit some, anyway.
Hannah’s reaction was subtle, her hands tightening into fists as Becka came in contact with hers. She loosened enough to not seem unwilling upon the touch and then considered her words carefully. “I know that,” she said reassuringly, “It’s just... I don’t think I want to talk about it right now. Maybe you can show me around or something?” This conversation was better saved for a time when Hannah had a more clear mind and not one adjusting to another abduction. That was what it was, Hannah decided. At least it was in every way similar.
Becka let out a softly relieved breath when Hannah didn’t react poorly to the contact. She smiled softly, though it really didn’t reach her eyes when Hannah said she didn’t want to talk about it. “All right, that’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it. Have you looked around on the journal thing to see everything the administration - as they call themselves - have put up about this place?” she asked as she stood up and took a few steps away from the bed.
“Yeah, I read a bit and then I tried to go wandering to the courtyard but everyone was leaving so I just came back,” Hannah replied, getting up from the bed and moving into the bathroom quickly. “I saw a little bit of that farm,” she said while fiddling with a couple bottles of pills on her sink, “but that was about it.” Reemerging, Hannah popped two pills into her mouth and then dry swallowed. “Is there really a pool in here?”
“Ah, okay,” Becka said, glad at least that Hannah would know enough that she wouldn’t have to explain things about this place that she really didn’t even understand. She watched as she went to the bathroom, curious about what she was doing when she heard the telltale sound of pills rattling in bottles. She wanted to ask what she’d took, but she didn’t, figuring it would be too invasive. “Yes, there is. I haven’t gone swimming yet, but they just opened the pool up a few days ago, I think it was? I’ve been here six days, and I’m pretty sure that I’m part of the original group. I haven’t really explored over on this block yet, so we can see what’s going on over here before heading to Block A again,” she rambled a little bit as she crossed to the door, opening it and waiting on Hannah before leaving the room.
“Alright,” Hannah simply replied, making sure to pick up her room key from the desk before heading out, making sure to lock the door once Becka had made her exit. “It’s only been six days?” she questioned, feeling a little less tense now that she had someone to talk to that wasn’t freaking out about every little thing like she was.
“Yep, six days as far as we know. And things keep changing, and people keep coming.” And going. Becka was trying not to think about Dominic being taken away, or why that might have happened, so she pushed the thought away. “We have a clinic downstairs, between the elevators, if you need anything. Cal, he was a doctor before, and he’s good people. Very kind and level headed and smart. Anyway, he and I are going to be working down there. He’s still sorting things out and getting used to the place, so it’ll probably be a little bit before we get any kind of real hours set up or anything.” Hannah had said she wanted to know about the people here, so she thought she’d tell what she could without crossing over into pure gossip.
Hannah wasn’t at all surprised that there was a doctor in the facility. Had she been told there was none, it may have been more troubling. However the fact that there was the inclination that he was a doctor meant that there was no plans of any real medical care other than what they had to scrape up themselves. “What kind of doctor is he? Or... was he?” she asked, taking light steps in her walk as they moved farther from her doorway. The conversation definitely had alleviated her nerves in treading farther from her safe zone. As much of a safe haven her room was, anyway.
“General practitioner,” Becka answered. “He knows what he’s doing, though. I trust him to be able to handle any medical issues that come up. He’s already stitched up some busted knuckles - though that’s not something you need to worry about. There wasn’t a fight or anything.” She wasn’t going to specify that it was Adam or why he’d punched a mirror, as that would have crossed into the kind of gossip that she just didn’t approve of. “And I worked in a major hospital up in Minneapolis, rotating departments, so I’ve had a good range of experience handling different situations.” Which sounded a bit like she was trying to sell her abilities, and in a way she was because she wanted Hannah to feel at ease that she and Cal would have things covered as best they could.
“Ah, right, you’re a nurse,” Hannah said with a nod. At least they were somewhat taken care of. “So I guess there’s everything here then... even a place of worship,” she said nonchalantly. Her thoughts were still swelling from her earlier work in her journal. “What about everyone else here?” she asked a little quieter, “I mean, everyone in here is a criminal. They can’t all be victims or convicted of crimes for the greater good.”
Eyeing the farmland nearby, she stopped at the end of her sentence and turned. “Do you mind if we go in there?” she asked, pointing ahead a bit. Her grandmother had a farm back in Kansas, and even though she didn’t remember much of it any more, she still attained a sense of comfort from the idea of hiding in giant crops. Though the farm in the block was a far cry from any sort of real crops, it was still nice.
Becka nodded slightly. “Yeah, they’ve really provided quite the setup here, though I wouldn’t really call the spiritual a place of worship. I think it’s more just a quiet place people can use for whatever. Like, I mean, it’s not designed for any one religion, if that makes sense?” She really wasn’t sure she was making any sense, but she was trying. “Oh, umm, I don’t know. There’s a pretty wide range of types of peoples and crimes and stuff. Like Carmel, she was a professional chef/caterer, and I don’t think she’d mind me telling what she’s in for. She was attacked and brought charges up on the guy, only the guy got off, so she.... umm, she castrated him.”
Looking over at the farm area when Hannah turned toward it, Becka nodded. “Oh, no, I don’t mind,” she assured her, going ahead and moving in that direction. “I’ve never been on a real farm, but I’ve driven through farmlands. Not the most exciting scenery to drive through. I just hope there’s someone here who will know how to take care of this area, make sure the plants stay alive and stuff, cause I would have no clue,” she admitted.
Hannah unintentionally laughed at hearing what Carmel did to her attacker. She quickly covered the lower half of her mouth. “I hope it hurt him,” she said softly. Though she hoped it out loud, a small piece of her felt a pang of guilt. Would she hope the same of the man that took her away from her family and did all he had? If she were expected to come up with an answer even for herself, it wasn’t about to happen.
“I used to spend some time in the corn fields at my grandmother’s farm. It was lovely from what I recall. I think some day I’d like to have one of my own. A place where no one can find me, it would be nice,” she explained, finding the courage to move ahead a little from Becka. “I had three sisters and one brother, you see, so we would all run in there and try to find each other. Can’t say I miss it though,” she added truthfully. Her siblings just expected too much from her now. It was a burden in itself.
Although it probably wasn’t appropriate because she just didn’t think it was right to hurt someone, Becka had to admit that she agreed with Hannah’s assessment, and she did hope that whoever the man was that hurt Carmel was suffering for it. It was wrong that he’d got away with what he’d done, and as Carmel said, he would never be able to do it again.
Becka smiled at the memory Hannah shared, though it dimmed a little as she went on. She couldn’t imagine how overwhelming it would be to try to return to some kind of normal life, to her family after essentially having been brainwashed for several years, she was assuming. “Ahh, I see. I have three brothers, and I miss them so much,” she admitted. “We were always really close. I can’t imagine.... I’ve only been in prison for about eleven weeks, but it’s been horrible enough that I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have been torn away from them for years.” Though she was trying hard not to ask Hannah questions about that time, trying to respect that Hannah had said she didn’t want to talk about it.
“Did you grow up in Minneapolis?” Hannah asked, moving closer towards the apple trees. Though she had become different, Hannah could still recall what it was like living with a multitude of sisters and only one brother. She couldn’t quite imagine what life would have been like if all her siblings were brothers.
“I did, yeah,” Becka answered fondly, smile a little more natural. “God, I miss it.” She blew out a breath and followed Hannah toward the apple trees. “I love home. I really can’t imagine living anywhere else even though, well, we’re here and all. This doesn’t feel like home. It’s just... transition, I guess.”
Hannah nodded again. “It’s a big city,” she said, “I can’t imagine what it’s like. I’ve never lived in one. Brulingame, where I grew up, it was so small. Everyone knew each other... at least we thought we knew one another. I did like it though. Small places are nice. I guess maybe it’s easy too.” She picked an apple off the first tree as she approached it, and then offered it to Becka, unsure if she’d want it or not. There were still plenty to take anyway.
“I don’t know much of anyone else, and I’m not sure if I want to right now but....” she hesitated at first, “I’ll be your friend here if you’ll be mine.” It would be the first time in years since she really had one.
Becka grinned at that, thinking that it really was a big city, especially for Minnesota, and she really couldn’t imagine living in a small town. “I’ve never lived anywhere but MInneapolis, well until here anyway, so the small town life is a mystery to me. Most everyone’s really friendly and helpful and stuff there. Like we knew all our neighbors, and we’d do cookouts and stuff in the summers and all.” She was sure there were other places that were just as wonderful, but Minneapolis was home, and there really was no where else she wanted to live.
She looked at the apple blankly for a couple seconds until she realized it was being offered to her, and she took it with a grateful smile. “Thank you,” she said. And now that she had something to eat, she realized just how hungry she was, and so she took a bite of the apple. “I would love to be your friend,” she said honestly, smiling at Hannah. She had no idea what being friends would mean in this place, and she was a little concerned about where Hannah might be in her recovery from what not only happened to her but what she did as a result of it, but she wanted friends in this place, so she definitely wasn’t going to turn it down. “It’s a lot to take in here, I know. There’s still a lot I don’t know about the people here, and I know that I haven’t met everyone yet.”
“It’s a small place,” Hannah replied with a smile before turning to grab her own apple. She waited for Becka to bite into the apple before taking one of her own. It was a habit she would likely never drop. In the basement of her Nebraska home, she was never allowed to eat first and now she kept a watchful eye for an unspoken pass of permission. “Eventually, everyone’s dirty secrets will come out.”
She only took a small bite of her apple before looking up at Becka. “Thank you for being my friend, Becka,” she said with a smile. Her demeanor had changed, the awkward jumpiness subsided and an allure of poise began to flourish. Even her words were stronger, less meek and soft. “Have you made any other friends in here?” Apparently, she was full of questions now.
As Becka chewed her bite of apple, she pulled a face at Hannah’s words. “Most of the time I think I just really don’t want those secrets to come out,” she admitted when she finished the bite. She really didn’t have any huge, dirty secrets, she was an open and honest person, but she could guess that there were several people here with skeletons in the closet. Literally. It made her uneasy.
“You’re welcome,” she said, returning the smile. It seemed a bit silly to thank her, considering the circumstances, but she wasn’t going to say that. She could imagine how grateful she would be to have a friend in a strange place; she could because she was feeling that way toward some of the people she’d met here so far. “Oh, umm, I don’t know. There are a lot of people here that I’ve got on with. Like Carmel and Cal, but there’s Leandro and Adam and Kyle - and that makes it sound like I have a lot of guy friends,” she realized with a little laugh. “I’ve just seemed to run into them more. Autumn is really sweet, and there’s Mazie, too. She’s really intense and passionate, but that’s not bad at all.” She tried to think if she was missing anyone. “Oh! And Wren is... well, I wasn’t really sure what to think about her, but she seemed to really want to help. I was upset about something, and she did a tarot reading for me, but we didn’t really talk beyond that.” And now she felt guilty about that. She would have to try to get together with Wren and have a real conversation with her, and thank her again for trying to help.
Hannah couldn’t really relate to the thought of not wanting to know the secrets of others. Sure, there were things that she could go without knowing but when it came down to it, there were parts of people that just needed to be known. She took another bite into her apple as Becka continued, not wanting to offer her thoughts on those secrets.
She listened carefully to every word Becka spoke about who she had met. It seemed like she spoke with slight admiration. Like everyone she knew were just good chums to get along with. Did she really know them? Really? Well, Hannah wasn’t about to judge her or anything, but she was definitely careful about assuming the best out of people who had been here for a measly six days.
“I’ve only met Rusty before you,” she informed, “He seemed kind of weird.” Tilting her head, Hannah thought about the statement for a moment. “Actually, he reminded me of myself a bit. I think I freaked him out as much as he freaked me out. It wasn’t like he was frightening or anything just... odd and skittish. Apparently he’s right next to my room, too. Something about him though...” she trailed off briefly, “Makes me want to be around him. Not in any affectionate way or anything but I guess when you’re reminded of yourself it’s comforting.”
She was for the first time in a long while rather open about her thoughts. It was hardly new to her but if she spent too much time thinking about it, it might have really surprised her.
Becka didn’t know who Rusty was, but she figured that if he had the room next to Hannah’s then he must be just as new as Hannah. She listened as she talked about him, nodding slightly. It was interesting that Hannah had already managed to find someone who reminded her of herself. She couldn’t say she’d really met anyone who reminded her of herself. “Well, hopefully you’ll meet more people you’ll like here,” she said with a note of optimism. No, not everyone here were good, she knew that logically, but she really didn’t want to believe that anyone in here would do anything truly awful. She took another bite of the apple then, chewing it thoughtfully.
Using her tongue to pick a piece of apple peel lodged between two of her top teeth, Hannah took the time to soak in Becka’s assurance. “Maybe,” she said finally, swallowing the piece. It gave her a lot to consider. Everything they had already talked about seemed to stir up a few curious questions about the others in the facility. “Actually, I think I kind of want to head back to my room for a while,” she said, her expression a little off, “Maybe we can get together later and take a look at block A? I’ve had enough of this block anyway.”
Becka glanced at Hannah with brows that were a little creased, thinking that she seemed different than at first, and she wasn’t sure what to make of that. Had the skittishness been an act? And she really hated second guessing anyone, she hated that this place was making her do that. “Oh,” she said, surprised by the abruptness of that. They’d barely gotten away from Hannah’s room, but if it was overwhelming the other girl, then she couldn’t blame her for wanting to escape for a little bit. “Yeah, sure, just let me know. I’ll probably spend some time in the clinic today, but otherwise I don’t have anything planned. And really? If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask,” she assured her with a friendly smile.
Hannah returned with a nod. “Of course,” she said, “And thank you for everything. I’ll talk to you soon, I promise.” In all honesty, thinking about how many rooms there were and the potential in number of residences, Hannah was intensely suspicious of a few things. She knew better than to be so naive about each of them. There had to be certain people to watch out for. Dirty little secrets... everyone had them. Even the innocent are not cleared of all sins, a whisper reminded her as though spoken in subtly through her left ear. She turned her head ever so slightly in the same direction as though catching the words and listening.
She returned her sight to Becka and smiled. “I’ll see you later then,” she added.
“You’re welcome,” Becka said again, though she really wasn’t sure what all she was being thanked for. She hadn’t given her much of a tour, and she hadn’t told her much of the place, but she wasn’t sure she really had the energy to try to figure it out just then. “Definitely, yeah. See you later,” she said with a small smile. She watched Hannah head back toward her room for a minute. She really wasn’t sure what to make of this encounter, and she couldn’t be sure Hannah was mentally sound after everything she’d been through, but Becka couldn’t help but want to be there for her however she could.