Rebekah MacKenzie (beckathesweet) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-10-06 11:49:00 |
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Entry tags: | cal, cal and rebekah, day five, rebekah |
Can't stop the crazy
Characters: Cal and Becka
Setting: Clinic, very late morning
After leaving Adam, Becka headed down to the kitchen for some toast and coffee, keeping things simple. She ate leaning against the counter as she drank her coffee, cleaning her mug and washing her hands when she finished up. She was happy, happier than she had been the past couple of days, but the longer she was away from Adam, the more questions came back to her. There was still so much she didn’t know, but the one thing she did know was that she believed that he hadn’t done it, and that was what mattered most. Everything else she could work on figuring out as they went along.
She just really hoped she wouldn’t run into Dominic. She just knew she’d get a lecture from him about not keeping her word about Adam, and she really couldn’t blame him for that, but she just didn’t want to deal with that right now, not when she was so happy. She didn’t want to have to explain how she felt or why she believed in him so much. And she was thinking about all of these things as she headed back to the elevator to go down below to the clinic. The door was open, so she went right in, smiling at Cal.
“Good morning,” she greeted. “Well, I’m pretty sure it’s still morning anyway. I’m sorry I wasn’t down here earlier. I got a bit sidetracked.” And if her cheeks were a bit tinged as she spoke, well it could be explained by the walk down. Not really, but she could pretend, right?
Cal knew the score, or most of it anyway. He’d gotten the early tip from Dominic on the situation with Becka, the hang-up on Adam’s part, and the tension between them. And once he’d known? Well, Adam’s visit down here yesterday had made a lot more sense, as had Becka’s reactions during it all. None of it was good information beyond the purely technical sense that he was now informed, because really? It was a hot mess on a psychological level, on both of their parts.
And while he’d tried to prepare for it during the day, mulling over how to bring it up to Becka between his work for others in the facility, Cal knew there was no clean approach here. It was harder because he’d already engaged Becka on a personal level, for one, which was interfering with the clinical perception Cal needed, and past that he empirically knew that it’d be an awkward topic for her, no matter how ready Cal was. But he’d tried, at least, and for anything he lacked, his smile was as reliable as ever as Becka came in. “Out lookin’ over our new holdings?” he asked with a nod of greeting, “Or down at the gym? Rosy cheeks mean the blood’s flowin’.”
Becka shook her head at the first question and was about to answer when he followed it up with another. Her cheeks flushed a little deeper at that. “No, no I wasn’t in the gym or exploring. I definitely want to check out the new block at some point, maybe today, maybe tomorrow. You didn’t get my reply earlier, though? I was trying to work things out with Adam,” she explained, not even thinking that he might not see that as a good thing considering the brief talked they’d had about him after Adam had left the clinic yesterday morning.
Cal had seen the message, as it happened, but he’d wanted to see what Becka might offer as an explanation. And that one struck him as honest, which, added to her blush and enthusiasm? Added up to the kind of trouble he’d been asked to watch out for. “Must’ve missed it,” he said as he reached for the mouse of his terminal, clicking back to his private messages and nodding. “There it is. S’all good, though, you didn’t miss much. Jus’ me doin’ some blueprints, some lists of stuff I might need.” He had plenty to keep him busy, no doubt about it. Ideas for lung capacity strengtheners for Leandro, a few rough pages of pharmacological equations with varying weights fed into them, and buried among them? Odd notes here and there, his own private progress that Cal didn’t trust to enter into the terminals, not yet. “Everything go okay as far as you workin’ things out?”
Becka didn’t even question whether or not Cal was telling the truth, just taking him at his word. She figured he must have got caught up in doing stuff and just hadn’t seen her reply. “Ahh, I really have no idea what we might need that we don’t already have. A lot of that really depends on the individual needs, I would think.” And considering she only knew of a few of the special needs in this place, she really couldn’t begin to guess. She smiled a bit more at the question, nodding slightly. “Yeah. I think so, anyway. I mean, there are still a lot of questions that need answers, but we made some good ground today, I think.” And she really wasn’t meaning with the physical, but that too.
Nodding slightly, Cal was quick to gather up his things, stacking papers neatly and setting them by his terminal as she spoke. He didn’t want to decry Becka’s words, but Cal knew that nothing got worked out so quickly, unanswered questions or no. Maybe she was running on optimism, maybe the rush of brain chemistry that got triggered when people made connections with each other, Cal couldn’t say. “S’good to hear, I know Adam’s got a lot to work through,” he offered after a moment. “We talked ‘bout some of it when I first did check ups, you know?” That, just to see what Becka might give back, to gauge whether she’d take it as Cal knowing what he knew.
That was kind of an understatement, that Adam had a lot to work through, but Becka just nodded in agreement. She wasn’t surprised to hear that they’d talked about it some, not entirely anyway. After all, Cal had offered to give her insight into him yesterday. “I figured you had,” she admitted. She moved around to the other desk, sitting down on the chair. She had a lot of thoughts and questions going through her mind, concerns and such, and she wondered if she shouldn’t use Cal as a bit of a sounding board. “What’s your take on blackouts?” she finally asked. She knew what she’d learned of them, of course, but Cal had obviously studied far more extensively than she, and she was curious about what he might have to say.
It was a good question for her to ask, as well as an immediate relief just to know that Becka wasn’t turning a blind eye to everything with Adam, and it got a thoughtful expression from Cal as he leaned back in his chair. “Depends on the circumstances, really,” he said first, “There’s a whole host of ‘em, obviously, and the thing is that the terms a blackout happens under dictate a lot. With narcotic abuse it’s worrying not just for the personal risk, but for the possibility of whatever substance someone’s usin’ affecting their behavior during the blackout and leaving them with no clue.” That had been his take on Adam, for sure; it was entirely possible that he’d done exactly what he was convicted of, but that it had all stemmed from whatever he was using at the time.
“Head trauma’s a whole other story, though. I’ve seen cases where a memory gap’s linked to a traumatic incident and there’s no amount of therapy in the world that’ll set it right. Sometimes it becomes a persistent condition, and future episodes are a guarantee,” Cal continued easily, trying to keep from focusing on Adam even if he knew that was where Becka’s question stemmed from. “The brain’s a delicate thing, you know? With a lot of maladies, we can trace back how it happened, but there’s very little we can do to predict what comes next. Sometimes there’s preventative treatment for recurring cases, other times? The blackout’s always gonna be there.”
Becka listened quietly, patiently as Cal spoke. She didn’t doubt that he knew about Adam’s blackout, especially if they’d talked about things a bit, but she could respect the way he was talking to her right now, the way he was going through all the possible causes of blackouts. She nodded along with what he was saying, and when he finished, she stayed quiet for a moment, taking it in and considering what to say next. She hadn’t wanted to get into everything with Adam; she’d just wanted to ride the high of happy she’d felt again at the time spent with him this morning, but for some reason, she found herself talking about it anyway. Maybe it was Cal’s calm and level tone or friendly demeanor. Whatever the reason, it didn’t fill her with the anxiety she’d felt last night at talking about it.
“It was drug and alcohol caused, but I’m guessing you probably already knew that. He couldn’t say what he took.” Which yeah, that was pretty concerning, but it still didn’t convince her that he did what he was in for. “He... doesn’t strike me as predisposed to violence. Which, I know that when narcotics come in play, that doesn’t matter as much.” And considering he’d punched a mirror, she wasn’t so sure her opinion on that one would really stand up, but well, he’d punched a mirror not a person.
Cal nodded as if to say that he had known the causes, listening patiently as Becka spoke. Once again he could feel internal conflict, some blurring of the lines between caregiver for these people and someone who was supposed to be a friend. More, his objectivity was complicating it all, leaving Cal waffling over how much he should say, whether he should directly intervene, or if he should let things run their natural course. And really, he knew that last one wasn’t an option for him. “You’ve got that right, personality traits aren’t viable indicators of predisposition when someone’s high,” he confirmed with a little frown, sitting forward and resting his elbows on his desk. “But it worries you, obviously. Not just that, but everything with him in general. Kinda hard to miss yesterday. You mind me askin’ about that?”
Becka lifted one leg, hugging it against her body and resting her cheek against her knee. It wasn’t entirely a guarded position, more just her getting comfortable. She didn’t say anything when he confirmed what she’d said, but she did wonder about that frown. “Of course it worries me. There’s a lot that worries me. Not just about him, but everyone here, this program, and just everything. But, no, I don’t mind. What do you want to know?” she asked, because a general ‘what’s worrying you’ really wasn’t something she could answer cohesively at that point.
Cal smiled faintly at that question, one that any therapist could just run wild with if they chose. He wasn’t planning to, of course, but the flicker of temptation was definitely present. “I suppose I’d want to know what it is that’s got your interest fixed on him. I mean, we’re only five days in, right? And he’s a violent offender. On the surface it’s definitely unusual to see, and I’d be lying if I said I thought it was risk-free on your part,” Cal told her with a gentle honesty, figuring that he wouldn’t get far if he played this entirely neutral and non-judgemental.
Of course he’d have to ask that. It was one thing she just didn’t have a clear answer on. She didn’t know why she was so interested in him, and she knew that it just really didn’t make much sense at all. “It isn’t risk-free,” she began. “I know that. I don’t think he’ll hurt me, not like that, but I know that it’s possible.” She hadn’t forgotten that; it had just seemed that when she’d been with Adam, the possibility had seemed so slim it was almost non-existent. “As for what got my interest fixed on him - I honestly couldn’t tell you. I just...” She trailed off, thinking of the way she’d felt so calmed and steadied when he’d held her earlier. “I’m happy when I’m around him. I’m happy around a lot of people, but it’s different. It’s... I don’t know. I just feel drawn to him, and I don’t have a clear reason why.” And she really didn’t know how to explain it.
“I’d like to toss out some thoughts, and when I do? Please don’t think I’m passin’ judgment here,” Cal disclaimed, “I hardly know Adam, only a hair more knowledge with you to boot, and I’d like to hope we can all get along just fine. That said...” He needed the moment, slipping off his glasses and rubbing his eyes, lingering a moment to let his eyes relax before speaking again. “Has it felt at all like you’re happy because you’re helping him? Or because you get to connect on a personal level? I mean, those are both good things, they’re worth enjoying, but if either is the case then I think it’s good to be able to acknowledge it.”
He seemed entirely at ease in this, relaxed and settled at his desk as they spoke, and thankfully it was a small-enough space that Cal could still see Becka clearly. “I think it’s tricky for you and I in particular, Becka. Being here, that is. We both worked careers that had that reward with them, the knowledge that we could make things better for folks. And that same work tends towards getting to know folks, to connect with ‘em, you know?” Cal waxed thoughtfully. “Being locked up, having that taken away... it makes a new chance for it ten times as appealing when it shows up again.”
Becka nodded slightly. “Okay,” she said softly. If she hadn’t been open to his insights, she wouldn’t have encouraged this line of conversation. She waited patiently as he spoke and during his pauses, considering his questions, thinking about what he was saying. She didn’t answer right away, though, waiting to hear him out. He had good points all around, and she hadn’t even considered that it might be a factor. She shifted again, bringing her other leg up to sit Indian style on the chair and looking down at her lap as she tried to figure out just how much of that played into what she was feeling for Adam.
“I want to say that that isn’t that big a part of it all,” she began, looking back over at him, “but I think we both know that I can’t. I don’t know how much of it stems from helping or hoping to help and how much is connecting on a personal level. Helping people, it’s such an intrinsic part of who I am, but even before I knew what he was in for....” she trailed off, remembering a moment they’d had in the activity room. The guilt she’d sensed in him and that strong urge she’d felt to help in some way. Remembering that caused her to change the track of what she’d been saying. “It doesn’t lessen the rest, though, I don’t think. We talk and laugh and...” She flushed, but she couldn’t just keep her mouth shut. It was a flaw. “And there’s the physical attraction too, of course.”
“Of course,” Cal agreed with a slight laugh, keeping his posture non-threatening, encouraging even. For all that it seemed like a casual talk, this was worrisome for him; Becka was a trusting young girl who’d fallen for a convicted murderer. She looked like the victim, apparently. And from what he’d seen of Adam, there’d been neither time nor resources to get the younger guy the help he needed. Did that make him a threat? No. A risk? Absolutely. “That’s entirely natural, nothin’ to blush over. Hell, brain chemistry doesn’t give us much say when it happens even.”
He chuckled over that, feeling lucky overall for just how little romance had ever managed to interfere, not to mention grateful for the clarity it gave him now. “But it’s important to try and consider where the intrinsic qualities in you stop and your genuine attraction to him starts. In a lot of ways, it’s very easy to let the two bleed together and focus on the similarities between you instead of the conflict points,” Cal explained, idly cleaning his glasses on the hem of his shirt. “What happened yesterday with his hand, when you came back shook up? Can I ask just what went down there?” It had seemed abrupt to him, some obvious discord that had been too close to this moment and Dominic’s message.
It might have been an entirely natural thing, but Becka shrugged slightly at the reassurance that it was nothing to blush about. “Maybe, but before here? I did a pretty good job at avoiding it. I wasn’t... I haven’t been in very long, only about ten weeks before coming here.” Had she told him that already? Probably, but she couldn’t remember for sure. “But...” But that was long enough to crave affection, to stop avoiding what she’d avoided before.
Becka wasn’t entirely sure how to differentiate her drive to help and her genuine attraction to Adam, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to. Trying to be there for him, doing what she could, it made her happy, and she needed that little bit of happiness, that something good to focus on. “Right,” she said softly, non-committally. She tilted her head at the question, not entirely sure how to answer it. “Hmm, a lot happened,” she answered as she looked down at her lap again, obviously being evasive. She hated being evasive because she really wasn’t any good at it. “He was upset about something someone else said, and things didn’t go well.” She really didn’t want to reveal the part about looking like that girl, worried about receiving the same reaction Dominic had had, no matter how much calmer and level headed Cal seemed to be on the whole.
That was one hell of a non-answer, you didn’t need Cal’s expertise to know as much. It left him with an itch of curiosity, too, because whatever Becka was withholding would be hugely telling about both her and Adam. “Now, details would help there? But you don’t need to give ‘em if you’re not comfortable,” Cal assured her as he slipped his glasses back on. “Thing is, even without ‘em I can say that it’s worrying to go from that moment to this one. Clearly, Adam has the ability to get you upset when things go sour, and while I’m glad you’re better with it? You got to a good place with him pretty quick in the wake of yesterday, and that concerns me if you can’t even make eye contact when you avoid tellin’ me what happened.”
There was no way to keep those words from having some harshness, not if Cal wanted any results from them, but he was trying anyway. “It’s somethin’ I learned working the E.R. during residency. Folks who’re lyin’ about how they got there never break eye contact cuz they’re sellin’ the lie, the ones tellin’ the truth are focused on what’s wrong with them if they’re focused at all, and the ones who look away? They got somethin’ bad tied up between the words,” he explained gently, “I don’t want to be the one to ruin what you’re feeling right now, Becka, but this place isn’t straightforward and neither are the folks in it. If you just coast on it all, it could get bad.”
Becka glanced up slowly at the assurance that she didn't have to give details if she wasn't comfortable, a little relieved by it, but then he was talking again, and that really was starting to sound like a lecture, which was not even close to what she wanted right now. "Things... Things are better, but... But I know that there are still a lot of things to address there. I'm not blind to all that, even if I let us avoid it a little bit at points. We did talk about some things, but we're still getting to know each other, and I'm not gonna interrogate him about everything all at once," she said, tone edging toward defensive.
"And yeah, I'm a really crappy liar, I always have been. I don't want explain what was going on yesterday because I know it's not good. It's twisted and messed up, but," she cut herself off, pressing her lips together in a thin line as she rethought what she'd been about to say. She closed her eyes and breathed in a slow, deep breath, hand lifting to rub over her eyes. When she looked at him again, she was a little calmer. "I don't really know what to expect out of this place or the people here, but I can't just avoid everyone. I'm not going to just hide in my room because someone might hurt me or my feelings. And I'm not going to avoid spending time with someone who does make me happy. Which yeah, I know I was decidedly not happy yesterday, but... I don't see that particular situation happening again." And she knew that she was intentionally focusing on other parts of what he’d said to try to avoid him pushing on the what happened yesterday topic.
The reach for her eyes was all that was needed, even if tears didn’t form. It was screamingly clear that this was painful for Becka, and seeing that fact laid bare made Cal want to back off, even if he hadn’t really pushed yet. “It’s okay,” he said soothingly, head shaking at Becka’s distress, “I’m not tryin’ to push or lecture or none of that, an’ I’m sorry if it came off like I was. I just... you get why I’d worry, right? For you and about him? None of us knows what to expect, and that’s why I’m askin’ you these things.” Cal sighed quietly, hands folding together as he leaned in to rest his chin on them. “All we got in here is each other, the whole lot of us, and even if I still don’t know much about you? I know we’re gonna have to count on each other and look out for each other too. So when I do this kind of thing, it’s me tryin’ to help,” he explained patiently. “But if you trust him and you feel okay with things, that’s good enough for now. jus’ don’t be surprised if I end up buggin’ you again, just to see how it’s all goin’.”
There was no question that this wasn't easy for Becka, that in spite of being happy with the progress with Adam today, she still had a whole lot of conflict in her with the whole situation, with everything.She wasn't really scared of him now, not now that she knew a bit more of the story, but she knew that she couldn't fully write off the possibility that Adam did do what he was in for. She breathed in deeply again at his words, let it out slowly as she nodded at his pause. "Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry, I'm not usually so quick to jump to the defensive," she said softly, glancing back down at her lap for a moment.
"This is just... it's a tough situation all around, you know?" she said, looking back up at him. "And I'm trying to stay true to myself while also trying to cope with this situation that is so beyond anything I feel equipped to cope with. And then of course I'm trying to do all that without something that I've never been without before. It's overwhelming and depressing to not have any contact with my family, with my best friend, and so I'm just doing what I can, taking what I can get, finding ways to get through the sadness and still be me." She wasn't sure if she was making any sense at all, and she did feel a little more guilt at admitting that she was using Adam in a way for the affection and support that she no longer was getting from her family. It was simple enough to push the guilt away, though, because she did truly enjoy spending time with Adam, especially when the past didn't rear its ugly head and make things difficult.
Cal was quiet for a long moment then, slipping his glasses back on and regarding Becka thoughtfully. She was in over her head here, and likely had been since her decision to help her patient commit suicide. She was just trying to do what was right, the same as him. Or that had been the original intent, but with Adam involved things had obviously grown more complicated. “You’re just livin’ your life,” he finally said in agreement, nodding in understanding. “And in here what we get for life’s a strange thing, I get that. It’s better than the system, worse than the outside, but it’s all we got now. So... it makes sense, you wanting somethin’ normal, somethin’ worth feeling good about. It looks good on you, y’know,” he complimented with a flash of a reassuring smile, “Gotta say I like seein’ you have something worth grinnin’ about, but at the same time I don’t want to see you get so caught up in it that you land in a bad spot without knowin’.”
Sitting back with another sigh, Cal’s smile settled into place on his lips, easy and free as it had ever been. “I don’t get to make choices for you, Becka, never would’ve assumed I could. But I hope you won’t mind when I do this, because it’s never about me pointing out what you’re doin’ wrong. It’s me tryin’ to make sure that when we all walk outta here, you do it without any regrets holdin’ you back from the fresh start you deserve.”
Becka smiled faintly at that, just a small upturning of her lips that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Yeah, I am," she agreed as he nodded. It felt good, so much better than it probably should to hear him say that it made sense, and her smile turned a little more natural as he complimented her, a faint tinge of pink coloring her cheeks. "I don't want to land in a bad spot either, of course I don't," she said softly, but she knew that the situation alone, being in a closed environment with a bunch convicts that she wanted to see the best in but that she also knew that she probably shouldn't just trust blindly made it a definite possibility that things would go bad at some point. It was hard to reconcile in her mind.
"I... I don't really mind. And I know it's probably good that you do this, that you helped me look at things from another perspective. I guess I'm just feeling guilty and like I'm messing up or disappointing someone no matter what I do." She paused then, leaning back and dropping her legs to stretch them out in front of her, looking at her toes. She probably shouldn't wear her sandals down here, she thought absently. She'd remember that in the future. "Cause I talked to Dom about it all last night," God, had that only been last night? "and I told him I'd try to steer clear of Adam, but then I found out more of the story this morning. And I guess what it comes down to it, now that I know more, I really don't think he's that kind of violent. Maybe he did do it, maybe he didn't, but whether or not he ever remembers, I think it's always going to weigh on him, that he'll always feel guilty, whether he did it or not. And I think... Just between us? I think he needs someone to believe in him," she finally admitted. Now that she didn't feel quite so attacked for her feelings for Adam, everything else just kind of came tumbling out.
“I think you’ve got that right,” Cal agreed, remembering just how torn and wounded Adam had seemed during checkups, not to mention his sudden shift to hostility when he’d gotten stitches. Of course, in hindsight that made much more sense, but even still? It was a clear sign of persecution, and real or imagined, it wasn’t going to do Adam any favors in recovering. “And if he needs that, but there’s something in the air between you? If... if you feel like it’ll always be there, as long as he can’t remember what happened that night? Remember, and remind him: it’s what we do now that matters. Now’s when you’re taking this chance with him, and if he’s got any sense at all, now’s when he starts believin’ that things can be better than they were,” Cal advised warmly.
Becka relaxed with relief when Cal agreed without any kind of comment that it was wrong for her to want to believe in Adam, and she smiled just a little more. She nodded at the advice. "I have told him that, and I will again if I feel like he needs to hear it again, because you're right. Just because bad things happened in the past doesn't mean things can't be good now," she agreed.
She leaned forward a little bit, remembering something she'd wanted to bring up with him if she got the chance but had forgotten about in the midst of all of her personal drama. "Now, sorry to switch tracks, but I met Leandro yesterday, and I don't know if you've met him yet, but he had this weird cough. It might be nothing, he brushed it off as nothing, but it sounded pretty off. Not sick like a cold, but just... off."
He seemed happy enough to take the segue, not really sure what other advice he might give Becka without getting pushy or touching on things he’d been told in confidence. For now, Cal would just have to hope that her optimism could carry her onward, which seemed like a safe bet with Becka. “Yeah, he came down to the library when I did checkups, had a few things to go over,” he confirmed for her. “There’s some long-term damage he’s dealing with, soft tissue and respiratory mostly, but it’s hobbled his breath capacity a fair amount. I’ve been kicking around possible treatments to try and undo some of it? But I didn’t want to pitch any of it his way just yet.” not without the results of Leandro’s bloodwork to offer at the same time; Cal needed at least one concrete piece of good news before he’d offer up a vague ‘maybe’ the the rest of Leandro’s problems.
When Cal just took the change of subject without any negative reaction, Becka felt even more relieved and maybe even a little reassured that she wasn't making the worst mistake in the world by giving Adam a chance and believing in him. And so, she put it out of her mind for the moment, happy to focus on talking about Leandro now. She listened, nodding slightly and making a little 'ahh' sound when he explained. "Well, I can see why he wouldn't want that to get around. Hopefully you'll be able to come up with something to help. I liked him; he's got a lot of energy." And he'd given her a hug when she'd really needed one, which bumped him up pretty high in her esteem.
“I’m gonna try, I know that for damn sure,” Cal agreed, “I think if I didn’t he’d end up usin’ that energy to hang around down here until I broke down and did it anyway. May as well save both of us some time, hey?” He’d liked Leandro too, had been genuinely surprised by the earnest side of the other guy that lurked under his brash demeanor. That it had been revealed at all made Cal want to help, but knowing that he was good with Becka too? It just drove his motivation home. “Seems to be our motif around here, hey? Tryin’ with these people, just doin’ whatever we can to make things a lil’ bit better... glad I’m not tacklin’ this alone, that’s for sure.” If he could help Becka, she could help Adam, and in turn help Cal with all the others. It was a daisy chain of potential trouble, but that wasn’t going to deter him. Trouble never did, which, Cal realized, was why he’d ended up here in the first place. But here and now? He had no plan to stop.