Rebekah MacKenzie (beckathesweet) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-10-04 12:10:00 |
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Entry tags: | adam, adam and rebekah, day five, rebekah |
It was probably a mistake
Characters: Adam and Becka
Setting: Her room, late morning
Warning: Possibly a little nsfw
Breakfast part two with Kyle was actually nice after they made a plan to leave all the serious crap out of the meal. It wound up just being idle chatter about the standard stuff, listening to things the other had liked before their lives had been upended.
Adam had loitered with Kyle for as he could, avoiding his room because at this rate he was starting to think he wasn’t going to hear back from Becka any time soon, not if Kyle was going to look into whatever she might need and all that. When he did wander back into his room he was telling himself he wasn’t going to look at the messages, that there wouldn’t be anything there, but that lasted all of five minutes before he was logging in, clicking around to see that she’d replied.
After reading it three times he’d opened a reply box at least three more times, starting typing, shaking his head and closing it before getting up to pace around the room. It took two actual false starts at leaving the room before he finally did, telling himself that it would be better if he just talked to her in person. She didn’t understand everything, she didn’t get that he hadn’t gone to trial, he’d taken the first deal they’d put on the table. She didn’t understand that not remembering didn’t mean he was innocent, but it might mean something. He could talk to her about this, explain parts of it or just do something. Because yeah, doing something seemed to make a hell of a lot more sense than just talking in circles.
When he got to her door he pounded on it a bit too hard, harder than he expected and winced at the pain that shot up his arm. Should have remember that one was hurt, but it was too late now. He had an in and he wasn’t going to pass it up, not now. Wren had said something about that too hadn’t she? About not pushing people away. This was him not pushing Becka away. For the moment at least.
Becka had planned to go to the kitchen, to get something to eat and some coffee and go down to the clinic to help Cal out. She’d had every intention of doing that, but as soon as she clicked send, she’d found that she couldn’t make herself leave. Adam might not even go back to his room any time soon, but she wanted to wait a little while, see if he would reply. It had taken her a while to write that message to him, and afterward she clicked around on the computer, finding the standard card games to try to occupy her mind. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to eat anything anyway, and she didn’t think Cal would mind too much if she wasn’t down there first thing in the morning. Even so, she took a break from the game to shoot him a quick message.
She’d already played several rounds of the game and was starting to talk herself into just leaving already when there was a pounding on her door. She nearly jumped out of her skin, and she did jump a bit in the chair before standing up and going to the door. Her first reaction when she saw Adam on the other side of it probably shouldn’t have been to smile, but that was what she did. It wasn’t a beaming, excited smile, no, it was a soft, almost hesitant, but no less pleased that he was there smile. “Hey,” she said softly. She wanted to offer for him to come in, but she would wait to see what he might say first.
Adam was thinking about walking away, his back to the door when it opened and then he turned back around again, surprised to see her smiling. “I...I want to come in,” he said stepping forward, one hand on the door.
Becka took a small step back, opening the door a bit wider. “Come on in, then,” she offered, appearing far calmer than she felt on the inside. She was glad he was there, glad that he wanted to come in, and she was resolutely ignoring that very small voice in the very back of her mind that was wondering if this wasn’t the worst idea in the world.
Adam let himself in, closing the door behind him. He looked at her for a moment, watching her eyes for a moment. “Don’t...don’t say anything just yet.” He held up a hand then moved in closer to her. “I can’t promise that what happened won’t happen again. I’m not even going to try to. But...” He didn’t really have a plan after that, or where the words would go.
Although there was a lot she wanted to say, Becka stayed quiet, nodding mutely and staying right where she was as he came in closer to her. Her eyes stayed locked on his as he spoke, and when he stopped she waited a moment. “But?” she prompted softly. She’d said a lot already, in her message, and now? Now it was time for her to listen.
“But,” Adam drew the word out, not sure where he wanted to go with it still. “I want to be here.” That was what it boiled down to, not wanting to be anywhere, but right here.
It probably shouldn’t have made her feel so good, that answer, but it did. She reached for his hand, stepping closer to him. “Adam,” she began, voice still soft. “I’m confused about a whole lot, but this isn’t one of them. I want you here.”
He took her hand pulling her towards him a little more. “Don’t...don’t talk about about it. It’s just... just going to get messed up.”
Becka nodded in agreement, not saying anything just yet. She closed the gap between them then, wrapping her free arm around him in a hug and just resting her cheek against his chest for a moment. She didn’t care what it said about her that just doing that calmed something inside of her and made her believe that somehow things actually would be all right.
He slipped his hands into her hair, leaning into her more. He closed his eyes, trying hard not to get caught up in the swirl of thoughts in his head. There was way too much to think on, a none of it was pretty. A lot of it was explaining everything and he really didn’t want to that just yet.
She couldn’t say how long they stood there, just holding onto one another, and it didn’t make all the questions go away, but she really wasn’t worried about it in that moment. They could talk about it another time. Still, after a bit, she pulled back enough to look up at him, not letting go of him. “I want to know, but what I said before still stands. Whenever you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be here to listen.”
He glanced at her, not sure he wanted to do this now, but he wound up stepping back, untangling himself from her a little to pull her towards the bed. “Later,” he suggested. “Let’s do something else.”
Becka was a little disappointed when he stepped back, but she went willingly when he led her toward the bed. “Okay,” she said, more than happy to not talk about it right this minute. She was exhausted with dealing with that particular issue, and she figured it couldn’t hurt anything for them both to get a break from it. “Like what?” she asked, wondering what he had in mind.
He dropped so he was sitting on her bed hands on her hips as he shrugged. “Something distracting,” he offered, pulling her just a little closer.
Him sitting on her bed, his hands on her hips caused her stomach to do a little flip-flop, and she knew that she flushed a bit at his answer. “Hmm, so we’re back to distracting?” She bit her lower lip, hands lifting to rest on his shoulders, thumbs brushing little circles against his neck.
Adam watched her flush, smirking a little and nodding. He never did that to girls, normally it was the other way around. Girls making him blush while they did things he still didn’t understand why they wanted to do it. Hooking his fingers into her belt loops he guided her closer. “We are.”
It probably wasn’t what she should be doing just then when there were so many unanswered questions, when she couldn’t be a hundred percent sure she should trust him, but she let him tug her closer, arms shifting further around him. Without saying anything more, she leaned down and brushed her lips over his. Perhaps it was throwing caution to the wind, perhaps it would turn out to be the wrong decision, but it was what she wanted.
He hooked his fingers more in her jeans, pulling her closer, feeling like he actually needed that in that moment. The tiny kiss was enough to get him started tilting his head up more to kiss her back, with more force than she’d given him but he didn’t care.
Becka made a soft sound into the kiss when he returned it with more intensity than she’d given. It wasn’t quite the same as that first kiss, but it still seemed to muddle her mind just as much, and she returned it. The fingers of one hand lifted, pushing over the short hair at the base of his neck, hoping that he wouldn’t pull away like he’d done the first time.
Adam wasn’t stopping, not in this moment. His hand slipped his fingers along the skin of her lower back, under her shirt. He kissed her back, deepening the kiss.
Becka shivered at the feel of his fingers against her skin. She didn’t even realize what she was doing until after it was already done; as he deepened the kiss, she shifted, settling over him, knees on either side of him. But even when she realized it, she didn’t break the kiss.
That was actually exactly where he wanted her, slipping his hands up her back more and pulling her closer against his chest. He kissed her until he couldn’t breathe then ducked his head to kiss along her jaw, towards her neck.
It was all too easy to lose herself in the kiss, in the feelings coursing through her at it, and she wanted in a way that she knew that she was nowhere near ready to entertain. When he broke the kiss, she tilted her head, eyes still closed, a soft sound of pleasure coming from her as he kissed down to her neck.
He kept kissing her, thinking that the noise she gave him, that was definitely going in the right direction. Adam pulled back slightly, letting go of her to try and work himself out of the top shirt he had on, pulling it over his head.
When Adam pulled back, Becka made a soft sound of disappointment, eyes opening to look at him, wondering why. As he tugged his top shirt off over his head, the flush that had graced her cheeks before deepened. She wasn’t sure she was okay with clothes coming off, but he had another shirt on, and she very much wanted to kiss him again, so she wasn’t going to say anything. Once it was out of the way, she dipped her head down to kiss him again.
Adam slipped his fingers into her hair again, holding her there to kiss her harder, letting it take his breath away. He was more than fine with all of this, more than fine with more. Gently he sucked at her lower lip, biting it gently.
Becka liked the way his hand felt in her hair, liked the way he held her close, and she really liked kissing him. She gasped at what he did to her lip, everything disappearing from her mind but the sensations he was causing to go through her. Her fingers pressed against the skin of his neck, curling against him as her body pressed down and closer to him. Distracted? Oh yes, she was thoroughly distracted.
Oh that movement, the way she shifted against him, that got a little groan out of him, something eager and almost needy. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her against him more, needing to feel that between them too. His hands slipped under her shirt again, lifting it up more with his wrists.
Heat coursed through her at that sound he made, somehow surprised that she’d apparently done something to make him make that sound. She wasn’t quite embarrassed, but she suddenly felt shy and unsure about what was happening. But she liked the feel of being so close to him, of the way he was holding her and kissing her, and so she ignored those feelings. She would give herself a few more minutes of just feeling good with him. And with that thought, she kissed him deeply again.
The deeper kiss did the trick to distract Adam from taking her shirt long enough to kiss her back. He kissed her until he couldn’t breathe again pulling back and testing her shirt slightly, raising it a little, eyes watching hers.
Becka was more than a little breathless, the flush from her cheeks dipping down her neck and chest as he pulled back. She realized then that he was lifting her shirt a bit, and she bit her lip, willing her ability to think clearly to return to her. “Adam,” she whispered after a moment. Her hands shifted, moving back to frame his face lightly, and she pressed her forehead against his briefly. “I can’t think right now,” she admitted with a breathy little laugh, shaking her head slightly.
Adam laughed slightly, nodding his head against hers. “You don’t have to,” he reminded her, because he really, really didn’t want to think right now. He lifted her shirt a little more and ran his fingers against her back.
A small part of her wanted to argue, to say that she needed to think, that it was very important that she think this through, but then she was distracted again by the feel of his fingers running over her back, and she shivered a bit. “I’m supposed to,” she said, following it immediately with, “I think too much.” And for once in her life, she simply didn’t want to think. She just wanted to feel, to experience, though how much, how far, she wasn’t sure.
“Supposed to what?” Adam asked leaning in to kiss her jaw again. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to respond to her saying she thought too much or what he was supposed to say about it. He knew he did and not thinking sounded great.
“Think,” Becka answered simply, though the word came out breathy, and her eyes fluttered a bit at his lips on her jaw.
“Think about what?” he asked, against her skin, not stopping kissing her.
What was she supposed to think about? It was getting harder and harder to remember with the way his lips were moving over her skin. “Everything,” seemed like a good answer. Her hands slid down then, pressing against his chest as her mind fought between knowing she was supposed to be thinking this through and not wanting to think at all.
He kept kissing her until she pressed her hands against his chest and he took that a sign that she didn’t want him to keep kissing her. “Everything is a lot of things,” he said, looking up at her.
“I know,” she said softly. She was disappointed that he stopped kissing her, but maybe it was a good thing? Maybe she should be thinking this through. She lifted one hand, cupping the side of his face lightly as she leaned in to kiss him softly, briefly. “How are we doing on that whole distraction thing?” she asked against his lips, pulling back to look at him with a small smile.
He still had his hands on her back, shrugging one shoulder. “I wasn’t thinking about much else than this for a bit,” he said softly, leaning into her kiss. “What are you really supposed to be thinking about?”
Becka smiled a bit more at that, enjoying the way he leaned into it. She sighed softly at the question though. “It’s hardly gonna work for distracting if I talk about all the things I’m supposed to be thinking about,” she pointed out. “I just... I want to not think for a little bit longer,” she admitted, voice soft, cheeks flushing again.
Adam wasn’t keen on doing much in the way of thinking either, but he was pretty sure this was straight up avoidance on both their parts. “We can do more,” he suggested, tugging at her shirt a little more. “Whatever you want remember?” Even if they were avoiding? He was fine with that. It kept him here, not lost in some other memory he couldn’t handle.
Becka’s stomach was doing flips at that suggestion. “More?” she whispered, because even though he was tugging her shirt again, she wasn’t entirely sure what more meant to him. And she was thinking a bit clearer now, and she really wasn’t sure more was a good idea. “Yeah, I remember.” But what did she want just then? She wanted this moment without all the rest getting in the way and ruining it. Was that too much to ask for?
His fingers slowed against her skin, watching her eyes. “Yeah more, there’s...a lot out there to do. We kinda just skimmed the surface you know?” Another guy would have stopped asking and just done something, but Adam wasn’t exactly used to this, to making the decisions, never really. “What are you thinking?”
Flushing, Becka nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know, but...” But this was already more than she’d let herself do with anyone in a very long time. “You know I’ve never...” Yeah, he knew she was a virgin, but maybe he didn’t realize that she’d never actually done more than this. “I’m thinking that I really don’t want to think about the rest right now,” she answered honestly.
“Never...Never what?” That blush was deep considering how little he was suggesting and Adam was sure he was missing something. “What rest? Everything rest or just...what the ‘more’ is rest?”
“Adam, I’ve never done anything but this,” she admitted, one hand motioning between them, indicating what they’d just been doing. She slid off his lap then, shifting to sit next to him on the bed. “Everything rest. Everything we’re not talking about right now, and the more, too,” she answered.
Off his lap was the last place he wanted her to go, but Adam was helpless in stopping her. “Nothing?” he heard himself blurt as she pulled away. “No...no boyfriend you did anything with?” He let out a soft sigh, one leg bouncing slightly now that she wasn’t sitting on it, one hand in his hair. “What do you want to do?”
Becka shifted again at the blurted out question, flopping back to lay on the bed, her feet hanging off the end, her hands coming up to cover her face. “Nothing,” she repeated, the word muffled by her hands. She blew out a breath and slowly moved her hands, looking at his back. “No, I never let things go there, cause I... I didn’t want to just... I...” She let out a soft sound of frustration, rubbing her hand over her forehead. She knew why she couldn’t just come out and tell him why, knew that it was because she felt more than a little ridiculous for holding onto the hurt and worry about a bet from high school. “I don’t know what I want to do,” she answered, though she held a hand out to him, wanting him to join her where she was now.
“You’ve got to finish the sentence for me to understand,” Adam chided gently. He watched her hand for a moment then went with her, laying next to her, but staying propped up on one elbow so he could watch her. “What sounds...good?”
“I know,” she replied with a little sigh. She should just tell him, no matter how ridiculous it made her feel. “I was sixteen, and I was dating one of the guys on the football team. He was my first boyfriend, which was exciting, but one night after one of the games we went out driving. We parked somewhere, and we were kissing and all, and then he tries for more. Only I said no, and he got kinda upset. He didn’t keep pushing, thank God, but he spread a bunch of rumors about me. Then a few weeks later I catch one of my brothers pounding the crap out of him after school, which didn’t make sense, cause it had been a few weeks since we broke up, you know? No one would tell me why he did it for a while, but I finally got Andrew to spill, and he said how he’d overheard the guys in the locker room talking about how they’d made a bet about who would be the first to get me to sleep with them. And so many guys were asking me out that year, and I didn’t know if it was because of the bet or if they were actually interested in me, so I wrote dating off entirely for a while. I didn’t start dating again till college, and even then I was so focused on getting my degree, that I didn’t really even date that much then. I... Maybe it’s stupid, but I don’t want to just be a notch in some guy’s belt. I want it to mean something.” Once she’d started talking, it just all kind of spilled out, and about halfway through it she looked away from him, partly embarrassed and partly not wanting to see if he thought she was as ridiculous as she knew she was.
Adam hated thinking it but he was pretty sure that murdered whatever mood they’d had. He ran his hand over his hair and forehead then looked at her, trying to be understanding, since that was likely the right thing to do, but it was kind of hard. “So you...stopped dating anyone because you didn’t want to be some conquest. No one got a chance.” Which sounded even more cut off than he was.
Becka glanced over at him at that, frowning slightly. “Yeah, pretty much. Which is stupid, I know, and I hate that I let it get to me like that. I mean, I don’t usually hold grudges or whatever, but... This is a fresh start, right? I’m trying to let it go.”
“I wasn’t going to say stupid, just... sad.” Adam leaned back, looking at the ceiling. “No one wanted to date me. Ever. Not even.. yeah. So the guys you turned down, what if one of them really did like you? Seems like a waste.” He always wondered what it would have been like if someone had said yes, before Jeffrey came along. “You aren’t...you aren’t letting it go.”
As she listened, she frowned more, rolling onto her side to look at him since he’d laid back. “If they did, then I probably missed out on some potentially really good relationships. Because I was too scared of the what if. I’m not proud of it or anything. I know I wasn’t fair to them, but it wasn’t like I didn’t date at all. It just rarely... got past a third date. And I’m trying, but how am I supposed to just change the way I’ve been for the past six years? I want to, Adam. I’m trying to.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to be the guy,” Adam said, looking over at her. “You didn’t like any of them?” That seemed so hard to believe with her liking so many people. “You’ve got to trust someone. Stop...worrying about what’s going to happen and just enjoy it.”
“And you don’t know what it’s like worrying about whether or not you might start to like someone and end up in a situation where they want to win a bet so much they won’t take no for an answer,” she retorted with a little more bite than she’d meant to. She sighed, shaking her head slightly. She didn’t want to fight with him, not about this. “Yeah, I liked some of them, but whenever that would happen, I’d find excuses to end it. I’m not perfect, I don’t always do the right thing, and yeah, I feel guilty about it.” She looked at him for a moment at his answer, then reached over to grab his hand, tugging on it lightly. “I was enjoying it. I was trying not to worry about what was gonna happen.”
“Even after high school? Two years later?” Adam asked, watching her as he ran his hand over his head again. “Someone like you, who looks like you do? Some of those guys probably fell hard.” He would have in a different world. When she grabbed his hand he looked up at her, pulling at it. “What could happen?”
“I told you it was stupid,” Becka pointed out in a soft voice, glancing away. She knew it wasn’t logical to have used that as an excuse not to let any guys get close to her like that. “Maybe,” she agreed, feeling even guiltier at the thought. When he pulled on her hand, she shifted closer to him, rolling a bit so that she was practically laying halfway over him. “I don’t know. You were wanting my shirt off, and well... after that, who knows?” She didn’t know at what point she would have stopped things. Would she have gotten so caught up in it all that she would have slept with him? She didn’t know.
“And I’m pointing out that you have to realize that not everyone’s an asshole. That somewhere along the line you probably broke some guy’s heart.” Adam didn’t quite look at her when she rolled against him, but his free hand did play with her hair slightly. “Who knows...you know. I’m just not sure what I did wrong. Or what was wrong.” Or why laying here thinking about it had a new flush of memories floating to the surface. He’d never had much in the way of cuddling, maybe one or two girls who laid against him after, but he barely remembered the details of those hook ups. More than one just left. Maybe it was this part he was bad at.
“Are you trying to make me feel worse about it?” Becka asked in a small voice. She hated the idea that she might have broke some guy’s heart, but she couldn’t change it. There was no going back and doing the right thing. “I... Adam, you didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing was wrong, I just... hesitated. More scares me a little. It’s the unknown.”
“No,” Adam said shaking his head. “I was just...I don’t know what I was trying to do.” He finally looked at her, watching her. “What’s to be scared of? And...even if you are...aren’t all the things worth doing, the things that scare you?”
Becka let it go. If he wasn’t even sure what he’d been trying to do, she wasn’t going to keep on the topic. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I just know that it scares me a little. And I don’t know about all the things worth doing being the things that scare you, but yeah, I mean.... I’ve had fun doing other things that made me nervous and stuff.” It was probably a good thing that they were talking about this; it didn’t really feel like it yet, but it probably was. But she did find herself wishing that they would go back to not thinking for a little bit.
“Are you worried about something in particular?” he asked, feeling maybe he could clear something up for her. His hand slipped into her hair more, pulling her closer. “It’s not...I’m not that bad.” Or so he’d been told.
“No, not really, I don’t think,” she answered honestly. She smiled a little when he pulled her closer, not sure how much closer she could get without laying completely on top of him. “I... You mean?” She flushed, not really sure that was what he was talking about at all and feeling a bit embarrassed that her mind had gone there. “I don’t think you’d be bad at it. Me, maybe. I don’t know.”
Adam laughed a little. “Yes I mean that,” he said shaking his head. “You wouldn’t. Or well...” He felt his cheeks get warmer and he looked away from her. “No one would care. You’d figure out the rest as it goes.”
Becka felt no less embarrassed when he confirmed that that was what he was talking about, and she felt her flush deepen at his next words. "I... Yeah I'm sure I'd figure it out as we went along, but... I don't really think having sex to avoid talking about everything else would be a good idea, and that's definitely not how I want my first time to happen."
As harsh as it might have seemed, Adam was pretty sure notions about how someone’s first time should happen went out the window once they turned nineteen. Sure maybe they could have ideas and inklings, dreams and wants, but really? What was the point? It usually went the way his first time went, a drunken mess of arms and legs that ended far too quickly to want to remember. “I wasn’t suggesting sex to avoid talking,” he pointed out, feeling that was important. And while he regretted the question the moment he asked it was there nonetheless. “How do you want your first time to happen?”
Even though he said that, Becka wasn’t really sure that was true. This had all started as “something distracting” and didn’t that pretty much mean as a way to avoid talking? She didn’t argue the point, though, just shrugging a little. “I...” she began, but she paused, thinking about the question more before answering. She chewed on her lower lip as she thought. She knew that what she wanted most for her first time was simply for it to be with someone she loved and that loved her too, but for whatever reason, she didn’t really want to admit that. “Candles and rose petals and soft music,” she finally answered, joking softly with a little grin.
Adam had to wonder if she knew how obvious it was when she lied like that. He guessed she was making a joke with the form answer, but it was so obvious with the pause and the lip bite that she was hiding her real answer. “See you girls, you’re all the same. Fire hazards and torture for allergy sufferers,” he quipped.
At least he didn’t call her out on it, she thought with a little relief. She giggled softly at his quip, nodding against his chest. “Yep, exactly.” None of those things really mattered, but just then it was easier to joke about it.
“Maybe you think about what you really want and you let me know,” Adam said, letting the joke drop. He was quiet for a long moment, tucking one arm behind his head and looking at the ceiling. “What do you want to know?”
“Sure,” Becka said, though she couldn’t be sure that she would. It would either... happen, or it wouldn’t, and telling him just seemed like it would influence things. She was quiet for a minute at his question. There were so many things that she wanted to know, trying to decide what to ask about was kind of difficult. “I want to know,” she paused, biting her lip briefly. “I want to know what you do remember.”
“I remember...the party. The girl. She was watching me all night and she was too young for me, but I’m not really that picky. I remember leaving the party and taking her back to my room. Then it starts to go black.”
Becka listened, not really sure what to think about the whole her being too young for him but him not being picky thing. It didn’t sit quite right with her. “How... how old was she?” she asked, not sure she wanted to know the answer.
Adam wasn’t sure why that was important and he didn’t really want to answer it considering how much of her life had just been cut off. “Seventeen,” he said finally rubbing his face a little when he did.
“Oh. Well, seventeen’s not that bad, being too young for you, I mean. This was a few years ago, right?” It didn’t make what had happened to that girl any less tragic, but she did feel a little better knowing that he hadn’t hooked up with like a fourteen year old or something. “So then, at some point with her you blacked out?” she prompted.
Adam nodded. “Yeah, twentieth birthday,” he explained. She wasn’t that much younger, but still in high school which was where it got iffy. “Yeah I guess. I guess I don’t really remember much from those moments.”
Becka nodded slightly, and when he said he didn’t remember much, she stayed quiet for a moment, considering all the things she wanted to know still. “Okay, what about when you came to? You said you were drinking and you mentioned drugs - what did you take? How much time did you lose?” It wasn’t like she wouldn’t be able to understand how those things could have affected him. Even though she’d never done any of that, she’d worked in the medical field.
She might not mean it but Adam felt back in that stupid room the cops had put him in to ask him a million questions, all the same questions. Shifting away from her he sat up more, elbows on his knees, face in his hands, trying to catch his breath. “I don’t remember. It was my birthday. I was essentially taking everything put in front of me. One night of indulging and Jeff was promising to be there for me, in case I passed out or whatever. He knew what to do with the diabetes and such.” Adam bit his lip and shook his head. “I lost...days. Three? Four?”
When he sat up and shifted away from her, Becka hated the distance, and she wasn’t entirely sure what to do. As he spoke, she sat up as well, shifting to sit behind him, one hand lifting to press against the back of his shoulder almost hesitantly. The last thing she wanted to do just then was upset him. “That is a lot of time lost.” Not unheard of, but pretty extreme. She couldn’t fully grasp just everything he must have taken to have lost that much time. “What happened when you came to? Where were you and all?” she asked softly. She just wanted to understand, and she hoped that he knew she was trying to give him whatever support she could even while asking these questions she was sure he didn’t want asked.
The question sent a chill up Adam’s spine, feeling like he’d just walked into a very pretty trap. “Yeah I realize that. The cops thought I was full of shit,” he said with more bite to it than he wanted, but he couldn’t help it. “I got laughed at for being a pussy then arrested. And asked all these same questions about five times.”
Becka frowned at the tone, at the words he said. Not knowing what else to do, she moved her other hand, sliding it under his arm to wrap around him, shifting to press against his back as she hugged him from behind. “Cops aren’t doctors or nurses,” she said softly. “I don’t think you’re full of it.” Because she’d studied, even after college, she’d studied and paid attention at work, learning as much as she could, and so she knew very well what affect drugs and alcohol could have, especially when you added diabetes in the mix.
Adam wanted to relax into the hug, to feel like she was helping, but she wasn’t. He was in a trap wasn’t he? That was why this girl was here, acting like she liked him, to get him to tell the truth. “There’s not an answer you can sort out Becks.”
Her brows furrowed at that response, not really sure what he was getting at by that. “Adam,” she began softly, hand lifting to tap his jaw lightly, urging him to turn his head so that she could look him in the eye. “I know that with the blackout, there’s no clear answer. I’m just trying to understand. I don’t believe you have it in you to do that. Which, yeah, I know I’ve only known you a few days, and how well can you really know someone in that time, but...” she trailed off, not really sure what else she could say then.
He fought turning to look at her for a moment, but finally gave in, watching her, not saying anything. There was too much to say, truth sitting on the tip of his tongue, wanting to be honest, but how could he. How could he be sure it wasn’t a trap? “I can’t tell you more. That’s all I know. I took a deal the moment they offered one. Pretty good one because they couldn’t make the rest of the charges they wanted to file stick.”
“You... took a deal? You plead guilty even though you didn’t know what really happened? Why?” She wanted to ask about what other charges they wanted to file, but it didn’t seem important in that moment, it didn’t seem like what she should focus on.
Another question Adam couldn’t answer. Not with someone watching. Looking towards the ceiling where he’d guess the cameras were if they were being watched, he shook his head. “I just did Becka. Let it go.”
She didn’t want to let it go. There was still so much she didn’t understand, so much that didn’t make sense, but she just couldn’t bring herself to keep pushing when he clearly didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Okay,” she whispered. She ducked her head, pressed a kiss to his shoulder before slowly pulling back from him. She grabbed his arm, tugging it lightly as she moved back. “Hey, come here, okay?” she asked as she lay back down.
Part of Adam wanted to leave, to run away from this moment where he was being asked questions he couldn’t answer, but she was pulling him towards her again and he didn’t know how to do anything but go with her. Moving so he was propped up over her he waited, watching her, not sure what she wanted from him at this point, though he supposed there was something.
As he moved over her, she lifted a hand, fingers brushing over his cheek lightly. “We don’t have to talk about it anymore right now,” she told him. “But I hope that someday you’ll feel like you can tell someone, cause whatever happened after? You shouldn’t have to carry that on your own.” She liked that she could look at him properly, and she hoped that he could see the pure truth behind her words.
He shook his head slightly, wishing she’d just get it. He couldn’t tell her. “Hopefully.” The lie was clean, not discernible at all, but he’d been making the same lie for a long time. While he might be shitty at lying about being fine, he wasn’t bad at lying about this.
“Hopefully,” she echoed, smiling softly. It probably should have been a red flag that he wouldn’t tell her what had happened after he came to, but she just wasn’t thinking about that in that moment. “So... what now?” she asked, biting the corner of her lip.
Adam shrugged, silently relieved to see the conversation drop. “Do you have something else you want to ask me about?”
Even as she shook her head, a question popped in her mind, something that had been in the back of her mind since they’d been painting her room a couple days ago. “Are you...” She paused, licked her lips before starting again. “Are you only here with me because I want you to be? I mean... You said you’re not picky, that no one ever wanted to date you before, and...” she trailed off, hating the little bit of insecurity that had creeped into her tone.
She’d shook her head which had Adam guessing he was off the hook, one hand drifting back towards the hem of her shirt, lifting it up to trace circles on her stomach. “No. That’s...part of it maybe, but I’m not stupid enough to say no to someone who looks like you.”
Becka’s lips parted as a little breath of air pushed out at the feel of his fingers on her stomach. “I thought we’ve been over this? I’m not just pretty, I’m smart too,” she teased lightly. She probably wasn’t all that smart, considering how easily she’d let him back in, but she didn’t care. She believed he was innocent, and she’d never wanted to give up on him in the first place.
“Right of course that too,” Adam said with a small smirk. “Like I said. I’m not stupid.” He looked down at his hand, tracing the line along her waistband then drifting it up higher again.
Even though she still wasn’t completely convinced that it really had anything to do with who she was as a person, Becka was becoming far too distracted by his hand on her skin. She had no intention of sleeping with him today, but she liked the feel of his hand on her skin, and after all the heavy talk, she thought that maybe a little distracting was in order again. Her hand pushed back from his face, fingers trailing over the back of his head, and she pressed lightly, urging his head down toward hers.
Adam glanced up at her when she pushed at him, curious for a moment, but he could take the hint. Next thing he knew he was leaning in to kiss her again, hand moving to her side, somewhere around her ribcage as he pulled her towards him.
Becka returned the kiss, shivering as his hand moved higher. She wasn’t sure what he wanted, but she shifted closer. The fingers of one hand moving over his short hair, the fingers of her other curling around his shirt at his side.
That was essentially exactly what he wanted, her hands on him, her closer. He was really at a point where simple worked just fine and he deepened the kiss again, pulling her towards him more. The hand on her side moved up more with any real intent, thumb brushing against her bra.
She pressed closer to him, making a surprised little pleased sound against his lips as his touch went even higher. She should stop him. She didn’t want to be a tease, and since she knew that she couldn’t sleep with him right now, she knew she should stop him, but she just couldn’t yet. It was probably the last thing she should be doing, but that didn’t stop her from tugging his shirt up a little as she kissed him.
The sound and that she didn’t push him away was enough for Adam to keep going, shifting so his shirt lifted more, giving her more skin to touch if she wanted. His thumb ran across her once more, then he gently worked it under the lower band of her bra, grazing across skin there, this time on purpose.
Her hand was hesitant, far from confident as it slid lower, going under the hem of his shirt to the warm skin underneath. She gasped as his hand went under her bra, touching her in a way she’d never been touched before. Somewhere in a distant and getting further away part of her mind she knew that this was already going too far, but she couldn’t stop it, and she arched against the touch.
How long had it been since someone had touched his skin without the intent to hurt? Adam could probably do the math down to the exact hour, but for now he let himself just lean into her touch, encouraging what she was doing. He kept his thumb where it was, still touching her skin in slow motions and he broke off the kiss to move to her jaw and neck again, warm heated kisses against cool skin.
Everything he was doing was making it increasingly more difficult to think, but for once in her life, she was okay with that. She wanted to just stop thinking for a little while, to just feel, and she really was feeling so much in that moment. It was arousing, and she was trying not to be embarrassed by that, by the way her body was responding to his touch. She tilted her head, pushing it back against the pillow as he kissed her jaw and neck, her hand tugging his shirt up a little more.
He kept kissing her until he got to the neckline of her shirt, smiling against her skin a little as she tugged at his shirt. Pulling back, Adam shifted back until he was on his knees, pulling his shirt up and off. It left the site for his insulin pump visible, just above the waistline of his jeans, as well as the almost tiny series of puncture scars along his hips.
Becka watched as he pulled his shirt off, a nervous little thrill going through her. What was she doing? She pushed up on her elbows, one hand reaching out to brush over the smattering of tiny scars along his hip around where his insulin pump was attached. He was slim, but his muscles were far more toned than one would expect, and her fingers trailed up from his hip, over his chest lightly.
Adam was totally in control of the moment until she started touching him and then he half lost it. No one had ever had that sort of uninhibited interest in him physically, not enough to do what she was doing now. There’d always been that moment, where the girl looked him over and gave that nod of approval, but no one seemed so interested in touching him like Becka was now. Swallowing his breath he leaned back over her, one hand finding hers to press it flat against his chest before he kissed her again.
As he leaned back over her, Becka lowered back down against the mattress, more than happy with the way he kissed her again and the feel of his warm skin under her hand.
Now it was Adam’s turn to tug at her shirt, lifting it up more before his hand found its way up to where it was before. He wasn’t trying to rush things, but seriously, there was a long way to go from here to where she was so worried about and he was fine with covering some ground if she wanted to.
Becka moaned softly into the kiss as his hand returned to where it had been before, pushing up against him as if seeking more, though what that more was, she wasn’t entirely sure of. In a sudden wave of confidence and bravery, she leaned up, pushing him back a little as her hands reached down for the hem of her shirt, bringing it up and breaking the kiss only long enough to get it off and tossed aside before she was kissing him again. She wasn’t thinking about whether or not this was a good idea, only about how very good he was making her feel in that moment.
Adam gave her space to get her shirt off, grinning at her when she did. He really wasn’t stupid, no matter how rushed this might be, what she said about being scared of him, she wasn’t in this moment. His hand ran up her side, tugging at her bra straps and fingers ducking under the fabric, hoping he could get her to moan again.
Being scared of Adam, of what he might have done was pretty much the furthest thing from her mind. Becka was firmly rooted in the moment, and he was rewarded for his efforts with a soft sound of pleasure into the kiss as she pushed a bit more against his hand.
Right that was exactly what he wanted to hear and feel. Her moving closer got her what she wanted, him tugging at her bra more, pulling more of it away until he broke off the kiss, dropping it to her neck. If she was going to give him this? He would give her something back.
Becka didn’t open her eyes, just tilted her head as he moved to her neck again. “Adam,” she breathed, though she didn’t know what she was asking for. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that she should stop this, but she really didn’t want to.
Yeah that wasn’t going to stop a damn thing. Just his name there, something completely unheard of had him drifting his mouth lower towards the skin he’d exposed as he pulled the strap down her arm. He was slow, focusing on her, not on anything else that that wanted to flood forward, thoughts, memories and anything else. There was a girl here saying his damn name as he kissed her. The rest could wait.
As his mouth moved over her skin, she slowly opened her eyes, watching him. Goosebumps rose all over her as he pulled her bra strap down, and even though there was a voice in her head telling her that this was going too far, she ignored it, her hands lifting to brush over his arms and sides, encouraging him silently. She was nervous, but also excited about what he was doing.
Adam kept what he was doing, nipping slightly at the soft skin of her chest when he realized she was looking at him, glancing up to smile at her for an instant. He went back to working on her skin, pulling down the other strap to run his hand over her other breast. It wasn’t fast for him, considering they’d been at it for a bit and he was still mostly dressed, even if he was silently wishing he wasn’t.
She let out a surprised little sound at the nip to her chest, biting her lip and flushing. She’d... liked that, and she was a little embarrassed by that sound she’d made. She smiled back at him, though, shivering a bit as his hand went over her other breast. She debated for a half second just taking her bra off, but she couldn’t get her hands to move away from him, and so she waited, watching to see what he would do.
Adam chuckled a little at the noise she made, pulling her closer before moving up to kiss her again. “You’re thinking,” he said when the kiss broke off, still against her mouth.
Becka flushed at the.... accusation? Statement? Whatever it was, it was true, and she gave a little embarrassed laugh against his lips at it. “Sorry,” she whispered. “I... I don’t really know what to do,” she pointed out.
Adam pulled her close again, running one hand up her leg as he shrugged a little. “Do what feels natural.” He kissed her again, something gentler. “‘Cause this is kind of fun.”
At the feel of his hand on her leg, Becka was definitely not second-guessing her decision to wear shorts today. Natural? What was normal for her would be to shut this down a long time ago, but that wasn’t what she wanted to do. She returned the kiss, humming softly at the gentleness of it that was very different from the intensity before, but no less enjoyable. “Mmm, it’s... Yeah, I’m enjoying this so far,” she admitted, cheeks tinging, though she wondered if her flush wasn’t just permanent at this point.
He slipped one arm around her waist, rolling them a little so she was over him. “I say we keep doing this then. At least until we get bored.” One hand spread across her lower back and he kissed her again, guiding her against his chest.
Becka settled over him, her legs shifting to either side of him. “Until we get bored?” she repeated, tone skeptical before she giggled softly and returned the kiss, leaning over him and pressing against his chest. She didn’t really think they’d get bored, but then she was new at this, so what did she know?
He hooked his fingers in her bra straps, using them to hold on to her. “Or tired. Tired might come first.” Then he’d leave before he fell asleep. There was no need to wake her up with his nightmares.
She giggled again, shaking her head at that. “Yeah, it might. I didn’t sleep very well last night,” she admitted. “And... I didn’t get any coffee or food cause... Well, I got distracted when I went down earlier.”
“I don’t usually sleep so we’re even.” He smiled at the little giggle, rubbing his nose against hers, feeling like this was too easy, too ridiculous, but he wasn’t about to move away from it. “Oh right. Distracted listening in on my conversation? What if we’d been talking about something you shouldn’t have heard?”
Becka smiled at the nose rubbing, finding it a cute and sweet affectionate thing that she liked very much. She flushed deeply at his questions, her smile turning embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to listen... at first. And if you guys were talking about something I shouldn’t have heard, then you should’ve been talking somewhere no one could hear you.” It was a thin excuse in her opinion, because she felt eavesdropping wasn’t right period, but she just hadn’t been able to pull herself away sooner than she had.
“At first? Then what happened?” Adam gave her a bit of a look then rolled his eyes. “Alright fine, public place whatever. All our interesting conversations happen behind closed doors anyway.” Which was half a lie, but Adam meant it as a joke. Mostly.
“Then... I heard my name,” she answered honestly. She pulled back a little, crossing her arms over his chest and resting her chin on them as she looked at him. “And then you were telling him things that... that I wanted you to tell me,” she admitted. She narrowed her eyes, looking at him speculatively. “Is that so? Been having lots of interesting conversations behind closed doors with Kyle?” she asked.
“And then you had to listen,” Adam said shaking his head. “You and I had what amounts to a fight. I didn’t think we were talking.” Nor had he been ready to say everything to anyone. It was Wren he told first, not Kyle, but Becka didn’t need to know that. “Maybe. Yes totally. Really good stuff. You’re missing out.”
“No, I didn’t have to listen. I knew I shouldn’t have listened, but I just couldn’t stop.” She felt guilty about it, and it showed in her expression and the tone of her voice. “You didn’t think we were talking? Even though I’d sent you that message last night? I mean... You didn’t know what happened after I sent the message; you didn’t know I was supposed to be staying away from you. So the last you’d heard from me was that I wasn’t giving up on you,” she pointed out gently, not at all accusatory. She wrinkled her nose at his answer. “Awww, I don’t want to miss out. You guys should let me in on the real interesting stuff next time,” she suggested, fighting back a smile.
“Yeah then I made you cry. Even if you did sent me the message after that,” Adam pointed out. “The making you cry part is grounds for ignoring me. And I thought you’d get back to me sooner with the message thing. Plus, you said you were supposed to be avoiding me. Or something.” Which he still wasn’t clear on the details about, but it probably didn’t matter considering she was half naked and laying on top of him. “Oh no way. This is like...bro talk. You can’t join in.” Especially not when it involved Kyle breaking down and looking like something Adam so desperately wanted to take care of.
“You... It wasn’t just about you, y’know,” she said softly, looking down at the stretch of chest in front of her arms that she could see. “I mean, yeah, I cried because of everything going on with you, but it was everything all bubbling up and over all at once. And I was confused and feeling hurt and just really alone. And... get back to you sooner? I didn’t even look at the computer again until this morning, and really, by the time I got to my messages, you’d probably already left your room. So, really, it didn’t take me that long to get back to you,” she pointed out, even if she did still feel guilty that she’d planned to ignore his message until she’d overheard his conversation with Kyle. She peeked back up at him, expression speculative. “Bro talk, huh? Okay then, I guess I’ll have to find interesting conversation elsewhere.”
Adam still had his fingers on the strap of her bra, running it through them while he listened to her. “Probably wouldn’t have cried if I hadn’t been such an ass.” Twice. He’d made her cry twice, which was probably the exact opposite of what he should be doing. “I dunno. I thought you’d be...waiting for an answer. I guess it seemed longer than it was.” He smirked at her slightly and nodded. “Yup. Can’t have our conversation. No girls allowed or whatever.”
Becka shrugged slightly, not saying anything because she wasn’t sure she could disagree with that. She probably would have cried eventually; she’d probably needed to, and it was still difficult knowing that it was going on six days since she’d had any kind of contact with her family. “I probably would have been, but Dominic came up to talk right after I sent it, and we went walking, and when I got back, I just... went straight to bed.” Because she’d been scared and hadn’t wanted to know if he’d messaged her back. “Ahh, the no girls allowed boys club. Yeah, I know how that goes. Three brothers, remember?” she said with a grin that was just a little sad, because it made her think of her brothers.
“Walking with Dominic?” Adam asked, rolling his head a little to the side since he couldn’t quite tilt it. “What was that about?” Running his free hand through his hair Adam groaned slightly. “Ah the brothers. Three people who would beat me up on principle for being in this moment.”
Nodding, Becka made a little affirmative sound. “He’s... he’s the one who told me that there was no reason not to act on my feelings in the first place, and we both had a lot of stuff on our minds last night, so we were supposed to be each other’s sounding boards,” she explained. “Though, he’d probably... Well, he’d have a lot to say about this right now, and none of it would be good, I’m betting,” she said softly. That groan made her laugh a little, and she nodded. “Yeah, pretty much. Mike probably wouldn’t. He’d be the lookout for David and Andrew.”
“So he told you to do what you felt like you wanted then took it back and wouldn’t be okay with this?” Adam said making a face, not sure what to make of that. “Oh good. Someone to play look out. That’s always fun. Been there done that.” Too many times to count and a bad memory welled up hard and fast. It was enough to leave Adam taking two shaking breaths, closing his eyes and trying to force himself to be here and not somewhere else.
“Only because,” she began, but she paused, pressing her lips together as she tried to decide the best way to word it. She couldn’t not be honest, especially since he’d asked. “Because I started in on my ‘lots of stuff’ with telling him I look like her. That didn’t really go over well.” His expression had changed, and she wasn’t really sure what to make of it. She wanted to shift, to reach out and touch his face or something to hopefully bring his focus back to her, but she remembered the other night, remembered how going to him had just upset him more, and so she stopped herself. “Adam?” she ventured gently after a minute.
He rubbed his face with his free hand, pushing away the memory of cold tile and bloody water before he looked at her again. His eyes were distant, but he was trying that much was obvious. “What did he say about that?” he asked, wanting her to talk about something that wasn’t the memory he was trying to forget.
Becka really didn’t want to be talking about all of this when it was putting that look in his eyes, but she knew that they couldn’t just avoid these topics entirely. “That I needed to stay far away from you,” she found herself answering simply and honestly.
That brought Adam back more as he frowned. “You’re kind of doing a terrible job of that.” Not that he minded and part of him wondered just why Dominic, who’d lectured him on looking like a target, would suggest such a thing, but he didn’t press that part yet. Maybe Becka would tell him.
She smiled very faintly at that. “Yeah, I know. I was going to. I was all geared up to just... avoid you. I hated it, but... And then I heard you and Kyle talking, and I came back up here and read your message. And well, I didn’t know as much last night when I talked to Dominic. But I’m glad that you’re here,” she said honestly, shifting her arms so that she could tilt her head to press a kiss against his chest, not wanting to actually move any more than that.
That didn’t quite make sense to Adam, like maybe she’d left something big out in her logic jump there, but again he wasn’t in the position to complain. Smiling a little he brushed at her cheek with his bandaged hand and nodded. “I’m glad I am too.”
Becka smiled at that, leaning into the touch. “I should probably go get breakfast and head down to the clinic soon,” she said regretfully. “But I just really don’t want to move,” she admitted. “And I already told Cal I’d be a little bit later in getting down there, because even though I told you in that last message that I was going down then, I... couldn’t. I waited this time.”
Adam frowned at that, not wanting to upset the little bit of balance they had. “If you have to I guess,” he said softly, not wanting her to go anywhere. Not when it could so easily swing things in a different direction all together. “Worked out well for both of us huh?”
When he frowned, she decided moving wasn’t such a bad idea, and she pushed up a little, leaning over him so that she could reach his lips, kissing him softly. “I’m not on any schedule,” she murmured reassuringly. Sure, she and Cal had talked about setting up a schedule, but she had a feeling he was going to be spending a lot of time down there, and until they got some kind of walkie talkies or something, she didn’t really feel comfortable being down there on her own. And she had told him to message her if he needed her for anything. “I think so,” she agreed with a soft smile.
Adam answered the kiss with something a little stronger on his end, drawing her in closer. “I say we keep at this for a little longer then,” he suggested.
Becka returned the kiss, feeling much more sure about it all than she had earlier. She laughed lightly at his suggestion. “Are you ever going to think we shouldn’t keep at this?” she asked teasingly.
“Oh, I see how it is,” Adam said shaking his head and moving to lift her off him. “You don’t think I can stop.” He was obviously teasing giving her a bit of a look while he was at it.
At the teasing, Becka found herself giggling, pressing down on his chest to keep him from moving her. “I didn’t say that!” she replied, voice clearly amused.
“You totally suggested it!” Adam said letting her win out even if he was stronger. “You’d just rather work. I see how it is.” She had no idea just how much of a slacker he was capable of being.
Biting her lip and smiling around it, she shook her head. “Did not!” Becka disagreed stubbornly. “Just implied that you wouldn’t want to stop. Not that you can’t.” She loved that they were teasing and having fun; it was what had first got her getting feelings for him in the first place. “No, for once I’d actually not rather work,” she said softly, honestly, dropping the joking for a moment.
Adam shook his head. “No, no way am I walking into that one. I know a trap when I see it. If I say yes I will want to stop you’ll be upset and if I say no you’ll be upset. Not happening.” He smirked a little then leaned in to kiss her again. “Good. You should feel that way. Told you.”
Becka tipped her head back and laughed at that before leaning down so that he could kiss her. She was comfortable and relaxed and somehow blessedly not stressing about everything, and it felt like precisely what she needed. Once they left the room, who knew what would happen? As long as they stayed right there, she didn’t need to worry about the rest. “You’re such a bad influence,” she teased lightly.
Adam wondered if she had any idea just how bad an influence he was, just what he was capable of being, but he didn’t say it. Instead he just nodded, tugging at her bra straps, smirking a little more impish this time. “Of course I am.”
That impish little smirk promised trouble, the best kind of trouble, she thought. “You are,” she repeated. “But, as much as I would love to just stay right here, I do need to get downstairs.” Miss Responsibility was coming out, and even though she pouted a little bit, she pushed against his chest to sit up before her hands lifted, thumbs hooking under her bra straps to settle them back where they belonged.
Adam let out a sigh, but didn’t fight her getting up again. “Alright, alright,” he said though he sounded bummed about it. He didn’t move though, tucking his arms behind his head and watching her dress herself again, taking a moment to enjoy that.
Yeah, he sounded about as thrilled as she was, but it had to be done. She moved off of him, glancing around for her shirt and finding his first. She picked up his plaid overshirt, considered it for a moment before tossing it on the bed and going to pick hers up and put it back on. His would be too long on her, she knew. “What do you think you’ll do today?” she asked curiously as she went to her computer to check if Kyle had got back to her.
[finished below]