Rebekah MacKenzie (beckathesweet) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-10-02 11:52:00 |
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Entry tags: | day five, rebekah |
Eavesdropping
Character: Becka
Setting: Just inside the cafeteria, morning
After she'd messaged Kyle back, Becka had decided to just log out of her account to avoid any more temptation to read that message from Adam. She felt horribly guilty about it. It wasn't in her nature to ignore people or to send someone a message like she'd sent Adam last night and then ignore them afterward. It made her feel like a horrible person, and even reminding herself that it was to protect herself in case Adam really was that bad of a person didn't make her feel any better about it. She sighed, pushing those thoughts from her mind as she slipped her feet into her sandals before heading out of her room.
It was a short walk to the activity room and elevator to take her down to the cafeteria. She might have taken the long way for the extra walking that was always a good thing, but she was hungry and wanted some coffee to clear away the lingering exhaustion from her restless night. Only as she reached the door leading out of the cafeteria, she spotted Adam and Kyle right outside the kitchen, and her breath caught in her throat. No. She couldn't see him right now, couldn't talk to him when she'd made her decision to stay away from him in spite of everything still being so very confused in her head.
Becka turned quickly to press against the wall next to the door inside the cafeteria, closing her eyes and willing them to walk away. She could hear them, and it made her feel guilty, made her feel like she was eavesdropping even though she tried to tune them out. She didn't mean to listen in, but she didn't know where else to go, didn't want to draw attention to herself.
And then she heard her name.
As much as she tried not to hear what they were saying, she couldn’t help but listen. She was only a little surprised to hear Kyle saying he'd like it to be okay with Adam if he talked to her, but that was mostly because he'd already messaged her to see how she was doing in relation to Adam, so the surprise was that he was asking after the fact. That, and she hadn’t realized that they were that close of friends.
There seemed to be two lines of conversation going, one which she wasn't sure she was following completely but she thought she could figure it out. Kyle seemed to be viewing prison as a way to atone for what he'd done, which made her curious about it, and she thought she might ask or even just look at that entry on Dom's journal again. Adam's response though, that she hadn't answered his message back, caused another wave of guilt to course through her. He was waiting for something she wasn't sure she could give him now, or rather something she was trying to convince herself she couldn't give now.
She found herself smiling faintly at the thought that Kyle seemed to want to refer to her as a friend but acknowledged it was still a bit too soon for that. She liked Kyle and did hope to hang out with him a bit more so that she could consider him a friend. She wanted to have friends here, even if they were all some form of criminal. That faint smile was wiped away by Adam's next words, though, and she frowned, brows furrowing as she considered it. He didn't know if he'd done anything? But he'd said... She remembered very specifically that he'd said that he'd done terrible things to that girl. Why would he say that if he didn't know?
Becka was wishing more and more that she hadn't sent that message. She hated feeling guilty about it, but there was no way around the guilt. She'd given Adam hope, told him she wasn't scared, and now that had changed. Now she was scared. But even as guilty as she felt, not just for sending that message but for listening to this conversation, she couldn't make herself move, couldn't alert them to her presence. Would they still be saying these things if they knew she was listening? They were having their conversation in public, though, not that that made her feel any less guilty. Still, she couldn't deny that she wanted to know the answer to that question, wanted to know why Kyle was worried, beyond the simple 'I talked to Adam' explanation he'd given her in that message.
Her lips parted slightly at Kyle's first words. The way Adam had described it to Kyle? She wasn't so sure she wanted to know how he'd described it to Kyle to put that slightly anxious tone to his voice. She shifted awkwardly, lifting a hand to rub over her face when Adam said he hadn't told either of them - what he hadn't told them she could only guess at. Perhaps it was what he'd said he would tell her eventually - what really happened, the whole 'more to the story' thing. As Kyle started talking again, Becka gasped, eyes widening a bit. A blackout that prevented Adam from remembering? He hadn't said anything about that. Everything he had said about it hadn't given her any indication that he might not remember what happened. It was a bit unsettling and made her even less sure about whether or not he was just toying with her.
Adam's response both helped and didn't. Why hadn't he just told her that the other night? Why had he said he'd done terrible things to that girl if he didn't remember doing them? The way he said he'd never hurt anyone before, well, she believed it, and it only caused all the thoughts and emotions to war even more in her. She didn't want to give up on Adam, but Dominic's words kept going through her mind. That just means he's good at what he does. Was believing him just going to get her hurt? She hated not knowing, and she hated questioning her thoughts and feelings.
Blackouts were serious, though. That he'd apparently drunk enough to have lost a few days of memory, as she couldn't think of any other way for him to have blacked out that much time, was unsettling. He could have done what he was convicted of. Alcohol made people do stupid and terrible things all the time. She listened, waiting to hear Adam's answer to Kyle's next question. She closed her eyes against a wave of emotions at his answer. How difficult must it be to not know? To have to wonder if you really had that in you? She wanted to go to him, to hold him and offer support, and God, just how messed up was she that she could still want to do that, still want to be with him?
Cal suggested a sleep study? Becka thought with curiosity and interest. It seemed Cal had discovered more than he'd shared, not that she was surprised or could fault him really, but it still did make her even more curious about her fellow residents. She hoped that Adam would let Cal do what he could to help, though. She worried about him, worried that he would fall apart before long without getting real sleep. She wrapped her arms around her middle, mostly to keep herself rooted to the spot, to keep from going to Adam. It went against who she was to do what she was doing, to ignore him when he was clearly suffering in all of this. Yes, Dominic had made her realize how real a possibility it was that Adam was just that sick and twisted, but as she listened to this conversation, she felt less and less convinced that he was. Whatever happened during those few days, she was having a hard time believing that he could have actually hurt that girl.
Becka was trying to remember if Adam had ever said anything about this Jeffrey person, but she couldn't, so maybe he hadn't. Still, she listened as Adam talked about his friend, trying desperately to ignore the guilt that just wouldn't go away because she knew it was wrong to just stay here and keep listening. Hadn't she told Adam that she would let him explain things when he was ready? So listening to him tell Kyle things that he hadn't been able to tell her yet was wrong, right? But it didn't stop her from imagining what it had meant to the boy who'd had no friends as a kid, to have this really cool guy want him around, to include him in those best parties and such. Which, maybe Jeffrey was the friend he'd lived with. She remembered Adam telling her about living at a place where 'those kinds of parties' were held.
Pulling a face at Kyle's next question, she couldn't help but hold her breath a bit, waiting for Adam's answer and not sure she wanted to hear it. She didn't think Adam was crazy, but how well did she know him really? And if he did think he was crazy... The silence was deafening, and she could hear her own heart pounding. Did he really have to think about it? Or did he just not want to answer? She blew out a soft breath when he finally did, closing her eyes. He didn't seem crazy to her; anguished, torn up at the possibility that he could have done what he was convicted of yes, but not crazy. What did she really know, though?
The conversation was quickly going down a route that made Becka even more uncomfortable with standing there listening, but where could she go? What could she do? His best friend had been a crazy criminal, the way Adam described it, and he'd had fun with some of the crimes they'd committed. Did it really matter that it stopped being fun when people got hurt? It wasn't a good thing. Yes, she was relieved that he didn't seem to have the violent tendencies, didn't like people getting hurt, but breaking and entering, theft? Those were pretty serious crimes, and they could have easily led to someone getting hurt, so how could someone think it was fun? She just didn't understand that at all.
And she really didn't want to hear anything else. She was confused enough as it was, and this was only confusing her even more. Why couldn't things be simple? She held her breath as she pushed away from the wall, moving as quickly and quietly to the elevator, not looking at the guys for fear that it would just bring more attention to herself. Don't see me, don't see me! she thought as she pushed the button. She was relieved when the doors opened right away, and she stepped in before they even opened completely, pressing the button for the second floor.
It was only a couple short minutes before she was back in her room, and she didn’t even try to resist getting on her computer, logging on and going to her messages. She had to know what Adam had said. She had to stop reading several times, rubbing her hands over her eyes and at her temples. When she finished reading she clicked reply. She had no idea what exactly she would say, but she couldn’t just ignore him.