The Truth Is...
Characters: Adam and Kyle Setting: Outside Kyle’s room - morning
Adam watched Charlie stumble towards his room, nodding as Jae followed after him, just to make sure he made it where he was going. Interesting that they got a guy before he even made it into prison, but Adam supposed there wasn’t anything that said that said they couldn’t. It just made things different. Gathering his dishes and Charlie’s glass, he cleaned everything up then started towards his room, walking across the courtyard towards the stairs he usually took, intent on checking his messages again, just to see if maybe Becka just wasn’t up earlier.
He didn’t get all the way to the stairs though, slowing as he spotted a familiar face coming out of his room. The whole kind of a blow off thing had been on Adam’s mind overnight when he wasn’t sleeping, but he was trying not to worry about it. Why would it matter? It was Kyle right? They were friends. “Hey,” Adam called, thinking of Wren’s advice to smile as he got closer, but didn’t need the reminder to remember to smile. “How you feeling?”
Kyle turned as he was addressed, giving Adam a surprised kind of smile. He tucked a flash of guilt at his message to Becka into the back of his mind. “Morning. I’m good - slept well. Which, I really needed,” he said. “How about you?” he asked, eyeing Adam a little. The man had not been in a good place yesterday. Well, really, neither of them had, but Kyle was less concerned about himself.
Adam’s eyebrow raised ever so slightly at that surprised look, not wanting to push Kyle too hard, but at the same time, Adam wasn’t used to catching people off guard. He was usually the one caught off guard. Titling his head back and forth a little Adam shrugged his shoulders. “Alright. Tired. Didn’t really sleep last night, but that’s normal. Hand hurts, but that’s expected.”
“Maybe next time you’ll remember to not punch a mirror. Or anything else, for that matter.” He paused and his smile turned into more of a grin. “Maybe you should take the advice you gave on the journals this morning - no hitting.... Okay, so for you it wasn’t a person. But I think the advice still stands.”
“Thank you for reminding me that I did something stupid, the throbbing hand really wasn’t enough,” Adam said, rolling his eyes a little. “And yes, I’m off hitting people for a while, but hey at least I didn’t punch some guy, who’d already hit someone else or something.” That had to be a step above things. “Where are you headed?”
“You brought it up first,” Kyle pointed out. “I’m headed to the kitchen to grab some coffee, and then I’m going to go for a walk. You want to come with? I’m making myself get out every day. Otherwise I’ll just become a hermit and stay in my room painting.” Kyle talked easily. He’d decided that the best way to approach whatever he had maybe sidestepped yesterday when Adam had seemed to be flirting with him was just to pretend it never happened.
Adam rolled his eyes again, this time a little more exaggerated, but slowed when he spotted the stairwell. There was a moment where he hesitated, thinking of the note that could be waiting from Becka but he wound up nodding. “Yeah sure, can’t let you go all ghost-like on us.” He smirked some and moved out of Kyle’s way, letting him lead.
“Am pale enough as it is - it wouldn’t take much for me to fade away completely,” Kyle agreed, leading them back towards the kitchen.
“Definitely can’t have that,” Adam said as he followed after, hands tucked in his pockets. “What are you painting today?”
Kyle shrugged a shoulder. “This morning I was gonna work on the piece I’m doing for myself, which - I’m not sure exactly what it’s going to be yet. Which is why I was going to work on it. This afternoon, or sometime, I said I’d see Leandro about teaching him how to draw. Or, probably better put that I’m gonna assess how good he is and decide where we go from there.”
Adam nodded along, watching Kyle out of the corner of his eye. “No idea what it’s going to be? Doesn’t that make it harder?” he asked. That seemed an odd way to do things. “Leandro...you’re going to...you sure about that?” Sure the guy seemed like he could be harmless, but he was a criminal and Adam wasn’t entirely sure he liked the way that Leandro looked at Kyle.
“I never know what most things are going to be until I really start on them,” Kyle explained, not seeming overly bothered by that fact. “I want something...” He inhaled deeply and let it out with a sigh, his gaze going soft for a moment. “Yeah. I’ll know it when I feel it,” he concluded, taking a moment, before addressing what else Adam had said. “And yes, I’m sure. He asked me, I said I would. We... Talked a little last night. Cleared the air a bit.” Kyle stopped and properly turned to Adam. “You think I shouldn’t.” It wasn’t a question, but Kyle’s tone suggested he would listen to the answer anyway. Which he would.
Adam had to bite his lip to keep from laughing at the little face that Kyle made when he talked about his art, not because it was funny, but that was sort of the go to reaction to just how into it Kyle seemed to be. Nodding a little he managed just the smirk until Kyle started talking about Leandro. “Talked or...talked?” he asked, not expecting Kyle to stop which meant he had to backtrack two steps to look at the other man. “And you aren’t okay with that,” he countered in the same tone, eyes on Kyle for a moment before he shrugged. “He seems like a loose cannon and...I don’t know what he has planned for you.”
“What makes you think I’m not okay with it?” Kyle asked, a little confused by the statement. “I’m not going to do anything I’m not okay with. And talked. As in, sat and had a conversation. There’s no dual meaning there - so you don’t need to go looking for one. As for what he has ‘planned’ for me, right now, having me teach him how to draw.” A little voice in the back of his head added in that flirting outrageously was pretty much guaranteed to also be on the agenda, but Adam seemed determined to dislike Leandro and Kyle didn’t much want to feed that since that small voice was also telling him that Adam’s reasons for that were also linked to the flirting episode that Kyle was ignoring, rather than the man himself.
“‘Cause you didn’t really ask me why I thought that,” Adam said shaking his head and rubbing at the back of his neck. “It’s Leandro, everything about him screams dual meaning. We talked to him for like five minutes and Wren thought we were a...thing. And Wren...kind of only sees what’s there.” That was definitely something he’d picked up during his chat with her. “Just trying to have your back Kyle. Remember? Maybe I’m just wrong.”
Kyle dialled himself back a little, realising that he was being unfair and reactionary. “Sorry. Thanks - for having my back. But - I think it’s going to be okay. Like I said. We talked. I kinda called him on a few things. Which - I don’t think he appreciated, but it made me feel better. I get the feeling that he’s just - he’s always going to be crude and flirty, but he’s not really expecting anything from it. Other that whatever I was to make of it. And I can deal with crude and flirty, as long as I don’t suddenly find myself half way along a path that I really don’t want to be going down.”
Adam watched Kyle for a moment, one eyebrow raised. “You do realize none of that made me feel better right?” he asked before shaking his head. “How are you going to know you’re not halfway down some path you don’t want to be on if you’re finding yourself there?” And what the hell path was that? Adam’s mind flew out of control and it actually took a long slow breath before he had it under control. “Especially if he didn’t appreciate what you said.”
“Because I believed him when he said he didn’t have any kind of plan or expectations,” Kyle said. It was possible he was naive, but that was how he felt about the situation. “You don’t need to worry - I’m not getting into anything with the guy. I’m not getting into anything with anyone right now. I’m just gonna paint and get on with things.”
“Who hasn’t lied about that?” Adam said shaking his head. “And I’ve said the same thing, ‘not getting into anything with anyone’ and then I wound up with someone’s hand down my pants...” He stopped and shook his head. “Which is too much information. What I mean to say is...be careful.”
Kyle gave him a flat look. “Do you really not think I can take care of myself?” he asked, with a tone that warned that the answer to that better the hell not be ‘no’.
Adam wasn’t afraid of the look, and he held Kyle’s eyes for a moment. “You know what I think. You’ve been clear that you can take care of yourself, that you don’t need me to protect you, but I don’t want to see you in a spot where you have to take care of yourself.”
Kyle shook his head. “I have this under control, Adam,” he said, levelly. “Put it another way - there aren’t that many of us here. I’m not going to write someone off just because he’s not the epitome of a gentleman. That would pretty much mean that I’m back at being a hermit, all things considered. Given that we’re all guilty of something. And, as the message from big brother proved today - they’re watching. All the time.”
Adam had an answer but something clicked in his head before he could say it. “Me too,” he said, stepping back and nodding a little. “You know, if you were going to avoid everyone.” He thought about that for a moment, that realization that Kyle was probably only speaking to him because he had no other choice, because Adam was a good person to align with more than anything else. Shaking his head a little he started walking towards the kitchen again, but slow enough for Kyle to follow. “Just keep a vigilant eye or whatever.”
“I’m not going to avoid everyone,” Kyle called out, then moved to catch Adam up. “I’m not avoiding people.” He shouldered Adam lightly. “I probably know more people than you do,” he said, jokingly. He refused to let yesterday rule his life or colour his opinions. He’d slept on it, and today was going to be a new day. Mostly. He’d deal with fallout later. After coffee. He could pretend with the best of them that everything was just peachy.
Still feeling raw about everything, about how he was starting to feel like he was trying to do something, to reach out and getting shut down, Adam rolled his eyes at Kyle before Kyle caught up and could see him. The contact though helped, and it had him looking at Kyle, obviously still a little cut up about something but not quite as hurt as he felt just moments before. “Probably true, because we’ve established the whole ‘you’re prettier and people like you more thing’ already, but I did meet two new people already this morning.” He nudged Kyle back gently and smiled more and this time after an instant or two it made it all the way to his eyes.
“Why do you think people like me more?” Kyle asked him, tilting his head to one side. And avoiding the ‘pretty’ of it all on purpose. “You mentioned that a couple of times yesterday. ‘Mr Popular’ and all. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything that suggested that was the case.”
Adam thought about it, tilting his head back and forth then shrugged. “I dunno. Not sure what there is to not like about you, while I’m sort of used to no one noticing me. Seems to balance out that way.” He moved his hands like the were scales, the one closest to Kyle coming up much higher. “And you never told me I was wrong yesterday...so there’s that too.”
“You seemed kinda... Upset, yesterday. I didn’t want to go into something that, honestly, isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. But - I’m not Mr Popular. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had friends and shit. But not the way I think it is in your head. How other people see you - that’s never going to be who you really are. And I’ve always believed that how you see yourself is more important than what anyone else thinks anyway. You’ve got to live with yourself, after all. Everyone else is just passing through.”
“You weren’t doing so great yesterday yourself,” Adam said softly, not accusing, just establishing that he hadn’t been alone in how he felt. “Still think you had more than I did.” Since he could count his on one hand. “You don’t...you don’t honestly believe that do you?”
“Believe what?” Kyle asked.
“The part about what people think about you not being important.” Adam slowed a little, honestly curious about what Kyle would say.
“Actually, I do,” Kyle confirmed. “If I can’t look at myself in the mirror, how can I look at anyone else? It’s the basis of everything.”
“Well that’s all fine and polite of you, but no one else feels that way. They might talk like it, but people judge everyone else all the time. I could think I’m fantastic, funny, and good looking, but if everyone else thinks I’m a loser? I’m probably just going to be a loser.” Adam had seen it first hand.
“...And if you believe that you’re a loser, then you’re definitely going to be a loser,” Kyle averred. “It’s one of those things - people might get down on you for confidence, but there’s nothing you can do about those types. There’s always going to be people in the world that try and take you down. But if you think you’re down in the first place? Then all you’ve done is do their job for them. Me - I’ve always wanted to like me. I haven’t always succeeded. I’ve done things in my life that have made it damn hard to look myself in the eye. But, I’m trying. And I’m gonna keep trying. Every day.” He looked across at Adam. “And that’s not just me being polite.”
Adam thought about it for a while then shrugged. “I used to like me more. These days... well you can’t look yourself in the eye and I broke my mirror.” Maybe Wren was right, maybe he was breaking himself.
“I’m learning to look myself in the eye again,” Kyle told him, a touch more quietly. “I’m learning from my mistakes and I’m atoning for what I’ve done. That helps. As long as I let it help. Maybe you should give it a go.” He stopped by the kitchen door and turned to Adam. He couldn’t ignore that little itch in the back of his mind. “I want to talk to Becka - make sure she’s okay. I’d - I’d like that to be okay with you,” he said, asking for permission, even as he made it clear he’d be going ahead whether he got it or not.
“Atoning for what you’ve done by serving your time or you have something else in mind?” Adam asked. “I’d give it a go if I thought there was something I could do.” He stopped when Kyle did looking over at him. “Make sure she’s okay with what exactly? She messaged me last night, but hasn’t answered me back yet.”
“By serving my time,” Kyle clarified. “And just make sure she’s okay - you said yesterday that she was scared. She’s... We’ve spent time together. I know - we’ve been here less than a week, so ‘friends’ is still a light term and everything, but... I’m worried.”
“I’m serving my time too Kyle...It just doesn’t feel like enough. Which is sad since some days I don’t know if I did anything.” He rubbed his face, looking at Kyle. “She said she wasn’t scared, in her note.” Adam ran his hand over his head. “Why are you worried?”
Kyle pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth, nervously, hoping that he came out with this in the right way and didn’t entirely screw it up. “Because... If you described stuff to her, the way you described it to me yesterday... I... You - didn’t come across so well.” Kyle would never come out and say it, not to Adam, not his real opinion on how the other man had come across. Not the depths of how concerned he’d been about the situation, nor the caution it had rooted in him since.
“I didn’t tell her what...” Adam jumped on, thinking of crime scene photos and nightmares and everything else until he stopped. “I didn’t tell you either. What...what are you talking about Kyle?”
Kyle looked pained. “I - five days or not, I think of you as a friend, okay? But - you kind of put it to me that Becka reminded you of a girl you killed, whilst you were in the middle of a blackout that meant that you couldn’t remember what you were doing. The way you put it kinda made it sound like... Well, like you weren’t in control? And - if you put it to her like that... Which - you said she’d said she wasn’t scared of you. So you probably didn’t, but...”
Adam took a deep breath and moved to lean against the wall, feeling safer with the concrete behind his back. “I don’t remember what happened. I...I remember hooking up with her and I remember coming to a few days later and...I’ve never hurt anyone before Kyle. And I’ve never found out if I have. So...yeah, talk to her. I don’t think she’s talking to me, she probably could use a friend.”
Kyle blinked. “Do you think you’re innocent?” he asked. He always assumed guilt. They’d all been found guilty, after all. The idea that someone might be innocent of a crime that they had been convicted of truly had not occurred to him before.
Adam shrugged one shoulder, not looking up at Kyle. He was watching his feet, replaying a memory he didn’t want to share, one that would explain everything. “I honestly don’t know. Some days. Others...others the nightmares feel more like memories.”
My nightmares are always memories, Kyle thought to himself, yet didn’t share. He didn’t want to get into that conversation. It wouldn’t go down well. “Is that why the doctor suggested a sleep study?” he asked, instead.
“Kind of. He was also thinking of helping me get rid of them. I don’t...don’t really sleep.” Adam glanced over at Kyle, wishing he could tell more, explain why Adam had just given up on knowing the truth, but Kyle was right. Someone was always watching. “I asked if it would help bring back the memories because I really like to know. It’s hard not knowing. Really hard. I waver back and forth between feeling like I don’t have that in me and wondering if maybe Jeffery rubbed off on me more than I thought.”
“Jeffrey was your friend, right?” Kyle said, knowing that was the case already. Adam had mentioned him before, and Kyle wasn’t about to forget someone named Jeff. He had had a friend called Jeff - definitely not the same person. His Jeff was dead, after all. “I take it he wasn’t a good guy,” he added, prompting Adam to talk more about it.
Adam nodded, leaning more against the wall while memories swirled around him. “Well, good’s relative right?” he asked, glancing at Kyle once, before letting out a little sigh. “Jeffrey was crazy. He hadn’t always been, he’d been that guy, the one everyone wants to be around. He threw the best parties, knew all the right people, you had everything you needed around him.” And for a short period of time Adam had lived a pretty charmed life. He knew it. He’d been reminded of just everything the O’Conners had given him when he was arrested. “When we got older though he got...well they’re all crazy. His whole family. He didn’t seem it, but I guess at some point it was there. Or I finally noticed it.” And at that point, what else could Adam do but play along and try and keep his friend out of trouble?
Kyle hesitated as to whether to voice the question which immediately rose in his head. It wasn’t the nicest, and he was being cautious - as much as he was also trying not to let Adam realise that. In the end, he decided to go with it. “Do you - you said you thought that maybe Jeffrey had rubbed off on you. Do you - think you’re crazy?” he asked, tentatively, hoping that he sounding caring rather than judging.
Adam considered that, head tilting to one side while he thought about it. It didn’t sound accusatory and it seemed like a reasonable enough question. Reasonable or not though it wasn’t exactly easy to answer. Rubbing at his face Adam tried to come up with an answer that didn’t make him sound worse, that didn’t let on to everything. “Before prison, no. Now, maybe not. Though I guess if I did it then yeah. I just...I can’t see myself doing that.” He looked down at his hands, and while his mind had supplied plenty of memories, he still didn’t know the feel, the weight of it and it was hard to think of himself as a killer.
“I’m sorry, I just... You said that he was crazy. And then you said he was rubbing off on you. My question - it wasn’t so much about what the fact is - more, what you think of yourself,” he explained, grimacing slightly.
“Not the same way. Not like he was. It was like he enjoyed watching people suffer.” Which wasn’t something Adam could get behind. Jeffrey would have laughed at a crying Becka while Adam, no matter how angry he was had been left feeling sick to his stomach.
“What of him do you think rubbed off on you then?” Kyle asked him.
Adam took a deep breath, standing up a little more. “If I did that...that’s what rubbed off on me.” He glanced at Kyle and shrugged. “If not then I don’t know. I never stopped him. Sometimes I even had fun with it.”
“Fun with it?” Kyle asked, his tone empty. He couldn’t help but connect that statement back to the previous one. That this Jeff had enjoyed watching people suffer.
“I got into trouble with my best friend. Sometimes even though you’re not exactly sure you want to be breaking into someone’s house and stealing things you do kind of have fun. And sometimes it went too far, people got hurt and it wasn’t fun anymore.” None of it Adam was proud of, but he also knew better than to try and stop his friend. That might have ended up worse. “You’ve never had fun doing something you shouldn’t?”
Kyle raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Course I have. Not that that worked out particularly well for me either, but back then - I didn’t know that.” And people had gotten hurt, and he regretted his actions more than he could say. “My story and yours - they’re different, of course. But I think we can both agree that the fun stops real fast when people get hurt,” he added, the smile disappearing from his face.
“Exactly,” Adam said with a nod. “I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I didn’t want to then.” Which was the sickening part. He’d never wanted to hurt anyone and in the end he might have.
“Good,” Kyle told him, a small smile returning. That didn’t touch the fact of the memory loss, but Kyle let it comfort him a little. He didn’t want to think poorly of this man he would prefer to consider a friend.
Adam managed a smile as well, something that didn’t quite make it to his eyes, but seemed to lighten the worry on his features. Pushing off the wall he moved closer to Kyle, bumping his shoulder against the other man’s again. “You were getting breakfast,” he reminded gently, feeling like maybe things weren’t fix, but there was more of the truth out there, even if it wasn’t all pretty.
Kyle didn’t exactly move away from the bump, but he didn’t return it either, his mind still on not encouraging Adam. “Yeah - I was getting breakfast,” he agreed. They were, after all, still stood at the kitchen door. “You joining me, or...?” he asked.
“Am I still invited?” Adam ventured, instantly worried that he might not be. That things might be more broken than he thought.
“Sure,” Kyle told him. “Of course. But - one rule. Neither of us are allowed to touch on anything serious. I think we’ve done enough of that for now. Just us. You, me, breakfast. And we’ll bullshit. Okay?”
Adam made a face like he was considering it before smiling a little more. “Alright then, bullshit. You got it.” He held out his hand so they could shake on it, brightness seeping back into golden eyes. Nothing serious was a good idea. They both could probably use the break.
“Then...” Kyle stepped back and gestured for Adam to enter the kitchen. “After you. Let’s have breakfast.”