Rebekah MacKenzie (beckathesweet) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-09-24 21:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | day five, rebekah, rebekah and wren, wren |
It's a guide
Characters: Becka and Wren
Setting: Spiritual room, early morning
Last night had been incredibly difficult, and when she’d left Dominic, Becka had gone straight back to her room. It was early, but with as emotionally spent as she’d felt, she’d had no trouble bypassing her thought of a stupid movie and just ignoring her computer entirely. She didn’t want to know whether or not Adam had messaged her back, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep from checking if she went to turn on a movie. So she’d curled up in bed and slept. It was a fitful sleep, her subconscious supplying images that had her waking several times, gasping and choking back sobs.
By the time Becka woke up this morning, the headache she’d got while talking with Dom had grown, pulsing relentlessly at her temples and behind her eyes. She felt so incredibly overwhelmed by everything, by the talk she’d had and the nightmares that had come to her as a result of it all. It was early, but she found herself tugging on a sweater right over her pajamas and leaving her room anyway. She didn’t care what kind of message the Administration might have left, she just needed some air. Her feet led her not out into the courtyard where air was abundant, but to the spiritual room just a few doors down.
It wasn’t like the church her parents had taken them to from time to time when they’d been kids, but she figured it was still supposed to be a peaceful kind of place, right? And so she slipped inside, settling down on the ground in front of a chair as she tried to sort out her thoughts on everything. Just then, though? The overwhelming thought was that she wanted her family, just to see them or hear their voices.
Wren had gotten up early as was her custom, and read what the journals had to say. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about any of it, but knew she'd not done anything wrong specifically, so she didn't try to 'confess' anything. In the end, she headed for a walk, ducking into the spiritual room to see if she could get a candle. She'd seen Mojo take a bunch, but there were some left when she'd last seen them. She stopped when she saw a blonde woman in there, and nodded to her. "Hello." she greeted. Though, after a quick look over the other girl, she abandoned her search of candles. "What's wrong?" she asked instead.
Becka hadn’t heard when someone else had come in, so she jumped when someone said hello, whipping her head around to look at the girl with eyes that were puffy and red and just a little too wide. “Hi,” she said a moment later than she probably ought to have. She was surprised at the question, but she knew she shouldn’t have been. She’d always been far too transparent with her feelings. “Everything? No, I’m just really missing my family right now,” she answered, and it was mostly true even if it didn’t ring with absolute honesty.
Wren walked over, and sat down next to the girl. "I'm sorry to hear that." she said genuinely. "Is there anything I can do?" she asked. "And, what's the rest of it? 'Everything' sounds overwhelming." She'd heard it before from people. Sometimes, events swirled around them and it was difficult to make heads or tails of anything.
“It’s just life, right?” Becka said with a small shrug, looking closer at the girl as she came to sit with her, realizing it was the same girl that had been at the bar with the guys the other night. “I don’t know. I don’t really think there’s anything anyone can do. I’ve just got to readjust my whole perspective on things, and that takes a lot.” She wasn’t sure why she was talking so much. She didn’t know this girl, and she would have thought she’d be exhausted of talking about it all by now. “The rest? It’s... I, well, I don’t know you, and not all of it’s mine to tell.” It had been different with Dom because she considered him a friend. Though why she wasn’t reconsidering that, she didn’t know. It wasn’t like Dom hadn’t done terrible things too, though she knew that thought wasn’t fair. She shouldn’t be upset with him for being the voice of reason, for telling her things she’d needed to hear.
"No, you don't know me." Wren agreed. "But it means I can be purely impartial." she added. "You sound like you need guidance." she continued. Then she took out her cards. "I could do a reading, see if that helps clear anything up, or gives you a direction." she suggested.
Becka bit her lip in thought. An impartial look at things? That thought appealed to her very much. “I... do?” Wow, did she really sound as lost and confused as she felt? She should probably work on that whole containing her emotions thing. She let out a soft surprised sound when Wren pulled out cards, recognizing them after a moment as tarot cards, her mind clicking away to remember the journal conversation about them. “I, well I’m not sure I believe in all that, but what could it hurt?” she said, only slightly hesitant. Would could a deck of cards really tell them?
Wren sifted through the cards, and pulled out the wheel of fourtune, then handed the deck to Becka. Standing, she walked over to sit cross legged on the floor, setting the wheel of fortune in front of herself. "Shuffle, thinking everything over that you want guidance with. Then cut the deck three times, put it back together, and hand it back to me."
Becka tilted her head as she watched Wren pull out a card and hand the deck to her. She took them, looking down at them as if she had no idea what to do with them now. “Oh, okay,” she murmured at the instructions. She started shuffling the cards, trying to be gentle with them and not bend them as she thought about everything that was weighing on her. Adam and Dominic and her family, what kind of future being in this place would bring her. Everything. And as she essentially listed it all in her mind, she felt increasingly overwhelmed by the weight of it all, almost dropping the cards as her hands started to shake a little bit. After a minute, she cut the deck three times, stacked it back together and handed it back to Wren.
Wren laid out the cards in practiced ease, then set the deck down and concentrated on the spread before her. After a few long minutes, she looked up to Becka again. As she explained, she pointed to each card in turn. "This first one is the six of wands," she said. "It's the card that covers you. Basically it represents the forces that are currently at work in your life." She gave Becka a bit of a sad smile. "As opposed to your current state of being, it's telling me that right now a huge force working in your life is optimism. Belief," she explained. "It doesn't say whether it's good or bad, just it's something that's heavily influencing you at this time."
As Wren laid the cards out and studied them, Becka stayed quiet, eyes flicking between Wren and the cards. She had absolutely no idea what they meant, but she knew that she was feeling utterly lost right now, and who knows? These things seemed to be pretty accurate in the movies, right? Though she should really stop relying on movies and TV to give her any kind of reference for reality. When Wren finally spoke, she found herself smiling weakly. Optimism, yeah. Normally she would have agreed with that wholeheartedly, but lately? No, she wasn't feeling very optimistic at all. She just couldn't see how everything would work out for good. She wanted to believe it would, but she just couldn't see it.
She pointed to the next card. "This one's what crosses you," she said. "It's the seven of wands, and it represents conflict in your life. This one represents a lot of uncertainty. There's a slow development of awareness for you, but right now things are murky." Moving ahead to the card beneath the first three, she continued. "This one's based more in your reasons for losing your way. Here we have detachment. Emotional distance, being cut off from things. That and really thinking things through." She went to the next card. "This is for your past. Events leading up to this. This says that there's been turning away from something painful, avoidance." she said.
Conflict and uncertainty? Becka found herself nodding slowly, trying to take in the things Wren was saying. When Wren moved on to the next cards, though, she felt a twisting in her stomach. Wren couldn't have known anything about that. It was just too true for comfort. How did these cards work, anyway? Had her energy or whatever really influenced how the cards had been dealt? It was an eerie thought, and not one she was certain she really wanted to consider right now when she had so much else churning in her.
Wren moved to the next card. "This represents your near future. Which is positive. There's joy, simplicity. Confidence could be a part of it all too, something that could come to the fore quickly," she said, giving a little bit of a smile. Though she didn't let it stay long, continuing her reading. "The next card, depends on your point of view. Some people view it as a representation of a higher power. Others the best version of themselves. I think of it as an influence in one's life that is unshakeable. It'll come into play, regardless of your point of view. It's an influence that will be felt, and keenly. It's a heavily important card. This influence is represented by the page of wands. With that comes strength, eagerness to go with it. There will be new projects to work on, throw yourself into. There'll be someone, someone positive, someone straight forward and who will keep no secrets from you. If there's a sexual component, it'll be innocent in nature, but present."
Becka tilted her head at the next card. Simplicity and joy? In the near future? That seemed unlikely with everything going on, but what if it could be true? Could things really get better? She wanted, desperately wanted to believe that they would. Her brows furrowed a bit when Wren started explaining the possible interpretations of the next card, not sure she really followed. New projects and work? That sounded a bit like maybe something to do with the clinic and Cal, but then Wren mentioned a sexual component, and she flushed, not really sure how that could come into play. But the thought of someone in her life now, here, someone who would be positive and straightforward and wouldn't keep secrets from her? That was a thought she clung to almost desperately. In her mind, that described Lucy perfectly, and she missed her best friend more than she could say.
Wren moved ahead once more. "The knight of wands here represents fears and conflicts. This one's a little odd, because usually it stands for something good, only in your case at the moment, it's getting treated as something causing strife. It's a person who's courageous, with high virtues, headstrong, but full of belief. Someone idealistic," she said. "Past that, we have the three of pentacles, reversed, which represents outside influences, friends, society, things of that nature," Wren said. "This one's a bit troubling. It represents mediocrity, failure to work with others, disharmony in general." She looked up at Becka. "Something isn't fitting in right with you, things are jarring when they aren't meant to be. Your support should be something that aids you, not trips you up." Shaking her head, Wren moved forward. "Next we have the star, which represents hopes and ideals, as well as a path you should seek to follow, in order to gain what you want out of things. This is about being open, having hope. It's about sacrifice, and sharing your feelings."
Becka's brows furrowed deeper when Wren explained the knight of wands. If it didn't normally stand for that, then why was it here and now? But as she continued to explain, she found herself asking herself who she knew that was headstrong and such that was causing strife for her? She didn't really have to think on it too hard. Dominic was the only one coming to mind. No matter how right he'd been or how much she'd needed to hear the things he'd been saying, she wouldn't be this conflicted and mixed up inside if it hadn't been for her talk with him last night.
She wanted to ask Wren to wait, to not move forward and to explain that whole mediocrity thing some more, but she was already moving on, and she mentally tried to catch up. Being open and having hope? What was that supposed to be about? This program or Adam or what? Sacrifice? She'd already sacrificed everything, what more was she supposed to give up?
Wren pointed to the final card. "This is the end. The outcome. The knight of pentacles, reversed. This card tells me in the end, you're going to compromise. You're going to be able to look at situations more realistically and clearly, and you won't be able to sway things to one extreme or another. You'll have to find a middle ground, a waystation between." Falling silent, Wren allowed Becka to let that all sink in.
Compromise. Becka had always been good at compromising, but what she didn't know was what she should compromise on. When Wren fell quiet, Becka breathed in deeply, let the breath out slowly and looked over at her with eyes that were just a bit too wide. "I don't know what any of that means," she admitted softly, only a hint of frustration in her tone, though it wasn't directed toward Wren at all. "I mean, how it all applies to everything, or what I'm supposed to do about it all." No, now she was feeling just a bit more confused. Was she supposed to have hope and faith and take a chance, or was she supposed to focus her energy elsewhere and pray that something good would come of it all? She didn't know.
"If you can't take a single thing that I've said, and apply it to your life and situations, then you're beyond anyone's help," Wren told her lightly, as she gathered up her cards. "You were doing a lot of frowning, when I was talking. So things had to click somewhere. If you're still completely at sea with everything, then perhaps you are because you don't like the answers you do see, so you're refusing to see them," she suggested.
Becka’s frown deepened at that, and it didn’t help her headache one bit. “That’s not what I meant,” she said, trying not to get defensive. “Yeah, some of it - well, a lot of it clicked for things I’m going through, but I mean, some of it’s all conflicting in my head and stuff, cause there’s different situations and I’m not sure which situation some of it’s supposed to apply to. I’m not refusing to see answers. I’m just... confused,” she finally finished, shrugging slightly. She didn’t like the way Wren had said all that, like she was too stupid or naive to see what was right in front of her. It was too close to how Dominic had made her feel, and that was still an open wound in her.
"Tarot is a guide, not an answer sheet," Wren told Becka lightly. "I can't point to anything specific and say 'this, right here, is exactly it and this is what you have to do'," she explained. "It's a guide, not instructions. I could try and help if you told me about situations, but it's really about how you apply it all. If something conflicts, think about when it was saying things applied, past, future, current. And it could be more than one thing. It's meant to be there to help enlighten you in your time of need, give you things to think about when your mind might be clouded, and to help you recognize things currently influencing you in your life, and what you can do to combat things you don't want influencing you."
Becka bit her lip and nodded slightly as Wren explained. “Yeah, and I get that. I wasn’t meaning to ask you to give all the answers or anything like that. I was just saying that I’m confused, that’s all. I can be confused without expecting anyone else to have all the answers, cause no one has all the answers. I just... I don’t know, I need to think about things, but I am so tired of thinking. It’s like the more I think, the more jumbled everything gets in my head, and God, I just miss my family more than anything in the world right now.” She shifted, pressing her palms over her eyes, sighing softly. She just wanted something, just one thing that made sense, and nothing made more sense to her than her family.
Wren watched Becka as she spoke, wondering if the girl realized the language she'd used before and the words she was saying now didn't quite add up. And she was guessing the answer to that was 'no'. She also didn't think pointing it out would be helpful in the slightest, so she didn't, and merely listened. "If you pick specific cards, I can go into more depth with you, if you give me a little more to go on." she offered. "You looked like some of the cards might have brought up questions. I'm sorry you miss your family. I'm sure it's very difficult for you to be without them." Wren’s own experience with loss was a little larger than simply being apart from people, but she didn’t imagine that would be helpful for Becka to know either.
“I...” Becka hesitated, looking at the cards as she tried to remember what was said about each of them. Her eyes were drawn to the star one, and she pointed at it. “Like, that one. I think you said it was something about being hopeful and the path I should or would follow or something, right? But, I mean, there are two really huge things that I’m not even the tiniest bit certain about that it could apply to. It could be about this program, what’s gonna come of it, or it could be about,” she paused, biting her lip as she debated whether or not talking about Adam would be counter-productive. She’d told Dominic she would try to avoid him, and talking about him, giving that whole situation more consideration probably wouldn’t help any of that, would it? “About Adam,” she finally whispered, eyes downcast. God, she felt so stupid for saying it, for admitting out loud that she was still conflicted about him.
"What are you more concerned about?" she asked. "Your life as a whole, or him?"
That question should have been easier to answer, but in Becka’s head it was all pretty intertwined at this point. Still, she pressed her lips together and tried to sort it out, to look past the immediate thoughts to what the deepest conflict was for her. “I’m most concerned about how I’m going to get through this program and what might be on the other side of it,” she said after a minute of reflection. Yes, Adam was a part of the issue of how she was going to get through the program in the most immediate, day-to-day stuff, but he wasn’t the biggest issue.
"Then that's what you should apply it to," Wren told her. "Your life. The program. How to get through it and what approach you should have with it," she said without hesitation. "I'm guessing that all this conflict is centered around him. But if your real concentration is your life, then you need to focus there. If you can focus on what's truly important, a lot of the other issues should clear up on their own, work themselves out."
Becka nodded at Wren’s words, the things Dominic had told her last night going through her mind, the things he’d said she should do now. She knew those were where she should put her focus. “Somehow I think that even if I do focus on all the rest, it won’t just make the Adam issue clear up on it’s own,” she said with a sigh and shake of her head. “Not that it matters since I’m supposed to just cut it off entirely. Ignore it.” And that didn’t sit well with her at all, to just cut off communication with him with no explanation at all.
"People often believe that the world centers around them, since to them, it does, since life is subjective. They feel like life doesn't move forward, that issues don't fade, if they don't take direct action to do it themselves. But life does move forward, distance can help with clarity, and things do clear up on their own sometimes. Things always work out. Not always in a way you want them to, but they always work out, one way or another. Try and remember that. The world keeps turning. You're just one part of that. So even if the place looks cloudy and confusing, and you feel overwhelmed, or like you have to take action, think about the fact that you're one piece in a world full of moving pieces. Other pieces will move, to and fro, and it'll all tie in to how things go too. It isn't now and never has been all centered on you. You are feeling the weight of heavy things, but you've never been carrying it all on your own. You just perceive you are," Wren told her.
Becka shifted uncomfortably at that, feeling embarrassed and a bit ashamed at the way that all sounded, like she was being self-absorbed just then. She was, she knew logically that she was, but they had been talking about her issues, so she hadn’t thought it was wrong to focus on herself. “I know I’m not the center of everything,” she said softly. “But just because I ignore something doesn’t mean it will go away. There are other factors, other people involved that I obviously have no control over. But I do believe that, that everything works out, that everything happens for a reason. I guess that would be something like fate, right? So I know there’s a purpose to all of everything I’m dealing with, it’s just not always easy to remember when things get so overwhelming and intense.”
"You're very right. Ignoring something will not make it go away. But sometimes people act too rashly, because they feel that pressure to do something. So they do 'something' and that something might be wrong for the situation. They act just to act because they recognize something needs doing, but can't take enough of a step back to realize they need to think through that action. Sometimes waiting even a short while just makes things clearer, and gives more time for other people to influence situations, meaning it isn't all on you. Give other people time, as well. You're confused and overwhelmed right now--not the best time to be jumping into anything. That's what I'm trying to tell you by distance, and not putting that pressure on yourself as if you're the center cog. I'm also trying to tell you that while I know you miss your family--you are not alone. We are all here together, all moving gears together. I'm sorry you've found yourself in a position that seems so cloudy. But you really aren't alone with it all, if you choose to allow yourself to see it," Wren said, hoping she made her point clearer that time. She had wanted to introduce the idea to Becka that they were all in this together, and while her issue was personal that didn't mean other things and people didn't have a role to play within that. That she wasn't alone, and it wasn't all on her shoulders.
Becka was doing her best to have an open mind, to really hear what Wren was saying, and as the other girl spoke, she found herself breathing just a little easier, understanding better what Wren was meaning. She was confused, and because of that she knew that she wasn’t thinking as clearly as she should be. “Okay, yeah, that.... that does make more sense.” She could give the situation time and space, let things settle a bit and see what happened. “I know that I’m not alone, that we’re all in this together, but that’s not the same, that’s nowhere near the same as the support system I had at Shakopee and just through my whole life. I had people I could trust. I don’t know who I can really trust here, and that just makes things even more confusing because I’m not suspicious by nature, and I’ve got someone who was on death row telling me not to trust my own feelings because I’m being stupid and too trusting, and...” She stopped, blowing out a breath as she realized that she was just ranting and not really saying anything to help the situation. “I just want to get through this. So I’ll take a step back from the situation, focus on other things, and see where it takes me. Thank you for trying to help,” she said genuinely with a soft smile, nodding toward the cards.
"I know it isn't," Wren said sympathetically. "Just try to keep in mind that everything's intertwined, and nothing is just on you. You have time. You can take time. You can give yourself the ability to sit back, and breathe," she continued. "Your best bet is to wait until the world looks clearer. And in the meantime, other things will be happening, that might help even more. You never know. If you do, things could fall exactly into a place you would like, or at least would be less tears-inducing. Perhaps Adam will come talk to you, after he’s had time to think as well." Wren didn’t know the situation fully, but she knew Adam was a mess at the moment too, and also needed a few minutes of clarity. She gave her a light smile. "Nothing stays this overwhelming forever, even if it feels like it. It can't."
Becka felt a little of the tightness in her chest loosen at Wren’s words, appreciating them. She’d felt so overwhelmed with everything, feeling like she had to make decisions right then and it had made it impossible to think clearly about any of it all. She nodded, thinking that she would do just that, she would wait until things looked clearer and focus on other things and hope things fell into some sort of order that she could process. Her lips parted at the mention of Adam, a whole different wave of insecurity coursing through her at the thought of him coming to talk to her. What would she do if he did? She was supposed to be avoiding him, she was scared of what he was capable of now, especially after the images her subconscious had drummed up last night, but how long would that resolve last if he sought her out? She didn’t know.
She licked her lips, focusing on that last bit. “Yeah, I know it can’t. It just all built and built until everything just bubbled over all at once, and I couldn’t think straight to figure out how to deal with any of it. But this? This has actually helped a little, really. I mean, I still don’t think I know what to do, but I feel a little less like I have to know right this minute. I feel like I can go ahead and take that step away and focus on other things. I need to, cause all this has just been making me miserable, and I hate feeling this way.” She talked too much, Becka knew this, but she just couldn’t help it sometimes.
Wren smiled at her. "I'm happy to have helped," she said. "Any time things look so overwhelming, just let me know and I'll offer whatever assistance I can. But yes. Never make decisions in the heat of the moment, when everything is so overwhelming. It never leads to good things. But you've definitely got time, where you can clear your head and not be in the middle of everything," she said. "You'll be okay. I didn't see anything dark or awful. And compromise isn't a terrible outcome at all. It'll wind up alright. I don't know how, specifically, but you should be okay."
Although Becka really hadn’t liked the way Wren had made her feel right after the reading, she could recognize that it had been her own inability to communicate than anything Wren had said or done, and she wasn’t about to hold that against her. She’d listened to what Wren had to say, and she appreciated her for helping her to realize that she didn’t have to have all the answers right now. She felt herself smiling a little more naturally. Even though she wasn’t completely sure she believed in tarot, it had seemed pretty accurate, and she liked the thought that there wasn’t anything dark or awful coming up for her. “I hope so. I think I’m going to go shower and get ready for the day, but I will, I’ll definitely let you know if things get so overwhelming again. Thank you, Wren, really.” And how many times would she say that? “Oh, I... You are Wren, right? I mean, I just assumed because of the cards. I’m Becka, I don’t think I said that before.”
"I'm Wren," she confirmed. "And Becka. Thank you," she said, glad there was an introduction. She had been too preoccupied with helping to worry about Becka's name. Which probably wasn't very good of her. But her main goal was satisfied--she'd helped at least somewhat, and Becak was smiling, so that had to be a good thing. That was why she offered help to begin with, she hated seeing people look so lost. "Remember--any time," she added, gathering everything up before she stood.
Becka smiled as she stood up as well. “I will,” she assured Wren. If it could help her keep a little perspective on everything, then she definitely wouldn’t be afraid of seeking Wren’s help again. “I’ll see you around, I’m sure,” she said, and with one last smile toward her, she turned to head out of the spiritual room and the few doors down to her own room. She’d get that shower, check to see what communications there might be from the Administration, and just take it all one thing at a time.