inspiteofdanger (inspiteofdanger) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-09-21 16:04:00 |
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Entry tags: | day four, dominic, dominic and rebekah, rebekah |
and then talking made things worse for everyone
Characters: Dominic and Becka
Setting: the library, late
After getting Meg her water, Dominic checked the journals from Meg's unused room. Then he decided fuck it, he needed another perspective on things, and Becka seemed to need someone to distract her as well, so he went in her direction. It was better than nothing, and maybe she'd tell him some magical thing that would make it all better and he could stop feeling like emotional roadkill.
Getting to her door, he knocked, stepping back to give her space when she opened, if she opened.
Once Leandro left and Becka got her clothes put away, she finally accepted that she wasn’t going to be able to focus on anything else until she just bit the bullet and wrote out her thoughts on the whole situation with Adam like she’d told Carmel she wanted to do. So she sat down at the computer, opened a document, and just started writing. She wrote, deleted, wrote more, edited, and just kept at it until she figured she’d managed to get everything out in a somewhat cohesive manner.
When that was done, she realized that it was late enough that Cal had probably closed the clinic, and if not then she’d just catch up with him tomorrow. He knew she was dealing with issues, so she thought he would understand. And so she went down to the kitchen to grab a couple slices of pizza and something to drink, managing to get back up to her room without being pulled into socializing. Leandro had put her in a better mood, yes, but she really wasn’t feeling up to the group socializing thing, as she’d told him. Because, yeah, writing all her thoughts out had been an emotionally exhausting exercise.
Back in her room, Becka considered watching a movie, but then she got a comment on one of her entries, and she ate her dinner as she dealt with that back and forth, surprised and oddly pleased when Dom jumped in it all. And even though she hadn’t felt up to socializing with the group, she found herself inviting him to hang out anyway. And while she waited, she pulled up what she’d written earlier, going back and forth on whether or not to send it to Adam. Finally she decided to just buck up and doing it, copying and pasting it to the message box, pressing send literally moments before the knock sounded on her door. Her stomach twisted both from the message she’d just sent and not knowing how it would be responded to and the upcoming conversation with Dominic.
Becka didn’t even check to see who it was, just assuming it was Dominic. She pulled the door open, giving him a small smile. “Hey, Dominic,” she greeted him. He looked... like crap. Not that she was going to say that. “You wanna come in, or... well, there’s not really anywhere to just go walking and have a private conversation, is there?” she said with an almost wry twist to her lips.
Dominic wanted to talk to the girl, he really did, and was starting to think that he needed to. And from the sounds of things, she might too. But he would feel weird about hanging out with her in her room. That just...seemed like a bad idea. Meg was already off the rails, so her having the idea that he'd been in some other woman's room while she was passed out was a bad idea in general. "I don't know, is there? What about the new section, or whatever? The laundry, or the clinic?"
Considering, Becka tilted her head slightly. “Umm, I think Cal’s probably locked up the clinic by now.” And he hadn’t shared the code to the door, but she wasn’t going to stress about that just yet. He was the doctor of the two of them, so in her mind, that made the clinic his, and she would give it time for them to develop the trust their working relationship would need. “But yeah, we could head down that way.” She checked her pocket for her key before locking her door and heading out, closing the door behind her.
"It's locked?" Dominic said. "What happens if anyone needs something but doesn't want to bother the doc for it?" he asked rhetorically. He walked with her, either way, stepping back, hands shoved into his pockets. "So we've both had a shitty day." he posed, so they had someplace to start. "You okay?"
Becka gave him a sidelong glance at that. “With all the supplies and such in there? You better bet it’s locked. If anyone needs anything, they can bother Cal. Or even me - I’ll have a kit with me once we have a container to put it in.” As she walked, she found herself crossing her arms in front of her, nodding slightly when he began and shrugging at the question. “I really don’t know. Everything’s just really screwed up right now,” she admitted. “You? You don’t really look okay.” Maybe it would help if she let him talk about what was going on with him first.
"I'm not." he told her, being honest. He sighed when they got to a corner, heading more towards the elevator. He wondered what would happen if they pulled the emergency stop on it. That would afford privacy, but he was thinking they'd get in trouble for it. And he just wasn't up for trouble right now. "And pretty much I have the same answer you do. Everything's just really screwed up right now."
“Shouldn’t it take more than four days for things to get all screwed up?” she joked weakly, lifting one hand to rub over her face. She headed down past the row of rooms toward the activity room. She wasn’t really sure where to start or even if she should just launch into her own issues. She wanted to be there for him, to listen and help however she could. “You want to talk about it?” she asked, encouraging him to.
"You'd be surprised." Dominic said, sighing, giving her a light half smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He looked around, then decided the library would be quiet. So, he led her there, got them inside, he glanced around to be sure no one else was in there, then went and wedged a chair beneath the door to ensure they wouldn't be disturbed. Then, he nodded for her to follow him through the stacks to the very back where they'd have as quiet a time as possible, and they would be extremely hard pressed to be overheard. He sat down on the floor with his back up against some books. "The short answer is no, the long answer is I probably should get a second opinion. What about you?"
Becka didn’t question the change in direction, willing to head wherever Dominic wanted. She just wanted to talk, and she had to admit that the library was a pretty good idea. That didn’t stop her from raising her brows when he wedged a chair under the doorknob. It wasn’t unsettling; she didn’t worry that Dom was going to hurt her or anything, it just struck her as a bit overly cautious. She wasn’t going to complain, though, because she really didn’t want their conversation overheard either. “Same,” she answered with a short laugh, sitting down to lean against the stack of books just opposite him so that she was facing him. “Almost have talked about it all a couple times today, though, and I finally just wrote out everything I was thinking about it all and sent it to him right before you got to my room, not that it’s made anything make any more sense in my head.” She sighed softly, shaking her head.
"Sense seems to be out the window today." Dominic said, sighing. Then he gave a light smile. "Okay, how about this. We can take turns. I'll tell you about my bullshit, and you tell me about yours." he provided. "Who wants to go first?" He figured it was only fair, and actually might help him open up, if he knew he wasn't going to be the only one doing so.
That was what Becka had thought they were going to do, so she just smiled faintly and nodded at the suggestion. “Yeah, we can do that. Ummm.” She pressed her lips together and then figured she should just jump in. It might put him at ease or help him feel more comfortable talking to her about his issues. “I look like the girl he’s in for kidnapping and killing,” she blurted out bluntly, flushing as she heard her own voice. She really hadn’t meant to just come out with it like that; she’d planned to start at the beginning and explain everything that had happened.
So, that knocked out everything else in Dominic's head at the moment. He blinked, staring at her. "You need to stay far away from him then, princess." he told her, voice lighter than he felt about the matter, but he didn't want to scare her. Even if she really fucking should be terrified. "Seriously...that's not okay on about a billion different levels, and just no."
Becka’s stomach twisted up in knots at Dom’s words, and she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, resting her chin on them. “I...” don’t want to. That sounded defiant and naive even in her own head, she could imagine just how much more it would sound out loud. “It’s not okay. God, I know it’s not okay, and it’s messed up and twisted on so many different levels, but... I don’t believe he did it. There’s a lot more to it, he just hasn’t told me, and... I don’t want to just walk away.”
He could see she was having trouble with it, which was probably why she was having such a shit day to start with. He watched her curling up on herself, knew the signs, of course. That kind of body language wasn't ever good. He sat forward a little, eyes on her. "Becka..." he started, sighing. "We're all here for a reason. I sure as hell did what I'm convicted for. These days...wrongful conviction is a hell of a lot less likely than someone being a sociopath with a great ability to play people." he said. "I'm sure you want to believe the best in someone, but...kidnapping and murder? That's..." he shook his head. "It's not worth your safety, it's not worth your well being, and it sure as hell isn't worth letting some sicko get off on you being trusting when you look like his 'type'."
There wasn’t even a small part of her that wanted to hear what Dominic was saying, but Becka knew that she probably needed to hear it, needed to acknowledge just how dangerous a situation this could be. She didn’t want to, though, didn’t know how she would cope with it all if she did. Sighing, she rested her cheek on her knee, closing her eyes against the onslaught of emotions Dom’s words were churning up in her. “He’s not...” She cut herself off from defending Adam. Could she definitively say that Adam wasn’t exactly what Dom was saying? No, she couldn’t, but she didn’t believe that he was, either.
It wasn't hard to fill in the blank. And, Dominic moved, to sit next to her instead. "Becka, I'm sure you want to believe the best in him. I'm sure you want to believe the best in everyone. But the fact of the matter is, is people do fucked up things. They're fucked up in the head, and just because someone doesn't 'read' as dangerous doesn't mean they aren't. And...I don't know the details, but kidnapping, that takes time. Which mean he must've had the girl for at least a little bit before the killing happened. Which brings up all kinds of fucked up questions, that you need to never find out the reality of."
Becka squeezed her eyes tighter, fighting the tears that had filled them. God, she was going to cry again. She didn’t want to cry again. She didn’t want to consider all the different possibilities of just what Adam may or may not have done. “I don’t know the details either, but he even said there was more to the story, and I don’t want to just walk away from him. Not that it matters cause he’s completely pushed me away, and it’s just all so confusing in my head, Dom.” She finally opened her eyes, looking at him at the tears slipped out of the corners of them. “I don’t think he’ll hurt me, I can’t believe that he will. Adam’s... he’s not bad, whatever happened, I have to believe that.” She didn’t know why she felt so strongly about it, why she needed to believe the best of Adam, but she did.
Dominic watched her, reaching out to very hesitantly put a hand on her back. He felt like he had to do something. She was crying, and that was Not Good. He didn't like seeing girls cry. "Becka, you do need to believe that. Especially if he's pushing you away, and I'm guessing he was the one who told you you look like his victim, since who else would know. Can you not see that's fucked up in itself?"
He caught that it was Adam, and it was surprising, sure, but he knew the truth. People could play victims. They did it all the time, and it didn't mean they were. There were guys on death row with him who didn't look or act like they could hurt a fly, but they had fucked up shit in their history. One was a guy who'd started shooting at his local grocery store. He looked like a math teacher, but there was a lot of blood on that guy's hands. His soft spoken voice and stooped gait didn't change that.
"Maybe it's confusing, because you want to believe the best, but part of you knows it isn't right." he suggested. "Because honey, you really sound..." he trailed off, not sure how to put it. "Don't be that girl. Don't be that willing victim, who's going to take shit and be the martyr, and keep going for him even after he's pushed you away. It's already sounding abusive at best to me. Don't make it easy for him to do that, to make you into some mess of a girl who's all turned around. If he told you you look like a victim, and has pushed you away--that's more than enough of a sign for you to follow, Becka."
Becka leaned into the touch, finding comfort in it even if his words continued to just screw her up more on the inside. What he was saying... she could just imagine David saying those same words in that same tone, or Andrew yelling them at her and rushing off to kick Adam’s butt. Her brothers wouldn’t approve of her giving Adam a chance, but they wouldn’t understand, would they? No one could completely understand because they hadn’t had the conversations with Adam that she’d had. And she couldn’t just fight what she was feeling, could she? Could she just shut it off? “It’s... how is it messed up that he would tell me that?” It was messed up, but she didn’t think it was because he’d told her. “I mean... wouldn’t he keep that to himself if he was gonna hurt me?” It made sense in her head. If he wanted to hurt her, then telling her that she looked like that girl was a pretty stupid way to get her trust.
Becka flinched at his next words. The willing victim. Was that what she was? Was Adam really all that messed up, was she playing into some sinister plan of his? It made her sick to her stomach to think that might be true. “I don’t.... I don’t want to be that girl,” she whispered. But she’d seen something in him, she was drawn to him in a way she just couldn’t explain, and how was she supposed to ignore that? “So what am I supposed to do? Pretend that I don’t have feelings for him, that I’m not drawn to him in a way I’ve never been drawn to any guy before? I told him I wasn’t gonna give up on him, that I didn’t want him to push me away, and I still feel that way. I know I shouldn’t, but I do,” she finally finished, voice a weak whisper.
"Not if he's a sick twist that just wanted to see if you'd be stupid enough to stay by him even after he told you that." Dominic told her. "And I'm not saying you're stupid. I just think that you're really not seeing things clearly, and you're flying in the face of common sense just because you want to. Because whatever Adam's been doing to manipulate you's working."
"And no, you don't want to be that girl." Dom said gently. "And honestly? Yes. Look...I know that movies, and books, and all that all pump the same bullshit into girl's heads. I know that. I know that everything points to true love, and unspoken connection, and being drawn in and it's all meant to lead to something wonderful, and happiness. But the truth of the matter is that the world isn't like that. And I'm sorry it's not, and I'm sorry you have to find out like this, but girls fall for men who are abusive, and they think it's their fault sometimes. Why do you think there are women's shelters everywhere? Why do you think there's those interviews with the neighbors of serial killers who are all 'he was the last person I'd expect'? How do you think people are married to killers and never know about it until they're arrested? It happens, Becka. It's fucked up, and it sucks, but it happens. And you chasing after some guy who clearly doesn't want you around, even after he's told you that you remind him someone that he kidnapped and murdered, definitely makes you That Girl. That one everyone feels bad for because she walks into work with bruises and says stupid shit like she ran into a doorframe. It's more or less the same thing. You're putting yourself into a dangerous situation, with an admittedly dangerous person, and deliberately ignoring the very clear signs that you shouldn't be there."
She wanted to yell at him to stop talking, that she didn’t want to hear it. She wanted to defend Adam, to insist that he wasn’t manipulating her, that he wouldn’t hurt her, not like that. She couldn’t though. She couldn’t say any of that because in spite of everything, in spite of the hope that refused to die in her chest, Becka knew that Dominic’s words were more right than any of the thoughts in her head. Tears were falling silently down her cheeks, and she sniffled softly. She didn’t know what to say now, didn’t know how to move on from this point. Logic and emotion were warring in her making it impossible to think clearly. And so she did the only thing she could think to do at that moment. Deflected. “So what happened with you today?” She needed something, anything to get her to stop trying to figure out what she was supposed to do now.
"Something that can really fucking wait, until I feel at least slightly better that you're not the girl from Twilight?" Dominic told her, putting his arm around her fully and giving up on keeping it light. She was crying, she was in a total crisis and clearly making piss poor decisions in regards to her continued ability to breathe. So, he was going to be comforting.
Becka winced when he didn’t go with the change of topic, but she went into the embrace willingly. It didn’t soothe her, it just churned everything up more, and she found herself crying more in earnest now. God, why did this happen? Why did she have to come here? Sure, being in prison had sucked, but at least things had made some kind of sense there. “I don’t know how to stop caring,” she whispered against his shoulder. “And I don’t want to be alone. I’ve never felt so alone in my life,” she admitted, voice broken, thick with emotions.
Having had to sometimes deal with the terrifying times when Meg went nearly catatonic with her mood, bottoming out entirely, he was slightly better prepared to deal with wracking sobs than he thought, but still. He held her, letting her cry for a few minutes, knowing it was likely a whole world of suck she was looking at. But at the same time, he really hoped that she was crying because she was going to stop being an idiot, and not because she was thinking otherwise.
When she spoke, he exhaled quietly. "No one wants to be alone. But it's better to be alone than with a creep who kidnaps and kills girls who look like you." he said, hoping that hearing that out loud would really click in her head. It had to. Something had to. Because that was what she was looking at. "Besides, you're not alone. This is one guy you liked, that things have taken a bad turn. You aren't the first girl in the world to like a guy who isn't good for her, Becka, it isn't the end of the world. You've known him for four days." To say her reaction was over the top would have been a gross understatement. "And I didn't say you had to stop caring, just not to spend quality time with a guy who kills girls who look like you--Becka, is any of this actually sinking in? Look at it from the outside for a second. If you were listening to you as a friend, what would you say to that friend?"
“Dominic,” she whispered painfully. “I know, okay? I know that it’s not the end of the world. I know that there’s nothing good about the situation. And I know that four days is nowhere near long enough to feel the way I do.” Becka pulled away from him, lifting her hands to scrub over her face. “Yes! Yes, it’s sinking in, and it’s scaring the crap out of me, and I don’t know what to do about any of it! If a friend was saying the things I am, I’d tell them they were being stupid, because I know I’m being stupid, Dom. But it’s not just Adam, it’s every freaking thing. Everyone in here’s done something. You’ve done a lot of bad, but it’s not all that you are, and I don’t think I’ll survive - and I don’t just mean getting out of here alive - if I write people off because of what they’re in here for. It doesn’t make it right, and I’m not forgetting about what people have done, but good people make mistakes too.” And she was back to almost defending Adam. God, how messed up was she? She groaned softly, burying her face in her hands.
"I don't know that you do know, Becka. Not when you're sitting there crying about how you can't stop caring, and you don't want to be alone." Dominic told her, though his tone was gentle. "We wouldn't be having this conversation if you did." He let her pull away when she did, but kept his eyes on her. "And yes, everyone's done something here. But not everyone's in here for murdering cute little sweet blondes." he told her.
"Not writing people off isn't the same thing as putting yourself in clear, absolutely obvious harm's way. And it still doesn't mean that he isn't playing you and he's just that good. I never would have pegged him for a killer either, and I was on death row. Everyone in there was a killer. But all that means? Is that he's good at what he does." He had to keep looking at her, gritting his teeth. "And kidnap and murder is not a 'mistake'. Carmel going after the guys after the justice system shit the bed is a mistake. What Adam's convicted for is not, and you have got to be smart enough to see that." He dragged his fingers through his hair. “You’re making excuses because you want to, Becka. And it’s going to get you very, very hurt, if not worse.”
Becka’s head was pounding, and she knew that she wasn’t expressing herself well at all, that there was a much bigger issue here than whatever she was feeling about Adam. Everything was scattered and confused in her head, and it only became more so when he brought up Carmel. She wanted to ask about that because she didn’t know anything about what Carmel was in for, but she brushed the thought away. It wasn’t the time, and it wasn’t something she should ask him anyway. She pushed up, moving away from him to pace in front of the shelves, arms wrapped around her middle. Sighing heavily, she looked up at the ceiling as she paced. What was she supposed to say, what was she supposed to think now? “My brothers would probably shoot themselves before admitting it, but I’m betting they’d be really glad that you’re here telling me what they can’t,” she finally said, knowing that it was a complete switch from the conversation they’d been having.
“It’s not... It’s not just Adam, okay? It’s really not, and I can’t honestly say what will happen there. I’m not completely stupid, though. I know it would be better all around if I just put all that behind me, and... I’ll try, okay? I can try to not be that girl. I don’t want to be that girl, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t still a huge part of me that thinks he didn’t do it, that he couldn’t have. But it’s really not just that. You... you implied before that your family wasn’t all that great, but mine was. I was at Shakopee for only ten weeks, and every single day that I was allowed visitors, someone was there. I had that connection to my reality still. Here, I have nothing. I have no one that I can trust or count on completely, and that’s killing me inside. I don’t know what I’m doing here, I don’t know how I’m supposed to start over here.”
He looked up at her, then pushed himself to his feet. "Well, someone has to, glad I'm here to tell you too." he said. "If I have to play big brother, fine. Sign me up." he said to her, leaning back against the stacks. "It'd be best if you just cut yourself off. Don't talk to him, he already pushed you away so you'd be masochistic if you went back in the first place after that. Respect yourself, Becka. Don't go chasing after some guy who does that to you, even if we're ignoring everything else. This isn't the movies where it's really some dark brooding guy who really just needs a good woman to love him. This is a guy who kills girls like you. And since you seem like you can't actually be trusted to make appropriate decisions about the guy, then staying clear of him is all the better an idea. Whether or not you think he did it, a jury of his peers definitely fucking did. And he was convicted. Again, wrongful conviction at this point in time isn't really all that reasonable."
"As for family connection, like I said, I can sign on to play big brother. Carmel's good people. There's the doctor, too. I know it isn't the same. I know it's not even nearly going to replace family, and it shouldn't. But you aren't alone entirely. And you don't have to start over here--this is transition. Think of it as transition. We're not here forever. We're here til we get to go somewhere else and really start over. All of this is going to pass."
Cut herself off? Just not talk to Adam? Could she do that? “I already did... I sent him that message right before you came up...” And the reminder mixed in with what he was saying made her sick to her stomach. Becka pressed her hand to her stomach, paling. “I...” Oh God, oh God, what was she doing? Her whole body went ice cold, numb, and there wasn’t any color left in her face. She looked at Dom with wide eyes. “He killed someone who looks like me,” she said, voice the barest of hoarse whispers. She couldn’t even think about anything else he was saying, couldn’t focus on it as that one fact finally became glaringly true to her.
He stepped closer again, feeling a wave of relief that it finally seemed to hit her. He walked up, and opened his arms, just in case she needed the support, but at the moment he was playing everything by ear. It was just overwhelmingly relieving to hear her say that out loud, and to see the look on her features. No, he didn't want her to be going through something so awful, but it was better than 'everyone makes mistakes!' and the other bullshit she'd been spewing earlier. Anything was better than that.
Becka wanted to go into the open arms, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t move, sure that if she even tried she would get sick. All she could focus on in that moment was that necessary act of breathing, of keeping the meager contents of her stomach where they belonged. At least she wasn’t crying anymore, right? She didn’t think there were more tears in her, and any that may have been had evaporated in the intense fear and stupidity she was feeling now.
He gave her space, though not too much of it, just standing nearby, waiting for her to make a move, and he'd react accordingly with whatever that was. If she needed a second to deal, he wasn't going to try to rush her through it. He was just going to be there.
It took a few minutes, but Becka finally shifted, leaning back against the shelves and slowly lowering herself to sit again. She swallowed hard, eyes flicking toward Dominic again. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now,” she admitted. “Out there... Out there I would just throw myself into work. It’s what I did after... years ago, I got a part time job and I kept busy and I don’t know how to keep busy here.”
Dominic looked down at her, then crouched in front of her, watching closely. "Keep busy by working with the doc. Keep busy by reading, picking up a craft hobby, and who knows. Take up boxing. There's some stuff in the gym. I know it doesn't sound like a great way to go, it sounds weak, but it'll be something." he said. "Cook with Carmel. That could help too." he added, thinking he'd read somewhere that cooking was therapeutic. Plus, Carmel would be a good influence. If anyone wasn’t a ‘I need to go crazy over a man!’ kind of woman, he was willing to bet it was Carmel.
Becka nodded mutely when Dominic listed off the things she could do to keep busy. They were all things she’d probably have done anyway, well minus the stuff in the gym. She wasn’t really the gym kind of girl. “Yeah, that. I’ll do that,” she said softly. And then, as if she’d just remembered something absolutely vital, she reached out and poked him hard in the chest. “You can’t get a DNR,” she said firmly.
He leaned back slightly when she poked him, and sighed. "Becka, it's my life. I was unhappy when I was revived before. I don't want it to happen again, where I get...pulled back into a world I really was meant to have checked out of a while ago." he told her, voice very light. “I’m not going to do anything like kill myself, but I don’t want to get yanked back if I do die.”
“No,” she disagreed, frowning deeply. “If you were meant to have died, you would have died. If you can be saved, then you’re not dead.” She believed that completely. “So if something happens, you’d seriously say ‘don’t save me’? You’d rather just die? I don’t believe that. You’re getting a second chance, you and Meg both, so how could you even consider throwing it away? Accidents happen, and sometimes crap happens that isn’t an accident at all, but that doesn’t mean you give up.” She felt like she was going into full-on rant mode, and maybe it was in part because of everything he’d just told her. If he was allowed to point out when she was being stupid, then she was going to do the same for him.
"Becka, I remember what you said on my journal. That you helped a terminal patient commit suicide. And that you didn't think it was wrong. So, there's some part of you that believes a person should be able to choose. I want that choice." Dominic told her, voice still light, even if she'd gotten rant-y.
Becka’s eyes narrowed into a glare, and she pointed her finger at him. “Don’t you dare throw that in my face. That was a completely different situation! Yes, I believe a person should be able to choose, but in a situation where they can’t be saved. Someone who’s being forced to live in constant pain, not someone who’s had some kind of accident and figures it’s just easier to die than to keep living and deal with things.”
Dom looked confused for a second. "I'm not 'throwing it in your face'." he said. "I'm making a rational argument." he said, sort of thrown by the accusation on that. It wasn't like he'd been bitchy or rude about it, he was trying to appeal to what he believed her headspace could accept. He paused, and then put forth one more part. "You remember I was on death row, right? I was meant to be put to death sooner than natural causes would have dictated either way."
It was automatic to get defensive about the whole Alice situation after all the things that had been said to her after she’d confessed to her part in the suicide, but when Dominic replied, she realized she’d been just a little too defensive about it. Breathing in deeply, she slowly released the breath, wishing her head would stop pounding. “Well, it’s not rational because it’s a completely different situation,” she repeated, tone softer this time. “Yeah, I remember, but like I said, you’re getting a second chance. Don’t throw that away. You’re supposed to be here, even if it’s just to help keep me from getting myself killed,” she joked weakly, wincing right after the words left her mouth.
Dominic didn't look like he thought the joke was funny. It wasn't. "If you don't respect it, I'll be disappointed." he told her. He couldn't really do anything about it. And she wasn't going to convince him that he was going to ditch it. It was very personal for him, very mired in his headspace. He had made his decision, and he wanted people to respect it, but he couldn't make anyone respect it. And, if it came down to it, he wouldn't be in a position to say shit about it either. "But it's hardly the most important thing right now. Don't joke about the you getting yourself killed thing, okay? It's not funny." he said, honestly meaning it.
Becka felt her resolve waver at that, the need to not disappoint a strong part of who she was. “I... Dominic, I don’t think I can just sit by and watch someone die when there’s something I could do to help save them,” she said softly, honestly. She didn’t want to disappoint him, but couldn’t lie and try to guarantee that she would be able to respect the DNR. She looked away at the request, lip wibbling slightly for a moment before she squared her shoulders and forced it down. Swallowing, she looked back at him. “It’s not funny, but apparently it’s a real possibility, right?” That was what he’d been getting at, wasn’t it? It was the whole reason she should be scared of Adam, because her own nature would put herself in a position for him to hurt her.
"Yes." Dominic answered, not letting his gaze waver from hers. He left not even the slightest hint that there was wiggle room there.
Her stomach turned to ice again, and she felt herself shudder just slightly. “Okay,” she whispered. Yeah, it could happen. It wouldn’t happen, though. It wouldn’t because she was going to try not to be That Girl. Right? Right. “Can we talk about your issues now, though? I don’t think I can handle talking about mine more right now.”
Dominic wound up shaking his head. "Becka, you've got enough on your plate, okay? After hearing about this..." he pushed himself to his feet and shook his head. "I don't think so." Plus, he was definitely thinking(and hoping to hell he was wrong and her resolve here would actually stick) she was That Girl. Which meant, in his estimation, that she wasn't going to be stable enough to handle dealing with someone else's problems. That was the kicker, really. Hell. It was why he was having such issues with Meg at the moment. It seemed like Meg wanted to fall apart at even the slightest (and occasionally entirely imagined) provocation, and it meant he had to drop everything and help her. Which meant he wasn't actually dealing with his own stuff, and she was too busy falling apart to help him on his end. After this conversation with Becka, he was pretty sure he was on his own.
Oh, that stung, and Becka couldn’t stop her expression from showing just how much. When he pushed up, she stood as well, arms wrapping around her middle. “Fine,” she whispered. She’d never been one to push, not until she reached a certain point of not being able to help it. It didn’t mean that it didn’t really freaking hurt that this was apparently a one-way street. She tried to shake it off, moving past him to head toward the exit.
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just think you've got enough to worry about right now. My shit'll work out. It's kinda bullshit compared to yours." He didn't know how things would work out, but it would one way or another. He still knew the bottom line was that he loved Meg with all his heart.
Becka shrugged, a jerky motion of her shoulder. “Bull or not, do you really think it wouldn’t help me to focus on something else right now?” she couldn’t help but express, eyes bright and sad all at once.
I'm seriously getting guilt tripped right now? went through his mind. He sighed, and dragged his fingers through his hair, looking less than impressed. He looked at some random books on a shelf behind him, before looking back at her. "Would it?"
“Yes,” she answered simply, honestly.
"Fine." he said, leaning back against the books. "My wife, the absolute love of my life, tried to kill herself twice while she was in lock up. Which would have left me mourning her and living out the rest of my days alone facing the electric chair, and I'm having real trouble dealing with it." he said, nutshelling it for her.
Becka’s eyes went wide at that, certainly not having anticipated anything like that. “Oh. Wow,” she breathed. That would be a lot to take in, and it made her feel like her issues were nothing compared to that. Her issues were the possibility of something bad; his... well, finding out that the love of your life tried to kill themselves couldn’t possibly be something easy to process or cope with. “Would you have rathered she wait until after they carried out the sentence?” she asked, though it wasn’t what she’d meant to ask at all.
Dominic didn't actually find it an inappropriate question, and nodded. "Yeah." he said. "If our situations were reversed, that's what I would have done." he admitted freely. "I wouldn't have wanted to stick around, after she was gone, but I wouldn't have made her face death alone. I know we couldn't be together, but...it's different. Knowing someone's out there, outside of reach and knowing they're not there at all."
Becka nodded slightly, thinking she understood where he was coming from with that. “Well, I hope that you’ll be able to find away to forgive her, or at least to put it behind you. Because obviously someone, maybe some higher power, who knows? But someone was looking out for you both, because she tried, but she didn’t succeed. You guys were meant to have this second chance together, to be able to start over without everything hanging over your heads.” So, she kind of sucked at the whole giving advice thing on this topic, but she wasn’t surprised because this was so beyond anything she felt she could give perspective on.
Shaking his head, Dominic shrugged. "I don't believe in a higher power. And if I did, I'd figure whoever they are, they really hate me. But either way, I want to get past it. I really do. I just feel...abandoned." he admitted. Which was the core of his problem. "And now she's freaking out, I need a little time, to sort through everything, because there's no fix for it. It happened, it's over, I have to get past it, but I need a little time to do that. And today, she goes hardcore drinking with some other guy--who I'm not actually really jealous of, to be clear--and she starts throwing everything at the book in me, including shit like how she wouldn't be surprised if I cheated on her." he said, making a little frustrated sound.
Becka just shrugged when he said he didn’t believe in a higher power. She wasn’t completely sure what she believed with all that, so she wasn’t about to try to convince someone else to. “I think it’s probably understandable that you’d feel abandoned,” she said softly. “Oh, jeeze! You wouldn’t cheat on her,” she said confidently, rolling her eyes. Sure, she’d only known Dominic a very short time, but it was blatantly obvious that his whole world centered around Meg. “But... if she’s drinking hardcore and lashing out like that, then maybe it’s because she feels guilty and knows that there’s nothing she can do to fix it?” she suggested. She understood that Dominic needed time to get past it all, but she also thought she understood why Meg wouldn’t be able to keep it together while he worked on that.
"Exactly!" Dominic said, glad that at least someone else saw that. "Not for anything. Last time she had a fit about the fact that I wasn't a virgin when we met, and she was insecure about shit, I married her. Like, that day. I'm pretty sure there's not a whole lot else I can do to convince her that I'm hers, and that's that. It's like I'm not allowed to be upset about this, or angry, or whatever. Like she wants me to just smile, and be fine, or she's going to fly off the deep end and start thinking bullshit like I'm going to go off cheating." He shook his head, walked a little ways away then back, just feeling the need to be moving. "And I know she feels guilty, and she knows there's nothing to fix it. But I went for a walk last night, and just headed out this morning -- after spending the night with her, mind--and she starts..." he broke off, sighing again. "She was saying shit like she thinks I hate her, and can't stand to be around her, which...seriously?"
Becka smiled sympathetically as he explained, nodding along, eyes following as he walked. It wasn’t completely getting her mind of her own very big issues, but it was helping. She bit her lip, tilting her head as she tried to figure out something she could say, something that might explain the mindset of a woman she’d never met and knew she couldn’t even begin to understand. “Maybe... Maybe she is afraid of that, that you won’t be able to forgive her for it, and from what you said, you’re her first everything, right? So maybe she doesn’t know how to figure it all out or cope with it or whatever.”
"I'm sure she doesn't. And it isn't that I'm not sympathetic. But I do need time to deal. She can't go psycho on me every two seconds so I have to drop everything I'm doing to take care of her, just because she feels bad. That's just as badly manipulative as anything else. I very much take care of her. But at the moment, I might need a little myself, and instead, she's making everything about her, as much as possible, up to and including making me out to be the asshole through her own insecurities. Basically, it sucks, it hurts, and I just really wish I could fast forward through this 'dealing' process, and be done with it." Dominic said.
Ouch. That did sound really manipulative, and Becka felt really bad for Dominic that he was being treated that way. Not that she had any intention of saying anything to Meg about it. No, the thought of even meeting Meg still made her incredibly anxious. “I’m sorry. I wish there was anything I could say or do to help, but it’s something you guys are gonna have to work out yourselves. Maybe you should sit her down when she’s sober and as... level-headed as possible, and explain what you just told me,” she suggested gently. For all she knew, Dominic had already done that, but it was all she could think to suggest.
"I'll give it a shot. I said some of it to her before, but..." he shrugged. "I think she's hurting and wants to skip to it being better again too. And, I think, intellectually, I understand that she wasn't in her right mind when it happened, she said as much, but I still have trouble with the 'why' part. Why she'd do that to me, when I know I wouldn't have done it to her. Makes everything feel uneven."
Becka shook her head. “Dom, it probably had nothing to do with you - I mean, as far as doing it to you. You said yourself that you guys expected to die at that last... thing. And so to have lived? For her to know that you were on death row? Considering everything you guys went through - and I know that I only know a tiny bit of it - well, I think I can understand how she might not have felt like she could keep on going. I think it would be torturous to wake up everyday knowing that I was facing a lifetime without the person my whole universe was centered around.” Not that she understood that feeling of having her whole universe revolve around any one person, but still. “Not saying she was right to try, I’m just saying I think I can almost understand why she would have.”
"It's not her trying. It's her timing." Dominic said, because he could understand the attempt. He'd admitted that he would have done the same. Just...after Meg was gone. That was the difference to him, the sticking point. He got it that she wouldn't want to live. He wouldn't either.
“You make it sound like you guys should have gone out in some kind of tragic Romeo and Juliet ‘he’s dead so I’m going to kill myself, and then he wakes up and sees she’s dead so he really does kill himself’ kind of deal. And death row isn’t all that reliable from what I hear - you could have been waiting for years, and how would she have known when you were executed?” she asked, though why she was playing devil’s advocate for Meg she didn’t know. She rather thought both of them were being a bit ridiculous about the whole thing.
"That was the plan." Dominic said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he leaned his back against the book shelf behind him. "I mean, less tragic, but we were supposed to go out together. She was the one who made that call, even." he told her. "And exactly. I could have been there for years. Mourning her. For years." he said. "As for when she would have known, I'd have gotten a date. It's not like the prison system doesn't have letters, we wrote each other."
Becka blew out a breath, not really sure she was actually helping at all and certain that she really didn’t understand where either of them were coming from in all of that. “Okay, so it really does just come down to something that just needs to be got over. I mean, I totally get that it hurts that she was gonna just check out like that, but she lived. You lived. So... live.” Wow, could that advice be any more sad and pathetic? She wished that she could come up with something better to help him.
"Easier said than done." Dominic said. But it was very clear that Becka didn't understand, and really he didn't expect anyone to. He and Meg's relationship was kind of fucked up at best, most people didn't equate their lives to stopping when someone else wasn't a part of it. It was just them who had that level of insanity rocking. And he was aware of it. He knew it was what anyone in their right mind would consider unhealthy. He didn't defend against any accusations that it was dangerous.
But it had always been a level of crazy they both had. They'd been in it together. And he felt like she'd gone against that pact of theirs. "But thanks for listening." he said, since the equivalent of 'well, just get over it then!' wasn't helpful, but he guessed she'd tried, at least.
“Anytime,” Becka replied. She felt terrible that she hadn’t been able to help him, not like he’d helped her. She didn’t have any kind of reference point for what he was going through, so she was going to let him drop it. “I mean that. I know I don’t have the best advice or any grand perspective or anything, but I can listen if you ever need to just vent about things.”
Dominic nodded. "I'll keep it in mind." he told her. "And you? You're going to keep in mind everything I said? Have self respect and self preservation instincts and not go running after a killer who's victim type is you?"
Becka looked away, wincing faintly as she hugged herself a little tighter. She didn’t want to think about Adam. “I said I would,” she answered simply, glancing back at him. She would try.
"Yeah, but I want to hear you say it now." Dominic said lightly.
God, could he sound any more like her brothers? “I will try to avoid him as much as I can,” she said, feeling stupid for the way it still made her stomach twist up at the thought of just giving up on him. She shouldn’t feel guilty about it. She shouldn’t, but she did.
"Thank you." Dominic said, with a nod. He then sighed, and glanced towards the direction the door was in. "I should probably get back." he said. Which was true. He didn't want Meg throwing the whole 'you can't stand to be around me' thing at him again.
Becka nodded. “Yeah, go on back. I’m gonna go... sleep, or watch something stupid, or something.” Anything to get her mind off of everything, she thought as she headed toward the exit. A part of her wanted to thank him for listening and for the advice, but it just wouldn’t feel entirely honest at this point. She was scared now in a way that she absolutely hadn’t been before, and she couldn’t quite feel thankful for that just yet.
"Night, Becka." Dominic said, heading out, moving the chair back where it belonged. He felt no better, worried about Becka now too, and like juuust about everything sucked. Meteors falling from the sky would be pretty awesome around now. Alien invasion, zombies. Anything.