Comfortable
Characters: Edan and Matt Setting: near her room, afternoon
Edan wanted to run from Brady’s room, to put as much space between them as possible, but her room wasn’t actually that far from his, just around the following corner. Deep breaths, she chided herself gently, though, as always, her internal monologue sounded more like her brother than her own voice. Walk slower. Even steps to get there, lower lip pulled between her teeth to hold back tears.
He’d named his son after Evan. In honor of the man that saved his life. And he was here. He’d let himself get so far off course. She needed Evan here. She needed him to talk to the soldier, to remind him why his life was worth every breath. Edan knew he’d have the right words, the words that she didn’t have, not now that she didn’t even want to be around people. By the time she got to the door she was shaking, one hand flat against it to try and will the nerves away, to forget the part of her skin that felt heated from his touch, a result going so long without proper contact with another person. There was no way she could open the door with her hands shaking like this.
After his unexpected and surprisingly pleasant run in with Wren, Matt had done as he’d planned, taking photos of and making notes about the new spaces before returning to his room to add the information to his map and that was where he had stayed. The pool party he had no intention of going to, the combination of multiple people and alcohol one he was all too keen to avoid but he could only ignore his body for so long and eventually hunger chased his from his room. Taking the elevator figuring it the best way to avoid any people that may have been coming and going from the party, he slipped into the kitchen unseen and fixed himself a sandwich, grabbing some chips and a soda to go with it which were balanced on the plate.
His plan had been to go straight back to his room but as he was leaving the kitchen, he couldn’t help but notice Edan leaving someone’s room and even from across the courtyard, he could tell something was off with her which set off an uncomfortable churning in his stomach that had nothing to do with hunger. Frowning, he headed in her direction, his long stride bringing him to her door only moments after she did and that close, it was impossible to miss the way she was shaking or the look on her face. “Edan?” he said quietly, not wanting to startle her when she was clearly upset already. “W...w..w..what happened?”
She wasn’t expecting anyone to see her, or be there so Matt’s arrival had her spinning towards him so hard she wound up having to lean her back against the door to keep her balance. She was fighting tears still, but thankfully the shock helped take the edge off the worst of it. “I...” Where did she start? “One of the other inmates...he knew my brother.” Maybe Matt would remember enough that he’d understand, that she wouldn’t have to go into detail about how raw her pain suddenly was. She instinctively she went to wrap her arm around herself, remembering that she was still in stupid skimpy and girly bathing suit.
Although he looked slightly crestfallen at having scared her despite his efforts, Matt's focus was on her rather than his own feelings. Having forgotten nothing of their conversation the day before, the mention of her brother was enough to clarify the situation and sent a pang of sympathy through him. He also couldn't help noticing her discomfort and setting down his plate, quickly unzipped his hoodie and offered it to her, revealing surprisingly toned arms and a patch of livid bruising down one side; awkward as he was, he was hardly lacking in manners or, apparently, the occasional burst of chivalry. "What did he say?" he asked, glancing to where she'd come from. "N...nothing bad I hope."
She took a moment to catch her breath, feeling less shaky as if just being around Matt calmed her. When he took off his hoodie she found herself staring at him, almost completely forgetting her own thoughts as she got caught up in him. When she reached for the jacket she let herself move closer to him, eyes on the bruises with a small frown. “No, nothing bad. Something...so sweet,” she said, but her voice was distant.
It was telling of how concerned he was about her that he didn't step back when Edan moved closer or make any attempt to hide the bruises on his arm when he saw her look at them. The faraway tone in her voice was a little worrying and he couldn't help wondering what on earth had been said to her. "Do you want to talk about?" he offered, unsure of what the best thing was to do for her but feeling a pressing need to do something.
She was still half holding his sweatshirt in one hand, the other reaching for his arm but not quite getting there. “What happened?” she asked before he said anything. His voice brought her back, looking up at him. “Um...I can,” she said pulling away and opening her door, waiting for him to follow her inside.
He couldn't help but be relieved when she stopped before touching his am: as much as he knew it came from a place of concern, it wouldn't have stopped him from flinching away from her and her emotions seemed to be running high enough without adding that to it. "Pointless m...m...macho posturing," he said sparing a glance down at it. "It looks worse than it is though, don't worry." Grabbing his food, he followed her into the room, noting with interest that hers was the room beneath his own. "We don't have to talk if you don't want to," he told her hesitantly. "I'm just happy to listen if you do."
“That’s how it always is isn’t it?” Edan asked. Though he told her not to worry she did worry. Once he was in her room she closed the door behind them. Maybe it wasn’t appropriate but at least they were alone. She was still holding his sweatshirt, moving to sit on her bed, breathing slowly. “I don’t know. I just... Evan, he saved that man’s life. Truly.”
"Unfortunately yes," Matt replied, an air of acceptance in his voice that spoke of years of first hand knowledge on the matter. When the door closed, he had a brief moment of panic at being trapped somewhere unfamiliar that as soon as he managed to force it down, was replaced by uncertainty on where to sit. Eventually he opted for the computer chair, setting down his food on the desk before tugging the chair towards Edan a little. The revelation that one of their fellow residents had not only known her brother but had been saved by him also was truly surprising and that showed on his face. "Wow, it really is a small world," shaking his head a little. "Did they serve together?"
“I suppose they did,” Edan told him, looking up at Matt when he moved closer. Her hands weren’t reaching for him yet, but they were close, held out in front of her with her elbows rested on her knees. “He...named his son after Evan.” She needed to change, and she would, but for a moment she was still caught up in what Brady had said. His son wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for Evan and the boy would some day find out about the the young soldier he was named after. It was overwhelming.
"Thats a wonderful gesture," he said, the poignancy of it not lost on him. "And a tribute I would say to your brother's legacy, the impact he had other people." He paused, trying to figure out what her feelings on the matter and coming unstuck. "How does it make you feel?" he asked. She'd said it was sweet but her face told a different story.
Edan was nodding, agreeing with what Matt was saying. He was right, it was beautiful, something that no one expected, but that seemed so fitting. When he asked her how she felt about it though she found herself looking up at him, eyes glassy with tears she was fighting for a moment before she managed to swallow them back. “I don’t know. It’s...like you said, wonderful. It’s just overwhelming. It makes it so raw again.”
Matt might have been well practiced at listening but girls on the verge of tears was something he had no experience with and with no tissue to offer her, the only thing he could think of doing, his mind started flailing desperately. "That's ok..k..k...kay you know, feeling like that," he told her. "It takes time before even good things don't reopen the w...wound."
Edan heard him flounder but wound up just pushing the heels of her hands into her eyes, taking a moment to catch her breath. She wouldn’t cry. Not now. Not like this. “I know. It was such a shock.” She pulled her hands away, tears fought back. “And...I wish I could help him. He seems to think he’s so worthless. Evan would be better at this than I would. I wish he was here, he could really help. And then he hugged me and I haven’t... no one’s...” She felt her skin heat up, cheeks going pink from the thought, though it wasn’t a reaction to Brady, just how deeply that touch had affected her.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd wanted to touch someone as much as he did her in that moment, to offer the comfort she so clearly needed but something stopped him, leaving him frozen on the edge of his seat feeling utterly useless. Then she started to blush and he felt even more at a loss, a knot forming in his chest he didn't understand the reason behind. "I...I...you..." He forced himself to take a breath, for once his problem speaking not being down to his stammer. "I wish I knew what to say."
Edan pushed a hand against her cheek, trying to cool the color and the heat there as she shook her head. “You don’t have to say something,” she told him. “There’s nothing to say.” Letting out a breath she realized how close he was to her, much closer than before. She watched him, holding one hand out flat, wondering if he’d move close enough to touch her. “You being here helps.” It was true, though she wasn’t quite sure why or how.
Matt might not have gone so far as to touch her but he do tug his chair that little bit closer and slid his hands down his legs so they rested on his knees, centimeters away from hers. "I'm glad I'm able to d...d...do something," he told her, offering her a shy but genuine smile.
She was craving more, more than just the minimal amount of space between them, but she also understood personal space and how vital it was. It had been such for her too. “It helps to not be alone,” she told him softly, smiling just slightly back.
It wasn't so much a matter of personal space as it was the feeling of abject fear that took hold when someone touched him but that wasn't something he could just come out and say. "Well that I can do," he said, nodding slightly. "I'm sorry it's not more. I'm aware I'm not the...ideal companion in this kind of situation."
That left Edan frowning a little, tilting her head at him. “Not the ideal companion? Why would you say that?”
Matt shrugged and dropped his head feeling suddenly self-conscious under her scrutiny. “I’m awkward, prone to saying the wrong thing then there’s...this,” he replied, gesturing to the space between them.
She kept watching him, not too harshly but studying his features while he spoke. “You haven’t said the wrong thing yet,” she pointed, then looked at the space between them. “You don’t...you don’t want to be touched. You’re not the first. Some people can’t handle it. I didn’t let anyone near me when I was in prison.”
Glancing up at Edan through his hair, he wondered what he had done right to have found two people in this new place who seemed to understand him, with whom he could connect to after so long being isolated. “Not many people understand,” he said, quietly. “I’m glad that you do.”
Edan was quiet for a moment, watching his eyes. “I understand that that’s the case...I don’t understand the why.” She’d had that barrier broken through, partially from helping Brady, but mostly from his hug, and now she was having trouble reigning herself in from wanting more. If it weren’t for Matt’s obvious distance, no matter how minimal, she’d likely be in some form of contact with him.
Mouth tightening a fraction, Matt debated with himself for a moment before coming to a decision. Rolling his chair backwards, he took a breath and pulled up the hem of his shirt revealing the scar beneath it. He’d never been overly comfortable with people touching him but it was that attack that had truly cemented his fear of physical contact.
For an instant she was sure she’d pushed him away and almost reached out to stop him, but then he was holding up his shirt, which while it didn’t come with words was explanation enough. “What happened?” Edan asked, aware that whatever it was, it was bad. Especially if it left a mark like that. It made her conscious of her own scars, moving to cover her right arm with her left hand.
"Someone took a dislike to me and felt a need to show me just how much that was the case," he told her, looking ruefully at the scar. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her move to cover her arm and frowned in consternation as he lowered his shirt. "You don't have to do that," he said, taking a step towards her.
"How could anyone dislike you that much?" Edan asked, surprised by that. He was a sweet person, a kind person; the idea of anyone hurting him had her feeling almost defensive. Looking down at her arm she shook her head, turning it to hide the marks more. "It's fine. I know how they look." A mar on an otherwise well maintained body. A reminder of just how dangerous her obsession was.
Matt shrugged. "He took offence to my behaviour," he explained. "One of the few people I encountered in prison perceptive enough to notice me. Really I should be grateful he didn't worse, thankfully I wasn't his 'type'.” In that regard, he had been exceptionally lucky during his time in prison. Her comment about her arm though had his frown deepening and he reached a hesitant hand into the air between them. "They look like scars, nothing more," he told her, tone genuine. "They certainly aren't something you need hide from me."
“What did you do?” she asked, looking up at Matt. She’d noticed him as well, but he hadn’t done anything that she could even think was justification for such an attack. “They are,” she said not quite showing them, but she did notice his hand out towards her. “And they’re kind of ugly.”
"I paid more attention to him than he liked. It was perfectly harmless on my part but he hadn't long been there and was rather paranoid at the best of times so..." He shrugged again. "He was punished for his actions and I was transferred to a different prison so there seems little point in holding a grudge."
"As your scars, they are what they are but they certainly don't diminish you in anyway, not in my eyes." He certainly didn't think any less of her for having them.
“Why were you watching him?” Edan asked, feeling like that might be important. At least Matt’d been transferred away from him though, something that eased an aspect of the protectiveness she’d felt rising. Edan turned her arm slightly looking down at the scars, but covering her forearm again. “No?”
"The same reason I watch anyone, to learn," he explained, hoping she remembered what they'd spoken about in the cafeteria. "I realised he was dangerous and avoiding him wasn't an option so I was trying to understand how best to keep from angering him and in the process did just that." The irony wasn't lost on him. His focus was more on her than his unpleasant memories of prison and at her question, he couldn't help but smile a little. "Not in the slightest."
Edan nodded in understanding, remembering that from before. It made sense given it was Matt, but she had been curious of the specifics. “Funny how that works out,” she said shaking her head, then looking down at her arm letting more of the burned skin show. “I did mine, my fault. A stupid mistake,” she explained. “Are you...worried I might hurt you?”
He gave a wry smile, verging on sardonic, by way of agreement. His attention was quickly pulled to her arm as she willing revealed more of the scarring to him, listening with interest as she explained how she'd come by it, dropping down to a crouch so he was on eye-level with her. Her question caught him a little off-guard and had him frowning slightly in confusion. "Why would I need to worry about that?" he asked her. "Because you made a mistake once?" He gestured towards her arm.
She smirked a little, shaking her head. “I wouldn’t. Not like this,” she said motioning with the burned arm. “I...don’t do it to hurt. Just to see it burn. Because...well that’s something else.” Edan watched him, liking that he was eye level with her now. “Because you keep your distance.”
It took Matt a moment to realise his mistake and when he did, a faint blush rose on his cheeks. "Oh," he said, rubbing the back of his neck as he rocked back on his heels. "You m..m...musn't take that as a reflection on y...you. I keep my distance from everyone. It's not especially rational of me I know..."
“It’s not irrational either,” Edan corrected, watching him, smiling ever so slightly at his blush. “You got hurt...But I wouldn’t...I didn’t. That’s not why I’m here.” She was quiet, watching her hands. “Do you miss it?”
He would argue that the extent to which he had issues with physical contact classed it as being something irrational but it was oddly warming to hear her say she didn't see it that way so he kept the thought to himself. It was also gratifying to see that she too fumbled for the right words to say and the embarrassment he'd felt at his earlier misstep began to fade. It wasn't hard to figure out what she meant by her question though which stopped the blush leaving his face entirely and he too dropped his head and began studying his hands. "It's hard to miss something you were never particularly comfortable with in the first place," he told her. "But there have been m...m...moments where I wish I didn't feel the way I do."
He was right. She supposed it was hard. “I miss it,” she told him gently. “That’s...part of what left me so shaken a few moments ago.” That was the hard thing, just having it and not being able to do more with it. “Which moments?”
“How long have you...?” He left the question open, sure she would understand what he meant without him having to spell it out. Clearly she wasn’t like him in that regard so he was curious to know whether it was prison that had made her wary like others he had encountered or something other. Her question had him glancing back up at her, a sad smile on his lips. “Now,” he said simply, a note of frustration clear in his voice.
Edan shrugged one shoulder. “Since prison. Getting cozy with people doesn’t always work well.” When he said that though, that now would be a moment she found herself fighting a lump in her throat. Nodding she held her hand out. “I won’t hurt you.”
“No it really doesn’t,” Matt said. “I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that. Prison is...not a kind place to anyone.” Then she was holding her hand out to him and he found himself battling a lump in his own throat, his heart starting to hammer in his chest. “I kn...kn...kn...know that,” he replied and while a part of his brain screamed in protest, he reached out one shaking hand to lightly rest atop her own.
“I survived,” Edan pointed out. “Though I came out a lot less bubblier than I was.” She watched him, patient and waiting on him, giving him his own ground. That he tried, that surprised her, but she tried not to let it show. She gave him a moment once his hand was there before she moved, twisting her hand to hold his, thumb running over the top of his fingers. It helped, it really did, just to be close to someone else again and on terms that didn’t leave her so shaken.
The touch may have been feather light but it was almost enough to make him jerk his hand free and bolt from the room. He forced himself to stay still though, gritting his teeth as sweat broke out down his back and focusing on his breathing. In. Out. In. Out. It couldn’t be denied however that the act wasn’t entirely selfless, him torturing himself for her sake even if Edan had been the catalyst - alien and uncomfortable as it was to be touched and touching someone else after so long, a part of him luxuriated in it, a comfort he had long lost the ability to indulge in.
She didn’t move quickly, not even when she looked up and watch him, concentration in his features. Edan fought the urge to sigh, especially when part of her was itching for more, but she eventually let him go, just as gently as he’d touched her in the first place.
While the part of him that had enjoyed the touch was disappointed to have it over so soon, it was far outweighed by the relief that came when she let go and, although he hated himself for doing it, Matt instinctively moved back from her, reclaiming his perch on the computer chair. Feeling strangely exhausted, his breathing, despite his best efforts to control it, came in ragged for air and his eyes were strangely bright as he looked back at her, his hands shaking.
Edan watching him, biting her lower lip as she tilted her head at him. It was that hard, that it left him that shaken, but he’d done it nonetheless. For her. Smirking a little she nodded slightly. “Thanks,” she said before pulling his hoodie that she was still holding on to into her hand, rested her cheek against it with her elbows propped on her knees.
He managed to smile back. “Hey, n..nn..no problem,” he said, sounding tired but faintly pleased like someone who had just run a marathon. He also couldn’t help noticing the way she was holding onto his hoodie, something that really wasn’t necessary now that they were in her room where she had full access to her own clothes but he didn’t feel a need to ask for it back just yet.
“Liar,” Edan said, though there a lighter tone to her voice, almost teasing. “But still thank you.” She turned her head into the fabric more, thinking while she breathed in the scent, something she’d only gotten hints of without him getting close to her. It was different, but soothing, mostly because it was different.
Matt nodded, unfazed at being called out on his less than truthful statement when really it had been his own pale attempt at humor more than anything, after all there was no disguising how hard it had been for him to take Edan’s hand but he was glad to have done it. “You’re welcome,” he told her. “I’m sorry it couldn’t be mm...more.”
“Maybe eventually,” Edan said, smiling a little at him. “If you want, of course.” He might not want it, but she hoped as much.
“I wouldn’t want to promise something I may not be able to make good on,” he said quietly. There was a moment’s silence before he looked at her and added. “That isn’t be saying I don’t like the idea though.” Granted it was also terrifying on a number of levels and not just because of the touching thing even if that was the main reason but he couldn’t deny how much he enjoyed being around Edan and the thought of being able to touch her without being gripped by paralysing fear was one he relished in.
“Only if you want,” she told him softly. “You aren’t making a promise, you’re just...considering the idea.” Edan smiled at him, something that matched the tone of her voice. “I won’t hurt you,” she heard herself promising again, wanting him to know that much for certain.
“What makes you think I don’t?” Matt asked, returning her smile with one on his own. “And I don’t believe that you would, certainly not intentionally. It’s not something I would you behold you to though, there is no predicting what lies ahead.”
She let out a soft noise at that, shaking her head. “I’d rather not at all, unintentionally included. That’s what I’m going to strive for.” Feeling herself blush a little she shrugged, not quite able to look at him. “And I don’t know. You might not even like me that much. You might just be nice and waiting for a chance to escape.”
He pulled a face at that, even if she was unable to see it. “If I didn’t like you, I w..w...wouldn’t be here Edan,” he told her, voice serious.
His tone had her looking up, eyes a little wider as she nodded. “Okay.” It was weird. Just a few months before, maybe a year at most, she wouldn’t have doubted that he liked her, that he wanted to be around her. She would have just known, maybe even expected it. People had liked her, easily without much effort on her part. These days she found herself doubting it.
Although his voice had been far from harsh despite the seriousness of his tone, the widening in her eyes had him softening it when he spoke again. “S..sorry, I...” He dropped his head. “I'm not good with p..people and you, you make me feel comfortable in a way I haven’t done in a long time.”
Edan shook her head, reaching out for him, but pulling her hand short to cling to the hoodie instead. “Don’t apologize,” she said shaking her head and smiling softly. “I used to be better with people. I was good at it. Popular and well liked and all that. Now I’m...now I’m just glad I do make you comfortable.”
He smiled a little. "I'm not surprised to hear that," he told her warmly. "You're very likeable." And if he finding her that way made her feel happier, well then that just made things better for both them.
She chuckled, just lightly and shook her head. “I was likeable. These days I’m not so sure.” It had been easier to be mean and standoffish in prison. It made her less of a target.
Matt shrugged his shoulders and sat back in the chair. “I didn’t know you then so all I have to go is what I’ve seen of you here and I like what I’ve seen,” he told her. “You shouldn’t judge yourself compared to who you were, time and experience change us. Granted not always for the better but still.”
Edan shook her head slowly, rubbing at her cheek a little. “No I doubt I’ve changed for the better. Changed, but not for the best.” She glanced at him, a ghost of a smile on her features. “I like what I’ve seen so far of you as well,” she added.
Although his smile brightened a touch at the compliment, shyness had him dropping his head to look at the toes of his sneakers. “That’s good to know,” he said quietly. “I hope it continues to be the case.”
“I’m sure it will,” Edan told him, then leaned back looking at herself. “I should change...And you should eat,” she said nodding towards the food he’d brought with him, but hadn’t touched. “But...maybe we can just hang out here while you do that?” she suggested as she got up, still holding on to his sweatshirt. If he didn’t ask for it back there was a chance she was going to just hold on to it, like some sort of life preserver.
Matt had actually forgotten about his food but at the reminder, his stomach saw fit to chime in as well and let out a growl and he flushed slightly. “I think you’re right,” he said sheepishly before venturing “And I’d like that.” As for his hoodie, he had no problem with her holding onto it as long as they were in her room though when it came time to leave, he’d be asking for it back. He may have been comfortable around Edan and to a lesser extent Wren but he wasn’t ready to walk back to his room without it, leaving himself exposed to anyone he might cross paths with.
Edan nodded with a smile at his stomach making noises then went to find herself something to change into. “Just make yourself comfortable,” she told him once she’d pulled out something to wear then nodded towards the bathroom. “I’ll be back in a minute.” She flashed him one more smile then closed the door behind her. It was nice, knowing she had someone there, someone she felt comfortable with and while she wasn’t readily thinking about it, she was starting to feel better.