Touching on Issues
Characters: Kyle & Adam Setting: Adam's room, evening
It had been a hell of a day so far, but Kyle was determined to actually make sure that he saw something of Adam. After their conversation last night, he had decided that he would give the guy some time - which was the reason he hadn't messaged him at all. Yet, when Adam hadn’t appeared for dinner (and Kyle had been watching out for him), the guy decided to go straight to the source. He knew where Adam lived, from the first day, and he headed up to his room, canvas under one arm.
He raised a hand to knock on the door, pausing for a moment as he took in the fact that there were symbols all over it. Huh. They hadn’t been there before. That was... another thing that was odd about his day, seemingly. Knocking on the door, he waiting to see if there would be an answer.
Adam hadn't meant to sleep, but the moment he'd landed on the bed he passed out, probably a combination of exhaustion from his lack of sleep and emotional turmoil, but he was also assuming that the pain medication that Cal had given him was helping. The nightmares stayed away for the first few hours, but it was only so long before terror jerked him awake, this time a painful memory that had left him sweat soaked, but thankfully silent.
Dragging himself from the bed he realized he was late for dinner, but not entirely that upset with it. It was one dinner. It wasn't like he was going to be chastised for missing it. Instead he focused on showering away the memory, one hand held out of the water as best he could, which wasn't an easy task. After he'd only bothered with his boxers, deciding to focus on replacing the bandage on his hand instead, rewrapping it and throwing out the old, stained gauze.
When someone knocked on his door he wasn't really thinking about what he was wearing, just focused on trying to tie off the last of his bandage. He wasn't really expecting anyone anyway and pulled the door open without asking who it was, surprised at the sight of Kyle. "Hey…"
Kyle took a step back as the door opened, revealing a not-quite-so-dressed Adam. “Oh! Hey - I... Have caught you at a bad time. Clearly. Sorry - I just... We said we’d talk. And I didn’t see you for dinner, so I thought that I would just... Here!” he said, realising that he was babbling as thrusting the painting in Adam’s direction. “You said you liked green, so I thought you might like this.” He’d used oils on the small canvas. A forest scene, shades of green covered it. It was peaceful, tranquil. A feeling of space and majesty. And, right now, hopefully detracting from Kyle’s less than graceful dealing of the situation.
For the most part Adam had quieted down internally, some things were still eating at him sure, but he was feeling more at ease with life in general than he had that morning, so Kyle’s babbling was seen as just that, babbling. He couldn’t help giving Kyle a bit of a curious look at that, but it changed when the painting was thrust at him. Adam reached for it with his hurt hand, holding it up a little to look at it. “You did this?” he asked, moving out of the doorway to Kyle could let himself into the room.
Kyle nodded, stepping into the room. “It’s what I do.” He looked around and, since Adam hadn’t pulled the whole ‘come back later when I’m dressed’ thing, he decided that the best thing to do was simply to ignore it. If Adam was comfortable, then that was fine. “What happened to your hand?” he asked instead. That concerned him more, especially after what had gone on last night.
Closing the door behind Kyle, he hadn’t even considered saying that it was a bad time. It wasn’t so much a comfort thing, just distracted for the moment. Adam had switched which hand he was holding the painting in, wincing at the dull ache in the hurt one, but wound up setting it down to look at it for a longer moment. It was good, really good, not something he would have guessed anyone would ever give him. “Makes sense that it is...this is nice.” Not the best wording to his compliment but Adam obviously sounded impressed. “You okay?” he asked, turning to look back at Kyle, still trying to sort out the babbling part. At Kyle’s question, Adam shrugged. “Punched my mirror this morning. Doc says I’ll heal.”
“Generally speaking, punching mirrors is a bad idea. So they say. It do something to offend you?” he asked, making a decision and sitting down in Adam’s chair, crossing his legs and leaning back, relaxing a little. He still wanted to talk properly about yesterday, regardless.
“So I’ve been told...twice today. I was mad, wanted something to break, and my reflection pissed me off.” Adam shrugged one shoulder, watching Kyle sit, then went to lean back on his desk, crossing his arms over his chest before he realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Shit. There was a moment where he looked down at himself, then went to find something to wear. “You didn’t answer my question.”
Kyle blinked and thought back through their conversation. “Am I okay? Yeah. Kinda weird day, but I’m okay,” he said, then focused on Adam. “A more important question to me is the ‘how are you doing?’ one. I’d ask if you’re feeling better today, but given that you started off the day with punching a mirror, I’m gonna guess that the answer is ‘no’ and skip straight to - you wanna talk about it?”
Adam made a small face as he pulled his jeans on, glancing towards Kyle then nodding towards the door. “You were kinda babbly at the door...” he tried to clarify. “Shouldn’t I be asking if you want to talk about your weird day?” He dug a shirt out of the dresser, not putting it on right away while he thought about what Kyle was saying. “I’m better than I was a few hours ago,” he offered as if that might make things better. “And I guess. I got pissed. Becka was here last night and things went...bad so I got maybe half an hour of sleep on the activity room couch, and got back to an note from Wren from the bar deciding I’m her new project. I got pissed. And that was before she decided to doodle on my door.”
"My day's not really anything I want to talk about. In that most of it's not my story to tell," he explained. He wasn't going to be spreading Meg's issues around the place. "Becka stayed here last night? So, are you two...?" He left the question hanging, partly to avoid being explicit, and partly because even if they were a couple, clearly something had gone wrong.
“Are we...” Adam echoed not quite sure what Kyle was asking before shaking his head and pulling his shirt on. “Whatever, no. The answer’s probably no. She...likes me I guess, but she’s...scared of me too. She painted her room yesterday and I was letting her stay here while her room aired out.”
Kyle closed his eyes and inhaled, mentally preparing himself before he looked at Adam and made himself ask, "Why is she scared of you?" He didn't really want to know the answer. He himself was scared of what he might hear.
Adam didn’t answer at first. Partially because he didn’t want to and another part because the way Kyle seemed to be prepping himself for the answer? That left him less wanting to tell the other man. Leaning back against the desk again he weighed his options then remembered what Wren had said, to stop pushing people away. Maybe this was what trying looked like. “I went to jail for manslaughter and kidnapping. Becka...kind of looks like her. It’s a little unsettling for me and when I told her...she looked a little sick.”
"Oh." Kyle wasn't sure how to take that. "Why... Why did you tell her?" he asked, confused by that.
That was actually a good question and as he thought about it, Adam was starting to wish he hadn’t. “Because it got to me, I got upset about it and then she asked and...I should have kept my mouth shut. But I never claimed to be good at dating or...whatever that is.”
So there was something there. Kyle filed that away for reference, but didn't comment. If Adam was with Becka, then that was his business. Well, side from one fairly pertinent point. “Don't take this the wrong way, but... Are you any danger to her?" Twenty four hours ago, Kyle would have sworn blind that Adam was no danger to anyone. Of course, try was before he knew about the kidnap and murder charge. And before he'd seen him with no shirt on. The guy was not as scrawny as he looked fully clothed, that was for certain.
Adam deflated at the question, one hand going to rub at his shoulder, where his tattoo was. It had itched too much when he got it and even now he still reached for that spot when he was anxious and needed something to do with his hand. “I don’t know,” he said towards the ground, but wound up looking back up at Kyle after a moment. “I have...I don’t know.”
That... Didn't sound good. Surely they wouldn't put someone in here who would actively be a danger? And in more of a kind of 'you're pissing me off, let's fight' way. "So, what are you going to do now?" he asked, once again feeling entirely out if his depth. That was starting to be his default setting, he thought.
Shrugging one shoulder Adam looked at Kyle, as if something in him might give him an answer. “I have no idea. Wait to see what happens? I...I was an ass to her this morning at the clinic. I’m guessing she’s done with me. So I’ll go back to being invisible and unwanted. Wasn’t really sure what she was seeing in the first place.”
Kyle frowned at that, not understanding Adam’s reaction. He took a moment, but then decided that he couldn’t just ignore it. He just hoped that Adam didn’t take real offence to what he had to say. Today was simply reminding him again and again that he didn’t know any of these people. Not really. He had no idea what any of them were capable of. “Adam – please don't take offence at this. But… You just told me that Becka’s scared of you, because you told her that she reminds you of a girl that you were convicted of kidnapping and killing. And then, on top of that, you were ‘an ass’ to her this morning? I… I really don’t think that the ‘poor me’ act is justifiable right now. Unless there’s something that I’m really missing here?” he said, keeping his voice calm and steady, trying not to sound accusatory at all. Maybe there was something he didn’t know. Or maybe Wren had been spot on with her assessment last night. That the guy needed help.
“Should I be more the arrogant asshole about it?” Adam asked instead, raising an eyebrow at Kyle, his sense of humor giving him an almost defiant look. After a moment it faded and he moved, dropping to sit on his bed, running both hands over his hair for a moment. “It’s not ‘poor me’,” he corrected when he looked up again. “I’ve spent most of my life with no friends, not even the sweet people like Becka noticed or cared. And I was an ass because I was still angry.” Adam held his hurt hand up then rubbed his face, closing his eyes for a moment while he thought of her tear-streaked face. He probably shouldn’t have been so mean, she was just upset and maybe worried about him. Probably worried about him. “She got upset that I left and didn’t come back last night and I accused her of not waiting long enough.” He looked back down at his hands, palms up like they might tell him something. “What you’re missing, is that I don’t remember doing what I’m in for doing,” he said, finding himself, yet again, just telling someone. He’d blamed just telling Wren on being tired, because she was so damn determined to help, but that wasn’t a good excuse for Kyle. Kyle seemed like he wanted to help, but at the same time, he kept giving Adam ground if Adam skirted around things. Maybe it was more that he wanted Kyle to like him and without the truth Kyle didn’t seem to have the best impression of him. “None of it. I remember hooking up with that girl, then I remember coming to a few days later and she was dead.” He almost went on to explain that he had flashes of memories, and couldn’t determine if they were made up, supplied by his mind in attempt to make sense of the blackout or just living nightmares. “It’s not me being down on myself; it’s me desperately wanting to go back to where everyone thought I was worth forgetting.” And Adam was fairly certain he couldn’t get back there.
Kyle moved to sit beside Adam on the bed, resting a hand lightly on his back. Apparently, today was also his day to comfort people, though this wasn't just about that. "Adam," he said, carefully. "There's a big gulf between being focused on feeling sorry for yourself, and acting like an asshole. I'm not going to claim to know what's going on between you and Becka, but... If you're sitting there and saying that you want to go back to being some kind of invisible nobody where everyone ignores you? That is you feeling sorry for yourself. And not looking at this whole situation properly as a result. Your situation - seems harsh. What you went through. And not being able to remember must be just awful. But - I don't understand how you get from that to just wanting to disappear. To wanting nobody to give a damn about you." Kyle really was confused about that. He didn't understand where Adam was coming from at all here, and he knew he was flat out ignoring a few things which came to mind, just to try and understand the situation a little better first.
Adam kept his eyes on Kyle as he moved, watched his hand reach out for him, but it wasn’t until Kyle touched him that he realized what his intention. While he didn’t jerk away from the contact, even if he kind of felt like he should, it was a long moment before he relaxed under it, drifting the very slightest bit closer. “My friends are why I am here,” Adam clarified, willing for Kyle to know more of the truth that he couldn’t tell, hoping he’d see that. “I wasn’t like that before them. I was the guy who wouldn’t hurt anyone and now I...I don’t know what I am.” Because even after the fact, looking at the evidence, he was still surprised he was capable of anything like that. Could he really get that angry?
Kyle remained of the opinion that Adam's reactions to the whole situation with Becka were off, which had his alarm bells ringing, but he was here now and he wasn't just going to walk away. He had promised Adam that he'd have his back and he was going to stick to that. He would do what he could. It just meant that anything he said or did was going to be tempered by an awareness that Adam might not be the harmlessly sweet guy he had first appeared. The guy who Adam said he had been 'before'. "What happened with your friends?" he asked, his voice soft and calm on purpose as he started to store small circles on Adam's back. That much had seemed to calm Meg down earlier.
The movement might have been intended to calm Adam down but it was more doing the opposite. He’d gone from calm, fine with the whole ‘hand on his back’ thing, mostly, but the circles? That was definitely throwing off his thought process and bringing the slightest bit of color to his cheeks. There was a full moment or two before he managed to remember Kyle had asked a question and another few where he tried to formulate an answer all the while completely distracted by the contact. “I...I got into all sorts of things with them. They were...troublemakers I guess. Drinking, drugs, girls. Jeff was this prankster and after a while his pranks were almost sinister and I didn’t want to lose the only friends I had...”
"Peer pressure can be a bitch," Kyle agreed, though he had always been the type to go his own way, rather than fall in line with what everyone else was doing. This wasn't about him though, and the comment was meant to be an encouragement for Adam to keep on talking.
Adam shook his head, feeling himself inch towards Kyle again, but not entirely sure why. “You’ve never not had friends,” he pointed out. “It was like zero to sixty and it wasn’t peer pressure. I wanted to be there, I loved being there. I was Jeff’s guy. His right hand man. I should have stopped him after he burned down the house, but...I’d gotten too used to being part of his group. And...and now I’m here. They fucked me over.” They had. Two words. Two simple words that Adam knew carried an honest threat behind them. “I shouldn’t have been capable of what I’m in for. I don’t feel that way now. Just the thought makes me sick, but...maybe I was.”
"That's what peer pressure is," Kyle told him, still rubbing circles on his back, absently. "Making you want something yourself, making you feel like you have to do certain things, and agree to certain things for everything that's happening, that you enjoy and love, to keep on happening. Making you do things that otherwise you'd say no to. Making you your own accomplice. Until, suddenly, you're in too far, too deep and you don't recognise yourself anymore."
Adam was still half distracted at the contact, not because it was lulling him to calm but more because it actually felt good. It was something he wasn’t used to and without real consciousness as to where his thoughts headed, he found himself wanting more. “Fine, peer pressure then. I’m an after-school special,” he said, reaching to give Kyle’s knee a playful push.
Kyle frowned and pulled back a little, dropping his hand and whilst he didn't actively move away from Adam, he did lean back slightly. "Stop that," he admonished, though he didn't mean the push. "Stop putting yourself down like that. Have a bit of faith in yourself." He bit back the rest of that comment - which was that maybe, if he wasn't so damn down on himself, then he would never have felt that he had to do whatever his so called friends had got him to do in the first place.
The lack of contact was like a blast of cold air, leaving Adam frowning. “It was just a joke,” he tried, hating that he’d done something to push Kyle away. “I feel too responsible to be an after school special. I have faith in me, but just the things I can do.”
"If you make jokes at your own expense, you just make it easier for other people to do the same. I've sat here and I've listened to you find one way after another to just repeatedly put yourself down, all the while claiming that you're not. You are. And I get that you've been through shit. Which, pretty much by definition, everyone here has had something bad happen to them. And I'm not trying to take away from what you've personally been through or anything. But, from where I'm sitting, what I'm seeing is a guy who's hiding from his problems behind this wall of 'I'm fucking worthless'." Kyle cut off his words, because he could hear the frustration behind them, making them come out sharp and biting. He was just frustrated and irritated that there were things that Adam had raised in this conversation that Kyle thought the guy could really do with talking about and yet everything kept getting distracted and avoided by what Kyle had mentally named 'the angst'.
Adam’s eyebrow raised at Kyle’s tone, the way it had taken such a change and didn’t quite know what to do with it. “You’re mad at me,” he said possibly pointing out the obvious, but it was the one thing that rang out above everything else. “I know what my problems are. I can make you a list if you’d like. There’s no hiding from them.” He paused, frowning a little. “I’m not quite sure what it is you want to hear me say.” Because it felt now like he was missing something, something he should have said at some point to make this go better.
“I’m not mad at you!” Kyle snapped, then stopped and took a breath, trying that again, running a ragged hand through his hair, picking at bits of paint that he’d clearly missed when he’d showered earlier. “...I’m not mad at you. I’m frustrated. It’s... It’s been a long day,” he offered, backing away from any real explanation, and from trying to say anything else about Adam himself.
Adam shifted back at the snap, but then watched Kyle compose himself and realized that he probably didn’t mean it that harsh. “Tell me about it,” he offered, feeling like maybe Kyle needed someone to talk to too and while sure, they were talking about Adam and he was obviously frustrated with Adam, he could use a reprieve in talking about himself.
Kyle shrugged and shook his head. “I... Am way out of my depth,” he breathed, after the world’s longest pause, his entire body sagging as he gave himself to the admission. He looked at Adam, the emotions clearly playing across his face now, broken and completely lost. “I just...” He closed his eyes. He couldn’t say what he wanted, it would make absolutely no sense to anyone. He just didn’t know what to do, or which way to turn.
Oh. Adam had no idea what he was really expecting, but that was definitely not it. Not that broken look on Kyle’s face, not the way his whole body seemed to give up the fight of standing strong. It sent a sting of panic through him because he wanted to help, to make it better, but he really wasn’t great at that sort of thing. Hesitating for a moment he timidly reached an arm out, touching Kyle’s shoulder before sliding it across so it was around him, silently hoping that was right and not so very wrong. “Just what?”
Kyle leaned into Adam without a moment’s hesitation, grateful for the support. “Just that I have no real clue what I’m doing. I thought I did. But, I don’t. And there are days when I can fake it. And then there are days when everything just comes slamming home. Reality just hits so hard.”
Adam wanted to sigh that the hug thing didn’t result in Kyle hitting him, but then Kyle was leaning into him and Adam felt his eyes go wide. Focus, he ordered himself silently, because Kyle needed someone who wasn’t freaking out about what exactly this meant. “What are you faking? Because you seem to be doing fine to me.”
Kyle pressed his forehead against Adam’s shoulder and breathed in deeply. He exhaled, gathering himself and then sat up, pulling away a little, carefully piecing himself back together, though the cracks were still very visible. “That’s what I’m faking,” he explained. He closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. “Faking the fact that I know how to do any of this.”
That movement, him closer, him breathing deeper had Adam’s heart racing for absolutely no good reason and when Kyle pulled away he had to force himself to not fight it. Nonetheless, his hand stayed on Kyle’s back, watching him with wide eyes. He could see it, the way Kyle put things back together, but not perfectly. Maybe it was an act. A really fucking good one because Adam was usually better at noticing things like that. Reaching for Kyle’s hand to pull it away from his face, he shook his head. “No one does. Not a single one and if anyone does they’re either stupidly, naive or lying out their ass.”
Kyle looked up at him, through his fingers, all big blue eyes and uncertainty. “I thought I could do better,” he admitted.
Fuck. In the back of Adam’s mind he distantly wondered if this was an act, an attempt to get him to fall for...something, but even if it was? Adam was pretty sure he was fine with it, because when Kyle looked at him like that, all he wanted to do was make it better. Make everything better. “Why? Because you’re prettier than the rest of us?” he teased, trying for a smile even if it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Prettier? Really? That was what came to mind? It wasn’t even a good joke and Adam wanted to roll his eyes at himself.
Kyle laughed at that, even if it was a sad kind of laugh, rather than a real one. “You’re never gonna let me forget that comment, are you?” he asked, assuming that Adam was linking it back to their very first conversation when Kyle had referred to himself as pretty.
“It’s only funny because it’s true,” Adam said with a little more of a smile, pulling at Kyle’s hand more, trying to get him to look at him. “So no.” He had no idea what comment he was talking about; he’d only said it because he’d just be reacting to those stupid blue eyes that were easily the definition of pretty. “No one expects you to be perfect. Me least of all.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking the comment at face value, not wanting to really argue it right now, for all he could think of a few comebacks. “Sorry for...” he waved at himself. He was usually better at keeping it all together than this. He had just been unbalanced so much lately.
“Don’t,” Adam said, almost forceful, trying to stop the hand that was waving with his own. “Don’t apologize. Please don’t.” He wanted to swear at himself because that sounded downright pathetic, but for all of thirty seconds there with Kyle’s head on his shoulder Adam hadn’t felt like a complete lost cause, hadn’t felt like he was the one that needed to be fixed. Pulling both hands back to himself he looked at them for a moment then back up Kyle. “If I try and stop making jokes at my own defense will you stop trying to be perfect around me?”
Kyle smiled a little. “You got my back, right?” he suggested, though he knew there was a whole lot here he was ignoring. A whole lot that maybe, if circumstances had been different, he would have chased down, asked about. But right now, today, after Meg and Dom - even Jun-he. He couldn’t cope with any more answers. For now, he would have to keep his own doubts to himself, even if it felt like a betrayal.
“Of course,” Adam said with a smirk, leaning back to look at Kyle’s back. “Mostly ‘cause it’s a nice back though.” The joke was pointless, barely made sense, but it put him at ease to make it, despite the undertones of it. It was definitely lighter than the question seemed to be.
Kyle looked round, still building his mental walls, hiding his uncertainty imperfectly. That felt like flirting. Only, he hadn’t read Adam that way. And with the talk of Becka... He wasn’t sure what to think. Apparently, he was destined to be surrounded by men who confused him.
Adam couldn’t quite read Kyle perfectly, not with the look he was giving him now that seemed just off in general. Running his tongue along the inside of his lower lip he waited for an answer, and switched to biting his lip with he didn’t get one. “What?” he wound up blurting when Kyle didn’t say anything.
Kyle considered his options and then made a decision. “You’re a sweet guy, Adam. And a friend. Thank you - and if there’s anything I can do to help you figure things out with Becka, let me know,” he said, kindly. It covered things, without actually making anything at all explicit. Right now, Kyle needed to work on himself, on being less confused, at being able to cope here. Adam was one of the more manageable aspects of that, he hoped.
Adam felt his cheeks pink at that, ducking his head as he shook it. Why did that feel like some sort of...push off? Probably because he’d only ever been called ‘sweet’ by girls who patted his cheek the morning after. “Yeah,” he said with a nod, not quite looking up at Kyle because he couldn’t shake that overwhelming feeling of being embarrassed for no good reason. He didn’t point out that things with Becka had probably been torpedoed already. “Same to you, you know with feeling like you can’t handle things.”
Kyle smiled a little. “I’m working on that. Just gotta work a few things out. Readjust my world view again. It’ll be fine,” he said. That was the walls talking. They were going back up again. “Look, Adam - I think you, maybe... I think we can both know now that I’m not the best person to talk to about things. If you want me - I’m always there to listen to you. But I’m not the best with advice or knowing what to do with things. But - especially with the memory loss and all... There’s a doctor here. Have you, maybe, thought of talking to him?” he asked, really carefully, not wanting to offend, but unable to ignore his concerns entirely. And, well, given some of Adam’s comments, Kyle had to wonder if he would have a better chance of getting through to the guy than most.
Adam caught that that answer seemed a little too formulaic, especially where given where Kyle had been a few moments before. Shifting back so he was slightly closer, but not too much. “It’s okay if it’s not fine for a while.” He nodded some, pulling one leg up to rest his foot on the bed, mostly to give Adam something to do with his hands that wasn’t touching Kyle even if he was already missing the contact. “Already talked to him. He was thinking about doing some sort of sleep study thing. I don’t know if he got what he needed with the clinic, but maybe. Still not sure how I feel about being poked while I’m asleep.”
Kyle gave Adam a wry look. “If you think it’s okay not to be fine for a while, you obviously weren’t in the same prison I was last year,” he deadpanned. There he’d had to keep his shit together all the time. Every moment. Show no weakness, show no damn humanity. Hide everything, lock it all away. And now he was here and being given the chance to be himself again, yet he didn’t know what had changed and what was still the same. “Look - if the doctor thinks that whatever he wants to do will help you, I’m happy to sit there all damn night and watch over you,” he offered.
Adam almost smiled. Not quite but almost. “I don’t know, the days where I seemed completely out of my skull? Those were the weeks people left me alone.” When he seemed fine was when they tried to remind him of how fucked he was. “But more that’s the advice everyone’s been giving me when I tell them I’m fine. Sorry if I don’t believe you, that’s my go-to lie too.” He shrugged a little almost laughing. “He thinks it might help with the nightmares. Probably not going to do much with my lack of memories, but the nightmares maybe...he suggested someone stay with me when he does it.” And while his thoughts had gone to Mazie originally, Kyle would probably be a decent choice too. They were supposed to have each other’s backs.
“In my experience? If you seem crazy, people generally steer clear. If you seem relatively stable? You’re game.” Kyle laughed at himself, putting it like that. “Maybe I chose the wrong approach. No, no, I don’t mean that. I just... I’m worried, Adam. I feel like I’m drowning here. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you,” he admitted.
“Crazy’s the only reason I got as far as I did as unscathed as I was.” Which was still pretty damn roughed up, but at least nothing physical was left to show. Reaching out he put a hand on Kyle’s arm. “I won’t let you drown,” he promised, surprised at it. But it was true, he hated seeing that broken version of Kyle, hated knowing that lurked beneath the surface. “If I was gonna drown it would have been a while ago.”
Kyle was not certain that he actually believed that. He didn’t think that Adam really had a handle on himself. Either that, or he was stunningly bad at expressing himself, and didn’t realise just how he came across to other people. But, today was clearly not the day to get into that. It had all been too much. “I should get going,” he said, instead, smoothing his shirt back down into place.
As for Kyle’s concerns it was a probably somewhere in between the two , but Adam was determined not to think of himself as having already hit rock bottom. There seemed like a lot further left to go. “You don’t have to,” he blurted when Kyle said he should leave, feeling an awful lot liked he’d said something to run him off.
Kyle arched a brow. “Yeah - I do. It’s... getting late, and I really need to get some sleep. You should too,” he added, especially if he’d run from this room last night, meaning he had slept god knew where. If at all.
Right well that was beyond logical and something Adam probably could have thought of before he tried to stop him. Way to seem clingy loser. The mental chastising went completely against what he’d told Kyle he’d stop doing, but he wound up nodding nonetheless. “Oh right. Yeah. I already slept through half the day so...Sorry.”
Kyle fixed him a look, and held it for long enough that it was pointed. Only then did he start to speak. “I have a job for you,” he said, overly seriously. “For the next forty-eight hours, I want you to stop apologising. In fact, I want you to stop blaming yourself for anything. And every time you do, I... Want you to write that down. If you want, send it to me. But - I don’t think you realise how often you do it, Adam.”
That look was a little unsettling and Adam twitched under it until Kyle actually spoke. Then when he did Adam wanted to go back to twitching while he got looked at pointedly. That sounded like something completely ridiculous, but he didn’t quite feel the urge to protest. Though, there was something else that came to mind. “Only if you do the same for when you feel overwhelmed. For...what leaves you feeling out of your depth. Shit, maybe I can help.” Probably not, but he’d give it a shot.
Kyle smiled, a little sadly. No doubted anyone could really help him - but that wasn’t Adam’s fault. He’d chosen his own path, after all. Now he just had to walk it. “Of course. Any time I’m feeling out of my depth,” he confirmed.
“For real though, no...lying about thinking you’ve got it under control,” Adam said, realizing that sounded harsh, but Kyle had been on and on about how he was fine and then came completely unglued on him. Adam was starting to doubt the ‘put together’ version of Kyle. “‘I’ve got your back’ can be more than me willing to jump into a fight for yah.”
“I’m not looking for a protector,” Kyle retorted, then wished he hadn’t been so harsh. It was a gut reaction though. He knew how people saw him. Like he was a china doll, easily breakable. He hated the suggestion that that was what he actually was. Of course, that twitch was in no way helped by the fact that in the last year he had had to resort to finding just that - someone who would protect him. Or the price he had had to pay for that.
Adam’s head tilted slightly at the response. “Never said you did,” he clarified feeling like he, of all people, was totally not qualified to be anyone’s protector. “Never said we’d win the fight.” He smirked a little. “Just...trying to be a friend. Or something. Well, someone, but you get the idea.”
“Sorry, I just... Well, look at me,” he shrugged. “People tend to figure right off that I need protecting. I don’t. Well - most of the time I don’t.” He trusted that Adam would get the difference and forgive it.
“What do you think they think of me?” Adam asked. With the permission he took a moment to give Kyle the once over, shrugging a little. “Outside of here the only context I can see you in is like school and I’m guessing you didn’t need a damn thing there. Mr. Popular or whatever.” He quirked a little smile, hoping to get one in return.
Adam got his wish as Kyle quirked a smile in return, not accepting or denying the other man’s assessment. “I think their assessment probably changes. Or, at least, that’s what you suggested earlier. But, for me - yeah, I’ll admit that maybe you hit my protective instincts when we first met,” he acknowledged, keeping to himself his musings on whether that needed to be reassessed or not. He would get nowhere in here if he judged people by ‘normal’ standards, after all.
That got a curious look, Adam making a bit of a face after. “Oh I see how it is. You get to think about me all protectively and I can’t think of you the same way. Even when some weird tattooed guy is making the moves on you.” Adam rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Double standard for sure.”
Kyle floundered for a moment. “I... I don’t know if he’s making the moves on me!” he exclaimed, though that was far from what he had insteaded to say - which had been a much smoother comment about how life was life and you just had to put up with double standards.
Adam had to bite his lip to keep from laughing, shaking his head a little. “Technically I wouldn’t know. I am...I have no actual experience in move-making, but from where I was sitting he was...oddly interested.” He made a little face at the idea and shook his head. “Did you want him to be?”
“God, why is that always everyone’s damn question?” Kyle asked, raking a hand through his hair. “I don’t know! I hardly know the guy! He’s just - He just turns up and makes these comments and half the time I just think the joke’s on me! And he’s just so... I don’t know if I’ve even met the real man yet.”
Adam’s hand went to touch Kyle’s trying to calm him a little. “Why is that a bad question?” he ventured first, but wound up nodding. “Okay so...maybe. I get where you’re coming from where it seems like he’s just joking or he’s...not who he says he is. I’m just curious.” And even more so now that Kyle was so agitated.
“And I’m just... I don’t have an answer for you,” Kyle said, looking a little pained. “The guy is... Everything about him suggests I should run away screaming. But... I don’t want to write someone off, just because they’re different. And, you have to admit - he was sweet with Wren. So, maybe she can have him and then I can just not even have to think about it. I’m good for a simple life.” Which had, of course, been the reason why he’d tried to diplomatically cut Adam himself off earlier on.
“If I had to guess, that’s what he wants. People think he’s different and judge him for it. I say...stay indifferent about him in general. Maybe he’ll find someone else to flirt with.” Adam shrugged a little, trying not to think about how he wasn’t sure what Leandro had that was so appealing to Kyle that he wanted to give him chances but maybe he’d missed something. “Simple isn’t bad. I could do simple.” Not that he guessed simple was in the cards for him if how things had gone with Becka were any indicator.
“Maybe,” Kyle agreed, though he had to wonder how much of that was genuine advice, and how much was a result of what he had suspected earlier. Either way, it didn’t make a huge amount of difference. Kyle was going to be cautious about Leandro. Or, at least, he was going to play it by ear and hope it didn’t all go horribly wrong. Given what he had learnt about people today, god knew what the tattooed, obnoxious, extroverted man had done to land himself in here. “Well, here’s to simple, I guess.”
Hopefully, Adam thought, but wasn’t sure where the thought came from exactly. “Here’s to it,” he said.
Kyle quirked a smile and stood. "I'll see you soon, Adam," he promised. "And if you need me, you know where I am. Enjoy the picture," he added, nodding towards the canvas.
Adam jumped to his feet when Kyle got up, not entirely sure why, but maybe just to follow him towards the door. “Yeah. Same to you...I’m the door with the crazy shit written on it.” He grinned a little then looked at the canvas. “Definitely enjoy it. I really like it. Thanks.”
"Good. Then, sleep well," Kyle told him, taking the final steps to the door. He's find his way back to his room, he knew. But not straight away. He had too much to think about right more. He'd need to walk for a bit. Process. Deal.
“You too,” Adam said, wanting to follow him more, but he let Kyle go. He doubted he’d sleep any time soon, but maybe eventually. Maybe not. Only the night would tell.