Adam Samuels (adamsammy) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-09-18 00:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | adam, adam and wren, day four, wren |
Keep the Prophet-ing to Yourself
Characters: Adam and Wren
Setting: Midday, outside his room
The elevator ride up to the second floor was slow, slower than necessary because Adam kept replaying the sight of Becka crying as the doors closed on her. Well done champ. He wasn’t normally an asshole, but apparently he was rather good at it when he tried to be. Banging his head against the wall a few times the elevator finally stopped and Adam made a dash for his room. That was the plan, lock himself in there until he found a way out of this funk that was eating at him, until the anger was gone and then maybe message Wren to tell her to leave him the hell alone. What he didn’t expect was her standing outside his door. Maybe he’d just tell her now, probably in the same asshole manner he’d just talked to Becka with, but maybe that’d be good. People would leave him alone because he was dick. He opened his mouth to say something to her until he realized she was writing on his door with a marker. “What the actual fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Wren had gotten over halfways done covering the whole door in runes. She was on her knees by now, for comfort, and paused when Adam addressed her. Or, snapped at her, more accurately, but still. Looking up at him, she didn't look sheepish or anything. "Helping." she answered. "Do you need to get inside? I can move."
“Helping?!” Adam felt his voice raise in pitch, eyes narrowing. “How is this...what is it...what are you doing?” He wasn’t quite making sense or asking a proper question, too frazzled that she thought writing all over his door was allowed or helping at all.
"I'm writing runes." Wren said, shifting to face him, sitting back on her feet for the time being. "They're all positive, I can assure you. I can show you their definitions, later if you'd like." she said. She watched him, concern yet again fixing on her features. "You're upset." she noted. "What's the matter?"
For a few blinks he just stared at her, mouth partially open. She was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. “Of course I’m upset! You’re writing ‘target’ in some strange ass fucking language all over my door! Why would I not be upset!” How did she not see that? How?
Wren looked puzzled for a moment, glancing at the door, then back at him. "It doesn't say 'target'." she told him. "You say target. I was hoping this would help your mental state. I can see it's rather...fragile, at the moment." she added. "I also do not believe you're upset with me. Or, no. That's not correct. You're upset with me, but you aren't as upset as you are right now just because of me."
“How do you not...How do you not see that? That,” he waved towards her doodles or whatever the fuck they were. “That is not helping.” Adam glared at her, breathing heavier than he would have liked. “No. I’m upset with you. In this moment I am really upset with you. And I am not fragile.” Not really at least, though the bandage on his hand might say something else about that.
"For all anyone knows you put them there." Wren pointed out. "You could just be expressing yourself. I've read on the journals, people wanting to spice up their space with paint and the like. You could be doing that." she pointed out. "I don't see why it would be viewed as anything but that. And yes, I'm aware right now you're upset with me, I just think you can't possibly be this angry just because of a little writing on your door." she pointed out, staying calm the whole time. "And you are fragile. For instance, if I'm incorrect, and you really are this intensely angry over some writing on your door, which doesn't say anything bad, then you are even more fragile than I thought, because that would tell me that you have no control over your emotional state whatsoever." All throughout her words, she still looked very concerned.
“Why in the hell would I do this?” Adam demanded waving at his door again. “I can’t even decide what color I want Kyle to paint my fucking room, why would I start scribbling all over my door with...whatever this is.” Adam ran his hurt hand over his face, wincing when he realized which hand he’d picked. He closed his eyes for a moment then turned to look at her. “No, I am really intensely angry at your decision to meddle with my life. This is just...some sort of fucked up icing on a shit cake.”
"Runes." she reminded him. "And you should go with blue, it's calming." she added. "Light, however, not dark." She noticed he was injured when he put his hand to his face, it was far more obvious then. "You're hurt." she noted. "Are you alright? Did someone attack you?"
“Oh runes,” Adam said sarcastically, like that explained everything when it didn’t. “I don’t want blue.” Not when Becka’s room was already that color. He looked down at his hand again and frowned. “No, no one attacked me. I attacked my mirror.” He wanted to yell at her again, but she was managing to distract him.
"Are you okay?" she asked, pushing herself to her feet to walk over, wanting to see for herself. She didn't see any blood or anything, there was clearly a fresh bandage in place, but still. “Why did you attack your mirror?”
“No I’m not okay,” Adam said, still looking at his door and motioning towards it again. Then she was moving closer and he found himself just staring at her. “Because I was pissed at your little message. And...everything else.”
"Why were you angry with my message?" she asked. "And what's 'everything else'?" she added, since she figured that was the more important bit. She'd already said she was thinking there was more to this than just her writing on his door. So, there it was.
“Because I don’t need your help. And I don’t need you looking at me like you do or drawing cards for me or this. Stop. I am not...not some broken thing you can fix and you sure as hell don’t really need to announce to everyone else that I’m broken. That’s. Not. Helping.” He let out a sigh, looking at his door and scowling. What was he going to do with this?
Wren gave him a moment before she answered, not because she needed to think of what to say, just he looked like he needed a second to breathe. "You need someone's help." she said lightly. "Possibly a lot of people's help. Pushing people away who want to help you won't make you feel better. It won't help the anger go away. It won't make you less broken. I'm not trying to 'fix' you. No one can do that. I just want to help you. There's a difference." She drew in a breath, rubbing lightly at one of the scars on her wrist in an absent manner. "I believe that people either ignore, or haven't said what they see in you. I will. I think you wouldn't have reacted like you did if you'd heard it put out there like I'd said before, and that just makes me think you need someone around who will be honest with you all the more. You may not like what I have to say, but that doesn't mean you don't need to hear it."
Adam had to swallow a groan, rubbing his face again (this time with the uninjured hand) and fought another scowl. “I’m not going to become unbroken any time soon. There’s nothing that can be fixed,” he grumbled, feeling tired, which he was blaming on the fact that so far it had been a long morning and he’d gotten next to no sleep. Why wasn’t she just going away? Why was she so damn determined to make him some sort of project?
Wren frowned. "I think I just said that..." she said. "I said I wasn't trying to fix you at all...I did say that, right?" she asked, hoping she wasn't imagining things. "I'll say it again. I'm not trying to fix you. I don't believe in that. I believe in moving forward. Broken things are broken. But that doesn't mean you can't find a new way to go about things, and the one you're employing right now is awful. Not to mention a little ridiculous, and as transparent as water. You need someone who will tell you these things, because it seems like you're surprised at it all...and you really shouldn't be." She watched him, still looking worried. "If I can tell you the things you don't want to hear, and help you, perhaps you can just be angry with me, and not your mirror?" It wasn’t the first time in her life she’d been faced with anger for what she had to say. Sometimes, people just weren’t prepared for the truth. They had to go through stages before they got there. She was patient. And persistent.
“I wasn’t doing all that bad until you started poking at things!” Adam said but it lacked the bite he wanted it too. No, he was starting to get worn out. “I’m not...surprised. I’m just trying not to air everything.” He looked over at her making a face. “Why the hell are you bothering? You could just...go away and I can stay locked up in there until they let me go.”
Wren looked at him with sympathy. "I think someone needed to poke." she told him gravely. She reached out to put a hand on his arm, very lightly. "I care." she told him simply. "I don't like to see people in pain, or struggling." she offered. "It goes against my nature to stand idly by." She glanced back towards his room. "They won't let you go if you stay locked up in there. We're supposed to function as a community." she added. "You could always think of my help as a means to an end."
“No one needed to poke,” Adam grumbled, but fell silent when she touched him, looking at her hand on his arm. “Every community has a hermit,” he added before sighing. “You don’t have to care. You don’t even have a reason to care.” And part of him didn’t trust it.
"No, you just didn't want anyone to poke." Wren told him gently, patting his arm a little. "I'm sorry it's caused you turmoil. But I believe it's for the best. And I wouldn't do something so awful as poking if I didn't plan to follow through with caring for the wound afterward." she added. "And I don't really know now not to care." she added. "I can understand your disbelief in an abstract way. People would come to the commune like that sometimes. They would be...shocked, sometimes even distrustful at first of the community and the genuine care and affection paid to them. I could explain my reasons for you if you'd like. Though it's abstract in nature to begin with. If people can point to specific 'reasons' why they care, then it's possible that reason may go away or become broken. I care because I care. I see someone hurting and in need. So...I can't just walk away. It wouldn't make sense to."
His eyes were still on her hand on his arm, frowning a little more. “There’s nothing I can say to make you go away is there?” Because he hadn’t exactly been nice to her when he first walked up and she wasn’t letting up, not even slightly. He didn’t understand how someone could just care about someone she didn’t know, not like that though he supposed Mazie and Becka weren’t acting too different, just with less direction.
"No." Wren confirmed for him. "I will not go away. I would find it a terrible thing to do, and I would worry about you all the time." she explained. "So, I won't go away. If you need to be angry with me, that's fine. I understand. But I'll still be offering any help I can."
Adam stared at her, making a face for a long moment, but he didn’t quite know what to say to that. The way she said it, the surety in her voice had him realizing that she meant it, for now at least. He made a frustrated noise and looked back at his door. “What am I supposed to do with this?”
"Let me finish?" Wren suggested. "It'll look silly unfinished. You can always tell people that I did it while you were away, which is true." she added. "I promise they're all meant to draw positivity and other things to you. Things you need."
Adam wanted to tell her that he doubted it was going to look much different finished, but he held off from saying it. It would probably just bring them back in a circle. “What other things?”
Wren walked back to the door and pointed to one of the symbols. "This one's for unity." Another. "This one's for wholeness, this one's for evolution and dreaming, this one's for trust, cooperation..." she said, naming only a few. "Lots of things."
He wasn’t sure he believed in the fact that some writing on his door could mean any of that or bring any of that, but what could he do? “Okay...” Adam hated caving, but his hand was starting to throb again and he was running out of reasons to be mad.
She smiled at him. "I'll just finish up, then be out of your hair for the day. Unless you'd like to talk to me some more, but you look very tired." she said lightly. "This is very quiet, it shouldn't disturb you if you wanted to get some rest."
How was she smiling? He was staring at her, not sure what else to do with her looking at him like that he frowned again. “I won’t sleep,” he said, shaking his head. “But I should...clean up or something.”
"Oh, with the mirror...should I help? You probably shouldn't risk more cuts. I can do it." she offered, happy to do that. It would be small, but she didn't mind.
Adam made a face not sure what to do with that. “I...You don’t have to. I can take care of it I think.” He felt weird having someone help with a mess he made just being stupid.
Wren arched a brow at that. "'I think' does not fill me with confidence." she told him. "I'll do it." she decided. "You've already dealt with glass today and clearly it bit you." she said, gesturing to his hand. "So, I can take care of it. It's no problem." she assured him.
“I wasn’t...right, fine,” he opened his door, letting them in and nodding towards the bathroom. It was obvious just by looking at it that he’d punched the mirror, part of the shattered glass still in the frame. He reached for the trash can, setting it near the mess and reaching to start cleaning it up despite having conceded to letting her do it.
Wren carefully stepped into the bathroom, picking up the larger pieces carefully as she quietly helped, though she did try to do it slightly faster than he was, so she could get the bulk of it for him. She could have told him she got it, but she had already and he was still helping. So, she merely hoped that the glass didn't slice him a second time. It was quiet for a few minutes before she spoke. "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't harm yourself further."
Adam was focused, trying not to think about her being in his room and in the close quarters but then she spoke and he looked up at her surprised. “I didn’t... I wasn’t trying to...I just punched it because I could.”
"And you're aware it's glass, and glass breaks." Wren said. "So, even if you don't believe you were trying to, some part of you was. That's the part that worries me." she told him gently, putting more glass in the bin.
“Yeah but...” Adam trailed off, looking at the shards of mirror, then his hand. “I’m not like that,” he told her turning. “I mean...not like that.” Sure hitting the glass was stupid, but he’d wanted something to break, not to hurt himself.
"Obviously you are." Wren said lightly. "I think there's a whole lot you don't like looking at in you, Adam." she continued. "That's what worries me too. I think there's so much there that you don't want to see, so you pretend it isn't there, but...it's there. If you look at it, you can at least be aware. You punched your mirror. It was going to hurt. It could even have been worse."
“Obviously I just don’t like looking at me,” Adam quipped, going for a joke, but sure it would fall short. Shaking his head a little more he looked up at her. “I hit it...because I didn’t like what I was seeing, because I wanted something to break not...not to break me.” It could have been worse, he didn’t need Cal or Wren to remind him of that, but he still wasn’t sure how he’d feel if it had been. At the moment he felt a lot of nothing about it.
She did give him a light smile, but it was more for his benefit and less because she understood the joke. "If you didn't like what you were seeing then you did break you in a sense." she pointed out. Wren definitely worried. He didn't even see the most obvious of things. "You need to look at things more clearly. Don't just react."
Adam sat back on his heels and looked at her, waiting for a moment before speaking. “Alright, I’ll bite. What am I missing?” She said she was going to tell him these things didn’t she? She might as well start now. Sure, metaphorically, maybe he was breaking himself by breaking the mirror, but it was just metaphor.
"You didn't like what you saw. You broke the image of you. You're destroying you. Can you still tell me that you 'aren't like that'? That you didn't mean to hurt yourself?" she posed.
He considered it for a moment, looking at the shattered mirror and frowning. “I’ve never...” he stopped, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes and shaking his head again. “I wouldn’t. I didn’t earn getting out of being me that easy.”
Wren watched, pausing in her task. It was sad to see him like that. Especially with as blind as he was being. "You did." she told him. "Why do you have to 'earn' getting out of being you? And why would you want to not be you in the first place?"
The look he gave her was curious, less thinking about himself this time, but more about her. His head tilted slightly to the side and Adam wondered if she realized just what she was doing here. “Because of why I’m here. What I did. What I might be capable of.” And he was pretty sure he deserved to suffer.
"Why are you here?" she asked. "What did you do? What 'might' you be capable of?" she continued. She started putting glass into the bin again, giving him time to formulate his answer.
Everyone kept asking, kept expecting him to just talk about it and while sometimes he didn’t want to he was too tired for the games today. Shifting away from the glass he sat with his back against the wall, leaning his head to thunk back against the tile. “Tortured and strangled a girl who I kidnapped.”
Wren frowned, looking back at him. He didn't look capable of that. She was aware that people often didn't look the part, but still. "Why did you do that?" she had to ask.
Adam made a face as her question, confusion creasing his brow. No one had asked that. Not even when he took the plea, no one asked why did did it. “I...I don’t know. I don’t remember doing it.”
"Then how do you know you did?" she asked, that seeming like the obvious question.
He rolled his head to look at her and shrugged. While he didn’t have an answer for her specific question it did lead to a multitude of questions he did have answers for, including why he’d taken the deal the way he did and so quickly. He couldn’t answer those though, not even here. What if someone found out? “The evidence pointed to me. I was...on drugs. I could have done it.”
"What kind of evidence?" she asked. "And lots of people are on drugs, right? But they don't do that. Have you ever snapped before? Even ever hit a girl?" she asked. He didn't seem the type. "Hurt animals? Anything else?"
“She...she and I hooked up at my birthday party. Last place anyone saw her was heading to a bedroom with me,” Adam explained, surprised he was just telling her, but maybe it was because he was that worn down. There probably wasn’t enough evidence, but there had been enough evidence to arrest him and things spiraled from there.
Wren still looked a little confused. "...I'm uncertain how that means you're guilty." she admitted. “All of the people at my commune were last seen with me as well, I was the only survivor, but I was not convicted of their murder.”
Adam rolled his head back and forth against the tile. “Someone had to be,” he said with a sigh. “Some days I’m not sure why it had to be me.” He looked at her, frowning. “The only one?”
"Well, just because it's 'someone' why is it you? I didn't see anything like that in your cards." Wren told him. "And you don't seem capable of it. You don't seem violent at all, unless it's towards yourself." she added. "And yes, the only one."
He watched her for a moment then leaned forward. “I can’t tell you,” he told her, sadness in his tone. “I...I can’t tell anyone. But...It had to be me.” Or everything would have been so much more awful. “I’m sorry...about your...commune?”
"You can tell me." she told him. "You should tell someone, eventually. But I still don't see it. I'll look again, but something like that...I just saw strife with your friends, a big, dark rift, awful things. If it was you killing someone, that would have been more important." she insisted. "And thank you. It was their choice, however. I would have died too, only apparently I was ‘chosen’."
Adam shook his head. “I can’t,” he repeated. And sometimes he wished he could, if it would explain things. If it would have a different answer, a different end result. Maybe not though. Maybe he would still be guilty. “Chosen for what? Doesn’t sound like being chosen for much of anything.”
"You can't because you don't remember? Or you can't because you don't want to talk about it?" Wren asked, so she wasn't fuzzy on the concept. "And just chosen. To...carry on the word, to keep going. But I no longer believe that I can do that."
“Because I can’t. That’s it. End of story. Can’t.” Adam watched her, frowning more. “Carry on...what you’re supposed to start the next one? I don’t blame you for that. I wouldn’t want to do that either.” Sounded to him like she got the shitty end of the deal.
"Then I remain unconvinced that you're guilty." Wren told him firmly. "You might want to question it too." She went back to picking up the glass, now on the smaller shards. "I don't know. I just know everyone's gone." she told him, not looking up. "Everyone I've ever known. Cared about."
Adam ran his hand over his hair and frowned. “Sometimes I do too.” And sometimes he remembered enough to be afraid of what he was capable of. “Everyone...wow. Wow.” That was heavy.
"Maybe you're not, Adam." Wren said lightly. "I'll look some more." She added firmly. She'd scour his background with her cards, see what it brought up. "And yes. I've heard that reaction before." It was hard to imagine for most people. The only person she’d ever met who could honestly relate was someone who had been in New York when the towers fell, something she still wasn’t sure she understood. But she’d heard about the wreckage in detail.
“Look at what?” he asked, not thinking about the cards or what she’d said about his past already, which had been shockingly spot on. “Sorry, I’m sure it doesn’t help much.” But he wasn’t great with people so it wasn’t a surprise that he’d screw that up too.
"My cards." Wren provided, starting on the teeny tiny shards now. She lightly nicked the side of her thumb, but didn't make any show of it. "Nothing does. But it isn't your fault. I appreciate your condolences." she told him, more than accepting of whatever he had to offer, even if it wasn't much. The truth was, it had happened, it was a tragedy, and that was that.
“Right the cards. I don’t think I get that.” He’d told her as much, long before now when he’d not yelled at her. Of course yelling at her hadn’t really worked out the way he’d expected either. Sitting up more he watched her clean up, wondering if he should be doing more. “I can probably get a broom or something.”
"It's okay. I'm almost done." she told him, starting to brush at the smallest bits. "And the cards tell me things. Like what I drew for you at the bar. What I drew for you when I did a reading. It's what you do with it. It can help guide you, get you to look at things from your past in a different light..." she trailed off, the smallest shards biting into the side of her hand slightly and she brushed them into the bin, finished, though she eyed a slight bit of blood on her hand. "May I use your sink?" she asked.
“You really think that could help? Because...well part of what you said in the message was right,” Adam told her, eyes going a little wider when he noticed she was bleeding. “Yeah of course,” he said quickly, jumping to his feet and starting the water, reaching for the bin and leaning to help her if he could.
Wren stood up, and started to wash her hands. "Thank you." she said. Then she continued. "I do think it could help. Let's start with the past. Rifts with friends, darkness surrounding that. What is that? When I do a small reading like that, what I look for are major events. Life changing circumstances. So, look for what that was. Figure that part out."
Adam watched the water in the sink, not her, and shook his head. “I have guess. It’s the part I can’t tell you about.” He looked up at her, hoping she’d understand. “Or...it’s probably linked to that yeah.” That had involved his friends, or so he’d considered them. It was hard not to think of them as such because it wasn’t them specifically who’d wronged him, but it was on their behalf.
"I understand sometimes people need time." Wren said, shutting the water off, and she looked back at him. "But if you get to a place where you can talk about it, I'm around, any time. I'm not going to judge anything. I'm just here to help. The more I know, the more I can. And you don't particularly like me, so it can be easier for you, I would imagine. You won't have to worry about what I think, or see me on a social basis. You can just take this for what it is, and maybe try and stop pushing away other relationships. I don't know who it is you're pushing away, but you should stop. It isn't good for you."
Adam reached for a couple tissues, holding them out for her if she started bleeding again. “It’s not a time thing. Or...it’s just a thing where I can’t.” He shook his head a little. “I don’t not like you. I’m just...I don’t know. I have a hard time not liking someone who gives a damn about me.” Even if he had been really fucking pissed at her earlier. When she mentioned pushing other people away, Adam winced. “I know...I know.” He let out a sigh and leaned against the wall more.
Wren took the tissues and pressed them to the tiny cuts. "Think about it." she told him. "I'll still keep looking, though. You think things over. Don't keep doing things the same way, it isn't working for you." she said. Then she glanced around the floor once more. "We got it all." she decided.
“Looks like it,” he said about the glass, then looked at her. “Next time...can we at least keep the conversation between us? When you decide to point out my shortcomings?” He didn’t want it aired to everyone, not sure if someone else would use it against him.
Nodding, Wren accepted that. "Yes." she answered. "I am sorry if you were embarrassed." she added. "I will keep things to myself." It might be difficult, but she'd try.
He shook his head. “Not embarrassed. I just know better than to trust everyone here. You can tell me, just...wait until we’re alone or send me a note or something.”
"You have my word." Wren said seriously. She gave Adam a small smile. "You should get some rest. I'm going to finish your door. You still look very tired, though. So, I recommend rest, and starting your day over later."
Sleep. Sleep which meant starting all of this over again, back in his own nightmares. “Maybe,” he said, though he did plan on locking himself in the room until dinner. Maybe later. Anything was better than facing the day with how he felt now.
"Think about it." Wren told him, walking past him. "I'll speak to you soon." she promised, letting herself out. She locked the door, then shut it behind herself, going back to marking runes on it quietly.
Adam only moved so he could see her walk away, too tired to move otherwise. Once she was gone he considered his bed, letting out a sigh before falling into it, not sure he would sleep but maybe. It would be fitful likely but he needed to not be here for a while. No matter how short the while.