Kyle Van Allen (arty_kyle) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-09-17 21:00:00 |
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Entry tags: | day four, jun-he, jun-he and kyle, kyle |
Unexpected
Characters: Kyle and Jun-he
Setting: Courtyard, basement, laundry - afternoon
Having put the old pack of cigarettes in his back pocket, Jun-he smoked with purpose it seemed as he led with a slight spring in his step, still grinning ear to ear. Looking back into the middle of the courtyard, he saw the figures of Dominic and some girl getting smaller. He looked away and over to his new found friend that he had spared the drama for and scoffed. “I don’t have anything to show you,” he followed with a small laugh, “Of course, you knew that.” It was somehow the first time he really found a sense of belonging since arriving and without giving it any thought he continued on in the direction of his room. It was perhaps the childish troublemaker that had been laying dormant for too long that lifted his allure to its present state.
“Thank you - for getting us out of that one. I really don’t think we want to be there for that,” Kyle said, with a half smile. Part of him felt a little guilty for just abandoning Meg. But for the most part, well - he hadn’t wanted to be there in the first place and she had pretty much dragged him. So he didn’t feel too bad about it.
“Mm,” Jun-he responded in sound with a small nod. After tending to his cigarette, he looked at his door in the distance before coming to a stop. “Oh,” he started, “I don’t know where to go now.” It definitely would have been weird bringing some stranger to his room for no real reason, and yet he never thought it through about where exactly he was supposed to pretend to be going.
Kyle rolled his eyes. “Come on, let’s go downstairs - apparently there is a downstairs now. It wasn’t there yesterday, but it seems we’re expanding,” he said, leading the way towards the elevator. He wasn’t sure what they would do down there, but it was out of sight of the couple on the courtyard and, right now, that was the important thing.
Without a word the Korean followed quickly, keeping a straight line of sight so as not to look out of place. Approaching the elevator, Jun-he stopped and looked awkwardly over at his present company. “What’s down there?” he questioned, having yet been informed on the whereabouts of everything in the building.
“Apparently, according to the map, the medical centre, and the laundry,” Kyle explained, hitting the button and entering the elevator as the doors slid open. “Other than that, your guess is as good as mine.”
Interesting, Jun-he thought, that their escape let them to a dead end. At least it was an escape. The elevator seemed quick to arrive and as it opened he entered it, coming to realize that they had not shared their names. “Oh, I am Jun hae,” he informed with a small bow of his head before leaning against the back wall of the elevator, one arm propped on the horizontal bar. “Everyone asks the inevitable questions; who are you, why are you here?” he added, though completely forgoing the part about why are you here?
“I’m Kyle - though you probably got that up there,” he said, looking upwards. He noted that Jun-he said nothing about why he was here, and Kyle wasn’t up for asking He had had enough of that with Meg. He wasn’t in the mood to find out any more about whatever anyone else around him had done right now. He wasn’t sure that he could cope with it. Finding out his friend had done enough to be sentenced to life was bad enough. He wasn’t sure that he would survive this place if everyone turned out to be like that. Somehow, it had been different in ‘proper prison’. There he had expected it. There, he had made connections enough that he wasn’t in active danger, and then he had kept quiet, and kept his head down and focused merely on survival. Here, here he had started to feel that he could have an actual life. He had started to re-find wants and desires. Somehow, remembering that he was surrounded by potentially dangerous people had been skipped in his assessment, and rediscovering that was coming as a real shock.
Furrowing his brow, Jun-he noticed a different stature about Kyle. He examined the man from head to toe but he was no mind reader, and rather thankful for that. “Is it difficult for you here?” he asked out of strict curiosity and perhaps losing something in translation. Perhaps that was his problem, or maybe he just wanted to be elsewhere entirely. He imagined most people wanted to be anywhere but any kind of prison. Strangely as much as Jun-he hated to admit it, he really would have rather been anywhere else. His normal it didn’t matter where he was attitude could only last for so long.
“It’s an adjustment for everyone,” Kyle said, the question blindsiding him. The answer an instinctive defence, and a little sharp as a result. He hadn’t been meaning to give anything away, and that the other man had picked something up from him that he hadn’t been intending to put out there, had his alarm bells ringing. Kyle knew that he could project emotions too easily if he was not careful. Clearly, he needed to be more careful. Maybe it was the alcohol. He could certainly feel the effects of the bourbon running around his bloodstream.
With the doors once again opened, Jun-he took quick lead out, turning around to still face Kyle as he took a few steps backwards. Something was definitely off about his new company and he was unsure about what it was. “Maybe for some it’s harder,” he added, looking directly into Kyle’s eyes for a second on accident. He had clearly been overthinking his stature and shook his head to dismiss it from there.
“Maybe,” Kyle agreed, neutrally. “How about you - how are you settling in? I haven’t seen you around here before. But then, I’m still meeting people each day, it seems. For a small place, it’s hard to get to know everyone,” he offered.
Scratching his head, Jun-he thought about the question. “I got here today,” he began, “people have a hard time understanding me sometimes, I think it makes it difficult.” It was true, he had already seen his botched english make others accuse him of something he had no idea was even possible, but there were other challenges he faced that meant more to him. “But I don’t think everyone wants to be known,” he added.
“Possibly,” Kyle agreed. “By my count, there are twenty nine rooms here, and I haven’t seen that many people - not even on the journals I don’t think. There must be some who are hiding in corners, I think.” He considered that. “It’s a way to get through it, I suppose. But I think they want us to form a community. Which means getting to know each other - whether we’d like that or not.”
He made a good point, Jun-he considered, about the community. The more he thought about it, the more it really was much like his old community in South Korea. They were all criminals of some kind and he should be used to it by now but there were distinct differences still, and he was unsure of how to truly handle himself here.
“Twenty-nine...” Jun-he repeated back, “it is quite intimate, more than the other prisons. Normally basements are not good places to be there.” He pressed his lips together at the statement, taking a look along the wall where a doorway seemingly led into the laundry room. “I corrected an upset balance once, maybe that’s why I am now here and not back there,” he mused out loud, “and maybe you too...” Of course he had no idea about Kyle’s direction in life that led him to where he was, but it was certainly his strange way of saying that he did not think he was so bad, as far as people went. So far, anyway.
Kyle pulled a wry smile. “Oh – I’m not here because I did something to correct a balance. I’m here because what I did upset the balance in the first place. I’m putting that right,” he explained, with a shrug, not meeting the other man’s eyes. He hunched over for a moment, seemingly lost in thought, and then pulled himself out of it, addressing what else Jun-he had said to him. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this basement. It’s kinda empty and… I’m nothing to worry about.”
Jun-he's smoke needed an ash desperately. As they came to the laundry room he pointed to it quickly and then moved in, making his way to the first laundry sink he could find and flicked the cigarette over it then ran the water shortly. He made a half smile at Kyle's last statement and then wandered over to a nearby dryer. "You, I'm not worried about of course," he said, jumping on the dryer and sitting on top of it. Cocking a brow he took another look over the shorter man and got rather curious. "You are very dirty," he stated bluntly, breathing through the filter of his cigarette before continuing, "And I wonder why your hands are so scarred." Without sitting around patiently, he removed his sunglasses completely from his head, placing it down beside him. The thought about the scars made him itch his own before running his slender fingers through his hair, making sure it had not become strewn from his short lived escapade in the grass.
Kyle looked down at himself and picked a few dried flakes of paint off his skin. "Yeah - I was painting for... Well, a long time." Half the night and most of the morning. Sleep had certainly taken a back seat, and with everything that had gone on, he felt like he was running mostly on adrenaline right now. Sooner or later, he was bound to crash. He knew he should head back to his room for a nap and a shower at some point. "The scars... I'm a metalworker. Occasionally, accidents happen," he added. He hadn't always been overly careful in the past, and there were times when gloves got in the way of art. Kyle knew where his priorities lay, and he had always been willing to suffer for it. One could not get beauty without pain.
Jun-he nodded, "Ahh," he responded first, "We all bring scars back from our previous jobs, somehow." Looking down at his shoes for a moment, he made a cheeky grin back at Kyle. "At least the paint suits you," he complimented, his accent shining through. Kyle's young, good looks seemed to give him a strange glow about him while covered in the filth of being an artist. It intrigued Jun-he that someone could have a passion run so deep that even in prison the passion could not fade. On top of that, it was for the first time since arriving that Jun-he felt a lot more at ease with the environment, and he appreciated that. Perhaps it was the lack of intense social environment paired with a simple conversation with someone other than a prison gang member that eased his heavy shroud of withdrawal. Whatever it was, he simply appreciated it for what it was and stretched is legs out, swinging them gently one after the other.
Kyle picked at his skin some more, flakes of paint floating to the ground. He felt a little more self-conscious about it now - though this was hardly the first time he'd walked around paint-splattered. And he doubted it would be the last here. He was, however, usually in the presence of people he knew, rather than strangers. "I think a need a shower," he said with a self-conscious chuckle, as he sat down on the table which ran the length of the room.
"You want to paint my wall?" Jun-he asked from his seat on the dryer, as if a light bulb went off above his head. Before letting Kyle respond, he quickly corrected himself, "Ah I mean paint something on my wall... Mmmh It's the biggest canvas right now I think. Anything you want." He laughed softly, thinking of the fact he had never seen Kyle's work, but figuring it was better than the work any of his cellmates had done on the walls of his previous cell. "Urin hal su isseo..." he added to himself quietly in question. He had no idea if they were even really allowed to, but thought it would be fun to find out. So much so he leapt off the dryer and put out the end of his cigarette carefully with the inside of his pack of smokes, leaving the butt inside and then sat right next to Kyle. "You might want to do this?"
Kyle hesitated. He had promised himself, when he had first realised the type of place this could actually be, that he wouldn't allow himself to be used. That had only been reinforced with the 'gift' of paints and supplies. It would be far too easy, he knew - especially with his own enthusiasm and love - to find himself at everyone's beck and call with no return. That was the reason that he had talked in his journal post about 'commission'. In actual fact, he was less concerned about what he got in return for his efforts, than about actually ensuring that people expected some kind of transaction.
On the flipside of that, however, he did not want to hold people to ransom. He'd seen the types of uneven 'deals' that went down inside, where people traded everything for next to nothing. He didn't want that. He didn't want to withhold anything, because someone couldn't pay some kind of 'price'. That was as bad as him not getting anything in return. It was all about balance. And, if Kyle was honest with himself, he would prefer to be on the losing end of things. He would sleep better at night. "...Maybe - we could talk about it?" he suggested. That was the thing. It was one thing to make an announcement across the intranet that implied he was looking for something in return for his work. It was quite another to say it directly to the face of someone who he had only just met and who was an unknown quantity. And he hated that, apparently, he was getting scared of people again. That he refused to show, putting forward a mask of ease and cool friendliness instead.
"If you want it, it's yours, any time" Jun-he stated, not particularly grasping the fact that it meant someone poking around in his room. Something about the idea of having an artist having a necessary urge to just give 'er made him appreciate his own offer in a strange way. He laughed softly, crossing one leg over the other and placing his forearms against the table to lean back. He thought briefly, thinking about the awkward moment back in the courtyard. Leaning forward a bit, he glanced at Kyle, "Ah that girl... She is not yours obviously?" His vague question even slightly confused Jun-he himself.
Kyle blinked, surprised by the question. Especially given the sudden change of subject. "Meg? No. No - she's. No." He laughed a little. "She's just a friend. For a start, girls really aren't my thing. And another thing - she's married to Dom. The other guy there. And adultery isn't my thing either," he explained. Clearly, the subject of art could be put aside for another day.
"Ahhh," Jun-he replied first. He nodded and thought about what things would have been like for both of them if they had stayed in that courtyard. He cringed for a split second, then took in a breath of air. "Girls, they are not my thing either," he replied jokingly, "too much to take care of." Another laugh came from the Korean, "I don't know if guys are the same though." He was lucky enough to not have to face the problem of prison sex and assaults in his four years of service to Georgia State Prison, and he was thankful for that. Even so, he had never slept with a woman and talked to them after. It was too weird, awkward even. That's what he had been praised for back in Korea too, never getting involved with women... they were always trouble in his line of work.
He felt a little strange and awkward for the first time in a long time talking about it now. In a way, he wasn't quite sure if he was simply making light conversation or getting at something deeper under the surface.
"That... Depends on the guy," Kyle said, carefully, not entirely sure whether they were talking about something, talking around something or just having a case of miscommunication due to the fact that English clearly was not Jun-he's first language.
"Are you too much to take care of?" Jun-he questioned curiously.
“I can take care of myself!” Kyle responded, sharply. A gut reaction as his blue eyes flashed. He had to remind himself that, most likely, the question hadn’t been meant that way. Still, he was bristling.
Calmly, Jun-he nodded once more at Kyle's reaction. "When we can do that, we are the most resilient," he replied, completely botching the pronunciation of resilient, "That makes us the strongest. But when you are with someone even for a moment when you want them, you are completely in their hands. It makes us vulnerable and incapable of keeping ourselves easily. So you have to move on, or be bound to something. If you become bound to something that's too much to take care of then you're left behind and lost." He scratched his head momentarily, seemingly a little confused, "Taking the time to find someone not like this is too much too... and so I don't know what's right for me... I'm sorry I can't say it in English well." And now he was slightly flustered, a rare sight for Jun-he, that was for sure.
Kyle had been trying hard to keep up and grasp what the other man was saying, but it was hard to follow, especially through the accent. He took a stab at understanding anyhow. “What you mean is - that, if you can take care of yourself, then you’ll do okay. But, if you get into a relationship then you have them as well. And if you’re giving up too much time to taking care of them, because they can’t take care of yourself, then things just don’t work?” he asked. “That’s pretty accurate. But I don’t think it matters whether the ‘someone’ in there is a man or a woman. What matters in that is whether they can take care of themselves. I’ve met women who are perfectly capable of looking after themselves and I’ve met men who are the very definition of high maintenance.” It struck him that that last phrase might not mean anything to Jun-he. “Uh, I mean - guys who need too much looking after.”
Laughing a tad louder this time, Jun-he agreed, "I see, I know a few men who are worse than girls too." He sighed, briefly missing his home. "I chose not to get involved because I watched them take my sister," his hand trembled slightly, trying to forget the fact he just even mentioned her, "I don't want to take care of them after when they die. I don't think I can do the same for a guy too, but I've had to... but when I look at you, I see like a girl." He thought about it for a second and then made a confused face, recognizing he definitely needed to correct himself, "Not that you are a girl, but maybe like I would not want to take care of what happens when you die." It was definitely a strange way of saying he thought Kyle was attractive, but it was his way, and it was the best he could do.
Kyle was already objecting to being compared to a girl when Jun-he made his apology and whilst it spared the other guy any kind of verbal comeback, it was clear that Kyle remained unhappy with the comparison. It had been made too many times before by people who hadn’t made the slip due to poor grasp of language for him not to have a chip on his shoulder about it. It was enough that Kyle didn’t ask about the man’s sister, which normally he would have picked up on. “I have no intention of dying,” he said, tightly.
"Ah, no," Jun-he replied, "I imagine not."
He sat for a moment quietly. "No one intentionally wants to die," he added, "Which makes it harder for me to think of someone for too long." If he had been sitting with another Korean, his words in Korean might have spout out enough to get the psychological insight in to him so desired by many psychologists since his arrest. It was the first time he really felt like saying anything on the matter of his feelings towards others. There was a definite weird feeling throughout the pit of his stomach as he looked down at the pack of cigarettes on his lap.
"So stay sharp, mi sam,," he stated jokingly, getting himself out of the emotional drain he was slipping in to.
Kyle’s annoyance stuttered into confusion - a feeling that seemed to be becoming familiar over the past couple of days. “You’ve only just met me,” he pointed out, though he wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by that. He still wasn’t sure what he should be taking from this conversation, and what he should be putting down to language. Kyle had never done well when faced with a situation he didn’t know how to read. He was not one who rolled easily with confusion.
"Mmm, take it as nice things," Jun-he concluded for himself. "I am hard to understand sometimes even for myself, so I try not to have these kind of moments with others. It’s easier not to be a part of things. I just met you but already you and I are confused. It's not so easy, see? Nothing in America is easy. It's harder than before. I learn things from others who speak like they all grew up in the hood," he laughed, having recognized the silliness of his hood reference, but it was after all the kind of things he learned first, "But I say things sincerely when I need to. It’s easier to listen with eyes than ears right now I think. So I wonder, mi sam, what do you hear with your eyes here?" Here was clearly vague enough for even Jun-he's thoughts.
As an artist, Kyle was trained to be observant, but that was harder when he was trying to think at the same time. He made himself out aside his own emotions for a moment though, and attempt to consider the question. “I think you’re looking for... something. And I’m not sure that you know what that is.” He paused for a moment, then placed his hand over Jun-he’s, lightly. “You seem to be suggesting that maybe you like guys. But - the way you put it... You seem to be saying that you only think that because you’ve not met a girl you like?” He phrased that as a question, because he was not entirely sure he had that accurate. There had been some points where he’d thought Jun-he had meant something else, specifically points to do with himself, but he would rather not insert himself right into the middle of a sexuality crisis if it could be avoided. Putting it in such a way that the impetus was on Jun-he to either accept or correct him seemed safer right now. Hell, he felt like he was taking enough of a chance with what he said. Some men would really take offence to it, he knew.
The conversation had gone in an entirely unexpected way for Jun-he. He was silent for a long moment that seemed to feel like forever. At the touch, his heart felt a single beat hit hard, but he did not withdraw. It was extremely unusual for him to experience any kind of comforting and even more for him to let himself get in a position to be comforted. Where he grew up, these things weren't meant for him. He stared at the hand on his intently, thinking to himself with a rather unsure expression. Small movements in his brow and on his lips indicated the question echoing in his head. Considering the question still, he brought his free hand close to theirs hesitantly at first then gently ran the tip of his middle finger along Kyle’s in an action meant to help him figure out his words. There were no words in English or Korean that were easily going to express himself.
He took a breath of air and wondered how he went from helping someone in a tight spot to in the basement questioning his desires. Chewing the bottom corner of his lip, the silence continued as he felt the engulfing anxiety tremble inside him. He did not shake, nor draw back, but he certainly knew it was there. "Mol la yo," he finally said in a whisper, "maybe I don't know how to when I want to."
Kyle left his hand where it was as Jun-he ran his fingers across it. He could recognise when someone needed some time, and he understood the confusion. “What do you mean?” he prompted, gently, wanting to give Jun-he space to explore his own thoughts.
Jun-he ground his teeth in a single movement before tackling the question. "There's a kind of person that's easy, so it's easy to get what you need... but when you want it, you don't know how to do something about it," he replied truthfully, refraining from using a single I in his answer. "A guy gives you his smile and it's the truth, but you never know with a woman. They are the same thing, a man and a woman, but I don't feel a single thing for the most beautiful girl in the world, except apology." He closed his eyes at the I he had been avoiding and stretched out his fingers to grab Kyles through his, just for a moment, he wanted to see how it felt.
Kyle smiled a little, nodding his head. Odd phrasing or not, he knew what the other man meant by it. “It sounds like maybe you know what you want better than you think you do,” he suggested, in the same gentle tone.
Swallowing hard, Jun-he closed his eyes. He ran his thumb along the side of Kyle's pinky, completely lost in his own world. There was never a time he had to face these things yet, and he knew for a long time that even though he gave his youth to the streets of Busan, he would have to take care of them much like growing up. After all, he was already twenty-six, and where he came from you were figuring your life out and settling in to the end of it all by thirty. He hated the awful cliche of his culture and he hated even more that no matter how hard he tried to push everything away, it all came back.
"Thank you," he said, and knew that the truth of it all was that he already knew the answers to his desires all this time, he was just too afraid to face it. In that moment, more than anyone in the world, he appreciated Kyle the most and he would not forget that. "...Mi sam," he added with a childish grin, eyes still closed.
Kyle’s smile turned a little bemused as he watched the other man, and in the end, he just decided to ask. “What does that mean, anyway?” He’d noticed that he had been called it a number of times now.
Opening his eyes, the smirk remained as he looked at Kyle, thinking for a moment. "Ahh, I think it's a good name for you," he started, "Hmmm, but I don't know it in English right now." It was a complete and utter lie. His efforts to conceal his urge to turn his grin in to an outright smile became difficult, and possibly eluding to the truth. "It really does suit you, though. Maybe some day you will translate it for me." Of course, one would assume Jun-he could translate it himself, and possibly easier and better but... what was the fun in that? He didn't want to have to give up the name so soon.
Kyle raised an eyebrow. “And that would assume that I would learn to speak...” he looked slightly awkward and a little hopeful that Jun-he would fill in the language. He wasn’t even going to guess, he’d prefer to leave it hanging than to guess wrongly.
"But I think there are translations on the computers now," Jun-he returned, seemingly becoming in tune with solving the problem for his new friend. "Mmm I think I'll keep it for me for now," he added, "I will send you a message later with it written, maybe you can figure it out. I have difficulty with the translator." At least he was telling the truth now, not that his lie was hurtful in the least.
Realizing he was still holding on to Kyle's hand, he loosened the grip between their fingers and sat upright. "Some day I will figure out how to thank you properly," he informed, his smile fading slightly. A heavy weight felt lifted off his shoulders, one he had for far too long.
So, apparently he wasn’t being given a language, but he would have something to start with. “Maybe I’ll figure it out,” he said with a twitched smile. “And you don’t need to thank me,” he said, giving Jun-he’s hand a squeeze and letting it go. “You okay?” he checked.
The Korean made an audible, drawn out k sound. He looked away only for a second, "I'm always okay, don't worry about me," he answered smoothly. There was the second lie. He was definitely rattled and a little unsure of what his next steps were not only in what they had discussed, but in the entirety of his life. The occasion definitely called for another cigarette. "Sorry I can't tell you a lot of the things I say better," he apologized, taking out one of his well past expiry cigarettes, "But you meant a lot to me by this."
He made a face at the cigarette and shook his head slightly, "I need to find those cigarettes of ours before I die of nasty old tobacco poisoning."
“There are cigarettes in the bar upstairs,” Kyle told him. “If you’re looking for a different brand.” He gave Jun-he the initial lie. Hell, he knew he had used it enough times himself. He was always okay - until he wasn’t. So far, he had managed to hold it all together, but he wasn’t sure how long that would last.
"Anything will be better now," Jun-he concluded about them. Even though he was somewhat disgusted with the taste of four year old cigarettes, he was definitely holding on for nostalgia's stake with these ones. He lit it with the lighter in his pack and then stood, making sure to slightly pull up his black jeans by the belt. It would have been rude to smoke next to someone who was not, and for all he knew, someone who might not even smoke. "Let's get out of here?" he questioned. Those two in the courtyard had to have been finished with whatever they were getting in to by now... and if not at least they already avoided getting in the middle of it.
"Sure," Kyle said, standing. He didn't mind the smoke, although the only things he'd smoked in the past hadn't been regular tobacco cigarettes. Those days were behind him new though. "I need to head back to my room, I think. I was up half the night. And, as you pointed out, I'm kinda dirty. I think a shower and a nap are going to feature in my immediate future."
Jun-he was silent as he nodded. He felt completely different and he was unsure of what it meant. How Jun-he had managed to let the conversation happen was almost as strange as the conversation itself and it left him filled with an abundance of thoughts. After picking up his sunglasses and putting them on, he threw the hood of his sweater on the back half of his head and let Kyle lead the way out.